Lord of the Advice: Return of the King of Relationships

[amazingfantasy15]

We usually go to one of our houses, or to the movies. Sometimes things like the zoo or go to "trendy" places downtown to walk around/talk/shop/have dinner etc.

No, we haven't been in each other's worlds, but she's still not the type to do that. I know she was freaking out because Italy won yesterday and maybe she wound up at some celebration where weed was involved, like with her ex...who is also Italian. I should mention I am too.

Sounds like you two are very much in that dating behavior, not boyfriend/girlfriend behavior. When I knew I wanted to my now fiancee around for the long term, I didn't keep her at arms length, only seeing her once or twice a week, hanging with friends seperately. We were both very much a part of each other lives, doing pretty much everything together. I mean, if there was a major sporting event I was going to watch, I'd want her there too.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

We usually go to one of our houses, or to the movies. Sometimes things like the zoo or go to "trendy" places downtown to walk around/talk/shop/have dinner etc.

No, we haven't been in each other's worlds, but she's still not the type to do that. I know she was freaking out because Italy won yesterday and maybe she wound up at some celebration where weed was involved, like with her ex...who is also Italian. I should mention I am too.

Yeah, I'd be unsettled by the whole thing. Since I *ahem* have no qualms about f***ing someone's girl (as long as I don't know the guy too well) I try to sort of figure what *you* [hypothetically] would be seeing if *I* were the guy. The thing that irks me about your story is that you found out and she doesn't know. That's exactly the way to handle that. I have a rule about talking or saying anything about what's going on and that's don't. Usually women are pretty complicit with that. Guys not so much. They want to brag to all their friends. In fact that's often what gets them in trouble, even though they'll typically blame one of the girls if they are cheating. So, yeah, I'd be concerned. I wouldn't jump to a conclusion, or be rash, and accuse her of something you don't have proof of...unless you have proof, but it seems to me you don't have much.

Funny story, I'm not sure what number I'd put to it, but as I get older I see the women as the ones more prone to cheat, and I think they keep quiet about it more often. Kind of like how many people drunk drive, and only a percentage get caught. I think guys are more likely to be caught.

I'm probably scaring you. Yeah, I mean, could be nothing, and I don't like being pessimistic just for the sake of being that way. I also don't know if your culture is a little more or less relaxed about those things.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Sounds like you two are very much in that dating behavior, not boyfriend/girlfriend behavior. When I knew I wanted to my now fiancee around for the long term, I didn't keep her at arms length, only seeing her once or twice a week, hanging with friends seperately. We were both very much a part of each other lives, doing pretty much everything together. I mean, if there was a major sporting event I was going to watch, I'd want her there too.

Eh? That depends on the couple I think. I've always had the stuff that is my "me stuff", and incidentally watching Football is one. I rarely want people around for my Patriot's games. I'm a very intense fan though.

 

[TLH]

Interesting, because we both consider it a relationship... I mean what do people do? We do lots of different things, we get intimate, not sure what else there is for *right now* ...??

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Interesting, because we both consider it a relationship... I mean what do people do? We do lots of different things, we get intimate, not sure what else there is for *right now* ...??

I'm a bit more like your style of relationships, so I can dig.

 

[TLH]

I'm a bit more like your style of relationships, so I can dig.

Yep, it's pretty casual and low pressure. I guess part of my problem is I want us to (a) take it to the next level emotionally/commitment and (b) be on the same page, knowing we're both doing that *together* ... but I'm not entirely sure how to go about it.

I'll be honest, while I've had many girlfriends/dated many girls, I haven't been with any one for longer than 4 months. So at 6+ months this is my longest relationship and the one I have been the most invested in so far.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yep, it's pretty casual and low pressure. I guess part of my problem is I want us to (a) take it to the next level emotionally/commitment and (b) be on the same page, knowing we're both doing that *together* ... but I'm not entirely sure how to go about it.

I'll be honest, while I've had many girlfriends/dated many girls, I haven't been with any one for longer than 4 months. So at 6+ months this is my longest relationship and the one I have been the most invested in so far.

I don't really care for long term right now myself. I guess as long as the well isn't running dry

 

[Anita18]

Eh? That depends on the couple I think. I've always had the stuff that is my "me stuff", and incidentally watching Football is one. I rarely want people around for my Patriot's games. I'm a very intense fan though.

I tried taking my fiance out to figure skating shows and competitions. I think next time I'll just leave him at home. He has nothing to fear by me hanging out with middle-aged women and gay men though.

Well, geeking out about TDKR with you guys (and more SHHers on Facebook) can get pretty raunchy, but it's not like we do it in person...

Yep, it's pretty casual and low pressure. I guess part of my problem is I want us to (a) take it to the next level emotionally/commitment and (b) be on the same page, knowing we're both doing that *together* ... but I'm not entirely sure how to go about it.

I'll be honest, while I've had many girlfriends/dated many girls, I haven't been with any one for longer than 4 months. So at 6+ months this is my longest relationship and the one I have been the most invested in so far.

Yeah, a serious relationship is completely different from dating. You could be really good at dating (and it sounds like you are), but be unable to take it to the next level.

Happened to my first relationship. We were together for 1.5 years but never slept together, nor did we live together. It was a strange emotional immaturity thing...

I dunno, it should feel pretty natural. Maybe she's the type to be fine with having a bf she only sees once a week for years. Keeping it casual and never taking it further. You'd have to look at her history though.

 

[TLH]

Yeah, a serious relationship is completely different from dating. You could be really good at dating (and it sounds like you are), but be unable to take it to the next level.

Happened to my first relationship. We were together for 1.5 years but never slept together, nor did we live together. It was a strange emotional immaturity thing...

I dunno, it should feel pretty natural. Maybe she's the type to be fine with having a bf she only sees once a week for years. Keeping it casual and never taking it further. You'd have to look at her history though.

Well, I'm okay with seeing her once a week. Also since we both start full time teaching jobs in September, we'll both be busy, so it's probably good we're used to only seeing each other once a week.

Seeing her once a week only only started to bother me when I saw she's hanged out with her ex two straight days. I mean, to be fair I am seeing her tomorrow and that's twice this week, but mostly because she's going away and we want to get more time in.

No, I don't know how to get it to the next level. I mean, maybe we're already there and I'm too inexperienced with *actual* relationships to know it? I'm great with dating and the two of us always have lots of fun when we see each other and we do chat on the days we don't see each other via texting/messaging/etc... A few weeks ago I told her our relationship was something I wanted to keep going and she said "me too" so obviously that's good, but I've started having doubts because of her "friend"/ex who she sees more than I'm comfortable with. But I can't very well express that discomfort because I shouldn't even know in the first place.

It's summer, so people have time to see one another. When we're both busy this fall (if we're still together, I won't take anything for granted since September is still months away), we'll see how I factor into her priorities.

 

[Anita18]

Well, I'm okay with seeing her once a week. Also since we both start full time teaching jobs in September, we'll both be busy, so it's probably good we're used to only seeing each other once a week.

Seeing her once a week only only started to bother me when I saw she's hanged out with her ex two straight days. I mean, to be fair I am seeing her tomorrow and that's twice this week, but mostly because she's going away and we want to get more time in.

No, I don't know how to get it to the next level. I mean, maybe we're already there and I'm too inexperienced with *actual* relationships to know it? I'm great with dating and the two of us always have lots of fun when we see each other and we do chat on the days we don't see each other via texting/messaging/etc... A few weeks ago I told her our relationship was something I wanted to keep going and she said "me too" so obviously that's good, but I've started having doubts because of her "friend"/ex who she sees more than I'm comfortable with. But I can't very well express that discomfort because I shouldn't even know in the first place.

It's summer, so people have time to see one another. When we're both busy this fall (if we're still together, I won't take anything for granted since September is still months away), we'll see how I factor into her priorities.

I met my fiance when he lived 30 minutes away, so dates with him were a bit more intensive at the beginning. We'd usually meet somewhere in the middle of our locations.

When we got more serious and he moved an hour away (we both worked fulltime too), it was simply easier for him to stay over on weekends. Naturally that took us to the next level of intimacy. After all, he was with me when I went the bathroom and took showers and did homework. You can't extend a "date" over 48 hours, at least not without blowing a lot of money staying at like, Disneyland.

Er, does staying over the weekend still count as "seeing each other once a week?"

Taking it to the next level means letting your hair down a bit, instead of just perpetually going out on dates where you're at your best. It means seeing the other person when they've just gotten up (bad breath, hair not brushed, no makeup), or cooking together, or vegging out doing whatever because it's what you'd normally do after work. Until you hit that point, I don't think you can really say you have a serious relationship.

FWIW, my old roommate was a fulltime teacher and so was the guy who eventually became her husband. He stayed over A LOT and eventually pretty much moved in. So it's possible to do that when you're a teacher. You just need the mindset that you want the relationship to develop further.

 

[Erzengel]

Happened to my first relationship. We were together for 1.5 years but never slept together...

 

[Schlosser85]

I've always felt that actually literally sleeping with someone is more intimate than having sex with them.

I think it requires more comfort level and trust to sleep soundly with someone laying beside you than just to spend fifteen minutes having fun with them.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, pretty much.

To be fair, we did sleep together like, cuddling overnight. Never took it to the next level. I don't think he ever even saw my lady parts. We were both virgins, maybe that explains it.

 

[TLH]

I met my fiance when he lived 30 minutes away, so dates with him were a bit more intensive at the beginning. We'd usually meet somewhere in the middle of our locations.

When we got more serious and he moved an hour away (we both worked fulltime too), it was simply easier for him to stay over on weekends. Naturally that took us to the next level of intimacy. After all, he was with me when I went the bathroom and took showers and did homework. You can't extend a "date" over 48 hours, at least not without blowing a lot of money staying at like, Disneyland.

Er, does staying over the weekend still count as "seeing each other once a week?"

Taking it to the next level means letting your hair down a bit, instead of just perpetually going out on dates where you're at your best. It means seeing the other person when they've just gotten up (bad breath, hair not brushed, no makeup), or cooking together, or vegging out doing whatever because it's what you'd normally do after work. Until you hit that point, I don't think you can really say you have a serious relationship.

FWIW, my old roommate was a fulltime teacher and so was the guy who eventually became her husband. He stayed over A LOT and eventually pretty much moved in. So it's possible to do that when you're a teacher. You just need the mindset that you want the relationship to develop further.

It's worth noting we both are currently living at home with our parents (we live in an extremely expensive city and while we're both close to moving out, it probably won't happen until next summer). So staying over isn't really an option.

 

[Anita18]

It's worth noting we both are currently living at home with our parents (we live in an extremely expensive city and while we're both close to moving out, it probably won't happen until next summer). So staying over isn't really an option.

Ah yes, the parents putting a dent into things.

I'm not actually sure how one could take a relationship from "casually dating" to "serious" without getting out from under your parents' roof. I mean, my best friend was living with her parents when she got engaged, but she and her now-hubby met at college so at least they got the chance to get intimate with each other there. Plus he had his own place 1.5 hours away so if she reeeaaally wanted to see him alone, she could...

 

[Godzilla2000]

Women’s deal-breakers (and deal-sealers)
http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=9273&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=1340610

*I need to print this out and make copies at Staples to pass out to prospective dates. *

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I'm not arguing against a lot of those, but any woman who would blow off a guy because of a ringback tone isn't worth 5 minutes in my book.

 

[Harlekin]

It's worth noting we both are currently living at home with our parents (we live in an extremely expensive city and while we're both close to moving out, it probably won't happen until next summer). So staying over isn't really an option.

Why not? You're 23/24. You should be able to have a girl over for a day or two.

 

[MultipleJesuses]

Sometimes I feel like I've ruined my girlfriend's life.
We started dating just under 3 years ago it was the usual start of relationship, spend every possible minute together, couldn't keep our hands off one another, you know what's it like. And as time went on, everytime we got invited out with our close group of friends, we would either go out for an hour or two then back to mine, or not go altogether. And it was always me saying "Let's just get out of here" but she always loved that.

But recently I've started hanging out with my friends, which she is fine with, but she never wants to hang out with hers. Before we met, she was really popular and struggled finding the time to even see me when we started dating. And it's not even that she only wants to see me, she just doesn't want to hang about with anyone else and it sometimes feels like I'm her only option. Anytime her friends try to see her, she reschedules until they get annoyed and drop the invite altogether.

I just feel that me being so clingy and only wanting to see her at the start has made her become anti-social. It's not as if she's clingy towards me, just flat out doesn't want to hang about with anyone else. And that's extremely weird because she has never been anything close to a "loner" or anti-social.

Now, I feel that if I ever go to move on from our relationship (which I can't really see happening) that my main stumbling block would be guilt because I've taken this bright, popular, friendly girl and turned her into... well me, basically.

At times it gets so bad that I briefly think that if she were to break up with me I wouldn't put up that much of a fight.

But despite all this, I still love her, and when I picture my future, it is always with her and I'm happy but I'll only be 21 in a month so maybe I don't have a realistic grasp on what to expect?

I don't know. Any help would be appreciated. That's the first time I've told anyone this annd it was surprisingly difficult.

 

[Godzilla2000]

I'm not arguing against a lot of those, but any woman who would blow off a guy because of a ringback tone isn't worth 5 minutes in my book.

I don't know, if all a guy had on his smartphone was Rap and Hip Hop I'd kind of tell him it just won't work out because I really do not like that sort of music at all.

 

[Erzengel]

I don't know, if all a guy had on his smartphone was Rap and Hip Hop I'd kind of tell him it just won't work out because I really do not like that sort of music at all.

Not liking someone because they have different tastes in music, that is silly.

We're on a comic book message board, I think the majority of posters here have a partner who at worst "tolerates" and at best is supportive but does not necessarily participate in their interests in comic books/movies and memorabilia.

 

[Godzilla2000]

Not liking someone because they have different tastes in music, that is silly.

You'd be surprised how many relationships hinge on mutual musical tastes. I just cannot stand that whole Urban (Chav) lifestyle and the musical tastes of that subculture. I'm really not predisposed towards wanting to subject myself to a modern musical style that I really can't stand listening to. I don't like someone that much that I'd listen to music like that. Most of the post-modern Rap/Hip Hop stuff is so much more cynical and self aggrandizing. I mostly like artists from that genre that I grew up listening to like Pebbles or PM Dawn or Luther Vandross. Compared to what is being played on the Radio Stations today I find the lyrics to their songs much more meaningful and profound or just plain ridiculously fun than all that talk of shorties and bling. But that's just my preferential checklist when it comes to what I look for in a man. You have to share some musical interests with someone because what kind of enjoyment can you derive from just hanging out with each other if you can't even stand what each other is listening to?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

We usually go to one of our houses, or to the movies. Sometimes things like the zoo or go to "trendy" places downtown to walk around/talk/shop/have dinner etc.

No, we haven't been in each other's worlds, but she's still not the type to do that. I know she was freaking out because Italy won yesterday and maybe she wound up at some celebration where weed was involved, like with her ex...who is also Italian. I should mention I am too.

What's not the type to do that? Someone who is afraid of committment? Someone who doesn't want a real relationship with you?

Sounds like you two are very much in that dating behavior, not boyfriend/girlfriend behavior. When I knew I wanted to my now fiancee around for the long term, I didn't keep her at arms length, only seeing her once or twice a week, hanging with friends seperately. We were both very much a part of each other lives, doing pretty much everything together. I mean, if there was a major sporting event I was going to watch, I'd want her there too.

Exactly.

I've always felt that actually literally sleeping with someone is more intimate than having sex with them.

I think it requires more comfort level and trust to sleep soundly with someone laying beside you than just to spend fifteen minutes having fun with them.

I definitely think cuddles in bed (combined with stroking and maybe a couple of gentle kisses) are the most intimate experiences of my life.

And weirdly, those usually happen when sex isn't in the equation for the night.

Ah yes, the parents putting a dent into things.

I'm not actually sure how one could take a relationship from "casually dating" to "serious" without getting out from under your parents' roof. I mean, my best friend was living with her parents when she got engaged, but she and her now-hubby met at college so at least they got the chance to get intimate with each other there. Plus he had his own place 1.5 hours away so if she reeeaaally wanted to see him alone, she could...

One of my mates has just moved in with his girlfriend... at her parents house

Why not? You're 23/24. You should be able to have a girl over for a day or two.

This.

Sometimes I feel like I've ruined my girlfriend's life.
We started dating just under 3 years ago it was the usual start of relationship, spend every possible minute together, couldn't keep our hands off one another, you know what's it like. And as time went on, everytime we got invited out with our close group of friends, we would either go out for an hour or two then back to mine, or not go altogether. And it was always me saying "Let's just get out of here" but she always loved that.

But recently I've started hanging out with my friends, which she is fine with, but she never wants to hang out with hers. Before we met, she was really popular and struggled finding the time to even see me when we started dating. And it's not even that she only wants to see me, she just doesn't want to hang about with anyone else and it sometimes feels like I'm her only option. Anytime her friends try to see her, she reschedules until they get annoyed and drop the invite altogether.

I just feel that me being so clingy and only wanting to see her at the start has made her become anti-social. It's not as if she's clingy towards me, just flat out doesn't want to hang about with anyone else. And that's extremely weird because she has never been anything close to a "loner" or anti-social.

Now, I feel that if I ever go to move on from our relationship (which I can't really see happening) that my main stumbling block would be guilt because I've taken this bright, popular, friendly girl and turned her into... well me, basically.

At times it gets so bad that I briefly think that if she were to break up with me I wouldn't put up that much of a fight.

But despite all this, I still love her, and when I picture my future, it is always with her and I'm happy but I'll only be 21 in a month so maybe I don't have a realistic grasp on what to expect?

I don't know. Any help would be appreciated. That's the first time I've told anyone this annd it was surprisingly difficult.

You're relationship started 3 years ago. You say she was a popular girl, always going out with friends?

That was just a phase of her life. The kind of phase every 18/19 year old girl goes through, and maybe now she's just more comfortable being an introvert. She's had 3 years maturing and figuring out how she really enjoys spending her time.

If she WANTED to go out and be that girl again, she probably could fairly easily. But it doesn't sound like she wants too. Which to me says all those 'friends' you say she had, were just people she used to party with because she didn't like being alone. And with you, she's not alone. So she doesn't have that void to fill, so to speak.

Do you feel she is unhappy? Do you think she misses going out and being that person?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I just cannot stand that whole Urban (Chav) lifestyle and the musical tastes of that subculture.

Wait wait wait... are you in the UK?

 

[Erzengel]

You'd be surprised how many relationships hinge on mutual musical tastes. I just cannot stand that whole Urban (Chav) lifestyle and the musical tastes of that subculture. I'm really not predisposed towards wanting to subject myself to a modern musical style that I really can't stand listening to. I don't like someone that much that I'd listen to music like that. Most of the post-modern Rap/Hip Hop stuff is so much more cynical and self aggrandizing. I mostly like artists from that genre that I grew up listening to like Pebbles or PM Dawn or Luther Vandross. Compared to what is being played on the Radio Stations today I find the lyrics to their songs much more meaningful and profound or just plain ridiculously fun than all that talk of shorties and bling. But that's just my preferential checklist when it comes to what I look for in a man. You have to share some musical interests with someone because what kind of enjoyment can you derive from just hanging out with each other if you can't even stand what each other is listening to?

I've never met a couple where the relationship "hinges" on mutual musical tastes.

I mean it does help to have similar interests.

But if you like someone, you like someone.