The Relationship Thread: Single Posters on Patrol - Part 18

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[Anita18]

Yup, sounds like you indeed stood up for yourself.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

She had one point, that we shouldn't be speaking if I'm still harboring such resentment and anger towards her, which is true. But I wasn't gonna let her continue making me the bad guy, and me just sitting back and apologizing for it even though she's the one who said all those things and made all those promises to me that she never intended to keep.

On another note, I think I became a male Robin Scherbatksy the other day.

I was out to dinner with some friends, and a couple professors, for a former classmate of mine who's graduated and moved on to grad school, but she was back in town. My professor (who I'm also friends with outside of school as well) was asking me about this girl I've been hanging out with a bit this summer and talking to (non-romantically), asking when her and I are just gonna start dating.

I responded saying "I don't even think she's interested in me", but my professor (who has seen the exchanges between this girl and I on Facebook, lol) was like "I'm a female, I know what I see, you two just need to get a room already" haha. Then she was like "I know how much you want a relationship, so why not? Quit making excuses and just do it."

And then I said something I never thought I'd say...

"I can't get into a relationship right now, I'm going to be leaving in a couple months"

So my professor says "You never know what might happen in a couple months, you may start a relationship and decide you want to stay."

And my reply was "No, I'm not sacrificing my future career for some girl."

I even surprised myself with that one, lol.

 

[Erzengel]

So I'll say I finally stood up for myself tonight.

I don't know how detailed I've gotten, but I know I've mentioned the girl who I knew from back in California that I had something of a history with, who has since moved to Arizona. We got back in touch a couple years ago, with her telling me she had feelings for me, and over that time, saying things to me like she wanted to take my virginity, wanted to visit me in Tennessee and we'd have sex, or when that didn't work out, that when I moved back in California I could stop in Arizona on the way out there and we'd hook up, along with other things that she's said, and of course, never followed through with.

Well, with me moving back to California a real possibility now (of course I'm still exploring my options in New York before I decide for sure), she began to flake on it and make excuses for why her and I couldn't hook up.

But tonight, while her and I were texting, she started telling me about all these dudes she's trying to hook up with and have sex with. So I made a comment about now she's ready to hook with some dudes when she was making excuses with me after she said she would.

So basically, the jist of the conversation, she says I'm just mad at all the other girls who rejected me and turned me down and I'm just taking it out on her or whatever, and so finally I told her "no, I'm mad because for the past 3 years we've been talking, you've been using the fact that I constantly get rejected to get attention for yourself, telling me you have feelings for me, telling me you wish you could be more for me, even going as far as saying you would marry me, telling me you're going to take my virginity, and making all these false promises to me that you never intended to keep, but then want to turn around and make me the bad guy for believing the things you told me. You need to take responsibility and accountability for your words, you can't just say whatever you want and then pretend it never happened when it's time to own up to it. You're right, you're not responsible for all the girls that rejected me, and you sure don't owe me **** for it, but don't say that you're going to do all these things when you have no intention of following through on them"

So basically, now she's saying that we shouldn't speak to each other anymore, and I really have no desire to chase after her and keep her around. In fact, I told her that I have too much going on in my life right now, and I don't have time to deal with her or her games anymore, and that I don't have feelings for her, I don't want a relationship with her, and I don't want to have sex with her. Also told her that if she cared for me as much as she claims she does, she wouldn't exploit the one part of my life that I feel weak in just so she could get attention.

She sounds almost like what Soundwave was discussing. This girl doesn't sound like she wants to be with you BUT likes the attention or whatever intimacy you were giving her over the phone or the computer.

She had one point, that we shouldn't be speaking if I'm still harboring such resentment and anger towards her, which is true. But I wasn't gonna let her continue making me the bad guy, and me just sitting back and apologizing for it even though she's the one who said all those things and made all those promises to me that she never intended to keep.

On another note, I think I became a male Robin Scherbatksy the other day.

I was out to dinner with some friends, and a couple professors, for a former classmate of mine who's graduated and moved on to grad school, but she was back in town. My professor (who I'm also friends with outside of school as well) was asking me about this girl I've been hanging out with a bit this summer and talking to (non-romantically), asking when her and I are just gonna start dating.

I responded saying "I don't even think she's interested in me", but my professor (who has seen the exchanges between this girl and I on Facebook, lol) was like "I'm a female, I know what I see, you two just need to get a room already" haha. Then she was like "I know how much you want a relationship, so why not? Quit making excuses and just do it."

And then I said something I never thought I'd say...

"I can't get into a relationship right now, I'm going to be leaving in a couple months"

So my professor says "You never know what might happen in a couple months, you may start a relationship and decide you want to stay."

And my reply was "No, I'm not sacrificing my future career for some girl."

I even surprised myself with that one, lol.

Do you even see this girl in that way?

 

[ProjectPat2280]

So how many ppl do you need to message with no reply on these dating sites before you cut your losses and delete your account?

 

[Anita18]

So how many ppl do you need to message with no reply on these dating sites before you cut your losses and delete your account?

I lost count. I'd go in and check messages and look at profiles every two weeks. I stopped when I met my now-husband.

There's no hard and fast rule. Online dating sites are just another way to meet people. You should be trying to meet people via other ways if you really want a relationship. In my case, I was casual and didn't care about it so much.

 

[Erzengel]

Agreed, it's like anything else. Would you stop going to school if you asked out half a dozen girls and they all turned you down? Or if you went to the bar for a month with no success?

Online dating is the same way. If nothing pans out, wait a few weeks or a month see if there are any new girls and try again.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Agreed, it's like anything else. Would you stop going to school if you asked out half a dozen girls and they all turned you down? Or if you went to the bar for a month with no success?

Online dating is the same way. If nothing pans out, wait a few weeks or a month see if there are any new girls and try again.

I mean, maybe, sure, if getting a date was the only reason I was going to school.

 

[Anita18]

Well I'd stop going to bars, since clearly the bar scene wouldn't have the kind of guy I'm looking for. But school and online dating sites are different - there are SO many different kinds of people there. Even online dating, I can look at the profile of a personal trainer, then look at the profile of a nerdy engineer. I don't think it's any way equal to a bar or even school. Depends on your school.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I just don't see how school and online dating sites are in any way comparable.

I go onto an online dating site to try to find a date.

I go to school to get an education and a degree. Finding a date there is a bonus of the social aspect of college, but not the purpose of doing so.

Why would I stop going to school because I couldn't find a date??

 

[Erzengel]

I was using hyperbole to make a point.

I mean usually, I don't even recommend online dating unless someone is out of school. If you are in school, unless it was my school which had a male to female ratio of 81 to 19, you should have plenty of opportunities to meet girls.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

I lost count. I'd go in and check messages and look at profiles every two weeks. I stopped when I met my now-husband.

Hah that's about where I'm at. I'm starting to lose count. Getting kinda mad haha

 

[Anita18]

Hah that's about where I'm at. I'm starting to lose count. Getting kinda mad haha

So you apparently seem to be as difficult to match as me. Except I was on there for 3 years and something tells me you've only been on there for a few weeks.

Patience, my young padawan. It's supposed to be fun, and not all that stressful. So many different people are on there, that there's no telling who you might come across next week, even.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

So you apparently seem to be as difficult to match as me. Except I was on there for 3 years and something tells me you've only been on there for a few weeks.

Patience, my young padawan. It's supposed to be fun, and not all that stressful. So many different people are on there, that there's no telling who you might come across next week, even.

Haha yea I haven't been on there that long and haven't really messaged ppl heavily until the last week or 2, but still, iv messaged a bunch of ppl to no response. I might try one of those paid sites like Match but going by the responses or well lack thereof witht the free sites, it seems as tho ill just be paying for non responses haha.

 

[Anita18]

Haha yea I haven't been on there that long and haven't really messaged ppl heavily until the last week or 2, but still, iv messaged a bunch of ppl to no response. I might try one of those paid sites like Match but going by the responses or well lack thereof witht the free sites, it seems as tho ill just be paying for non responses haha.

Could be. You won't know until you try. Match.com and even Eharmony have some discount weekends where contact is free.

 

[Soundwave88]

She sounds almost like what Soundwave was discussing. This girl doesn't sound like she wants to be with you BUT likes the attention or whatever intimacy you were giving her over the phone or the computer.

You are very right....

Looking back on it, All she wanted was attention and to create problems for herself to get people to notice her, She is now trying to make me feel bad or guilt me or something and she's the one who left me..

 

[Erzengel]

I'd say date her sister or her friend but better yet, date her enemy.

 

[Boy Scout]

Should I let the fact that I can't drive hold me back from asking someone out? I want to start dating, but I don't have a car or a license. I have a job (and will be starting another one tomorrow), so paying for dinner or whatever isn't a problem, but I'm really insecure about the fact that I can't drive. Am I just being silly?

 

[SpideyVille]

So after spending the last few days overly anxious and dying to just say something other than "Good Morning" to this girl, I finally introduced myself formally to her. It didn't quite happen as smoothly or relaxed as I had planned since it really caught me off guard and came suddenly after I was fighting my internal debate to just go up to her. But I feel la little more at peace now knowing that I've broken the communication barrier, not just with her, but with a lot of other people at my job. It's like after I talked to her, I didn't care about speaking in front of others.

But of course, now that I've done this steps, I'm already asking what's next. A friend of mine told me to invite her to a group lunch thing since they're going to be going to her favorite burger place. So the plan now is to invite her to come with us so that we could get to know each other better without the pressure of it being a date, or having me move too fast. She also seems very shy, much like myself, which kinda worries me because I know how bad I can be at times, even though now I'm much more loose and talkative at the office.

Should I let the fact that I can't drive hold me back from asking someone out? I want to start dating, but I don't have a car or a license. I have a job (and will be starting another one tomorrow), so paying for dinner or whatever isn't a problem, but I'm really insecure about the fact that I can't drive. Am I just being silly?

I'm actually going through the same issue with my case. The girl I want to talk to has a car, but I don't, and where we work, you pretty much need a car to go anywhere, unless you want to walk across the street to the cheap pizza/burger place. I guess it depends on how old you are and where you live. Like my excuse has always been that I don't need a car in the city, but now I'm starting to see that I at least need to know how to drive because its a little embarrassing asking a girl out and then asking her to drive you too.

 

[Boy Scout]

So after spending the last few days overly anxious and dying to just say something other than "Good Morning" to this girl, I finally introduced myself formally to her. It didn't quite happen as smoothly or relaxed as I had planned since it really caught me off guard and came suddenly after I was fighting my internal debate to just go up to her. But I feel la little more at peace now knowing that I've broken the communication barrier, not just with her, but with a lot of other people at my job. It's like after I talked to her, I didn't care about speaking in front of others.

That's good! Congratulations! t:

But of course, now that I've done this steps, I'm already asking what's next. A friend of mine told me to invite her to a group lunch thing since they're going to be going to her favorite burger place. So the plan now is to invite her to come with us so that we could get to know each other better without the pressure of it being a date, or having me move too fast. She also seems very shy, much like myself, which kinda worries me because I know how bad I can be at times, even though now I'm much more loose and talkative at the office.

Invite her to the group lunch thing and see what happens. If you're worried about her perhaps being a tad too shy, try and get her to break out of her shell a little. Probe a little bit to see what her interests and hobbies are and get her to talk about those things.

I'm actually going through the same issue with my case. The girl I want to talk to has a car, but I don't, and where we work, you pretty much need a car to go anywhere, unless you want to walk across the street to the cheap pizza/burger place.

Personally, I'd feel a little embarrassed if the girl I was dating could drive and I couldn't. I know it's really silly, and it would make seeing each other and going on dates a lot easier, but I would just feel so frustrated at times.

I guess it depends on how old you are and where you live.

I live in a relatively small town. Not even close to being a big city, but you still need a car if you wanna go out and do stuff. There is public transportation I could use, but that would get really old, really fast. But I suppose if you want something enough, you have to be willing to make sacrifices.

...its a little embarrassing asking a girl out and then asking her to drive you too.

Yep.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

Edit. Nvm. Stupidness.

 

[Anita18]

Should I let the fact that I can't drive hold me back from asking someone out? I want to start dating, but I don't have a car or a license. I have a job (and will be starting another one tomorrow), so paying for dinner or whatever isn't a problem, but I'm really insecure about the fact that I can't drive. Am I just being silly?

Well, is there a reason why you don't drive? In SpideyVille's case, he's never had a need to because he lives in a large city with great public transportation.

If you're scared to learn and ask your friends/family to drive you everywhere you want to go, that's another thing entirely.

Women (and men, at least the men that I want to hang out with ) dislike moochers. If your life is going fine taking public transportation and biking, you shouldn't apologize for not driving. Ask to meet at a place that you can easily get to by public transit. Don't mention it until you finally "have" to meet someplace where you'd have to drive.

If it's one of the first things you mention when you meet a girl, it's going to be very clear that it bothers you A LOT and you're extremely insecure about it. If you're insecure about it, you should do something about it. And if you're a ride moocher, get off your duff and learn how to drive already.

The dealbreakers aren't what's on paper, but your mindset.

But of course, now that I've done this steps, I'm already asking what's next. A friend of mine told me to invite her to a group lunch thing since they're going to be going to her favorite burger place. So the plan now is to invite her to come with us so that we could get to know each other better without the pressure of it being a date, or having me move too fast. She also seems very shy, much like myself, which kinda worries me because I know how bad I can be at times, even though now I'm much more loose and talkative at the office.

Why is shy bad? I'm not a social butterfly and neither is my husband and both of us grew up extremely socially awkward, but that actually makes us perfect for each other. We get it.

Although that does mean that you'd probably have to make the moves first to get anywhere with her. But if she's shy, she'd probably be thankful she's getting any attention at all, so your job should be easier.

 

[SpideyVille]

That's good! Congratulations! t:



Invite her to the group lunch thing and see what happens. If you're worried about her perhaps being a tad too shy, try and get her to break out of her shell a little. Probe a little bit to see what her interests and hobbies are and get her to talk about those things.

Thanks. I've already heard some stuff from people, like about how she likes cats and photography, so I would like to use that info to my advantage.

Personally, I'd feel a little embarrassed if the girl I was dating could drive and I couldn't. I know it's really silly, and it would make seeing each other and going on dates a lot easier, but I would just feel so frustrated at times.



I live in a relatively small town. Not even close to being a big city, but you still need a car if you wanna go out and do stuff. There is public transportation I could use, but that would get really old, really fast. But I suppose if you want something enough, you have to be willing to make sacrifices.



Yep.

Yeah, I get you. But honestly, like Anita said, in the end it really shouldn't matter because if a girl likes you, she'll go out with you no matter what, at least in a simple world. Of course, we always complicate things for ourselves, like I've done on several occasions, but something like that, that you can most likely fix in the matter of weeks or months shouldn't hold you back. I man, like I said, it really is embarassing to ask a girl out and then expect her to take you out, but that should be a bridge you cross once you get to it.

Why is shy bad? I'm not a social butterfly and neither is my husband and both of us grew up extremely socially awkward, but that actually makes us perfect for each other. We get it.

Although that does mean that you'd probably have to make the moves first to get anywhere with her. But if she's shy, she'd probably be thankful she's getting any attention at all, so your job should be easier.

Yeah, some of my coworkers actually told me the other day that they didn't think she was right for me because I needed my perfect opposite, but the fact that she seems shy actually makes me like her more, probably because I feel like I can relate to her more, whereas other people wouldn't get it. My only concern is that I may not pick up on certain things from her because she might hold back. I don't want to come off as too progressive. But I've always felt, if I knew a girl liked me and I liked her, I wouldn't be afraid to make a move. I just need to pick up on that hint, and that's what I'm hoping to figure out next with her.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, I get you. But honestly, like Anita said, in the end it really shouldn't matter because if a girl likes you, she'll go out with you no matter what, at least in a simple world. Of course, we always complicate things for ourselves, like I've done on several occasions, but something like that, that you can most likely fix in the matter of weeks or months shouldn't hold you back. I man, like I said, it really is embarassing to ask a girl out and then expect her to take you out, but that should be a bridge you cross once you get to it.

Or you could be clever about it and only meet her at restaurants or theaters or whatever that you can get to by public transit. At least that would show you're resourceful and not a helpless moocher.

Yeah, some of my coworkers actually told me the other day that they didn't think she was right for me because I needed my perfect opposite, but the fact that she seems shy actually makes me like her more, probably because I feel like I can relate to her more, whereas other people wouldn't get it. My only concern is that I may not pick up on certain things from her because she might hold back. I don't want to come off as too progressive. But I've always felt, if I knew a girl liked me and I liked her, I wouldn't be afraid to make a move. I just need to pick up on that hint, and that's what I'm hoping to figure out next with her.

Why do you need your perfect opposite?

In my experience, most extroverts DO NOT understand an introvert's need for alone time. The fact that my husband and I are both introverts actually helps us out a lot. I'm much more willing to talk to people (or rather, listen to people as they talk to me ), but I understand his need for alone time and he really appreciates it. If he's not talking to me, that's totally fine. (Many extroverts don't handle silence well.) If he has an issue, he'll speak up. If he's quiet and his facial expression is neutral, he's content.

As for your worry that you might miss some signs from her, I'm not sure if women are better at hiding their emotions, but that's not been the experience for me. I can always tell when someone is upset, even when they don't say anything. Or maybe that's because I'm a woman myself and we're supposed to read faces better?

Figuring out what they're upset about is another thing entirely, though! And if someone isn't upfront with you about their feelings, they're just immature anyway, and you'll spend a lot of time confused.