*Official* Relationship Advice Thread Strikes Back

[JStorm]

Heh, yeah, I've made a career out of missing stuff like that. But I'm pro now.

I think you are clearly over thinking the texting issue. Texts are the absolute worst way of trying to advance a relationship and understand each other. For one, its just short sentences. There are no emotions. No personal point of reference. Two, it is, as you are having an issue with, easy to read a text, and not respond for a variety of reasons ranging from the purely innocent "i got carried away with something else" and "i was waiting to see if you texted again" to the other extreme "i hate you and don't want to talk". Naturally, it seems that the latter is not the case.

Don't waste your brain power on trying to find the meaning of the universe written via text message. It will never happen, and you'll just make your head explode. If a text conversation starts to turn into something where you are confused or want a more precise or immediate response, call her. That is the original purpose of phones, after all. Use it.

Too true.

She's a very busy woman and more importantly wasting time thinking and pondering over potentially nothing, while knowing she digs me is ludicrous.

Talking about this helps and I appreciate your candor. Things differently feel better, especially after this and my brother's advice.

More to the point, she's - literally - the "one that got away." With that much history, I should give her the respect of knowing if something is "off" she would not waste her time or mine.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

****. I have no idea where to begin. Save for Erz, Lix and a few others. . . the back story will have to remain short: Ex is back and we are talking again, hung out, lunch date, slept in the same bed, etc, etc.

All right. . . to the meat of the subject: Ninja chess is ninja.

From point, we started rather smooth and fast. Spent Thanksgiving together. . . that's when the truth came out. Then we drove to my home town to see Ma, got back to Atlanta and spent the next 36 hours together. I had to work in ATL the next week and she offered to house me. I stayed there for four days – this is when I felt like things changed. . . a bit.

Distance is the best explanation I can give. She seemed as if it was time for me to go. . . and possibly so: fish and house guests began to stink after two days. Anyhow, I felt the distance and kept mine, not in a bad way, just gave her space. Sunday came, work was over, and it was time for me to go.

Now we are up to date. I was in ATL this past week for a few days, played my cards and only stayed one night. As soon as we got in the bed, she cuddled. . .QUICK!! Ok – cool – she missed me – I get it. No need to try anything; no need to push an issue; I just enjoyed her and fell asleep.

After work, I ask her if she wants to go out. . . she's all game. We get back to her apartment and she asks “so what's the plan?” I tell her the same: old friend is in town, would like her to meet him, etc, etc. She sits for a bit and says “I think I will stay in.” No worries – cool – do what you gotta. I protray that attitude and she says “plus I don't want to drive on an empty stomach.” All right. . . so let's get some food and hit the road. “Wake me up in 45 minutes,” she says. I sit for an hour, try and wake her, no go. I cover her up, kiss her bye, and leave.

The next morning she calls and asks how the night went. I tell her all ways fine, shennigans were had, etc, etc. “You should have drug me out,” she says. WTF – I'm not a mind reader!! I play off the fact that she was tired and a guys night out was not something she really wanted to see. “I made coffee if you want some,” was her retort. WTF x 1000!!!! Now I'm suppose to drive back to ATL for coffee with her? (I live about 45 minutes away). We go back and forth with a basic convo, etc, etc.

Today I had an application update on my BB. Some how, some way, it brought back an email from over two years ago between she and I. I laughed my ass off, mainly for the fact that we are talking again. The email was clearly flirtatious, but we were both in a relationship at the time. I text her – today – and said she had to read it. We went back and forth for a bit, then she just stopped. I asked her a question – a direct question – and she just stopped.

NINJA CHESS IS NINJA!!!

Side notes. . . then I'll open to suggestions: I've noticed her actions are louder than her words. She may not text back immediately, but she clearly cuddles, touches, love on me when I'm around. My brother pointed this out and said the same: “she still acts like a duck.” He encouraged me and said “your affirmation through verbal needs to succumb to her physical affirmations, just because she does not respond does not mean she is giving up, etc, etc.

To the point, I need a female here. . . WTH is the point of playing the text game? She likes me, I know. She cuddles, hugs, kisses, etc. But when it comes to day-to-day. . . I'm ****ing lost.

Hope you like playing games, cause that's what's happening she's playing games. The worst thing about people who play games is they never share the rules with the other person. It almost reads like she's been lonely and wants a safety blanket, not necessarily a boyfriend, but a guy that will do whatever she wants and needs, but doesn't feel the need to return the favor. What has she done for you since you got back together?

 

[Spider-Who?]

Too true.

She's a very busy woman and more importantly wasting time thinking and pondering over potentially nothing, while knowing she digs me is ludicrous.

Talking about this helps and I appreciate your candor. Things differently feel better, especially after this and my brother's advice.

More to the point, she's - literally - the "one that got away." With that much history, I should give her the respect of knowing if something is "off" she would not waste her time or mine.

I feel ya man. Its very easy to let the mind wander and even easier to let the places it goes affect your perception of reality. I tend to struggle with that too (it’s always easier to diagnose it in someone else than it is to take one’s own advice).

 

[JStorm]

Hope you like playing games, cause that's what's happening she's playing games. The worst thing about people who play games is they never share the rules with the other person. It almost reads like she's been lonely and wants a safety blanket, not necessarily a boyfriend, but a guy that will do whatever she wants and needs, but doesn't feel the need to return the favor. What has she done for you since you got back together?

We both play games, it's in our nature. I'm just trying to not do so, as much, and treat this like we never skipped a beat. She can't read me and nor can I read her - one of the reasons why we are attracted to one another. She's eve admitted to doing certain things - nothing in particular I can think of - that she do so, so that she can study me in a way. Keep in mind, we were engaged at 22 and broke up at 23, so it's been seven years of personal growth for both of us. I'm sure some of her "studying" is purely trying to get to know me again - I'm still the man she fell in love with, yet seven years is a long time to grow, learn, mature, etc.

As to your question, I'm not sure as to what you mean. Has she bought me something? Do I get flashed on a regular basis? Does she send my nice emails? Not being sarcastic; could you be more specific please?

 

[Spider-Who?]

I think what he means is, does she bring anything to the relationship? Is it an equal give and take? Or is the only thing she is participating in is confusing you?

 

[JStorm]

I think what he means is, does she bring anything to the relationship? Is it an equal give and take? Or is the only thing she is participating in is confusing you?

Well then. . . yes. . she brings to the relationship. The only confusing things are the text, and that is not an issue any more.

What she brings is a real best friend to the table, not just a chick I picked up at a bar and we got hot and heavy rather quickly. We've always gotten along and she gets me as much as I get her. I may not be able to read her, when it comes to our relationship, but I know her better than any other lady I've dated.

I can see how much I still mean to here when we're laying in bed and all she does is look at me. I know I challenge her and she challenges me. Outside of my mother, she is the only woman that can make me understand her, stop me, encourage, etc, with just a look.

We've spent seven years dating other people and being friends to one another during those relationships, to find out that both of us were to frightened to admit we were comparing those people to each other.

For lack of a better term, it's almost like a cheesy romantic comedy. She always gave me advice on the others, and so did I. We stayed in touch, practically had dates without knowing it, and remained closer than we thought we were.

Now it's ours again.


I hope that made sense.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Well then. . . yes. . she brings to the relationship. The only confusing things are the text, and that is not an issue any more.

What she brings is a real best friend to the table, not just a chick I picked up at a bar and we got hot and heavy rather quickly. We've always gotten along and she gets me as much as I get her. I may not be able to read her, when it comes to our relationship, but I know her better than any other lady I've dated.

I can see how much I still mean to here when we're laying in bed and all she does is look at me. I know I challenge her and she challenges me. Outside of my mother, she is the only woman that can make me understand her, stop me, encourage, etc, with just a look.

We've spent seven years dating other people and being friends to one another during those relationships, to find out that both of us were to frightened to admit we were comparing those people to each other.

For lack of a better term, it's almost like a cheesy romantic comedy. She always gave me advice on the others, and so did I. We stayed in touch, practically had dates without knowing it, and remained closer than we thought we were.

Now it's ours again.


I hope that made sense.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Well then. . . yes. . she brings to the relationship. The only confusing things are the text, and that is not an issue any more.

What she brings is a real best friend to the table, not just a chick I picked up at a bar and we got hot and heavy rather quickly. We've always gotten along and she gets me as much as I get her. I may not be able to read her, when it comes to our relationship, but I know her better than any other lady I've dated.

I can see how much I still mean to here when we're laying in bed and all she does is look at me. I know I challenge her and she challenges me. Outside of my mother, she is the only woman that can make me understand her, stop me, encourage, etc, with just a look.

We've spent seven years dating other people and being friends to one another during those relationships, to find out that both of us were to frightened to admit we were comparing those people to each other.

For lack of a better term, it's almost like a cheesy romantic comedy. She always gave me advice on the others, and so did I. We stayed in touch, practically had dates without knowing it, and remained closer than we thought we were.

Now it's ours again.


I hope that made sense.

What Spider-Who? said is correct, but this post isn't what I was talking about being the dream girl isn't what I was thinking. I meant someone that will go to your house at the drop of a hat when you've got personal stuff going on to watch a chessy movie you like. Not someone who fakes going to sleep or gives lame excuses why she doesn't want to meet a friend you really want her to meet. It's not presents or randomly flashing you. It's little things that make you feel great and like she truly wants to be with you and not just when it's convienent to her. Your posts don't read like that.

She may be 30, but most of your posts puts her emotionally at early 20s still. You shouldn't be playing those types of games at your age, all it does is lead to confusion and arguments. Stop playing games and put all your cards on the table, don't dance around issues. Going slow is fine, but there's a difference between going slow and using that as an excuse to not talk about the real issues, what are you looking for? Where is this going? What broke you up before? Does that factor still exsist (was it both of you playing games?)

 

[Spider-Who?]

What Spider-Who? said is correct, but this post isn't what I was talking about being the dream girl isn't what I was thinking. I meant someone that will go to your house at the drop of a hat when you've got personal stuff going on to watch a chessy movie you like. Not someone who fakes going to sleep or gives lame excuses why she doesn't want to meet a friend you really want her to meet. It's not presents or randomly flashing you. It's little things that make you feel great and like she truly wants to be with you and not just when it's convienent to her. Your posts don't read like that.

She may be 30, but most of your posts puts her emotionally at early 20s still. You shouldn't be playing those types of games at your age, all it does is lead to confusion and arguments. Stop playing games and put all your cards on the table, don't dance around issues. Going slow is fine, but there's a difference between going slow and using that as an excuse to not talk about the real issues, what are you looking for? Where is this going? What broke you up before? Does that factor still exsist (was it both of you playing games?)

This. This. This.

 

[Anita18]

What Spider-Who? said is correct, but this post isn't what I was talking about being the dream girl isn't what I was thinking. I meant someone that will go to your house at the drop of a hat when you've got personal stuff going on to watch a chessy movie you like. Not someone who fakes going to sleep or gives lame excuses why she doesn't want to meet a friend you really want her to meet. It's not presents or randomly flashing you. It's little things that make you feel great and like she truly wants to be with you and not just when it's convienent to her. Your posts don't read like that.

She may be 30, but most of your posts puts her emotionally at early 20s still. You shouldn't be playing those types of games at your age, all it does is lead to confusion and arguments. Stop playing games and put all your cards on the table, don't dance around issues. Going slow is fine, but there's a difference between going slow and using that as an excuse to not talk about the real issues, what are you looking for? Where is this going? What broke you up before? Does that factor still exsist (was it both of you playing games?)

I concur! And I don't get how someone can be your best friend although you still can't read each other. Although it's one thing to be unable to read them and caring/not caring about it. Sometimes it's hard to read my bf but I always know that he always has the best intentions for me, and I always clear the air by having really open communication. So I don't care that I can't read him sometimes, because I can just ask him and he'll give me a straight answer.

People still play those stupid games at 20? I thought they were lame in high school. No wonder why my bf and I are so boring!

 

[JStorm]

What Spider-Who? said is correct, but this post isn't what I was talking about being the dream girl isn't what I was thinking. I meant someone that will go to your house at the drop of a hat when you've got personal stuff going on to watch a chessy movie you like. Not someone who fakes going to sleep or gives lame excuses why she doesn't want to meet a friend you really want her to meet. It's not presents or randomly flashing you. It's little things that make you feel great and like she truly wants to be with you and not just when it's convienent to her. Your posts don't read like that.

She may be 30, but most of your posts puts her emotionally at early 20s still. You shouldn't be playing those types of games at your age, all it does is lead to confusion and arguments. Stop playing games and put all your cards on the table, don't dance around issues. Going slow is fine, but there's a difference between going slow and using that as an excuse to not talk about the real issues, what are you looking for? Where is this going? What broke you up before? Does that factor still exsist (was it both of you playing games?)

She didn't fake sleep. And convenient to her is what matters now. You are being highly presumptuous, not knowing her full story. Her sister has a sick child and is unable to take care of said child on her own. Also, Susan has a son of her own as well as the sister having a son, aside from the sickly daughter.

She is HIGHLY busy and works a whole hell of a lot.

Sure I get what you are saying, but there are more dynamics to this relationship than just me questioning her reasons behind being shady.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

She didn't fake sleep. And convenient to her is what matters now. You are being highly presumptuous, not knowing her full story. Her sister has a sick child and is unable to take care of said child on her own. Also, Susan has a son of her own as well as the sister having a son, aside from the sickly daughter.

She is HIGHLY busy and works a whole hell of a lot.

Sure I get what you are saying, but there are more dynamics to this relationship than just me questioning her reasons behind being shady.

You're asking the opinion of people who are removed from the situation and don't know the whole story. I can only go by your posts and form opinions from that. Everyone comes back on here after someone posts something they don't want to hear saying we're wrong, hopefully we are, however if a girl (or guy) really, truly wants to be with you, they'll find a way.

Also, I am not wrong about game playing, that is never healthy in a relationship. As an example, my girlfriend's roommate is a huge game player, when she started dating a new guy, my girlfriend asked some innocent questions, ones her roommate didn't want to ask because she was playing games. It caused her roommate to be totally honest about what she wanted and where she wanted this new relationship to go with the guy she was dating and now they have a great relationship because they communicated everything they wanted and stopped playing games.

 

[JStorm]

You're asking the opinion of people who are removed from the situation and don't know the whole story. I can only go by your posts and form opinions from that. Everyone comes back on here after someone posts something they don't want to hear saying we're wrong, hopefully we are, however if a girl (or guy) really, truly wants to be with you, they'll find a way.

Also, I am not wrong about game playing, that is never healthy in a relationship. As an example, my girlfriend's roommate is a huge game player, when she started dating a new guy, my girlfriend asked some innocent questions, ones her roommate didn't want to ask because she was playing games. It caused her roommate to be totally honest about what she wanted and where she wanted this new relationship to go with the guy she was dating and now they have a great relationship because they communicated everything they wanted and stopped playing games.

I think we've missed the mark here, mate. I was referring to her time management and your idea of wanting/trying her best to be with me and further this relationship. I believe she does, yet she is tied to a lot of respobsiblites and does keep a very busy work schedule. A lot of our time will be me bending more for her, if I want this to work. Trust me, when she is free she makes the effort to come to me, take the time to do the dating thing. As for now, it's whatever time we can make and/or get.


As for the game theory, I am on board with you and not calling any of you wrong. I agree the cards should be on the table, as you said. Both my brother and I came to that conclusion the other evening: I shouldn't hold back, no games, and treat her like we never stopped dating. Sure times will be slow, obvioulsy we can't 'literally' jump back in like that. But the theory is to just get back to what was right and move away from what we did wrong.

We are re-learning one another. I'm sure it's just as frightening for her. But I know how she feels just by that one look she gives me.

My last post may have been rough. My apologies, sir.

 

[Rincewind]

So, I need an advice.

I think I have fallen for a co-worker of mine. I didn’t think that it would be that easy – for quite some time now I have been single, I got used to being alone and lonely, and didn’t mind it. But all it really took was this cute girl starting to pay attention to me. Now we are as close as co-workers can get, we’re almost constantly together, talking and joking. Heck, her usual way to greet me is with a hug.

The thing is that, no matter how that may seem, I’m actually neck deep in the Friend Zone. She acts much the same way with a couple of other co-workers of ours, and we have formed something like an inner friend circle.
She is engaged to some guy, and she recently admitted to me that he’s very jealous and she was on the verge of breaking up with him because of that before he proposed to her. Just yesterday I witnessed how she argued with him on the phone because of that (she was with us, the inner circle of co-workers, for some of the holidays and he got jealous because he didn’t know us); and no, I wasn’t prying or spying on her, it just happened when we were on our dinner break, so I just witnessed it. After the fight she became upset and began to cry. I hugged her and tried to console her the best I could. She admitted that she considered to break up with him. I adviced her to think everything through and do whatever it will make her happy (yeah, I’m useless, I know).

Now, what do I need an advice for? I keep telling myself that, no, I haven’t fallen for her, that I care for her only as a friend/co-worker, but it’s no good. I’m not head over heels in love, but I think that I have a crush. What I usually do in such situations is simple – I run away. I have no use for romantic relationships, and if I need sex that bad, I visit a hooker or have a go with a f—k buddy of mine. However, I can’t run away now – we work in the same place, and mainly in the same shifts. Come spring, I have decided to quit that job (for entirely different reasons and now I’m just saving up some money), but until then, what should I do? Any advice how to distance myself emotionally from her, without spoiling our relations? I’m sure she doesn’t have a clue about how I actually feel and she has put me in the Friend Zone, so I can’t do or say anything – it’s a checkmate with the pawn. So how should I stop caring emotionally for her without her actually getting to know what happened and what I feel?

 

[Erzengel]

There is no way you can distance yourself emotionally without ruining your friendship, especially if the way you are friends with her at work is the "status quo".

If you really just don't want her to know how you really feel, just stick it out til Spring and once you leave you can pretty much sever the relationship which is a way to distance yourself emotionally.

The only other way to distance yourself emotionally is to get your own gf. I wouldn't try and get involved in her current situation with her fiance unless she opens up to you about that specifically. (i.e., do you think I'm making the right decision?)

 

[Eggyman]

So, I need an advice.

I think I have fallen for a co-worker of mine. I didn’t think that it would be that easy – for quite some time now I have been single, I got used to being alone and lonely, and didn’t mind it. But all it really took was this cute girl starting to pay attention to me. Now we are as close as co-workers can get, we’re almost constantly together, talking and joking. Heck, her usual way to greet me is with a hug.

The thing is that, no matter how that may seem, I’m actually neck deep in the Friend Zone. She acts much the same way with a couple of other co-workers of ours, and we have formed something like an inner friend circle.
She is engaged to some guy, and she recently admitted to me that he’s very jealous and she was on the verge of breaking up with him because of that before he proposed to her. Just yesterday I witnessed how she argued with him on the phone because of that (she was with us, the inner circle of co-workers, for some of the holidays and he got jealous because he didn’t know us); and no, I wasn’t prying or spying on her, it just happened when we were on our dinner break, so I just witnessed it. After the fight she became upset and began to cry. I hugged her and tried to console her the best I could. She admitted that she considered to break up with him. I adviced her to think everything through and do whatever it will make her happy (yeah, I’m useless, I know).

Now, what do I need an advice for? I keep telling myself that, no, I haven’t fallen for her, that I care for her only as a friend/co-worker, but it’s no good. I’m not head over heels in love, but I think that I have a crush. What I usually do in such situations is simple – I run away. I have no use for romantic relationships, and if I need sex that bad, I visit a hooker or have a go with a f—k buddy of mine. However, I can’t run away now – we work in the same place, and mainly in the same shifts. Come spring, I have decided to quit that job (for entirely different reasons and now I’m just saving up some money), but until then, what should I do? Any advice how to distance myself emotionally from her, without spoiling our relations? I’m sure she doesn’t have a clue about how I actually feel and she has put me in the Friend Zone, so I can’t do or say anything – it’s a checkmate with the pawn. So how should I stop caring emotionally for her without her actually getting to know what happened and what I feel?

I have a bottle of Cherry Coke in one hand and I keep looking at it and it's only a drink and won't last very long but I really want it. But, I've just noticed in my other hand I have a nice cold beer and it NEEDS to be drank or it'll go flat if I don't drink it right now and--you know what?--after I've finished it I'm getting another one because it's going to be so good. When I wake up with a hangover tomorrow I'll still like Cherry Coke but I'll understand that every shop sells them and there's no need to get bent out of shape about not being able to get the lid off.

There's always beer.

 

[Rincewind]

The only other way to distance yourself emotionally is to get your own gf. I wouldn't try and get involved in her current situation with her fiance unless she opens up to you about that specifically. (i.e., do you think I'm making the right decision?)

Well, that - she opening up to me - more or less happened already, but even so, I don't want to get involved. I also don't want a gf. That's the point. What I want is the emotional status-quo I had a couple of months ago.

And, Eggyman, nice allegory.

 

[Eggyman]

It wasn't! I was just being silly with lots of coffee and sugar (no beer). Listen to Erz.

 

[Erzengel]

Well, that - she opening up to me - more or less happened already, but even so, I don't want to get involved. I also don't want a gf. That's the point. What I want is the emotional status-quo I had a couple of months ago.

And, Eggyman, nice allegory.

Have you ever had a gf?

 

[Rincewind]

Yes, and I'm better on by myself.

 

[Erzengel]

How old are you? I'm not trying to pry. But I understand if you were soured by a relationship or 2 however the fact that it seems that you care for her as much as you do. Sorry, I think it's more than just "caring for a co-worker" as it seems you see her as at least a friend if not more. It just appears while you may try and tell yourself that you don't need a relationship, the fact that you seem to have general feelings for this girl says otherwise.

 

[Rincewind]

Three days ago, I had my 23th birthday. So there's that.

The things about me and relationships is that life has thaught me that everything is so much simpler without them. I feel absolutely fine as a single man. What does a relationship give me that a bacherlor's life cannot? Sex? I can get that without being in a relationship. Love and friendship? If I need friendship, I have friends and love is well... overrated, because it comes with so much emotional baggage that it's not even funny.
I have been soured by a relationship, but even before that I held the same view. What happened just proved me right - I'm better on by myself.

Anyway, yes, I know that it's more than just "caring for a co-worker". I just try to convince myself otherwise, as I see no other way to confront my feelings without anyone finding out. It's not working spectacularly well, but I see no other way.

 

[Erzengel]

2 more questions, have you ever been in love? Also how long was your longest relationship?

 

[LOBO3315a]

Funny thing about romantic relationships: they are terribly complicated, painful and time-consuming. However, if you have a good one it all seems worth it, and you rarely notice the complications, pain and time spent on it.

 

[Erzengel]

Most relationships I think are worth it and people tend to focus on the unfortunate dissolution instead of the happier times of the past ones.

Edit: 52,000th Post.