Return of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[chapin]

Well then de-tag it then.

Yes I understand that's it's pandering. But sometimes, it's okay to lose a battle to win a war type mentality is what keeps some relationships going.

You can't draw a line in the sand over EVERY issue.

you are right, thanks man

 

[Hound55]

Yeah, I should have included a disclaimer or something there...

Chapin, I know less than nothing about women and everything I have figured out is either wrong or was gained by attrition...

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I guess what I'm really asking here is, what is a relationship supposed to be. And for those of you who have been in long relationship or are still in one, what has made it last so long? Heck, what mad it start? Was it a case of one person trying to win the heart of the other, or was there some kind of mutual thing were the "sparks were flying" right away?

My relationship for me is just being with my best friend, which is what my girlfriend is. We've been together for almost a year and a half now and things have been great, we just have a lot of fun together. We met on eHarmony, I was a little burnt out on trying to meet girls and was planning on taking a break from dating, but had three girls on eHarmony where I was at the point where I'd go out with them, if none worked out, so be it, no big deal. My girlfriend was the second of the three and we instantly just clicked, it was the "sparks flying" or chemistry thing people talk about, we were similar in many aspects and just had a great time. I cancelled plans for a weekend road trip for our second date that weekend and things just got better and better since then.

It's hard work, and what people don't realize, not for everybody.

I agree with Anita, it shouldn't seem like hard work, it can be, but it sure doesn't feel like it for me right now.

 

[steintym]

My wife and I met through hanging out with mutual friends. We pretty much hit off from the start - A lot of similar interests, values, outlooks, etc. We absolutely enjoyed hanging out with each other and it just evolved from there. Today, I still feel that she is my best friend and we love being with each other.

There are definitely challenging days, but the good outshines the bad. For the most part, we still have a lot of fun together.

 

[LOBO3315a]

I think most long relationships are the result of 2 people realizing no one else will put up with their bull.

In all seriousness I do think true, unconditional, nonfamilal love exists. The problem is that it never lasts long and is rarely reciprocated. That's where factors like mutual interests, respect and compatability will determine if a relationship lasts a few weeks or a lifetime.

 

[Anita18]

That's an insecure girlfriend you have right there.

Now if this other girl wasn't even a girlfriend ever, then she really doesn't have anything to complain about.

But, I don't think it's out of the question to concede things. If you need to delete the photo to keep the peace, I'd consider doing it but telling her, I deleted the picture even though I didn't think it was a big deal and then just drop the issue.

If this issue of trust comes up again, THEN I think it's time to have a talk with her.

Yeah, I'll say. Disrespecting her because someone else put up a photo of you with another girl? Yeesh.

Well then de-tag it then.

Yes I understand that's it's pandering. But sometimes, it's okay to lose a battle to win a war type mentality is what keeps some relationships going.

You can't draw a line in the sand over EVERY issue.

I agree to that as well. But the background of that is still bothersome, for sure.

My bf has this THING about his photo being up on Facebook. It can't be him doing anything anyone can interpret as embarrassing (ie, photos where he's doing anything fun), which was disappointing because my sister got a shot of us making funny faces at the camera and it's probably the cutest picture that exists of both of us. He wanted it taken down because he didn't want any potential employers to see him making funny faces. He was all mad about it too until I got my sister to take it down.

My attitude was that, he no longer wants to work in a stuffy aerospace company, he wants to work at a game company where I'd hope they'd want to find fun people who act like humans. But whatever, maybe he'll learn that bit in time. In the meantime, I should get my sister to send me that photo so at least I'll have it.

But yeah, that situation isn't quite the same as chapin's situation. If my bf wants to be uptight, that's his prerogative and doesn't have anything to do with me.

 

[SpideyVille]

I think most long relationships are the result of 2 people realizing no one else will put up with their bull.

I think that was the case with my mom. She was never married, but she had 2 kids with some guy that walked out on her a couple years later. Then 10 years later she had me with my dad, and he walked on her a year later. Then when I was 4, she got with this guy and they were together for 16 years, up until the summer a couple of years ago. She took it hard and she still hasnt really gotten over it, and i think for the most part its because she older now, in her 50s, and she's not very social or accepting of people, so she realizes that she might end up alone at this point.

The thing is, from all I could remember growing up, she would always argue with this guy about everything, and even though he was a nice guy and helped her out a lot, especially with me and my brother and sister, she drove him crazy. Yet somehow they made it last, even though she lived in her own place and only stood with him during the weekend and on holidays/vacations. The only reason they broke up was because he had a family in another country, that my mom knew about from the start, and his kids finally came to live with him, and they didn't want him seeing my mom anymore.

Even now, 2 years later, she still talks about how great things were with him and how he used to help her, but i still question if there was really any love there, or if it was just a case of staying together because the thought of being alone was too frightening.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Even now, 2 years later, she still talks about how great things were with him and how he used to help her, but i still question if there was really any love there, or if it was just a case of staying together because the thought of being alone was too frightening.

Yeah, I guess that is true of some couples(I'm not talking about your mum here, not hazarding a guess, just speaking generally), that they will stay together more out of a fear of being alone, rather than any kind of romantic love, or even compatibility.

Speaking for myself, I don't think I am frightened of being alone, but I am frightened of missing out on a chance at the real thing, because it does exist.
I am very used to being on my own, that is all i know really, but I am not afraid of giving up my independance in sacrifice of something greater. I read someone posting on here saying he is used to 'doing things when he wanted', and was afraid of giving that kind of thing up. Well, i am not afraid of that at all.
And that's the thing, I think I could be quite comfortable by myself, reasonably anyway, I might not be outright happy, but I don't think I would be totally miserable.
That's why I think I need it to be the real thing, I couldn't marry out of fear, I couldn't fake it. I would be thinking to myself, 'maybe they are meant to be with someone else, and maybe I am too.' I don't think I would want to give up my independance for anything other than real love.
So, the only thing I am afraid of is losing out on the real thing, and that is not a fear I am ashamed to admit, that is a healthy fear, because it means that you are willing to fight for it no matter what or who tries to get in your way.

 

[Erzengel]

As long as you just never sit on your hands waiting for opportunity. There was a thread about dating or something a while ago, and quite a few posters were like, "I'm not ready for a relationship." Which is fine, relationships do monopolize a large portion of your life, but some of the excuses, just seemed like they were too afraid to be in one.

I was really shy when I was in high school and early college, I always thought being the friend and thought trinkets of devotion were the way to go. LOL. If I had any advice to ever give about relationships is just plug away, ask out everyone and your mother and let rejection just fall right off you.

 

[Anubis]

My relationship for me is just being with my best friend, which is what my girlfriend is. We've been together for almost a year and a half now and things have been great, we just have a lot of fun together. We met on eHarmony, I was a little burnt out on trying to meet girls and was planning on taking a break from dating, but had three girls on eHarmony where I was at the point where I'd go out with them, if none worked out, so be it, no big deal. My girlfriend was the second of the three and we instantly just clicked, it was the "sparks flying" or chemistry thing people talk about, we were similar in many aspects and just had a great time. I cancelled plans for a weekend road trip for our second date that weekend and things just got better and better since then.



I agree with Anita, it shouldn't seem like hard work, it can be, but it sure doesn't feel like it for me right now.

Yeah, right now. Lets see how you both feel after about 10 years in.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Yeah, marriage was instituted when people didn't live much beyond 40. By the time you started to get sick of the other person, it was the end of your life anyways. Now with lifespans on average reaching twice that coupled with today's attitude of disposable marriages, I think the whole concept is 1/2 step away from the dumpster.

Not that I advocate staying in a bad or loveless marriage. I just think people need to make better choices on who they marry. I mean we have a TV show dedicated to 1 guy/girl choosing out of 50 others who they are going to get engaged to. How the heck is that responsible?

 

[Erzengel]

I think what also adds to the high divorce rate is because we do live in such a "disposable" and "live for the now" society. There's no risk in marriage because you can always get divorced. It's easier than it was years ago AND it's not looked down upon.

I do agree that too many people jump into marriage without thinking but I think many others divorce because they aren't willing to work at being married.

I understand that people are capable of changing and the person you marry 5 or 10 or longer years ago may not be the person you are with now. There are always exceptions. I've known so many couples who just seemed so in love and one day out of the blue, it's "they say they love me but aren't in love with me anymore".

 

[Anubis]

Yup. It's hard work. At some point, you're gonna have to make that person fall in love with you all over again, or you're gonna have to find out what it was that made you fall in love with them. You gotta be considerate, compromise, put up with some bulls**t and realize whether or not you're making the other person put up with too much of your bulls**t. Talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and f**king talk some more. Put up with family, money problems, and ugh, f**king children.

It's hard work. Rewarding? Sure. But don't go in thinking it's gonna be easy.

 

[Anubis]

Donkey Punching can lead to a prolapsed colon.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yup. It's hard work. At some point, you're gonna have to make that person fall in love with you all over again, or you're gonna have to find out what it was that made you fall in love with them. You gotta be considerate, compromise, put up with some bulls**t and realize whether or not you're making the other person put up with too much of your bulls**t. Talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and f**king talk some more. Put up with family, money problems, and ugh, f**king children.

It's hard work. Rewarding? Sure. But don't go in thinking it's gonna be easy.

It's like when people say its hard enough to just get the guy/girl, but even harder to keep them once you're in the relationship. And marriage is no different, especially nowadays where divorce is common and, as Erz said, is not looked down upon as much as it used to. I'd say its a work in both giving them reasons to fall for you in the beginning, and then giving them more reasons to not leave you later on.

 

[Anita18]

It's like when people say its hard enough to just get the guy/girl, but even harder to keep them once you're in the relationship. And marriage is no different, especially nowadays where divorce is common and, as Erz said, is not looked down upon as much as it used to. I'd say its a work in both giving them reasons to fall for you in the beginning, and then giving them more reasons to not leave you later on.

One of our new grad students is married and has a uber-old-fashioned, Catholic aunt. Every time she sees this aunt, the aunt's always harping about how she should "take care of herself" (ie, lose weight and always have makeup on and her hair done) because "think of your husband!"

Another grad student was like, "Hey, isn't she Catholic? They don't believe in divorce! You're already married so he's stuck with you!" We believe in low standards - if you're dressed up all the time it's hard to keep that up, but if you're always casual, when you DO dress up you'll be a knockout.

As for my personal experience, keeping a bf/gf isn't that hard when both of you are pretty sure you can't find anyone better. But I'm sure if I suddenly turned into a jealous beeyotch, my bf would break up with me, and vice versa. Communicating isn't work, especially if your partner is just as open and honest.

I do think that our society tends to focus on "I want exactly what I want right now (and I expect you to read my mind)" which is why a lot of people don't even try to talk to each other and come to an agreement.

 

[AndThePickles]

As for my personal experience, keeping a bf/gf isn't that hard when both of you are pretty sure you can't find anyone better.

I've found the opposite works for me. I know that I could be with a number of other men if I wanted to. And I'm sure that there are other women out there who could make him happy. With that knowledge, it's important not to take each other for granted. It's a choice to be together.

 

[SpideyVille]

One of our new grad students is married and has a uber-old-fashioned, Catholic aunt. Every time she sees this aunt, the aunt's always harping about how she should "take care of herself" (ie, lose weight and always have makeup on and her hair done) because "think of your husband!"

Another grad student was like, "Hey, isn't she Catholic? They don't believe in divorce! You're already married so he's stuck with you!" We believe in low standards - if you're dressed up all the time it's hard to keep that up, but if you're always casual, when you DO dress up you'll be a knockout.

It's funny because about 3 years ago I got involved in a youth group at a Christian church, and I have been to 3 weddings there since, and one of the things they try to tell you is make sure you are in love with this person and that you want to spend the rest of your life with them and understand the commitment you are making, because there won't be a divorce. But at the same time, my pastor would always say that he couldn't wait for all of us to be married already (most of us were in our early to mid 20's), because being in a relationship, or wanting to be in one is one of the most stressing problems that young people face because they always fear being alone. So in a way, it felt like they were rushing us, yet at the same time wanted us to make sure the time was right and with the right person.

But I agree, there should be more of a balance in how you present yourself.

As for my personal experience, keeping a bf/gf isn't that hard when both of you are pretty sure you can't find anyone better. But I'm sure if I suddenly turned into a jealous beeyotch, my bf would break up with me, and vice versa. Communicating isn't work, especially if your partner is just as open and honest.

I do think that our society tends to focus on "I want exactly what I want right now (and I expect you to read my mind)" which is why a lot of people don't even try to talk to each other and come to an agreement.

I know I am guilty of not communicating about the things that mattered when I should have. I think there's always that idea where you don't want to talk or ask something because of the fear of messing something up or looking like you don't know what to do. I mean, sure sometimes you have to read body language to get certain messages, but a lot of times those signals can get crossed and will either end up in a missed opportunity or an awkward moment.

Communication is key, and while it shouldn't feel like work, it can when you don't want to do it for whatever reason.

 

[Anita18]

I've found the opposite works for me. I know that I could be with a number of other men if I wanted to. And I'm sure that there are other women out there who could make him happy. With that knowledge, it's important not to take each other for granted. It's a choice to be together.

It's not really me harping about our looks, but about our personalities. We're both EXTREMELY introverted, quiet people, and I don't think we've found anyone else who's as understanding of our need to be alone sometimes and not get offended or bothered by it. Not having to work that out every time we want to bow out of a social gathering is a huge stress reliever.

It's also why we don't take each other for granted, because we both know how hard it is finding someone as understanding of that. But we're so independent that it probably wouldn't bother either of us that much if we were single, especially given how independent we are. We choose to be together despite our personalities.

But I agree, there should be more of a balance in how you present yourself.

I guess if she wanted to present herself nicely to her husband all the time, that's her prerogative, but the fact that she was being TOLD to by another person is the part that gets me . Not to mention her husband works across the state and she's taking care of their two very young children by herselfwhile going to grad school full time! And people still expect her to always be done up for a husband who only visits a few times a month?

Man, I hope her husband is pulling in the big bucks to make this all worth it.

I know I am guilty of not communicating about the things that mattered when I should have. I think there's always that idea where you don't want to talk or ask something because of the fear of messing something up or looking like you don't know what to do. I mean, sure sometimes you have to read body language to get certain messages, but a lot of times those signals can get crossed and will either end up in a missed opportunity or an awkward moment.

Communication is key, and while it shouldn't feel like work, it can when you don't want to do it for whatever reason.

Yeah, I think it depends on the personality. My bf and I find it a lot less awkward if we air things out directly than to let them simmer. I even love art critiques even though many people hate them because they take them personally.

 

[Paradoxium]

I've found the opposite works for me. I know that I could be with a number of other men if I wanted to. And I'm sure that there are other women out there who could make him happy. With that knowledge, it's important not to take each other for granted. It's a choice to be together.

The person with most power in the relationship, tends to be the one with more options.

Ugly truth ftw.

ATP: 1
Anita: 0

 

[Anita18]

The person with most power in the relationship, tends to be the one with more options.

Ugly truth ftw.

ATP: 1
Anita: 0

But ATP is not in a relationship with me so I don't know what your point is.

If my bf and I lowered our standards personality-wise, we could probably get with a bunch of people pretty easily. So I think we're equal on that front.

Same with ATP and Spoons, I don't think she's saying that she could do better and therefore she has the most power. She's saying they both have plenty of options and are aware of that, but choose to combine their respective hotness and make one uber-hot couple.

 

[SpideyVille]

It's not really me harping about our looks, but about our personalities. We're both EXTREMELY introverted, quiet people, and I don't think we've found anyone else who's as understanding of our need to be alone sometimes and not get offended or bothered by it. Not having to work that out every time we want to bow out of a social gathering is a huge stress reliever.

How does that work though? I mean, personally I'm also an introverted person, and even though I'm not as shy as I once was, I am still pretty quiet. Like I would prefer a nice, quiet evening at home than I would going out to a party or something. But yet, for some reason, I feel like I have to change myself and force myself to appear like I'm very outgoing when it comes to meeting a girl, and it actually makes me feel very uncomfortable when I'm some place that I really don't want to be at for long. Is it just a matter of two-like personalities meeting and realizing that you're both the same in your case, or did that take some time to figure out and understand?

 

[Anita18]

How does that work though? I mean, personally I'm also an introverted person, and even though I'm not as shy as I once was, I am still pretty quiet. Like I would prefer a nice, quiet evening at home than I would going out to a party or something. But yet, for some reason, I feel like I have to change myself and force myself to appear like I'm very outgoing when it comes to meeting a girl, and it actually makes me feel very uncomfortable when I'm some place that I really don't want to be at for long. Is it just a matter of two-like personalities meeting and realizing that you're both the same in your case, or did that take some time to figure out and understand?

We met off an online dating site (Plentyoffish) and during our first few dates, we actually didn't talk all that much. But he didn't look uncomfortable despite the silence and he kept on asking me out, so I was fine with it. Turns out that not-conversing is his usual mode. He probably appreciated that I didn't talk his ear off like his mom does. It's actually quite relaxing, since I'm usually in non-conversing mode too and I actually get stressed out if forced to converse for long periods of time.

In your case, noting if someone looks comfortable in silence is probably the easiest indicator.

 

[Erzengel]

I've found the opposite works for me. I know that I could be with a number of other men if I wanted to. And I'm sure that there are other women out there who could make him happy. With that knowledge, it's important not to take each other for granted. It's a choice to be together.

But ATP is not in a relationship with me so I don't know what your point is.

If my bf and I lowered our standards personality-wise, we could probably get with a bunch of people pretty easily. So I think we're equal on that front.

Same with ATP and Spoons, I don't think she's saying that she could do better and therefore she has the most power. She's saying they both have plenty of options and are aware of that, but choose to combine their respective hotness and make one uber-hot couple.

That's why you have to strike when the iron is hot and beat down their self esteem with subtle jabs and work on their insecurities. I find things like "you're never going to do better than me." lowers the self esteem just enough so they'll never leave.

How does that work though? I mean, personally I'm also an introverted person, and even though I'm not as shy as I once was, I am still pretty quiet. Like I would prefer a nice, quiet evening at home than I would going out to a party or something. But yet, for some reason, I feel like I have to change myself and force myself to appear like I'm very outgoing when it comes to meeting a girl, and it actually makes me feel very uncomfortable when I'm some place that I really don't want to be at for long. Is it just a matter of two-like personalities meeting and realizing that you're both the same in your case, or did that take some time to figure out and understand?

Dating in essence is a weeding out process. You keep dating and dating until you find someone you are more compatible with. The problem is I think some people are content with a wedged circle peg being driven into a square hole.

In the beginning of every relationship there's a period of good date behavior. I don't pull out flash cards of Star Wars characters in the middle of dinner for a quiz to make or break a relationship. Also, I don't like clubs but I'll go if it's important to the person. You sometimes have to go half way and even more so sometimes if you're willing to make it work in any relationship.

And again if you met someone who constantly wanted to club, like every weekend, you and her girlfriends and their boyfriends, etc, maybe that girl isn't for you. However, when you get further into a relationship, things can change, her girlfriends marry boyfriends and have kids. Now it's hard to go out every weekend. You just have to know and hope you bet on the one girl, but more often times than not, you'll know.

 

[Anubis]

Unless the sex is so good you don't notice that they're completely wrong for you for the first five or six years.