The Dirty Joke Thread

[Jolie_Desastre]

lol i posted a joke about that in another thread

 

[rodhulk]

Where did you get these jokes from ?

Just passed on through work and friends. I got a ton of them, not all dirty, but alot of jokes. If you guys keep reading them, I'll keep posting them (and you guys keep posting too, they're all great ). And with that, here's another one:


This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "gimme whiskey."
The bartender says, " I'll have to see your money first."
"I'm broke, sorry, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on stage and fart dixie!"
The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding.
Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder.
Then he proceeds to crap all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.
The bartender screams" You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not crap all over my stage!"
The guy replies, "Hey, even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"

 

[hey yo its sean]

I'm afraid that if i post my jokes, people won't like me anymore. They're hilarious, but pretty offensive.

 

[rodhulk]

I'm afraid that if i post my jokes, people won't like me anymore. They're hilarious, but pretty offensive.

You can take a chance, at least some of them I'm sure would be OK.

 

[C-$]

Just passed on through work and friends. I got a ton of them, not all dirty, but alot of jokes. If you guys keep reading them, I'll keep posting them (and you guys keep posting too, they're all great ). And with that, here's another one:


This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "gimme whiskey."
The bartender says, " I'll have to see your money first."
"I'm broke, sorry, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on stage and fart dixie!"
The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding.
Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder.
Then he proceeds to crap all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.
The bartender screams" You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not crap all over my stage!"
The guy replies, "Hey, even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"

 

[ScottyBBadd]

I would tell the one about "Sandpaper Sally" but I'm to lazy to type it all.

Me too.

 

[nosebleed.]

I'm afraid that if i post my jokes, people won't like me anymore. They're hilarious, but pretty offensive.

just make sure they are not pc. pc sucks.

 

[rodhulk]

Final one of the night for me:


If Niagra falls, Viagra........

The difference between Niagra and Viagra? Niagra falls.

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

If I give my computer monitor Viagra, will the screen get bigger?

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you"ll get a stiff neck.

 

[TheAlmightyFuzz]

2 of the jokes in here I heard when I was like 8 and 5 billion times since then, unfortunately they were never funny.

 

[rodhulk]

2 of the jokes in here I heard when I was like 8 and 5 billion times since then, unfortunately they were never funny.

But then that means all the others are which is a pretty high precentage.

 

[TheAlmightyFuzz]

But then that means all the others are which is a pretty high precentage.

yea, actually they were

 

[psychocheeseman]

why does micheal Jackson like twentyone yr olds?
















there's 20 of them.....

 

[Gamma Ray]

I have a good one:

A boy dares a girl to climb a tree one day. The girl does it, while the boy is looking from right under her. That night the girl tells her mother about the dare and the mother says that the boy only wanted her to climb the tree so that he could look up her skirt and see her panties.

The next day the girl sees the boy again and he dares her. She climbs and he looks up again. Her mother spots her and tells her to come down. They go home and the mother asks why she climbed again when she was informed that the boy is only daring her to climb to see her panties. To which the girl responds: "But mom, I did listen to you. I didn't wear any panties today!"

 

[Dew k. Mosi]

These are funny, so far, but let's keep them humorous and not offensive to race, religion or sexuality, ok?

 

[unknownuser]

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

[Downhere]

I have a good one:

A boy dares a girl to climb a tree one day. The girl does it, while the boy is looking from right under her. That night the girl tells her mother about the dare and the mother says that the boy only wanted her to climb the tree so that he could look up her skirt and see her panties.

The next day the girl sees the boy again and he dares her. She climbs and he looks up again. Her mother spots her and tells her to come down. They go home and the mother asks why she climbed again when she was informed that the boy is only daring her to climb to see her panties. To which the girl responds: "But mom, I did listen to you. I didn't wear any panties today!"

That was funny...I liked that one!

Here's another one:

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"


The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

 

[C.F. Kane]

What's the difference between light and hard?

















It's possible to sleep with a light on.

 

[WeaponZ2]

Heres one,

Little Miss Hubard went to the cupboard to get old rover a bone. When Little Miss Hubard bent over, Rover drove her, and soon she discoverd that Rover had a bone of his own!

Old mother Hubard went to her cupboard to get her poor dog a bone. When she lent over, Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.

You said it wrong.

 

[WeaponZ2]

Three old lades are sitting on a bench in the park when out of no ware a man jumps out and flashes them
The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke and the third cant reach.

 

[rodhulk]

Great ones, guys and gals. Keep 'em comin.

 

[rodhulk]

Didn't we already have a joke thread :/

Anyways

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

Once on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU", To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

Yeah, there's been a couple, but this one is devoted entirely to dirty jokes (however, as Dew rightly put it), there must still be an understanding that this is a public board and not to get too offensive.

And btw, welcome back to the joke threads.

 

[rodhulk]

This stand up guy is performing in a club one night and he asks the audience if anyone had ever had sex with a ghost?

As he's about to go on, somebody in the back raises their hand.

The stand up is confused as he didn't expect anybody to raise their hand. So he asks, "You sir, with your hand raised, you've had sex with a ghost?"

To which the guy with his hand raised replies, "Oh, no, sorry, I thought you said goat!"

 

[Charlie No-One]

A an old woman, on her death bad asks her sister to have this written on her tombstone:

Born a virgin
Lived a virgin
Died a virgin

The Tombstone Company thought this was way too long so they just put:

Returned unopened.

 

[rodhulk]

OK, it's saturday night, let's get this htread alive and kickin again. I'll be back in a couple of minutes with another one.

 

[Golgo-13]

Ok, ok, I've got one... I hate knowing it, but...

A kid and his parents were walking through a park one day, and the kid sees two dogs ****ing.

"Mommy," the kid asked,"What are the dogs doing?"

"Making cakes," the mother replied.

The next day, the kid goes to his mom.

"Mommy, did you and daddy make cakes on the sofa last night?"

Shocked, the mother replies, "Yes, we did."

The kid says," I thought so. I licked the icing off of the sofa ."