Sherlock Holmes and His sidekick Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up the tent site, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his trusty friend with a shake…
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies, “I see millions of bright stars.”
Holmes then asked… “What does that tell you?”
Watson thought for a moment before answering: “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Sherlock, What does it tell you?”
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
“Watson, you moron, someone has stolen our tent.”
A man was floating in the ocean on a piece of wood. Some sailors found him and took him to a hospital. He awoke from his near death experience 3 days later when a doctor came over to check on him. "Hello Mr. Johnson," the doctor said. "I see you are better, that is good. However, I have bad news and good news. Which one do you want to hear first Mr. Johnson?"
Mr. Johnson replied, "I guess the bad news first. It is always best to get that out of the way."
"Well," the doctor said. "They found your wife in the plane wreckage at the bottom of the ocean. I am very sorry. It also seems a shark got a hold of her body as well."
"That is awful." Mr. Johnson said. "What could be the good news?"
The doctor replied, "The good news is that when we were doing an autopsy, they found a priceless, black pearl in her body...downstairs. It could be worth millions. What do you want us to do with it?"
Mr. Johnson sat there for a minute. "Give me the pearl, reset the trap, and put her back down there."
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were talking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?"
What goes click-click "Is that it?", click-click "Is that it?", click-click "Is that it?"
Steve Wonder with a Rubik's cube.
How did the investigators know that Princess Di had dandruff?
Her 'Head and Shoulders' were in the glovebox.
This guy's wife was in a coma and he'd go and see her everyday. One day he decided to squeeze her left breast. To his surprise she sighed. He ran out to the doctor to tell him what had happened. The doctor told to squeeze her other breast. He went back in and did ad she moaned. he ran back out to the doctor and told him again. The doctor told him to perform oral sex on her just to see what happens. 5 minutes later the man came out crying. What happened?", asked the doctor. "She choked."
They both get rammed down your throat by a priest.
To Americans, in Australia, England and pretty much the rest of the English speaking world the word fanny means vagina. You'll need to know that to get this joke:
This guy was going on a date with a girl named Franny. To remember her name he keeps repeating to himself, "Fanny with and R."
He's having a shower. "Fanny with an R."
Getting dressed. "Fanny with an R."
Driving to her house. "Fanny with an R."
Knocking on her door. "Fanny with an R."
A guy walks into a bar. He's a nightly customer so the bartender gives him his usual drink. The guy tells the bartender, "No, I better not have my usual. Last night I got wasted off this stuff and blew chunks." The bartender looks at him and says, "There's nothing wrong with that. Everyone throws-up ever now and again." To which the customer replied, "No. You don't understand. Chunks is my dog".
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...and now I am going to hell for laughing
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great stuff
