Advice and Relationships Again: A Hypester's Tale

[Erzengel]

So not to take away Dreadstar's awesomeness or anything, but....

I really can't describe how much things have escalated between Seattle girl and I. I can honestly say I've never had this with any girl before and it's barely been two weeks. Today I was (am) missing her to the point of physical discomfort. I told her the other day, "I'm switching my way of thinking from being upset that you're so far away to being thankful that you're in my life at all." and she agreed. Today she says, "Seriously, does this not being upset thing get easier? Cuz it's really difficult at the moment. Like, a lot."

The amount of 'I love you's has certainly increased and every time she says it (or we both say it), it feels completely crazy, ludicrous, and amazing. We're both just really looking forward to when I can finally go there or she can come back here and are focusing on the fact that being a part for so long is going to make that experience even more amazing. But..... ****. This is hard.

Anita, I know you're the foremost expert on long distance. Advice?

The funny thing is I've always said that trying to carry anything on long distance is dumb and I was also giving my sister **** a couple weeks ago but moving so fast with her boyfriend. Jokes on me, I guess.

It's going to take a lot of effort.

I dated someone who went to college 6 hours away and THAT I perceived as tough. I think Anita was about the same?

I can't imagine being 18 hour flight away. And especially you two being out of school professionals. I mean, I get 3 weeks off every year. That's not a lot of time and a lot of distance and obviously a lot of money. It's a lot of feast and famine of either being together or not. Not a lot of people can do it. BUT, I've known of people in different countries who've made it work, actually gotten married.

And I know you've only known each other for a short time but there is the inevitable question of who's going to move for who.

 

[Darthphere]

So do I, but it makes for a more interesting read.

It's easy. I'm not the not the pathetic one.

 

[Anita18]

I'm still wondering as to why this guy has yet to talk about any of these women having any descernible personality traits whatsoever. They all sound like holes for his c***, and not necessarily nice holes.

That part be right too.

My fiance, before he met me, dated a girl who went into stripping in the 2-3 months he dated her, and broke it off after she "changed completely" after this new career. And he's been with dorky skinny me for the last 4 years. Guys DO like personality!

It's going to take a lot of effort.

I dated someone who went to college 6 hours away and THAT I perceived as tough. I think Anita was about the same?

I can't imagine being 18 hour flight away. And especially you two being out of school professionals. I mean, I get 3 weeks off every year. That's not a lot of time and a lot of distance and obviously a lot of money. It's a lot of feast and famine of either being together or not. Not a lot of people can do it. BUT, I've known of people in different countries who've made it work, actually gotten married.

And I know you've only known each other for a short time but there is the inevitable question of who's going to move for who.

No, our distance was a lot shorter. 1 hour flight. And close/cheap enough on Southwest for him to stay over the weekend every 2-3 weeks. Plus he was an engineer and lived at home (when you work 80+ hours a week, why WOULD you spend $1600/month on your own apartment?!) so he had a lot of money. I suppose it's lucky that the startup he worked for didn't require working on the weekends. But I also imagine he'd tell them f*** off if they'd made that request and he had plans to see me.

I only get 2 weeks off a year, and during the time we lived apart, had an all-day Saturday class too. It wouldn't have made sense for me to go upstate to see him.

I think Willard already said that she'd be willing to move for him, since all she'd need was an internet connection for her PhD. But it's obviously a BIG step, uprooting yourself for a guy you only met two weeks ago. I mean, I'm sure it happens, but you both have really got to go into it with both eyes open about it.

I had friends in college who'd met in high school, now together 10 years. They went to different schools across the country and made it work. She was more of the typical (read: not super-independent) woman in a relationship and they called each other every night. They only got to see each other on school breaks, and she'd cry hysterically when he had to leave. I think what's important to making it work is to continually remind yourself what's so special about your partner and your relationship. After all, if you only wanted nookie, there's plenty in the vicinity, but you've really got something with this person. They're just far away, but what you have is super-special and that's why you're going to try to make it work.

 

[Erzengel]

6 hour drive for me. I'm guessing it was a 1 hour flight.

But the examples in high school/college is a little different than meeting when both of you are working and out of school. Not as much breaks, vacations etc.

And obviously, easier for your fiance as he was living at home as opposed to others who are paying rent and have to save to see someone every couple of months.

I'd recommend to Willard to hopefully do the LD for about a year and then bring up the subject of escalating the relationship. But, like I said, it'll be a lot of work and a lot of missing them.

 

[knowsbleed]

So... my friend wants me to go to this speed dating event with him. I not only told him no... but I asked him why he won't just hook me up with his sister. Has anybody done this before?

 

[Anita18]

6 hour drive for me. I'm guessing it was a 1 hour flight.

But the examples in high school/college is a little different than meeting when both of you are working and out of school. Not as much breaks, vacations etc.

And obviously, easier for your fiance as he was living at home as opposed to others who are paying rent and have to save to see someone every couple of months.

I'd recommend to Willard to hopefully do the LD for about a year and then bring up the subject of escalating the relationship. But, like I said, it'll be a lot of work and a lot of missing them.

Right. It was lucky then that we'd already been together for a number of years, so him making the decision to live with his parents (and them being close enough to his work to make it logical, also lucky) to save money to see me wasn't a hard one.

Yeah about a year sounds right to me. My sister dated someone for about 6 months before shacking up, but she'd be making a BIG move. It's a lot different when it's that far.

 

[Anita18]

So... my friend wants me to go to this speed dating event with him. I not only told him no... but I asked him why he won't just hook me up with his sister. Has anybody done this before?

Speed dating or hooking you up with his sister?

 

[knowsbleed]

Oh, I already know a few people who have hooked up with his sister (he doesn't know though so please keep it on the DL). As far as speed dating, I've only seen it on 40 year old virgin and it seems very traumatizing.

 

[Anita18]

Oh, I already know a few people who have hooked up with his sister (he doesn't know though so please keep it on the DL). As far as speed dating, I've only seen it on 40 year old virgin and it seems very traumatizing.

It can work out. I had a professor in college who met her husband speed-dating. She said that she had rejected a lot of guys over questions like, "What music do you like?" and decided partway through she should be less picky. And then the next guy in front of her eventually became her husband.

He's a good guy, she was there at our college on a trial basis (now there permanently....well aside from tenure ), they even moved into the on-campus professor housing with us students. Not many men would be willing to move around for the wife's job.

 

[knowsbleed]

I'm wary of anything related to an event specifically organized for singles. It seems to reek of desperation. Besides, I'm still trying to sell myself on this whole single-for-the-rest-of-my-life-due-to-laziness thing I'm going for. I think I can stick to it, I'm devoted like that.

 

[Erzengel]

Favorite Star Wars Movie?

Um, Jedi?

Next!!!

 

[Anita18]

Favorite Star Wars Movie?

Um, Jedi?

Next!!!

I joked about reconsidering the engagement when my fiance admitted he did not know who John Williams was.

He's lucky he's cute and makes me breakfast.

 

[The Guard]

The longest long-distance relationship I ever had was an hour away, and that was hard enough. I've never been able to see myself in one, but I respect people who can make it work.

 

[Anita18]

The longest long-distance relationship I ever had was an hour away, and that was hard enough. I've never been able to see myself in one, but I respect people who can make it work.

Wut. That's weaksauce. That's when my fiance and I were first starting to get serious. Sure we couldn't see each other every day, but our jobs were such that we'd probably be too tired after work anyway. Weekend-only (and later, weekend-long) dates were fine by us.

I think making plans to see each other every day is EXHAUSTING. The once-a-week thing was fine with us. And now we live in a tiny studio apartment with no privacy and that's working out too, because we know each other's quirks and such.

 

[AndrewGilkison]

Wut. That's weaksauce. That's when my fiance and I were first starting to get serious. Sure we couldn't see each other every day, but our jobs were such that we'd probably be too tired after work anyway. Weekend-only (and later, weekend-long) dates were fine by us.

I think making plans to see each other every day is EXHAUSTING. The once-a-week thing was fine with us. And now we live in a tiny studio apartment with no privacy and that's working out too, because we know each other's quirks and such.

Do you think that distance apart strengthened your relationship? Whereas if you spent everyday with each other the relationship would've burned out?

 

[Anita18]

Do you think that distance apart strengthened your relationship? Whereas if you spent everyday with each other the relationship would've burned out?

Hm, I don't really think of it quite in that way. Both of us are extreme introverts, so going out we consider to be work. It takes effort, it makes us tired. By the time we were seeing each other more often (ie, him staying over the weekend), we had gotten comfortable enough with each other, that we didn't have to worry about impressing the other person, which is what you kind of do when you "go out" with someone. And if you're only seeing someone for a few hours at a time, there's a bit of implicit pressure to make sure they have a good time. Which, with him, is a fool's errand. Nobody can make sure he has fun. The only thing I can do is make sure he isn't particularly miserable in a social situation.

I think if one of us was a lot more extroverted, it certainly wouldn't have felt as comfortable as our relationship has been. I sometimes go out with my friends without him, but it certainly isn't an everyday thing, or even an every-week thing. I think if one person feels the need to go out every night, while the other person likes to stay home instead, there might be some friction.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

So not to take away Dreadstar's awesomeness or anything, but....

Nothing could ever do that!

The funny thing is I've always said that trying to carry anything on long distance is dumb and I was also giving my sister **** a couple weeks ago but moving so fast with her boyfriend. Jokes on me, I guess.

Yeah I think that's a lesson we could all stand to learn

No matter how much talk we give on here, as advice or otherwise... we're just as capable of being hit by cupid's arrow as the next person, and doing things we would have scolded ourselves for before

I so hope it works for you tho. It'd be cool if you can prove past Willard wrong

 

[steintym]

The longest long-distance relationship I ever had was an hour away, and that was hard enough. I've never been able to see myself in one, but I respect people who can make it work.

Same here, the longest long-distance relationship for me was about 1 1/2 hours away and that was difficult. It was when I went away to college and my high school girlfriend was still back at home. In hindsight, we probably should have ended it, but we tried to make it work.

 

[WillardNation]

I think Willard already said that she'd be willing to move for him, since all she'd need was an internet connection for her PhD. But it's obviously a BIG step, uprooting yourself for a guy you only met two weeks ago. I mean, I'm sure it happens, but you both have really got to go into it with both eyes open about it.

I'd recommend to Willard to hopefully do the LD for about a year and then bring up the subject of escalating the relationship. But, like I said, it'll be a lot of work and a lot of missing them.

Definitely. If she offered right now, I would definitely tell her to wait. Because, as much as I would love to spend (a lot) more time with her, I'm also a rational human being. I'm not going to let you uproot your entire life to START a relationship.

Yeah I think that's a lesson we could all stand to learn

No matter how much talk we give on here, as advice or otherwise... we're just as capable of being hit by cupid's arrow as the next person, and doing things we would have scolded ourselves for before

I so hope it works for you tho. It'd be cool if you can prove past Willard wrong

This definitely hit me by surprise. I certainly wasn't searching for girlfriend but she came a long and we hit it off great. I just got done talking to her on the phone for about an hour (Which is a pretty huge thing in itself; I detest talking to anybody on the phone. Even some of my closest friends.) and we both said one of the things we liked about each other is that we can be completely upfront and authentic about everything. There are no games or anything like that. I just feel completely comfortable with her. And she does with me. We're just totally open about thoughts, feelings, etc. It's awesome and very refreshing.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

That part be right too.

My fiance, before he met me, dated a girl who went into stripping in the 2-3 months he dated her, and broke it off after she "changed completely" after this new career. And he's been with dorky skinny me for the last 4 years. Guys DO like personality!

Or, if not we'll just make up a bunch of sh** about your personality from the times we've halfway listened to you, and, I dunno, heard you liked Maroon 5.

The funny thing to me is Dreadstar has already told us he doesn't consider either to be that attractive.

 

[Erzengel]

Wut. That's weaksauce. That's when my fiance and I were first starting to get serious. Sure we couldn't see each other every day, but our jobs were such that we'd probably be too tired after work anyway. Weekend-only (and later, weekend-long) dates were fine by us.

I think making plans to see each other every day is EXHAUSTING. The once-a-week thing was fine with us. And now we live in a tiny studio apartment with no privacy and that's working out too, because we know each other's quirks and such.

I made sure to get a place with escapable rooms and we've been together for years knowing each others nuances.

Hm, I don't really think of it quite in that way. Both of us are extreme introverts, so going out we consider to be work. It takes effort, it makes us tired. By the time we were seeing each other more often (ie, him staying over the weekend), we had gotten comfortable enough with each other, that we didn't have to worry about impressing the other person, which is what you kind of do when you "go out" with someone. And if you're only seeing someone for a few hours at a time, there's a bit of implicit pressure to make sure they have a good time. Which, with him, is a fool's errand. Nobody can make sure he has fun. The only thing I can do is make sure he isn't particularly miserable in a social situation.

I think if one of us was a lot more extroverted, it certainly wouldn't have felt as comfortable as our relationship has been. I sometimes go out with my friends without him, but it certainly isn't an everyday thing, or even an every-week thing. I think if one person feels the need to go out every night, while the other person likes to stay home instead, there might be some friction.

I know we've discussed this because I once mentioned seeing someone 2-3 times in a week.

Actually with Erzette, we met Fri/Sat, hung out Monday, then Friday went to the movies.

But, we just wanted to keep seeing each other.

 

[knowsbleed]

Hm, I don't really think of it quite in that way. Both of us are extreme introverts, so going out we consider to be work. It takes effort, it makes us tired. By the time we were seeing each other more often (ie, him staying over the weekend), we had gotten comfortable enough with each other, that we didn't have to worry about impressing the other person, which is what you kind of do when you "go out" with someone. And if you're only seeing someone for a few hours at a time, there's a bit of implicit pressure to make sure they have a good time. Which, with him, is a fool's errand. Nobody can make sure he has fun. The only thing I can do is make sure he isn't particularly miserable in a social situation.

My ex and I had pretty much the same situation. Neither of us were socially handicapped by any means, but we thought of social situations involving more than 4-5 people as tiring.

I think if one of us was a lot more extroverted, it certainly wouldn't have felt as comfortable as our relationship has been. I sometimes go out with my friends without him, but it certainly isn't an everyday thing, or even an every-week thing. I think if one person feels the need to go out every night, while the other person likes to stay home instead, there might be some friction.

Dr Erzengel... do you concur? With what Dr Anita just said... do you concur?

 

[Erzengel]

It's hard because like I said, I really looked forward to going out. I'd run home from work, get dressed and off again just to go out. It was never really work for us. Except for hiding the crazy.

 

[Anita18]

Dr Erzengel... do you concur? With what Dr Anita just said... do you concur?

Seems like both Erz and Erzette are extroverted, so it's no biggie to them.

There are no hard and fast rules to anything in a relationship. What matters is the people involved, and at times there can be more than two. As long as everyone's happy, haha.

 

[knowsbleed]

Extroverts are a mystery to me. I admire and loathe them at the same time... curious creatures they are.