Things Batman Would Never Say

[Chris Wallace]

You know what would really complete this dark, spooky outfit I designed to intimidate and confuse criminals? A pair of briefs!

 

[htgriffin]

Bruce: "You know, I _really_ need therapy."

Dick: "Forget Babs, forget Kory, I want you Tim...."

Cassandra: Pretty much everything since OYL. I swear she's an impostor or someone else is running things inside her head.

HTG

 

[droogiedroogie2]

"Hey guys! Wanna go to bed early so we can get up for breakfast guys?"

 

[Cats]

Batman swoops down from the rooftops, and steathly yet swiftly takes out a group of crooks.

When they are downed, he stands over their fallen bodies and in his signature rasp whispers, "Oh my gawd, you guys are such n00bs! You were like totally pwned by me."

 

[Cats]

Alfred: Master Bruce, there's another little kid knocking at the door, wanting to be a part of the Bat-club.

Bruce: Does he have a costume?

Alfred: Yes.

Bruce: Is it colorful?

Alfred: Yes.

Bruce: Ok.

 

[Cats]

*In the middle of an overnight patrol, Batman watches over the streets of Gotham*
Batman: Ok I'm bored...

 

[Cats]

Woman: *runs from a crook* Help me!
Batman: Pass!


Batman: *to mechanic* Any colour is fine... except pink.

 

[AirKnight82]

Mr. Freeze - It's Slippery when wet!

Posion Ivy - Can you smell my delicate flower Batman?
--------------------------------------------------------------
-in the Batcave-

Batman: Robin we have been partners for a long time know, and its time for us to be more.

Robin (glance over to him): Um...what do you mean Batman, by partners. Cause if you mean by gay you know I'm into Barbra right!?!

Batman:Um...I just mean it is time for you to leave the cave and start being a different character like Owl, pidgeon, or nightwing perhaps.

Robin: Is it because of the new cock in the hen house? That other kid, Godd dammit I knew you'd change.

Batman: I haven't change, it's you that changed...(runs away like a girl crying)

Robin: Freakin ******, man, freakin ******.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Joker: I really got to stop kidding myself, I'm in love with you Batman.

Batman (drops to the ground and starts laughing)- You got to be joking, you the clown with the make up. Oh I get it your a drag clown.
____________________________________________________________

Harley Quinn: You know I always had a facination with poop! I don't know why but I like to sing it to sleep!

 

[JTStarkiller]

Alfred: I just ordered 10,000 nipples for the batsuit, sir.
Bruce: At least they gave us a discount.

I'm sure there were bat-nipple jokes before, but whatever.

 

[Batman]

Batman: Go **** yourself.
Robin: I'm tired from ****ing your wife.
Batman: How is your mother?
Robin: Good, she's tired from ****ing my father

 

[JTStarkiller]

Good movie.

 

[AirKnight82]

Batman: You have 60 seconds to saw through your leg penguin and reach that key over on the bookself before the toxic fumes enter from the over head pipes. (such a saw rip off)

 

[Bnightwing]

Bruce wayne to robin:Why is your name dick? your parents could of named you something like bob or jim but dick?!

Jim Gordon finding out bruce wayne is batman:BRUCE WAYNE?!?! man i thought batman was superman or something like that.... iam not gonna tell any1 who you are because i made a bet with the other police that you relly are like joke sorry

 

[AirKnight82]

Batamn after tripping over a box: Who the **** put that box right over there. Who in there right mind would just place a box in the middle of the floor, don't you freakin' people do your jobs, your *******s thats what you are, *******s. Do your job you dumb ****s!

 

[TheCaptain22555]

Dick: I'm tired of these J.O.'s thinking I'm f---ing feminine! People would s--t themselves if they knew I was plowing Selina AND Barbara....at the same time.

 

[AirKnight82]

Batman looking at the Joker and getting the cruel joke starts laughing and falls to the floor holding his sides: Joker thats just too funny... Okay go a head with your plan to give the Commish and Anal Prob!

 

[Spideyfan01]

Nightwing(About Jason Todd): what!? Batman replaced me with this little s***?! I hope he dies!

(Joker tells a sick joke)
Harley Quinn: That's not funny, Mista J.

Batman:Why the f*** is your name Robin!? Couldn't you think of a cooler name than that!?

 

[trustyside-kick]

Batman: "My bat-sense is tingeling."

 

[Prognosticator]

Batman: "Scream, or Papa-Spank!"

 

[batmaluco]

Batman: "Yabba dabba doo!"

 

[AirKnight82]

Batman: Hey Robin wanna slide down my Bat Pole?

 

[Cats]

Batman: Come, Robin, we must prepare for tomorrow night.
Robin: Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night.
Batman: Same thing we do every night, Robin. Try to take over the world!
Robin: Narf!

 

[Fisher02]

"Ooh, this rubber suit feels so goo-oodhhh!!"

 

[El Payaso]

"Quiet! Or papa spanks" ?

 

[cujo66]

I tried to check to make sure this isn't a repost but there are 49 pages to this thread and it it is a repost, it was over a year ago so you pobibly forgot by now.

BATMAN sits perched on a gothic tower in a thunderstorm, hunched next to gargoyle as rain drips off cowl. Behind him lightning slices through blackness, incandescent. He stares up at a dark cloud-harbored sky, where the batsignal floats as if on water.

BATMAN: [thinking] "If this is about the Joker again -- I swear..."

BATMAN sails through COMMISIONER GORDON’S open window and stands, cape encompassing body like a robe, eyes glowing as a huge looming shadow dancing on the walls of the office. He turns and faces the Commisioner.

BATMAN: "Don’t even ****ing say it. This is SO the ****ing Joker again, isn’t it?"

COMMISSIONER GORDON: [embarrassed, looking at feet] "Well..."

BATMAN: [tossing hands in the air] "My ****ING Christ, I knew it! You ******! how hard is it to keep this nut locked up? My God, do you even bother locking the doors? Here, watch—"

He crosses to front door of office, slams door loudly, makes big show of locking it.

"That’s how you lock a ****ing door! [clutching temples] My Jesus, I don’t believe this ****. In the ****ing rain on a Sunday, no less. The Cowboys are playing the Redskins as we speak. You know that, right? You’re aware that, if I had a choice, I would RATHER stay at home watching the Cowboys play the Redskins, instead of RUNNING AFTER A LUNATIC IN MY ****ING UNDERWEAR, YOU ****ING... IMBRED... ******?"

Long pause as Batman collapses on couch.

COMMISSIONER GORDER: "I just upholstered that with leather, actually. The... the rain and all—"

BATMAN gives COMMISSIONER a long hard stare, who doesn’t say anything more.

BATMAN: [lighting up a cigarette] "How did it happen this time? Fake moustache? Did he tell you he had to step out for smokes or something? **** me."

GORDON: "Actually, he disguised himself in janitor’s clothes... and... um well, just..." [feeling Batman’s hot stare on him] "...just walked out the front door, to be honest."

BATMAN: [taking long haul on cigarette] "Here’s an idea. No, I’ve got an idea, for real here, listen up. How about you don’t let any janitorial staff leave the building..." [he pauses to see he still has Commissioner’s full attention] "...who have BRIGHT GREEN ****ING HAIR AND CHALK WHITE SKIN!"

Commisioner Gorden cringes.

BATMAN: [getting up and pacing] "Honestly, sometimes I think you morons think this is funny or something, me chasing after this reject week after week after week. Do you have any idea how much a suit like this chafes in the rain? Oh, and by the way, he’s psychotic, you know that, yeah? I go to nab the guy last week, at the—"

COMMISSIONER GORDON: "—abandoned carnival—"

BATMAN: "—abandoned carnival, thank you, THERE’S a shock, by the way — I’m a detective, you know, I deserve better than this. The ****ing Hardy Boys get tougher cases than this. Anyway — I’m at the abandoned carnival, and naturally this mental-head’s made me chase him through all sorts of ****ed **** — big pools of liquid Smylex gas, this big gang of guys dressed like fetish clowns, that was weird — and I finally get to him, right, and he starts telling me jokes. Jokes! I mean, what the ****? Did he think I’d laugh? Ten seconds ago he’s pitching clown knives out of his cane at my ****ing forehead, and now it’s evening at the improv and I’m supposed to be all appreciative and clapping."

GORDON: "That’s pretty odd, yeah."

BATMAN: "Oh, did you think so? That’s funny, I don’t remember seeing you there. No, for some reason I only see you AFTER I arrest these lunatics, isn’t that funny? Yeah, that’s odd. Anyway…" [big sigh] "****ity **** **** ****. Okay, I’m off to the abandoned amusement park for the ten millionth time. This should be interesting. I hope he’s wearing pants this time. ****, remember last June? I couldn’t even cuff him I was so grossed out."

GORDON: "Mmmm."

BATMAN: "****. Okay, I’m going. ****."

Batman’s cape swirls, enveloping all light in the room as he moves, spectre-like to the window frame, leaping out of it, becoming invisible in the rain and low-flying clouds.

BATMAN: "****."