Things Batman Would Never Say

Jason Todd: Yep, I'm still dead.

HAHAHAHAHA!!

 

Joker:I'll never laugh again.

Riddler:Riddle me this...Riddle me that...Whos afraid of the Big Black Bat?(wait a mintue..)

Batman:Im glad my parents are dead.

Alfred: (after being asked whats for dinner)PB&J B****ES!!!

Mr.Freeze:Is it cold in here,or is it just me?

Man-Bat:we "Man-Bats" have suceeded in the form of poetry and literature.

Bane:GRRR.....MONKEY WORK!!!!(wait a minute.....)

 

Batman : Got a damn jock itch , Alfred can you give me a hand.

 

Batman: I'm sorry Dick...but we can't go out anymore...

Dick: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

NEVER SAID, BUT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN:

*Batman after seeing Robin's costume for the first time*

"Are you dead f***ing serious with that costume?!"

 

Batman:Here robin slide down my batpole

 

Batman: O-TAY!

Alfred: Master Bruce, your costume needs more cowbell.

Robin: I wanna car! Chicks dig the car!

 

Penguin: Whats a bird?

Riddler: I cant figure out how to program this damn VCR!!

 

Alfred: "Yo Mista Wayne..that batsuit is TIGHT!"

 

Bruce Wayne in a circus full with people: Harvey, I am Batman! (oh, wait he did that )

 

alfred: You know your parents deserved it.

 

LMFAO...

 

BATMAN SUCKS FOREVER

An Original Screenplay

by

Greg Wyshynski, Michael Moyer, and Andrew Stanger

Summer 1997


INT. BATCAVE
Deep within the batcave, BATMAN and ROBIN are suiting up, including pulling their socks up, tying their shoelaces, zipping their pants, and buckling their belts. The BATMOBILE rises through a hole in the floor, and Batman steps in.
ROBIN
Why can't I have a car? Chicks dig the car.
BATMAN
This is why Superman works alone.
EXT. SKY ABOVE METROPOLIS - DAY
Cut to a shot of SUPERMAN, flying through the sky above a sprawling Metropolis.
SUPERMAN
I'm the Man of Steel!
A smaller figure, his sidekick, leaps into the scene.
ALUMINUM BOY
And I'm the Boy of Aluminum!
INT. BATCAVE
ROBIN
Don't wait up for us, Al.
ALFRED
(slurred)
If I'm lucky, I'll be out before ten...
He takes a long swig from a wine bottle.
ALFRED (CON'T)
...you arrogant twit.
The Batmobile speeds towards a crime scene.


EXT. A DESERTED ALLEY IN GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT
Two THUGS are walking down a poorly lit alley, carrying bags of money. They are shocked to see Batman and Robin approach from the shadows. Before the criminals can react, Batman grabs one by the throat and pushes him up against the wall.
1st Thug
(scared)
What are you?
Batman
I'm Batman.
Robin
And I'm...
A gunshot rings out and Robin, hit in the head, abruptly stops his introduction, falling out of view. The 2nd thug looks quite satisfied with himself as he holsters his weapon. He turns around but only sees his unconscious partner. Batman is nowhere to be found. He panics momentarily before he is attacked from behind by Batman and quickly rendered unconscious.
Batman walks over to Robin and pulls a vial from his utility belt, clearly labeled "BAT HEAD HEALER." He pulls out the cork, throws away the vial, and plugs the hole in Robin's head. Robin wakes up and gets to his feet.
Robin
Holy hole in my head, Batman.
(pause)
Look!
Batman walks over to the 1st Thug, who is lying unconscious. A folded black note with a green question mark emblem is clutched in his hand. Batman takes the note.
Batman
The Riddler! He must be up to his old tricks again. This note must be a vital clue which will tell us of his diabolical plans. Another of his unsolvable riddles.
Robin
What does it say?
Batman opens the note.
Batman
It says, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"


INT. BATCAVE
Inside the Batcave, Robin lies on a table surrounded by medical instruments. Batman hovers over him wielding forceps, trying to repair the damage to his head. Alfred walks in from off camera.
Alfred
Commissioner Gordon called while you were away sir. He wants you to go get me more liquor.
Batman
No...I don't think so.
Alfred picks up the bat-phone.
Alfred
Yes he did. He called on this right here and said...
He passes out.
Batman
You were lucky tonight, Dick. You could have gotten yourself killed. You can't take chances like that.
Robin
Just fix my head, okay? If I wanted a lecture, I would have stayed home with my parents.
Batman
Dick, your parents are dead.
Robin
Just fix the damn hole!
Batman
There, it's done. Stand up.
Robin gets up off the table. The hole in his head is covered with a Band-Aid. He touches the healing wound.
Batman
You should be fine. Just be careful. You suffered a massive head trauma and might be prone to sudden blackouts.
Robin
Blackouts? How often?
Suddenly Robin lets out a yelp. His hand covers his head where the wound is, and he falls to the floor, unconscious. Batman shakes his head, kneels down, and helps Robin up.
Batman
Just be careful.
Batman and Robin walk over to the bat-computer. Batman looks down at the Riddler's note, which is lying on a table. He picks it up and looks at it.
Batman
"Why did the chicken cross the road?" What does it all mean, Robin?
Robin
To get to the other side.
Batman
That's JUST what the Riddler wants us to think!
Robin
Let's see...Chicken...chickens have feathers. Feathers can tickle. When someone tickles you, you laugh...
Batman
That's it, Robin! Laugh! That fiendish clown the Joker must be up to something! What else do chickens have?
Robin
Chickens have beaks...
Batman
Not if you break them off.
Robin
Gee, Batman, you're right! Well, let's see. Chickens are birds...
Batman
Of course! Bird! Penguins are birds! The Penguin must be involved!
Robin
Penguins live in cold weather, it's a wonder they don't freeze.
Batman
Yes! Mr. Freeze is in on their little game as well!
Robin
But who else? "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Road...
Batman
You may be on to something, Robin. Perhaps the Riddler is playing a little word game. If we take the word "road" and remove the letters r, a, and d, and then add the letters p, i, s, o, n, space, i, v and y, we get the name of the insidious femme fatale, Poison Ivy!
Robin
Woah. What about some of the other words in the riddle? Cross...churches have crosses.
Batman
No, Robin. In the riddle, "cross" is used as verb, as in "to cross one's path," like a black cat.
Robin
Cat? Could Catwoman be involved too?
Batman
Good thinking, Boy Wonder! But I get the feeling that we're overlooking someone...
Alfred wakes up momentarily and tries to focus on the Dynamic Duo.
Alfred
Look at all the faces! One face, two face, three...
Batman
That's it! Two-Face. He would never miss out on such a meeting of the criminal minds.
Robin
Riddler, Joker, Penguin, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, Catwoman, and Two-Face. Holy unholy horde, Batman! That's quite a lineup!


INT. BATCAVE
Batman
Robin, we can't rush into any situation unprepared. I'll call up the files we have on each of the villains involved. Turn on the bat-computer.
Robin flips a switch on the computer, which hums up and declares, "You've got mail." Batman starts opening the files.
Batman
The Joker. Jack Napier. An underling in a huge crime family headed by Boss Grissom. We had a confrontation in the Axis Chemical Plant and he accidentally fell into a vat of green goo.
Robin
On purpose accidentally or accidentally?
Batman
A vat of green goo isn't my style. Dropping a man off the top of a cathedral, that's my cup of tea. Anyway, he fell into the vat of green goo. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal killer clown.
Robin
From outer space.
Batman
Uh, no.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
THE JOKER walks around his secret hideout nervously, awaiting the arrival of his guests. He is periodically checking on snacks, drinks, etc.
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
Harvey Dent. A district attorney, and member of the NAACP, he was trying the case of a big time mobster when he was splashed in the face with acid.
Robin
NAACP? But Two-Face is white.
Batman
Right, and that acid disfigured half his face. Then he tumbled out a window into a vat of tooth whitener. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal two-faced terror.
Robin
And...
Batman
And what?
Robin
And he murdered my trapeze artist family in cold blood during a circus performance, forcing me to team up with you and become the Dynamic Duo.
Batman
Oh yeah, that's right!
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it, and TWO-FACE enters the hideout.
Two-Face
We're glad to see you.
Joker
Well hello and hello!
Two-Face
What's on the menu this evening?
Joker
(to his right side)
Well for you, there's sparkling champagne, yummy poached salmon with little itty bitty quail eggs, and a creamy, dreamy lemon souffle.
(to his left side)
And for you, there's a charred heart of black boar, a side of raw donkey meat, and a sterno and grain alcohol, straight up. Or if you just want to snack, there's Chex mix and wine coolers over there.
Two-Face
Joker, you're the Martha Stewart of crime.
Joker
Oh, I do what I can.
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
Poison Ivy. She used to be Pamela Isley, a botanist from South America.
Robin
Why did she go to South America to study batons?
Batman
A botanist studies plants, Dick. Anyway, she was attempting to create a hybrid of a snake and a flower.
Robin
WHAT!? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Yeah, a man-eating plant! Right! Yeah, and let's make it sing too! A singing man-eating plant! I'm sure everyone would be into THAT, right?
Batman
So she's just strolling along and she slips and falls into a vat of venom and chlorophyll. Somehow she survived...but she was changed. Into a maniacal plant woman.
Robin
But WHAT a woman! Va-va-va-VOOM!
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it, and POISON IVY steps in.
Poison Ivy
Am I late?
Joker
Are you...c'mon on in here you little sapling! Listen, I didn't know what you like to eat, ya know, whether you're a vegetarian or whether you just eat meat.
Poison Ivy
I don't eat either really, mostly just candy.
Joker
Oh great! Well, there's butter scotch suckers in the dish on the endtable and I'll bring out my famous Rice-Krispie treats ala Joker in a bit.
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
Mr. Freeze. Formerly Victor Fries.
Robin
It say "fries" on the screen.
Batman
It's pronounced "Freeze."
Robin
Yeah, OK, so after this, let's get some burgers and "freeze."
Batman
Fries was a cryogenist who...
Robin
Fell into a vat of cryogenic fluid?
Batman
No. He fell into a vat of ice cubes.
Robin
And he didn't just die of hypothermia?
Batman
Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal master of frozen doom.
Robin
Just like Ben and Jerry.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it to reveal MR. FREEZE. Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake" is heard playing in the background.
Joker
Hey! It's the coolest guy I know!
Freeze
(in a heavy Austrian accent)
Ice to see you. Cool place you have here.
Joker puts his arm around Mr. Freeze.
Joker
Yeah, yeah. Now there's Chex party mix and wine coolers over there and if you need to stand inside the refrigerator for a while, just move the Sunny Delight over to the second shelf, okay?
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
The Riddler. Edward Nygma. A computer programmer who, while trying to discover if his favorite Chinese restaurant used MSG, fell into a vat of fortune cookies. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal maniac.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
Riddler
Knock, knock!
Joker
Who's there?
Riddler
Orange.
Joker
Orange who?
The RIDDLER bursts in through the door.
Riddler
Orange you glad I remembered to bring Pictionary?
Joker
Hey, who isn't? How've you been?
Riddler
Well, I'm still in the middle of that copyright infringement suit against the Puzzler, but other than that I'm smmmmmmokin'!
Joker
Yeah, okay, anyway, there's Chex Mix and wine coolers and, uh, try not to mention Mr. Freeze's comatose wife--he's a little touchy about that for some reason.
Riddler
Allllllrighty then!
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
The Penguin. Oswald Cobblepot. He was born a freak flipper baby to rich parents during the War of the Roses. His mama threw him from a train, right into a vat of live penguins.
Robin
A vat of live penguins?
Batman
Yes. Evidently, traveling circuses used to keep their animals in vats to save on accommodation costs. Anyway, he fell into the vat of penguins. Somehow he survived...but he was changed. Into a maniacal killer birdman.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
There is a knock at the door. It swings open and PENGUIN walks through it squawking...and right past Joker.
Joker
Hi there...Pen...guin...
INT. BATCAVE
Batman
Catwoman. Selina Kyle. A secretary who suffered a horrible paper cut and fell out a window right into a vat of cats.
Robin
Circus cats?
Batman
No, just regular old alley cats that enjoyed living in a vat. Anyway, she fell into the vat of cats. Somehow she survived...but she was changed. Into a maniacal feline felon.
Robin
A whiskered warrior! A perpetrating *****! A...
Batman
Shut up Dick.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT
There is a knock at the door. Joker opens it and CATWOMAN steps through. She looks around.
Catwoman
Hi, Joker.
Joker
Did you find the place okay?
Catwoman
Surprisingly well for a secret hideout.
Joker
Well, everybody's in the back, there's Chex Mix and wine coolers. Just don't touch the stereo, okay?
Catwoman
Great, but where's the litter box? It was a long trip.
Joker
Second door on the left.
(to the back of the room)
Hey, who's up for Jenga?

 

INT. BATCAVE
Batman
With all of their powers combined, one can only imagine the kind of terror they could cause. I have to stop them!
Robin
WE have to stop them! When will you learn to trust me? And the next time we have to provide exposition and pathos for the villains, I want to do it! And I want a Robinmobile, and a Robin-signal, and...
Robin lets out a squeak and he blacks out.


INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
The villains are milling around talking amongst themselves.
Freeze
Cool outfit.
Catwoman
It's the cat's meow.
Freeze
You send chills up and down my spine.
Catwoman
That's because I'm prrrrrrfect.
Freeze
Me and you should find some place to chill.
Catwoman
I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
Two-Face
Hey what are you guys talking about?
Catwoman
Oh, someone who doesn't speak in catchphrases makes me feel simply cat-atonic.
Freeze
I usually give him the cold shoulder.
Two-Face
We can try. But our gimmick is only saying "we" instead of "I."
Catwoman
If you can't play the game, then tough kitty!
Freeze
Do you like rap? I like Ice Cube!
Two-Face
Don't be so two-faced!
There's a long silence. Freeze and Catwoman roll their eyes.
Catwoman
That was prrrrrfectly awful.
Freeze
Hell will freeze before you're funny.
Two-Face
That was really two-faced!
Catwoman
Your catchphrase is a cat-tastrophy!
Two-Face
Did you ever see The Mirror Has Two Faces?
Freeze
One more line like that, and I'll kick your ice!
The camera pans over to find Riddler talking to Poison Ivy.
Riddler
...so then I stole his brain waves and pushed him out a window.
They laugh.
Riddler (CON'T)
So, what's your plan for world domination?
Poison Ivy
Well, plants have been tormented by animals for long enough. It's time they had their chance. THIS little fellow is just the beginning of the botanical revolution I will bring about.
She points to a man-eating plant in a jar.
Riddler
What does it do? Does it sing?
Poison Ivy
(annoyed)
No it doesn't sing. It's a ferocious man-eating plant.
Riddler
It's pretty small, I don't think it could eat an entire person. Your plan is pretty lame.
Poison Ivy
Oh please. Is yours any better?
Riddler
Ha! I plan to do nothing less than steal the brain power from every citizen of Gotham! This BRAIN BOX will one day be on every TV in the city.
Poison Ivy
Brain box? It looks like a blender with Styrofoam in it!
Riddler and Ivy begin a shouting match, but are interrupted by the Joker.
Joker
Everyone! I think it's about time to call this little meeting to order!
The six others walk into the conference room.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - CONFERENCE ROOM
The main feature of the conference room is a big rectangular table. Joker sits down at the head. The others crowd around and take their seats.
Joker
Okay, first order of business. This meeting is supposed to be completely secret. I trust you all destroyed your invitations and told no one about our collaboration?
The camera pans around the table, and all of the villains nod in agreement, except the Riddler.
Riddler
Uh...define "no one."
Two-Face
What did you do, you imbecile?!
Riddler
Oh, well, nothing really. I just...kinda...left a riddle for Batman. Which, if properly deciphered, will...sorta...give him insight not only to our criminal partnership, but to this meeting as well.
Poison Ivy
And what makes you think that Batman WON'T decipher it?
Riddler
Well, it's pretty cryptic...and complicated...and...and cryptic.
Freeze
Well why did you leave it in the first place?
Riddler
It's a RIDDLE! It's what I DO for crying out loud!
Joker
Well, what's done is done. Now drop it. I suppose you all know the purpose of this gathering. We are here to put an end to Batman. That winged rodent has been our only obstacle for as long as we've been criminals. In fact, how many of us here were created because of the Caped Crusader?
Two-Face, Riddler, and Joker raise their hands.
Joker
Exactly. It's about time we take the bat by the wings and end his reign of do-goodery. I'm open to suggestions.
Mr. Freeze raises his hand.
Freeze
I will unleash a reign of freezing terror on the city! Batman will be buried beneath a mountain of ice! He will watch his beloved Gotham perish! No one will be untouched by my icy hand of doom! I will destroy, destroy, DESTROY the bat! First Gotham! Tomorrow the world! KILL the heroes! KILL THEM!!!
Joker
Whoa, Tiger! Let's just, uh, cool down, okay? How about something a little more subtle. I don't think Gotham is any good to us freeze-dried.
Poison Ivy raises her hand and waits until she has everyone's attention.
Poison Ivy
I suggest we unleash an army of my man-eating plants on the...
Riddler
Oh, SHUT UP! Behold! The brain box! This device, if properly distributed, will let us control every mind in...
Poison Ivy and Riddler get into another shouting match.
Joker
Hey! Put Audrey II and the blender away. Anyone else? Penguin?
Penguin starts squawking and gesturing meaningfully. The other villains stare in disbelief. Black goo begins dripping from his mouth and he starts choking. He keels over and dies. There is an awkward pause.
Joker
Any other plans? No? Good. I'm glad I came up with my OWN scheme to rid us of Batman. What's the one thing that will bring Batman out in the open and right into our trap?
Catwoman
Cheese?
Two-Face
CHEESE?! What do you mean cheese, you idiot!
Joker
Besides cheese. How about...a damsel in distress to bring out the knight in shining rubber? I believe our dear Mr. Freeze has prepared a small slide show for us.
Freeze
Lights!
The lights dim and slide one flicks onto a screen. It's a picture of a young woman surrounded by what looks like heavy fog. The woman is quite attractive, except for her teeth, which are dirty yellow.
Freeze
This is Ashley McSmoke, the spokesmodel for Gotham Cigarettes. If we kidnap her, the cigarette industry would crumble.
Two-Face
Don't be stupid! Those nicotine-addicted Gothamites would keep buying cigarettes whether the spokesperson was an attractive woman or a big fat smelly camel!
Slide two shows a woman in a suit jotting something down on a pad she's carrying. She looks remarkably like Kim Basinger.
Freeze
This is Vicki Vale, a reporter for the Gotham Times. If we kidnap her...
Joker
No no no! That would never work.
Freeze
Without her, Gotham's...
Joker
NO! Trust me. It wouldn't work.
Slide three. Mr. Freeze himself is on screen, wearing knee high rubber boots and carrying a fishing pole. A large fish is strung up behind him.
Freeze
Whoa! That's me at Cape Cod. I don't know how that got in there...
Slide four is a photograph of a tall, gorgeous brunette walking down the runway in a fashion show.
Joker
Stop the press! Who's that?
Freeze
This is Leggy Supermodel, Gotham's leading sex symbol and girlfriend of millionaire Bruce Wayne.
Joker
Yes! She's perfect! When word gets out that we've abducted her, Batman will do anything to save her. Even...reveal his secret identity! Then he will be powerless!
All the villains laugh maniacally.

 

EXT. WAYNE MANOR - THE NEXT DAY
LEGGY SUPERMODEL rings the doorbell and waits patiently. Presently the door opens and Alfred is standing there.
Alfred
Ah, Miss Supermodel, Master Bruce is expecting you. Come in.
Leggy
Thank you.
She steps inside.
INT. WAYNE MANOR
Alfred
May I take off your clothes?
Leggy
Excuse me?
Alfred
May I take off your coat?
Leggy
Uh...certainly.
Bruce Wayne joins her as Alfred leaves wearing her coat.
Bruce
How delightful to see you, Leggy. Shall we dine?
INT. WAYNE MANOR - DINING ROOM
Cut to Bruce and Leggy eating dinner. They are sitting at the dining room table facing each other.
Bruce
Alfred, could you bring us more wine, please?
Alfred
No, Master Bruce. I'm afraid I drank it all this afternoon.
Bruce
Alfred, there were 30 bottles in the wine cellar this morning.
Alfred
Funny, I counted 32.
He walks away.
Leggy
Bruce, there's something we need to discuss. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Marry me.
Bruce
Leggy, I'm sorry...I can't.
Leggy
Why not?
Bruce
Because I'm Batman.
Leggy
You're Batman? But why didn't you tell me?
Bruce
(shrugging)
It never came up.
Leggy
Bruce, I need some time to think this over. I've got to go.
Bruce and Leggy stand up. Bruce is revealed to have been wearing Batman's cape the entire time!
Bruce
Alfred? Could you please show Leggy to the door?
Alfred
Of course, sir.
(to Leggy)
You know he's not the only one with black tights...
As Alfred escorts Leggy towards the door, Dick Grayson walks by, looking upset.
Dick
Hey Al, where's Bruce?
Alfred just stands there looking confused.
Dick (CON'T)
Nevermind...
EXT. WAYNE MANOR
Alfred opens the door for Leggy, who leaves. She walks down the path from Wayne Manor. Suddenly, a voice is heard from off camera.
Joker
Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?
Leggy
What?
Joker
I always ask that of all my prey. I just like the sound of it.
Leggy
I don't get it.
Joker
Well...uh...Twinkie?
A hand, holding a Twinkie, appears from off camera. Leggy stops, looks at the Twinkie with wide eyes, and follows it off camera. We hear her being kidnapped.

 

INT. WAYNE MANOR - THE STUDY
Bruce is sitting on a couch, relaxing after dinner. He is interrupted when Dick storms into the room.
Dick
Why can't you just trust me?!
Bruce
Listen, Dick, you nearly got killed in that fight with the Riddler's henchmen. You can't expect me to let you...
Dick
I'm not talking about that!
Bruce
Then what...?
Dick holds up a toaster, its plug dangling behind. On the toaster is a hand-written note which reads, "Dick, stay away!"
Dick
Why don't you ever let me use the damn toaster?! We're family, dammit, and you should trust me! What, do you think I'll burn the house down making some freakin' Pop-Tarts?


INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - SIDE ROOM
Pop-Tarts shoot up from a toaster, and one is grabbed by Mr. Freeze. The camera follows him until it reveals...Leggy Supermodel! She is tied up in a chair, surrounded by Poison Ivy, Catwoman, Two-Face, and now Freeze. Freeze takes a bite of the Pop-Tart.
Freeze
Mmm...so hot they're cool.
Leggy
What do you want from me, you vile fiends?
Poison Ivy
We already have what we want from you, honey. Once Batman finds out one of Gotham's favorite citizens has been kidnapped, he'll be forced to give in to our demands.
Catwoman
And once he reveals his secret identity to us, we will be able to...
Leggy
Secret identity? But he's Bruce Way...
Freeze
Silence! Hasn't anyone ever told you it's not polite to interrupt? Wait your turn!
Two-Face
Wait a minute. What if Batman doesn't reveal his identity? What if he tries to rescue her instead?
Catwoman
Don't be ridiculous. He could never find Joker's hideout.
Leggy
Uh, hello? Is anyone listening? Batman is really Bru...
Freeze
If you interrupt us again, we might have to put you on ice!
Leggy
Listen, Mr. Freezer, or whatever your name is. I just want to cooperate. I'll tell you Batman's secret ident...
Poison Ivy
That's it! Freeze?
Mr. Freeze takes a piece of duct tape and places it squarely over Leggy's mouth. She mumbles insistently, but no one can understand what she's saying.
Two-Face
Let's go get our bat-trap ready.
Freeze
(to Leggy)
Don't go anywhere. I'll be back.
They begin filing out the door, but Catwoman stops under the doorframe and looks up at some hanging mistletoe. She concentrates on it for several seconds, almost mesmerized.
Catwoman
Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Two-Face
Who the hell eats mistletoe? Don't be a moron!
Suddenly the Riddler jumps into view from behind the door and points at Catwoman.
Riddler
Loo-hoo, zeh-her!


INT. WAYNE MANOR - THE STUDY - NIGHT
Bruce Wayne is reading a book by the window, looking solemn. The room is dark. Dick Grayson walks in.
Dick
Bruce, I was playing down in the cave and look what I found!
Bruce
Why, it's my old bat-night vision goggles!
He puts them on.
Bruce (CON'T)
Oh look, I can see the entire...
Suddenly, an unbelievably bright light filters through the window.
Bruce (CONT'T)
Whoaaaaaaaa!
He rips off the goggles.
Dick
Bruce, it's the Batsignal!
The Batsignal is seen shining brightly through the window.
Bruce
Commissioner Gordon needs me! God bless the Batsignal, a beacon that calms the worried masses, that reassures their safety, that...
Dick
I want a Robin-signal.
Bruce
Shut up, Dick! You, stay here! Me, to the Batcave!
Dick
Why can't I come? Aren't I your partner? Don't you trust me?
Bruce
Yeah, uh, sure I trust you...but listen, I'm Alfred's sponsor and with me away, who's going to keep him on the wagon?
Dick
On the...Alfred hasn't even SEEN the wagon, Bruce! You don't trust me!
Bruce
Of course I trust you. That's why you have the most important job in the world--watching the cave while I'm away.
Bruce walks away.


INT. POLICE HQ - COMMISSIONER GORDON'S OFFICE
COMMISSIONER GORDON is sitting at his desk fiddling with some pencils. His secretary's voice is heard over the intercom.
Secretary
Commissioner, Batman is here to see you.
Gordon
(sounding very much like Droopy Dog)
Does he have an appointment?
Batman walks in.
Batman
I think that signal in the sky is appointment enough.
Gordon
Signal? Oh yeah! Batman, we received a video tape from the Joker. But then we taped over it by accident. But luckily, Blockbuster Video had several copies. I think you should see this.
He turns on the TV and the tape begins to play. The Joker appears on the set.
Joker
Joker here. Before I go on with this ransom demand, I'd like to thank our sponsors. Texaco, star of the American road, and Budweiser, the King of Beers, who proudly gives the Budweiser Villain of the Week award to Lex Luthor for unleashing a mutant cockroach on Metropolis. Great going, Lex.

Now let's get down to business. We have abducted Leggy Supermodel. She is being held in our secret hideout, located in downtown Gotham, 13...
Voice off Camera
Shut up you idiot!
Joker
Right. We will force feed Leggy until she is grotesquely obese, thus ruining Gotham's fashion advertising industry, unless our demands are met.
Batman
What are their demands?
Joker
Our demands are simple. We want Batman, where ever he is, to come forward and reveal his secret identity. Do you hear me Batman? Find us, if you can, and save Miss Supermodel, or else the joke will be on her.
He laughs maniacally.
Batman
This doesn't make any sense.
Gordon
Joker gives clowns a bad name.
Batman
If they wanted me to find them, why would they make their hideout a secret?
Gordon
Bozo, now there was a clown.
Batman
It's just common sense that if you're going to lure a man to his death, you should at least tell him where he's being lured.
Gordon
Always making balloon animals for the children, throwing pies in his face.
Batman
I've got to save Leggy.
Gordon
He was so much fun...until the drinking started.
Batman
Joker mentioned downtown Gotham.
Gordon
That's the bad part of town, Batman. You be careful.
Batman
You're right! I'd better leave the Batmobile home. I can't afford to have my hubcaps stolen again.
Batman is seen running through the streets of Gotham and fighting villains, courtesy of the Batman Nintendo game.

 

This story is hilarious.

 

EXT. A DARK ALLEY IN DOWNTOWN GOTHAM - NIGHT
Batman rushes into the scene, walking along the wall of the alley.
Batman
Those fiends have carefully hidden their lair. I can only hope for...some...miracle...
Batman peers to the top of a doorway in back of him. A sign with the words "Hideout Entrance" hangs above it.
Batman
Well, OK...
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
Batman enters the hideout. All the villains are crowded in a corner around a faint blue glow. Batman sneaks by them and into the Side Room, where Leggy is tied up.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - SIDE ROOM
Batman begins untying Leggy.
Batman
What are they all doing?
Leggy
It's "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel.
Batman
Oh, Shark Week! I hope Robin set a tape.
He looks over his shoulder through the door.
Batman (CON'T)
Uh oh, commercial!
The villains turn around and see Batman and Leggy.
Poison Ivy
(to Riddler)
So, your riddle was "cryptic," was it?
Batman grabs Leggy, runs back into the Main Room, and confronts the villains.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
Batman
Hi Joker, Two-Face, Catwoman, Riddler, Freeze and Ivy...I'm Batman.
Villains
We know!
Riddler
Riddle me this Batman...what's black and white and red all over?
Batman
A newspaper...or a bloody zebra.
He kicks the Riddler in the stomach, and he falls.
Joker
Ever dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight?
Batman
What?
Joker
I always ask that of...
Batman
No, I mean what the hell does that mean?
Joker
C'mon, it's my catchphrase! Why is everybody so down on my...
Batman
Whatever...
He slugs him.
Poison Ivy
Enough of this brutality. How about a kiss?
Catwoman
Or would you preferrrrr a nice whipping?
Batman
(To Leggy)
I could never hit a lady.
Leggy
No problem.
She kicks Poison Ivy and punches Catwoman.
Batman
Thanks babe.
Two-Face
We got next!
Batman gives him a left...
Batman
One for you.
...then gives him a right.
Batman (CON'T)
And one for you!
Batman and Leggy begin to run away. They are blocked by Mr. Freeze.
Freeze
Freeze, Batman! You're not going anywhere!
Batman
Hi Freeze, I'm...
Freeze
We already did that.
Batman
Right. See what I have here?
He holds up a diamond.
Freeze
That could power my suit for years!
Batman
Fetch.
He throws the diamond off to the side, and Freeze scrambles after it. Batman raises his grappling hook and grabs Leggy around her waist.
Leggy
You wasted a perfectly good diamond?
Batman
Don't worry, it was only cubic zirconium.
Freeze grunts and collapses behind them. Batman fires his grappling hook up in the air, only to have it fall right back down to the ground. He takes Leggy by the hand and runs out the door. The villains rise up off the ground and regroup.
Catwoman
We lost the bat!
Poison Ivy
And the hostage!
Two-Face
We'll never find a way to lure him to us again!
Suddenly, Robin bursts into the hideout.
Robin
Unhand her you fiends!
The villains have their backs turned to him, and slowly turn to face him.
Robin
Holy...crap.


INT. BATCAVE
Batman rushes into the BATCAVE. He sees a note left on a console. He picks it up and begins reading it aloud.
Batman
"Dear Batman," Batman spelled wrong, "why won't you trust me? To prove myself, I've gone to save Leggy. If I see you there please disregard this note. Robin." Yeah, like I'm gonna let him use the toaster NOW.


INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - SIDE ROOM
Robin is tied to a chair. He struggles and struggles but finally slips out of his binds. He begins to run out when he is stopped by Poison Ivy.
Poison Ivy
Where are you flying, Birdboy?
Robin
Uh...nowhere.
Poison Ivy
Running to find me?
Robin
Uh...no.
Ivy blows her pheromones into Robin's face.
Poison Ivy
How about now?
Robin
Now? Now my face is covered in pheromones.
Poison Ivy
Enough talk...more action. How about I plant a kiss on those sweet, sidekick lips?
Robin
Well, I...
He gets cut off as Ivy kisses him. We see her eyes roll as she deposits her poison onto the Boy Wonder. She releases.
Poison Ivy
There's something you should know...I'm poison!
Robin
(very muffled)
There's something YOU should know. I was wearing wax lips!
The camera pans around to show Robin wearing a pair of big red wax lips! He spits them out. Joker walks in.
Joker
How did our little friend get loose? I think it's time we ground this bird for good. Ivy...warm up the buzzsaw...and set up the TV studio.


INT. WAYNE MANOR - TV ROOM - NIGHT
Leggy walks into the room. Bruce is sitting in a bathrobe, drinking a beverage, wearing his slippers...and his Batman cowl! He is watching the news.
TV Anchorman
More on the deaths of Candy Walker and Amanda Keeler later. Our top story tonight deals with the imminent death of Robin, the Boy Wonder. The video you are about to see was given to us by Gotham's Clown Prince of Crime, the Joker.
A video of Robin begins playing. He is tied to a buzzsaw trap, and looks quite distressed. He struggles against the straps holding him down, to no avail.

Bruce, unconcerned, picks up a newspaper and begins reading.
Leggy
What the...Bruce, what are you doing?
Bruce
I'm reading the Gotham Times, why?
Leggy
Shouldn't you be out saving Robin?
Bruce
Oh, c'mon! He's the "Boy Wonder!" He can take care of himself.
Leggy
Isn't he about to get sawn in half?
Bruce
I've been in enough buzzsaw traps to know those things take forever to get to you.
Leggy
I thought you two were supposed to be family.
Bruce
Hey! I love Dick! I never want to hear anybody ever say I don't love Dick!
Leggy
Then save him.
Bruce
Oh, all RIGHT! Nag nag nag...
Bruce gets up and leaves.


EXT. ALLEY BEHIND JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MORNING
Batman is lurking around the outside of the hideout, once again searching for a way inside.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
The villains crowd around the door to the hideout, all anticipating Batman's entrance.
EXT. BEHIND JOKER'S HIDEOUT
Batman reaches the door.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
There's a knock. Joker opens the door to reveal...a PIZZA DELIVERY BOY.
Boy
I have a half pepperoni, half green pepper...frozen solid.
Freeze
Oh, that is mine.
He goes to the door and gets the pizza. Joker follows and peers out the door.
Joker
Did you happen to see a man dressed as a bat out there?
Boy
Is this a joke?
Joker
Does it look like I'm joking?
Boy
That'll be...
Joker slams the door in his face.
Freeze
They forgot my frozen crazy bread.
EXT. BEHIND JOKER'S HIDEOUT
Batman continues to lurk outside the hideout. Finally he reaches a door labeled "SECRET ENTRANCE TO TORTURE ROOM"
Batman
Just think how hard this would be if I wasn't dealing with idiots.
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - TORTURE ROOM
Batman enters the room, only to see a bare table with unbuckled leather straps on it.
Batman
Robin! Dear God, no! My partner, my friend! Why? Why did they take him from me? Robin, I'm sorry I waited so long to save you! I'll remember the good times--bogey boarding on Gotham Lake, toasting marshmallows on the Batmobile's turbo engine...
Robin enters behind him.
Robin
Batman?
Batman
Playing bat-air hockey...
Robin
Batman!
Batman
Robin! Little buddy!
He hugs Robin.
Batman (CON'T)
Thank God you're okay! I love you!
Robin
Please. Not in the tights, Bruce, not in the tights.
Batman
C'mon Robin, let's go.
Robin
Wait! You still don't trust me, do you? That's why you waited so long to save me!
Batman
Friend. Brother. Partner. Will you help me?
Robin
NO! Not until you say you trust me.
Batman
I, uh, I trust you.
Robin
Like you mean it.
Batman
I trust you.
Robin
And I'll let you use the toaster.
Batman
But the coils get so hot!
Robin
And I'll let you use the toaster!
Batman
And I'll let you use the toaster.
Robin
Let's rock!
INT. JOKER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
The villains continue to guard the door.
Poison Ivy
They're not showing up.
Two-Face
We think you're right.
Riddler
Well this sucks.
Catwoman
Maybe we should have given him directions.
The villains begin to walk away. Suddenly, The Dynamic Duo burst through the door. The villains spin to see them.
Batman
Looks like it's the end of the line for you fiends!
Robin
Yeah, the end of the...
Robin lets out a squeak and blacks out. Batman drops down and tends to him, as the villains run over the heroes and out the door. Robin wakes up.
Robin
(delirious)
Did we win?
Batman
(mocking)
No, we didn't win! Come on, they're getting away!

 

EXT. A BUSY STREET IN GOTHAM - DAY
Batman and Robin chase the villains out of their hideout onto the streets of Gotham.
Robin
To the Batmobile!
Batman
Uh, Robin, there's something you should know.
Robin
Hey, where's the Batmobile?
Batman
Millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne decided to donate the Batmobile, given to him by his friend Batman...
Robin
Cut the crap! What did you DO?!
EXT. SIX FLAGS GREAT ADVENTURE THEMEPARK
The Batmobile sits on a raised dais in front of BATMAN: THE RIDE. The rollercoaster swoops into view and its passengers are heard screaming with glee.
EXT. A BUSY STREET IN GOTHAM
Robin
I see. Well, how are we supposed to catch the villains now? FLY after them?! We're not Superman and Aluminum Boy, you know!
Batman
Shut up, Dick. We'll take the other car.
Robin
You want to boost the jag?
Batman
No, Robin, the OTHER car...
Cut to the 1960s BATMOBILE speeding down a busy Gotham street. It soon gets stuck in traffic.
Robin
Holy gridlock, Batman! We'll never catch them at this rate!
Batman
Come on, Robin! Let's chase them on foot. These bat-boots were made for walking!


EXT. ANOTHER BUSY STREET IN GOTHAM - DAY
Batman and Robin are walking down the streets of Gotham, in pursuit of the fleeing criminals.
Robin
Did you see which way they went Batman?
Batman
No. Let's ask those pedestrians if they saw anything out of the ordinary.
The Dynamic Duo approaches three teens standing to the side of the road. At the sight of Batman, the youths start chattering excitedly.
Batman
Hello, young citizens of Gotham. We need your help.
1st Youth
Wow, it's Batman!
2nd Youth
I can't believe it!
3rd Youth
Batman, can I have your autograph?
Robin coughs, to draw attention.
1st Youth
(distractedly)
Hi, Dick.
Robin rolls his eyes and throws his hands in the air.
Batman
Kids, did you happen to see a maniacal, sadistic-looking clown come this way?
Robin
Or a green-clad venomous red-headed plant lady?
Batman
Or a large, cold ice man with a freeze gun?
Robin
Or a woman in black rubber with cat ears?
Batman
Or a slim green insane fellow covered in question marks?
Robin
Or a half normal, half monstrous guy flipping a coin?
Batman
Did we get 'em all?
Robin
Yeah, that's it.
The teens, who had been looking back and forth between the heroes, just stand there, mouths agape, and shake their heads.
Batman
Well, thanks anyway, kids.
Robin
Bruce, do you think my mask is too revealing? I think people can tell who I am.
Batman
Don't be silly, Robin. No one knows your true identity.
Passerby(1)
Hi, Dick.
Robin
Argh! I want a better mask. One that covers my whole face.
Passerby(2)
Hey, Dick.
Batman
Do you have any idea how much these full molded rubber masks cost? What, do you think I'm a millionaire or something?
Passerby(3)
Hi, Dick.
Robin
I don't even know these people! I have to do something about this.
Robin ducks off camera for a moment. When he comes back, he's wearing a brown paper bag with eye holes on his head.
Passerby(4)
Dick.
Robin tears off the bag.
Robin
How on Earth did you know I was Dick Grayson?
Passerby(4)
I didn't, I just thought you were a dick for wearing a bag on your head.
He continues on his way.
Batman
Robin, look! Mr. Freeze just ducked into that bar!
They run off camera after Freeze.


EXT. YET ANOTHER BUSY STREET IN GOTHAM - DAY
Just as Batman and Robin are about to walk in the door they look up and see a sign reading "The J. Schumacher Club." They enter.
INT. J. SCHUMACHER CLUB
The club is "hopping," with crazy dancing and colored lighting. Men in purple gorilla suits are swaying back and forth to the music in several places around the club.
Waitress
Anything I can do for you sir? Check your cape?
Waiter
Ringside table Batman?
Batman
Just looking thanks, I'll stand at the bar.
He walks up to the bar to find Alfred sitting there.
Alfred
(slurred)
Hey Baatmaann. Need your underwear ironed?
Batman
Um, actually I'll be in the back. I shouldn't wish to attract attention.
Batman and Robin make their way to the back.
Robin
Holy wool over our eyes Batman, we've lost him.
Batman
Yes Robin, but keep your eyes peeled, he always seems to...
Batman stops speaking as the song "Batusi A-Go! Go!" comes on. Batman and Robin stand up and lead the dancers in their rendition of the Batusi.
Batman
They're playing my song Robin.
Robin dances up to a female dancer.
Robin
Holy hole in a donut, Batman.
Batman
You've done it again Boy Wonder.
The Dynamic Duo continue dancing...
INT. J. SCHUMACHER CLUB - QUITE SOME TIME LATER
The club is much less "hopping" than it was earlier. Nearly all of the patrons have gone home except, of course, Batman and Robin. They are still dancing, and don't show any signs of slowing down.
Waitress
Batman, please. You've been dancing for hours. Why don't you just come back tomorrow night?
Suddenly, Mr. Freeze jumps up from behind a table. He pushes past the waitress and runs out the back door.
Robin
There he goes Batman!
Batman
After him Robin, after him!


EXT. AN ALLEY BEHIND THE CLUB - NIGHT
Batman and Robin chase Freeze out to the street. All the villains are lying in wait.
Joker
The joke's on you, Batman! You're outnumbered six to two!
Batgirl rushes onto the scene.
Batgirl
Six to three!
Batman
Who are you?
Batgirl
Bruce it's me, Barbara Gordon-Wilson-Pennyworth, Alfred's niece!
Villains
BRUCE?!
Batman
Thanks. Now why are you here and why are you dressed that way?
Batgirl
I'm Batgirl. Uncle Alfred gave me a disk with all the information about you and then I snuck into the Batcave, where Uncle Alfred had constructed an outfit for me in anticipation of my crime-fighting future.
Robin clears his throat for attention.
Batgirl
Hi Dick.
Batman
How did you get past the Batcave security system?
Batgirl
Uncle Alfred programmed his algorithms into the bat-computer and I asked his virtual being to turn off the alarm.
Batman
Programmed his...the guy has one sober moment in 40 years and he becomes Steven Hawking!
(to the villains)
Now the odds are a bit more even!
Another figure steps out of the shadows into the midst of the villains.
Scarecrow
Hey Batman.
Batman
Who are you?
Scarecrow
Don't you remember me, Batman? It was five years ago. You were blindly chasing after some two-bit thief on my farm. You were so obsessed, you didn't even notice when you PUSHED me into that vat of hay! Now, you can call me...the Scarecrow.
Batman
Hi, Scarecrow. I'm Batman. It's still only seven on three. I've fought my way out of worser situations than this.
Poison Ivy
We figured you'd say something like that.
Two-Face
That's why we invited some of our old friends!
Ridiculously, villain after villain emerges from the shadows.
King Tut
I'll send you running home to mummy, Batman!
Batman
Hi King Tut, I'm Batman.
Egghead
I'm going to put you in shell shock!
Batman
Hi Egghead, I'm Batman.
Bookworm
You're in a bind now, Batman!
Batman
Hi Bookworm, I'm Batman.
Archer
I'll make you quiver with fear, Batman!
Batman
Hi Archer, I'm Batman.
Clock King
Time to die, Caped Crusader!
Batman
Hi Clock King, I'm Batman.
Calendar Man
You have a date with death, Batman!
Batman
Hi Calendar Man, I'm Batman.
Clayface
I'm going to mold you a casket, Batman!
Batman
Hi Clayface, I'm Batman.
Ventriloquist
You can't defeat us, you dummy!
Batman
Hi Ventriloquist, I'm Batman.
Darth Vader
Bruce, I'm your father!
Robin
Noooooo!!!
Joker
That's sixteen to three, Batman! The only way we could be stopped now is if a bunch of aliens came and blew up the world!
Suddenly, a dark shadow falls across everyone. A bluish-green light illuminates the area. The heroes and villains gaze upwards. Cut to the ship from Independence Day firing its city-destroying laser into the heart of Gotham. Everyone is consumed in a lake of fire.


EXT. SOMEWHERE IN GOTHAM - NIGHT
Music slowly builds up over a black screen. At a climactic point in the score, the Batsignal flicks on, filling the field of view. Batman, silhouetted, runs in front of the light, and he is joined by Robin and Batgirl. The villains run in from the sides, and, before long, every extra in the movie is out there, too, all running towards the camera. Suddenly, Robin blacks out and falls. Chaos ensues as everyone else trips over him. Fade to black.
The End

 

Batman: I don't need prep-time.

 

Yeah, that Batman Sucks Forever was hilarious...

Batman: I think I'll go take some valium.

Robin: Oh, you know you like it, bat-pole...

Oracle:...staring at this computer all day's giving me a headache.

Alfred: And now it's off to Moe's...

Joker: Maybe i should skip these complicated death traps and just shoot him in the face.

Riddler: ....and welcome to another edition of "Who Wants to Be a Millionare!"

Catwoman: I'm a fetish.

Scarecrow:[email protected], this cowl itches...

Bane: Lousy chiropractor...I could do a better job than that...!

Gordon: Maybe it's time I carried a magnum and started asking people if they felt lucky...

Harvey Dent: I need a better last name.

Poison Ivy: Maybe I should learn to love men for who they are, instead of being shallow and wanting their body...

 

Batman: Hi, Freeze, I'm Batman!

...nevermind...