Lord of the Advice: Return of the King of Relationships

[TLH]

Would it be okay if he were gay? Or a girl? Have you met him?

Also, 6 months is a pretty long time (at least if you're seeing each other regularly) - any plans for the future for both of you? Cause right now if she's still hanging out so much with him (or any other friend one-on-one), it doesn't seem like her relationship with you is really that serious. It could be more like FWB, but I'm making presumptions.

The issue here is not that she's spending so much time with her ex, it's that you might not be seeing eye-to-eye as to how serious the relationship is right now.

I mean, buying a movie poster for your SO is like, a 3-month-relationship kind of thing. You'd think a 6-month relationship would be somewhat more intimate/personal. It doesn't even have to do emotional validation or not, just how much time you spend with each other and how high your prioritize your time with each other.

Cause I mean, I've heard of relationships where the partners don't see each other for months at a time, and it stays that casual for years. If both partners are happy, who am I to say they're doing something wrong? But it's clear that you're unhappy, so something needs to change. It isn't that what you're doing is wrong or what she's doing is wrong. You just need to get on the same wavelength about that.

The problem is he's her ex-boyfriend from her most serious relationship. She sees her friends and myself about equal (once per week), though today is the second day in a row she's with him.

Yes, it's a relationship, not FWB. She refers to me as her boyfriend + we do relationship-like things (i.e., holding hands).

The poster was just a random gift. We already had our six month anniversary date. She's never once said she didn't have time to see me or anything like that. She makes time for me and it's been fairly easy to get together and do things. To be honest, though, I'm the one who always asks about when she's free the next week, but at this point it's probably because she's used to me initiating, or maybe I'm just saying that?)

I guess you're right. I am unhappy, but not with *us* because when we're together, it's great and, for me, we has serious potential. But I guess I am more dependent on this relationship than she is because she's not an emotional person. And I have trust issues ever since I got burned in the past (I wasn't cheated on, I was blindsided by a breakup when I was, just the day before, told things were good, and now I'm always paranoid a breakup could be coming no matter how good things seem).

TLH, no one cares, you interrupted a perfectly good old Japanese lady doing raunchy, nasty, indescribable things to food discussion.

Go die in a fire?

 

[Anita18]

The problem is he's her ex-boyfriend from her most serious relationship. She sees her friends and myself about equal (once per week), though today is the second day in a row she's with him.

Yes, it's a relationship, not FWB. She refers to me as her boyfriend + we do relationship-like things (i.e., holding hands).

The poster was just a random gift. We already had our six month anniversary date. She's never once said she didn't have time to see me or anything like that. She makes time for me and it's been fairly easy to get together and do things. To be honest, though, I'm the one who always asks about when she's free the next week, but at this point it's probably because she's used to me initiating, or maybe I'm just saying that?)

I guess you're right. I am unhappy, but not with *us* because when we're together, it's great and, for me, we has serious potential. But I guess I am more dependent on this relationship than she is because she's not an emotional person. And I have trust issues ever since I got burned in the past (I wasn't cheated on, I was blindsided by a breakup when I was, just the day before, told things were good, and now I'm always paranoid a breakup could be coming no matter how good things seem).

Have you told her about the last part? Being patient with someone's hangups/baggage/etc is a big part about being in a relationship with that person. She can't just ignore it or tell you that it's not a big deal. It's a serious trust issue that you both have to work on.

She'd have to be seriously dumb to not realize that spending more time with her ex than her current bf would bring up some serious doubts, especially if her current bf has been blindsided by a breakup in the past.

 

[knowsbleed]

It's disheartening to hear about people who throw themselves into relationship after relationship even though they may not be ready, or even happy or strong enough themselves to be happy... with themselves. Insecurity in yourself is a surefire way to drive someone away who is secure with themselves.

 

[TLH]

You're both absolutely right. To be fair, I was fairly ready for this relationship because I went a year after the blind-side breakup before getting into this relationship, but I guess I'm a big damaged in terms of security.

Maybe I should just talk to her. But she's going away in a few days on a vacation and it would probably not be the best time.

Anyway, thanks for the help. I'll just have to be as strong as I can and if it's meant to be it'll be.

 

[Erzengel]

The problem is he's her ex-boyfriend from her most serious relationship. She sees her friends and myself about equal (once per week), though today is the second day in a row she's with him.

Yes, it's a relationship, not FWB. She refers to me as her boyfriend + we do relationship-like things (i.e., holding hands).

The poster was just a random gift. We already had our six month anniversary date. She's never once said she didn't have time to see me or anything like that. She makes time for me and it's been fairly easy to get together and do things. To be honest, though, I'm the one who always asks about when she's free the next week, but at this point it's probably because she's used to me initiating, or maybe I'm just saying that?)

I guess you're right. I am unhappy, but not with *us* because when we're together, it's great and, for me, we has serious potential. But I guess I am more dependent on this relationship than she is because she's not an emotional person. And I have trust issues ever since I got burned in the past (I wasn't cheated on, I was blindsided by a breakup when I was, just the day before, told things were good, and now I'm always paranoid a breakup could be coming no matter how good things seem).

Are you sure this girl is the right person for you?

I mean, no person we date, checks off on every item on our list of what we look for in someone else.

There doesn't seem to be any real communication between you 2. The fact that you can't "tell" her things because you're afraid of her reaction.

She's not really emotional and you don't seem to be getting the affection you wanted and there's nothing wrong with that.

You talk about potential in this relationship and you've already been together for 6 months? A lot of people would already call this a serious relationship. I hope I'm not reading too much into it, but "holding hands" is your example of doing relationship things? Sounds very....junior high...no offense.

I just wondering if you are in this relationship because you want to be? Or because you are in this relationship because you want to be in a relationship?

 

[Anita18]

You're both absolutely right. To be fair, I was fairly ready for this relationship because I went a year after the blind-side breakup before getting into this relationship, but I guess I'm a big damaged in terms of security.

Maybe I should just talk to her. But she's going away in a few days on a vacation and it would probably not be the best time.

Anyway, thanks for the help. I'll just have to be as strong as I can and if it's meant to be it'll be.

It depends on the person, too. The security thing might not be an issue at all if you were with another person. My first bf was very insecure and an extrovert who needed validation in being with other people. I'm an extreme introvert who was very insecure in my introversion. Am I still completely secure in my introversion now? I'm actually not sure, because my fiance is an introvert too and we match well together on that front. I haven't been tested in that manner, at least since my first bf. So it's been a moot point.

It isn't like smoothing out all the dents in your armor is REQUIRED before you get into a relationship. You could happen to meet someone who you're compatible with emotionally, and the relationship could feel effortless. But you also have to learn when someone just isn't right for you, or when getting to be on the same wavelength requires some serious effort.

You could still talk to her now to clear the air before she leaves for an extended time. It's not like she's leaving tomorrow, is she? Plus it's not like you're asking her to cancel the vacation - you just want to tell her this trust issue and hopefully work things out. The earlier you sort this stuff out, the better. The more time that passes, the more these negative thoughts stew and that's really no good for anybody. Think of it this way - you don't want to be the one who blindsides HER in a breakup.

 

[TLH]

Are you sure this girl is the right person for you?

I mean, no person we date, checks off on every item on our list of what we look for in someone else.

There doesn't seem to be any real communication between you 2. The fact that you can't "tell" her things because you're afraid of her reaction.

She's not really emotional and you don't seem to be getting the affection you wanted and there's nothing wrong with that.

You talk about potential in this relationship and you've already been together for 6 months? A lot of people would already call this a serious relationship. I hope I'm not reading too much into it, but "holding hands" is your example of doing relationship things? Sounds very....junior high...no offense.

I just wondering if you are in this relationship because you want to be? Or because you are in this relationship because you want to be in a relationship?

Oh, haha, no there are intimate elements to the relationship I didn't mention. I thought those were obvious 6 months in to a relationship? Anyway, no, that's fine. I was using holding hands as an example to contrast with the suggestion we were merely friends with benefits.

I think it's a combination. I want a relationship. And I want a relationship with this girl. I get it, I need to talk to her. But the timing is bad, because she's going away and I don't want to have this conversation on the last day I see her before she's gone for a month (she leaves in three days, I'm seeing her on Saturday).

Anita, you're right...it's possible she's not the right person for me because she doesn't require or provide the same level of emotional involvement that I require/provide. But everything else is pretty much perfect, so I think before even considering that I need to talk to her. I'd rather some effort was put in than just assuming we can't work. Like I say (and without exaggeration) we work extremely well in almost every other way. She has no idea about my emotional needs because I've hid them very well to not pressure her, but yes, a conversation is in order.

 

[Erzengel]

Well, I knew someone who came from an emotionally stunted family and she met someone who was very affectionate. She did start becoming more emotional.

Can your gf do a 180? I mean it is either there or it is not.

 

[TLH]

Of course she can, anyone can, it just takes the more time depending on the person to open up.

 

[Erzengel]

Of course she can, anyone can, it just takes the more time depending on the person to open up.

Not everyone can.

 

[TLH]

Not everyone can.

She's not stone cold or anything. I don't need Juliet either. Just want to be on the same page and get a bit more reassurance through affection once in a while, that's all. It would help allievate my discomfort with her hanging out/going out for dinner/seeing a movie with her ex once in a while. Or maybe I shouldn't be okay with that?

 

[Anita18]

Anita, you're right...it's possible she's not the right person for me because she doesn't require or provide the same level of emotional involvement that I require/provide. But everything else is pretty much perfect, so I think before even considering that I need to talk to her. I'd rather some effort was put in than just assuming we can't work. Like I say (and without exaggeration) we work extremely well in almost every other way. She has no idea about my emotional needs because I've hid them very well to not pressure her, but yes, a conversation is in order.

Well see, that's on you too. Hiding something in a relationship as to not pressure your partner doesn't always work, because the other person simply doesn't know what you need. Nobody's a mind-reader, ESPECIALLY if they aren't naturally compatible with you emotionally.

As for her hanging with her ex, it could mean nothing, or it could mean they're reconnecting romantically. The only thing you can really do is ask. You can't stop her, because as you said, she'll resent you for it. Getting someone to nurture some trust and openness shouldn't be like pulling teeth.

 

[TLH]

I know, you're right.

She says they are just friends and that it's nothing to worry about. And I believe her. But I also believe a romantic reconnection could happen unintentionally/unexpectedly. That's where my problem is. Do you think I'm justified in that concern? I'd be insulting her will-power/commitment to me by questioning that something could develop unintentionally.

 

[scatterax]

Unless she's spending time alone with him you have nothing to worry about.

 

[Erzengel]

If she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat.

Whether you never bring up your feelings or if you do.

But at least you'd be honest with your relationship. I don't like it when you hang out with your ex, but I trust you.

 

[TLH]

Unless she's spending time alone with him you have nothing to worry about.

They've gone to movies, just the two of them, but obviously that's a public place...if that's what you mean by "spending time alone"

If she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat.

Whether you never bring up your feelings or if you do.

But at least you'd be honest with your relationship. I don't like it when you hang out with your ex, but I trust you.

Oh I don't believe she'd cheat, just maybe regain interest in him such that it screws over our relationship.

I guess all I can do is think that if that's what it takes to lose this, then it wasn't worth it and wasn't going to last anyway.

 

[knowsbleed]

I used to get jealous of my current hanging out with her ex, even letting her ex sleep over when I was gone. She even said that I shouldn't be jealous if her and the ex kissed. It pissed me off... but I got over it. It's slightly different because her ex is female, but nonetheless... it still made me jealous. Nothing came of it and we're still together.

 

[TLH]

^That strikes me as different because there appears to be a sexual orientation angle in play. But I still take your point.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

The problem is he's her ex-boyfriend from her most serious relationship. She sees her friends and myself about equal (once per week), though today is the second day in a row she's with him.

Go die in a fire?

Ya know you're response there is fairly humorless. It's good to be able to roll with the punches.

Really your problem could be imagined. Yes, I'd be warry of an ex-boyfriend, and if you have reached such a level as you've described I'd be interested in *ahem* supervising at least the first few or periodic visits they have together to see for yourself how they interact.

I recently broke up with the girl I was seeing basically over a similar kind of thing. I liked things about her, don't get me wrong, it was just clear the other guy she was "seeing" was inevitably the better choice (I assume because he wanted kids and I definitely do not want kids. F*** having kids at 27). So there may be things down the road you enevitably can't reconcile.

Honestly though my instincts tells me she's playing a "game" with you, as they like to call it. I don't know what it is about people but eventually they want to test you out with their past. Admit or show off something they know you won't like. Sometimes it's just a bunch of smoke and mirrors, perhaps just to get a little more attention. Sometimes it's a sign that they have an intense sexual attraction that will probably end in you walking in on them together. Girls can be like that.

Honestly, I think it's the former. You don't seem to be describing something to worrisome, but like war games "the way you win the game is not to play the game". I mean I'd limit their alone time, but I wouldn't get too in her face about it. Maybe I'd even try to have sex more with her, or try to make her feel sexy more. Often times that's all that is. They are looking for a little more flirting and just kind of casual talk. You know after a while, you may not even realize it, but even I kind of plateau in my flirtaious nature when I've been with someone a while.

So like I say, don't be a dick about this situation, but monitor kind of like Uatu the Watcher: "they shalt not interfere". So just don't do anything rash. That's the kiss of death here. React accordingly. Don't, as I say, let they have a "night over" or anything, but also don't interfere with just casual encounters and talks.

 

[Erzengel]

They've gone to movies, just the two of them, but obviously that's a public place...if that's what you mean by "spending time alone"



Oh I don't believe she'd cheat, just maybe regain interest in him such that it screws over our relationship.

I guess all I can do is think that if that's what it takes to lose this, then it wasn't worth it and wasn't going to last anyway.

My point is, not saying something, is not going to make things not happen as opposed to saying something and messing things up.

I know you know you have to talk to her and you're a little unsure about it and I'm just saying you can mess things up by not saying something.

 

[knowsbleed]

I know that you know that we know that he knows that she probably knows that she doesn't really know what he knows... ya know?

 

[TLH]

Did I mention she doesn't know I know she hangs out with her ex as a friend? Once in a while I read her twitter and that's how I know. She hasn't actually told me he's her ex, and when I know they've hung out, she just says "oh I was with my friend last night and we saw the Avengers" etc... and I'd ask "which friend" and she'd say "Adam" ... very non-chalant, so maybe there is nothing to it, evidently she feels no need to specify their history, maybe it signifies it truly is platonic for her? I mean they haven't seen each other very much in the last few years after the break up and then he moved away for a few years of university. So how does this change things in your opinions?

 

[knowsbleed]

*red alert*

*red alert*

*red alert*

 

[Erzengel]

Actually that would make me more suspicious.

Omission is still lying.

If there's no history, then there's no big deal, and saying "friend" instead of saying Adam right off the bat, could be a deliberate way she doesn't want to piss you off, start an argument, etc.

I'm not insinuating that there's no funny business going on. And I'm sure the debate of whether exes can be friends can go on and on. But out of respect for you, she shouldn't be spending equal time with the both of you and she should be upfront with her history.

 

[TLH]

Well f**k me.