BATMAN SUCKS FOREVER
An Original Screenplay
by
Greg Wyshynski, Michael Moyer, and Andrew Stanger
Summer 1997
INT. BATCAVE
Deep within the batcave, BATMAN and ROBIN are suiting up, including pulling their socks up, tying their shoelaces, zipping their pants, and buckling their belts. The BATMOBILE rises through a hole in the floor, and Batman steps in.
ROBIN
Why can't I have a car? Chicks dig the car.
BATMAN
This is why Superman works alone.
EXT. SKY ABOVE METROPOLIS - DAY
Cut to a shot of SUPERMAN, flying through the sky above a sprawling Metropolis.
SUPERMAN
I'm the Man of Steel!
A smaller figure, his sidekick, leaps into the scene.
ALUMINUM BOY
And I'm the Boy of Aluminum!
INT. BATCAVE
ROBIN
Don't wait up for us, Al.
ALFRED
(slurred)
If I'm lucky, I'll be out before ten...
He takes a long swig from a wine bottle.
ALFRED (CON'T)
...you arrogant twit.
The Batmobile speeds towards a crime scene.
EXT. A DESERTED ALLEY IN GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT
Two THUGS are walking down a poorly lit alley, carrying bags of money. They are shocked to see Batman and Robin approach from the shadows. Before the criminals can react, Batman grabs one by the throat and pushes him up against the wall.
1st Thug
(scared)
What are you?
Batman
I'm Batman.
Robin
And I'm...
A gunshot rings out and Robin, hit in the head, abruptly stops his introduction, falling out of view. The 2nd thug looks quite satisfied with himself as he holsters his weapon. He turns around but only sees his unconscious partner. Batman is nowhere to be found. He panics momentarily before he is attacked from behind by Batman and quickly rendered unconscious.
Batman walks over to Robin and pulls a vial from his utility belt, clearly labeled "BAT HEAD HEALER." He pulls out the cork, throws away the vial, and plugs the hole in Robin's head. Robin wakes up and gets to his feet.
Robin
Holy hole in my head, Batman.
(pause)
Look!
Batman walks over to the 1st Thug, who is lying unconscious. A folded black note with a green question mark emblem is clutched in his hand. Batman takes the note.
Batman
The Riddler! He must be up to his old tricks again. This note must be a vital clue which will tell us of his diabolical plans. Another of his unsolvable riddles.
Robin
What does it say?
Batman opens the note.
Batman
It says, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
INT. BATCAVE
Inside the Batcave, Robin lies on a table surrounded by medical instruments. Batman hovers over him wielding forceps, trying to repair the damage to his head. Alfred walks in from off camera.
Alfred
Commissioner Gordon called while you were away sir. He wants you to go get me more liquor.
Batman
No...I don't think so.
Alfred picks up the bat-phone.
Alfred
Yes he did. He called on this right here and said...
He passes out.
Batman
You were lucky tonight, Dick. You could have gotten yourself killed. You can't take chances like that.
Robin
Just fix my head, okay? If I wanted a lecture, I would have stayed home with my parents.
Batman
Dick, your parents are dead.
Robin
Just fix the damn hole!
Batman
There, it's done. Stand up.
Robin gets up off the table. The hole in his head is covered with a Band-Aid. He touches the healing wound.
Batman
You should be fine. Just be careful. You suffered a massive head trauma and might be prone to sudden blackouts.
Robin
Blackouts? How often?
Suddenly Robin lets out a yelp. His hand covers his head where the wound is, and he falls to the floor, unconscious. Batman shakes his head, kneels down, and helps Robin up.
Batman
Just be careful.
Batman and Robin walk over to the bat-computer. Batman looks down at the Riddler's note, which is lying on a table. He picks it up and looks at it.
Batman
"Why did the chicken cross the road?" What does it all mean, Robin?
Robin
To get to the other side.
Batman
That's JUST what the Riddler wants us to think!
Robin
Let's see...Chicken...chickens have feathers. Feathers can tickle. When someone tickles you, you laugh...
Batman
That's it, Robin! Laugh! That fiendish clown the Joker must be up to something! What else do chickens have?
Robin
Chickens have beaks...
Batman
Not if you break them off.
Robin
Gee, Batman, you're right! Well, let's see. Chickens are birds...
Batman
Of course! Bird! Penguins are birds! The Penguin must be involved!
Robin
Penguins live in cold weather, it's a wonder they don't freeze.
Batman
Yes! Mr. Freeze is in on their little game as well!
Robin
But who else? "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Road...
Batman
You may be on to something, Robin. Perhaps the Riddler is playing a little word game. If we take the word "road" and remove the letters r, a, and d, and then add the letters p, i, s, o, n, space, i, v and y, we get the name of the insidious femme fatale, Poison Ivy!
Robin
Woah. What about some of the other words in the riddle? Cross...churches have crosses.
Batman
No, Robin. In the riddle, "cross" is used as verb, as in "to cross one's path," like a black cat.
Robin
Cat? Could Catwoman be involved too?
Batman
Good thinking, Boy Wonder! But I get the feeling that we're overlooking someone...
Alfred wakes up momentarily and tries to focus on the Dynamic Duo.
Alfred
Look at all the faces! One face, two face, three...
Batman
That's it! Two-Face. He would never miss out on such a meeting of the criminal minds.
Robin
Riddler, Joker, Penguin, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, Catwoman, and Two-Face. Holy unholy horde, Batman! That's quite a lineup!
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
Robin, we can't rush into any situation unprepared. I'll call up the files we have on each of the villains involved. Turn on the bat-computer.
Robin flips a switch on the computer, which hums up and declares, "You've got mail." Batman starts opening the files.
Batman
The Joker. Jack Napier. An underling in a huge crime family headed by Boss Grissom. We had a confrontation in the Axis Chemical Plant and he accidentally fell into a vat of green goo.
Robin
On purpose accidentally or accidentally?
Batman
A vat of green goo isn't my style. Dropping a man off the top of a cathedral, that's my cup of tea. Anyway, he fell into the vat of green goo. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal killer clown.
Robin
From outer space.
Batman
Uh, no.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
THE JOKER walks around his secret hideout nervously, awaiting the arrival of his guests. He is periodically checking on snacks, drinks, etc.
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
Harvey Dent. A district attorney, and member of the NAACP, he was trying the case of a big time mobster when he was splashed in the face with acid.
Robin
NAACP? But Two-Face is white.
Batman
Right, and that acid disfigured half his face. Then he tumbled out a window into a vat of tooth whitener. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal two-faced terror.
Robin
And...
Batman
And what?
Robin
And he murdered my trapeze artist family in cold blood during a circus performance, forcing me to team up with you and become the Dynamic Duo.
Batman
Oh yeah, that's right!
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it, and TWO-FACE enters the hideout.
Two-Face
We're glad to see you.
Joker
Well hello and hello!
Two-Face
What's on the menu this evening?
Joker
(to his right side)
Well for you, there's sparkling champagne, yummy poached salmon with little itty bitty quail eggs, and a creamy, dreamy lemon souffle.
(to his left side)
And for you, there's a charred heart of black boar, a side of raw donkey meat, and a sterno and grain alcohol, straight up. Or if you just want to snack, there's Chex mix and wine coolers over there.
Two-Face
Joker, you're the Martha Stewart of crime.
Joker
Oh, I do what I can.
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
Poison Ivy. She used to be Pamela Isley, a botanist from South America.
Robin
Why did she go to South America to study batons?
Batman
A botanist studies plants, Dick. Anyway, she was attempting to create a hybrid of a snake and a flower.
Robin
WHAT!? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Yeah, a man-eating plant! Right! Yeah, and let's make it sing too! A singing man-eating plant! I'm sure everyone would be into THAT, right?
Batman
So she's just strolling along and she slips and falls into a vat of venom and chlorophyll. Somehow she survived...but she was changed. Into a maniacal plant woman.
Robin
But WHAT a woman! Va-va-va-VOOM!
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it, and POISON IVY steps in.
Poison Ivy
Am I late?
Joker
Are you...c'mon on in here you little sapling! Listen, I didn't know what you like to eat, ya know, whether you're a vegetarian or whether you just eat meat.
Poison Ivy
I don't eat either really, mostly just candy.
Joker
Oh great! Well, there's butter scotch suckers in the dish on the endtable and I'll bring out my famous Rice-Krispie treats ala Joker in a bit.
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
Mr. Freeze. Formerly Victor Fries.
Robin
It say "fries" on the screen.
Batman
It's pronounced "Freeze."
Robin
Yeah, OK, so after this, let's get some burgers and "freeze."
Batman
Fries was a cryogenist who...
Robin
Fell into a vat of cryogenic fluid?
Batman
No. He fell into a vat of ice cubes.
Robin
And he didn't just die of hypothermia?
Batman
Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal master of frozen doom.
Robin
Just like Ben and Jerry.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it to reveal MR. FREEZE. Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake" is heard playing in the background.
Joker
Hey! It's the coolest guy I know!
Freeze
(in a heavy Austrian accent)
Ice to see you. Cool place you have here.
Joker puts his arm around Mr. Freeze.
Joker
Yeah, yeah. Now there's Chex party mix and wine coolers over there and if you need to stand inside the refrigerator for a while, just move the Sunny Delight over to the second shelf, okay?
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
The Riddler. Edward Nygma. A computer programmer who, while trying to discover if his favorite Chinese restaurant used MSG, fell into a vat of fortune cookies. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal maniac.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
Riddler
Knock, knock!
Joker
Who's there?
Riddler
Orange.
Joker
Orange who?
The RIDDLER bursts in through the door.
Riddler
Orange you glad I remembered to bring Pictionary?
Joker
Hey, who isn't? How've you been?
Riddler
Well, I'm still in the middle of that copyright infringement suit against the Puzzler, but other than that I'm smmmmmmokin'!
Joker
Yeah, okay, anyway, there's Chex Mix and wine coolers and, uh, try not to mention Mr. Freeze's comatose wife--he's a little touchy about that for some reason.
Riddler
Allllllrighty then!
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
The Penguin. Oswald Cobblepot. He was born a freak flipper baby to rich parents during the War of the Roses. His mama threw him from a train, right into a vat of live penguins.
Robin
A vat of live penguins?
Batman
Yes. Evidently, traveling circuses used to keep their animals in vats to save on accommodation costs. Anyway, he fell into the vat of penguins. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal killer birdman.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
There is a knock at the door. It swings open and PENGUIN walks through it squawking...and right past Joker.
Joker
Hi there...Pen...guin...
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
Catwoman. Selina Kyle. A secretary who suffered a horrible paper cut and fell out a window right into a vat of cats.
Robin
Circus cats?
Batman
No, just regular old alley cats that enjoyed living in a vat. Anyway, she fell into the vat of cats. Somehow she survived...but she was changed. Into a maniacal feline felon.
Robin
A whiskered warrior! A perpetrating *****! A...
Batman
Shut up Dick.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it and CATWOMAN steps through. She looks around.
Catwoman
Hi, Joker.
Joker
Did you find the place okay?
Catwoman
Surprisingly well for a secret hideout.
Joker
Well, everybody's in the back, there's Chex Mix and wine coolers. Just don't touch the stereo, okay?
Catwoman
Great, but where's the litter box? It was a long trip.
Joker
Second door on the left.
(to the back of the room)
Hey, who's up for Jenga?
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