'll start off by saying this; Michael Bay sucks majorly. He's a guitaricon.
So, a few days back...I went to watch the Transformers movie finally, with my woman. It had been a few days since release and the theatre was slightly full. So I sat back, and eagerly anticipated some kick ash Transformers action.
Did I receive that? Hell no.
After a dismal 144 minutes, I left the cinema confused. I didn't know what to think. I felt like my eyes had been raped. This review which shall be done, might have a biased view...hell, because I am a TF fan. Ever since I received my first Transformer when I was like, four. It was a helicopter, green and pink. It fricking ruled. But, let's concentrate on the movie. If you haven't seen it, spoilers are ahead. You're not really missing much.
Shia Lebeouf and transforming things was an awful movie. Oh, wait...I meant the Transformers movie. Where did it all go wrong for the movie? Well, we began with two dimensional sitcom people being everywhere. This was a proper concern after watching it, realising that this movie focused more on Shia wanting to get laid, than the actual Transformers themselves. Sure, some parts were mildly funny...but I don't wanna watch that, I'm here to see Autobots.
Basically, Shia is the key to finding the Allspark. His grandfather's (Whitwick-whatever) glasses have the ever important locations to finding the Allspark. It's imprinted onto his glasses. How did that happen? Well, he came across Megatron...and some stuff happened. But more to the point, the Autobots need to discover the whereabouts of the Allspark before it falls into the wrong hands.
(The Allspark has the ability to manipulate anything, giving it the ability to transform. So the Decepticons could build an army, which ain't a very pleasing thought).
They discover that Shia has the glasses via eBay. So what do they have to do? Track down Sam (Shia) and retrieve the glasses from him. If they can get the glasses and find out where this precious item is, before the Decepticons, then they're sorted. So what do we get? A whole hour of damn time wasting. Bumblebee assists in attempting to get Sam laid, instead of retrieving the glasses straight away. This could've sold a lot of problems beforehand, but we don't just have that one solution. Yeah, Autobots
take a close look at the eBay picture. Hang on one damn minute, they can view the coordinates of the glasses from the eBay picture. Sure, the image might be low-res
but they could easily sort that problem out.
So far, we've received one Decepticon attack, one reveal of the Autobots and we've gone through at least an hour. Oh, I forgot to mention that there was this tiny Decepticon who was messing around, but who really cares? It sucks. You see the problem with what I've watched so far, and the misleading title of the movie? It is Transformers, isn't it?
We finally get to see the Autobots in all their glory. Prime, Jazz, Ironhide, Bumblebee and Ratchet. They look pretty cool, and I will admit, seeing Prime like that was most definitely amazing. After the Autobots describe themselves, chaos ensues. We have the FBI and everything involved, and we finally come across some more Decepticons.
Thing is, we have all these problems about getting those spectacles, that we then find out where the Allspark is hidden. Oh, in a top secret government building. We find out that, by some other means. The threat of the Decepticons is too much to bear, so they finally give in and reveal they're holding the Allspark and Megatron in some top secret base. Wait a god damn minute here, you mean we're negating the fact the Autobots even needed those glasses?
Dumb.
Just in case you don't know, it's never wise to freeze something that large and terrifying and just expect it to be alright. That's just daft. So obviously, Megatron is finally free. That's ridiculous, Megatron the LEADER of the Decepticons, only shows until the last quarter. What the hell is that all about?
Oh wait, I also see Starscream there! Awesome, I love Starscream.
Wait, this isn't Starscream
is it? I see no confrontation between him and Megatron. Did Michael Bay ever witness that in the G1 series
oh, and every other TF series? Do I even manage to see the Decepticons all coming together? Nope.
The huge battle of good versus evil then begins. Well, the fight for the Allspark does. They begin to fight each other in such a populated city; deaths are obviously going to rise. Sorry Prime, you like humans you say now? Well, whoever has written you; whilst you were out fighting Megatron you probably killed a gazillion humans. You see, you're supposed to get hyped up for the final major fight. You've got humans and Autobots versus the evil Decepticons. Pretty awesome, right?
Not really, no. Due to the fact you can't examine what the **** is going on properly. Everyone congratulates the CGI in this film. Don't get me wrong, it looked spiffy
but what good is it looking spiffy, if you can't tell what the hell is going on? The fights aren't choreographed properly, these fights are random, and confusing. Thing is, why don't they say a few cheeky taunts while they fight? Well, that's because Michael Bay decides that each of these Transformers are completely devoid of ANY personality whatsoever. Hell, I see more personality in freakin' ants.
Megatron is indeed an evil, evil Decepticon. So evil, he rips Jazz in two. Yeah, he's killed the black funky Transformer. Now, this part of the movie probably bothered me the most. Well, apart from the ending
but I'll get to that later. Optimus Prime shrugs off the fact Jazz is dead. Who the hell is writing this script? He shrugs off the fact a friend of 10,000 years has just been ripped in half by his arch-nemesis. Is the writer guitared, or something? You don't just shrug off a mate's death like that especially when you come up with a cheesy line a lot later for his death.
So, we've almost finished the brawl with Sam holding the Allspark. He's crapping himself, Megatron is coming for him. Prime is there to help though, as he does so. A huge fight begins with them two, and I seriously don't understand what is going on. Perhaps slowing down the frames a little?
Megatron is about to access the cube, when Sam pushes the Allspark into Megatron's body. Wahey, you've destroyed Megatron! Go Sam! You awesome Transfor
erm, human.
Okay dokay.
You've fought against the Autobots for thousands of years, only to be destroyed by a teenager that really wants gets laid by Megan Fox. Megatron, maybe you're not so cool after all.
:[
The Autobots gather around Sam, as Prime holds Jazz and he really spews out a lame line.
'We may have lost one comrade, but we've gained another.'
You've only known Sam the human being for about a day. Jazz? Your entire freakin' life. Prime, you suck.
Finally, humans apparently feel comfortable with the presence of Autobots
so everything is alright. The Decepticons have been destroyed, and parts of Megatron have been chucked into the sea. We end off the movie with Sam getting it on with Megan Fox (off-screen) and Starscream flying off into the skies.
What the hell have I just watched? Michael Bay has easily ruined something so simple. The concept of Transformers is great. You've got lifelong enemies pitted against each other. You've got great characters and storytelling all in the Transformers cartoons
so how do you make an abysmal movie like this? We have an hour of wasted time, perhaps another hour of just humans and twenty minutes of Transformers. I didn't know someone could really screw up an idea like that, but Michael Bay does so easily. As for the incompetent writers? Ugh. Don't get me started on them.
So, I definitely won't be buying this DVD and I'd probably demand my money back from Michael Bay. Don't waste your time with this movie.