It's 2018 and I'm a woman, so you can't shut me up... unless you have Michael Cohen wire me $130,000.
It is kind of crazy that the Trump campaign was in touch with Russia when the Hillary campaign wasn't even in touch with Michigan.
I would drag him here myself, but it turns out that the President Of The United States is the one p*ssy youre not allowed to grab
Trump is so broke, he has to fly failed business class.
Im not going to go after print media tonight because its illegal to attack an endangered species.
Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay.
The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.
Fox News is here. So you know what that means, ladies. Cover your drinks. Seriously. People want me to make fun of Sean Hannity tonight, but I cannot do that. This dinner is for journalists.
I did have a lot of jokes about cabinet members. But I had to scrap all of those because everyone has been fired. You guys are going through Cabinet members quicker than Starbucks throws out black people.
Just a reminder to everyone, I'm here to make jokes, I have no agenda, I'm not trying to get anything accomplished, so everyone that's here from Congress, you should feel right at home.
I know theres a lot of people who want me to talk about Russia and Putin and collusion, but Im not gonna do that because theres a lot of liberal media here and Ive never wanted to know what any of you look like when you orgasm.
You guys are obsessed with Trump. Did you use to date him? Because you pretend like you hate him, but I think you love him. I think what no one in this room wants to admit is that Trump has helped all of you. He couldnt sell steaks or vodka or water or college or ties or Eric. But he has helped you. Hes helped you sell your papers and your books and your TV. You helped create this monster and now youre profiting off of him. And if youre going to profit off of Trump, you should at least give him some money because he doesnt have any.