Return of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[steintym]

If you haven't even talked to her on the phone, let alone gone out with her in person, you are not her boyfriend. Right now you're a pen pal. Be a man, call her, maybe it'll help her come out of her shell a little, seeing a guy with confidence.

I agree with everything you wrote.

Too easy to hide behind texting. Give the girl a call.

 

[Gunga Diner]

I'll grant you the point about referring to myself as her boyfriend, given that we haven't gone on a date yet, but we're going to. I asked her out and she said yes.

I want to call her. I really do. But this girl has some anxiety issues and I feel like calling her for the very first time without notice would be bad news. There have been several situations where she's had a bad day and I ask "Is this my cue to call you?" to which she says no.

 

[steintym]

Don't call her without notice and don't try and set it up on at a time when she's having a bad day.

Randomly shoot her a text and ask if you can actually chat (that night, the next day, whatever). Don't have any other motive other than to talk and get to know one another better.

I might sound like an old fart, but I think texting is a horrible way to start a relationship and get to know someone.

 

[AndThePickles]

No wonder teens have trouble dating these days...there's problems with just calling someone on the phone, now? I remember when that was how everyone communicated ALL of the time

 

[steintym]

No wonder teens have trouble dating these days...there's problems with just calling someone on the phone, now? I remember when that was how everyone communicated ALL of the time

Talking on the phone was considered the easy way out when I was in highschool. I remember catching grief because I was nervous to talk to a girl ... face to face.

Now everyone hides behind texting, facebook, email, etc. And this isn't limited to teens ... My wife's sister and another good friend pull the same stuff and they're approaching 40.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Well, it's been a week and I'm doing ok for the most part. Still feel like a *****. And it doesn't help that he didn't even react whatsoever to it. His friends say he seems just like normal, nothing on his Facebook (he hasn't even removed me or changed his relationship status). I'm starting to think this whole relationship thing isn't for me. I've tried it 3 times now, albeit long-distance, and all 3 times didn't last. So maybe I should stop looking for Mr. Right and look for Mr. Right Now. Just deal with things like guys do. Slam, bam, thank you ma'am, and nothing the morning after. Because apparently that's the only way you'll get any sort of satisfaction with the opposite sex.

 

[Hound55]

"Can't do it... I give up..." is an attitude that will not get you very far in life...

 

[Anita18]

Well, it's been a week and I'm doing ok for the most part. Still feel like a *****. And it doesn't help that he didn't even react whatsoever to it. His friends say he seems just like normal, nothing on his Facebook (he hasn't even removed me or changed his relationship status). I'm starting to think this whole relationship thing isn't for me. I've tried it 3 times now, albeit long-distance, and all 3 times didn't last. So maybe I should stop looking for Mr. Right and look for Mr. Right Now. Just deal with things like guys do. Slam, bam, thank you ma'am, and nothing the morning after. Because apparently that's the only way you'll get any sort of satisfaction with the opposite sex.

That's the thing. Have you ever met with your long-distance bfs in person? I don't think it really can be a relationship if you don't know how you'd jive physically, or even in-person. Chemistry is a completely different thing when you're actually together vs flirting online.

 

[Anubis]

Jesus Christ, try getting with somebody that you can actually f**king see every once in awhile.

WTFM

I think it's true what they say. The technology age is destroying peoples ability to actually communicate in person.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

That's the thing. Have you ever met with your long-distance bfs in person? I don't think it really can be a relationship if you don't know how you'd jive physically, or even in-person. Chemistry is a completely different thing when you're actually together vs flirting online.

No. Whether it's money issues or cowardice, none of them have visited.

Jesus Christ, try getting with somebody that you actually f**king see.

No, really? No ****, Sherlock. It's not like I've been making attempts since I first started liking boys and no one has bit except online or anything.

 

[Harls]

Maybe that's the problem, Angel Faerie Try meeting people near you and flirting with people you like in real life. It might turn out differently this time.

 

[Anubis]

And how do you go about attempting to catch these boys?

 

[Angel_Faerie]

And how do you go about attempting to catch these boys?

I talk to them, get to know them, and after we know each other well enough, and I find that I like the guy, like after 2-3 months or more, I make my move. And every time. Not exaggerating. EVERY. TIME. I've gotten the "just friends" speech.

 

[Hound55]

And how do you go about attempting to catch these boys?

 

[Anita18]

No. Whether it's money issues or cowardice, none of them have visited.

No, really? No ****, Sherlock. It's not like I've been making attempts since I first started liking boys and no one has bit except online or anything.

Well cowardice I personally wouldn't find very attractive to begin with. And cowardice of...what exactly? If they're not going to visit you because they're afraid of meeting you in person, then the entire "relationship" is a sham, IMO. I would have just cut the whole thing off then and not wasted my time further.

It took me 6 years to find myself another relationship and it was through online dating because I am too ugly for anyone in my immediate physical area. But the thing is that he only lived an hour's drive away and had no problem making the trip to visit me every weekend. (I mean, he usually drove out here anyway to get out of his podunk-town. ) I'm not talking plane-distance here.

 

[Hound55]

I talk to them, get to know them, and after we know each other well enough, and I find that I like the guy, like after 2-3 months or more, I make my move. And every time. Not exaggerating. EVERY. TIME. I've gotten the "just friends" speech.

Too long. Far too long.

 

[Anubis]

 

[AndThePickles]

Well, it's been a week and I'm doing ok for the most part. Still feel like a *****. And it doesn't help that he didn't even react whatsoever to it. His friends say he seems just like normal, nothing on his Facebook (he hasn't even removed me or changed his relationship status). I'm starting to think this whole relationship thing isn't for me. I've tried it 3 times now, albeit long-distance, and all 3 times didn't last. So maybe I should stop looking for Mr. Right and look for Mr. Right Now. Just deal with things like guys do. Slam, bam, thank you ma'am, and nothing the morning after. Because apparently that's the only way you'll get any sort of satisfaction with the opposite sex.

That's the thing. Have you ever met with your long-distance bfs in person? I don't think it really can be a relationship if you don't know how you'd jive physically, or even in-person. Chemistry is a completely different thing when you're actually together vs flirting online.

I agree with Anita. I'm sorry Angel, and I don't say this to be mean, but you CANNOT say you don't think the whole relationship thing isn't for you until you have been in a real relationship.

You are in control of your life. You know that these online flirting/friendships bring nothing but trouble - so stop wasting your time with them. Once you date someone in real life, I promise you that you will understand what all of us mean when we tell you time and time again that relationships mean dating in-person.

However, you have to want this for yourself. And I don't mean by thinking wistfully to yourself about why you don't have a real life boyfriend. I used to be one of those girls! I'd sit around feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't dating anyone when I was in high school, and I never understood why I couldn't get a date. I wasn't confident, and people can tell when you pity yourself and don't believe in yourself - it's a big turn off to men and even to potential friends. Now that I am past that stage in my life, I realize that I was in my own way. Feeling bad about things doesn't solve anything. Know that you are good enough to deserve a great relationship, in real life, and get out there and make it happen.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Well cowardice I personally wouldn't find very attractive to begin with. And cowardice of...what exactly? If they're not going to visit you because they're afraid of meeting you in person, then the entire "relationship" is a sham, IMO. I would have just cut the whole thing off then and not wasted my time further.

It took me 6 years to find myself another relationship and it was through online dating because I am too ugly for anyone in my immediate physical area. But the thing is that he only lived an hour's drive away and had no problem making the trip to visit me every weekend. (I mean, he usually drove out here anyway to get out of his podunk-town. ) I'm not talking plane-distance here.

My first boyfriend was going to visit, saved up the money to fly here, and *****ed out at the last minute. Spent the money on a tattoo instead. I'm not as angry about that as I used to be, but it still irks me a little bit. He's on this forum, too, and I give him hell about it any time I see him.

Too long. Far too long.

I don't want to freak the guy out by doing something too fast. Because I've tried to move faster approach (like after a week or so) and the guy ended up avoiding/ignoring me afterword.

 

[Anubis]

I talk to them, get to know them, and after we know each other well enough, and I find that I like the guy, like after 2-3 months or more, I make my move. And every time. Not exaggerating. EVERY. TIME. I've gotten the "just friends" speech.

Too long. Far too long.

There's your answer.

I'm not saying you should ****e it up or nothing, but you gotta give a guy a little something to let him know you actually like him. 2 to 3 months is when guys start realizing that this isn't going anywhere and they're just gonna cut their loses.

It'll be okay sweet heart. You can't just give up.

 

[steintym]

Too long. Far too long.

I have to agree ... Waiting 2-3 months to make a move? Those guys have already filed you under "friend" by that point.

 

[AndThePickles]

My first boyfriend was going to visit, saved up the money to fly here, and *****ed out at the last minute. Spent the money on a tattoo instead. I'm not as angry about that as I used to be, but it still irks me a little bit. He's on this forum, too, and I give him hell about it any time I see him.

Sweetie, you can do so much better than chatting up people like ETM, who from what I've seen, may possibly be asexual. You're doing yourself a disservice by just going for who expresses interest, even if it's only online. You deserve better.

I have a question - have you allowed yourself to just enjoy the fact that you're single? Go out with girlfriends and have fun? Surprisingly, that is usually the easiest way to get a date...when you stop worrying so much and just start having fun, the men will come to you. Don't worry about getting into a relationship right away. Let somebody take you out for a nice date. If you don't have a fantastic time, don't try to make it work, move on to the next one. Casual dating can be so much fun.

 

[Anita18]

However, you have to want this for yourself. And I don't mean by thinking wistfully to yourself about why you don't have a real life boyfriend. I used to be one of those girls! I'd sit around feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't dating anyone when I was in high school, and I never understood why I couldn't get a date. I wasn't confident, and people can tell when you pity yourself and don't believe in yourself - it's a big turn off to men and even to potential friends. Now that I am past that stage in my life, I realize that I was in my own way. Feeling bad about things doesn't solve anything. Know that you are good enough to deserve a great relationship, in real life, and get out there and make it happen.

It's not even as easy as "be more confident and then you'll get a bf." Because I have some friends who are awesome, confident, capable people and they're still single. Sometimes you just don't meet someone you jive well with. (Or if you're a hermit like me, opportunity is an issue.)

But yeah, dripping with desperation isn't a good look, unless you want to attract stalkers.

I have to agree ... Waiting 2-3 months to make a move? Those guys have already filed you under "friend" by that point.

I think the same has been said here when it comes to guys being in a girl's friend file.

 

[Anita18]

Sweetie, you can do so much better than chatting up people like ETM, who from what I've seen, may possibly be asexual. You're doing yourself a disservice by just going for who expresses interest, even if it's only online. You deserve better.

I have a question - have you allowed yourself to just enjoy the fact that you're single? Go out with girlfriends and have fun? Surprisingly, that is usually the easiest way to get a date...when you stop worrying so much and just start having fun, the men will come to you. Don't worry about getting into a relationship right away. Let somebody take you out for a nice date. If you don't have a fantastic time, don't try to make it work, move on to the next one. Casual dating can be so much fun.

ETM? Really?

And casual dating CAN be fun...if you're an extrovert and love meeting new people. For me it was downright exhausting. When I was doing the online dating thing, it was one date every few weeks! I'd check PlentyofFish once every two weeks to see if there was anyone new. That was my limit.

Still, relaxing about the whole process is definitely the way to go, even if you don't have men coming to you. ATP, you must be a whole lot more attractive than I am because I've never had guys coming to me no matter what I did! (So I feel the need to temper the excitement a bit ) But having fun is fun no matter what the outcome is.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Sweetie, you can do so much better than chatting up people like ETM, who from what I've seen, may possibly be asexual. You're doing yourself a disservice by just going for who expresses interest, even if it's only online. You deserve better.

I have a question - have you allowed yourself to just enjoy the fact that you're single? Go out with girlfriends and have fun? Surprisingly, that is usually the easiest way to get a date...when you stop worrying so much and just start having fun, the men will come to you. Don't worry about getting into a relationship right away. Let somebody take you out for a nice date. If you don't have a fantastic time, don't try to make it work, move on to the next one. Casual dating can be so much fun.

I go for those who express interest because it's so rare. The guys here don't usually so much as glance my way unless I'm actively talking to them (though my mom persists that she's seen guys check me out. I doubt it). I'm not saying I'm a dog or anything (though I have suspected sometimes that I don't get anything because I'm ugly), I'm just saying I'm no supermodel and not the type guys would be checking out.

I haven't ever really just enjoyed being single because I'm terrified of being an old maid with 30,000 cats. People from my graduating class (2009) are getting married and having kids, including several of my friends. It makes me worry that something's wrong with me because they're starting families at 19-20 when I've not so much as had a proper date. I'm not saying I want a husband and kids now, I'd rather have them at 25-26. But I'm feeling the pressure. I had a feeling of seeing my future at my friend Whitni's reception: wedding, after wedding, after wedding, not a single one of them mine.