What Happens in Marvel Vegas Stays in Marvel Vegas

[bored]

Part 1: Friday

A bus pulled up to the Luxor hotel. As soon as the doors opened, several men poured out, all wearing strange costumes.

Cyclops: Okay, guys, we're here until Monday morning. Remember, this trip is for fun and fun only. So Punisher, you don't get to kill people.

Punisher: Not even hookers?

Cyclops: Well, that depends. See, prostitution is legal in Nevada, so they aren't criminals. However, if you're killing a hooker as part of the Las Vegas experience, then yes, that is an exception. It's just like the politicians do.

Punisher: Prostitution is legal here?

Iron Man: And gambling.

Punisher: G-gambling?

Iron Man: Yeah. Hell, sex and gambling are basically the economy of this town.

Punisher: What about Celine Dion?

Iron Fist: She owns like, six brothels on the outskirts of the city. I took some associates from Randcorps to one of them for a retreat last month.

Punisher: And we're not supposed to do anything?

Deadpool: Just party, Big Pun. Come on, I'll take you to the MGM Grand. I'm sure there's something there you'll enjoy.

Punisher's lip began to quiver. Deadpool grabbed his arm, and dragged him off.

Cyclops: Wait, guys, we need to check into the hotel first!

Sentry: It's okay, Scott. I'm their roommate for the trip. I'll carry all of their stuff up. Deadpool's just got a little bag of Bea Arthur pictures and Jolly Ranchers, and since you wouldn't let him bring weapons, Punisher didn't pack anything.

Cyclops: Okay, that'll work. Everyone, have fun, and try not to cause any trouble!

Black Panther: Hey, Thing, Human Torch, want to go check out the Hard Rock once we're checked in?

Thing: What's that supposed to mean?

Human Torch: Uh-oh.

Black Panther: What?

Thing: Why would I want to go to the Hard Rock?

Human Torch: Ben...

Black Panther: Well, it seems like the kind of place you'd like-

Thing: Why? What are you getting at? Why should I like the Hard Rock?

Black Panther: Well, they've got alot of memorobila from famous rock stars.

Thing: Rock stars? That a joke?

Black Panther: No, I just thought you people liked that.

Thing: You people?!

Human Torch: Ben, chill!

Thing: Let me tell you something, mister! I resent that kind of crack. It's people like you that make life so difficult for people like me!

Black Panther: Hey, come on, that's not what I meant.

Human Torch: Just go alone, and give him some time to cool down, T'Challa. He'll be okay.

Black Panther agreed, and went up to his room. Thing and Human Torch laughed and slapped high-five.

Thing: They fall for it every time.



A few hours later, several people had evacuated a field of slot machines at Harrahs.

Hulk: Seven! Seven! Sev- cherry?! That Hulk's last quarter! Hulk ruined!

Hulk began screaming, and smashed the machine he was on. When he calmed down, he saw the massive pile of coins that had fallen to the ground.

Hulk: Lady Luck on Hulk's side tonight! Hulk go play keno, then hit up buffet!



Punisher walked out of a store in the MGM Grand, holding a plastic bag.

Punisher: None of these coupons is for something other than gifts from the CBS website. I don't even like "2 and a Half Men", let alone have the desire to buy a poster of it.

Deadpool: Dude, Castle, just enjoy yourself. Now, did you like that show we got to watch? Personally, I think the reality tv craze has run its course.

Punisher: I didn't get it.

Deadpool: We participated in a test screening of a tv show that's been pitched to the network.

Punisher: I found the hosts bland, and I couldn't relate to the contestants.

Deadpool: Dude, when was the last time you could relate to people?

Punisher smiled, closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply.

Punisher: It was ten years ago, in Bolivia. Her name was Lupe. We killed so many mobsters together. I never saw a woman handle a Kalashnikov like she did.

Deadpool: Dude, no swooning in front of the Merc with a Mouth.




Silver Surfer: This show, why is called "Cirque du Soleil"?

Dr. Strange: It means "Circus of the Sun".

Silver Surfer: But we are not in the sun. I have seen an actual circus there, and found it to be lacking.

Dr. Strange: Just check it out. This one's got nudity.

Silver Surfer: I have not worn clothes in many years.

Dr. Strange: And the most I ever get is from my arch-enemy's daughter. Do you have any idea how cliched that is?

Silver Surfer: I believe so. While she is not actually Galactus's daughter, I once commented that Frankie Ray looked better in person than she did in a photograph of her I saw.

Dr. Strange: Just follow me, Surfer.




A crowd of people gathered outside the Bellagio at ten o'clock at night, ready to see the famous fountains. As the music began playing, water shot up from the large pool in front of the casino. Just as the water had gotten as high as it could, it began to freeze.

onlooker: Hey, what happened.

Iceman: *nonchalant whistle*



Country music blared out of the speakers in a topless club ironically far from the Strip.

emcee: Yee-haw, it's Civil War night, so let's get ready for some action! Four scores and seven beers ago, our beautiful girls came to this land. Now, let's meet the girls of the Union!

He waited, and no dancers came.

emcee: Uh, okay, let's meet the Confederate girls!

The same thing happened.

emcee: Hold on everyone!

He ran backstage, and grabbed the manager.

emcee: Where are all the dancers?

manager: They got reserved for private shows at the last minute.

emcee: All of them? Dammit.

He hurried upstairs, to the hallway where two rooms stood on opposite sides of the hallway.

emcee: Dammit, girls what are you doing? We need you for Civil War night!

girls from first room: We're with with Iron Man!

girls from second room: We're with Captain America!



Namor: Damn you, operator, I am the monarch of Atlantis! You do not keep me waiting!

operator: Sir, please calm down. Your escorts are on their way.

There was a knock on the door.

Namor: Excellent. Come in.

call girl: Okay, we charge by the hour, so if you want to explain how to do the "Marianas Trench", it's on the clock.

Namor: Excellent. Come, and I will explain. I expect you to be a master of it by the end of this night!

call girl: Whatever. It's just our job to keep you happy, and that's what we're gonna do.

Uatu: And it is my duty to observe, for I am a Watcher.

call girl: Yeah, we're charging for him, too.

Uatu: Do you accept checks?



Hulk lumbered back to his room, carrying several buckets of quarters, and two penguins which he'd stolen from the courtyard of the Flamingo.

Hulk: Hulk sleepy. Hulk's bird friends sleepy?

The penguins waddled into the room. Daredevil and Falcon were already in their beds.

Hulk: Hulk go to sleep now! Turn tv off!

Falcon: Hey man, this porno is pay-per-view. You can wait half and hour, right?

Hulk: What is porno?

Daredevil: It's a recording of people having sex. Me, I'm blind, and I hear people going at it all the time, so it doesn't appeal to me that much.

Falcon: Not even "Trixie's Latverian Lovefest 2?"

Daredevil: Hmm, now that one, I'm not familiar with.

Hulk: What that woman doing with other woman's chest-bumps? And what that green thing she holding? It look like... Nooooo!

Hulk raced into the bathroom.

Daredevil: What just happened?

Hulk walked out, looking at ease.

Hulk: It okay, it still there. Hulk worried for a minute.

Daredevil: I don't want to know.

Falcon: So, Hulk, you've never seen a porn movie before?

Hulk: One time, Hulk saw two dogs doing it. It made Hulk laugh.


And on that note, End of Part 1

 

[enterthemadness]

now this is what fan fiction is suppose to be! t:

 

[bored]

Part 2: Early Saturday

Hulk: Watch out, buffet, Hulk back!

waiter: Dear lord, how is he still hungry? He at an entire side of beef last night!

Captain America: Buck up, soldier! You've got a job to do, and that job is getting me coffee.

Punisher: This may be the only pure place in this entire damn city. No ****es, no gambling-

Thor: Nay, I say thee, Punisher. The Odinson hath spotted a slot machine by yon window.

Punisher: What on Earth did you just say?

Thor: Verily, even I am not always sure.

Mr. Fantastic: 'Scuze me.

He reached an extending arm past Black Panther on the buffet line, grabbing a piece of cantelope.

Black Panther: Hey, wait your turn.

Mr. Fantastic: Loser says what?

Black Panther: Huh?

Mr. Fantastic: No, no, no. You're supposed to say "what". Wait a minute...

Black Panther: Idiot.




Later that morning, Punisher wandered into Circus Circus, with Deadpool close behind.

Deadpool: What is this place?

Punisher: I don't know, but it says it's a circus, so it must be wholesome and clean. Oh, what I wouldn't do for my guns right now!

The pair entered the building.

Punisher: Egads, there's a casino here, too! Has this city no shame?

Deadpool: You think that's bad, look over there!

Punisher: What?

Deadpool: Clowns!

Punisher: What's wrong with them? Are they actually mobsters, or pimps?

Deadpool: No, nothing that saintly. They're just clowns! CLOWNS!

Punisher: Well, you do what you want, but I'm going to go over and laugh at them. About time there was something family-friendly here.

Deadpool: I can never look at you the same way again.



Dr. Strange: Trip threes. Eat it, suckas.

Luke Cage: Man, two of those threes are in the flop. Now me, I'm closin' with a full house, ten over three. Beat that.

regular gambler: Could you two please tell your friend to stop looking at my cards?

Uatu: Um... It is my duty to observe.




Iron Man: Hey, let's sign up to join this place's rewards club.

Captain America: Eh, I'd rather not. I got enough spam e-mail as it is.

Iron Man: Oh, come on, it'll be cool. You'll get discounts on show tickets and everything!

Mr. Fantastic: I say we do it.

Falcon: I don't know man.

Iron Man: Well, me and Reed are gonna go register. You guys totally should, too.

Captain America: I think we'll pass.

Iron Man: Come on, Cap!

Captain America: Look, I'm not registering for the rewards club.

Iron Man: You're missing out, dude.

Spider-Man: Mom! Dad! Stop fighting! You're tearing me apart!




Thing: Boys, this is a life-long dream o' mine. I'm glad you're joining me in it.

Colossus: Da, orange comrade. It is honor.

Hulk: Whoever pee farthest get white tiger Hulk found!

Colossus: Green comrade, you really must stop stealing animals.

Thing: Hey, less talk, more piss!

The three simultaneously began urinating off of the edge of the Stratosphere.

Thing: Know what's ironic, that I just thought of? I've never had to pass a kidney stone. Would you believe that?

Colossus: Orange comrade is lucky. I have heard that it is pain worse than being racked by lead pipe.

Hulk: Hulk's pee radioactive! Hahaha! Hulk poisoning people on the streets.



Meanwhile, down below...

tourist: Oh God, it burns, it burns!

Punisher: At last, some justice!



Thing: I'm winning! My super-power-stream is the strongest.

Silver Surfer: Do not yet celebrate, Earthling.

Hulk: Where Surfer pee from? Surfer no even have junk!

Silver Surfer: That is where you are wrong, Hulk

His board levitated in front of his crotch, and became... well... oh, just guess.

Thing, Hulk, and Colossus: Daaaaaaamn.

Silver Surfer: Now, see the power of the Bladder Cosmic!

Now, let's just say that they got some rain that wasn't forecasted in Boulder, Colorado that night.


End of Part Aren't-You-Glad-They-Didn't-Go-No. 2(?)

 

[The Squirrel]

L
O
L

Great stuff as always bored.


Just one question.

Why is Deadpool's lines in yellow?

 

[bored]

In the comics, his dialogue boxes are always yellow.

 

[enterthemadness]

Part 2 made me happy.

 

[bored]

PART 3: SATURDAY NIGHT


Deadpool: Last night in Sin City, Frank. You gonna have some fun or what?

Punisher: This whole town is mocking me.

Deadpool: Oh, come on!

Punisher: I should just come here with my entired arsenal, and destroy the whole place. It may very well destroy half the criminal element in the world.

Deadpool: Look, Pun, this is the one city on Earth I can get a cheap seafood buffet, two nineteen-year-olds of differing ethnicities who will do anything for a price, front-row tickets to a Spice Girls tribute show, and all the flashing lights I can handle all in one night. You and me will have words if you murder the whole town. Hey, we've made it to the Excalibur. How's about you go down to the arcade and play "House of the Dead 2" for a while so I can hit the blackjack tables?

Punisher: Is this what I've been reduced to? I miss guns.

Deadpool: Speaking of guns, I'm gonna go talk to that receptionist. Can you make it to the arcade without crying?



Hulk: Hulk wonder why we don't do this more often?

Silver Surfer: Do remember that things usually go horribly wrong when the four of us are together.

Namor: Silence, Surfer. You disgust me. It's not enough for you to be a surface dweller, you must live in space, above the surface!

Silver Surfer: You do not even know why you are surly, do you?

Namor: It's a gimmick.

Dr. Strange: Silence, Defenders. We can not win the trivia contest if we are bickering.

Hulk: Hulk already submit answers for Round 1.

Namor: We haven't even gotten to the questions yet!

Hulk: No worry, Mr. Fishy Speedo Man. Hulk answer everything "doggy".

emcee: After Round 1, Team Defenders is in the lead, as they correctly guessed what word I was thinking, the bartender's favorite style, and what is the mortal nemesis of the kitty!

Hulk: Hulk smash puny competition!



Wolverine: Hey, bubs, who's using this convention hall?

Ghost Rider: Let me check the sign.

Ghost Rider examined the schedule for the Luxor's convention hall.

Ghost Rider: Yegads!

Wolverine: What?

Ghost Rider: Three consecutive lines beginning with my name! Also, the schedule says "DC Villains Convention"!

bum...BUM...BUUUMMMM!!!

 

[MaskedManJRK]

Dude, I f**king LOVE you. This is funny as s**t. t:

 

[The Squirrel]

Great come back!

Hope you don't keep us waiting long for the next chapter.

 

[bored]

PART 4: WHY ARE YOU STILL READING?

Lex Luthor: I was played by Kevin Spacey, *****es! He has Oscars! I've also been played by Gene Hackman, and that young stud Michael Rosenbaum!

Captain Cold: He did the voice of the Flash on the Justice League cartoon, you fool!

Scarecrow: Yeah, at least people know who he is, you lame Mr. Freeze wannabe.

Captain Cold: Now you've wounded me.

Solomon Grundy: Guys, Grundy think we all should just relax and enjoy being away from heroes.

Brainiac: That reminds me, I forgot to set my Tivo.

Etrigan: You ARE a Tivo.

Brainiac: Shut up.

Nobody noticed the people who had just entered the room, until one of them spoke.

Wolverine: The Girls Club in Vegas? Who knew?

Lex Luthor: Eep! Marvel heroes!

He jumped into Superboy-Prime's arms.

Superboy-Prime: Are you my mommy?

Ghost Rider: I'd give them all the Penance Stare, but really, what do any of them actually do?

Joker: Actually, I have a reputation as a mass-murderer.

Ghost Rider: I see.

Ghost Rider kicked the Joker in the balls.

Hercules: Hello, fellow heroes, what have you found here? Thor and I were just making fun of Ares for being a recovering alcoholic, when... By Zeus, villains even lamer than ours!

Mr. Mind: I resent that!

Hercules plucked Mr. Mind, who happens to be basically a worm that eats brains, from his head, and flicked him across the room.

Mr. Mind: I almost ate the multiverse once! Honest! I would have, too, if not for that damned Booster Gold!

Hercules: I boosted your mom's gold!

Solomon Grundy: Wait, if all you here, that mean-

Hulk: GRUNDY!

The Defenders appeared in the convention hall, carrying various prizes from the trivia contest.

Dr. Strange: Who knew every answer would be "doggy"?

Hulk: Stupid zombie DC Hulk! Hulk smash!

Solomon Grundy: Grundy smash!

Lex Luthor: Fight!

Wolverine: Fight!

The Marvel heroes and DC villains all chanted "fight!" as Hulk and Grundy circled. Hulk balled a fist, and Grundy charged. Hulk sidestepped him, and poked Grundy in the eyes.

Grundy: Oh, wise guy, eh?

He attempted to poke back, but Hulk blocked by placing his hand in front of his face. He then waved one hand around, then smacked Grundy with the other.

Grundy: Nyuk nyuk nyuk...

The zombie fell to the ground with a "thud".

Hulk: Hulk win!

The Marvel heroes cheered as Hulk led them away.

Lex Luthor: We don't really suck that much, do we?

Captain Cold: You're a rich bald guy, and I can make the floor slippery. What do you think?

 

[Sun_Down]

Great stuff Keep it comin'!

 

[Manic]

*is still laughing at the Watcher's escort scene*

 

[Spider–Man]

That's hilarious!