Things Batman Would Never Say

Discussion in 'Batman World' started by That-Guy, Sep 17, 2004.

  1. That-Guy

    That-Guy Registered

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    There was a thread like this in the DC message boards a long time ago that was hilarious. I hate to rip off someone else's idea, but it was too funny not to have on this board. Here are some things Batman and his related characters would (hopefully) never say:

    Batman: I'm gonna go dive in a Poison Ivy bush.

    Robin: Why the hell has it taken me 14 years to go through puberty?!!!

    Alfred: Say Master Bruce, did you catch "Newlyweds" last night?

    Jim Gordon: I'm taking the day off tomorrow because I'm having a colonoscopy.

    Nightwing: I miss my old Robin costume.

    Spoiler: Just f**king kill me already!!!!! Stop hinting at it and just do it!!!!

    Jason Todd: Yep, I'm still dead.

    Leslie Tompkins: For the last time, I'm not Aunt May!!!


    Others?
     
  2. That-Guy

    That-Guy Registered

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    By the way... in case you were confused, the above post is not a conversation between the characters.
     
  3. zer00

    zer00 Registered

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    Jason Todd: Yep, I'm still dead.

    HAHAHAHAHA!!
     
  4. Batman

    Batman Dramatic Example

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    Joker:I'll never laugh again.

    Riddler:Riddle me this...Riddle me that...Whos afraid of the Big Black Bat?(wait a mintue..)

    Batman:Im glad my parents are dead.

    Alfred: (after being asked whats for dinner)PB&J B****ES!!!

    Mr.Freeze:Is it cold in here,or is it just me?

    Man-Bat:we "Man-Bats" have suceeded in the form of poetry and literature.

    Bane:GRRR.....MONKEY WORK!!!!(wait a minute.....)
     
  5. Cloud Strife

    Cloud Strife Guest

    Batman : Got a damn jock itch , Alfred can you give me a hand.
     
  6. zer00

    zer00 Registered

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    Batman: I'm sorry Dick...but we can't go out anymore...

    Dick: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
     
  7. BRUTAL

    BRUTAL Registered

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    NEVER SAID, BUT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN:

    *Batman after seeing Robin's costume for the first time*

    "Are you dead f***ing serious with that costume?!"
     
  8. JokerFish

    JokerFish Registered

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    Batman:Here robin slide down my batpole
     
  9. P. Cushing

    P. Cushing Registered

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    Batman: O-TAY!

    Alfred: Master Bruce, your costume needs more cowbell.

    Robin: I wanna car! Chicks dig the car!
     
  10. JokerFish

    JokerFish Registered

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    Penguin: Whats a bird?

    Riddler: I cant figure out how to program this damn VCR!!
     
  11. InsayneJayne

    InsayneJayne Registered

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    Alfred: "Yo Mista Wayne..that batsuit is TIGHT!"
     
  12. Carmine Falcone

    Carmine Falcone So it goes.

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    Bruce Wayne in a circus full with people: Harvey, I am Batman! (oh, wait he did that:mad: )
     
  13. zer00

    zer00 Registered

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    :up:

    alfred: You know your parents deserved it.
     
  14. InsayneJayne

    InsayneJayne Registered

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    LMFAO...[​IMG]
     
  15. P. Cushing

    P. Cushing Registered

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    BATMAN SUCKS FOREVER

    An Original Screenplay

    by

    Greg Wyshynski, Michael Moyer, and Andrew Stanger

    Summer 1997


    INT. BATCAVE
    Deep within the batcave, BATMAN and ROBIN are suiting up, including pulling their socks up, tying their shoelaces, zipping their pants, and buckling their belts. The BATMOBILE rises through a hole in the floor, and Batman steps in.
    ROBIN
    Why can't I have a car? Chicks dig the car.
    BATMAN
    This is why Superman works alone.
    EXT. SKY ABOVE METROPOLIS - DAY
    Cut to a shot of SUPERMAN, flying through the sky above a sprawling Metropolis.
    SUPERMAN
    I'm the Man of Steel!
    A smaller figure, his sidekick, leaps into the scene.
    ALUMINUM BOY
    And I'm the Boy of Aluminum!
    INT. BATCAVE
    ROBIN
    Don't wait up for us, Al.
    ALFRED
    (slurred)
    If I'm lucky, I'll be out before ten...
    He takes a long swig from a wine bottle.
    ALFRED (CON'T)
    ...you arrogant twit.
    The Batmobile speeds towards a crime scene.


    EXT. A DESERTED ALLEY IN GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT
    Two THUGS are walking down a poorly lit alley, carrying bags of money. They are shocked to see Batman and Robin approach from the shadows. Before the criminals can react, Batman grabs one by the throat and pushes him up against the wall.
    1st Thug
    (scared)
    What are you?
    Batman
    I'm Batman.
    Robin
    And I'm...
    A gunshot rings out and Robin, hit in the head, abruptly stops his introduction, falling out of view. The 2nd thug looks quite satisfied with himself as he holsters his weapon. He turns around but only sees his unconscious partner. Batman is nowhere to be found. He panics momentarily before he is attacked from behind by Batman and quickly rendered unconscious.
    Batman walks over to Robin and pulls a vial from his utility belt, clearly labeled "BAT HEAD HEALER." He pulls out the cork, throws away the vial, and plugs the hole in Robin's head. Robin wakes up and gets to his feet.
    Robin
    Holy hole in my head, Batman.
    (pause)
    Look!
    Batman walks over to the 1st Thug, who is lying unconscious. A folded black note with a green question mark emblem is clutched in his hand. Batman takes the note.
    Batman
    The Riddler! He must be up to his old tricks again. This note must be a vital clue which will tell us of his diabolical plans. Another of his unsolvable riddles.
    Robin
    What does it say?
    Batman opens the note.
    Batman
    It says, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"


    INT. BATCAVE
    Inside the Batcave, Robin lies on a table surrounded by medical instruments. Batman hovers over him wielding forceps, trying to repair the damage to his head. Alfred walks in from off camera.
    Alfred
    Commissioner Gordon called while you were away sir. He wants you to go get me more liquor.
    Batman
    No...I don't think so.
    Alfred picks up the bat-phone.
    Alfred
    Yes he did. He called on this right here and said...
    He passes out.
    Batman
    You were lucky tonight, Dick. You could have gotten yourself killed. You can't take chances like that.
    Robin
    Just fix my head, okay? If I wanted a lecture, I would have stayed home with my parents.
    Batman
    Dick, your parents are dead.
    Robin
    Just fix the damn hole!
    Batman
    There, it's done. Stand up.
    Robin gets up off the table. The hole in his head is covered with a Band-Aid. He touches the healing wound.
    Batman
    You should be fine. Just be careful. You suffered a massive head trauma and might be prone to sudden blackouts.
    Robin
    Blackouts? How often?
    Suddenly Robin lets out a yelp. His hand covers his head where the wound is, and he falls to the floor, unconscious. Batman shakes his head, kneels down, and helps Robin up.
    Batman
    Just be careful.
    Batman and Robin walk over to the bat-computer. Batman looks down at the Riddler's note, which is lying on a table. He picks it up and looks at it.
    Batman
    "Why did the chicken cross the road?" What does it all mean, Robin?
    Robin
    To get to the other side.
    Batman
    That's JUST what the Riddler wants us to think!
    Robin
    Let's see...Chicken...chickens have feathers. Feathers can tickle. When someone tickles you, you laugh...
    Batman
    That's it, Robin! Laugh! That fiendish clown the Joker must be up to something! What else do chickens have?
    Robin
    Chickens have beaks...
    Batman
    Not if you break them off.
    Robin
    Gee, Batman, you're right! Well, let's see. Chickens are birds...
    Batman
    Of course! Bird! Penguins are birds! The Penguin must be involved!
    Robin
    Penguins live in cold weather, it's a wonder they don't freeze.
    Batman
    Yes! Mr. Freeze is in on their little game as well!
    Robin
    But who else? "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Road...
    Batman
    You may be on to something, Robin. Perhaps the Riddler is playing a little word game. If we take the word "road" and remove the letters r, a, and d, and then add the letters p, i, s, o, n, space, i, v and y, we get the name of the insidious femme fatale, Poison Ivy!
    Robin
    Woah. What about some of the other words in the riddle? Cross...churches have crosses.
    Batman
    No, Robin. In the riddle, "cross" is used as verb, as in "to cross one's path," like a black cat.
    Robin
    Cat? Could Catwoman be involved too?
    Batman
    Good thinking, Boy Wonder! But I get the feeling that we're overlooking someone...
    Alfred wakes up momentarily and tries to focus on the Dynamic Duo.
    Alfred
    Look at all the faces! One face, two face, three...
    Batman
    That's it! Two-Face. He would never miss out on such a meeting of the criminal minds.
    Robin
    Riddler, Joker, Penguin, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, Catwoman, and Two-Face. Holy unholy horde, Batman! That's quite a lineup!


    INT. BATCAVE
    Batman
    Robin, we can't rush into any situation unprepared. I'll call up the files we have on each of the villains involved. Turn on the bat-computer.
    Robin flips a switch on the computer, which hums up and declares, "You've got mail." Batman starts opening the files.
    Batman
    The Joker. Jack Napier. An underling in a huge crime family headed by Boss Grissom. We had a confrontation in the Axis Chemical Plant and he accidentally fell into a vat of green goo.
    Robin
    On purpose accidentally or accidentally?
    Batman
    A vat of green goo isn't my style. Dropping a man off the top of a cathedral, that's my cup of tea. Anyway, he fell into the vat of green goo. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal killer clown.
    Robin
    From outer space.
    Batman
    Uh, no.
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
    THE JOKER walks around his secret hideout nervously, awaiting the arrival of his guests. He is periodically checking on snacks, drinks, etc.
    INT. BATCAVE
    Batman
    Harvey Dent. A district attorney, and member of the NAACP, he was trying the case of a big time mobster when he was splashed in the face with acid.
    Robin
    NAACP? But Two-Face is white.
    Batman
    Right, and that acid disfigured half his face. Then he tumbled out a window into a vat of tooth whitener. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal two-faced terror.
    Robin
    And...
    Batman
    And what?
    Robin
    And he murdered my trapeze artist family in cold blood during a circus performance, forcing me to team up with you and become the Dynamic Duo.
    Batman
    Oh yeah, that's right!
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
    There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it, and TWO-FACE enters the hideout.
    Two-Face
    We're glad to see you.
    Joker
    Well hello and hello!
    Two-Face
    What's on the menu this evening?
    Joker
    (to his right side)
    Well for you, there's sparkling champagne, yummy poached salmon with little itty bitty quail eggs, and a creamy, dreamy lemon souffle.
    (to his left side)
    And for you, there's a charred heart of black boar, a side of raw donkey meat, and a sterno and grain alcohol, straight up. Or if you just want to snack, there's Chex mix and wine coolers over there.
    Two-Face
    Joker, you're the Martha Stewart of crime.
    Joker
    Oh, I do what I can.
    INT. BATCAVE
    Batman
    Poison Ivy. She used to be Pamela Isley, a botanist from South America.
    Robin
    Why did she go to South America to study batons?
    Batman
    A botanist studies plants, Dick. Anyway, she was attempting to create a hybrid of a snake and a flower.
    Robin
    WHAT!? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Yeah, a man-eating plant! Right! Yeah, and let's make it sing too! A singing man-eating plant! I'm sure everyone would be into THAT, right?
    Batman
    So she's just strolling along and she slips and falls into a vat of venom and chlorophyll. Somehow she survived...but she was changed. Into a maniacal plant woman.
    Robin
    But WHAT a woman! Va-va-va-VOOM!
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
    There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it, and POISON IVY steps in.
    Poison Ivy
    Am I late?
    Joker
    Are you...c'mon on in here you little sapling! Listen, I didn't know what you like to eat, ya know, whether you're a vegetarian or whether you just eat meat.
    Poison Ivy
    I don't eat either really, mostly just candy.
    Joker
    Oh great! Well, there's butter scotch suckers in the dish on the endtable and I'll bring out my famous Rice-Krispie treats ala Joker in a bit.
    INT. BATCAVE
    Batman
    Mr. Freeze. Formerly Victor Fries.
    Robin
    It say "fries" on the screen.
    Batman
    It's pronounced "Freeze."
    Robin
    Yeah, OK, so after this, let's get some burgers and "freeze."
    Batman
    Fries was a cryogenist who...
    Robin
    Fell into a vat of cryogenic fluid?
    Batman
    No. He fell into a vat of ice cubes.
    Robin
    And he didn't just die of hypothermia?
    Batman
    Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal master of frozen doom.
    Robin
    Just like Ben and Jerry.
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
    There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it to reveal MR. FREEZE. Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake" is heard playing in the background.
    Joker
    Hey! It's the coolest guy I know!
    Freeze
    (in a heavy Austrian accent)
    Ice to see you. Cool place you have here.
    Joker puts his arm around Mr. Freeze.
    Joker
    Yeah, yeah. Now there's Chex party mix and wine coolers over there and if you need to stand inside the refrigerator for a while, just move the Sunny Delight over to the second shelf, okay?
    INT. BATCAVE
    Batman
    The Riddler. Edward Nygma. A computer programmer who, while trying to discover if his favorite Chinese restaurant used MSG, fell into a vat of fortune cookies. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal maniac.
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
    Riddler
    Knock, knock!
    Joker
    Who's there?
    Riddler
    Orange.
    Joker
    Orange who?
    The RIDDLER bursts in through the door.
    Riddler
    Orange you glad I remembered to bring Pictionary?
    Joker
    Hey, who isn't? How've you been?
    Riddler
    Well, I'm still in the middle of that copyright infringement suit against the Puzzler, but other than that I'm smmmmmmokin'!
    Joker
    Yeah, okay, anyway, there's Chex Mix and wine coolers and, uh, try not to mention Mr. Freeze's comatose wife--he's a little touchy about that for some reason.
    Riddler
    Allllllrighty then!
    INT. BATCAVE
    Batman
    The Penguin. Oswald Cobblepot. He was born a freak flipper baby to rich parents during the War of the Roses. His mama threw him from a train, right into a vat of live penguins.
    Robin
    A vat of live penguins?
    Batman
    Yes. Evidently, traveling circuses used to keep their animals in vats to save on accommodation costs. Anyway, he fell into the vat of penguins. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal killer birdman.
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
    There is a knock at the door. It swings open and PENGUIN walks through it squawking...and right past Joker.
    Joker
    Hi there...Pen...guin...
    INT. BATCAVE
    Batman
    Catwoman. Selina Kyle. A secretary who suffered a horrible paper cut and fell out a window right into a vat of cats.
    Robin
    Circus cats?
    Batman
    No, just regular old alley cats that enjoyed living in a vat. Anyway, she fell into the vat of cats. Somehow she survived...but she was changed. Into a maniacal feline felon.
    Robin
    A whiskered warrior! A perpetrating *****! A...
    Batman
    Shut up Dick.
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
    There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it and CATWOMAN steps through. She looks around.
    Catwoman
    Hi, Joker.
    Joker
    Did you find the place okay?
    Catwoman
    Surprisingly well for a secret hideout.
    Joker
    Well, everybody's in the back, there's Chex Mix and wine coolers. Just don't touch the stereo, okay?
    Catwoman
    Great, but where's the litter box? It was a long trip.
    Joker
    Second door on the left.
    (to the back of the room)
    Hey, who's up for Jenga?
     
  16. P. Cushing

    P. Cushing Registered

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    INT. BATCAVE
    Batman
    With all of their powers combined, one can only imagine the kind of terror they could cause. I have to stop them!
    Robin
    WE have to stop them! When will you learn to trust me? And the next time we have to provide exposition and pathos for the villains, I want to do it! And I want a Robinmobile, and a Robin-signal, and...
    Robin lets out a squeak and he blacks out.


    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
    The villains are milling around talking amongst themselves.
    Freeze
    Cool outfit.
    Catwoman
    It's the cat's meow.
    Freeze
    You send chills up and down my spine.
    Catwoman
    That's because I'm prrrrrrfect.
    Freeze
    Me and you should find some place to chill.
    Catwoman
    I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
    Two-Face
    Hey what are you guys talking about?
    Catwoman
    Oh, someone who doesn't speak in catchphrases makes me feel simply cat-atonic.
    Freeze
    I usually give him the cold shoulder.
    Two-Face
    We can try. But our gimmick is only saying "we" instead of "I."
    Catwoman
    If you can't play the game, then tough kitty!
    Freeze
    Do you like rap? I like Ice Cube!
    Two-Face
    Don't be so two-faced!
    There's a long silence. Freeze and Catwoman roll their eyes.
    Catwoman
    That was prrrrrfectly awful.
    Freeze
    Hell will freeze before you're funny.
    Two-Face
    That was really two-faced!
    Catwoman
    Your catchphrase is a cat-tastrophy!
    Two-Face
    Did you ever see The Mirror Has Two Faces?
    Freeze
    One more line like that, and I'll kick your ice!
    The camera pans over to find Riddler talking to Poison Ivy.
    Riddler
    ...so then I stole his brain waves and pushed him out a window.
    They laugh.
    Riddler (CON'T)
    So, what's your plan for world domination?
    Poison Ivy
    Well, plants have been tormented by animals for long enough. It's time they had their chance. THIS little fellow is just the beginning of the botanical revolution I will bring about.
    She points to a man-eating plant in a jar.
    Riddler
    What does it do? Does it sing?
    Poison Ivy
    (annoyed)
    No it doesn't sing. It's a ferocious man-eating plant.
    Riddler
    It's pretty small, I don't think it could eat an entire person. Your plan is pretty lame.
    Poison Ivy
    Oh please. Is yours any better?
    Riddler
    Ha! I plan to do nothing less than steal the brain power from every citizen of Gotham! This BRAIN BOX will one day be on every TV in the city.
    Poison Ivy
    Brain box? It looks like a blender with Styrofoam in it!
    Riddler and Ivy begin a shouting match, but are interrupted by the Joker.
    Joker
    Everyone! I think it's about time to call this little meeting to order!
    The six others walk into the conference room.
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - CONFERENCE ROOM
    The main feature of the conference room is a big rectangular table. Joker sits down at the head. The others crowd around and take their seats.
    Joker
    Okay, first order of business. This meeting is supposed to be completely secret. I trust you all destroyed your invitations and told no one about our collaboration?
    The camera pans around the table, and all of the villains nod in agreement, except the Riddler.
    Riddler
    Uh...define "no one."
    Two-Face
    What did you do, you imbecile?!
    Riddler
    Oh, well, nothing really. I just...kinda...left a riddle for Batman. Which, if properly deciphered, will...sorta...give him insight not only to our criminal partnership, but to this meeting as well.
    Poison Ivy
    And what makes you think that Batman WON'T decipher it?
    Riddler
    Well, it's pretty cryptic...and complicated...and...and cryptic.
    Freeze
    Well why did you leave it in the first place?
    Riddler
    It's a RIDDLE! It's what I DO for crying out loud!
    Joker
    Well, what's done is done. Now drop it. I suppose you all know the purpose of this gathering. We are here to put an end to Batman. That winged rodent has been our only obstacle for as long as we've been criminals. In fact, how many of us here were created because of the Caped Crusader?
    Two-Face, Riddler, and Joker raise their hands.
    Joker
    Exactly. It's about time we take the bat by the wings and end his reign of do-goodery. I'm open to suggestions.
    Mr. Freeze raises his hand.
    Freeze
    I will unleash a reign of freezing terror on the city! Batman will be buried beneath a mountain of ice! He will watch his beloved Gotham perish! No one will be untouched by my icy hand of doom! I will destroy, destroy, DESTROY the bat! First Gotham! Tomorrow the world! KILL the heroes! KILL THEM!!!
    Joker
    Whoa, Tiger! Let's just, uh, cool down, okay? How about something a little more subtle. I don't think Gotham is any good to us freeze-dried.
    Poison Ivy raises her hand and waits until she has everyone's attention.
    Poison Ivy
    I suggest we unleash an army of my man-eating plants on the...
    Riddler
    Oh, SHUT UP! Behold! The brain box! This device, if properly distributed, will let us control every mind in...
    Poison Ivy and Riddler get into another shouting match.
    Joker
    Hey! Put Audrey II and the blender away. Anyone else? Penguin?
    Penguin starts squawking and gesturing meaningfully. The other villains stare in disbelief. Black goo begins dripping from his mouth and he starts choking. He keels over and dies. There is an awkward pause.
    Joker
    Any other plans? No? Good. I'm glad I came up with my OWN scheme to rid us of Batman. What's the one thing that will bring Batman out in the open and right into our trap?
    Catwoman
    Cheese?
    Two-Face
    CHEESE?! What do you mean cheese, you idiot!
    Joker
    Besides cheese. How about...a damsel in distress to bring out the knight in shining rubber? I believe our dear Mr. Freeze has prepared a small slide show for us.
    Freeze
    Lights!
    The lights dim and slide one flicks onto a screen. It's a picture of a young woman surrounded by what looks like heavy fog. The woman is quite attractive, except for her teeth, which are dirty yellow.
    Freeze
    This is Ashley McSmoke, the spokesmodel for Gotham Cigarettes. If we kidnap her, the cigarette industry would crumble.
    Two-Face
    Don't be stupid! Those nicotine-addicted Gothamites would keep buying cigarettes whether the spokesperson was an attractive woman or a big fat smelly camel!
    Slide two shows a woman in a suit jotting something down on a pad she's carrying. She looks remarkably like Kim Basinger.
    Freeze
    This is Vicki Vale, a reporter for the Gotham Times. If we kidnap her...
    Joker
    No no no! That would never work.
    Freeze
    Without her, Gotham's...
    Joker
    NO! Trust me. It wouldn't work.
    Slide three. Mr. Freeze himself is on screen, wearing knee high rubber boots and carrying a fishing pole. A large fish is strung up behind him.
    Freeze
    Whoa! That's me at Cape Cod. I don't know how that got in there...
    Slide four is a photograph of a tall, gorgeous brunette walking down the runway in a fashion show.
    Joker
    Stop the press! Who's that?
    Freeze
    This is Leggy Supermodel, Gotham's leading sex symbol and girlfriend of millionaire Bruce Wayne.
    Joker
    Yes! She's perfect! When word gets out that we've abducted her, Batman will do anything to save her. Even...reveal his secret identity! Then he will be powerless!
    All the villains laugh maniacally.
     
  17. P. Cushing

    P. Cushing Registered

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    EXT. WAYNE MANOR - THE NEXT DAY
    LEGGY SUPERMODEL rings the doorbell and waits patiently. Presently the door opens and Alfred is standing there.
    Alfred
    Ah, Miss Supermodel, Master Bruce is expecting you. Come in.
    Leggy
    Thank you.
    She steps inside.
    INT. WAYNE MANOR
    Alfred
    May I take off your clothes?
    Leggy
    Excuse me?
    Alfred
    May I take off your coat?
    Leggy
    Uh...certainly.
    Bruce Wayne joins her as Alfred leaves wearing her coat.
    Bruce
    How delightful to see you, Leggy. Shall we dine?
    INT. WAYNE MANOR - DINING ROOM
    Cut to Bruce and Leggy eating dinner. They are sitting at the dining room table facing each other.
    Bruce
    Alfred, could you bring us more wine, please?
    Alfred
    No, Master Bruce. I'm afraid I drank it all this afternoon.
    Bruce
    Alfred, there were 30 bottles in the wine cellar this morning.
    Alfred
    Funny, I counted 32.
    He walks away.
    Leggy
    Bruce, there's something we need to discuss. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Marry me.
    Bruce
    Leggy, I'm sorry...I can't.
    Leggy
    Why not?
    Bruce
    Because I'm Batman.
    Leggy
    You're Batman? But why didn't you tell me?
    Bruce
    (shrugging)
    It never came up.
    Leggy
    Bruce, I need some time to think this over. I've got to go.
    Bruce and Leggy stand up. Bruce is revealed to have been wearing Batman's cape the entire time!
    Bruce
    Alfred? Could you please show Leggy to the door?
    Alfred
    Of course, sir.
    (to Leggy)
    You know he's not the only one with black tights...
    As Alfred escorts Leggy towards the door, Dick Grayson walks by, looking upset.
    Dick
    Hey Al, where's Bruce?
    Alfred just stands there looking confused.
    Dick (CON'T)
    Nevermind...
    EXT. WAYNE MANOR
    Alfred opens the door for Leggy, who leaves. She walks down the path from Wayne Manor. Suddenly, a voice is heard from off camera.
    Joker
    Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?
    Leggy
    What?
    Joker
    I always ask that of all my prey. I just like the sound of it.
    Leggy
    I don't get it.
    Joker
    Well...uh...Twinkie?
    A hand, holding a Twinkie, appears from off camera. Leggy stops, looks at the Twinkie with wide eyes, and follows it off camera. We hear her being kidnapped.
     
  18. P. Cushing

    P. Cushing Registered

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    INT. WAYNE MANOR - THE STUDY
    Bruce is sitting on a couch, relaxing after dinner. He is interrupted when Dick storms into the room.
    Dick
    Why can't you just trust me?!
    Bruce
    Listen, Dick, you nearly got killed in that fight with the Riddler's henchmen. You can't expect me to let you...
    Dick
    I'm not talking about that!
    Bruce
    Then what...?
    Dick holds up a toaster, its plug dangling behind. On the toaster is a hand-written note which reads, "Dick, stay away!"
    Dick
    Why don't you ever let me use the damn toaster?! We're family, dammit, and you should trust me! What, do you think I'll burn the house down making some freakin' Pop-Tarts?


    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - SIDE ROOM
    Pop-Tarts shoot up from a toaster, and one is grabbed by Mr. Freeze. The camera follows him until it reveals...Leggy Supermodel! She is tied up in a chair, surrounded by Poison Ivy, Catwoman, Two-Face, and now Freeze. Freeze takes a bite of the Pop-Tart.
    Freeze
    Mmm...so hot they're cool.
    Leggy
    What do you want from me, you vile fiends?
    Poison Ivy
    We already have what we want from you, honey. Once Batman finds out one of Gotham's favorite citizens has been kidnapped, he'll be forced to give in to our demands.
    Catwoman
    And once he reveals his secret identity to us, we will be able to...
    Leggy
    Secret identity? But he's Bruce Way...
    Freeze
    Silence! Hasn't anyone ever told you it's not polite to interrupt? Wait your turn!
    Two-Face
    Wait a minute. What if Batman doesn't reveal his identity? What if he tries to rescue her instead?
    Catwoman
    Don't be ridiculous. He could never find Joker's hideout.
    Leggy
    Uh, hello? Is anyone listening? Batman is really Bru...
    Freeze
    If you interrupt us again, we might have to put you on ice!
    Leggy
    Listen, Mr. Freezer, or whatever your name is. I just want to cooperate. I'll tell you Batman's secret ident...
    Poison Ivy
    That's it! Freeze?
    Mr. Freeze takes a piece of duct tape and places it squarely over Leggy's mouth. She mumbles insistently, but no one can understand what she's saying.
    Two-Face
    Let's go get our bat-trap ready.
    Freeze
    (to Leggy)
    Don't go anywhere. I'll be back.
    They begin filing out the door, but Catwoman stops under the doorframe and looks up at some hanging mistletoe. She concentrates on it for several seconds, almost mesmerized.
    Catwoman
    Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
    Two-Face
    Who the hell eats mistletoe? Don't be a moron!
    Suddenly the Riddler jumps into view from behind the door and points at Catwoman.
    Riddler
    Loo-hoo, zeh-her!


    INT. WAYNE MANOR - THE STUDY - NIGHT
    Bruce Wayne is reading a book by the window, looking solemn. The room is dark. Dick Grayson walks in.
    Dick
    Bruce, I was playing down in the cave and look what I found!
    Bruce
    Why, it's my old bat-night vision goggles!
    He puts them on.
    Bruce (CON'T)
    Oh look, I can see the entire...
    Suddenly, an unbelievably bright light filters through the window.
    Bruce (CONT'T)
    Whoaaaaaaaa!
    He rips off the goggles.
    Dick
    Bruce, it's the Batsignal!
    The Batsignal is seen shining brightly through the window.
    Bruce
    Commissioner Gordon needs me! God bless the Batsignal, a beacon that calms the worried masses, that reassures their safety, that...
    Dick
    I want a Robin-signal.
    Bruce
    Shut up, Dick! You, stay here! Me, to the Batcave!
    Dick
    Why can't I come? Aren't I your partner? Don't you trust me?
    Bruce
    Yeah, uh, sure I trust you...but listen, I'm Alfred's sponsor and with me away, who's going to keep him on the wagon?
    Dick
    On the...Alfred hasn't even SEEN the wagon, Bruce! You don't trust me!
    Bruce
    Of course I trust you. That's why you have the most important job in the world--watching the cave while I'm away.
    Bruce walks away.


    INT. POLICE HQ - COMMISSIONER GORDON'S OFFICE
    COMMISSIONER GORDON is sitting at his desk fiddling with some pencils. His secretary's voice is heard over the intercom.
    Secretary
    Commissioner, Batman is here to see you.
    Gordon
    (sounding very much like Droopy Dog)
    Does he have an appointment?
    Batman walks in.
    Batman
    I think that signal in the sky is appointment enough.
    Gordon
    Signal? Oh yeah! Batman, we received a video tape from the Joker. But then we taped over it by accident. But luckily, Blockbuster Video had several copies. I think you should see this.
    He turns on the TV and the tape begins to play. The Joker appears on the set.
    Joker
    Joker here. Before I go on with this ransom demand, I'd like to thank our sponsors. Texaco, star of the American road, and Budweiser, the King of Beers, who proudly gives the Budweiser Villain of the Week award to Lex Luthor for unleashing a mutant cockroach on Metropolis. Great going, Lex.

    Now let's get down to business. We have abducted Leggy Supermodel. She is being held in our secret hideout, located in downtown Gotham, 13...
    Voice off Camera
    Shut up you idiot!
    Joker
    Right. We will force feed Leggy until she is grotesquely obese, thus ruining Gotham's fashion advertising industry, unless our demands are met.
    Batman
    What are their demands?
    Joker
    Our demands are simple. We want Batman, where ever he is, to come forward and reveal his secret identity. Do you hear me Batman? Find us, if you can, and save Miss Supermodel, or else the joke will be on her.
    He laughs maniacally.
    Batman
    This doesn't make any sense.
    Gordon
    Joker gives clowns a bad name.
    Batman
    If they wanted me to find them, why would they make their hideout a secret?
    Gordon
    Bozo, now there was a clown.
    Batman
    It's just common sense that if you're going to lure a man to his death, you should at least tell him where he's being lured.
    Gordon
    Always making balloon animals for the children, throwing pies in his face.
    Batman
    I've got to save Leggy.
    Gordon
    He was so much fun...until the drinking started.
    Batman
    Joker mentioned downtown Gotham.
    Gordon
    That's the bad part of town, Batman. You be careful.
    Batman
    You're right! I'd better leave the Batmobile home. I can't afford to have my hubcaps stolen again.
    Batman is seen running through the streets of Gotham and fighting villains, courtesy of the Batman Nintendo game.
     
  19. WayneEnterprise

    WayneEnterprise Viva la revolucion.

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    This story is hilarious.
     
  20. P. Cushing

    P. Cushing Registered

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    EXT. A DARK ALLEY IN DOWNTOWN GOTHAM - NIGHT
    Batman rushes into the scene, walking along the wall of the alley.
    Batman
    Those fiends have carefully hidden their lair. I can only hope for...some...miracle...
    Batman peers to the top of a doorway in back of him. A sign with the words "Hideout Entrance" hangs above it.
    Batman
    Well, OK...
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
    Batman enters the hideout. All the villains are crowded in a corner around a faint blue glow. Batman sneaks by them and into the Side Room, where Leggy is tied up.
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - SIDE ROOM
    Batman begins untying Leggy.
    Batman
    What are they all doing?
    Leggy
    It's "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel.
    Batman
    Oh, Shark Week! I hope Robin set a tape.
    He looks over his shoulder through the door.
    Batman (CON'T)
    Uh oh, commercial!
    The villains turn around and see Batman and Leggy.
    Poison Ivy
    (to Riddler)
    So, your riddle was "cryptic," was it?
    Batman grabs Leggy, runs back into the Main Room, and confronts the villains.
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
    Batman
    Hi Joker, Two-Face, Catwoman, Riddler, Freeze and Ivy...I'm Batman.
    Villains
    We know!
    Riddler
    Riddle me this Batman...what's black and white and red all over?
    Batman
    A newspaper...or a bloody zebra.
    He kicks the Riddler in the stomach, and he falls.
    Joker
    Ever dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight?
    Batman
    What?
    Joker
    I always ask that of...
    Batman
    No, I mean what the hell does that mean?
    Joker
    C'mon, it's my catchphrase! Why is everybody so down on my...
    Batman
    Whatever...
    He slugs him.
    Poison Ivy
    Enough of this brutality. How about a kiss?
    Catwoman
    Or would you preferrrrr a nice whipping?
    Batman
    (To Leggy)
    I could never hit a lady.
    Leggy
    No problem.
    She kicks Poison Ivy and punches Catwoman.
    Batman
    Thanks babe.
    Two-Face
    We got next!
    Batman gives him a left...
    Batman
    One for you.
    ...then gives him a right.
    Batman (CON'T)
    And one for you!
    Batman and Leggy begin to run away. They are blocked by Mr. Freeze.
    Freeze
    Freeze, Batman! You're not going anywhere!
    Batman
    Hi Freeze, I'm...
    Freeze
    We already did that.
    Batman
    Right. See what I have here?
    He holds up a diamond.
    Freeze
    That could power my suit for years!
    Batman
    Fetch.
    He throws the diamond off to the side, and Freeze scrambles after it. Batman raises his grappling hook and grabs Leggy around her waist.
    Leggy
    You wasted a perfectly good diamond?
    Batman
    Don't worry, it was only cubic zirconium.
    Freeze grunts and collapses behind them. Batman fires his grappling hook up in the air, only to have it fall right back down to the ground. He takes Leggy by the hand and runs out the door. The villains rise up off the ground and regroup.
    Catwoman
    We lost the bat!
    Poison Ivy
    And the hostage!
    Two-Face
    We'll never find a way to lure him to us again!
    Suddenly, Robin bursts into the hideout.
    Robin
    Unhand her you fiends!
    The villains have their backs turned to him, and slowly turn to face him.
    Robin
    Holy...crap.


    INT. BATCAVE
    Batman rushes into the BATCAVE. He sees a note left on a console. He picks it up and begins reading it aloud.
    Batman
    "Dear Batman," Batman spelled wrong, "why won't you trust me? To prove myself, I've gone to save Leggy. If I see you there please disregard this note. Robin." Yeah, like I'm gonna let him use the toaster NOW.


    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - SIDE ROOM
    Robin is tied to a chair. He struggles and struggles but finally slips out of his binds. He begins to run out when he is stopped by Poison Ivy.
    Poison Ivy
    Where are you flying, Birdboy?
    Robin
    Uh...nowhere.
    Poison Ivy
    Running to find me?
    Robin
    Uh...no.
    Ivy blows her pheromones into Robin's face.
    Poison Ivy
    How about now?
    Robin
    Now? Now my face is covered in pheromones.
    Poison Ivy
    Enough talk...more action. How about I plant a kiss on those sweet, sidekick lips?
    Robin
    Well, I...
    He gets cut off as Ivy kisses him. We see her eyes roll as she deposits her poison onto the Boy Wonder. She releases.
    Poison Ivy
    There's something you should know...I'm poison!
    Robin
    (very muffled)
    There's something YOU should know. I was wearing wax lips!
    The camera pans around to show Robin wearing a pair of big red wax lips! He spits them out. Joker walks in.
    Joker
    How did our little friend get loose? I think it's time we ground this bird for good. Ivy...warm up the buzzsaw...and set up the TV studio.


    INT. WAYNE MANOR - TV ROOM - NIGHT
    Leggy walks into the room. Bruce is sitting in a bathrobe, drinking a beverage, wearing his slippers...and his Batman cowl! He is watching the news.
    TV Anchorman
    More on the deaths of Candy Walker and Amanda Keeler later. Our top story tonight deals with the imminent death of Robin, the Boy Wonder. The video you are about to see was given to us by Gotham's Clown Prince of Crime, the Joker.
    A video of Robin begins playing. He is tied to a buzzsaw trap, and looks quite distressed. He struggles against the straps holding him down, to no avail.

    Bruce, unconcerned, picks up a newspaper and begins reading.
    Leggy
    What the...Bruce, what are you doing?
    Bruce
    I'm reading the Gotham Times, why?
    Leggy
    Shouldn't you be out saving Robin?
    Bruce
    Oh, c'mon! He's the "Boy Wonder!" He can take care of himself.
    Leggy
    Isn't he about to get sawn in half?
    Bruce
    I've been in enough buzzsaw traps to know those things take forever to get to you.
    Leggy
    I thought you two were supposed to be family.
    Bruce
    Hey! I love Dick! I never want to hear anybody ever say I don't love Dick!
    Leggy
    Then save him.
    Bruce
    Oh, all RIGHT! Nag nag nag...
    Bruce gets up and leaves.


    EXT. ALLEY BEHIND JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MORNING
    Batman is lurking around the outside of the hideout, once again searching for a way inside.
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
    The villains crowd around the door to the hideout, all anticipating Batman's entrance.
    EXT. BEHIND JOKER'S HIDEOUT
    Batman reaches the door.
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
    There's a knock. Joker opens the door to reveal...a PIZZA DELIVERY BOY.
    Boy
    I have a half pepperoni, half green pepper...frozen solid.
    Freeze
    Oh, that is mine.
    He goes to the door and gets the pizza. Joker follows and peers out the door.
    Joker
    Did you happen to see a man dressed as a bat out there?
    Boy
    Is this a joke?
    Joker
    Does it look like I'm joking?
    Boy
    That'll be...
    Joker slams the door in his face.
    Freeze
    They forgot my frozen crazy bread.
    EXT. BEHIND JOKER'S HIDEOUT
    Batman continues to lurk outside the hideout. Finally he reaches a door labeled "SECRET ENTRANCE TO TORTURE ROOM"
    Batman
    Just think how hard this would be if I wasn't dealing with idiots.
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - TORTURE ROOM
    Batman enters the room, only to see a bare table with unbuckled leather straps on it.
    Batman
    Robin! Dear God, no! My partner, my friend! Why? Why did they take him from me? Robin, I'm sorry I waited so long to save you! I'll remember the good times--bogey boarding on Gotham Lake, toasting marshmallows on the Batmobile's turbo engine...
    Robin enters behind him.
    Robin
    Batman?
    Batman
    Playing bat-air hockey...
    Robin
    Batman!
    Batman
    Robin! Little buddy!
    He hugs Robin.
    Batman (CON'T)
    Thank God you're okay! I love you!
    Robin
    Please. Not in the tights, Bruce, not in the tights.
    Batman
    C'mon Robin, let's go.
    Robin
    Wait! You still don't trust me, do you? That's why you waited so long to save me!
    Batman
    Friend. Brother. Partner. Will you help me?
    Robin
    NO! Not until you say you trust me.
    Batman
    I, uh, I trust you.
    Robin
    Like you mean it.
    Batman
    I trust you.
    Robin
    And I'll let you use the toaster.
    Batman
    But the coils get so hot!
    Robin
    And I'll let you use the toaster!
    Batman
    And I'll let you use the toaster.
    Robin
    Let's rock!
    INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
    The villains continue to guard the door.
    Poison Ivy
    They're not showing up.
    Two-Face
    We think you're right.
    Riddler
    Well this sucks.
    Catwoman
    Maybe we should have given him directions.
    The villains begin to walk away. Suddenly, The Dynamic Duo burst through the door. The villains spin to see them.
    Batman
    Looks like it's the end of the line for you fiends!
    Robin
    Yeah, the end of the...
    Robin lets out a squeak and blacks out. Batman drops down and tends to him, as the villains run over the heroes and out the door. Robin wakes up.
    Robin
    (delirious)
    Did we win?
    Batman
    (mocking)
    No, we didn't win! Come on, they're getting away!
     
  21. P. Cushing

    P. Cushing Registered

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    EXT. A BUSY STREET IN GOTHAM - DAY
    Batman and Robin chase the villains out of their hideout onto the streets of Gotham.
    Robin
    To the Batmobile!
    Batman
    Uh, Robin, there's something you should know.
    Robin
    Hey, where's the Batmobile?
    Batman
    Millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne decided to donate the Batmobile, given to him by his friend Batman...
    Robin
    Cut the crap! What did you DO?!
    EXT. SIX FLAGS GREAT ADVENTURE THEMEPARK
    The Batmobile sits on a raised dais in front of BATMAN: THE RIDE. The rollercoaster swoops into view and its passengers are heard screaming with glee.
    EXT. A BUSY STREET IN GOTHAM
    Robin
    I see. Well, how are we supposed to catch the villains now? FLY after them?! We're not Superman and Aluminum Boy, you know!
    Batman
    Shut up, Dick. We'll take the other car.
    Robin
    You want to boost the jag?
    Batman
    No, Robin, the OTHER car...
    Cut to the 1960s BATMOBILE speeding down a busy Gotham street. It soon gets stuck in traffic.
    Robin
    Holy gridlock, Batman! We'll never catch them at this rate!
    Batman
    Come on, Robin! Let's chase them on foot. These bat-boots were made for walking!


    EXT. ANOTHER BUSY STREET IN GOTHAM - DAY
    Batman and Robin are walking down the streets of Gotham, in pursuit of the fleeing criminals.
    Robin
    Did you see which way they went Batman?
    Batman
    No. Let's ask those pedestrians if they saw anything out of the ordinary.
    The Dynamic Duo approaches three teens standing to the side of the road. At the sight of Batman, the youths start chattering excitedly.
    Batman
    Hello, young citizens of Gotham. We need your help.
    1st Youth
    Wow, it's Batman!
    2nd Youth
    I can't believe it!
    3rd Youth
    Batman, can I have your autograph?
    Robin coughs, to draw attention.
    1st Youth
    (distractedly)
    Hi, Dick.
    Robin rolls his eyes and throws his hands in the air.
    Batman
    Kids, did you happen to see a maniacal, sadistic-looking clown come this way?
    Robin
    Or a green-clad venomous red-headed plant lady?
    Batman
    Or a large, cold ice man with a freeze gun?
    Robin
    Or a woman in black rubber with cat ears?
    Batman
    Or a slim green insane fellow covered in question marks?
    Robin
    Or a half normal, half monstrous guy flipping a coin?
    Batman
    Did we get 'em all?
    Robin
    Yeah, that's it.
    The teens, who had been looking back and forth between the heroes, just stand there, mouths agape, and shake their heads.
    Batman
    Well, thanks anyway, kids.
    Robin
    Bruce, do you think my mask is too revealing? I think people can tell who I am.
    Batman
    Don't be silly, Robin. No one knows your true identity.
    Passerby(1)
    Hi, Dick.
    Robin
    Argh! I want a better mask. One that covers my whole face.
    Passerby(2)
    Hey, Dick.
    Batman
    Do you have any idea how much these full molded rubber masks cost? What, do you think I'm a millionaire or something?
    Passerby(3)
    Hi, Dick.
    Robin
    I don't even know these people! I have to do something about this.
    Robin ducks off camera for a moment. When he comes back, he's wearing a brown paper bag with eye holes on his head.
    Passerby(4)
    Dick.
    Robin tears off the bag.
    Robin
    How on Earth did you know I was Dick Grayson?
    Passerby(4)
    I didn't, I just thought you were a dick for wearing a bag on your head.
    He continues on his way.
    Batman
    Robin, look! Mr. Freeze just ducked into that bar!
    They run off camera after Freeze.


    EXT. YET ANOTHER BUSY STREET IN GOTHAM - DAY
    Just as Batman and Robin are about to walk in the door they look up and see a sign reading "The J. Schumacher Club." They enter.
    INT. J. SCHUMACHER CLUB
    The club is "hopping," with crazy dancing and colored lighting. Men in purple gorilla suits are swaying back and forth to the music in several places around the club.
    Waitress
    Anything I can do for you sir? Check your cape?
    Waiter
    Ringside table Batman?
    Batman
    Just looking thanks, I'll stand at the bar.
    He walks up to the bar to find Alfred sitting there.
    Alfred
    (slurred)
    Hey Baatmaann. Need your underwear ironed?
    Batman
    Um, actually I'll be in the back. I shouldn't wish to attract attention.
    Batman and Robin make their way to the back.
    Robin
    Holy wool over our eyes Batman, we've lost him.
    Batman
    Yes Robin, but keep your eyes peeled, he always seems to...
    Batman stops speaking as the song "Batusi A-Go! Go!" comes on. Batman and Robin stand up and lead the dancers in their rendition of the Batusi.
    Batman
    They're playing my song Robin.
    Robin dances up to a female dancer.
    Robin
    Holy hole in a donut, Batman.
    Batman
    You've done it again Boy Wonder.
    The Dynamic Duo continue dancing...
    INT. J. SCHUMACHER CLUB - QUITE SOME TIME LATER
    The club is much less "hopping" than it was earlier. Nearly all of the patrons have gone home except, of course, Batman and Robin. They are still dancing, and don't show any signs of slowing down.
    Waitress
    Batman, please. You've been dancing for hours. Why don't you just come back tomorrow night?
    Suddenly, Mr. Freeze jumps up from behind a table. He pushes past the waitress and runs out the back door.
    Robin
    There he goes Batman!
    Batman
    After him Robin, after him!


    EXT. AN ALLEY BEHIND THE CLUB - NIGHT
    Batman and Robin chase Freeze out to the street. All the villains are lying in wait.
    Joker
    The joke's on you, Batman! You're outnumbered six to two!
    Batgirl rushes onto the scene.
    Batgirl
    Six to three!
    Batman
    Who are you?
    Batgirl
    Bruce it's me, Barbara Gordon-Wilson-Pennyworth, Alfred's niece!
    Villains
    BRUCE?!
    Batman
    Thanks. Now why are you here and why are you dressed that way?
    Batgirl
    I'm Batgirl. Uncle Alfred gave me a disk with all the information about you and then I snuck into the Batcave, where Uncle Alfred had constructed an outfit for me in anticipation of my crime-fighting future.
    Robin clears his throat for attention.
    Batgirl
    Hi Dick.
    Batman
    How did you get past the Batcave security system?
    Batgirl
    Uncle Alfred programmed his algorithms into the bat-computer and I asked his virtual being to turn off the alarm.
    Batman
    Programmed his...the guy has one sober moment in 40 years and he becomes Steven Hawking!
    (to the villains)
    Now the odds are a bit more even!
    Another figure steps out of the shadows into the midst of the villains.
    Scarecrow
    Hey Batman.
    Batman
    Who are you?
    Scarecrow
    Don't you remember me, Batman? It was five years ago. You were blindly chasing after some two-bit thief on my farm. You were so obsessed, you didn't even notice when you PUSHED me into that vat of hay! Now, you can call me...the Scarecrow.
    Batman
    Hi, Scarecrow. I'm Batman. It's still only seven on three. I've fought my way out of worser situations than this.
    Poison Ivy
    We figured you'd say something like that.
    Two-Face
    That's why we invited some of our old friends!
    Ridiculously, villain after villain emerges from the shadows.
    King Tut
    I'll send you running home to mummy, Batman!
    Batman
    Hi King Tut, I'm Batman.
    Egghead
    I'm going to put you in shell shock!
    Batman
    Hi Egghead, I'm Batman.
    Bookworm
    You're in a bind now, Batman!
    Batman
    Hi Bookworm, I'm Batman.
    Archer
    I'll make you quiver with fear, Batman!
    Batman
    Hi Archer, I'm Batman.
    Clock King
    Time to die, Caped Crusader!
    Batman
    Hi Clock King, I'm Batman.
    Calendar Man
    You have a date with death, Batman!
    Batman
    Hi Calendar Man, I'm Batman.
    Clayface
    I'm going to mold you a casket, Batman!
    Batman
    Hi Clayface, I'm Batman.
    Ventriloquist
    You can't defeat us, you dummy!
    Batman
    Hi Ventriloquist, I'm Batman.
    Darth Vader
    Bruce, I'm your father!
    Robin
    Noooooo!!!
    Joker
    That's sixteen to three, Batman! The only way we could be stopped now is if a bunch of aliens came and blew up the world!
    Suddenly, a dark shadow falls across everyone. A bluish-green light illuminates the area. The heroes and villains gaze upwards. Cut to the ship from Independence Day firing its city-destroying laser into the heart of Gotham. Everyone is consumed in a lake of fire.


    EXT. SOMEWHERE IN GOTHAM - NIGHT
    Music slowly builds up over a black screen. At a climactic point in the score, the Batsignal flicks on, filling the field of view. Batman, silhouetted, runs in front of the light, and he is joined by Robin and Batgirl. The villains run in from the sides, and, before long, every extra in the movie is out there, too, all running towards the camera. Suddenly, Robin blacks out and falls. Chaos ensues as everyone else trips over him. Fade to black.
    The End
     
  22. Dark Carnage

    Dark Carnage Leo Zeppelin

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2002
    Messages:
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    [​IMG]

    Batman: I don't need prep-time.
     
  23. That-Guy

    That-Guy Registered

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2002
    Messages:
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    Kelley Jones's Batman: Do you think extra long ears have a slimming effect on me?

    Alfred: Instead of the usual tuxedo, I think today I'll wear my 1970's John Travolta polyester leisure suit.

    The Reaper: I give hope to geriatric supervillains everywhere!

    Two-Face: Hi there. You might recognize the left half of my face from the award winning film, "The English Patient."

    Cluemaster: Would someone kill my daughter, please?
     
  24. The Navigator

    The Navigator Registered

    Joined:
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    Yeah, that Batman Sucks Forever was hilarious...

    Batman: I think I'll go take some valium.

    Robin: Oh, you know you like it, bat-pole...

    Oracle:...staring at this computer all day's giving me a headache.

    Alfred: And now it's off to Moe's...

    Joker: Maybe i should skip these complicated death traps and just shoot him in the face.

    Riddler: ....and welcome to another edition of "Who Wants to Be a Millionare!"

    Catwoman: I'm a fetish.

    Scarecrow:[email protected], this cowl itches...

    Bane: Lousy chiropractor...I could do a better job than that...!

    Gordon: Maybe it's time I carried a magnum and started asking people if they felt lucky...

    Harvey Dent: I need a better last name.

    Poison Ivy: Maybe I should learn to love men for who they are, instead of being shallow and wanting their body...

    ;)
     
  25. DarkKnightJRK

    DarkKnightJRK Registered

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2004
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    Batman: Hi, Freeze, I'm Batman!

    ...nevermind...
     

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