The Relationship Thread: Single Posters on Patrol - Part 18

[Erzengel]

I just want to ask a question the has been on my mind. Is it possible to lose the ability to fall in love?

I think you'd have to be routinely effed over in marriages, long term relationships etc.

Being turned down by a slew of girls that you never really had a chance or never really dated? I think you're just being overly dramatic.

I think if you find that right person your outlook can change pretty quickly.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah, my cousin got lucky. He started to crush on a girl in his group of friends, and it just so happened that she was feeling the same way.

Erzette and I discussed this topic the other day and agreed to what I said about pre-dating relationships and obviously work ones. I did bring up another example, neighbors.

Erzette has a friend that I think would be great to hang out with and I would be fully trusted. But I think there is a loaded gun aspect of it. It only takes a moment of weakness to jeopardize your current relationship. You can go into that with the most honorable of intentions.

I know girls like Hopeful do have plenty of guy friends and I'm all about trust and believing in your partner. But I there is a level of respect you have to give to your partner. Just cause you don't think someone is going to happen doesn't mean some of her guy friends don't have ulterior motives.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Her being divorced and having a kid was a non issue. The divorce wasnt her fault at all, he cheated on her, she filed for divorce and he begged her not to. Wasnt her fault. So i was never going to hold that against her.

No, I was deff more than just a rebound. I know that. Its easy to say that looking on the outside(id say the same thing as well), but no, that wasnt the case. There was deff more between us than that. And im certain had i not of done what i did, things would be fine between us...altho it would prob be my baby shes having and then id be freaking out over a whole new set of issues.

I know you'll say I'm wrong and your relationship was different, but you were with her for 5 months, you were still in the puppy dog phase. The phase where you couldn't see her faults. You've said it many times that you're amazed you were even with her due to how hot she was, that just increases the blind spots. The puppy dog phase does end though and someone will start to see flaws and whether or not this is a person they want to keep seeing, if they'll stick by them when the going gets tough....

No thats not correct. Iv never made her cry, iv never insulted her, iv never put her down, iv never claimed i didnt really love her, he has done ALL of those things on multiple occasions. Im definitely the better individual through and through, no questions about that. She was/is just hung up on him. That happens.

Ugh, long story. But i was an ass. I saw some things on facebook that led me to believe she was cheating or being unfaithful(pictures of her and a dude all cozy and then him saying s**t like "havent felt this way about any one in a looong time, so happy i met you and tagging her name in the post, posting on her page calling her babe etc). I confronted her about it, she told me it was nothing and that this guy had done this before. He assumes theres more to their relationship. I didnt believe her and kept going on so she got fed up and ended things.

Now maybe she was gonna end it any way as like a month after we split she got back with her ex(whom she is now having a baby with). So maybe it was doomed from day one? Didnt feel like it tho.

Shes faultless, other than the fact she ended things too abruptly imo. Physically shes the definition of perfection. Like if i had a checklist for what i look for in a girl, she hit every box, twice.

And this is how it ended, with your jeaousy. Who knows she might have been cheating on you, but she did explain herself and you didn't believe it and kept harping on it. Puppy dog phase shattered, you're a jealous prick, I'm betting jealousy is where the ********* behaviors of her previous boyfriend started and not letting it go isn't something the better man does.

Also, you not believing her, means you think she's a liar, another fault for her.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Erzette and I discussed this topic the other day and agreed to what I said about pre-dating relationships and obviously work ones. I did bring up another example, neighbors.

Erzette has a friend that I think would be great to hang out with and I would be fully trusted. But I think there is a loaded gun aspect of it. It only takes a moment of weakness to jeopardize your current relationship. You can go into that with the most honorable of intentions.

I know girls like Hopeful do have plenty of guy friends and I'm all about trust and believing in your partner. But I there is a level of respect you have to give to your partner. Just cause you don't think someone is going to happen doesn't mean some of her guy friends don't have ulterior motives.

Well yeah, there is no way of knowing either way if the guy friends of your girlfriend have feelings for her, or even just 'wouldn't say no'.

But it's about trust.

You either trust that your girlfriend wouldn't cheat on you, or you don't trust her and therefore don't want to make it so easy for her to be tempted.

At the end of the day, if your dating someone who is only being faithful to you because she isn't allowed to spend too much time with other guys... is that really that great?

Wouldn't it be better to let her spend as much time as she wants with friends of any sex, even if her friends DID have other intentions, and know that she was faithful to you by choice?

 

[Erzengel]

It is but again you want to respect your relationship and not put yourself in a position like that. ie being at a bar at 2 am hammered.

Then again might be an age thing. When you are pushing 30 do you really want to be closing down a bar on a semi consistent basis.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'm a bit confused and perhaps missed something... where does the bar come in?

 

[Anita18]

I'm a bit confused and perhaps missed something... where does the bar come in?

Yeah I thought we were talking about friends just hanging out?

I guess it depends on the friends. A couple of my female friends have close longtime guy friends, and are quite happy for them when they get into a relationship or get married. The married female friends' husbands don't bat an eye. But we're all a bunch of geeks so the co-ed get-togethers usually happen around role-playing games (the nerd kind, not the sex kind ) or Magic games or WoW. There is definitely no flirting going on, let alone "temptation."

I mean, it would be one thing if it was a sudden change in behavior. If an opposite-sex acquaintance suddenly became best buds with your SO and saw them every other evening, then yeah, hold up. But hanging out with longtime opposite-sex friends is a different thing, I think.

 

[Erzengel]

I was trying to make this relatable to Hopeful. Pubs/bars seem to be common hang out spots for her.

And I have less issue with group outings. It's that 1 on 1 alone time that I think could become problematic.

And again, I have said multiple times of exceptions such as pre relationship friendships, work friends.

I have a few female friends that fit the pre relationship status that I could/would want to hang out with. But it wouldn't be on a semi consistent basis. I think you always have to put your spouse/sig other first not just in terms of time but again respect. If I had a friend who I and my spouse knew had the hots for me, and as much reassurance as I could give them, they'd have to be otherwise committed or the outings be in a group setting.

Maybe I'm talking in terms of a more particular situation or from the position that I'm in now, living with someone.

 

[Anita18]

I was trying to make this relatable to Hopeful. Pubs/bars seem to be common hang out spots for her.

And I have less issue with group outings. It's that 1 on 1 alone time that I think could become problematic.

And again, I have said multiple times of exceptions such as pre relationship friendships, work friends.

I have a few female friends that fit the pre relationship status that I could/would want to hang out with. But it wouldn't be on a semi consistent basis. I think you always have to put your spouse/sig other first not just in terms of time but again respect. If I had a friend who I and my spouse knew had the hots for me, and as much reassurance as I could give them, they'd have to be otherwise committed or the outings be in a group setting.

Maybe I'm talking in terms of a more particular situation or from the position that I'm in now, living with someone.

Yeah I think it really depends on the relationship.

I don't mind 1 on 1 alone time every month or so. But for introverts like us, more often than that is actually unusual. The only people I see every day are my coworkers, and the only people he sees every day are his skateboarding buddies. For him to suddenly be buddy-buddy with his ex would be very very weird, and thus make me suspicious. But it would be from the sudden change in behavior more than anything else.

 

[Frodo]

Well yeah, there is no way of knowing either way if the guy friends of your girlfriend have feelings for her, or even just 'wouldn't say no'.

But it's about trust.

You either trust that your girlfriend wouldn't cheat on you, or you don't trust her and therefore don't want to make it so easy for her to be tempted.

At the end of the day, if your dating someone who is only being faithful to you because she isn't allowed to spend too much time with other guys... is that really that great?

Wouldn't it be better to let her spend as much time as she wants with friends of any sex, even if her friends DID have other intentions, and know that she was faithful to you by choice?

This is how I feel as well, and I'm a guy. I mean, there's nothing you can do if another person happens to be attracted to you or your gf or bf. That's just human nature.

And the same time, if you're that hung up on thinking your partner will be tempted and that you don't trust them, then why are staying with to begin with?

I can understand not trusting a guy/female friend and being wary of their intentions , but it does take two to tango, and if your partner is committed to you, then you should find comfort in that fact he or she has already made her choice.

I really try not be that insecure jealous guy in those type of situations causes its more awkward than anything else , and in the end , you end up looking like the villain anyway. I've seen and heard of lots of guys who've had hangs ups with their gf's having guy friends at all , but they've usually ended up dumped and unhappy for the most part.

 

[Erzengel]

This is how I feel as well, and I'm a guy. I mean, there's nothing you can do if another person happens to be attracted to you or your gf or bf. That's just human nature.

I'm in a relationship where there is security that I can even look at someone else and say, they're attractive, I'd sleep with them without it turning into a 2 hour argument. I do know people who can't even look without getting the eye from their perspective others.

That being said, let me give you this scenario. And I think it's a fine line, but a line nonetheless. Your gf has a male friend, she has chosen you and she would never cheat on you. However, the male friend, is always making suggestive comments towards your gf. While I'd respect the gf's wishes, and let her talk to him and put him in his pace. If her response is, oh he's harmless, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, I do think that's an issue.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I think you'd have to be routinely effed over in marriages, long term relationships etc.

Being turned down by a slew of girls that you never really had a chance or never really dated? I think you're just being overly dramatic.

I think if you find that right person your outlook can change pretty quickly.

I think people feel how they feel, and while you can guide them in positive directions in their life, I don't think you can really tell someone how they should or shouldn't feel about a particular situation.

And really, that goes for anything in life, not just whether or not you think someone has been spurned enough to feel jaded.

As far as the issue of boyfriends / girlfriends hanging out with the opposite sex?

I agree, it's all about trust. When I was with my ex-girlfriend, she had a male friend that she hung out with a lot. However, I never felt a single tinge of threat or jealousy. I'm not saying my girlfriend did this just to make me feel better or whatever, but she had me meet him, I got to know him, I saw first hand the dynamic between the 2 of them, and I knew that he was not a threat to me and that she wasn't a threat to go off and fool around with him or anything. I didn't even particularly think those things to begin with, as I know they were friends long before I came into the picture, but it was never a situation that I ever had to feel even the slightest bit of jealousy over.

On the flip side, despite my antics with participating in cheating, I seem to be a guy that guys trust their girlfriends around. I had one friend long ago when I still lived in California, and her and I were always spending time together - alone, while her boyfriend was away, even often times late at night at her apartment. Trust factor was that I was friends with her boyfriend as well, they both knew me, and I never had any kind of intentions of making a move on her, despite the fact that people always thought her and I were having an affair or had secret feelings for each other. She was physically attractive, sure, but I didn't find myself ever having any desire for her. She was the cliche "like a sister" to me, and the one time I never had a problem with a girl saying I was "like her little brother".

There's also a girl more recently that I went to school with who was in a serious relationship, and she told me that her boyfriend actually preferred when I was around her, because according to her, he felt that I would watch over her and take care of her when he wasn't around. Basically, there WAS a guy who was always making advances on her (even though he too had a girlfriend), and wouldn't take no for an answer, and more than once I would have to separate him from her and keep him away from her. So her boyfriend ended up trusting having me around, and in a similar situation, while the girl is physically attractive, sure, I never had any desire to make a move on her or pursue anything further than just being friends.

So I guess it is all about trust. Some people trust more than others, and some people are more trustworthy than others. Despite some of my questionable actions in the past, most people that know me still believe me to be a trustworthy person around their women, so I guess there's that.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Trustworthy or non-threatening? Be honest, are you satisfied being the go-to "guy friend" or do you feel like you're always playing second fiddle to alpha-males and being used as an non-sexual emotional sponge for girls when their boyfriends aren't around? Are you satisfied with JUST friendship or do you gravitate towards this kind of role because you get a bit of a vicarious thrill out of it? Girls having guy friends isn't an issue. But when a straight, single guy plays the role usually reserved for the boyfriend as the understanding companion and becomes a near-constant presence when the boyfriend isn't around, there's usually some unhealthy psychological symbiosis going on; The guy gets attention from a pretty girl instead of being alone, but is safe from the risk of rejection.... while the girl has someone who will listen to her problems with more patience and understanding (or at least the facade of...) than her disinterested or absent boyfriend.

The key difference is that the guy companion, if he's not gay, sees the girl in a sexual light (despite your denials), while the girl rarely sees the understanding "friend-zoned" guy that way.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Trustworthy or non-threatening? Be honest, are you satisfied being the go-to "guy friend" or do you feel like you're always playing second fiddle to alpha-males and being used as an non-sexual emotional sponge for girls when their boyfriends aren't around? Are you satisfied with JUST friendship or do you gravitate towards this kind of role because you get a bit of a vicarious thrill out of it? Girls having guy friends isn't an issue. But when a straight, single guy plays the role usually reserved for the boyfriend as the understanding companion and becomes a near-constant presence when the boyfriend isn't around, there's usually some unhealthy psychological symbiosis going on; The guy gets attention from a pretty girl instead of being alone, but is safe from the risk of rejection.... while the girl has someone who will listen to her problems with more patience and understanding (or at least the facade of...) than her disinterested or absent boyfriend.

The key difference is that the guy companion, if he's not gay, sees the girl in a sexual light (despite your denials), while the girl rarely sees the understanding "friend-zoned" guy that way.

What are you talking about?

Both of these girls in question are girls that I have / had no romantic or sexual interest in, so I'm not "settling" for anything. I'm not even an emotional "sponge", because these girls aren't running to me when they have guy problems. They both were simply friendships where we could hang out and be friends with 2 people who had no romantic interest in each other.

Not every girl in my life has to be someone that I want a relationship with. It actually is possible to be friends with a girl and not have ulterior motives, and I happen to have quite a few female friends like that. And the fact that I have had 3 different women engage in sexual encounters with me, while involved in relationships with other men, I think diminishes the point you're trying to make about me being some timid, beta male emotional sponge kept in the back pocket. I'm not saying I'm proud of those experiences (although I'm also not saying I regret them), but I think it's hard for you to make the point you're trying to make when on numerous occasions I have been exactly the person you're claiming I'm not.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

The way you described it made it sound like "beta male emotional sponge." I'm not opposed to my girlfriend having male friends, but it's usually in a greater social setting with many people or it's someone they hang out with once in a while. I would feel uneasy if a dude was always hanging around my girlfriend, especially when I'm not around.

The cheating thing is pretty sleazy. Were those also with the girlfriends of guys who thought you were trustworthy alone? C'mon... there's not enough single girls out there? Cheating once I'd give you some leeway, but with three different people? That's pretty disrespectful and frankly you're lucky you didn't get beat up.

 

[Erzengel]

I think people feel how they feel, and while you can guide them in positive directions in their life, I don't think you can really tell someone how they should or shouldn't feel about a particular situation.

And really, that goes for anything in life, not just whether or not you think someone has been spurned enough to feel jaded.

If an 18 year old comes here and tries to commiserate with someone who's just got out of a messy 10 year marriage bringing up the time they just got out of a 2 month relationship, I think you can.

This board is FILLED with late teens/early twenties who poo poo on relationships and women because of that time when they liked a girl and they turned them down even though they had to nice to them.

Or those who feel that they can't be in a relationship right now, but quickly change their tunes when someone actually gives them the time of day.

If someone wants to get on their soapbox and say I feel this way because of this reason, you risk the chance of someone calling you out on it.

As far as the issue of boyfriends / girlfriends hanging out with the opposite sex?

I agree, it's all about trust. When I was with my ex-girlfriend, she had a male friend that she hung out with a lot. However, I never felt a single tinge of threat or jealousy. I'm not saying my girlfriend did this just to make me feel better or whatever, but she had me meet him, I got to know him, I saw first hand the dynamic between the 2 of them, and I knew that he was not a threat to me and that she wasn't a threat to go off and fool around with him or anything. I didn't even particularly think those things to begin with, as I know they were friends long before I came into the picture, but it was never a situation that I ever had to feel even the slightest bit of jealousy over.

On the flip side, despite my antics with participating in cheating, I seem to be a guy that guys trust their girlfriends around. I had one friend long ago when I still lived in California, and her and I were always spending time together - alone, while her boyfriend was away, even often times late at night at her apartment. Trust factor was that I was friends with her boyfriend as well, they both knew me, and I never had any kind of intentions of making a move on her, despite the fact that people always thought her and I were having an affair or had secret feelings for each other. She was physically attractive, sure, but I didn't find myself ever having any desire for her. She was the cliche "like a sister" to me, and the one time I never had a problem with a girl saying I was "like her little brother".

There's also a girl more recently that I went to school with who was in a serious relationship, and she told me that her boyfriend actually preferred when I was around her, because according to her, he felt that I would watch over her and take care of her when he wasn't around. Basically, there WAS a guy who was always making advances on her (even though he too had a girlfriend), and wouldn't take no for an answer, and more than once I would have to separate him from her and keep him away from her. So her boyfriend ended up trusting having me around, and in a similar situation, while the girl is physically attractive, sure, I never had any desire to make a move on her or pursue anything further than just being friends.

So I guess it is all about trust. Some people trust more than others, and some people are more trustworthy than others. Despite some of my questionable actions in the past, most people that know me still believe me to be a trustworthy person around their women, so I guess there's that.

It's trust on one end and respect on the other.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

The way you described it made it sound like "beta male emotional sponge." I'm not opposed to my girlfriend having male friends, but it's usually in a greater social setting with many people or it's someone they hang out with once in a while. I would feel uneasy if a dude was always hanging around my girlfriend, especially when I'm not around.

The cheating thing is pretty sleazy. Were those also with the girlfriends of guys who thought you were trustworthy alone? C'mon... there's not enough single girls out there? Cheating once I'd give you some leeway, but with three different people? That's pretty disrespectful and frankly you're lucky you didn't get beat up.

Like I said, I didn't say I was proud of it.

And for the record, no the girls that cheated with me aren't the girls who's boyfriends trusted me. These were completely different girls who pursued me and made something happen with me.

I'm not shifting blame, I allowed it to happen each time, knowing that it was cheating, so that makes me just as guilty. But I wasn't the one who pursued any one of these 3 girls.

But then again, this isn't new information either. The fact that I've done this is something that I've discussed openly on this thread for awhile now.

 

[Frodo]

I'm in a relationship where there is security that I can even look at someone else and say, they're attractive, I'd sleep with them without it turning into a 2 hour argument. I do know people who can't even look without getting the eye from their perspective others.

That being said, let me give you this scenario. And I think it's a fine line, but a line nonetheless. Your gf has a male friend, she has chosen you and she would never cheat on you. However, the male friend, is always making suggestive comments towards your gf. While I'd respect the gf's wishes, and let her talk to him and put him in his pace. If her response is, oh he's harmless, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, I do think that's an issue.

Yeah, I could agree that that scenario could be an issue. Now for me it depends. "He's harmless" I could take that alot better than, "I don't want to hurt his feelings". He's harmless says to me she doesn't take what he said that seriously or in her judgement he wouldn't act on it .

I don't want to hurt his feelings makes me say , " Wait a minute , my feelings are hurt or i'm uncomfortable with him doing that , shouldn't that matter ?" . You see what i'm saying? In that type of situation I would be a bit miffed though it would be more at her than him. But it depends on what "suggestive comments " are.

Though truth be told , If the gf really had a problem with what the male was saying she would put him in his place or tell not to do that. Even if she wasn't offended but knew her bf has a problem with it , she probably would say something to the guy friend or at least let him know in one way or another she didn't like it. If she doesn't have a problem with it and doesn't at least acknowledge that she understands why you would have a problem with it , then that is a different discussion.

 

[Anita18]

If an 18 year old comes here and tries to commiserate with someone who's just got out of a messy 10 year marriage bringing up the time they just got out of a 2 month relationship, I think you can.

This board is FILLED with late teens/early twenties who poo poo on relationships and women because of that time when they liked a girl and they turned them down even though they had to nice to them.

Yeah when you're 20 and haven't been in at least a year-long relationship, you can't really say anything about love. You can be very very strongly infatuated and that can certainly feel like love, but you unless get over that "he/she is so perfect and I want to be around them ALL THE TIME" hump, you're still inexperienced.

Yeah, I could agree that that scenario could be an issue. Now for me it depends. "He's harmless" I could take that alot better than, "I don't want to hurt his feelings". He's harmless says to me she doesn't take what he said that seriously or in her judgement he wouldn't act on it .

I don't want to hurt his feelings makes me say , " Wait a minute , my feelings are hurt or i'm uncomfortable with him doing that , shouldn't that matter ?" . You see what i'm saying? In that type of situation I would be a bit miffed though it would be more at her than him. But it depends on what "suggestive comments " are.

Though truth be told , If the gf really had a problem with what the male was saying she would put him in his place or tell not to do that. Even if she wasn't offended but knew her bf has a problem with it , she probably would say something to the guy friend or at least let him know in one way or another she didn't like it. If she doesn't have a problem with it and doesn't at least acknowledge that she understands why you would have a problem with it , then that is a different discussion.

I agree with this. If she's being bullied around by him and his suggestive comments are actually making her feel uncomfortable, that is definitely a different thing. She needs to get a backbone and stand up to him, that's the first thing.

I do know women who actively flirt with other men even though they're attached, because they have low self-esteem and they want to feel like they're still attractive in a general sense. (I will be honest and say that I'm not attractive in a general sense, but I'm already married and I'm lazy, so I don't care. )

But they have no intention of cheating, they just want the self-esteem boost. I have no good answer for that one. The women usually don't let their bf/husbands know they're doing that, so they do know it's "wrong"....

 

[Anita18]

Although I also have to say, this flirting is mostly casual flirting. There's no sexting going on outside of the relationship, which is just....squicky.

 

[Ant-manic]

It is but again you want to respect your relationship and not put yourself in a position like that. ie being at a bar at 2 am hammered.

Then again might be an age thing. When you are pushing 30 do you really want to be closing down a bar on a semi consistent basis.

is there much more to life? if it's not closing down a bar, it's closing down a bowling alley, a coffeehouse, or a movie theatre. then there are those who just play video games, watch bad tv, or surf the internet. being in a relationship doesn't change much; just throws responsibility into the mix.

 

[moviedoors]

I'm in a relationship where there is security that I can even look at someone else and say, they're attractive, I'd sleep with them without it turning into a 2 hour argument. I do know people who can't even look without getting the eye from their perspective others.

Heh. I'm in the uncharted territory of dating a girl who is bisexual and has a wandering eye that puts mine to shame. I went to Twin Peaks with her and she was practically drooling over all the short shorts.

I don't mean to brag (only I do), but it's all kinds of awesome.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Although I also have to say, this flirting is mostly casual flirting. There's no sexting going on outside of the relationship, which is just....squicky.

The problem is, the men they are flirting with might get their hopes up.

 

[Anita18]

The problem is, the men they are flirting with might get their hopes up.

Maybe, but if it stays just at casual flirting, one hopes that the guys would take the hint.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Maybe, but if it stays just at casual flirting, one hopes that the guys would take the hint.

In my experience, they never do.