Question. How do you pull off the perfect crime?
That has been an answer I've devoted years of my life to solving. Oh, and don't think I haven't
tried. Indeed, many nights and many times have I been working around the preverbial clock in order to achieve only the greatest conundrum that would render the morbid and mundane citizens of Gotham City stumped upon their heels. Ever since I was a boy, I lived to captivate those of a weaker mind. It was my thrill... perhaps even, as I would slowly learn, an unhealthy obsession. You see, I didn't just create puzzles. I... lived them.
Take just last year, for example. I had quite the chesspiece in place for 'Gotham's board of imbeciles', as I often referred to them within my subconcious. You see, for years, I had been wanting to give up my life of crime and settle down as a professor at Gotham University, because I assumed that if I could not outsmart society, I would educate them. It was a sort of double standard, now that I think about it, but I was in a much unhappier place at the time. Infact...
"ANSWER THE QUESTION, DAMN YOU!"
You could say I was steaming, to a point.
As I yelled that, a bomb was being held infront of the face of Gotham University's dean of admissions. He, of course, was quivering in fright as I made my insane demands. They had rejected my application as both a math and philosophy teacher within the establishment, so my natural reaction was to... well... kill them until I made myself feel better. You see, unlike alot of psychotic minds, it takes very little to really make me want to murder someone. I prefer the thrill of a mindgame, and the challenge of a worthy opponent. But as I kept holding the bomb, fixating on it's every tick, I soon realized that the dean would not be that worthy opponent I was looking for.
"P... Please!", He pleaded, as my men ransacked the office's charity intake. "Those are funds for the children of Gotham! You can't take them!"
I sneered at him, with a growl.
"The... children... of Gotham? You might aswell be giving glasses to blind mice!", I screamed into his face.
"Really, children have no use for your money. If they were more willing to learn rather than bury their heads into hard rock music and action movies, perhaps I'd be more persuaded. But, alas, that is not the society Gotham City creates, is it?"
From his expression, seemed stumped. And above all, the one thing in this world that I absolutely despised... was that look. That look as if you've spoken complete gibberish infront of them, and they haven't a clue as to how to react. They acted as if I was some sort of... of... nutjob! And the sad part was, I hadn't even asked the riddle again...
"No, I don't think they'll be needing your greedy little funds, you sniveling worm.", I hatefully continued.
"The people who need money are the people who deserve it most. Those of the higher intellect. The brains of this world. The ones that will rule you all, once a proper method has been found!"
I smirked, turning back to him in the midst of my little rant. I tended to do that alot in those days, I found.
"But, I'm getting beside myself. The fact-of-the-matter is, you're going to either walk out of here in one piece, or in pieces, if you don't answer my little riddle. Denying me was your worst mistake yet.", I continued.
"Now, to repeat myself... when does a hippopotamus cross a railroad track?"
The dean tried as he might to answer. I had to hand it to him - he at least seemed interested enough to try and save his own skin. But by that time, I wasn't waiting on him anymore. No, I knew what would come, as it always did, to foil my little schemes and outmatch my questionaires. He always did, and in some ways, I loved it. Having the perfect enemy to fight against on a constant basis was almost as if the high of an addiction that something like drugs would give you. Mine just happened to be conundrums. But you see, I had taken too long with my bomb threats and my ranting, giving him enough time to crash through one of the windows and beat the living hell out of my crew while I tried to make off with the loot.
As you can probably tell, this was something of a standard practice for me.
The clock struck midnight, and I knew he would come soon. All I had to do was wait, and if he didn't come, he would be admitting defeat. Like I always did, I left a riddle for the police to explictly tell them where I was going to be and what I was going to do, on that particular crime. One would call that idiocy. I would call that craft, putting me ahead of the so-called 'normal' citizens of Gotham. The Riddler would once again stump the GCPD, but The Batman, I was skeptical of. Underneath that cowl lied a brain of which even I couldn't comprehend, it was so brilliant. And I wanted to confirm that.
But... he didn't come.
I stayed for minutes. Minutes upon minutes. Close to an hour, infact, roaming the halls of the vacant campus, as the money was loaded into a question-mark adorned truck outside. Where was he? It was so bizzaire. He usually made some grand entrance by now, if not one of his associates, in order to taunt me as he rescued the hostages I would have trapped and simultaneously guessed my question in one fowl swoop. But tonight... tonight, he just wasn't there.
"Where does a Batman hide when he can't admit defeat!", I called out into every shadow.
I repeated this in every corner. Every dark space within the whole grounds. He had to be there, just watching... probably laughing at how big of a fool I looked, looking for my own tormentor. But he, and everyone else, never understood. It wasn't that Batman was just my enemy. He was my partner. The one person I could count on to shout back a riddle's answer, whereas everyone else would be stumped. If no one guesses the answer, what's the point? You might aswell be talking to yourself for all eternity.
Finally, I headed back into the dean's office, where my two female partners, Echo and Query, were resuming where I left off with the bomb. I had reset the thing, every five minutes, due to Batman's seeming inability to arrive. Surely, I couldn't have stumped him. The clue was so obvious. It was the crime that would give him the real challenge. Because you see... this wasn't the only bomb I had planted in Gotham City. No, I was going to blow up the entire city if I didn't get my professor's contract by dawn. That was just how desperate I was to embark on my role of educator. Looking back at it all, it almost seems insane.
Well, it
is insane. But you get my point.
"I don't understand...", I said to myself, pacing about the room.
"He's never missed one of my grand acts. I'd have to leave the city just to get out of the way of his ever scrutinous eye... but this? This just isn't fathomable. Where is he? Where is he?"
Echo and Query watched me, almost concerned.
"Why so glum,", Querey began.
"Chum?", Echo finished.
You see, like me, they had their very own fabrications. Perhaps that was why I was drawn to them. Not to mention their rather... obvious delicacies, figureatively speaking.
"Oh, it's nothing at all, girls,", I sarcastically replied.
"It's just the fact that we've been here for one, measily hour, AND HE STILL HASN'T ARRIVED!"
Echo and Query looked at eachother, confused.
"But Eddie, why in God's name would you," "Want him to arrive on cue?"
I threw my hands in the air, frustrated. Good god, it was like talking to a pair of tape recorders. But in truth, they were the least of my concerns. All I was concerned with, at the time, was Batman. And dammit, Batman wasn't here! Where could he possibly be? And don't tell me The Joker could have been causing some mayhem at the time... after that stunt with the GCPD and posing as their Commissioner, there was no way that idiotic clown could possibly top himself, was there?
Finally, I propped myself down, trying to decide what to do. I could always just leave, but where would be the sport? For all I know, Batman could have been with the rest of his little Justice Leaguers on another planet at this moment. And I was not about to settle for a default win. No, he had to do the work. He had to make my efforts worth it. He always did, and always would. It's not as if someone had finally pegged the bastar-
"We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special breaking bulletin."
I turned, intrguied at two things. One - why the hell a radio had been on this entire time, and two, what exactly this special bulletin was. Usually, nothing in this town happened without the Caped Crusader in question being directly or indirectly involved. Who knew? Maybe that broadcast would finally answer the biggest riddle of the night... where he was, and why he wasn't answering my call.
Turning up the radio as loud as I could, I propped my cane over the table, and listened intently.
"Following the emergency beacon issued by the Mayor just last night, citizens of Gotham are being told to resume their day-to-day activities within the city's plaza, admist multiple clean-up crews. While a body count for the extra-terrestial based attack is still unknown, one notable victim of this attack has been confirmed by authorities this morning. After bringing in the criminal known as The Joker, the Clown Prince of Crime has admitted to his latest victim: That of his greatest enemy, the vigilante known as T... h...e... B... a... t... m...... a...... n....."
With those last words, time suddenly slowed down. I simply stood there, and stared, wondering if what I had just heard was nothing more than an illusion. A bluff. Something of which they had reported in some grand scheme to catch a criminal that was lurking to where even he couldn't find them. At that point, I was ready to believe anything. Except... that. Except the truth.
Batman. He... he was gone. Taken, just past or between in his prime.
Question. When do you weep for the fall of your enemy? Answer - When the world stops making sense.
And by god, was that ever true in that moment.
