The Joke thread.

[Ace of Knaves]

There was one before but it got closed. Let's start it up again yes?

What's the first question on quiz night in a pub in Basildon?

WHAT YOU ****IN' LOOKIN' AT?!!

How do you make a sweet, little old granny shout c***?

Get another sweet, little old granny to shout BINGO!

What do you call a Basildon girl in a white tracksuit?

The Bride.

Paddy and his family were found frozen to death outside the Odeon Cinema in Dublin.

They were queuing to see "Closed for the Winter"

 

[enterthemadness]

Oh hell no, you rule for making this.

1. Had Cocoa Puffs for breakfast one day. Got confused though. So I ended up grinding them up and started doing lines up my nose.

2. You know what low Native American populations mean? No more casinos.

3. Since I'm 1/16th Native American does that mean I can own a casino when they are no more Native Americans left?

4. We can't do donuts with the cart machines, but we can go in circles around blind people.

5. I wanna do something so offensive it makes a blind person go 'That really offends my eyes'. 'And I can't see.'

6. I want a gf so bad, I should walk up to a blind man and punch him in the face! then say 'Ha, guess you didn't see that one coming.'

 

[SuperFerret]

Oh, I get it. It's an irony thing.

 

[Immortalfire]

2 Irishmen walk out of a bar.

 

[Manic]

Lindsay Lohan

 

[Spider-Fan]

Your face

 

[The Squirrel]

Your face

Your mom.

 

[Halloween]

Your momma is so scary, they renamed halloween, "Yourmommaween."

 

[Jumpin' Jack]

This normal walking path and his friend enters a bar and a another path punches him. The walking path gets up and his friend says don't worry he's a cycle-path.

 

[Gilpesh]

A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar. And the bartender goes, "What's this? Some sort of joke?"

 

[Motown Marvel]

what do you call someone who hangs around bands alot? [blackout]the drummer[/blackout]

how do you get a drummer off your doorstep? [blackout]you pay him for the pizza[/blackout]


knock knock.
whos there?
9/11
9/11 who?
[blackout]i thought you said you'd never forget[/blackout]

 

[SuperFerret]

Okay, that 9/11 one is pretty good.



400 clowns died today in a horrible collision on the corner of Broadway and Main Street, [blackout]the people in the other car were unharmed.[/blackout]

 

[-Arya-]

Kelly Clarkson

 

[bullets]

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply.

 

[Gilpesh]

So I have a joke right now... about a man that walked into a talent agent's office.

Spoiler

And he had his family with him...

Spoiler

So the agent said, "Hey, I don't really do family acts... so could you leav-"

Spoiler

The man interrupts him and says, "Don't worry! This act is so amazing that you'll have to represent us!"

The agent grumbles to himself but agrees to see the act.

Spoiler

So the man and his family start to sing the National Anthem as the kids wave flags back and forth when suddenly...

Spoiler

The man punches his wife right in the nose.

Spoiler

And the daughter kicks her brother right in the nuts as dad start to smack mom around room. Front hand, back hand, front back, front back. Etc etc.

Spoiler

The son grabs his sister by the hair and then starts to slam her head on the desk as mom is now stomping on dad's crotch as he punches himself in the eye.

Spoiler

Sis gets hit with a chair, her brother gets an atomic wedgie, mom gets a broken rib from a strong kick, and dad gets all his teeth knocked out with a paper weight.

Spoiler

They all then stand up, say, "Ta-da!" and take a bow... well, injury-allowable bows. And the talent agent just sits there a moment before asking them, "What's the name of your act?"

The dad yells back his reply...

Spoiler

THE ARISTOCRATS!

Spoiler

And that's how you tell the Aristocrats when you can't say ****ing.

 

[Poetic Chaos]

The first joke I ever heard in first grade: Why can't witches get pregnant?

Because their husbands don't have Halloweenys.

Pure gold to this day.

 

[blueharvest]

It was the morning of Ralph's birthday and there was a knock on the door. "Telegram!"

Filled with excitement, Ralph opened the door and asked the messenger boy standing before him, "Is it a singing telegram?"​

"No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore," the messenger replied.​

"Oh, but I've always wanted to receive a singing telegram," a disappointed Ralph moaned. "Couldn't you just bend the rules a little and make an old man happy?"​

"I'm sorry, sir," replied the messenger.​

"Please," Ralph pleaded, "after all, today is my birthday."​

"Alright, sir, if you insist," the messenger said. "Dah-dah dah...dah-dah-dah, your sister Rose is dead!".​

 

[Motown Marvel]

okay, so this is the best bad joke ever. but it cant really be done properly by typing, you have to hear. so, in attempt to work with what we got....you know in the original mario brothers game, the second board, the blue underground area....okay, remember the theme song of that board. specifically the first three notes....

what are mario's pants made out of?

(to the theme of those first three notes)
[blackout]denim, denim, denim[/blackout]

 

[LouFerignoDemon]

I have a bunch of jokes, too bad they'd get me banned from the Hype. =(

 

[Carcharodon]

A penguin takes his car into the shop in Antarctica. His mechanic tells him the repairs could take a while, so the penguin decides to go walk around a bit. He passes an ice cream shop and, having a particular liking for vanilla, buys a vanilla ice cream cone.

After finishing his ice cream, the penguin returns to the shop, and the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Well, buddy, you blew a seal."

The penguin replies, "No, that's just ice cream."

 

[Aesop Rocks]

The first joke I ever heard in first grade: Why can't witches get pregnant?

Because their husbands don't have Halloweenys.

Pure gold to this day.

 

[BlackLantern]

why don't blind people skydive??

it scares the **** out of the dog

 

[Anubis]

Guy walks up to his friends house and knocks on the door. His friends wife answers. she says her husbands upstairs in the shower, he'll be down in a minute if you wanna come in. So, he comes in, and they sit down on the couch. The guy says, "Gee, Stacy, you look good today." She's like "Thanks Matt." Then Matt says, "Say, uh, this might sound a little crazy but, uh, I'll give you a 100 bucks if you show me your boobs." Stacy is taken aback by this. But Matt pulls out the 100 and she considers the possibilities. So, she says okay and she pops them out. Matt stares for a few seconds then says "Nice. Very nice." She goes to put them back when Matt says, "Wait a minute, uh, I'll give you another hundred if you let me touch them." Now, Stacy is really put off by this, but, he pulls out the other hundred and sets it on the table. She thinks about how she can get those awesome shoes she saw the other day and all she has to do is let this little perv touch her boobs. So, she says okay. Pops em out. He feels em for a few seconds. Then he hears the shower shut off and stands up. He gives her the money and heads for the door. Stacy's like "Where are you going? I thought you were here to see Mike?" Matt says he just remembered he had this thing he had to do and he left. Mike comes downstairs drying off his hair and asks Stacy who was that at the door? She says it was Matt, he just stopped by to see you but he remembered he had something else he needed to do. Then Mike says, "Really? Well did he at least drop off that 200 bucks he owes me?"

 

[Carcharodon]

A man was having sharp pains in his arm. After asking his friends, he hears that there's a machine at the local Walgreen's that can diagnose any ailment from a simple urine sample.

Skeptical, the man takes a small urine sample to the Walgreen's and puts it into the machine for analysis. The machine takes only thirty seconds before giving the following readout:

You have tennis-elbow. Allow your arm some rest and take an Advil.

The man was impressed, but became determined to find out the machine's limits. So, he got his reluctant wife and daughter to give him small urine samples, collected a sample from his dog, and, just for good measure, threw in a sample of his own semen. Upon mixing the fraudulent sample, the man returned to the Walgreen's and submitted the sample for analysis. After about 45 seconds, the machine gave the following readout:

Your daughter is pregnant, your wife has herpes, your dog is dying, and if you don't stop jerking off your tennis-elbow will never get better.

 

[Immortalfire]

why don't blind people skydive??

it scares the **** out of the dog