Return of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[WillardNation]

I just put this in the 'Confession Thread' but it's probably more suited here:

It's really hard for me to like a woman after sleeping with her. I've been seeing a girl recently and she's an amazing person but even still, after we slept together I can't help but think, "Ok, you can go now."

I can think of only one girl I've still liked after we had sex and I think that was partly because she made me work for it for months. I'm trying really hard to not be like that right now because, like I said, the girl I'm seeing is really nice.

There are a million different possible reasons why it happens running through my head but I think the most probable answer is that I'm just terrified of commitment. I'm so used to being single and doing whatever I want that the alternative is something unknown and frightening to me.

I've talked to a couple guy friends and they say they have the same thing. Which makes me also think that I'm just one of those guys (like said friends) that just aren't made for relationships.

 

[Erzengel]

Do I think there are guys out there who just can't do relationships, yes. But I'm sure you'll meet a lot of girls from now until your 40s. But, unless you're keeping yourself in fit condition from then on in, or you're a celebrity, the pickings won't be as generous.

I mean you're 25 right now, it's not unheard of to be single at this age. Just look at some of the people on SHH. Hiyo.....

But seriously, I say just take each relationship as it comes. However, I couldn't help but notice, the most recent girl you slept with. She's amazing. She seems really nice. But it doesn't sound like you reached a deep connection with her or "love her". Maybe you should try reaching a connection like that before you take that next step and see what happens.

I mean if still can't make it work with women and this is going on into your early 30s maybe you might consider some sort of therapy.

 

[Harls]

But it doesn't sound like you reached a deep connection with her or "love her". Maybe you should try reaching a connection like that before you take that next step and see what happens.

You said you liked a girl that made you work at it for a while, so maybe if you wait a little longer you'll find you like her more?

 

[AndThePickles]

I just put this in the 'Confession Thread' but it's probably more suited here:

It's really hard for me to like a woman after sleeping with her. I've been seeing a girl recently and she's an amazing person but even still, after we slept together I can't help but think, "Ok, you can go now."

I can think of only one girl I've still liked after we had sex and I think that was partly because she made me work for it for months. I'm trying really hard to not be like that right now because, like I said, the girl I'm seeing is really nice.

There are a million different possible reasons why it happens running through my head but I think the most probable answer is that I'm just terrified of commitment. I'm so used to being single and doing whatever I want that the alternative is something unknown and frightening to me.

I've talked to a couple guy friends and they say they have the same thing. Which makes me also think that I'm just one of those guys (like said friends) that just aren't made for relationships.

Sounds like you're sleeping with them too early.

 

[steintym]

I just put this in the 'Confession Thread' but it's probably more suited here:

It's really hard for me to like a woman after sleeping with her. I've been seeing a girl recently and she's an amazing person but even still, after we slept together I can't help but think, "Ok, you can go now."

Don't over think it or beat yourself too much. Honestly, I think this is a pretty normal "guy thing".

As long as your not a raving a** after, it's probably a pretty common response.

 

[SpideyVille]

Sounds like Barney Stinson.

 

[AndThePickles]

I've talked to a couple guy friends and they say they have the same thing. Which makes me also think that I'm just one of those guys (like said friends) that just aren't *READY for relationships.

Also, changing a key word here.

 

[ComicChick]

so apparently everyone is trying to hook me up with their brother, son, friend, etc lately.

oy vey.

 

[Anubis]

I just put this in the 'Confession Thread' but it's probably more suited here:

It's really hard for me to like a woman after sleeping with her. I've been seeing a girl recently and she's an amazing person but even still, after we slept together I can't help but think, "Ok, you can go now."

I can think of only one girl I've still liked after we had sex and I think that was partly because she made me work for it for months. I'm trying really hard to not be like that right now because, like I said, the girl I'm seeing is really nice.

There are a million different possible reasons why it happens running through my head but I think the most probable answer is that I'm just terrified of commitment. I'm so used to being single and doing whatever I want that the alternative is something unknown and frightening to me.

I've talked to a couple guy friends and they say they have the same thing. Which makes me also think that I'm just one of those guys (like said friends) that just aren't made for relationships.

Subconsciously, it's because you hate yourself.

I mean they slept with you. Clearly there's something wrong with them.

 

[WillardNation]

Thanks guys, all very good points. And yeah, I actually did kind of want to put off sleeping with her so this wouldn't happen but at the same time, I'm a guy

To update, she actually texted me a few minutes ago asking if she was bugging me cuz I was acting different the past couple of days.
My reply: "Not at all. To be perfectly honest, getting close to someone, like we're starting to do, is not that common with me. Like, at all, and it's just kind of scary lol".
Her reply to that: "I get that. Thanks for being honest. I can't tell you not to be scared. If you need space or something is bothering you, just tell me. I'll totally understand. Not that it is... Just saying. We are relaxed and having fun I'm totally cool with it. So just let me know "

That exchange just further shows how cool she is and makes me wanna try to get past this whole mental thing.

Subconsciously, it's because you hate yourself.

I mean they slept with you. Clearly there's something wrong with them.

That actually was one of the things that crossed my mind. lol

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Yeah, I can't be arsed to read them either.

So, general advice. Stop putting chicks on pedestals, be clear about your intentions from the get go, and most importantly, quit being a wussy.

Yeah, this is the best advice really. I was like that when I started dating, never wanting to come on too strong, be casual and respectful, it was actually just being a wussy. Once I stopped doing that and made the necessary moves early, things worked out much better. If you haven't made some sort of romantic physical contact, holding her hand, putting your arm around her, kissing her by date two, don't expect a date three.

Thanks guys, all very good points. And yeah, I actually did kind of want to put off sleeping with her so this wouldn't happen but at the same time, I'm a guy

To update, she actually texted me a few minutes ago asking if she was bugging me cuz I was acting different the past couple of days.
My reply: "Not at all. To be perfectly honest, getting close to someone, like we're starting to do, is not that common with me. Like, at all, and it's just kind of scary lol".
Her reply to that: "I get that. Thanks for being honest. I can't tell you not to be scared. If you need space or something is bothering you, just tell me. I'll totally understand. Not that it is... Just saying. We are relaxed and having fun I'm totally cool with it. So just let me know "

That exchange just further shows how cool she is and makes me wanna try to get past this whole mental thing.

That actually was one of the things that crossed my mind. lol

Maybe you should actually talk to the girl about some of this stuff, that's way too heavy for a text message. Also you might want to stick around, in my experience the sex only gets better the more you have it with the same person as you learn more and more what the other likes.

 

[steintym]

Definitely gets better the more you ... um ... enjoy one another. Once a certain comfort level with one another is reached, that's when the freaky stuff starts to happen.




Of course, every once in awhile you run into a firecracker that starts off with freaky stuff t: ... use caution with those.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah, this is the best advice really. I was like that when I started dating, never wanting to come on too strong, be casual and respectful, it was actually just being a wussy. Once I stopped doing that and made the necessary moves early, things worked out much better. If you haven't made some sort of romantic physical contact, holding her hand, putting your arm around her, kissing her by date two, don't expect a date three.

This may sound stupid, but how do you know exactly when a date is a date as opposed to two friends just hanging out or doing something together?

 

[Erzengel]

This may sound stupid, but how do you know exactly when a date is a date as opposed to two friends just hanging out or doing something together?

Well if you're punching them in the shoulder saying you had a good time, it's probably just hanging out.

I think what some people's problems are they tend to assume a get together is a date when it's just 2 friends hanging out. How you're sure it's a date is by calling it such when you are asking someone out.

 

[SpideyVille]

Well if you're punching them in the shoulder saying you had a good time, it's probably just hanging out.

I think what some people's problems are they tend to assume a get together is a date when it's just 2 friends hanging out. How you're sure it's a date is by calling it such when you are asking someone out.

That's how I've felt. Like, there should be some kind of mutual agreement that it's a date. Like I remember the first time I ever really asked a girl to go do something was my first semester in college. This girl knew I liked her, and based on her friend's playful banter with me, it seemed like she liked me too. So one day I finally asked her if she wanted to do something after class, and we did. We went out to a pizza shop, ate and talked, and then walked around for a while. But it didn't feel like a date because neither of us really felt like it was. But yet, I feel like its a lot harder to ask a girl out on a "date" than it is to ask her if she wants to go do something over the weekend.

For some reason, I'm starting to remind myself of that episode of Doug, where he goes to see a movie with Patti and he keeps telling himself that it's not a date, only to realize it was at the end of the end of the night.

 

[Erzengel]

Once you unzip your pants, they'll figure out it's a date quick enough.

 

[Anita18]

To update, she actually texted me a few minutes ago asking if she was bugging me cuz I was acting different the past couple of days.
My reply: "Not at all. To be perfectly honest, getting close to someone, like we're starting to do, is not that common with me. Like, at all, and it's just kind of scary lol".
Her reply to that: "I get that. Thanks for being honest. I can't tell you not to be scared. If you need space or something is bothering you, just tell me. I'll totally understand. Not that it is... Just saying. We are relaxed and having fun I'm totally cool with it. So just let me know "

That exchange just further shows how cool she is and makes me wanna try to get past this whole mental thing.

She sounds cool. In fact that's how my bf talks to me. Super-honest and I trust him with everything.

Sounds like you're sleeping with them too early.

I agree. I think you're still in "sowing your wild oats" mode and you haven't quite worked out what would happen if your actual brain wanted to stay with a woman while your lower brain was ready for another. The fact that you're acknowledging there's a disconnect is a good step. I think it's a good time to be patient, especially since she's letting you have some space and figure stuff out.

 

[JStorm]

so apparently everyone is trying to hook me up with their brother, son, friend, etc lately.

oy vey.

I hate that too, CC.

It seems odd that I have to explain to ADULTS the possible outcomes of said scenarios.

"But why won't you just take her out, JS?"

Here's the thing. Thanks for thinking of me; thanks for taking the time, but if I were to do so, and things didn't work out, what happens the next time we all get together - you guys will have to play 'musical friends' and invite one and not the other.

"That's a negative way of looking at it."

Sure is. But this isn't some co-workers cousin you are trying to hook me up with. I've seen this girl at BBQ's and gathering, and parties for quite some time. Here's another point. . don't you think we would have come to that conclusion on our own by now?

"Ok. . how about I just tell you the truth. . she'll **** you on the first date."



True story.

 

[Erzengel]

"Ok. . how about I just tell you the truth. . she'll **** you on the first date."

And that son, is how mommy and daddy first got together.

 

[JStorm]

And that son, is how mommy and daddy first got together.

I didn't do it.

 

[Gunga Diner]

I've been texting this girl every day for about two months. We like eachother quite a bit, we're going out soon. I've asked her out, I just need to get some license stuff cleared up. But when we go a while without her responding to a text, my initial instinct is that she's mad at me. Which is completely irrational and a piece of self-manufactured paranoia, because she's reasonable and isn't easily offended. And if she were offended, she would tell me straight-up. But for whatever reason, I'm always paranoid that something is a sign of her not liking me.

I understand that it's my own problem that's irrelevant of her, but I don't know what causes it. Is it that I hold her opinion of me highly? Or does it come from a past relationship? I don't know at all.

 

[steintym]

Pick up the phone and talk to the girl instead of just texting. It will leave less open to interpretation. Waiting around for text messages might not be the best way express your interest.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

That's how I've felt. Like, there should be some kind of mutual agreement that it's a date. Like I remember the first time I ever really asked a girl to go do something was my first semester in college. This girl knew I liked her, and based on her friend's playful banter with me, it seemed like she liked me too. So one day I finally asked her if she wanted to do something after class, and we did. We went out to a pizza shop, ate and talked, and then walked around for a while. But it didn't feel like a date because neither of us really felt like it was. But yet, I feel like its a lot harder to ask a girl out on a "date" than it is to ask her if she wants to go do something over the weekend.

For some reason, I'm starting to remind myself of that episode of Doug, where he goes to see a movie with Patti and he keeps telling himself that it's not a date, only to realize it was at the end of the end of the night.

It's all in the delivery/asked out part in my mind. You have to ask her out to something specific. Say "Do you want to go out to dinner/drinks/the movies on Friday/Saturday?" Never say do you want to hang out, friends hang out, never add "or something" or "do something", it's needs to be specific. Also while on the date, you need to flirt with her and watch for the body language signs, is she leaning in closer to you? Playing with her hair? Finding reasons to lightly touch you? Alot of it is little things especially in the asking, a difference of one word can completely change whether it's a date or just friends hanging out. Also, you shouldn't spend too much time getting to know the girl before asking her out, that's what the date is for.

 

[Gunga Diner]

Pick up the phone and talk to the girl instead of just texting. It will leave less open to interpretation. Waiting around for text messages might not be the best way express your interest.

I am this girl's second boyfriend. She never got past holding hands with the last. She's 17, I'm 18. I'm not trying to push my luck. When and if I'll call her is something I'm gonna have to talk out with her.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I am this girl's second boyfriend. She never got past holding hands with the last. She's 17, I'm 18. I'm not trying to push my luck. When and if I'll call her is something I'm gonna have to talk out with her.

If you haven't even talked to her on the phone, let alone gone out with her in person, you are not her boyfriend. Right now you're a pen pal. Be a man, call her, maybe it'll help her come out of her shell a little, seeing a guy with confidence.