The Danger Room

[Keyser Soze]

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Why don't you reach out and touch someone?"

Crispus Allen narrowly dodged the watermelon, ducking behind the counter. The crazy ****ing clown, he thought to himself as he looked around for materials to use. He’d have to save the gun for precisions shots. The only two things in reach were a stapler and a tagging gun. He needed to get back into the store.

Crispus jumped up from behind the counter, taking the chair and kicking it towards the Joker.

Quickly, he ran away, in the direction of the condiments section.

"Oh, so he's going for a supermarket sweep, eh? Two can play at that game..."

Joker followed Crispus back into the Wal-Mart, but took a different, more direct route to the condiments section. He grabbed a bottle of mustard, and as Crispus rounded the corner, The Joker sprung out and squirted the bottle's contents into Crispus' eyes.

With Crispus stunned, The Joker cracked him in the side of the head with the bottle, knocking him to the ground. Then, he stood over him gloatingly, one foot planted on his chest while he perused the shelves.

"Would you like to sample some of the ketchup?"

 

[Harlekin]

"Would you like to sample some of the ketchup?"

Crispus rubbed the mustard from his glasses and saw the Joker grinning at him. Unlike the Joker, he found it impossible to quip at the situation. Taking the stapler out of his pocket, Crispus rammed it into the madman’s leg, stapling away, fastening the tailored pants to the skin of the Joker’s leg.

Yowling in pain, the Joker released the pressure and Crispus rolled away. Opposite to the condiments were various other items used in the preparation, such as flour. Crispus scrambled to his feet and grabbed two bags of flour, throwing them back at the Joker immediately.

 

[Batman]

The Bat Vs. The Canary

"Ah!" try as I might to hold it in, the cry escaped my lips. I don't want to show any weakness or fear, but that hurt! His head comes towards me and I tilt back to create distance and lessen the blow as much as I can.

It connects anyway, bringing tears to my eyes. Anger boils up inside me as my nose smarts, in a trained reaction I bring my knee up to his groin, wrapping my leg around his and pulling it out from under him. I have to get him down, he's to much of a threat if he stands. He hits the ground with a thud as his back connects to it. But the impact will do little to stun him given his armor.

His armor gives him a distinct advantage over me, covering most of the practical pressure points. His arms however, givn the smaller armor patches, and the potentially light structure of their manufacture might give me a chance if I manage to hit it hard enough.

Regaining my balance I lean over I strike the Pericardium 4 pressure point as he hits the ground. Taking the opening that gives me I step away from him slightly so he can't catch my legs.

Distinct pain shockwaves through my body after each blinding, unseen, relentless attack. First in the groin, then my spine, and finally the weaker points in my armor. It sends a clear message to me... whoever she really is, given that she's far too old to be the Dinah Lance I know, she's far from an untrained amatuer. Discovering the weaker points in my armor exposes her expertise. But it does me little good, as I try to press on with the attack.

Pain's still throbbing. Head's spinning. Have to ignore it... use it... put everything that went into it right back at her...

With a calculated push, I use my body as a spear, straightening it and slamming both legs into her ribs as I fly. Realizing this won't do me much good if I don't land, I spread my cape out, and twist, pushing off of her and leaping into the air. I've played too many games with her as it is... she's already proven herself a clear threat, and unwilling to talk, or be intimidated. It's time I took her down for good.

Reaching into my belt, I unsheathe a handful of mini-smoke grenades, and toss them towards her. They explode upon impact from hitting the floors, and create a clear trail leading straight to her. If she comes for me, the smoke will affect her... possibly collaspe her lungs, if she's foolish enough to breathe it all in. But something tells me she's not.

"You almost had me,", I call out, letting the cowl protect me as I place my cape over my exposed mouth, so as to not let my own weapon become my handicap. "It's clear that you've prepared for encounters like this. Perhaps you've even faced far more skilled men then I could ever dream to be."

My voice goes around in circles. A trained ventriloquism I learned from Zatarra Zatanna, in the art of show. I just managed to harness it for more practical means.

"That doesn't mean you're free from mistake. And I think you know that.", I growl.

 

[Keyser Soze]

"Would you like to sample some of the ketchup?"

Crispus rubbed the mustard from his glasses and saw the Joker grinning at him. Unlike the Joker, he found it impossible to quip at the situation. Taking the stapler out of his pocket, Crispus rammed it into the madman’s leg, stapling away, fastening the tailored pants to the skin of the Joker’s leg.

Yowling in pain, the Joker released the pressure and Crispus rolled away. Opposite to the condiments were various other items used in the preparation, such as flour. Crispus scrambled to his feet and grabbed two bags of flour, throwing them back at the Joker immediately.

The two bags of flour exploded all over The Joker. For a second, The Joker was lost in a mist of flour. When it cleared, The Joker was left standing, covered head-to-toe in white flour. He looked like some kind of cheap B-movie ghost. He shook his head, and a cloud of flour rose from it.

"Oh God! Oh God! My...my skin! It's all white! HA HA! All...all white...HA! Whatever will I do! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAH!"

He let out an exclamation of pain as he stepped forward, remembering the staples now lining his leg. His smile remained fixed, but his eyes burned with hatred.

"You're not the only one with toys, old man."

With a flick of the wrist, The Joker produced a knife. He took a threatening step forward, another puff of flour rising up in his wake.

"Now come here, so I can give you a nice big smile..."

 

[Batman]

Flash Clash!

I stand across from my nephew, the same one who's resented me all these years for killing Thawne, who's wearing his own Flash costume. It makes me proud, and kind of angry.

"I am Barry Allen! But I don't think you're Wally West. Wally isn't even speaking to me! Why would he put on a Flash suit??"

I dissapear from the imposter's sight, appearing behind him and grabbing him around the throat.

"Who sent you?!"

Gritting his teeth, Wally's eyes widen as he realizes that even he couldn't see the opponent cross over from one side of the room to the other. It would be almost fooling, were he any other man. But Wally had faced many threats like this. Notably from the misguided magician, Abra Kadabra. This could easily have been one of his tricks at work, trying to throw The Flash off of some other scheme he was planning. But Wally didn't have time to think about that now... he was at the mercy of the imposter Barry Allen's rock-hard grip.

Vibrating his molecules, so that they became intangible, The Flash phased right through the imposter, and grabbed him by the waist. With a super-charged pull, Wally threw the mimic Flash across the hall, into the chamber of villain costumes that the museum had kept on display. Turning, Wally raced forth, little more than a blur, as he slammed into his opponent before he could think to get up. The two streaks of crimson bounced across the room, breaking numerous tubes that protected the costumes of Captain Boomerang, Mirror Master, The Trickster, The Pied Piper, and The Top from harm.

"Man,youreallypickedthewrongdaytomesswithme,", The Flash blurted out, in sentences faster than the speed of light, before decking his enemy with a right, and knocking him out of the force of speed that Wally had dragged him into with the attack.

Coming to a stop, as his boots steamed from the heat, Wally grabbed the enemy, and held him to his face, angrily.

"You've got the costume, the voice... even the power of my uncle down pat. But you've got to your facts straight, if you really want to play me for the fool.", Wally continued, with a glare. "I could've never hated Barry! NEVER!"

 

[Harlekin]

"Now come here, so I can give you a nice big smile..."

Unpredictably would be key in beating the Joker, and therefore, without warning, Crispus lunged forward, grabbing the Joker’s knife hand. Pulling out the tagging gun from his coat, Crispus tagged a price on the Joker’s head, which was likely to hurt. Carrying the shift of momentum along, Crispus forced the Joker to the ground and ran again.

He’d have to find a place from which he could get a clear shot.

He’d been lucky twice now in a close confrontation, but he couldn’t risk sticking close to the madman. Who knew what the kooky criminal kept in those pockets? Crispus had seen the photographs of the deranged smiles the villain had forced on the faces of good cops. Crispus was determined to not let that happen to him.

Crispus stopped running when he had reached the two section once again.

 

[Keyser Soze]

Crrrrrrrrrkt...

The loudspeaker system crackled into life.

"Good evening customers, if you see a middle-aged black man with a bullet wound hobbling by, please steer clear of him, as he is marked for death. And we have a fabulous buy 1 get one free offer on 6-packs of Pepsi! Thank you for listening."

Crrrrrrrrkt...

And then, all the lights switched off.

 

[Harlekin]

The lights went out.

Not a good thing, Crispus mused as he stood in the toy section. It did give him a sense of the Joker’s location. Now all he had to do was get the Joker into the right spot at the right time. To do that, he’d have to attract some attention. He tried to look around him in the pitch black darkness for anything that could aid in this.

“Sometimes the simplest solution really is in front of you,” he said as he smiled and rammed himself into the of the shelves. It fell over as predicted and started a chain reaction as shelve after shelve fell to the ground, knocking over other shelves and displays. It was still dark, but it’d give him a much better line of sight.

Trouble was, the same held true for the Joker.

 

[Byrd Man]

Flash Clash!

Gritting his teeth, Wally's eyes widen as he realizes that even he couldn't see the opponent cross over from one side of the room to the other. It would be almost fooling, were he any other man. But Wally had faced many threats like this. Notably from the misguided magician, Abra Kadabra. This could easily have been one of his tricks at work, trying to throw The Flash off of some other scheme he was planning. But Wally didn't have time to think about that now... he was at the mercy of the imposter Barry Allen's rock-hard grip.

Vibrating his molecules, so that they became intangible, The Flash phased right through the imposter, and grabbed him by the waist. With a super-charged pull, Wally threw the mimic Flash across the hall, into the chamber of villain costumes that the museum had kept on display. Turning, Wally raced forth, little more than a blur, as he slammed into his opponent before he could think to get up. The two streaks of crimson bounced across the room, breaking numerous tubes that protected the costumes of Captain Boomerang, Mirror Master, The Trickster, The Pied Piper, and The Top from harm.

"Man,youreallypickedthewrongdaytomesswithme,", The Flash blurted out, in sentences faster than the speed of light, before decking his enemy with a right, and knocking him out of the force of speed that Wally had dragged him into with the attack.

Coming to a stop, as his boots steamed from the heat, Wally grabbed the enemy, and held him to his face, angrily.

"You've got the costume, the voice... even the power of my uncle down pat. But you've got to your facts straight, if you really want to play me for the fool.", Wally continued, with a glare. "I could've never hated Barry! NEVER!"

I feel Wally's hot breath against my skin and I grit my teeth.

"That changed the day I had to save your aunt from Professor Zoom by snapping his neck."

His fingers slip as I vibrate and go intangible, slipping from his grap.

I think fast, grabbing Captain Cold's old Cold Gun and spraying frost on Wally's boots to distract him.

"I know you've got be a fraud, you changed the Flash suit!"

I speed off, out of Keystone and racing around the globe.

 

[Keyser Soze]

The lights went out.

Not a good thing, Crispus mused as he stood in the toy section. It did give him a sense of the Joker’s location. Now all he had to do was get the Joker into the right spot at the right time. To do that, he’d have to attract some attention. He tried to look around him in the pitch black darkness for anything that could aid in this.

“Sometimes the simplest solution really is in front of you,” he said as he smiled and rammed himself into the of the shelves. It fell over as predicted and started a chain reaction as shelve after shelve fell to the ground, knocking over other shelves and displays. It was still dark, but it’d give him a much better line of sight.

Trouble was, the same held true for the Joker.

*BOOOOOOOOOOOING*

*BOOOOOOOOOOOING*

*BOOOOOOOOOOOING*

In the dark, the springing sound could be heard, getting closer and closer to Crispus Allen. It was The Joker, bouncing on a pogo-stick, and he was fast approaching Crispus.

"BOO! HAHAHAHAHA!"

He pointed his gun at Crispus (or round about where he thought he was, hard to aim in the dark) and opened fire.

 

[Harlekin]

Crispus dropped down to the floor and returned fire. To his amazement, one of the bullets hit the bottom of the pogo stick, forcing it backwards, thereby toppling the Joker forward. Crispus quickly scrambled to his feet and smiled as he saw an entire box full of bouncing balls. Taking them out of the box, he threw them in the vicinity of the Joker.

Again, Crispus ran, but this time, with direction. If he’d remembered right, there’d be an entire shelve full of marble sets around the corner that he could use.

 

[Keyser Soze]

Just as The Joker was regaining his footing, a bouncing ball clipped him right under the chin, knocking him to the ground again. As he struggled to his feet, he looked over at a giant teddy bear sitting on the display shelf.

"What are you laughing at? HA HA!"

The Joker put a bullet in the teddy bear's head, and it exploded in a mushroom cloud of stuffing. Chuckling fiendishly, he set off in pursuit of Crispus.

"CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISPY! Come out come out whereeeeeeeeever you are...."

 

[Harlekin]

"CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISPY! Come out come out whereeeeeeeeever you are...."

Crispus hoped he’d live to see his wife and kids again. As he heard the Joker approach, he snatched as many sets of marbles as he could and unleashed them onto the floor. Immediately afterwards, he drew his gun, turned around the shelf and unloaded his entire clip into the dark of the supermarket.

 

[Keyser Soze]

The Joker felt bullets whizzing past, narrowly missing him.

"HAHA! Missed me..."

But before he could respond, his feet slid right out from under him. He landed hard on his back.

What the hell just happened?

As he lay prone on his back, he felt around the floor, and discovered the culprit. Marbles.

"Ugh....I feel like I've walked into a Home Alone movie..."

 

[Harlekin]

"Ugh....I feel like I've walked into a Home Alone movie..."
“Culkin never did this good,” Crispus replied as he jumped on the Joker and delivered a blow to the clown’s head with his gun. Fear was slowly making way for righteous anger.

“Now what do you think your odds are, you sonuva*****?” Crispus asked as he levelled the gun to the Joker’s face.

 

[Keyser Soze]

"Oh, I always have an ace up my sleeve..."

With a fluid flick of the wrist, The Joker produced a playing card from his sleeve, and swiped it across Allen's face, the razor sharp edge cutting through his skin.

With Crispus momentarily stunned, Joker took advantage and swiped the cop's gun away. Then, still lying on his back on the floor, The Joker grabbed Crispus by the back of the head, pulled him close, and sunk his teeth right into the flesh of Allen's cheek.

 

[Harlekin]

“RRRARRRGH!” Crispus yelled out in pain. The Joker was biting in his cheek! In his cheek! Still on top of the Joker, Crispus was able to apply pressure with his legs to the Joker’s lungs, forcing him to let go. Blood covered Crispus’ cheek but he used the moment to deliver a headbutt, quite possibly breaking the Joker’s nose in the process.

 

[Keyser Soze]

“RRRARRRGH!” Crispus yelled out in pain. The Joker was biting in his cheek! In his cheek! Still on top of the Joker, Crispus was able to apply pressure with his legs to the Joker’s lungs, forcing him to let go. Blood covered Crispus’ cheek but he used the moment to deliver a headbutt, quite possibly breaking the Joker’s nose in the process.

Blood gushed out The Joker's shattered nose, and he made gurgling sounds as he struggled to breathe. But still, the laughter came.

"Sssssssssssssssshlt! Heh heh heh heh HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ffffffft!"

The Joker hit Crispus with a stiff knee to the privates, knocking the cop off his mounted position. Both struggled to get to their feet, but The Joker was up first, and he charged at the winded Allen, and smacked him with a swooping kick that connected under the jaw.

 

[Harlekin]

Crispus winced as the Joker kicked him the genitals. The Joker was about to make the pain worse as his kick connected with Crispus’ jaw, sending him falling on top of one of the shelves he had knocked over. Every bone was starting to hurt not to mention he was getting bloodied. Still, most of that blood was from the clown, Crispus noted as he quickly scanned the toppled shelf for anything useful.

The Joker was approaching him now again, laughing.

That damned laugh.

As the Joker momentarily stood gloating, Crispus quickly pushed himself off from the shelf and turned, smacking the Joker full in the face with a plastic trout. The shelf Crispus had been knocked into housed plastic animals for kids to play with in the bathtub.

 

[Keyser Soze]

The Joker was sent flying back into a shelf full of toy animals. Sputtering and coughing amidst his giggles, blood streaming down his face, The Joker struggled back to his feet.

"You hit me with...a fish?"

He grabbed onto one of the toy animals.

"I see your fish, and raise you...a RUBBER CHICKEN!"

The Joker pimp-slapped Crispus with a rubber chicken.

 

[Harlekin]

The rubber chicken knocked out a tooth. It got Crispus mad. Immediately, he returned the blow with the trout while reaching back with his hand to grab something to shield himself with. He ended up pulling out the rubber duck, which squeaked as he held it tightly. The Joker laughed as Crispus threw the duck into the air and went in for another smack with the trout.

 

[Keyser Soze]

Before Crispus could connect with the trout, The Joker shot a spray of acid from his trick-flower into his face. As Crispus collapsed backwards against the shelves, screaming in agony, The Joker reached into his pocket.

"Oh, Crispy, this has been a hoot! But time marches on, and I have other pressing engagements. But this was a wonderful contest. Let's end it on a gentlemen's handshake."

By now, of course, The Joker had slipped a high-voltage joy buzzer onto his finger. He forcibly grabbed Crispus' arm, and thrust it into a lethal handshake.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHA!"

When the smoke had cleared, and The Joker finally released the handhsake, all that was left of Crispus Allen was a charred carcass.

"CRISPY CRISPY! HA HA! CRISPY CRISPY!"

The Joker peeled the price-tag off the rubber chicken, and stuck it onto the burnt remains of Crispus' forehead. Then, hoisting up the corpse by the shoulders, The Joker dragged it through the Wal-Mart, and dumped it into his shopping cart on top of all the diapers. Whistling to himself, The Joker pushed the cart up to the checkouts. Empty now, of course.

"That's the thing about Wal-Mart. Terrible customer service. Come on, Crispus, let's take a ride..."

Patting the fried corpse on the head, The Joker strolled past the checkouts, and straight out of Wal-Mart.


[END]

 

[Harlekin]

[END]

OOC: Great job, Keyser. Really sick. Was fun to play with you.

 

[Keyser Soze]

[END]

OOC: Great job, Keyser. Really sick. Was fun to play with you.

OOC: Thanks! Had great fun playing with you too. t:

 

[Blacklight]

[Begin]
The funniest battle evah!

Location - An old Gotham circus

Character - Deadpool (OU)
Weapons - Swords, guns, teleprter belt
Clothing - classic red duds
Health - perfect
vs.
Character - Joker (OU)
Weapons - funny weapons.
Clothing - Purple tux.
Health - Perfect


[OOC: I'll start it.]