World Things Spider-Man would NEVER say.

[Chris Wallace]

Spider-Man (to Punisher): Is that a .357 Magnum in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Actually, he might say that one.

 

[Bat Brain]

Spider-Man: Maybe i should find a sidekick who dresses in bright colours and is called after a bird. Like that batman guy did.

 

[Chris Wallace]

Spider-Man: Maybe i should find a sidekick who dresses in bright colours and is called after a bird. Like that batman guy did.

Another one I wouldn't rule out. Maybe the title of this thread should've been "Things Spider-Man would never say & mean."

 

[Swordmaster]

SM:Aunt May?
AM:Yes?
SM: WHY WON'T YOU DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[hulkamania85]

To Black Cat: "Have you put on a few pounds? Two words: Jenny Craig."

Wait a sec, he did say that. Spider-Man definitely likes to say things others wouldn't. Okay, he wouldn't say that line to MJ.

 

[The Navigator]

Spider-Man: "Ditto," you provincial putz?

Spider-Man: Now repeat after me: "I..."
Crowd: I...
Spider-Man: Your name...
Crowd: Your name...
Spider-Man: Shmucks.

Spider-Man: You men will only be risking you lives....while I will be risking an almost certain academy award nomination for Best Supporting Actor.

 

[The Navigator]

Venom: AHH! What was that?
(leaps into Spider-Man's arms. spidey begins to comfort him)
Spider-Man: Easy, Eddie, it's just a man and a horse being hung....(begins singing a lullaby)

Doc Ock: Work, work work, work work work...(looks at BC's boobies) Hello boys, how was your day? I missed you.
Spider-Man: Just sign this.
Doc Ock: What the hell is this?
Spider-Man: Oh, this will turn the Stan Lee Institute for the Insane into the Otto Octavius Memorial Gambling Bar and Casino for the Insane.
Doc Ock: Gentlemen! This will be a giant leap forward in the treatment of the insane gambler.

(Luke Cage and Iron fist, disguised as KKK members, come up to Spider-Man's little sign-up table)
Spider-Man: State your criminal record.
Cage: Stampeding cattle.
Spider-Man: That's not much of a crime.
Cage: Through the vatican?
Spider-Man: Kinky! Sign here.
(Cage forgets his skin color and reaches out to sign)
Fist: Why Rhett! I thought I told you to wash regularly after your weekly cross-burning! (wipes at Cage's skin) See, it's comin' off.

 

[Bat Brain]

^^^

Doc Ock: (At McDonalds Drive-Thru) Hi ummm, i'd like a Big-Mac and super-size it please. Actually, you know what, i'll just have small fries. I'm trying to watch my weight.

 

[The Navigator]

Spider-Man: Allow myself to introduce....myself.


Venom: I'm sorry, I thought you said your name was "Alotta Fachina."


Peter: Ock....do you really expect them to pay?
Doc Ock: Why no, Mr. Parker, I expect them to die.

Doc Ock: You may notice, Mr. Parker, that the pool is filled with sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every animal deserves a warm meal...
Nick Fury: Uh, sir? We were unable to get sharks. What with the red tape and environmental groups, it just couldn't be done.
Doc Ock:....OK, I have just one simple request here, and that is for sharks with frickin' laser beams! Now, apparently, my cycloptic advisor tells me we can't even have that. So...what do we have?
Fury: Mutated sea bass.
Doc Ock:.....right....are they ill-tempered sea bass?
Fury: Oh, absolutely.
Doc Ock: Well, that's a start. Begin the ridiculously slow dipping mechnism! And close the doors!
Cyclops: Wait a minute....you're not even going to see them die?
Doc Ock: No, I'm not actually going to see their demise, I'm just going to close the doors, go about my business, and assume everything went according to plan. What?
Cyclops: I have a gun in my room. Just give me five minutes--
Doc Ock: Scott....you just...don't get it, do you?
Cyclops: Look, just--
Doc Ock: Shh!
Cyclops: But if you just--
Doc Ock: Shh!
Cyclops: But--
Doc Ock: Let me tell you a little story about a man named SHH!
Cyclops: If you'd just--
Doc Ock: Knock knock.
Cyclops: Who's there?
Doc Ock: Shh! And Shh! That was a pre-emptive shh. Just want you to know I have a whole bag of "shh" with your name on it right here.

 

[The Navigator]

Doc Ock: Kaine! Let's step outside!
Carolyn Trainer: YOU!! GET OUT OF HERE! YOU'RE OBSOLETE!!

(Spidey and Venom confronted by a thief with a gun)
Spidey: Venom, wake up!
Venom (to crook): Good morning!
(bullets impact harmlessly on the symbiote)
Spidey: What are you doing? Take him out!
Venom: (to crook) I think we should talk!
(Spidey knocks his gun out of the way with a web-ball, which causes a bullet to kill the crook)
Spidey: What's WITH you?
(goes into convenience store, where a bloody Xavier is surrounded by X-men and an empty, looted store)
Spidey: Where'd they go?
Xavier (thickly): Where'd they go? They're still here! The little bastards!
Spidey: Hands up! Nobody move!
(He hears something outside and sees Venom holding the dead guy and pointing at him)
Venom: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law...
Spidey: He's dead, Venom.
Venom: You have the right to an attorney...
Spidey: You're reading miranda to a corpse!
(Venom looks from the dead guy to Spider-Man, drops the dead guy, and steeples his fingers)
Venom: I'm having....trouble.

 

[Chris Wallace]

Any...original ones?

 

[The Navigator]

Yes, actually.


Spider-Man: See, I always thought of you as the "Juliet" of my love life, Gwen. Always b1tchin' and gettin' yourself killed...



Doc Ock: You have mocked me for the second to the last time, Spider-Man!



GG: Hellloooooooooo, JMS.....
JMS: Oh, dear God. Put some pants on.
GG: Don't you like me this way...?

 

[DarkKnightJRK]

Black Cat:"Peter have you seen my *****?"

Continuing:

Peter: I have among other private regions; just don't tell MJ about it.

 

[Chris Wallace]

"I am completely confident that Iron Man has my best interests at heart, & I have no fear that mJ or Aunt May will be brutally murdered because I listened to him."

 

[Chris Wallace]

If I'd known about Gwen & Norman I would've thrown her off that bridge my damn self!

 

[redmarvel]

I'm going to pick a couple of lines from a song for this one:

"It's worse than that, he's dead Jim"
"We come in peace, shoot to kill"
"There's Klingons on the starboard bow"
"It's life, Jim, but not as we know it"

(Star Trekkin' by the Firm)

 

[redmarvel]

"I'm going to use Doctor Doom's time platform to join the Two-Gun Kid and clean up the old west. I'm fed up with NY"

 

[November Rain]

To Sandman: You're a real sonnuva BEACH

 

[freemadison]

"I am completely confident that Iron Man has my best interests at heart, & I have no fear that mJ or Aunt May will be brutally murdered because I listened to him."

But isn't that what he actually said/did? t:

Anyways...

Spidey: Oh my god...I think i'm degenerating!....
MJ: Oh m...
Spidey: Just kidding. Dumb *****. I'm REAL!

Spidey: Honey, you gotta see this. Norman's myspace is hilarious!

Clerk: Stop! Thief!
Spidey: Hey buddy, not my problem.

 

[3dman27]

its an IRON MAN WORLD and i'm just xXx

 

[Chris Wallace]

But isn't that what he actually said/did? t:

Which is why I put it there.

 

[Chris Wallace]

"You know what we call that? We call that a web-slingin' ass-kickin'!"

 

[redmarvel]

"Say hello to my little friend"... (can you picture ANY context in which you would WANT PP/SM to say this... NOT EVEN in a bedroom clutch with MJ would this be appropriate)

 

[3dman27]

spidey on hearing there's going to be a movie about him[the movie within a movie]
"personally i'd rather see an IRON MAN flick i'd LOVE to work for someone like HIM"

 

[Cyclops]

"My name is Peter Parker, and I've been Spider-Man since I was fifteen years old."