Superman79
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Chuck Norris had a contest with Lance Armstrong to see who had the most balls...Chuck won by 3...
The Official Chuck Norris Thread
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ElectroFlare
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When Chuck Norris plays chess, he moves the chess pieces by roundhouse kicking them. He always wins in one move. Anyone that tells him that is impossible is promptly roundhouse kicked in the face.
Chuck Norris has never lost in chess.
Chuck Norris has never lost in chess.
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Chuck Norris decided to to roundhouse Paris Hilton in the head, after doing so Chuck saw that she wasn't dead. So Chuck gave Paris 10 more roundhouse kicks to the head, two being the most anyone has ever taken from Chuck and lived. When Chuck saw that Paris was still alive this confused him.
Chuck came to the conclusion that any woman that could take his roundhouse kick and survive must be perfect material for breeding. He nailed Paris while fighting off Nick Carter, the entire backstreet boys, Brian Ulacher, the entire Chigaco bears defensive line, and an entire Hilton Hotel, while he worked out on his total gym. 5 months later (that's right 5, Chuck Norris' sperm doesn't need 9 to produce a full grown human being, not a baby!).
5 months later Chuck and Paris gave birth to their first son.....
Chuck came to the conclusion that any woman that could take his roundhouse kick and survive must be perfect material for breeding. He nailed Paris while fighting off Nick Carter, the entire backstreet boys, Brian Ulacher, the entire Chigaco bears defensive line, and an entire Hilton Hotel, while he worked out on his total gym. 5 months later (that's right 5, Chuck Norris' sperm doesn't need 9 to produce a full grown human being, not a baby!).
5 months later Chuck and Paris gave birth to their first son.....
wiegeabo
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Once, when auditioning for a role, the producers insisted that Chuck Norris take a drug test. Norris assured them that he was clean, yet they continued to insist. An hour later, out of anger, Chuck Norris had taken every drug known to man, peed in the cup, and still passed the test. He then roundhouse kicked the producers in the face for doubting the word of Chuck Norris.
Calendar Man
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Chuck Norris vs. Deathstroke. No weapons. Go!
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Chuck Norris can rape you just by thinking it!
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Calendar Man said:
Chuck Norris farts and blows Deathstroke to bits, then he laughs and has sex with Robin because he thinks that a girl wearing tights and a cape is cute.
wiegeabo
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Once, while shooting an episode of Walker, one of Chuck Norris' cast members constantly bragged that he had sex with a woman for 45 minutes. Tired of his boasting, and determined not to be outdone, Chuck Norris proceeded to have sex with 45 women in one minute.
The Comedian
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Here's a link to Tony Danza reading Chuck the Chuck Norris Facts on his show
http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=QP1PuB1R-Xw
http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=QP1PuB1R-Xw
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113. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
114. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
115. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
116. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
117. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
118. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
119. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
120. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
121. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
122. Chuck Norris once swallowed a Rubik's Cube. When it came out in the toilet it was solved.
123. Once Chuck Norris was sparring with Wolverine and lost a testicle. You may know it now by its technical name, Jupiter.
124. Chuck Norris invented a language that uses kicks and punches. So if he kicks your ass, don't take it personally. He may just be trying to say that he likes your hat.
125. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
126. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
127. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
128. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
129. Chuck Norris only *********es to pictures of Chuck Norris.
130. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
131. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
132. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
133. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
134. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
135. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
136. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
137. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
138. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
139. As a child Chuck Norris used to go into the sewers of NY and hunt alligators. I know what you are thinking: “There are no alligators in the sewers of NY.” Yeah... Now!
140. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, saying Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
141. Chuck Norris has created a laxative. The box contains only a picture of him with his arms crossed and a mean scowl but that image alone can make a person **** themselves.
142. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
143. Chuck Norris can walk on water. He can also walk on fire. His preference however, is to walk on babies.
144. Chuck Norris once kicked his way back to the 80's just to kill Richard Simmonds.
145. The last man who made eye contact with Chuck Norris was Ray Charles.
146. 23. That's the number of people Chuck Norris has killed in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
147. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
148. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
149. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
150. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.
151. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
152. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.
153. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
154. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
155. Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
156. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
157. Chuck Norris' truth IS marching on.
158. Chuck Norris actually has the eye of the tiger.
159. 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick
114. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
115. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
116. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
117. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
118. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
119. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
120. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
121. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
122. Chuck Norris once swallowed a Rubik's Cube. When it came out in the toilet it was solved.
123. Once Chuck Norris was sparring with Wolverine and lost a testicle. You may know it now by its technical name, Jupiter.
124. Chuck Norris invented a language that uses kicks and punches. So if he kicks your ass, don't take it personally. He may just be trying to say that he likes your hat.
125. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
126. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
127. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
128. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
129. Chuck Norris only *********es to pictures of Chuck Norris.
130. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
131. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
132. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
133. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
134. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
135. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
136. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
137. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
138. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
139. As a child Chuck Norris used to go into the sewers of NY and hunt alligators. I know what you are thinking: “There are no alligators in the sewers of NY.” Yeah... Now!
140. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, saying Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
141. Chuck Norris has created a laxative. The box contains only a picture of him with his arms crossed and a mean scowl but that image alone can make a person **** themselves.
142. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
143. Chuck Norris can walk on water. He can also walk on fire. His preference however, is to walk on babies.
144. Chuck Norris once kicked his way back to the 80's just to kill Richard Simmonds.
145. The last man who made eye contact with Chuck Norris was Ray Charles.
146. 23. That's the number of people Chuck Norris has killed in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
147. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
148. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
149. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
150. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.
151. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
152. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.
153. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
154. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
155. Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
156. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
157. Chuck Norris' truth IS marching on.
158. Chuck Norris actually has the eye of the tiger.
159. 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick
DOG LIPS
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I love this thread. 
Scientists have attempted to calculate the statistical possibilty of anyone beating Chuck Norris. The sheer impossibility of this task has caused many of the scientists to develop symptoms of severe foot-shaped bruising to the face.
Scientists have attempted to calculate the statistical possibilty of anyone beating Chuck Norris. The sheer impossibility of this task has caused many of the scientists to develop symptoms of severe foot-shaped bruising to the face.
wiegeabo
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The list is great. There's a couple of repeats, and a couple that didn't get numbered. But it's turning into a nice long list.
Chuck Norris has never had a message left on his answering machine. When people hear the phrase "Hello, you've reached the home of Chuck Norris. I'm not in right now," their heads explode in anguish for not getting to talk to him.
Chuck Norris has never had a message left on his answering machine. When people hear the phrase "Hello, you've reached the home of Chuck Norris. I'm not in right now," their heads explode in anguish for not getting to talk to him.
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Chuck Norris can give you any disease or sickness by saying you have it. The most famous one is telling Haley Joel Osment he had AIDS.
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DOG LIPS said:I don't know if it's because I'm really tired, but I've been laughing at some of these facts for like 5 minutes straight.
This is one of the best threads yet
People that are down on the Chuck Norris quotes just because they originated as Vin Diesel quotes just don't get the hilairty of them being Chuck Norris ones instead 
Chuck Norris heard that Vin Diesel had quotes of his own and claimed they were better than any of the ones about Chuck. When Chuck Norris heard this, he payed Vin Diesel a visit. Chuck Norris now powers his car by pissing what's left of Diesel into it.
wiegeabo
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In the 1980's, the Soviet Union tried to clone Chuck Norris so they would have one to use for their own purposes. Unfortunately for the scientists, they underestimated the power contained in that single strand of beard hair, resulting in a devistating explosion. Fearful of Chuck's vengence should he learn what they attempted, the Soviet officials claimed that Chernobyl was a nuclear accident.
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