Advice and Relationships Again: A Hypester's Tale

[Chris B]

How have you guys gone about asking girls if they're currently in a relationship? While trying to act at least somewhat casual about it?

 

[terry78]

^ Because "are you seeing anybody?" is too direct?

 

[Lasirius]

So me and the girl I've posted about decided to go ahead and commit to being in an actual relationship despite the distance. We talked about and have both said that we're all each other can think about and legitimately want to be together. This is seriously the first girl I've ever felt this way about so I'm not going to let her go just because of 1500 miles. We've both said we'll make it work.

We'll see how it goes....

Best of luck! The long-distance relationship I was involved in a few years ago didn't turn out so good but it depends on the way you handle it and the level of commitment each have, any relationship actually.

 

[WillardNation]

Thanks!

So far, the plan is for her to come down in maybe a few weeks, after she finishes an important paper she's working on, then I'm going to go up there some time after that, and then I'm going to go up over the holidays since she already has plans to stay there by herself (her family lives in Jersey) and I hate celebrating holidays.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Haha, and I spent a night out with my former coworker and it was quite...interesting. I'd always been a little as to why she always got into trouble with men (relationships and otherwise, um, unsavory interactions too) when she's the same size as I am (ie, nobody bothers me when I'm physically as nonthreatening as she is), and I think I've figured it out.

When she's feeling awkward and uncomfortable, she gets REALLY flirty. Turns into a complete little girl. Since I'd always seen her at work where she's a badass and a professed introvert (even directing a phonecall to ME, the stutterer, because she couldn't take the social interaction), I'd never seen this side of her and it was downright fascinating.

When she wandered off, she found herself in a pub and texted me saying that she was staying for a while cause two guys bought her a beer. And then later she invited a bunch of members from a random band to have dinner with us. I was like, W. T. F. Luckily the band never did show up to dinner, but dude! You bet your ass I'm not inviting a bunch of random guys to have dinner with me!

So um, a lesson to CC and other girls wishing they got more attention from guys. It's okay to feel really awkward and uncomfortable, as long as you turn out really flirty as a result.

Any advice for someone whose just figured out that's EXACTLY what's happened to me?

I mean, I don't turn into a 'little girl' flirt, I turn into a tease. It pretty much happens every time I meet a guy... if he responds, I push a bit further.

I dunno, it's just this really weird defense mechanism. Like a way of not ending up in the friend zone with guys you might have had a chance with if you'd been more forward.

If you can make a firm first impression of yourself as a sex possibility rather than just a friend possibility, that never really goes away.

After that first meeting, I tend to back off a bit though. Mostly because I have this bad habit now of doing it to guys I don't even like that much But it's 'just incase' I end up liking them in the future.

(P.S. I invited a band we'd just seen to a party once. They came, my hot friend made out with the singer, I made out with the less attractive guitarist... which was still cool, cause he was the guitarist in a band we'd just randomly convinced to come back to our party )

 

[Pfeiffer-Pfan]

I'm the exact opposite...

Pefectly normal chatting to somebody but when/if I find out they like me... it's game over.

 

[Lord Valumart]

So, I think I might be going on a date on Wednesday... I'm not sure if she thinks it's just friends or if it's an actual date.

Anyhow, the back story is we were talking at work about how we went to this posh fancy place for team building a few years back. It came up that we did some shooting at that everyone was scared of me cause I laughed like a maniac when they gave me the gun.

So later on we were talking and she mentioned that she'd love to do shooting and I said that she could go with me since no one ever wanted to go with me. She sounded excited about that. I looked into it and found out the place was closed on Wednesdays but asked if she facied archery. She was even happier about that and agreed. So I booked it all for Wednesday and told her and she was happy and even commented that I could be Hawkeye.

I'm not really sure, but I think seeing how it goes is the best option, right?

 

[StrainedEyes]

I'm not really sure, but I think seeing how it goes is the best option, right?

Yes, just go and have a good time. Don't bring roses, a ring, and a sonnet to the archery range.

 

[Anita18]

Any advice for someone whose just figured out that's EXACTLY what's happened to me?

I mean, I don't turn into a 'little girl' flirt, I turn into a tease. It pretty much happens every time I meet a guy... if he responds, I push a bit further.

I dunno, it's just this really weird defense mechanism. Like a way of not ending up in the friend zone with guys you might have had a chance with if you'd been more forward.

If you can make a firm first impression of yourself as a sex possibility rather than just a friend possibility, that never really goes away.

After that first meeting, I tend to back off a bit though. Mostly because I have this bad habit now of doing it to guys I don't even like that much But it's 'just incase' I end up liking them in the future.

(P.S. I invited a band we'd just seen to a party once. They came, my hot friend made out with the singer, I made out with the less attractive guitarist... which was still cool, cause he was the guitarist in a band we'd just randomly convinced to come back to our party )

Oh, my coworker doesn't have ANY trouble getting into relationships. If you talk to enough guys and are irresistibly, awkwardly cute, I suppose. (And most guys have this urge to help girls who act vulnerable.) But things always go south when she gets comfortable and probably doesn't do the inadvertedly awkwardly flirty thing anymore. I wonder if she knows this about herself. She just got out of another relationship and is swearing them off for now so I don't think it's the best time to give her spontaneous advice.

I suppose I can't complain. I've had probably a fraction of the relationships she's had, but I don't have anything really terrible to say about either of them. Then again I'm incredibly (and boringly) self-aware....

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'm the exact opposite...

Pefectly normal chatting to somebody but when/if I find out they like me... it's game over.

Unfortunately when i've had a drink, this goes so overboard (usually resulting in smoochies) so either the guy gets TOO into me (as in texting me saying he's so glad we met and he feels like there's a special connection ), or he gets a bit intimidated by how forward i'm being.

I really need to chill out and let stuff happen instead of rushing into things.

So, I think I might be going on a date on Wednesday... I'm not sure if she thinks it's just friends or if it's an actual date.

Anyhow, the back story is we were talking at work about how we went to this posh fancy place for team building a few years back. It came up that we did some shooting at that everyone was scared of me cause I laughed like a maniac when they gave me the gun.

So later on we were talking and she mentioned that she'd love to do shooting and I said that she could go with me since no one ever wanted to go with me. She sounded excited about that. I looked into it and found out the place was closed on Wednesdays but asked if she facied archery. She was even happier about that and agreed. So I booked it all for Wednesday and told her and she was happy and even commented that I could be Hawkeye.

I'm not really sure, but I think seeing how it goes is the best option, right?

Sounds like a date to me. And a freaking awesome one at that

Honestly, I think a girls gotta be stupid if she knows it's just her and a guy and he's had to book/pay for what they are doing, to not realise that's a date.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

How have you guys gone about asking girls if they're currently in a relationship? While trying to act at least somewhat casual about it?

I don't since the answer is of no consequence to me.

 

[Lasirius]

Thanks!

So far, the plan is for her to come down in maybe a few weeks, after she finishes an important paper she's working on, then I'm going to go up there some time after that, and then I'm going to go up over the holidays since she already has plans to stay there by herself (her family lives in Jersey) and I hate celebrating holidays.

Spending the holidays together, things are getting serious. Looks like you guys have planned it well so far.

 

[Lord Valumart]

Sounds like a date to me. And a freaking awesome one at that

Honestly, I think a girls gotta be stupid if she knows it's just her and a guy and he's had to book/pay for what they are doing, to not realise that's a date.

Ok then... That's gonna make things interesting...

 

[Erzengel]

How have you guys gone about asking girls if they're currently in a relationship? While trying to act at least somewhat casual about it?

^ Because "are you seeing anybody?" is too direct?

Lots of people want to know someone's not involved without expressing interest at the same time.

I mean who cares if you ask someone has a so and there's a small amount of uncomfortableness.

 

[Dark Raven]

Lots of people want to know someone's not involved without expressing interest at the same time.

I mean who cares if you ask someone has a so and there's a small amount of uncomfortableness.

Blindfold the girl in question with a thick blindfold. Then slowly unwrap it so it gets lighter, asking her repeatedlly the question "are you seeing anyone?"

At first she'll say no. Then you keep asking again and again until it's all off. Then you can ask if she'll see you.

 

[Dark Raven]

So, I think I might be going on a date on Wednesday... I'm not sure if she thinks it's just friends or if it's an actual date.

Anyhow, the back story is we were talking at work about how we went to this posh fancy place for team building a few years back. It came up that we did some shooting at that everyone was scared of me cause I laughed like a maniac when they gave me the gun.

So later on we were talking and she mentioned that she'd love to do shooting and I said that she could go with me since no one ever wanted to go with me. She sounded excited about that. I looked into it and found out the place was closed on Wednesdays but asked if she facied archery. She was even happier about that and agreed. So I booked it all for Wednesday and told her and she was happy and even commented that I could be Hawkeye.

I'm not really sure, but I think seeing how it goes is the best option, right?

Watch this for some tips on how to tell:

[YT]XacA1IiPQB8[/YT]

 

[Dark Raven]

Best of luck! The long-distance relationship I was involved in a few years ago didn't turn out so good but it depends on the way you handle it and the level of commitment each have, any relationship actually.

I don't think I can do a long distance relationship. I was just talking about this a couple of weeks ago on here regarding someone I've been messaging back and forth on an online dating site who is about 2-3 hours away from me.

I was hoping it would fizzle out, and it did seem to be as she wasn't writing as often recently - just twice a week, which suited me fine. However now she wants to have a conversation on the phone or on skype.

Now I'm not against that in principle, but having already decided I don't want to get into a long distance relationship, I don't really want to take things to that level. I don't have anything against her and I'd be fine getting to know her in person if she actually lived in the same city (but would have to see whether there was any chemistry), but I really don't want to be on the phone or skype as a regular occurence with someone I don't even really know. I don't think it's going to lead anywhere because I'm committed to things down here where I live and don't have time to keep commuting back and forth, and we lead too different lives from each other.

Why did she have to suddenly ask to communicate in that way, especially when things seemed to be fizzling out naturally anyway? Now it forces me to have to put a more deliberate end to things which I hoped I wouldn't have to. I thought it would just take care of itself.

 

[Anubis]

How have you guys gone about asking girls if they're currently in a relationship? While trying to act at least somewhat casual about it?

"So.....who's plowing you at the moment?"

 

[Lasirius]

I don't think I can do a long distance relationship. I was just talking about this a couple of weeks ago on here regarding someone I've been messaging back and forth on an online dating site who is about 2-3 hours away from me.

I was hoping it would fizzle out, and it did seem to be as she wasn't writing as often recently - just twice a week, which suited me fine. However now she wants to have a conversation on the phone or on skype.

Now I'm not against that in principle, but having already decided I don't want to get into a long distance relationship, I don't really want to take things to that level. I don't have anything against her and I'd be fine getting to know her in person if she actually lived in the same city (but would have to see whether there was any chemistry), but I really don't want to be on the phone or skype as a regular occurence with someone I don't even really know. I don't think it's going to lead anywhere because I'm committed to things down here where I live and don't have time to keep commuting back and forth, and we lead too different lives from each other.

Why did she have to suddenly ask to communicate in that way, especially when things seemed to be fizzling out naturally anyway? Now it forces me to have to put a more deliberate end to things which I hoped I wouldn't have to. I thought it would just take care of itself.

I think it's only natural that one or the other would've come up with the idea of talking on the phone or on Skype, it's the only next step by having met online and exchanging messages on the site exclusively.

Perhaps she suggested it because she wanted to hear your voice and what you sound like. Sounds like you were interested until she suggested the phone and Skype idea, but I guess the circumstances could been different if you would've met in person first then continue whatever develops online.

 

[Dark Raven]

I think it's only natural that one or the other would've come up with the idea of talking on the phone or on Skype, it's the only next step by having met online and exchanging messages on the site exclusively.

Perhaps she suggested it because she wanted to hear your voice and what you sound like. Sounds like you were interested until she suggested the phone and Skype idea, but I guess the circumstances could been different if you would've met in person first then continue whatever develops online.

I wasn't interested. I thought the previous post made that clear that I don't want a long distance relationship and I was hoping it would fizzle out and she wouldn't keep writing so that I don't have to be the one to put an end to things myself.

I understand it's the next step but i wondered why she would suddenly suggest it now when she was already cutting back on her correspondence, as was I.

 

[Lasirius]

I wasn't interested. I thought the previous post made that clear that I don't want a long distance relationship and I was hoping it would fizzle out and she wouldn't keep writing so that I don't have to be the one to put an end to things myself.

I understand it's the next step but i wondered why she would suddenly suggest it now when she was already cutting back on her correspondence, as was I.

Ah, I see. I just figured you were somewhat interested since you were talking to this girl on an online dating site.

I guess it's easier to stop responding to someone's messages online, the person should get the gist but it could be nice if you could just tell her you're not interested.

 

[Dark Raven]

Ah, I see. I just figured you were somewhat interested since you were talking to this girl on an online dating site.

I guess it's easier to stop responding to someone's messages online, the person should get the gist but it could be nice if you could just tell her you're not interested.

Oh I agree it would be nicer. But that could've been avoided if she just stopped writing herself, which is what she looked like she was doing. I realise I could do that myself since it takes 2 people to have a conversation, but I've been trying to be polite and not make her feel rejected, because it's not that there's something intrinsically wrong with her, just that the distance is too far for me and I'm just not feeling this at all. Also, since I'm normally the one who is rejected, I figured what's one more time since I'm so used to it? On the other hand, I wouldn't want to be the one having to do that to someone because I know what it feels like.

I just don't get why she would ask to speak on the phone or skype though since her interest seemed to be dwindling anyway? Why not let it die? It's like me expressing my lack of interest, and then saying to her "oh, how about we speak on the phone?" What kind of crazy thing is that?

The thing is though that if I say that I'm not feeling this and I'm not interested, she could ask how would i know until I've actually spoken in person or on the phone, which is a completely legitimate thing to say, since I would probably say that too if I were in her place. One's interaction in person or the phone is different to simply writing emails. But then, if we did get on over the phone, that just pulls me in deeper, because I don't want to do a long distance relationship so it's better just to stop things now.

 

[BatsDC]

Seeing as Long Distance relationships are coming up a lot here: how far do you all consider too far to make one work?

 

[Erzengel]

An hour.

 

[Lasirius]

Oh I agree it would be nicer. But that could've been avoided if she just stopped writing herself, which is what she looked like she was doing. I realise I could do that myself since it takes 2 people to have a conversation, but I've been trying to be polite and not make her feel rejected, because it's not that there's something intrinsically wrong with her, just that the distance is too far for me and I'm just not feeling this at all. Also, since I'm normally the one who is rejected, I figured what's one more time since I'm so used to it? On the other hand, I wouldn't want to be the one having to do that to someone because I know what it feels like.

I just don't get why she would ask to speak on the phone or skype though since her interest seemed to be dwindling anyway? Why not let it die? It's like me expressing my lack of interest, and then saying to her "oh, how about we speak on the phone?" What kind of crazy thing is that?

The thing is though that if I say that I'm not feeling this and I'm not interested, she could ask how would i know until I've actually spoken in person or on the phone, which is a completely legitimate thing to say, since I would probably say that too if I were in her place. One's interaction in person or the phone is different to simply writing emails. But then, if we did get on over the phone, that just pulls me in deeper, because I don't want to do a long distance relationship so it's better just to stop things now.

Having conversations just through e-mails are more impersonal so I don't think she really would be offended if you flat-out stop responding. People do that whenever they want to cut communication with someone -- it's almost an unwritten agreement you have with people on the net especially on dating sites, but I think it also depends on how much time you have been acquainted with this person. Also, rejection is gonna be there particularly in the dating world. It's a risk you're taking putting yourself out there.

It might have seem that her interest was decreasing but perhaps she started relying on you to take the initiative to start up a conversation, thus she's now suggesting to talk on the phone/Skype rather than through e-mails.

If you do tell her you're not interested because you don't feel it and even though she might have a reasonable comeback, you then have the long-distance thing. Even if she insists on talking on the phone you guys still live about 3 hours away and you just wouldn't have the time to make it work. Relationships may be as hard as they are without the distance, it could be harder in your situation leaving far away from each other.