*Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[TheBlueRogue]

care too shed some light on why she doesn't feel a relationship is right at this time?

I am reading everything carefully and I will take those advice and follow them. Well she was raped, been in horrible relationships and does not like getting close to people because she is afraid of getting hurt. I'll admit she has her baggage but so do I. For now I'll be her friend.

 

[Erzengel]

Uh....see, you have to be so very careful there.

In short, you can't be a "friend" if you are harboring feelings for her. I mean if you generally want to be her friend, be her friend. If you are going to be her friend because you are awaiting around for her feelings to turn, then maybe you aren't being a good friend and you might be setting yourself up for heartbreak.

 

[BillyZaned]

I am reading everything carefully and I will take those advice and follow them. Well she was raped, been in horrible relationships and does not like getting close to people because she is afraid of getting hurt. I'll admit she has her baggage but so do I. For now I'll be her friend.

baggage? yeah, I would say so....

look at it from her point of view... she is attracted to men, but all she knows it hurt from them at this point... and if you push and push and push, her warning light will go off, and she will be gone.

I don't know you, so I'm going to assume your a good guy, so you need to show her that... and the only way to do that is by showing her respect and compasion... take it slow, be her friend (because you need that friendship as teh foundation if your going to be in a relationship)... and see what blooms. Will you date, maybe? But you will atleast gain a solid friendship out of it... and in todays age, that's a great thing to have...

 

[Anita18]

In light of BillyZaned's love story, I'm thinking how my best friend was so worried about me since I didn't know for sure if me and my bf were exclusive before I started getting intimate with him. The thing was that I didn't really care. But when I dated her friend way back in college, I was a jealous beeeyotch because my self-esteem was connected to my being in that relationship. I wanted to know everything he was doing when he wasn't with me, because if he didn't want to spend time with me, that was a reflection of me and how useless I was as a person. Lemme tell you, I thought I was pretty independent back then pre-relationship and turning into "that crazy gf" made me feel terrible.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, I really could have cared less what he did in his spare time. He's a morning person and I'm definitely not, so sometimes he'll go off by himself and go to Whole Foods or skateboard a little bit while I'm still asleep, and that's totally cool. We are two people who choose to be together, of our own accord. And I just like the idea of that better than one of us "snagging" the other or whatever.

And yeah, I actually had to ask him about our official status as well. It's just felt so natural I don't feel like my "status" has changed at all.

 

[BillyZaned]

Uh....see, you have to be so very careful there.

In short, you can't be a "friend" if you are harboring feelings for her. I mean if you generally want to be her friend, be her friend. If you are going to be her friend because you are awaiting around for her feelings to turn, then maybe you aren't being a good friend and you might be setting yourself up for heartbreak.

I hear what your saying.... but, you know that most males are friends with attractive females for that reason... does it make that relationship a sham... not really, just as long as her respects her, and cares for her.... he can want to be her boyfriend, but he needs to know that there's a good chance that won't happen, and he needs to accept that..... you can go into a friendship with the hope that it will blossom into more, that's fine.... but don't have that be the only reason.... and sometimes, most of the time, friendships at a young age are alot more rewarding then relationships... keep that in mind

 

[Erzengel]

I know but I can make the arguement there are guys out there who generally can have platonic relationships.

And I don't know BR, but the way he seemed so dejected after 1 date, seems like he really has invested a lot in this relationship already.

If he was going to be a friend to her, and you know, dated other girls, that's one thing. If he's focusing all his energies on her and waiting around for her, that's not really healthy.

 

[TheBlueRogue]

Erzengel: I do want to be her friend, I wont try to pursue a relationship anytime soon because I know thats impossible and im ok with it I wont let it tear me apart.


Billy: I am a good guy so to me it kind of frustrated me hearing all what she said but I symphatize(spelling?), I know the best thing to do right now is take things very slow and just only be her friend.

 

[TheBlueRogue]

I know but I can make the arguement there are guys out there who generally can have platonic relationships.

And I don't know BR, but the way he seemed so dejected after 1 date, seems like he really has invested a lot in this relationship already.

If he was going to be a friend to her, and you know, dated other girls, that's one thing. If he's focusing all his energies on her and waiting around for her, that's not really healthy.

Nah i wont do that, I'll only be her friend and not focus 100% of my energy on her. I wont make that mistake and i'm completely ok if it does not turn into a relationship not expecting it.

 

[BillyZaned]

I know but I can make the arguement there are guys out there who generally can have platonic relationships.

And I don't know BR, but the way he seemed so dejected after 1 date, seems like he really has invested a lot in this relationship already.

If he was going to be a friend to her, and you know, dated other girls, that's one thing. If he's focusing all his energies on her and waiting around for her, that's not really healthy.

no it's not healthy... it's very unhealthy infact.... both parties can't be like that... not even one.....

if both parties are dating because they need to be in a relationship.. they will overlook certian things that a key for a relationship to suceed, just to be in a relationship...

and if only one if like that... then its going to destroy it.... either by the one putting in all the energy giving up, or by the other one taking the otehr forgranted....

you both need to be invested, but need to give it time to grow... and if your already sweating over the fact that she's not ready to take you home to mom and dad after one date,.... you may need to be the one to back off, and get your head on straight....

Wanting to have a girlfriend is one thing.... needing it... that's a ingredient for diaster in almost every aspect of your life...

and I was like that for many year, right out of HS, I needed a GF... that's all I thought about... and when I met a girl i liked, I would ruin any chance of it by jumping in head first, and putting all my energy into it, when the other party, even if they were interested, wasn't putting forth the same energy....

 

[BillyZaned]

Erzengel: I do want to be her friend, I wont try to pursue a relationship anytime soon because I know thats impossible and im ok with it I wont let it tear me apart.


Billy: I am a good guy so to me it kind of frustrated me hearing all what she said but I symphatize(spelling?), I know the best thing to do right now is take things very slow and just only be her friend.

the key though is.... she doesn't know that.. and the guy who probably raped her, she probably thought he was a good guy at first too.....

and dont' be buying flowers or crap like that right away... or insisting on paying for things if she offers.... treat her like a friend

 

[TheBlueRogue]

Well at the time I didn't need or want a girlfriend, I just really liked her. But now I realize I have to just be her friend if it happens it happens if not then its not meant to be and move on right?

 

[Erzengel]

Nah i wont do that, I'll only be her friend and not focus 100% of my energy on her. I wont make that mistake and i'm completely ok if it does not turn into a relationship not expecting it.

Just make sure you practice what you preached.

And honestly, really make an effort to meet other people. Because if this girl is the only "girl" in your life, regardless of what your intentions are, you might find that feelings have developed even though you feel you went into this "okay" with just being friends.

 

[omid17]

Well at the time I didn't need or want a girlfriend, I just really liked her. But now I realize I have to just be her friend if it happens it happens if not then its not meant to be and move on right?

 

[TheBlueRogue]

the key though is.... she doesn't know that.. and the guy who probably raped her, she probably thought he was a good guy at first too.....

and dont' be buying flowers or crap like that right away... or insisting on paying for things if she offers.... treat her like a friend

thanks I'll make sure to just treat her as a friend only.

 

[TheBlueRogue]

Just make sure you practice what you preached.

And honestly, really make an effort to meet other people. Because if this girl is the only "girl" in your life, regardless of what your intentions are, you might find that feelings have developed even though you feel you went into this "okay" with just being friends.

Thanks I'll try and just date around not take this situation too seriously.

 

[Anita18]

I am reading everything carefully and I will take those advice and follow them. Well she was raped, been in horrible relationships and does not like getting close to people because she is afraid of getting hurt. I'll admit she has her baggage but so do I. For now I'll be her friend.

Baggage? I'll say! Poor girl.

You can help prove to her that men can be nice, trustworthy people, but only if you're there for her because you truly care about her as a person, not just because she's hot and you want to get in her pants. That's probably what she's experienced before in the past.

And she'll have to do the rest of the job herself. Nobody can make someone "get over" something, it's really up to them.

And yeah, I know guys who can be good friends with girls platonically. I wonder how my ex's fiance will react at all of the girls he's invited to their wedding. Most of his friends from high school were girls, and he never dated any of them.

 

[BillyZaned]

Well at the time I didn't need or want a girlfriend, I just really liked her. But now I realize I have to just be her friend if it happens it happens if not then its not meant to be and move on right?

I'm hoping that's a typo...

You have to be just her friend, you say?

 

[TheBlueRogue]

I'm hoping that's a typo...

You have to be just her friend, you say?

Sorry kind of wrote that fast, what I meant to say it I will just be her friend and won't try to get into her pants. I'll just respect her and show not all guys are crazy bastards. I think thigns went too fast but oh well.

 

[BillyZaned]

Sorry kind of wrote that fast, what I meant to say it I will just be her friend and won't try to get into her pants. I'll just respect her and show not all guys are crazy bastards. I think thigns went too fast but oh well.

Dude

your making it sound like a bad thing

write this

Right now, I want to be her friend, and if something blossoms later, great, if not, I'll be happy just to have her in my life.

 

[TheBlueRogue]

Dude

your making it sound like a bad thing

write this

Right now, I want to be her friend, and if something blossoms later, great, if not, I'll be happy just to have her in my life.

Hehe yeah sorry that's what I've been trying to say but had a tough time wording it. I realy do have a tough time with relationships in general and my personal life does not make it any easier.

 

[BillyZaned]

Hehe yeah sorry that's what I've been trying to say but had a tough time wording it. I realy do have a tough time with relationships in general and my personal life does not make it any easier.

whats up with your personal life? And if it is overbarring on you... maybe a relationship right now, isn't the best idea

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I am reading everything carefully and I will take those advice and follow them. Well she was raped, been in horrible relationships and does not like getting close to people because she is afraid of getting hurt. I'll admit she has her baggage but so do I. For now I'll be her friend.

Wow, that horrible for her and sucks for you. If you genuinely like her as a person and want her as a friend, then I'd say keep hanging out with her. If you're hoping for a relationship down the line though, I'd honestly say, lose her number. You came into her life at a bad time, it sucks and obviously you didn't realize it, but at the same time things between you two will most likely never progress. I once tried to date a girl who, I didn't realize at the time, just broke up with her boyfriend about a week before us meeting, on our third date she mentioned she wasn't looking for a relationship, I thought I'd play it cool and wait it out, just be her friend. In the end, she started seeing someone else and I just stopped talking to her because I felt betrayed, wondering what made this guy someone she could date and me someone she couldn't. This could be what happens to you, you've gotta know you can handle that if it does, if you can't, lose her number now.

 

[BillyZaned]

^sometimes that happens, sometimes not.....

 

[TheBlueRogue]

Thanks I really appreciate all the feedback and I will follow all the advice. BZ I guess its my past relationships have been horrible, mom is going through chemo, uncles condition is getting worse he had ten surgeries in his stomach, a fathe whose too hard on me. But I wont be an emo about it, it's hard yes but im happy for the most part I mean how could I not life improves.

 

[BillyZaned]

the thing is man... is she worth it... if you think she is... be her friend and hope for the best, but be prepared that it might not happen.....

how can you have a chance, if you don't take one?