The Relationship Thread: Single Posters on Patrol - Part 18

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Just to be clear, if it were only me that she acted like this with, I would say that she's not interested and would stop bothering her.

Stop trying to justify it. You're obsessively posting about her in this thread so it's clear you're obsessed with her in real life. Anita and I gave you good advice. Follow it or don't, but there's no change in my assessment of your situation.

 

[Anita18]

Just to be clear, if it were only me that she acted like this with, I would say that she's not interested and would stop bothering her. But she has the same behavior with the other two girls that I talk to who seem to be the closest to her out of everyone there. Like my friend got mad at her because they were planning to get their noses pierced together, but when she walks into my friend's room, she doesn't even acknowledge her half the time, whereas someone with a shy reputation like myself would pass by, take a moment and greet her in the morning. And even when the other girl that I'm friends with went to her to say Hello, she didn't answer, so she comes off as though she's stuck up, even though they say she's not really like that, ad joke around that she might even be deaf so if I try to talk to her, I would need to make sure I have her attention first.

And yesterday morning was a little weird because I got off the bus around the same time that she was driving into the parking lot, so we were both heading in at the same time, and she didn't bother to hold the door for me in the front. So when we were waiting for someone to buzz us into the next door, I stood away from her and didn't even try to make small talk. But then after we got buzzed in, she glanced behind to me, held the door open a bit and whispered Good Morning. So to me, it just seems like she's very self absorbed at times to really notice what's going on around her, which is something I can relate to since I was the same way for years. Its just really weird to see someone who can be that shy, especially since she's been there a lot longer than I have.

Still doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with her or that you have to fix her. That's not your business. Really.

 

[SpideyVille]

I'm not trying to change or fix her, I just want to understand what's wrong. If its on my end, and its something I haven't noticed, then I would like to fix it. But if its on her end, then I will learn how to deal with it. I've pretty much moved on from any hopes of a relationship, but there's just something in my gut that is interested in this girl and wants to get to know her because despite all of this talk about her, I still feel like there's someone worth getting to know in there.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

I'm not trying to change or fix her, I just want to understand what's wrong. If its on my end, and its something I haven't noticed, then I would like to fix it.

We've told you what's wrong. Multiple times. If you're this persistent with us, I can only imagine how interrogated the poor girl feels. Last time; You're obviously smothering her and coming off as needy. Give her space and THEN if she wants to talk to you, she will. Otherwise let it go. You won't solve a thing by confronting her.

 

[Anita18]

I'm not trying to change or fix her, I just want to understand what's wrong. If its on my end, and its something I haven't noticed, then I would like to fix it. But if its on her end, then I will learn how to deal with it. I've pretty much moved on from any hopes of a relationship, but there's just something in my gut that is interested in this girl and wants to get to know her because despite all of this talk about her, I still feel like there's someone worth getting to know in there.

Who decides what's wrong with her? You?

You can't change yourself to please everybody. This is the truth. But you seem to want to change yourself to please her, even if she's clearly not interested in you. What's the point?

Just let it go, man.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

It's amazing how myopic and, sorry, selfish Spideyville is being here. If only you could see from another person's perspective how your behavior is coming off. Even with your built-in bias, the story you're telling me still just screams "overly clingy and passive aggressive."

 

[Erzengel]

Just move on. Be cordial if you are near her. But don't go out if your way to talk to her and don't ask anyone else about her. (I am sure if it hasn't happened already, someone probably told her you liked her or maybe she already know.)

She could be just quiet. Like I said previously, maybe she is not there to make friends. Or maybe she knows you like her and is keeping her distance.

Whatever the reason, pushing the issue of "why" for her behavior will come off as obsessive. Just let it go.

 

[Anita18]

It's amazing how myopic and, sorry, selfish Spideyville is being here. If only you could see from another person's perspective how your behavior is coming off. Even with your built-in bias, the story you're telling me still just screams "overly clingy and passive aggressive."

Some folks are hard-wired for empathy and others are not. I'm one of the ones who are (well, aside from cold-blooded rapists, abusers, and murderers, then sorry, can't relate! And I'm coming after your ass ), and clearly, Spideyville is someone who's not.

Seriously Spideyville. Imagine you're one of the random coworkers you mistakenly ignored in the past week. (To make it better, pretend it's a dude.) What if they came up to you out of the blue and asked "Hey, what's wrong with you? You ignored me last Tuesday! How can I get you to like me?" How would you feel?

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

And what I've noticed about these kind of obsessive crushes, is that when you ask the crusher what he really likes or loves about the crushee, he can't answer. He waxes poetic about how they're destined for each other or there's something about her, but he can't say a single thing about her personality or character. It's lust-based and hard to control around the object of affection. So when it gets bollocksed up and the lust is unrequited they go crazy with neurosis about why they were rejected and convince themselves the problem must lie with the girl and not with them. And they need to "save" the girl from herself or some such crap, instead of seeing themselves for the creepy stalker they've become.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Some folks are hard-wired for empathy and others are not. I'm one of the ones who are (well, aside from cold-blooded rapists, abusers, and murderers, then sorry, can't relate! And I'm coming after your ass ), and clearly, Spideyville is someone who's not.

I actually think that's going too far and is not fair. I'm sure he has empathy (if not, he's what we call a sociopath). In this particular situation he's not self-aware of how his actions affect others and he assigns the blame for his failures onto others. But to say he lacks the hardwiring to have feelings for others is not our place to say, because we don't know him well enough just as he doesn't know that girl well enough.

 

[Erzengel]

If she wants to open up and seek you out let her come to you.

But I really doubt she will run into you a year from now asking why you never asked her out.

 

[Anita18]

I actually think that's going too far and is not fair. I'm sure he has empathy (if not, he's what we call a sociopath). In this particular situation he's not self-aware of how his actions affect others and he assigns the blame for his failures onto others. But to say he lacks the hardwiring to have feelings for others is not our place to say, because we don't know him well enough just as he doesn't know that girl well enough.

Well of course I'm not accusing him of completely lacking it. Although reading my post, it definitely might have come across as such - sorry! This is what I get for trying to write a complicated post at 4:30am....

I'm hard-wired (or brainwashed at an early age, it's hard to tell) to take others' feelings into account no matter what I do. I don't necessarily baby them, but I certainly consider them.

Right now I'm helping design an app for regular people, that provides very technical information. My partner is a very technical person, and keeps making suggestions that certainly shows all the data, but doesn't take a non-technical newbie's POV into account. First I and then I come up with suggestions that show the information that people would actually need. And prepare for some blistering arguments as to why my design is going to work better.

But more empathy can be trained with a little effort. My partner has actually come up with some very user-friendly suggestions in the past few days. You just have to step out of your own shoes and into someone else's, and make a very concerted effort to do so.

 

[kytrigger]

Pretty much agree with everything Anita, Erz, and JJJ said in here. Just drop it and move on with your life Spideyville. The idea that you want to confront her and find out if she has a problem with you specifically so you can remedy it is an exercise in futility. News flash: There will be multiple times in your life where people have a problem with you. Sometimes this means they will actively dislike you, sometimes it just means you don't quite gel. Big deal. Move on. **** happens.

You need to accept that there are people you won't always get along with (whether through their own "fault" or your own), no matter how much you want to. Like they said, since you work with her, be cordial, but ultimately realize you two AREN'T friends, and that maybe that's not a bad thing.

IF you insist on continuing to try and find out what's going on and trying to be friends with her, then I suggest buying her some nice lotion, placing it in a wicker basket, and leaving it on her desk with a note saying "It puts the lotion on the skin." Works EVERY time.

 

[Erzengel]

Just read about how some are meant to be alone. If by 30 I haven't been in one relationship I'm giving up. Buying a dog and will just be that.weird single lonely guy on the block

But then again if I'm not putting myself out there I must not want it bad enough

The older I get, the less interested I am in dating. I thought it would be the other way around.

Sorry, I'm coming back to this.

I've always said dating is easy but relationships are hard.

Is it that hard to actually meet people? Or are we becoming like Japan who might have a real problem because so many younger people are putting less emphasis on dating that the population is actually in decline.

 

[kytrigger]

Sorry, I'm coming back to this.

I've always said dating is easy but relationships are hard.

Is it that hard to actually meet people? Or are we becoming like Japan who might have a real problem because so many younger people are putting less emphasis on dating that the population is actually in decline.

I don't think it's as bad as Japan, but culture and our way of thinking is making it more difficult for people to meet. Not to sound like an old man, but I think much of it comes from the internet. We live in an age where due to facebook and twitter, we know almost everything about our friends, even the ones we aren't that close to. Knowing this much about people makes going up to a complete unknown stranger that much more awkward scary. I think this is why online dating has become so popular. It's not about the computer programs that match people up, it's so that people can know at least a tiny bit about the other person prior to actually meeting, which calms the nerves and makes it more like our regular life.

Now that being said, I still think guys in general need to start manning up when going out and actually introducing themselves to women in real life.

I also think the location you're in can make it harder to date. For example, in DC, there are plenty of single women, but it is a very young professional crowd where numerous women are focused solely on their careers, which isn't conducive to a new relationship usually. Obviously it's still possible, but less likely than in other areas.

 

[Erzengel]

You reach a certain age and online dating is just ideal.

You're out of school, most of your friends are already married and having them introduce you to their spouse's friends may not be ideal, you don't want to date from your work and you don't want to get involved in the bar scene.

 

[Anita18]

I don't think it's as bad as Japan, but culture and our way of thinking is making it more difficult for people to meet. Not to sound like an old man, but I think much of it comes from the internet. We live in an age where due to facebook and twitter, we know almost everything about our friends, even the ones we aren't that close to. Knowing this much about people makes going up to a complete unknown stranger that much more awkward scary. I think this is why online dating has become so popular. It's not about the computer programs that match people up, it's so that people can know at least a tiny bit about the other person prior to actually meeting, which calms the nerves and makes it more like our regular life.

Now that being said, I still think guys in general need to start manning up when going out and actually introducing themselves to women in real life.

I also think the location you're in can make it harder to date. For example, in DC, there are plenty of single women, but it is a very young professional crowd where numerous women are focused solely on their careers, which isn't conducive to a new relationship usually. Obviously it's still possible, but less likely than in other areas.

For a tiny petite woman like me who was raised by a paranoid father, this is actually a good thing. And culling at the chat level seems to have worked because I've met no bona fide creeps on any of the first dates I've had. -shrug-

Online dating is what you make of it. It's only an avenue for people to meet each other who otherwise wouldn't have. That people use it as a meat market checklist is dependent on the people who use it. It's not an inherent quality of the technology itself.

I would not have met my husband if it wasn't for online dating. We lived an hour from each other when we met, and both of us are introverted hermits working in different fields, so we don't go out to big events where we might have bumped into each other despite living an hour away. Online dating only allowed us to find each other. We still developed our relationship in person.

I think beyond online dating, mass media culture being what it is is harming relationship expectations. People have ridiculous expectations nowadays, and anything that isn't following the "relationship checklist" is tossed aside. Well, people aren't checklists, and so relationships aren't either.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

You reach a certain age and online dating is just ideal.

You're out of school, most of your friends are already married and having them introduce you to their spouse's friends may not be ideal, you don't want to date from your work and you don't want to get involved in the bar scene.

What's so bad about that?

 

[Erzengel]

Are there happy stories of couples meeting at their place of business? Yes.

But the relationships that turn sour and you're forced to see each other? If you're working in the incestious service industry or working some sort of summer or temporary job, it really doesn't matter. But if you've worked how many years through school and climbing the ladder, maybe it's not smart to attempt a relationship with a co-worker. You could be jeopardizing your career.

 

[Anita18]

What's so bad about that?

It's not that bad if you're in different departments or it's a dead-end kind of job (my friends worked at the Disneyland park and everyone's dated each other at some point), but if you work in the same group in a job you want to make a career of, it's baaaad.

What if you break up? Unless one of you quits, you'll be seeing each other every day. What if they have an in with your boss and hate your guts? You're screwed.

Plus word gets around and your personal reputation may go ahead of your professional reputation. In my field, we go to conferences to share our findings. The guy who may do good work but picks up at a lot of girls at the hotel bar....What do you think people remember about him? Yup.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

It's not that bad if you're in different departments or it's a dead-end kind of job (my friends worked at the Disneyland park and everyone's dated each other at some point), but if you work in the same group in a job you want to make a career of, it's baaaad.

What if you break up? Unless one of you quits, you'll be seeing each other every day. What if they have an in with your boss and hate your guts? You're screwed.

Plus word gets around and your personal reputation may go ahead of your professional reputation. In my field, we go to conferences to share our findings. The guy who may do good work but picks up at a lot of girls at the hotel bar....What do you think people remember about him? Yup.

That's a very good point.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I'm not trying to change or fix her, I just want to understand what's wrong. If its on my end, and its something I haven't noticed, then I would like to fix it. But if its on her end, then I will learn how to deal with it. I've pretty much moved on from any hopes of a relationship, but there's just something in my gut that is interested in this girl and wants to get to know her because despite all of this talk about her, I still feel like there's someone worth getting to know in there.

I'm going to echo everyone else and say let it go, it's not a big deal. This girl could be the type that just wants to work her 8 hours and go home to her own life. She may not want to mix her work life and social life and that's okay. Plus you're WAY overthinking things, you make a big deal if she says hi, like that's a sign she's totally into you, but the next day if she doesn't she's a frigid ice queen. When maybe that morning she's just had a bad morning and doesn't feel like being nice or social or she walked into a $#!tstorm of work to do. There's tons of reasons, plus from your stories it sounds like a lot of people at your work know you're interested in her and are being a little on creepy in trying to hook you up, like the lunch you and a coworker went to and she just happened to go with. She may be picking up on thatn and is uncomfortable with it.

 

[kytrigger]

For a tiny petite woman like me who was raised by a paranoid father, this is actually a good thing. And culling at the chat level seems to have worked because I've met no bona fide creeps on any of the first dates I've had. -shrug-

Online dating is what you make of it. It's only an avenue for people to meet each other who otherwise wouldn't have. That people use it as a meat market checklist is dependent on the people who use it. It's not an inherent quality of the technology itself.

I would not have met my husband if it wasn't for online dating. We lived an hour from each other when we met, and both of us are introverted hermits working in different fields, so we don't go out to big events where we might have bumped into each other despite living an hour away. Online dating only allowed us to find each other. We still developed our relationship in person.

I think beyond online dating, mass media culture being what it is is harming relationship expectations. People have ridiculous expectations nowadays, and anything that isn't following the "relationship checklist" is tossed aside. Well, people aren't checklists, and so relationships aren't either.

I agree and don't think anything is wrong with online dating. I was simply pointing out how one of the advantages of online dating is that you at least know something about the person before ever meeting, which to me, people are becoming increasingly dependent upon. I've known people to go out with friends, see someone that peaks their interest, but never go try and talk to them and instead go home and chat with someone online who they hope to eventually meet.

I just think that being able to talk to someone you don't know in person to be a valuable skill that is slowly going away now (and not just for dating, in general as well).

 

[Ant-manic]

I'm not trying to change or fix her, I just want to understand what's wrong. If its on my end, and its something I haven't noticed, then I would like to fix it. But if its on her end, then I will learn how to deal with it. I've pretty much moved on from any hopes of a relationship, but there's just something in my gut that is interested in this girl and wants to get to know her because despite all of this talk about her, I still feel like there's someone worth getting to know in there.

that's natural enough. and you're relatively young, iirc. i think it might be more useful to get to know yourself, though. what would understanding what is 'wrong' with her ultimately mean to you? is it who she is or what she represents?

i spent many summers as basically my high school friend's counselor. he was obsessed with one of our classmates; used to find any reason to drive by her house. i spent a lot of time helping him lose weight and improve his style; all in the hopes that he'd realize that this girl wasn't the end-all. but he could never see past his crush; despite girls being all over him. to wrap this up...he never had an answer for that question above. he didn't really know this girl (10 years later she came out as a lesbina). he had no gameplan for her accepting his advances. but something about her triggered an unhealthy fixation.

Family of origin issues. something to consider.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Who decides what's wrong with her? You?

You can't change yourself to please everybody. This is the truth. But you seem to want to change yourself to please her, even if she's clearly not interested in you. What's the point?

Just let it go, man.

I had the same problem when I was 14.