The Joke thread.

[Kane52630]

This Thread is a Joke
......

jk

 

[Commodore Schmidlapp]

What does an Eskimo who sits on ice for too long get?

 

[LouFerignoDemon]

What?

 

[Hotwire]

Joe and Larry decide to join the Army and become Airborne Rangers. They go to the recruiting office and sign up. But, at the physical, they determine Larry has flat feet, so he's out. Joe promises to come back as sson as he finishes his trainging and tell Larry all about it. The weeks go by, and Joe shows up, in full uniform to tell Larry about everything. Larry asks, "So, how was it? Was it hard?" Joe tells him how hard it was but he made it all the way up to the part where they have to jump out of an actual plane. Joe tells him, "I got up to the door, took one look out and froze. I just couldn't do it." "What happened?" Larry asks. "Well, my drill instructor, this guy was like 6'6" and 250lbs, he comes up to me and he says, 'Listen boy, you either jump out of this plane right now, or I'm gonna bend you over that pile of parachutes and have my way with you!'" Larry gasps, "My God, did you jump?!?" "Hell yeah I jumped," Joe replied. "A little at first."

 

[Commodore Schmidlapp]

What?

Polaroids HAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

[SuperFerret]

 

[Hotwire]

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

 

[Commodore Schmidlapp]

To make that face at me is to make it at Laffy Taffy. Can you live with that on your conscience?

 

[SuperFerret]

Laffy Taffy only tastes good.

 

[Anubis]

Clem and Joe were out fishing on the lake. Clem says to Joe, "Joe? I finally found out what to do fo my vacation next month." Joe says, "what?" "Well, three years ago I went to Aruba, and when I got back, My wife was pregnant." "Two years ago I went to the Bahamas, and when I got back, my wife was knocked up again." "And last year, I went to Hawaii, and when I got back guess what? Pregnant again!" So I finally figured out what to do this year to make sure she doesn't get knocked up this time. Joe's like, what? "This year I'm gonna take her with me!"

 

[Kane52630]

heres a bunch of one liners

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

 

[Motown Marvel]

why did helen kellers dog run away?

[blackout]you would too if your name was AAHHHHHHHKNLAKNDGLKDNFGLKHG[/blackout]



yeah, i went there.

 

[Ace of Knaves]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were having a rest in their hotel room when suddenly a tree walked in.

"Elm entry, my dear Watson" said Holmes.

--------------

Postman: Is this letter for you sir? The name is smudged.

Man: No, it can't be for me, my name is Smith.

--------------

What do you call a man with no arms or legs caught at sea?

Bob.

 

[Jake Cassidy]

A guy was standing on the deck of a cruise ship and there were three girls. One had no arms, one had no legs and one had no arms or legs. The girl with no arms came up to him and said, "I've never been hugged." So he hugged her. The girl with no legs came up to him and said, "I've never been kissed." So he kisses her. Then the girl with no arms or legs came up to him and said, "I've never been screwed." So he throws her overboard and says, "Now you're screwed."

 

[Jake Cassidy]

A bankrobber is holding hostages in a banks when his mask falls off. He quickly puts it back on and says to a man, "Did you see my face?" The man says, "Yes." So the robber blows his head off. He asks a second man, "Did you see my face?" The man says, "No, but my wife did."

 

[Jake Cassidy]

This isn't a joke, but...

Sex is evil
Sex is a sin
But sins are forgiven
So stick it back in

 

[Jake Cassidy]

Superman was flying around and he came to Wonder Woman's apartment. He looked in the window and saw her naked on the bed, sweating and in ecstacy. So he thinks, "I'll just give her a quick one." He was in and out quickly. Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?" The Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but my arse is sore."

 

[Jake Cassidy]

Why does Chuck Norris not recognise the periodic tables?

Because it doesn't include the element of....
















SURPRISE!!!

 

[Jumpin' Jack]

Chuck Norris can talk Brail

If you knew Chuck Norris' real name your min would collapsed upon itself.

How much do you have to pay to see Hogwarts play ? A quid each

 

[Hotwire]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?

 

[Hotwire]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a Coupla blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

 

[Rain]

Alien vs Predator is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.

 

[LouFerignoDemon]

Alien vs Predator is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.

It sucked?

 

[Ace of Knaves]

Four blondes were driving to DisneyLand one day, when they saw a sign on the freeway that said "DisneyLand - Left"

So, they turned around and drove home.
-----------------
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog

 

[Rain]

It sucked?

I guess....