The Mental health thread

[spiderman2]

And so what if they don't?

Maybe the women that you're interacting with simply aren't interested in forming friendships with you - or any other men for that matter.

Just because a person wants more friends, that doesn't mean said person is entitled to friendships.

Based upon your apparent need for them too, you're probably coming across as desperate, and/or trying to force something that simply isn't to be.

But you've got to get a handle on this. You've been told what you need to do, now it's up to you to do it.

I said chemistry. That's not the same thing as flirting.

Chemistry would be shared interests, appreciating the same sense of humour or foods. Flirting would be touchy or innocent embarrassment/blushing around you.

If a girl likes you more than a friend, I think there's be a clear sign about it, however in your current state of mind, I'd be weary as you're probably more prone to seeing signs that aren't there because you want too.

That's simply the way of the dating world. It's crappy, but that's the way it is. Accept it and move on. You can't force someone to acknowledge you.

Okay, let me put it another way.

You've suddenly got all this free time, and you're going to donate all of this money.

On the one hand, if you keep donating you'll eventually end up back where you are, without your newfound wealth.

On the other hand, what exactly would you do with all of this free time?

You've made a big thing out of having all this money to better help you in your life, but you've not been able to say what you'd actually do with it, so one must question whether a better financial status is really what you need.

I just don't know how to not come of to needy/desperate though and the girl I liked before this hang out with one of my friends once just has friends and that hurt me even though it was not a date or anything. Almost stopped talking to my friend back when I found that out.

Maybe clear signs to you but to me it's not if there where 2 woman who I got along with well and who talked to me a lot and 1 of them liked me but really only has like a friend and the other one liked me has more than a friend I would have no idea unless they straight out said I like you or tried to kiss me or something.

I never said give up all your money but like I said you could help a lot of people and just being able to play video games/watch tv/play basketball when ever you want sounds pretty great to me.

 

[spiderman2]

So I don't want to go in and talk to anyone just want time of hell i mean work but may not even beable to see anyone untill March.

 

[spiderman2]

Good news! My E.C.G came back normal, so there’s no problems with my heart, blood sugar, blood pressure, etc. At least there’s one thing I don’t have to worry about!

Although, my episodes did cause my behaviour to become more erratic and fearful than usual, and ruin one of the few friendships I have.

A mixed bag, I guess.

Sorry about the friendship that is hard glade to hear about the other stuff.

I had the intense hankering to just chug a bottle of pills tonight, because this is all crazy bull****.

You better tonight?

 

[Schlosser85]

Eh.....somewhat.

Been getting super burned out at work.

 

[InCali]

The weight bothers my self esteem some but I would say its more been damaged by the lack of finding a job and the fact I fell like woman don't like me at even a friend level. The weight I just know I would physical fell at least a little better with losing a little heart burn and such.

Step 1 dude. Exercise and feel even a little better about yourself. And try counseling.

 

[Flash525]

I just don't know how to not come of to needy/desperate though and the girl I liked before this hang out with one of my friends once just has friends and that hurt me even though it was not a date or anything. Almost stopped talking to my friend back when I found that out.

Maybe clear signs to you but to me it's not if there where 2 woman who I got along with well and who talked to me a lot and 1 of them liked me but really only has like a friend and the other one liked me has more than a friend I would have no idea unless they straight out said I like you or tried to kiss me or something.

Maybe you're just overthinking it all - too frequently. Stop thinking of women as objects that you deserve. Let be what'll be. What isn't meant to be you can't do anything about anyway.

I never said give up all your money but like I said you could help a lot of people and just being able to play video games/watch tv/play basketball when ever you want sounds pretty great to me.

So you want more money so you can just do mundane things such as video game and watch TV? How inspiring.

 

[Flash525]

So I don't want to go in and talk to anyone just want time of hell i mean work but may not even beable to see anyone untill March.

If you're potentially not going to be able to see anyone until March, you've got two/three months to work on yourself. Don't sit there eating, gaming and watching tv and then wonder why nothing changes.

Get out, go for walks, exercise and research healthy eating. You've potentially got between 8 and 12 weeks to do something productive. You have no excuses. If you want to make the changes. Make them.

Don't spend the time dwelling on women or work. Focus on you.

 

[InCali]

If you're potentially not going to be able to see anyone until March, you've got two/three months to work on yourself. Don't sit there eating, gaming and watching tv and then wonder why nothing changes.

Get out, go for walks, exercise and research healthy eating. You've potentially got between 8 and 12 weeks to do something productive. You have no excuses. If you want to make the changes. Make them.

Don't spend the time dwelling on women or work. Focus on you.

Yeah. All too often, people think they are supposed to fit some stereotype in order to be happy and nothing could be further from the truth. Some people probably shouldn't be in a "typical" relationship and if you think you need that in order to be happy, you're probably wrong. How many times have people thought "If only....", then "when only" happens, they figure out they still aren't happy.

Figure out what works for you. Take care of yourself. Be friendly. Get professional help if necessary. Don't assume what appears to make others happy is going to work for you.

 

[Flash525]

Yeah. All too often, people think they are supposed to fit some stereotype in order to be happy and nothing could be further from the truth. Some people probably shouldn't be in a "typical" relationship and if you think you need that in order to be happy, you're probably wrong. How many times have people thought "If only....", then "when only" happens, they figure out they still aren't happy.

Figure out what works for you. Take care of yourself. Be friendly. Get professional help if necessary. Don't assume what appears to make others happy is going to work for you.

Couldn't have said it better.

Here's just hoping, praying even that our resident spider takes notice and makes the necessary changes rather than just repeating that life isn't fair on them.

 

[spiderman2]

Maybe you're just overthinking it all - too frequently. Stop thinking of women as objects that you deserve. Let be what'll be. What isn't meant to be you can't do anything about anyway.

So you want more money so you can just do mundane things such as video game and watch TV? How inspiring.

I don't think of woman has objects and I know you can't control if someone finds you physically attractive or what not it's just I want the friendship still. I still value someone has a person. I do over think things but it's because when I like someone I hate that I feel like my only options are either do nothing or try and than got to advoid in a attempt to not make things more akward for them. I am scared to open up because I fell like no matter what I do I am going to come of to needy and I don't want to do something that either ruined my chance of a relationship or a friendship. I fell like I am good at scaring woman I like away. So than it makes me scared to try because it's like why bother opening up when I am just going to screw things up anyway?

The girl I like right now I am trying to just act normal around her and not asking to hang but it's hard. I really wish the girl before this things didn't go so bad even though yes the situation is way different and so it's probably more in my head.

Work is like 95% of my anxiety comes from that and you spend more time at work than anything else in your life so maybe not inspiring for you but would be great for me. Work is just boring and fells like a waste of time.

Yeah. All too often, people think they are supposed to fit some stereotype in order to be happy and nothing could be further from the truth. Some people probably shouldn't be in a "typical" relationship and if you think you need that in order to be happy, you're probably wrong. How many times have people thought "If only....", then "when only" happens, they figure out they still aren't happy.

Figure out what works for you. Take care of yourself. Be friendly. Get professional help if necessary. Don't assume what appears to make others happy is going to work for you.

I would like to be in a relationship but the biggest thing for me is just not having a job I hate with my soul. You spend like 40 hours a week at work for like 40 years or so and so that is very draining when you hate the place. I am never going to have like my dream job but there is a big difference between hating work vs being so so vs loving it. I just want the so so job.

 

[InCali]

I don't think of woman has objects and I know you can't control if someone finds you physically attractive or what not it's just I want the friendship still. I still value someone has a person. I do over think things but it's because when I like someone I hate that I feel like my only options are either do nothing or try and than got to advoid in a attempt to not make things more akward for them. I am scared to open up because I fell like no matter what I do I am going to come of to needy and I don't want to do something that either ruined my chance of a relationship or a friendship. I fell like I am good at scaring woman I like away. So than it makes me scared to try because it's like why bother opening up when I am just going to screw things up anyway?

The girl I like right now I am trying to just act normal around her and not asking to hang but it's hard. I really wish the girl before this things didn't go so bad even though yes the situation is way different and so it's probably more in my head.

Work is like 95% of my anxiety comes from that and you spend more time at work than anything else in your life so maybe not inspiring for you but would be great for me. Work is just boring and fells like a waste of time.



I would like to be in a relationship but the biggest thing for me is just not having a job I hate with my soul. You spend like 40 hours a week at work for like 40 years or so and so that is very draining when you hate the place. I am never going to have like my dream job but there is a big difference between hating work vs being so so vs loving it. I just want the so so job.

Look, please understand I'm just trying to be honest with you. When Kobe Bryant was injured, he didn't say "Hey, I want to play basketball now and I can't". He broke his rehab down into manageable chunks to get where he wanted to be. Fine, you hate your job. Join the multi-million people's club. What are you going to do about it? I can't answer that question for you, but think about what you want to do and what skills you might need to accomplish that goal. What are the basic skills you are going to need? The requirements to be an editor are different than those needed to be a carpenter. Plan, work, strive, and try to stay positive. Generally speaking, people don't like to hear complaints.

There are no guarantees that you will be successful, but I can promise you one thing. If you don't try, you won't succeed. If you want a different job, understand that people don't generally hire people who have a negative attitude. If you really want a dream job, try to assess what it would take to get it. Just because some things bother you more than others, don't assume they aren't related. If you show up for an interview and are in good physical condition, that's one factor in your favor. Take care of the small things and the rest becomes easier.

Don't focus on can't. Focus on what you can do and after you accomplish that, the other things may become reachable.

Stop focusing on what bothers you and start focusing on what you can do to help yourself. Get counseling whether it's psychological or career.

 

[Flash525]

I don't think of woman has objects and I know you can't control if someone finds you physically attractive or what not it's just I want the friendship still.

But that's simply not possible with some people. Why aren't you getting that? Your desire of wanting friendship shouldn't determine whether you get it from the people you want it from. That's not how it works.

Still value someone has a person. I do over think things but it's because when I like someone I hate that I feel like my only options are either do nothing or try and than got to advoid in a attempt to not make things more akward for them. I am scared to open up because I fell like no matter what I do I am going to come of to needy and I don't want to do something that either ruined my chance of a relationship or a friendship.

If you value people as individuals, then surely you'd respect their decisions? Just because someone doesn't want to befriend you, it doesn't mean that's your fault, it just means you're not compatible as friends.

Work is like 95% of my anxiety comes from that and you spend more time at work than anything else in your life so maybe not inspiring for you but would be great for me. Work is just boring and fells like a waste of time.

I would like to be in a relationship but the biggest thing for me is just not having a job I hate with my soul.

You spend like 40 hours a week at work for like 40 years or so and so that is very draining when you hate the place. I am never going to have like my dream job but there is a big difference between hating work vs being so so vs loving it. I just want the so so job.

From what you've shared, I'd say there is more of a balance between your dislike of your job and your upset at being out of a relationship.

A lot of people have jobs they dislike, find boring or hate. Sometimes I strongly dislike my job, but if I didn't have it, I'd be out on the streets begging for food and scraps. It's a means to an end, as is your job. Take note of what @InCali has said too. Wise advice there.

Do you think a relationship will make you happier if you stayed in your job? Alternatively, if you had a so-so job but were still single, would you be happier?

Those are two different questions. I'd like it if you could answer them both.

 

[spiderman2]

But that's simply not possible with some people. Why aren't you getting that? Your desire of wanting friendship shouldn't determine whether you get it from the people you want it from. That's not how it works.

If you value people as individuals, then surely you'd respect their decisions? Just because someone doesn't want to befriend you, it doesn't mean that's your fault, it just means you're not compatible as friends.

From what you've shared, I'd say there is more of a balance between your dislike of your job and your upset at being out of a relationship.

A lot of people have jobs they dislike, find boring or hate. Sometimes I strongly dislike my job, but if I didn't have it, I'd be out on the streets begging for food and scraps. It's a means to an end, as is your job. Take note of what @InCali has said too. Wise advice there.

Do you think a relationship will make you happier if you stayed in your job? Alternatively, if you had a so-so job but were still single, would you be happier?

Those are two different questions. I'd like it if you could answer them both.

The problem is I shouldn't have to pretend/ beary/surpress my fellings like woman want a guy to be able to do and not being able to be friends only makes me fell like I did something wrong like I should have handled things differently like it's my fault It's like if I like you and you don't fell the same way what was I supposed to have done not taken the change and just wonder like forever if you would be interested in me? It makes me fell like I just messed up by letting you know and why did I let you know if it's only going to cause me pain but at the same time not doing anything and not knowing would have caused me pain to. It's like I guess I should just not open up so that way they will not fell akward even if it kills me inside. But at the same time if I never open up how am I ever going to meet someone?

I think both of those situations would help me fell a little bit better but the new job would help way way more has the job and the idea of being in that situation for another 30+ years scares me and the single thing is only something I tend to obsessed over when put into a situation of likely someone and not being able to be friends and that is Something that is not going on 24/7 where working is a all the time type of thing.

 

[InCali]

The problem is I shouldn't have to pretend/ beary/surpress my fellings like woman want a guy to be able to do and not being able to be friends only makes me fell like I did something wrong like I should have handled things differently like it's my fault It's like if I like you and you don't fell the same way what was I supposed to have done not taken the change and just wonder like forever if you would be interested in me? It makes me fell like I just messed up by letting you know and why did I let you know if it's only going to cause me pain but at the same time not doing anything and not knowing would have caused me pain to. It's like I guess I should just not open up so that way they will not fell akward even if it kills me inside. But at the same time if I never open up how am I ever going to meet someone?

I think both of those situations would help me fell a little bit better but the new job would help way way more has the job and the idea of being in that situation for another 30+ years scares me and the single thing is only something I tend to obsessed over when put into a situation of likely someone and not being able to be friends and that is Something that is not going on 24/7 where working is a all the time type of thing.

You seem to still be ignoring the steps you can take and focusing on what you want and don't have; not how you might get there.

Oh well. Your choice.

 

[thangaran]

Some fantastic advice being given here and completely agree. This time has been hard on all of us but if you have the means and time — then plan, map out, break things down into digestible components, focus and execute and persist. There may certainly be failure along the way but also success and achieving that and finishing that goal or problem you’re trying to fix is simply phenomenal.

This will sound lame but I used to be massively overweight, sucked at cooking and taking general care of my body and kept putting myself down and had overly low self esteem.

I’ve overcome almost all of it. And by no means was it easy but i simply want to echo the wonderful advice already given here by others. Changes, improvements, overcoming challenges take immense work but with planning, focus, practice and pondering/reflecting one can do it. Break down the goals you have. That was the most important for me and for every step of the mountain you climb you might think holy crap there is so much more I have to climb, but look behind you as well and you will see how much you’ve achieved!

Merry Christmas to all of you!!

 

[Flash525]

The problem is I shouldn't have to pretend/ beary/surpress my fellings like woman want a guy to be able to do and not being able to be friends only makes me fell like I did something wrong like I should have handled things differently like it's my fault It's like if I like you and you don't fell the same way what was I supposed to have done not taken the change and just wonder like forever if you would be interested in me? It makes me fell like I just messed up by letting you know and why did I let you know if it's only going to cause me pain but at the same time not doing anything and not knowing would have caused me pain to. It's like I guess I should just not open up so that way they will not fell akward even if it kills me inside. But at the same time if I never open up how am I ever going to meet someone?

Dude, you are stressing out and overanalysing you're situation so bad here. Quit worrying about what other people think of you. If you're overanalysing why someone doesn't want to be friends with you, you'd be even worse as a friend. Just imagine if you sent a friend a message that they read but didn't immediately respond too. Would you end up thinking they suddenly hate you too? Please don't answer that as it was rhetorical.

What isn't rhetorical, and I'll tell you this straight; your obsession (and yes, it is an obsession) with befriending girls and telling people that your feelings get mixed when they don't return your friendship desires.

It's been said here before by myself and others. In order for you to enhance ... yourself, you must first better yourself and focus on yourself. That's your next big step.

Forget everyone else, forget how people think of you, forget how much you hate your job. We've presented you with the groundwork on what changes you need to make and how to make them. The next move is yours.

Make 2021 your year. Next time you post here, make it productive rather than whiney (sorry). You have the tools and you know you need to use them - so use them.

 

[Venom75]

I really hope that with the new year comes new hope,for everyone. 2020 has sucked for so many reasons,but as tough as it is,you gotta try and hope for better things in 2021. Because of the virus the gyms have been closed for most of the year and as a result I've let myself go. Eating junkfood is one of those vices that(at least for a time)makes me feel good. And if your physical health isn't great,then it won't help you mentally. So,I'm hoping to get back on track.

 

[Venom75]

So,not to get too personal here,but I still really miss a woman that I dated 15 years ago. I haven't seen her in 10 years and since then she's gotten married and seems happy. I made a sincere attempt last year to contact her,but she ignored it and obviously wants nothing to do with me. I've tried to move on several times,but I really feel like my heart has been broken. I feel so abnormal where this is concerned. Does anyone else still miss an ex this badly,even if it's been over a decade or more since you've seen them?

 

[Mandon Knight]

Aimed at the advice being described for those considering or recommended on here....counselling.

I appreciate its not for everyone and it's certainly NOT a 'one size fits all' solution but I heartedly recommend it for working through personal pain, angst, grief, however & whatever you feel eating away at you and however you wish to define it, counselling works, in my book.

I've had periods of it with different counselors since I was around 23, but really only in the last few years have found the one that I 'connected' with most deeply, earnestly and completely.

There is a LOT of work one must do for oneself when under-taking it, progression of mental health does not self-heal without it, but having a designated person to reflect with, root through and begin a new path with is worth it's weight in gold.

Everyone's reasons and journey for finding themselves in front of a counselor will be different and that discussion will vary too obviously, and you can go as deep or surface level as you like.

In the last 5-6 years, I've had too do a HUGE amount of self work, evaluation and identification of how I viewed my own self and journey and shift towards a place of happiness, but I have and counselling is a MASSIVE element of that so could not state it's benefits high enough.

Those considering it, happy to receive PM's on the process and chat through.

Jim X

 

[Flash525]

So,not to get too personal here,but I still really miss a woman that I dated 15 years ago. I haven't seen her in 10 years and since then she's gotten married and seems happy. I made a sincere attempt last year to contact her,but she ignored it and obviously wants nothing to do with me. I've tried to move on several times,but I really feel like my heart has been broken. I feel so abnormal where this is concerned. Does anyone else still miss an ex this badly,even if it's been over a decade or more since you've seen them?

I can't say I've been in your position, but you must've had something special if you're still thinking of her 15yrs on. Was the split amicable?

As for what you can do now; the simple solution would be to entertain yourself with other endeavours, get involved in projects, meet people, refocus your training (it's limiting, but there's stuff you can do without gym equipment).

It would see that she indeed wants nothing to do with you and is happy where she is, on that, you should feel happy for her and also realise that you need to find your own happiness.

 

[DarkKnight88]

So,not to get too personal here,but I still really miss a woman that I dated 15 years ago. I haven't seen her in 10 years and since then she's gotten married and seems happy. I made a sincere attempt last year to contact her,but she ignored it and obviously wants nothing to do with me. I've tried to move on several times,but I really feel like my heart has been broken. I feel so abnormal where this is concerned. Does anyone else still miss an ex this badly,even if it's been over a decade or more since you've seen them?

I've been in this situation before. What I can tell you is that it is completely normal to have these feelings with someone you truly loved and felt good about. But you must remember that you miss the woman from 15 years ago. She no longer exists. You don't know the woman now and had you got in contact, you might have found out that the two of you are completely different people. You may be more interested in capturing the feeling of what you were together then, and less who you both are now. Again you may miss the feeling, and less the actual person.

Remind yourself of that. It will open you up to others that you may not have given a chance to. They most likely won't capture that feeling you had from 15 years ago, but you may be surprised, once you truly open up and they to you, you'll have an entirely new feeling that will surpass the old one.

 

[Venom75]

I can't say I've been in your position, but you must've had something special if you're still thinking of her 15yrs on. Was the split amicable?

As for what you can do now; the simple solution would be to entertain yourself with other endeavours, get involved in projects, meet people, refocus your training (it's limiting, but there's stuff you can do without gym equipment).

It would see that she indeed wants nothing to do with you and is happy where she is, on that, you should feel happy for her and also realise that you need to find your own happiness.

Oh,boy. It's such a long story. I'll try and keep it short. Well,she was my first ever girlfriend...pretty much my first everything. I've never had any luck with girls before and after getting turned down time and time again,and with my depression emerging,I started retreating into myself and becoming more and more reclusive and isolated. I never thought I'd ever find anyone. And then she came along. As you can imagine,I fell hard. She made me feel wanted and loved for the first time ever. But eventually my depression and inexperience in relationships reared it's ugly head. She broke up with me after a year of being together. This was 2004-2005. Looking back on it I can't say I blame her. But for the next 5 years we hung out off and on. The few times she dated someone else,she removed me from her life,only to come back when she was single again. She would eventually admit to me that she hung out with me because she didn't want to be alone. She basically used me. It hurt on so many levels. And in a way,it broke my heart. I haven't been the same since. Believe me,I know I was an idiot,but like I've said,she made me feel so happy and I feel like from that moment on,she owned me. I think she knew she could treat me horribly and I 'd always still came back to her. Now,I don't know what happened because obviously she wasn't always like this,and I know that I messed up things alot. Trust me,I've told this story,in detail,to friends,co-workers and therapists and they've all told me the same thing; I have move on and meet new people;etc,etc. And I've tried to do that,but I still think about her all the time. Sometimes I do hate her,but sometimes I miss her so much it hurts. It's very frustrating.

 

[Venom75]

I've been in this situation before. What I can tell you is that it is completely normal to have these feelings with someone you truly loved and felt good about. But you must remember that you miss the woman from 15 years ago. She no longer exists. You don't know the woman now and had you got in contact, you might have found out that the two of you are completely different people. You may be more interested in capturing the feeling of what you were together then, and less who you both are now. Again you may miss the feeling, and less the actual person.

Remind yourself of that. It will open you up to others that you may not have given a chance to. They most likely won't capture that feeling you had from 15 years ago, but you may be surprised, once you truly open up and they to you, you'll have an entirely new feeling that will surpass the old one.

I'll agree with you on that. I often think that I miss the memories and the girl she used to be,not the person. Not anymore. And I remind myself of that often. But I can't understand why it's not getting into my head. One of my major shortcomings is that I often like to live in the past. I haven't been truly happy for a long time and I often retreat back to times that I felt happy. Not a healthy way to live,I know. trust me,my friend,I've heard it all from everyone and I know exactly what's wrong and why I can't let her go. But convincing my mind to move on seems like climbing Mt. Everest at this point.

 

[Venom75]

What's really funny too,is that she was a redhead and her initials were MJ. I kid you not. It was a Spidey fan's dream come true! lol

 

[GunBlade]

15 years? Wow

Thats admirable.... sticking your neck out like that even though she didn’t deserve it.