The Relationship Thread: Single Posters on Patrol - Part 18

[ProjectPat2280]

Like?

It's just that your knee-jerk reaction is always to talk about superficial things, that I have to believe that it's what was most important to you.

If someone asked me what was so great about my husband, in order, I probably wouldn't get to the first physical attribute until I got past #5. (Yes, even that physical attribute.)

Everything. She was what I wanted a gf to be. We had fun being around each other. She was funny, witty, little bit of a hard ass. She did everything I wanted a gf to do. She just had a personality that I was attracted to. It's hard to explain. She told me things that no other girls have said to me.

Well I value physical appearance pretty much above anything else. If I'm not physically attracted to someone, I don't care what their personality is. Not saying that's not important, but I have to be with someone I find attractive. Personality can increase that physical attraction but personality can't create it, not for me any way, unfortunately

Or maybe she just feels he's better for her, even if he's done all those horrible things to her and you didn't. Clearly she must be getting SOMETHING out of the relationship, even before she found out she was having his baby.

Or you might as well admit you are stuck on a hot girl who doesn't have a damn lick of sense.

Yea I really couldn't tell u. I mean hell there are girls that stay with guys that beat them, so who the hell knows

And yea it's very possible she doesn't have a damn bit of sense. I think she's proven that.

 

[Anita18]

Everything. She was what I wanted a gf to be. We had fun being around each other. She was funny, witty, little bit of a hard ass. She did everything I wanted a gf to do. She just had a personality that I was attracted to. It's hard to explain. She told me things that no other girls have said to me.

Well I value physical appearance pretty much above anything else. If I'm not physically attracted to someone, I don't care what their personality is. Not saying that's not important, but I have to be with someone I find attractive. Personality can increase that physical attraction but personality can't create it, not for me any way, unfortunately

Well, you're only in your early 20s. Those priorities will probably change when you get older. Unless you want to troll college campuses when you're 50. Don't be that creeper, please.

And my husband wasn't anything like I thought a bf should be, in terms of fulfilling checklists. He was better.

Yea I really couldn't tell u. I mean hell there are girls that stay with guys that beat them, so who the hell knows

And yea it's very possible she doesn't have a damn bit of sense. I think she's proven that.

For physically abused women, I think part of it is fear and part of it is that they are so beaten down by their partners, that they don't think they deserve better.

In her case, since she willingly went back to that guy after successfully "escaping" him, it's more likely that she doesn't have a lick of sense.

And I dunno, I personally am not attracted to people who aren't smart. A hot guy can go from to in a matter of seconds, depending on what he does or says and how stupid it is.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

Yea iv had the same happen. One of my sisters friends came over and she's super cute but after hanging out with her for a bit, that attraction shrunk to zilch. However iv never experienced the opposite. Iv never met a girl whose personality changed the fact that I didn't find her physically attractive. My first yr in school I met a girl like that. Super sweet, fun to be around, but I just didnt have a physical connection to her.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I don't have much to say regarding relationships. I've been in the friendzone 4 years with my best friend, it's a deep and dark place. That's all I have to say...

Yeah she knows, I'm not one of those guys who pines away for a girl and never says anything. I'm bold and make it known if I want to be with a girl. She "just doesn't feel that way."

Been there in my teens, but I seem to have completely lost the ability to fall in love that way since my ex.

The only person I've had the remotest feelings for over the past 6/7 years was someone I was sort of involved with, and that was over about 5 years ago.

TBH, at this stage, i'd take the heartache of unrequited love over the emptiness i've been feeling. I just feel sort of like my heart is numb. I mean I meet so many people and not one of them sparks anything in me that makes me wanna know them longer than a night.

Yea i think JJJ prob has a point. Iv done that with my ex. We split what, 4 months ago? And its still no better. Iv been out with a few girls for coffee/lunch and at the end of it, im just like, nope you aint her and I move on. My question is, if iv put her on a pedestal, how the hell do i remove her?

I don't think you have to remove her. You just have to realise more than one person can fit on that pedestal. It can be full of girls

I guess you will see how much her friendship means to you if you ever do meet someone else. Not sure any girl would be comfortable that you are best friends with a girl you carried a torch for, for 4+ years and I figure you haven't dated anyone on the mean time.

You REALLY don't believe in having female friends do you?

Make a list of her faults and obsess over them for a full week.

Walk in on her droppin' a duke.

Punch yourself in the crotch whenever you think about how awesome she is.

Liquor.

Shes faultless, other than the fact she ended things too abruptly imo. Physically shes the definition of perfection. Like if i had a checklist for what i look for in a girl, she hit every box, twice.

Nobody is faultless.

The trouble is, when you're in love, you kind of love their faults too. You become attached to them or find them endearing.

It's not until you're over it, that you're able to look back and laugh at how annoying some of that stuff would be if you had to deal with it now.

Yea and thats what i figure. I was gonna ask others how long they took to get over an ex, i mean im going on 4 months and while thinking about her daily is a thing of the past, the smallest and dumbest s**t will remind me of her, then i kinda have a relapse. And like dating, all i can think is im out with someone who isnt her. But im sure itll just take that "correct" individual to stop those thoughts.

Yeah it's really really hard to get over someone until you have something to replace it with.

My best friend and her husband broke up last summer. 3 months later she started dating another guy, and recently they were talking about having kids.

That's just the kind of person she is tho. He feelings are sort of easily transferable, and she has never been out of a serious relationship longer than a year (and man was she miserable that year!). Plus she's gorgeous and skinny and has a great personality, so if she wants a guy, there's not many that say no.

Me on the other hand (and my mum funnily enough), don't get over things quite so easily. Because when we DO fall in love, we're truly in love with that person... it's not so easy to just put those feelings onto someone else, because it's not about the loss of the feelings, it's the loss of the person themself.

Plus, i'm not as attractive or perfect in the body department, so on the few occasions over the last few years that I have stepped up to the plate and asked a guy out, they have said no.

You just have to take it as it comes I think.

There are always ways of getting closure, but sometimes it's something that can't be forced.

Like I said, just try and make room in your heart to love someone else AS WELL, rather than trying to eject her.

 

[webhead9707]

Been there in my teens, but I seem to have completely lost the ability to fall in love that way since my ex.

The only person I've had the remotest feelings for over the past 6/7 years was someone I was sort of involved with, and that was over about 5 years ago.

TBH, at this stage, i'd take the heartache of unrequited love over the emptiness i've been feeling. I just feel sort of like my heart is numb. I mean I meet so many people and not one of them sparks anything in me that makes me wanna know them longer than a night.



I don't think you have to remove her. You just have to realise more than one person can fit on that pedestal. It can be full of girls



You REALLY don't believe in having female friends do you?

Dang man, that sucks. That's a good point though about there being room for more than one person on the pedestal.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Time takes away the pain. My ex-bf in college gave me a blanket with a caffeine molecule printed on it. We made out under it all the time.

My husband is using that blanket right now, to sleep with. I haven't told him my ex gave me that blanket and we used to make out under it. I'd actually forgotten about that until this very minute.

Would he mind if he knew?

 

[Erzengel]

You REALLY don't believe in having female friends do you?

I've always gotten along better with females ironically.

Again this may be a UK/US culture thing but I have an ex whom I think is still a friend. On a couple of occasions we have met up and it was strictly platonic, during my relationship now. Erzette trusts me and is probably more reasonable than most partners.

However, there would probably be a problem if it was a consistent thing. If I met up with them once a month. The fact that it's been sporadic and my ex lives in another state helps. Does that make sense?

And webhead's scenario is maybe worse than mine, even though I slept with my ex, I don't have unrequited feelings remaining. Webhead, if you asked my opinion, being "best friends" with this girl for 4 years, if he's not "in love" with her, I'd be very much surprised.

Now imagine hopeful, you start dating webhead. I'm sure you're pretty progressive but wouldn't it bother you just a little that he's been in love with this girl for 4+ years and continues to hang out with her?

Not saying he has to cut her out of his life, but if he were to make an honest effort into dating you, he'd have to invest more time into you than into her to make a relationship work. No?

 

[Erzengel]

Yea iv had the same happen. One of my sisters friends came over and she's super cute but after hanging out with her for a bit, that attraction shrunk to zilch. However iv never experienced the opposite. Iv never met a girl whose personality changed the fact that I didn't find her physically attractive. My first yr in school I met a girl like that. Super sweet, fun to be around, but I just didnt have a physical connection to her.

This is why most of us were on you to distance yourself. Just for your sanity until you were over her.

Which you will be. I know you said that against your better senses you could see yourself taking her back, I don't know what your situation is. Living at home, going to school, but I imagine all you would have to possibly give up just to to eventually take this girl in.

 

[Anita18]

Would he mind if he knew?

Don't think so. But there's just no reason for him to know, and he's the kind of guy to worry WHY it was such a big deal that I had to tell him out of the blue, instead of the actual fact.

Where I got that blanket occurs very little to me nowadays.

Now imagine hopeful, you start dating webhead. I'm sure you're pretty progressive but wouldn't it bother you just a little that he's been in love with this girl for 4+ years and continues to hang out with her?

Not saying he has to cut her out of his life, but if he were to make an honest effort into dating you, he'd have to invest more time into you than into her to make a relationship work. No?

I guess that stuff doesn't occur to me since my husband is in very bro-heavy stuff and doesn't hang around women in general, but beyond that, I have a bigger, more pertinent concern.

I just think it's kind of dumb to be in love with someone for 4 years but not make concerted efforts to snap yourself out of it, especially if it's clear it's not going anywhere.

It makes me question his expectations, especially if he's looking for someone "just like" his best friend. Of course he knows her well, but not everyone is the same in a romantic relationship. He really has no idea what she'd be like if they were actually in a relationship together. So to have the expectation that someone else has to be "just like her" for him to consider a relationship is the part that'd make me pause. He just doesn't know in the first place.

You shouldn't have a checklist for your future partner for them to fulfill without their knowledge. There's so many things they can bring to the table that might not be part of that checklist. It's unfair.

 

[the last son]

Sort of my problem of looking at negatives of a person instead of positives. I'm working on it though.

 

[Erzengel]

Insecurities would rear it's head and it would be natural feelings for some people to have.

Sticking semi on topic, I'd love to have more friends. But it's hard, I work 40 hours a week, hour and a half round trip commute, gym, I come home and have to make myself something to eat and just relax. Now add on to that that I have a fiance that works nights so we do go days without seeing each other so when we do, it's special and I try not to schedule going out on those days so we can spend time together. I still have friends, I just don't see them as frequently as I use to. It happens but you just have to make more of an effort.

Now getting back to hopeful again, I'd think it'd be very awkward if I met a member of an opposite sex now outside of say work and tried to form a friendship. It's one thing to have friends that predate your relationship, or to develop new ones through work but unless you're meeting them as part of a couple. It just feels weird.

 

[Erzengel]

Sort of my problem of looking at negatives of a person instead of positives. I'm working on it though.

It's hard the longer you put off trying to meet people. The older you get the more you seem to make excuses it's almost a self fulfilling prophecy of why you're single.

No one is going to be perfect for you. You find a girl who's 60% compatible with you in terms of interests, beliefs, personality, you take her and run.

Someone who is into everything you are, looks like your favorite movie star crush, is intellectually on your level and shares your same belief system and oh is financially secure, doesn't exist.

 

[the last son]

Yea, I don't think you should make any female friends you hang with, just the two of you all.

 

[Erzengel]

 

[Anita18]

Insecurities would rear it's head and it would be natural feelings for some people to have.

Sticking semi on topic, I'd love to have more friends. But it's hard, I work 40 hours a week, hour and a half round trip commute, gym, I come home and have to make myself something to eat and just relax. Now add on to that that I have a fiance that works nights so we do go days without seeing each other so when we do, it's special and I try not to schedule going out on those days so we can spend time together. I still have friends, I just don't see them as frequently as I use to. It happens but you just have to make more of an effort.

Now getting back to hopeful again, I'd think it'd be very awkward if I met a member of an opposite sex now outside of say work and tried to form a friendship. It's one thing to have friends that predate your relationship, or to develop new ones through work but unless you're meeting them as part of a couple. It just feels weird.

I dunno, I think it's possible. I've been meeting some cool guys from Meetups and Toastmasters. Turns out we're interested in the same work-related stuff, so I guess it's work-related although not through "work." I'm married, they're married, but it's nice to talk to someone who's developing the same stuff I am.

But what do I know? I'm a woman. And I think I have a special talent of quashing sexual tension wherever I go.

It's hard the longer you put off trying to meet people. The older you get the more you seem to make excuses it's almost a self fulfilling prophecy of why you're single.

No one is going to be perfect for you. You find a girl who's 60% compatible with you in terms of interests, beliefs, personality, you take her and run.

Someone who is into everything you are, looks like your favorite movie star crush, is intellectually on your level and shares your same belief system and oh is financially secure, doesn't exist.

Being into everything you are is entirely superficial. I enjoy learning about skateboarding, even if I'm not even 1% as into it as my husband is.

I think "sharing your belief system" is the most important thing. Everything else is like whatever.

 

[Erzengel]

I dunno, I think it's possible. I've been meeting some cool guys from Meetups and Toastmasters. Turns out we're interested in the same work-related stuff, so I guess it's work-related although not through "work." I'm married, they're married, but it's nice to talk to someone who's developing the same stuff I am.

But what do I know? I'm a woman. And I think I have a special talent of quashing sexual tension wherever I go.

If I met someone at say a comic book convention and we hit it off great? And we were both married? Say her husband wasn't into comic books and she wanted to watch the Wolverine together? It'd just feel too much like a date.

And having them at my house playing video games, another thing Erzette doesn't really do, she going to go upstairs while me and my new friend play into the early mornings?

It might sound like a double standard, because it wouldn't be an issue if she was a dude. I just see it developing into a problem down the road.

Being into everything you are is entirely superficial. I enjoy learning about skateboarding, even if I'm not even 1% as into it as my husband is.

I think "sharing your belief system" is the most important thing. Everything else is like whatever.

I laugh when guys here are looking for a girl who's into comics, toys, video games, movies etc. Maybe you'll find a Felicia Day but you're more likely to find someone who will tolerate your interests.

And I make no qualms about it, I'm superficial so someone's looks would be somewhat important. There would have to be a definite physical attraction.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

This is why most of us were on you to distance yourself. Just for your sanity until you were over her.

Yea and i pretty much did. I havent contacted her once since we split(in early May), i mean we've spoken, but she contacted me. The last time i spoke with her was a little under a month ago and that was just her telling me that she was on her way to pick up her bf and bring him back. I havent spoken to her since and still dont plan on contacting her. I mean iv thought about it, thought about sending her a text seeing how she was, but eh I just dont wanna open anything up if I dont have to.

 

[Erzengel]

That's good you're resisting the urge. It does get easier day after day. Hopefully she doesn't call when you are meeting up with someone else and have a setback.

 

[webhead9707]

Don't think so. But there's just no reason for him to know, and he's the kind of guy to worry WHY it was such a big deal that I had to tell him out of the blue, instead of the actual fact.

Where I got that blanket occurs very little to me nowadays.


I guess that stuff doesn't occur to me since my husband is in very bro-heavy stuff and doesn't hang around women in general, but beyond that, I have a bigger, more pertinent concern.

I just think it's kind of dumb to be in love with someone for 4 years but not make concerted efforts to snap yourself out of it, especially if it's clear it's not going anywhere.

It makes me question his expectations, especially if he's looking for someone "just like" his best friend. Of course he knows her well, but not everyone is the same in a romantic relationship. He really has no idea what she'd be like if they were actually in a relationship together. So to have the expectation that someone else has to be "just like her" for him to consider a relationship is the part that'd make me pause. He just doesn't know in the first place.

You shouldn't have a checklist for your future partner for them to fulfill without their knowledge. There's so many things they can bring to the table that might not be part of that checklist. It's unfair.

I've tried to get over her, it just hasn't worked. I'm not chasing her anymore at least, she knows how I feel and every now and then we make talk about it, but I'm not actively trying to win her over or anything like I used to, so maybe that's worth something. I'm not looking for a girl just like her, that would be crazy. I just want a girl who fits what I want/need, it just so happens that she's the come the closest to fitting what I want/need out of all the girls I've known.

Hahaha, does it help that I was in it for a relationship and not to get laid?

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Everything. She was what I wanted a gf to be. We had fun being around each other. She was funny, witty, little bit of a hard ass. She did everything I wanted a gf to do. She just had a personality that I was attracted to. It's hard to explain. She told me things that no other girls have said to me.

Well I value physical appearance pretty much above anything else. If I'm not physically attracted to someone, I don't care what their personality is. Not saying that's not important, but I have to be with someone I find attractive. Personality can increase that physical attraction but personality can't create it, not for me any way, unfortunately

Yea I really couldn't tell u. I mean hell there are girls that stay with guys that beat them, so who the hell knows

And yea it's very possible she doesn't have a damn bit of sense. I think she's proven that.

Really? She was everythig you ever wanted? A early to mid 20s divorcee with a kid who's still hung up on her ex boyfriend is everything you ever wanted? You were her rebound, that's it. It may sound harsh, but from everything you've said about her, that's the truth. Until you take off the rose colored glasses about her, you can't move on, but you don't want to take off those glasses. She wasn't perfect, no one is, a divorce and a kid isn't perfecion.

Oh, also you're not better than the ex/new boyfriend. Want to know why you're not better? Because you think you are better than him, the better man doesn't think and proclaim that.

I've tried to get over her, it just hasn't worked. I'm not chasing her anymore at least, she knows how I feel and every now and then we make talk about it, but I'm not actively trying to win her over or anything like I used to, so maybe that's worth something. I'm not looking for a girl just like her, that would be crazy. I just want a girl who fits what I want/need, it just so happens that she's the come the closest to fitting what I want/need out of all the girls I've known.

Hahaha, does it help that I was in it for a relationship and not to get laid?

It doesn't, that's a lie the nice guy always tells himself. So in his mind he's better than the ******* who knows he wants the physical aspect of the relationship as well as the emotional and gets both.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

Really? She was everythig you ever wanted? A early to mid 20s divorcee with a kid who's still hung up on her ex boyfriend is everything you ever wanted? You were her rebound, that's it. It may sound harsh, but from everything you've said about her, that's the truth. Until you take off the rose colored glasses about her, you can't move on, but you don't want to take off those glasses. She wasn't perfect, no one is, a divorce and a kid isn't perfecion.

Her being divorced and having a kid was a non issue. The divorce wasnt her fault at all, he cheated on her, she filed for divorce and he begged her not to. Wasnt her fault. So i was never going to hold that against her.

No, I was deff more than just a rebound. I know that. Its easy to say that looking on the outside(id say the same thing as well), but no, that wasnt the case. There was deff more between us than that. And im certain had i not of done what i did, things would be fine between us...altho it would prob be my baby shes having and then id be freaking out over a whole new set of issues.

Oh, also you're not better than the ex/new boyfriend. Want to know why you're not better? Because you think you are better than him, the better man doesn't think and proclaim that.

No thats not correct. Iv never made her cry, iv never insulted her, iv never put her down, iv never claimed i didnt really love her, he has done ALL of those things on multiple occasions. Im definitely the better individual through and through, no questions about that. She was/is just hung up on him. That happens.

 

[Erzengel]

Again, speaking from somewhat of experience, 3 months isn't exactly a long love affair either.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

That's good you're resisting the urge. It does get easier day after day. Hopefully she doesn't call when you are meeting up with someone else and have a setback.

Yea I fear that, but its not an issue I dwell on. The urge to contact her has all but evaporated. Like i said, im not going to actively put myself on that road again.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

Again, speaking from somewhat of experience, 3 months isn't exactly a long love affair either.

Closer to 5 months and yea I agree. But it was a MUCH more intense 5 months than any of my past relationships. She was the first person iv felt as tho, 'yep, shes the one' and she said the same things to me, in fact she brought it up first. So as iv stated, that was new to me, which is why i did a poor job of handling the end to the relationship.

 

[Erzengel]

Relationships when you are in your late teens and early twenties always "feel" more intense.