Starting over..

[amazingfantasy15]

ATP, it's so hard.

I did EVERYTHING to be the best boyfriend ever. I did EVERYTHING to even explain to her how to be a better gf. I carried our weight, and she acts like I'm the one who failed. Everyday I think about her, and she does mental gymnastics to pretend that she's just awesome.

Emotionally: I was there for her if she neeeded to call me any time of the day. I always tried to think of her first.

Physically: TMI for SHH

Cash-ically: I've spent probably like $20,000 net on her.

I was always aces on everything that she wanted. And it ends because of some stupid fear of commitment ********. Damnit.

It's my fault. I was stupid. She's younger than me, I should have known. She's been 19 for a few months and I just 22 in September. I should never have gotten with someone so close to three years younger than me.. I should have been trying for like 25 or something..

I've tried talking to her, but part of why I broke up with her is that she has some kind of condition that makes her basically try to retroactively change our past. So things that I've done she'll sa never happened or happened differently.And she always tries to make me the badguy. I love her, but if she won't love me somebody else will...There are plenty of other factors, but it's that stupid ******** and then she'll, at the end of the day act like she still loves me, if only as a friend.

So I'm like **** that noise.

I've never had a problem getting numbers or talking to chicks. So what I want from her is unobtainable from someone unwilling to grow the **** up. So I'm moving on.

I don't know what to do, drinking doesn't even help anymore, because I'm not even sad anymore. I'm actually kind of happy. But it's winter and I miss the cuddling and the movies and everything. Yeah, paint me a jerk, I'd rather be a jerk and a *****e than heartbroken and alone.

Well, reading this especially the response to ATP, you seem like a real @$$, with the whole I did everything for her, here's the money I spent, etc... and she did nothing. Also coaching her how to be a better girlfriend? That sends up all kinds of red flags to me. As for the fear of commitment, I'm assuming that's on her side, of course she's probably got a fear of commitment, you're 22, she's 19, is she still in college? Probably wouldn't want anything more than being a couple until she's done with that.

 

[BlackLantern]

Im seeing a lot of that these days though...people in their teens/early twenties getting super involved and doing everything to make it work

 

[Anita18]

ATP, it's so hard.

I did EVERYTHING to be the best boyfriend ever. I did EVERYTHING to even explain to her how to be a better gf. I carried our weight, and she acts like I'm the one who failed. Everyday I think about her, and she does mental gymnastics to pretend that she's just awesome.

Emotionally: I was there for her if she neeeded to call me any time of the day. I always tried to think of her first.

Physically: TMI for SHH

Cash-ically: I've spent probably like $20,000 net on her.

I was always aces on everything that she wanted. And it ends because of some stupid fear of commitment ********. Damnit.

Honestly, you're going about relationships all wrong. This girl was not right for you, unless she's super-high-maintenance and you're Donald Trump and can buy her anything she wants. (Then she'll never leave you because nobody else can support her lifestyle.)

You thought you could make her happy by doing X, Y, and Z, and spending lots of money on her. Guess what? Nobody can make another person happy. There's no such thing as an absolute "perfect boyfriend/girlfriend." Everyone needs different things in a relationship. Like, my bf never calls, nor does he bring flowers and jewelry. Which is perfectly fine with me - I'm not a phone person and I hate cut flowers and I don't wear jewelry. But it's certainly looks on paper that he's a crap bf, right?

You didn't do anything wrong in that relationship to push her away. She just wasn't right for you, and you assumed that you could somehow make yourself right for her when you can't.

 

[The Guard]

reactions are controllable....you just have to tell yourself that....too many people are slave to societal conditions...like we're supposed to be mad when someone does this, or be happy when someone does that....

Marry me.

 

[The Guard]

If you're with someone, and they aren't giving you what you need, at least on some level...you probably shouldn't be with them for both your sakes. Sooner or later, there will be problems.

If your girlfriend had a "condition", it sounds like she may have been something of a narcissist. Someone who can never admit they're wrong, in the wrong, etc, and who believes the world should revolve around their wants and needs. Granted, I don't know the whole story.

As far as retroactively interpreting the past...or "making you the bad guy"...expect to find that almost everywhere you go. People are insecure. They often know they're wrong, and they don't want to admit it, and many people simply cannot handle that.

The human ego is a fragile, ridiculous thing. I learned early on in a relationship...you can be "right", or you can be "together".

If what you want is to move on though...move on.

 

[AndThePickles]

ATP, it's so hard.

I did EVERYTHING to be the best boyfriend ever. I did EVERYTHING to even explain to her how to be a better gf. I carried our weight, and she acts like I'm the one who failed. Everyday I think about her, and she does mental gymnastics to pretend that she's just awesome.

Emotionally: I was there for her if she neeeded to call me any time of the day. I always tried to think of her first.

Physically: TMI for SHH

Cash-ically: I've spent probably like $20,000 net on her.

I was always aces on everything that she wanted. And it ends because of some stupid fear of commitment ********. Damnit.

It's my fault. I was stupid. She's younger than me, I should have known. She's been 19 for a few months and I just 22 in September. I should never have gotten with someone so close to three years younger than me.. I should have been trying for like 25 or something..

It's not going to be easy. Accept that it's hard, but also accept that you WILL be able to move on, eventually. No one says you have to "get over it" right away. It will be a process. But it will be easier if you look at it as a learning experience.

However- the fact that one of your main explanations includes explaining to her how she should be a better girlfriend means you probably should have broken up with her long ago. Forcing someone to fit your "better significant other" mold over and over again is a big no-no. Looking at it as "I was the best ever, and she sucked!" isn't fair. Working with each other to compromise is one thing, but essentially telling her she's a bad girlfriend? That's pretty damn mean.

It will be easier to move on if you don't play that blame game. Relationships fail because things went wrong between TWO people.

 

[Silverstein]

Well, reading this especially the response to ATP, you seem like a real @$$, with the whole I did everything for her, here's the money I spent, etc... and she did nothing. Also coaching her how to be a better girlfriend? That sends up all kinds of red flags to me. As for the fear of commitment, I'm assuming that's on her side, of course she's probably got a fear of commitment, you're 22, she's 19, is she still in college? Probably wouldn't want anything more than being a couple until she's done with that.

Have your red flags or whatever, but I'm not being biased or embellishing..Believe it or not (don't care which), she has literally said these things to me. She has mentioned that she did nothing, she admitted that she didn't feel like trying any harder, etc etc. I don't care to try to prove that. There's nothing I've said that I didn't say to her already that she didn't agree with or admit to. However:

1. The thread isn't about me...The original posts asks if you've had to start over or not.
2. As you said, I was talking to ATP...
3. Thinking negatively of someone from a situation that you don't know about and has barely been explained is rather silly.
4. Like I said, think of me as an ass or a *****e or whatever...I'm not going into too much detail about this, it's a need to know type thing. And people who decide things without info don't need to know..

It's not going to be easy. Accept that it's hard, but also accept that you WILL be able to move on, eventually. No one says you have to "get over it" right away. It will be a process. But it will be easier if you look at it as a learning experience.

However- the fact that one of your main explanations includes explaining to her how she should be a better girlfriend means you probably should have broken up with her long ago. Forcing someone to fit your "better significant other" mold over and over again is a big no-no. Looking at it as "I was the best ever, and she sucked!" isn't fair. Working with each other to compromise is one thing, but essentially telling her she's a bad girlfriend? That's pretty damn mean.

It will be easier to move on if you don't play that blame game. Relationships fail because things went wrong between TWO people.

You're right, ATP, but it's so much more complicated...I'm going to have to talk to you in messages about this I guess. Actually you and CS, will probably be able to help.

 

[Anita18]

Have your red flags or whatever, but I'm not being biased or embellishing..Believe it or not (don't care which), she has literally said these things to me. She has mentioned that she did nothing, she admitted that she didn't feel like trying any harder, etc etc. I don't care to try to prove that. There's nothing I've said that I didn't say to her already that she didn't agree with or admit to.

I'm not ATP or CS, but I'll add my two cents.

Given what you've told us, it's increasingly clear that you two were simply not compatible in a relationship sense. To her, you probably came off needy and of course it isn't "her fault" for that, so of course in her eyes, she did nothing wrong. She probably didn't even apologize for acting the way she did, did she? (If she didn't, it doesn't make her a bad person necessarily, just flippin' clueless to your needs.)

But nor is it "your fault." You both needed different levels of emotional support, that's all, and apparently neither of you realized that until the bitter end. That's why people get along fine in some relationships while others may drive them crazy. It's how the cookie crumbles in these kinds of things.

I had to learn this on my own. I thought I was an independent person until my ex came along. I didn't quite realize this at the time, but he LOVES taking care of people, especially women. He loves to emotionally support them and baby them and all that. Perfect bf, right? Drove me NUTS. I turned from an emotionally independent person into a jealous beeyotch. Nothing he did could dissuade my fear that one day he simply wouldn't find me attractive anymore and leave me. It was some sort of weird reinforcement loop of no return. I embarrassed myself and I didn't know how to fix it, but I became my old independent self after we broke up, and I'm still my regular self even after I started dating my current bf, because he's more hands off. And I apparently like it better that way.

So you may hurt now, Silverstein, but all this is really a learning experience and you're still so young to figure all this out.

 

[Silverstein]

oi vey...


Let's get back on topic...


*grumbles*

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Have your red flags or whatever, but I'm not being biased or embellishing..Believe it or not (don't care which), she has literally said these things to me. She has mentioned that she did nothing, she admitted that she didn't feel like trying any harder, etc etc. I don't care to try to prove that. There's nothing I've said that I didn't say to her already that she didn't agree with or admit to. However:

1. The thread isn't about me...The original posts asks if you've had to start over or not.
2. As you said, I was talking to ATP...
3. Thinking negatively of someone from a situation that you don't know about and has barely been explained is rather silly.
4. Like I said, think of me as an ass or a *****e or whatever...I'm not going into too much detail about this, it's a need to know type thing. And people who decide things without info don't need to know..

You're right, ATP, but it's so much more complicated...I'm going to have to talk to you in messages about this I guess. Actually you and CS, will probably be able to help.

Dude this thread is about you, I just didn't give you the answers you wanted. If it wasn't about you hoping to get a pity party about your break up you wouldn't have given any information about your past relationship.

Ok though, I'll get back on topic. While it was as long term, had a half year relationship abruptly end earlier this year and it sucked. Didn't even realize what went wrong, one day we were doing great together, a couple days later she's breaking up with me. Decided to do whatever it took to get over it, put a lot more effort in the marathon training I was doing, joined a recreational kickball team over the summer, went out with some girls. Still think about her sometimes, but now dating a new girl that's great and things are going really well. Most everyone's had a bad break up at some point and everyone's way of dealing with it and getting over it is different. Making sure I had plenty of distractions was what worked for me.

 

[BillyZaned]

longest term with a end, was 8 months.....

my longest relationship, obviously has been with my wife... over 4 years...

we did hit a snag last year, in Augest... we broke up for a couple weeks, she moved out... she took our son with her.....hardest thing to go through.... I think most of the harship came with what was going to happen with our son....

the break-up happened, because she was very depressed with her mother dieing only a few months earlier... I was going through a rough patch with my job, getting all my OT cut due to the economy... and the day before the break-up, she decided to take off of work that coming weekend so she could go to a purse party on saturday...

I was pissed, because I was nervious about money, then she takes off of work for some dumb purse party.... so the morning of the break-up, I confronted her, and said that it's crap she's taking off two days for a purse party... that she should be doing the exact opposite...

she flipped out on me... I called her a lazy B, she then punched me in my face... she tried doing it again, and I grabbed her arm, and put her in a bear hug, telling her to calm down...

I then said "screw it" and I went to work... when I got home, all her stuff was gone, and my son....

we both were in contact with lawyers about custudy.... then, we had lunch together a week later, and decided to try it again....

we then broke up again a week later... because she was confused about if she still loved me.....

she didn't move out, but moved into the other bedroom for about 4 days. She then had a complete nervious break-down... and was threatening her life... I called the cops, and they talked to her... she decided she needed counseling... and we also did a couples conseling together too....

it all worked out, and three months later, we were stronger then ever...


what I'm saying... is that whole "Swingers" crap... is crap... if you love someone, dont' sit around, or move on.... if you love something, and don't want it to end... go for it... it's better to be in charge of your life then to sit around hoping something will happen...

 

[Erzengel]

Well it's not crap IF it is the best thing for you to move on.

 

[Silverstein]

Dude this thread is about you, I just didn't give you the answers you wanted. If it wasn't about you hoping to get a pity party about your break up you wouldn't have given any information about your past relationship.

From your first sentence you're wrong. It's not about me, see the first page. Everyone is sharing, you simply decided to get in my business, in my story, when I wasn't talking to you.

And no, my problem with you and your comments is that you keep acting as if you know how I am and what I'm like from small bits of info that you clearly don't even understand...let alone know the full details of.

For instance, you are taking the stand that I wanted "pity" by explaining...That's your logic not mine. I explained enough about it that I felt was necessary, and I wasn't talking to you. This is part of what you're not getting. You are not ATP.

As for the "answers that I wanted", I don't want any specific answers, because I don't care what you think. This is not a story I made up or some kind of hypothetical, it's what I'm dealing with.

My annoyance from you, comes from your getting involved and trying to act like you get it. Internet or not, this is the equivalent of a group of people talking, and you overhearing something and treating the person as if you know what they are like or who they are. When you're not even in the convo..


I've already explained enough about this. To put it simply because you don't get it: You don't know me. Do NOT act like you do. When someone is speaking directly to someone else, mind your business.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

what I'm saying... is that whole "Swingers" crap... is crap... if you love someone, dont' sit around, or move on.... if you love something, and don't want it to end... go for it... it's better to be in charge of your life then to sit around hoping something will happen...

I don't really agree with that, you're situation was really different since there was a kid involved. With my ex I didn't want to just give up, emailed her a few times asking if we could talk about what happened, I wanted to fight for the relationship, not just let it die, but she didn't want to talk. Felt like I had no choice but to let go, hoped she would realize she was making a mistake and call, didn't sit around waiting for her to call though. Every situation is different, sometimes you have no choice and just have to hope something will happen.

 

[BillyZaned]

Well it's not crap IF it is the best thing for you to move on.

Different for everyone... is you relationship ends over something dumb, like mine did... the best thing was not to move on

 

[BillyZaned]

I don't really agree with that, you're situation was really different since there was a kid involved. With my ex I didn't want to just give up, emailed her a few times asking if we could talk about what happened, I wanted to fight for the relationship, not just let it die, but she didn't want to talk. Felt like I had no choice but to let go, hoped she would realize she was making a mistake and call, didn't sit around waiting for her to call though. Every situation is different, sometimes you have no choice and just have to hope something will happen.

I'm not saying, go after her witha gun to your head... but, in your case... You did reach out... and she didn't respond

I'm just saying, if you want it to work out... be vocal about it... not stalkersih.... but sitting around, or moving on when you still have reservations about ended it, is just dumb IMO.... if you want it to work out, tell your ex... and if they don't want it... then move on

 

[Erzengel]

Different for everyone... is you relationship ends over something dumb, like mine did... the best thing was not to move on

Well you also were married with a child. A lot more to walk away from then a couple who hasn't reached that part yet.

 

[BillyZaned]

Well you also were married with a child. A lot more to walk away from then a couple who hasn't reached that part yet.

oh, forsure... even though that was a major facture in the whole thing... our relationship was still the biggest... because I felt, that if there was nothing there... our little guy living in a loveless household, was worse, then living in a broken home...

 

[BillyZaned]

See... I'm not writting this right...

when we broke up.... I felt that she wanted it to be over.... but, I didn't want that... so I asked her if we could go out to lunch at the place we had our first date.. and just talk.... and she agreed...

it turned out... she didn't want it to be over... and thought that after what she did, giving me a black eye, that I wouldn't want her back....

sometimes, you just need to suck up that pride, and extend the hand... if it's shot down.. then screw it... but sometimes, you just need to find out

 

[Anita18]

oi vey...


Let's get back on topic...


*grumbles*

What? I thought it was on topic. A huge part of my moving on from the breakup was realizing that we weren't meant for each other because we didn't match in terms of emotional needs, and thus it was nobody's fault that we broke up.

We're completely friendly now - I'm attending his wedding next January.

I think the biggest part about deciding whether to move on or to fight for the relationship is figuring out whether you'd be happier with or without being in a relationship with that person. And sometimes it's hard to determine that when you're still in that immediate hurt from a breakup, or when the communication lines are so badly broken you don't really know what the other person is truly thinking.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

What? I thought it was on topic. A huge part of my moving on from the breakup was realizing that we weren't meant for each other because we didn't match in terms of emotional needs, and thus it was nobody's fault that we broke up.

We're completely friendly now - I'm attending his wedding next January.

I think the biggest part about deciding whether to move on or to fight for the relationship is figuring out whether you'd be happier with or without being in a relationship with that person. And sometimes it's hard to determine that when you're still in that immediate hurt from a breakup, or when the communication lines are so badly broken you don't really know what the other person is truly thinking.

You got in his personal business and apparently unless you're AndThePickles or Colossal Spoons that's not right and you aren't on topic. You must only talk of your personal pain so he doesn't feel so alone in his pain. Of course this is only my opinion on the matter, I really don't know what going on with him in real life. Now must brace myself for another tongue lashing.

 

[Silverstein]

No, because this time you acted like a teenager (not quite adult about it yet), instead of a five year old.

See you're still adding in little slices of "I know how things really are" instead of being neutral. I asked about what everyone else had to deal with in their personal break ups, NOT about how to be as smug as possible. This is the last time I'm going to explain this to you, child.

"Of course this is only my opinion on the matter, I really don't know what going on with him in real life." This sentence defeats the purpose of making your post. Fail.

 

[Silverstein]

What? I thought it was on topic. A huge part of my moving on from the breakup was realizing that we weren't meant for each other because we didn't match in terms of emotional needs, and thus it was nobody's fault that we broke up.

We're completely friendly now - I'm attending his wedding next January.

I think the biggest part about deciding whether to move on or to fight for the relationship is figuring out whether you'd be happier with or without being in a relationship with that person. And sometimes it's hard to determine that when you're still in that immediate hurt from a breakup, or when the communication lines are so badly broken you don't really know what the other person is truly thinking.

No, see what you said was fine...I knew that at some point the above person would try to comment on your post. And apparently he did. That's why I was trying to move along.

 

[SuBe]

Everyone Calm down or I'm gonna shut this thread down. Play nice or I'm taking the ball away.