Return of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[SpideyVille]

In my travels, I've come across many members of the fairer sex and one thing I've noticed is that some of them are very quick to speak about having a boyfriend to everyone, while others will mention it casually in a conversation later on. So it intrigued me enough to want to open a forum for discussion.

For those of you in relationships or have been in one, do you tell people your relationship right away, or do you mention it later on, and why? For example, ladies, do you let ever guy that approaches you know that you have a boyfriend by casually throwing it into a sentence when you first meet them, such as Oh, my boyfriend likes that too? Or do you just keep it to yourself and not let it affect or influence a friendship? Same question for the guys. Which would you do to a girl that approaches you? Does the state of the relationship have any influence in this?

As for those of you who are still seeking, which do you prefer? Do you feel like those people who tell you right away that they have a S.O. are doing it in a way to let you know not to even try? Or do you feel cheated when they hide long enough for you to be interested and want to make a move? Which would you prefer?

Discuss!

 

[Microchip]

Honestly, I bring up my GF if the girl I'm talking to is harsh creeping on me. It's not to say that there aren't girls/guys who are just crazy head over heels over their partners and bring them up every chance they get, but a lot of times, announcing a relationship to the opposite sex is a way of saying "I'm taken".

This may be because they want to look sexy/cool/wanted, or maybe they just don't like the guy/girl they're talking to THAT WAY, but I think more often than not that's the case.

 

[Harls]

For those of you in relationships or have been in one, do you tell people your relationship right away, or do you mention it later on, and why?

I usually mention it later on because I don't think it's anyone's business and should not affect the friendship/conversation at hand. I don't hide it (I "casually mention it", as you put it), but I don't flaunt it, either. I have friends who talk about nothing but their relationships & I don't want to be anything like them, so that's another reason I steer clear of the typical relationship talk.

For example, ladies, do you let ever guy that approaches you know that you have a boyfriend?

Nah, I don't do that unless they start seriously hitting on me or being creepy or something.

 

[Schlosser85]

I think it's classy to have a certain level of privacy about your personal life. I never come in anywhere bragging about my partner, but at the same time I am very proud of them when I have one.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

To answer the other question, I prefer a girl to tell me up front if she has a boyfriend or not so I know if it's a waste of my time or not. But at the same time, I also don't except a girl to just say "Oh yes my boyfriend", so I ask questions that would bring up a possible boyfriend.

 

[SpideyVille]

I knew this one girl last semester would always somehow mention her boyfriend in a sentence, and in a way it was kind of a relief because it took the pressure off of trying to impress her since I felt like I didn't have shot.

But then tonight, I was talking to a girl who I normally wouldn't go after because I felt like she was out of my league, plus I didn't really like her personality from what I used to see from her. But I've known her through a friend for a while and now we finally have a class together and have been getting to talk more. And I started to develop some feelings for her in the past few weeks after talking to her more and more, but then she mentioned having a boyfriend, and my reaction to myself was like "since when?" Needless to say, I've decided to move on from that.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

By refusing to communicate, I think he's made his feelings for you known enough.

But you can posture it in a less hurtful way by telling him it's not because he's a bad person, but because you guys aren't communicating the way that people in a relationship should be.

Man going through and reading A_F's situation, it reminds me of my previous situation in a lot of ways.

The person who originally showed so much interest, attention, and affection, always wanting me around, wanting to talk to me, until somewhere along the line out of nowhere things changed, and she'd never give me any kind of indication as to what happened. I tried to be there for her to support her cuz I knew she had a rough hand dealt to her (similar to A_F saying her guy had a rough hand dealt to him in previous relationships) and I just wanted to show her that I wasn't like all the guys in the past that had hurt her and mistreated her.

There was a moment of promise where she came back around, but then disappeared on me again, until we finally had a talk and I *thought* things were worked out and we were on the right track again, until, as in A_F's situation, there was no contact anymore. The texts and the talks stopped coming, the only thing left was when she'd crawl around my Facebook and comment on just about everything I did.

What you said, Anita, is exactly what I finally ended up doing. I told her I was leaving, and I didn't call her out and say she was this horrible evil *****, but simply put that I couldn't continue chasing someone who didn't want me in her life. I was even a lot nicer about it than I needed to be, telling her that it's not how I wanted things to be, and that if she still wanted me in her life that I was still her - but it had to be her that makes the effort because this can't be one sided. I did tell her that it was pretty clear to me that the "relationship" always meant more to me than it did to her given her actions.

I can certainly sympathize with A_F. I'm *still* not completely over this girl. I *still* wish things had worked out differently with her, and I'll admit I *still* wish things would happen that would allow us to work things out. But what everyone is saying to her is right. You have to be selfish. If the guy isn't giving you what you need, then you need to let him go and move on to something better. I know it's easier said than done. But what everyone is telling you is the truth.

 

[SpideyVille]

Man going through and reading A_F's situation, it reminds me of my previous situation in a lot of ways.

The person who originally showed so much interest, attention, and affection, always wanting me around, wanting to talk to me, until somewhere along the line out of nowhere things changed, and she'd never give me any kind of indication as to what happened. I tried to be there for her to support her cuz I knew she had a rough hand dealt to her (similar to A_F saying her guy had a rough hand dealt to him in previous relationships) and I just wanted to show her that I wasn't like all the guys in the past that had hurt her and mistreated her.

There was a moment of promise where she came back around, but then disappeared on me again, until we finally had a talk and I *thought* things were worked out and we were on the right track again, until, as in A_F's situation, there was no contact anymore. The texts and the talks stopped coming, the only thing left was when she'd crawl around my Facebook and comment on just about everything I did.

What you said, Anita, is exactly what I finally ended up doing. I told her I was leaving, and I didn't call her out and say she was this horrible evil *****, but simply put that I couldn't continue chasing someone who didn't want me in her life. I was even a lot nicer about it than I needed to be, telling her that it's not how I wanted things to be, and that if she still wanted me in her life that I was still her - but it had to be her that makes the effort because this can't be one sided. I did tell her that it was pretty clear to me that the "relationship" always meant more to me than it did to her given her actions.

I can certainly sympathize with A_F. I'm *still* not completely over this girl. I *still* wish things had worked out differently with her, and I'll admit I *still* wish things would happen that would allow us to work things out. But what everyone is saying to her is right. You have to be selfish. If the guy isn't giving you what you need, then you need to let him go and move on to something better. I know it's easier said than done. But what everyone is telling you is the truth.

I was in almost the same exact situation last summer. I started talking to this girl in one of my classes at the end of the semester and she really seemed to be interested in me. We would talk every day online and message each other and stuff until one day, about 2 months later, it just stopped. I'll admit, I panicked and didn't know what to think. At first, I was also trying to help her because she confessed that she suffered from depression, despite the fact that she was always smiling and was cheerful to everyone. I didn't want to do anything that would hurt her and push her back there. But then as things started to die down, I started questioning her, asking what happened, and to this day she hasn't given me an answer. But at the time, she said she wasn't ignoring me on purpose or anything, even though she wouldn't respond to my texts or calls or anything for weeks.

Finally, I ignored her for a couple of weeks and she came back asking why, and I let her know how i was feeling, how I didn't think I could trust her anymore because she had been lying to me for so long. She got mad at me and said I wasn't who she thought I was and stuff, and I'll admit I got very needy towards the end of it. But after that, we really didn't speak until a few months ago. During that time, I really beat myself up and lost all desire to get out and have fun. I thought that maybe by talking to her and setting things straight, I could fix myself, but she still wouldn't speak to me.

One day, I ran into her and we spent some time together talking and I ended up apologizing to her, even though I really wanted to curse her out. But we went out and did something a week later, and one of her friends stopped by, and it was mostly just the two of them talking, but during that I realized I didn't like her anymore. It was almost like I saw her as she really was, instead of who I thought she was months before. But I agree, even though this girl told me that I was special and stuff, it was clear that by her actions that I cared more. And in that, I needed to be a little more selfish and stop putting her or her feelings first. I needed to do what was right for me, which was to let her be and move on with my own life.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

In my travels, I've come across many members of the fairer sex and one thing I've noticed is that some of them are very quick to speak about having a boyfriend to everyone, while others will mention it casually in a conversation later on. So it intrigued me enough to want to open a forum for discussion.

For those of you in relationships or have been in one, do you tell people your relationship right away, or do you mention it later on, and why? For example, ladies, do you let ever guy that approaches you know that you have a boyfriend by casually throwing it into a sentence when you first meet them, such as Oh, my boyfriend likes that too? Or do you just keep it to yourself and not let it affect or influence a friendship? Same question for the guys. Which would you do to a girl that approaches you? Does the state of the relationship have any influence in this?

As for those of you who are still seeking, which do you prefer? Do you feel like those people who tell you right away that they have a S.O. are doing it in a way to let you know not to even try? Or do you feel cheated when they hide long enough for you to be interested and want to make a move? Which would you prefer?

Discuss!

Yeah, if i was in a relationship, and any other girl gave me the slightest indication she was into me, I would mention i had a girlfriend, even at the risk of sounding like a boast.
I'll tell you man, it happened to me once, v annoying. I saw this girl who i had been into , like, really really into, a couple of years previous, for the first time in a few years. She was working at this gallery i walked past, looked really pleased to see me, so i go in, we talk etc, she tells me they are having an opening that night and to come along.
So i go along, hoping for the best(quick recap of past events in years past: i had asked her out before, and she said she'd call me about it to arrange things, she didn't, so i got v drunk that day instead, then ran into her along with some mutal friends that day, she said she had tried to call me, but i think she was fibbing as she saw i had got wasted cause of it, but it would have been a disaster anyway), i had quit drinking at this point, so i thought that would give me a better chance this time as she knew my drinking got in the way of going out before.
So, it is quite a nice night, we chat away, catching up on each others lifes in the intervenming years, no mention of a boyfriend, and she knew i still liked her, she knew how much i liked her. So, at the end of the night she says I should come back round to the gallery and we should go for a coffee. Ok, does that sound like a tenuous invitation for a date? Or even an invitation to ask her out on a date? Cause it did to me, lol.
So i go back a week later, she is on holiday, i go back the following week, ask her out to see Hancock, which was just about to come out, and she doesn't say 'oh, sorry , i have a boyfriend.', but, 'well, yeah, but we;ll have to bring (bf's name) along too,', and man, she really enjoyed telling me that, really enjoyed making me feel uncomfortable. What i think she was doing was testing to see if i was really her friend, or whether i was only interested in getting together with her, but it was a bit crap i think to do that deliberately.

But...with some of the things i have done, one in particular, i think i had that karma coming. See, when i started hanging out with her, she had a pal who stayed across the road from my flat. I got on with both of them v well, but the girl i liked was more difficult to get to see obviously. So, what would happen is her friend, would pop over to see me now and again, and , 'y'know, i would have hung out with her normally, but, because she was friends with someone i liked, i hung out with her for longer than i would have normally, time wise, thinking if i gave a good impression, when i asked her friend out, she would put in a good word for me.
But, what hapeened, unbeknowenst to me, was that the friend ending up liking me, yeah, i am dumb, i did not see that coming. So, one night things come to a head, she comes round with a pal(i had not met b4), the pal leaves, she refuses to leave, lol. i have a doctor's appointment the next morning that is 5 miles away, i have just sank some wine, and i have to make sure i get to it cause i need a sick line to get my money. but, she won't leave, i know it's cause she wants to sleep with me, so ok, i end up instigating it, as she wants me to, but we just fool around before sleeping, although i did not really sleep, as i knew i wouldn't.
So, i bolt to the doctors with a hangover and no sleep, get the line, and head down to my parents for money for a hangover cure, which is just a mile away from the docs. I phone her at my flat to see she is alright, tell her to go make some breakfast and i will be back once i have sank a couple of beers, but, i end up sinking about 8 beers or something, maybe more, by the time i get back there, she is gone. And of course, i think i was being a p**** and hoping she would be, or at least, i would be so drunk by the time i got back, i would not be embaressed about what happened.
so, y'know, i ended up hurting her a bit, i think, not sure how much.
I mean, b4 that happened, i told her that i liked her friend, and she looked shocked at that(thats when i realised she had been starting to like me a bit that way, and thought i was romancing her). so i was usrprised she still wanted to do anything with me, but i guess she had been expecting something to happen, and wanted *something* to happen, after all that psuedo courting.she came up to the flat that night, i was absolutely wasted by that point, probably put away about 15 beers by that point, and maybe more. She came up to the flat with a friend that night and asked me for a litle money for bus fare, i think it was just an excuse to see what i was doing. I was in the middle of partying with my flatmates and their friends, and when she saw how wasted i was she split rightaway. I felt bad about all that, i was a frickin mess, i should not have been anyway near relationships, dating etc back then.

I ended becoming good friend with her anyway after that, she was cool with me. th elast time i saw her b4 i moved out of the flat was when she smoked some marauana with me and freaked out while watching an episode of the muppet show on video, lol. but i used to bump into her here and there at gigs and all that afterwards, she was a real nice girl, it's just that i couldnt get past the fact i fancied her friend so much, and i just thought of her as a friend, who knows, if i had met her years later when i was sober maybe something woul dhave happened, don't know, but i think really i just thought of her as a friend really.
So i guess i deserved that thing at the gallery for that, yeah, f sure.

i saw that girl a couple of months ago, and vaguely apologisd to her for being such a maniac back in those days. i did not want to be specific about what i was apologising in case i embareesed her, i mean, i don't think she was in love with me, or it was even that heavy a fancy, it was just that she fancied me a bit, thought i did too, but then she felt i was using her to get close to her pal, and to an extent that was true. as i said, i would have hung out with her anyway, just not as frequently or for as long if it wasn't for that. So that was what hurt.

holy moses, when i start on these thing sthey get out of control , but hey, i hav e got that off my chest hairs.

 

[Erzengel]

I don't go out of my way to tell people I'm with someone but if you are in the midst of a conversation, and you'd been with someone for a significant time, chances are they are going to come up in a conversation.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

I don't go out of my way to tell people I'm with someone but if you are in the midst of a conversation, and you'd been with someone for a significant time, chances are they are going to come up in a conversation.

Yeah, that woman i was just talking about, that was four years since i'd hung out with her, and i think she had been with that guy a couple of years, so it was strange he did not come up in conversation once, when she knew I liked her.

 

[Erzengel]

I think quite a few people don't do it because they like the attention. They may not necessarily want to cheat but yes they are leading the person on in a way. Which is why I never assumed that if a woman accepted a drink from me, that I was automatically in.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

I think quite a few people don't do it because they like the attention. They may not necessarily want to cheat but yes they are leading the person on in a way. Which is why I never assumed that if a woman accepted a drink from me, that I was automatically in.

Yeah, i have never automatically assumed I was 'in', in those types of situations, but in that case, i sure did think she was unattached, and yeah, she did love the attention i gave her, i could tell. Ach, as i said, karma, the only bad thing about it really, was that i kicked a traffic cone outside after it, forgot they had sand bags inside them, and almost broke my toe, it was frickin sore though, lol.

edit: the thing about this girl was, that made me think i had a good chance, was that when a couple of other girls had been interested in me at various gatherings, she would look over and growl at them, and give me a look, she *was* jealous, and she did like me at one point, but if i did have any chance, i messed it up with my drinking and insecurities. Thankfully i don't drink anymore, and have taken care of those insecurities, but I don't take anything for granted in that department, i know this stuff takes a lot of work, esp if you are inexperienced like me.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I was in almost the same exact situation last summer. I started talking to this girl in one of my classes at the end of the semester and she really seemed to be interested in me. We would talk every day online and message each other and stuff until one day, about 2 months later, it just stopped. I'll admit, I panicked and didn't know what to think. At first, I was also trying to help her because she confessed that she suffered from depression, despite the fact that she was always smiling and was cheerful to everyone. I didn't want to do anything that would hurt her and push her back there. But then as things started to die down, I started questioning her, asking what happened, and to this day she hasn't given me an answer. But at the time, she said she wasn't ignoring me on purpose or anything, even though she wouldn't respond to my texts or calls or anything for weeks.

Finally, I ignored her for a couple of weeks and she came back asking why, and I let her know how i was feeling, how I didn't think I could trust her anymore because she had been lying to me for so long. She got mad at me and said I wasn't who she thought I was and stuff, and I'll admit I got very needy towards the end of it. But after that, we really didn't speak until a few months ago. During that time, I really beat myself up and lost all desire to get out and have fun. I thought that maybe by talking to her and setting things straight, I could fix myself, but she still wouldn't speak to me.

One day, I ran into her and we spent some time together talking and I ended up apologizing to her, even though I really wanted to curse her out. But we went out and did something a week later, and one of her friends stopped by, and it was mostly just the two of them talking, but during that I realized I didn't like her anymore. It was almost like I saw her as she really was, instead of who I thought she was months before. But I agree, even though this girl told me that I was special and stuff, it was clear that by her actions that I cared more. And in that, I needed to be a little more selfish and stop putting her or her feelings first. I needed to do what was right for me, which was to let her be and move on with my own life.

The bolded part is a key factor, was any of your interaction outside class face to face? Did you flat out ask her out, not do you want to hang out sometime, but do you want to go out to dinner/movie/for drinks. Otherwise who can blame her for dissappearing, you were a penpal nothing more. You needed to man up and ask her out. She may have liked you, but you were too wishy washy to make things actually happen and put yourself in at best the friend zone, at worst in just a penpal area.

Yeah, that woman i was just talking about, that was four years since i'd hung out with her, and i think she had been with that guy a couple of years, so it was strange he did not come up in conversation once, when she knew I liked her.

How did this girl know you liked her, did you tell her? Sounds to me like you just happened to bump into her, were friendly with her, acted like you wanted to catch up as a friend, but turned into a *****ebag the moment she mentioned a boyfriend.

Sometimes that doesn't come up in conversation right off the bat. When I talking to someone, I do my best not to mention my girlfriend all the time because it bugged me when I was single, the people constantly talked about their boyfriend/girlfriend. Usually it does come up in conversation because we do a lot together, I don't hide it, but I don't flaunt it either.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

How did this girl know you liked her, did you tell her? Sounds to me like you just happened to bump into her, were friendly with her, acted like you wanted to catch up as a friend, but turned into a *****ebag the moment she mentioned a boyfriend.

She knew, i told her years back, and she knew then as well when we met back up again. And i did not act like a '*****ebag' when she mentioned the bf, thanks v much pal. I was cool when she told me, the reason i kicked the cone when i was outside was because folk had warned me about her leading guys on and making fools out of them, and i didn't listen, because i didn't believe she was like that. But that's what she was doing there.

Sometimes that doesn't come up in conversation right off the bat. When I talking to someone, I do my best not to mention my girlfriend all the time because it bugged me when I was single, the people constantly talked about their boyfriend/girlfriend. Usually it does come up in conversation because we do a lot together, I don't hide it, but I don't flaunt it either.

different people, different situations, don't assume you know the ins and outs of mine due to your own experiences, or think you can judge me and insult me on that evidence.

 

[SpideyVille]

The bolded part is a key factor, was any of your interaction outside class face to face? Did you flat out ask her out, not do you want to hang out sometime, but do you want to go out to dinner/movie/for drinks. Otherwise who can blame her for dissappearing, you were a penpal nothing more. You needed to man up and ask her out. She may have liked you, but you were too wishy washy to make things actually happen and put yourself in at best the friend zone, at worst in just a penpal area.

Well I didn't like her at first, and my schedule was packed, as was hers, but we still did things together during those two months. But I do remember her getting really sick for a week and then a couple weeks later she went to PA for the weekend when we had plans to do something. After that, things started to change, just when i began to have feelings for her.

She never told me why exactly, but I always suspected that it had something to do with her ex. She always told me she hated him and could never forgive him for the things he did, but then she later told me that they still hang out. She never answered if that was the reason, but I could tell that something was up. I always knew when something was wrong with her because she would change the way she spoke or wrote something. For some reason, I feel like I might've been her rebound instead. The funny thing is i think she might like me now, but I really don't care for her.

 

[WillardNation]

I don't have any real advice for you, but holy god can I relate. Meeting the parents has always been the thing that I'm awful at. I can be polite, friendly, intelligent, and respectful. I can even be witty when I need to. But the inherent suspicion that they'll inevitably have that I'm bad news makes it so hard.

Can I blame them? Of course not. I'm dating their baby, and they don't want her to be with some creep. I know that I care about the girl and that I'm (more or less) not a creep. But it's hard for me to function well in situations where there's a grown-up who is waiting for me to screw up. Even if I don't have anything to hide or be ashamed of. The pressure makes it hard for me to impress them.

That is one thing I've been really lucky at. I don't know why, but parents ALWAYS LOVE me. I actually had a friend tell me one time that her parents were really upset that she was dating my friend and not me

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Well I didn't like her at first, and my schedule was packed, as was hers, but we still did things together during those two months. But I do remember her getting really sick for a week and then a couple weeks later she went to PA for the weekend when we had plans to do something. After that, things started to change, just when i began to have feelings for her.

She never told me why exactly, but I always suspected that it had something to do with her ex. She always told me she hated him and could never forgive him for the things he did, but then she later told me that they still hang out. She never answered if that was the reason, but I could tell that something was up. I always knew when something was wrong with her because she would change the way she spoke or wrote something. For some reason, I feel like I might've been her rebound instead. The funny thing is i think she might like me now, but I really don't care for her.

I wonder if the ex had anything to do with my situation also.

Things were going so smoothly in the beginning, but there was one time when we were together that the subject of her ex came up, and she was telling me about how after they found out she was pregnant, she caught him cheating on her like 2 weeks later, and a month later, he completely up and abandoned her. Over the course of the conversation, I noticed she was getting emotional, and started crying. I asked her if she was okay, and she said yes, and denied that she was crying saying she was done crying over him.

That seemed to be the moment when things changed. She got a bit distant the rest of the day, until she finally ended up going to her last class. She avoided me for a couple days, until her birthday came around and her and I started getting close again, but by this point, that's when the emotions hit and her and I were no longer having fun, and now things were about her emotions and me trying to console her. This is when she pulled her first disappearing act, and wouldn't tell me why. Just that something had changed and she wasn't the girl that I met anymore. When she did come back around, she gave me the story about the guys in her past that had mistreated her (cheating on her, physical abuse, etc...), but apologized for how she had been treating me. But immediately after we reconciled, she disappeared on me again, until we finally had a talk and seemed to clear everything up, and seemed to be on good terms again until Facebook became our only form of communication and I finally had to find out what was going on. In which she told me that she wasn't wanting a relationship with anyone for a long time, and I should just move on and let her go, because waiting around for her and I to be together was pointless.

With the things that she said in our final talk (she thought she'd be able to handle a relationship with me eventually, but realized that she can't), and now looking back at the way certain things went down between her and I, I'm wondering if the whole reason why she says she can't be with me is because she's not ever her ex. She talks a big game about being over him, and how she doesn't want him in her life anymore since he's shown no interest in being a part of her or her child's life, and the crying, well after talking to a close friend who had been in a similar situation (single mother at a young age where the father of the child wasn't exactly a prominent or positive figure in her or her child's life), I chalked it up to the fact that being abandoned with a child like that was an experience that really hurt her, more so than her still clinging to him. But now... now I'm wondering if the ex is the emotional factor that's keeping her from allowing herself to embrace her feelings for me. I originally thought she was scared to allow herself to embrace her feelings because she was afraid to be hurt, and just had her guard up. But now I'm wondering if she's just simply not over him.

 

[SpideyVille]

I wonder if the ex had anything to do with my situation also.

Things were going so smoothly in the beginning, but there was one time when we were together that the subject of her ex came up, and she was telling me about how after they found out she was pregnant, she caught him cheating on her like 2 weeks later, and a month later, he completely up and abandoned her. Over the course of the conversation, I noticed she was getting emotional, and started crying. I asked her if she was okay, and she said yes, and denied that she was crying saying she was done crying over him.

That seemed to be the moment when things changed. She got a bit distant the rest of the day, until she finally ended up going to her last class. She avoided me for a couple days, until her birthday came around and her and I started getting close again, but by this point, that's when the emotions hit and her and I were no longer having fun, and now things were about her emotions and me trying to console her. This is when she pulled her first disappearing act, and wouldn't tell me why. Just that something had changed and she wasn't the girl that I met anymore. When she did come back around, she gave me the story about the guys in her past that had mistreated her (cheating on her, physical abuse, etc...), but apologized for how she had been treating me. But immediately after we reconciled, she disappeared on me again, until we finally had a talk and seemed to clear everything up, and seemed to be on good terms again until Facebook became our only form of communication and I finally had to find out what was going on. In which she told me that she wasn't wanting a relationship with anyone for a long time, and I should just move on and let her go, because waiting around for her and I to be together was pointless.

With the things that she said in our final talk (she thought she'd be able to handle a relationship with me eventually, but realized that she can't), and now looking back at the way certain things went down between her and I, I'm wondering if the whole reason why she says she can't be with me is because she's not ever her ex. She talks a big game about being over him, and how she doesn't want him in her life anymore since he's shown no interest in being a part of her or her child's life, and the crying, well after talking to a close friend who had been in a similar situation (single mother at a young age where the father of the child wasn't exactly a prominent or positive figure in her or her child's life), I chalked it up to the fact that being abandoned with a child like that was an experience that really hurt her, more so than her still clinging to him. But now... now I'm wondering if the ex is the emotional factor that's keeping her from allowing herself to embrace her feelings for me. I originally thought she was scared to allow herself to embrace her feelings because she was afraid to be hurt, and just had her guard up. But now I'm wondering if she's just simply not over him.

Yeah, for me I drove myself crazy for a long time trying to figure it out because when we first started talking, she was showing signs of still having feelings for him. I remember her being sad when i met her about losing a "friend" and how she was angry at this " friend" because she lent them $5000 and they never paid her back and didn't plan to. She kept saying she wanted to call that person so bad, but I told her to let it go and forget about it. Then I remember one day we were coming home from some place, and during the ride she mentioned that it was him that she lent the money to, and for some reason, I asked if she had still had feelings deep down. Her response was "I don't .... no." After going back later on to all those messages, I got the feeling that everything she needed help with somehow involved him.

After she disappeared the first time, and came back, I asked her out to a movie. She agreed, but only after I said I'd pay her way (even though I didn't have a job and she was always telling me how she had a lot of money from her job). But there was something about her tone that I knew something was up. Usually we would meet up somewhere and head to the city together, but she wanted to just meet at the theater. At that point, I was starting to get fed up with her, so I considered standing her up, and not even showing up. But I ended up showing up right before the movie was supposed to start, and I told her I couldn't afford it, so we decided to walk around and talk for a while. That was the day she told me all about her ex, what he did to her, how they hooked up, and how she was actually going to his house that night. We spoke, and afterward she was all clingy to me, acting like we were going to be together soon, but by the end of the week, she was back at it with the disappearance.

I ended up messing it up in the end because I was fed up with everything already. There was a point in between there where my sister-in-law messaged her on facebook saying I liked her and wanted to get serious, without my knowledge, and the girl replied she wasn't ready for anything yet, but wanted to keep getting to know me. I played it off like I never found out, but still deep inside I knew it needed to stop. She would tell me she cared about me and that I was important to her, but she wasn't making an effort to communicate so things blew up. I just hated how I would see her writing on her ex's wall and stuff, yet she would ignore my posts and messages. It showed me that she was probably just using me to help herself feel better.

 

[ComicChick]

lots of long posts on this page

 

[Anubis]

Yeah, I can't be arsed to read them either.

So, general advice. Stop putting chicks on pedestals, be clear about your intentions from the get go, and most importantly, quit being a wussy.

 

[Erzengel]

I think when guys stop overanalyzing a situation with a woman and go in with a nothing to lose mentality, that's when things start working out. And to all those, "Well I don't want to ruin our friendship." Just stop. And if things don't work out move on to the next. Which can be applied to while you are in the dating process. She giving you the runaround move on and stop stressing about it.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

I just looked back at how long the posts are in this thread, and i am seriously like this in real life, if this thread was a psychiatrists office, Spideyville, Neil and I would be paying through the nose.

and there was some good advice posted in the last couple of concise posts there. I can tend to overanalyze things to the point where I can tie myself up in nonsense knots, and I also think I can maybe put certain women on a pedastal, so to speak. So I guess I should watch out for that, have the strong feelings, respect them, love them, enjoy their company, but remember not to go too la la in the way of that, cause you are removing some of the human if you turn them into 'gods' in your mind, it's childish, your feelings can get out of control if you're not that experienced.

ok, kept it as concise as i could, lol.

 

[The Squirrel]

For those of you in relationships or have been in one, do you tell people your relationship right away, or do you mention it later on, and why?

I would be pretty open about telling people I was in a relationship, but on the other hand I'm still waiting for one of my friends to tell me that she got married.

 

[Anubis]

If you tell them....then they might not f**k you.