*Official* Relationship Advice Thread Strikes Back

[NotAHenchwench]

But they aren't her kids.

He said one was, and I was turning his situation into a generalization about my viewpoints.

 

[BlackLantern]

It's all in your perception and your priorities. My goal in a relationship is to give every bit of myself to my partner, for him to be the number one person in my life, and I expect the same.

If you have children, they've gotta be the most important thing in your life.

As for single or divorced parents never finding love... If their child doesn't like their potential "step" whatever, It's grounds for the parent to leave.

Nita, it's more than just not seeing someone on the weekend. It's a deep emotional connection, and I don't want to be number 2 in the life of the person who is my number 1. There's no even level there.

It's all in what you want.

or not because the parent doesn't want to be alone and doesn't care what the kid feels about it

 

[NotAHenchwench]

or not because the parent doesn't want to be alone and doesn't care what the kid feels about it

Then they're inadequate parents, and that's a whooooole nother story.

 

[Anita18]

It's all in your perception and your priorities. My goal in a relationship is to give every bit of myself to my partner, for him to be the number one person in my life, and I expect the same.

If you have children, they've gotta be the most important thing in your life.

As for single or divorced parents never finding love... If their child doesn't like their potential "step" whatever, It's grounds for the parent to leave.

Nita, it's more than just not seeing someone on the weekend. It's a deep emotional connection, and I don't want to be number 2 in the life of the person who is my number 1. There's no even level there.

It's all in what you want.

Yeah, I definitely think it's how you view relationships. For me, having a deep emotional connection doesn't have to mean that I also have to be THE #1 person in someone's life. There was a time where I wanted that status out of my bf, but I was a jealous beeyotch who was never happy, so I've aimed lower.

What I want is someone who accepts me no matter what and supports me in whatever endeavors I have. Someone who makes me want to be a better person. I've heard happy long-term marriages being described as a "shelter" from the outside and yeah, I think that's what I have right now without actually asking my bf directly if I'm the #1 person in his life. That seems kind of a selfish question to ask someone. It's like asking a multi-child parent which child is #1 in their life. They're all equally important, and most sane people wouldn't have to test such a choice unless everyone they cared about ended up in different hospital ICUs at once.

 

[Anubis]

Either way you're both putting your own personal experiences into it, and it's not always like that. Some people get horror stories, some people find a better family than they ever could have dreamed of. You never know.

Look, Nell, it's up to you. If you think you can deal, then by all means, give it a go. If not, then don't. I'm not gonna lie to you, this could end badly, or it could be great. It's up to you.

 

[THE MR. TERRIFIC]

Kids change the game. I couldn't imagine being with someone other than my wife, the mother of my children. God forbid anything happens to us, I may go back to being a playa until my kids are all grown up. :P

 

[NotAHenchwench]

Yeah, I definitely think it's how you view relationships. For me, having a deep emotional connection doesn't have to mean that I also have to be THE #1 person in someone's life. There was a time where I wanted that status out of my bf, but I was a jealous beeyotch who was never happy, so I've aimed lower.

What I want is someone who accepts me no matter what and supports me in whatever endeavors I have. Someone who makes me want to be a better person. I've heard happy long-term marriages being described as a "shelter" from the outside and yeah, I think that's what I have right now without actually asking my bf directly if I'm the #1 person in his life. That seems kind of a selfish question to ask someone. It's like asking a multi-child parent which child is #1 in their life. They're all equally important, and most sane people wouldn't have to test such a choice unless everyone they cared about ended up in different hospital ICUs at once.

Why don't you want to be the #1 person in your partner's life? You're worth it. I've had this standard since I've had my first relationship, and I haven't settled for anything less. Sure, I've only had a handfull of relationships, but they've all been happy and ended well. You don't have to be a jealous person to demand the best out of the person you're with.

I want all of those things from a person too, but I want them to want that from me as well.

You cannot compare the relationship between lovers to the relationship between a parent and child. There IS no comparison. The bond between Parents and their children [at least when they're underage and have no say in their legality] is [and as it should be] stronger. Sure, parent's can't decide between children, but they can and they WILL choose their children over their partner. At least they should.

EDIT:

And I've never had to ask. I've always known.

 

[Anita18]

Why don't you want to be the #1 person in your partner's life? You're worth it. I've had this standard since I've had my first relationship, and I haven't settled for anything less. Sure, I've only had a handfull of relationships, but they've all been happy and ended well. You don't have to be a jealous person to demand the best out of the person you're with.

I want all of those things from a person too, but I want them to want that from me as well.

You cannot compare the relationship between lovers to the relationship between a parent and child. There IS no comparison. The bond between Parents and their children [at least when they're underage and have no say in their legality] is [and as it should be] stronger. Sure, parent's can't decide between children, but they can and they WILL choose their children over their partner. At least they should.

Because I don't believe in competition. How would someone prove to you that you're #1 in their life anyway? For me and my first bf, I interpreted that as him needing to be at my beck and call, and when he wasn't, I'd immediately assume that he didn't care about me. That I wasn't #1 and my self-worth was tied to that. (Second mistake. )

If my bf were ditching me every weekend to go see his parents, then yeah I'd have a problem with it, but otherwise all I know is that my bf would come running if I said I needed him, and I'd do the same for him. And that's enough.

 

[terry78]

This may be one of those instances where it's all "you won't understand until you have kids".

 

[NotAHenchwench]

Because I don't believe in competition. How would someone prove to you that you're #1 in their life anyway? For me and my first bf, I interpreted that as him needing to be at my beck and call, and when he wasn't, I'd immediately assume that he didn't care about me. That I wasn't #1 and my self-worth was tied to that. (Second mistake. )

If my bf were ditching me every weekend to go see his parents, then yeah I'd have a problem with it, but otherwise all I know is that my bf would come running if I said I needed him, and I'd do the same for him. And that's enough.

Haha, sweetie, it isn't about proving anything. You either know you are or you don't know. I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying. Your boyfriend doesn't have children, and that's the main thing that I'm talking about. The way you interpret being number 1 and the way I do are very clearly two different things.

The issue here is if your partner has children or not.

This may be one of those instances where it's all "you won't understand until you have kids".

Yeah, it really is.

 

[Anita18]

This is also kind of strange to discuss, since my bf has spoken more and more frequently about moving out of the area when his current lease ends next year, while I have not decided the same yet. If he would be happier living somewhere else, then I want that for him. I don't want to force him to stay just for me if he'd be unhappy. I mean, isn't that what love is, wanting the best for someone no matter what? Even early on in our relationship I expressed some (short-term ) desire to move away for art school and he said I should do it if I wanted to, which really impressed me.

But things may change in the next half-year. I'm not all that decided on where to go or what to do with my life currently. I did tell him that I couldn't quit my job and leave right away, since my boss has done a lot for me and I'd have to let him know a few months in advance so we could find and train a replacement. Plus I'd force him to look for a job first before he moves, so he won't go through the trouble of moving and then run out of money looking for a job.

 

[NotAHenchwench]

This is also kind of strange to discuss, since my bf has spoken more and more frequently about moving out of the area when his current lease ends next year, while I have not decided the same yet. If he would be happier living somewhere else, then I want that for him. I don't want to force him to stay just for me if he'd be unhappy. I mean, isn't that what love is, wanting the best for someone no matter what? Even early on in our relationship I expressed some (short-term ) desire to move away for art school and he said I should do it if I wanted to, which really impressed me.

But things may change in the next half-year. I'm not all that decided on where to go or what to do with my life currently. I did tell him that I couldn't quit my job and leave right away, since my boss has done a lot for me and I'd have to let him know a few months in advance so we could find and train a replacement. Plus I'd force him to look for a job first before he moves, so he won't go through the trouble of moving and then run out of money looking for a job.

It sounds like an exciting time for you. I hope you come to a decision that makes you happy. Your happiness matters just as much as his.

 

[Anita18]

Haha, sweetie, it isn't about proving anything. You either know you are or you don't know. I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying. Your boyfriend doesn't have children, and that's the main thing that I'm talking about. The way you interpret being number 1 and the way I do are very clearly two different things.

The issue here is if your partner has children or not.

Yeah, I think I get what you're saying now. Children should always be #1 with their parents, and I guess some people would be okay with dating a single/divorced parent while others wouldn't. Obviously my bf's stepdad was fine with it, and they're one big happy family now.

 

[NotAHenchwench]

Yeah, I think I get what you're saying now. Children should always be #1 with their parents, and I guess some people would be okay with dating a single/divorced parent while others wouldn't. Obviously my bf's stepdad was fine with it, and they're one big happy family now.

That's exactly what I'm saying. It works for some, but not for all

 

[BlackLantern]

Yeah, I think I get what you're saying now. Children should always be #1 with their parents, and I guess some people would be okay with dating a single/divorced parent while others wouldn't. Obviously my bf's stepdad was fine with it, and they're one big happy family now.

good for them, but stories like that are usually in the minority.....a good majority of "step" situations tend to turn out like mine

 

[Anubis]

No they don't. They tend to turn out somewhere in the middle.

 

[BlackLantern]

the ones you hear about

 

[terry78]

If you go into situations already jaded, you already got the self fulfilling prophecy and **** ingrained. The chick or the dude that goes into every date already knowing that the other person is gonna **** them over.

 

[Anubis]

The ones you actually hear about tend to be the very good ones, or the very bad ones. Most, however, are somewhere in the middle. They like their step dad, or eh, he's okay.

 

[BlackLantern]

If you go into situations already jaded, you already got the self fulfilling prophecy and **** ingrained. The chick or the dude that goes into every date already knowing that the other person is gonna **** them over.

that's why you get in there, get some, and bounce before things go south

 

[terry78]

Pump and dump.

 

[Anita18]

good for them, but stories like that are usually in the minority.....a good majority of "step" situations tend to turn out like mine

The only complaining my bf does about any of his parents is from his mom and her helicopter parenting. His stepdad is actually a role model, since he quit his job to start his own company and that's what my bf wants to do too.

He still would rather hang out with my parents than his, mostly because of his mom. My parents are way more chill. But all in all it's not a bad situation.

 

[Anubis]

Pump and dump

A sound plan for any situation.

 

[Prison Mike]

Pump and dump.

I shall base all my romantic relationships on these three words.

 

[BlackLantern]

I think so