The Last Crusade of Relationships

[terry78]

*waiting for I Wanna Know What Love Is to start piping into thread*

 

[Anita18]

It's someone who comes into your life, and just falls for you just by being around you. Not because there was any intention of a relationship there when you first meet, but because they simply love being around you.

I really want that, and I think dating, especially online dating, sort of takes that out of the equation.

And yes, that might be me being silly, having this idealised version of how i'd like to find love. But I honestly don't mind being single, and i'd rather be single than find love in a way that doesn't excite me, doesn't feel right to me somehow.

Isn't that the easiest way to get friend-zoned, though?

But yeah, you're way more social than I am, so I don't think you need to meet people through online dating. It might be good to try something new IRL, to change up the scenery so you give yourself a chance to meet different people instead of the same ol' guys who don't pay attention to you.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

*waiting for I Wanna Know What Love Is to start piping into thread*

[YT]9xlLQAd1Ghg[/YT]

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

So is the term "hang out" really a kiss of death?

So basically, I met a girl last week, we spent some good time together, I asked her if she'd like to go out sometime, she said yes, and so I contacted her again to make more concrete plans.

I asked her if she wanted to go out, and gave her specific times and plans, and she said "Unfortunately I'm busy at X time, but I'm free at Y time if you still want to hang out"

I am also free at that time, so the time thing isn't a concern. But I'm just wondering if this whole "hang out" thing is really as serious as it's made out to be.

 

[Lobo]

On a happier note for this thread, I have a second date with a woman who a few years ago, I wouldn't have even be en able to say hi to never mind ask out. It took along time to build up my confidence, but it really is so key. Simple things can be done, too. Walk with your chin up, not your eyes on the floor, make eye contact, smile etc. I was still a little taken aback when she said yes, but now here we are going to round two.

I spent a lot of years liking girls/women who didn't like me back, then one day my brain was just like why bother wasting your time on someone who doesn't like you? I broadened my horizons, and have been a happier person since.

Dating as I am sure many people here have stated is a numbers game, so you have to look beyond, school, or work. For instance I'm not a drinker so I don't go to bars, but have met women at the gym, the park, the beach etc.

 

[Anita18]

So is the term "hang out" really a kiss of death?

So basically, I met a girl last week, we spent some good time together, I asked her if she'd like to go out sometime, she said yes, and so I contacted her again to make more concrete plans.

I asked her if she wanted to go out, and gave her specific times and plans, and she said "Unfortunately I'm busy at X time, but I'm free at Y time if you still want to hang out"

I am also free at that time, so the time thing isn't a concern. But I'm just wondering if this whole "hang out" thing is really as serious as it's made out to be.

Depends how awkward she is. My bf said he liked "hanging out with me" when we were obviously exclusive - he was driving an hour one-way every weekend to see me. Clearly it wasn't just "hanging out" but he's one of those awkward guys who doesn't quite know how to express themselves.

For most people...I would say yes. But actions speak much louder than words, so you might as well see her and see how she acts.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

No, not girls actually on dates with me. If they were blanking me in the first place, they wouldn't even get to that stage. These are just girls I may try to talk to who might interpret even that as making advances towards them, even if I'm just talking to make polite conversation and not even attracted to them.

To give an example, say I'm at a party with a male friend, and we both happen to be introduced at the same time to a girl. Now suppose my friend mentions he plays the guitar, then the girl might say "oh that's interesting" and ask him about it, all the while not even acknowledging I'm there. Not wishing to just be standing idly by, I might try to join in the conversation and say that I play the guitar too. However, the girl might then give me a "yeah, whatever" look and continue to ignore me, not even responding to a word I say and even positioning her body as if to shut me out with her back. If I were to persist, she might then say something like "hey, you're really trying to promote yourself here aren't you?" which I'm not. I'm just trying to join in unless she would prefer I just disappeared. This kind of thing has happened before exactly.

Now while it could be that she's just attracted to the other guy, that's no reason not to be polite to everyone you've just met. It's not like she can't just make conversation with both of us and has to immediatley have an exclusive audience with my friend. If you're introduced to two people at the same time, it's polite to talk to both and not immediately shut the other one out with your body language etc. Just general social etiquette.

I don't think it necessarily means the guy is interested in you. If I ask a girl to coffee, it won't necessarily mean I'm interested romantically and that I'm hoping for a relationship. All it can mean, if you want to use the word "interest" here is precisely what some of your guy friends have said, that they'd like to have a conversation because they think you're interesting enough to talk to. In other words, it's not necessarily an expression or declaration of interest romantically, but a certain level of intrigue on a more casual level. It's like the difference between if you're flicking channels on the TV and stop to watch something because it suddenly holds your interest and you want to see what happens, and the type of interest you might have if it is a particular passion of yours, eg like watching a Spider-Man movie for example where you specifically want to see it.

So reading too much into an invitation to coffee even as a declaration of interest is where the problem comes, and what many guys I know (not just myself) find it very frustrating with females.

Just imagine if one of your female friends said to you "hey, you wanna get some coffee and hang out?" Now you wouldn't read anything into that. It's just a chance to get together and chat. Now if you suddenly substitute the friend for a man it suddenly becomes a date? That is not always so. Sometimes it is exactly the same as if your female friend asked you. It just happens that in this case the other person is a guy. There is no romantic interest, so reading it as such is exactly like what Anita was talking about earlier about low confidence women who take any attention they get as meaning far more than it is.

Sometimes you just want to hang out with a female friend instead of a male one, because it gets boring otherwise. Men and women converse differently from each other. Sometimes as men we just want a change, that's all. Variety is the spice of life.

Now I'm not saying that it couldn't ever be a declaration of interest, but it shouldn't ALWAYS be taken as one either.

Yeah, I still just don't see it.

If someone you have just met, asks you to do something one on one, it means something. It's not just having a coffee with a mate, it definitely means something more than that.

Let me ask you a question... would you ever ask a girl out for coffee that you thought was ugly but had an interesting conversation with?

If the answer is no (which I assume it will be), can you not see that even though your not neccesarily banking on the coffee leading to anything, there is a basic interest there which sparks the invitation.

And hey, I used to be really naive about guys just wanting to be friends. I've met up with plenty of people who said 'Would you like to go out for a drink with me sometime' and thought it was just a hanging out as mates thing. But they always seem to want it to be something more than that, and the trouble is that you feel guilty for saying yes once you realise that, because you get accused of 'leading them on'.

Nearly got me in trouble once. Had a guy who came into the pub I was working in, and we had a good chat and laugh at the bar and he said he'd buy me a drink some time and I agreed cause he was funny and good company... but I had no intention of going out with him whatsoever. Went out for drinks with him and couple of times, and then he tried to go in for a kiss and I had to explain to him that I thought we were just friends and he got kind of weird with me after that. Next thing I know, i've got his kind of aggresive mate coming up to me in the street asking me why i've lead his friend on and made him look like an idiot.

I managed to explain it to the guy and he backed off, but it certainly taught me a lesson.

Isn't that the easiest way to get friend-zoned, though?

But yeah, you're way more social than I am, so I don't think you need to meet people through online dating. It might be good to try something new IRL, to change up the scenery so you give yourself a chance to meet different people instead of the same ol' guys who don't pay attention to you.

Yeah, it totally is the easiest way to get friend zoned... which is probably precisely why I have such a great volume of male friends. But hey, I never said it'd be easy to have love happen that way, or that it would happen quickly... I just really want it to

And yeah, well moving to the city, getting a new job, meeting new people. That's all part of putting myself in the kind of place where people can find me

*waiting for I Wanna Know What Love Is to start piping into thread*

[YT]9xlLQAd1Ghg[/YT]

You beat me to it!

 

[Erzengel]

So is the term "hang out" really a kiss of death?

So basically, I met a girl last week, we spent some good time together, I asked her if she'd like to go out sometime, she said yes, and so I contacted her again to make more concrete plans.

I asked her if she wanted to go out, and gave her specific times and plans, and she said "Unfortunately I'm busy at X time, but I'm free at Y time if you still want to hang out"

I am also free at that time, so the time thing isn't a concern. But I'm just wondering if this whole "hang out" thing is really as serious as it's made out to be.

Well depends on what you are doing together.

I mean I hope it's not to a movie, where you can barely talk.

Be aware of her body language. I mean if the signs are there, don't be afraid to make a move.

 

[Anubis]

Next time when making a date, call it an interview for sex.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Next time when making a date, call it an interview for sex.

"Hi, I'm calling because I'm very impressed with your qualifications, and I'd like to schedule an interview with you for the position of my sexual intercourse partner.

Can I pencil you in for Wednesday at 1PM?"

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Well depends on what you are doing together.

I mean I hope it's not to a movie, where you can barely talk.

Be aware of her body language. I mean if the signs are there, don't be afraid to make a move.

No, the plans are still the exact same plans, just at a different time.

 

[terry78]

If she gotta pencil mother****ers in, I don't know what to tell you.

 

[Dark Raven]

Let me ask you a question... would you ever ask a girl out for coffee that you thought was ugly but had an interesting conversation with?

If the answer is no (which I assume it will be), can you not see that even though your not neccesarily banking on the coffee leading to anything, there is a basic interest there which sparks the invitation.

I would, and I have. There was no suggestion of a date and it didn't even cross my mind. I take the approach that if I'm going to want acceptance from others, then I have to start accepting them as well. Everyone has something of worth to talk about, even for just one conversation.

In this case, the person was a friend already, but she already had a bf anyway and I wasn't even remotely interested (and still am not). However, I was the one who "invited", not because I was thinking in terms of a date, but because I was just continuing the conversation we were having and I felt like going to the pub that night instead of going straight home. She could just as easily have been a guy and I would've gone, but she happened to be a girl. There was no difference here. The gender was incidental.

Sure you can go out and find that. As you said, there's nothing "wrong" with you, really. You really do have to be completely neurotic and off your rocker to not even be in a serious relationship when you're 40!

Well then that's me I'm sorry to say. I'm 40 and I've never had one either. Well actually, let's back up here and not even put the word "serious" in there. No relationship whatsoever, however you want to loosely define it. I'm like Steve Carell in the 40 Year Old Virgin, only worse. I've never even been kissed nor has anyone ever agreed to an actual date with me (other than those two I mentioned from online where they didn't even properly know what I looked like) or where I was meeting up with a friend just to catch up. No form of physical contact either in a romantic context. Not for lack of trying, but just because no-one has ever been interested. Ever.

I certainly have my share of female friends, so I don't want to give the wrong impression, but none are interested to go any further.

So you can understand why I would think there's something wrong with me and would have an all-time low confidence. And because of that complete lack of physical contact and even any expression of interest no matter how remote, I almost feel sick like I'm a leper who is dying and longing for some human touch and acceptance.

And for anyone who might suggest just going to a hooker and having sex to lose my virginity, that wouldn't ever solve anything, because it's not just a need for that to be gratified, but rather to be known by another and accepted and loved. I don't want sex outside of love. I can't even stand the thought of that, because it would lull me into a false illusion for a few moments of thinking that someone actually wanted me for who I am, only for it to come shattering down suddenly. Then I would feel even more empty than before. So I would rather not go there.

But I'm still determined to do something about this and not simply give up completely, even though I feel tempted to on so many occasions. I don't want to just fall into self pity and resign myself to a life of loneliness. There has to be some kind of hope.

 

[Anita18]

Well then that's me I'm sorry to say. I'm 40 and I've never had one either. Well actually, let's back up here and not even put the word "serious" in there. No relationship whatsoever, however you want to loosely define it. I'm like Steve Carell in the 40 Year Old Virgin, only worse. I've never even been kissed nor has anyone ever agreed to an actual date with me (other than those two I mentioned from online where they didn't even properly know what I looked like) or where I was meeting up with a friend just to catch up. No form of physical contact either in a romantic context. Not for lack of trying, but just because no-one has ever been interested. Ever.

I certainly have my share of female friends, so I don't want to give the wrong impression, but none are interested to go any further.

So you can understand why I would think there's something wrong with me and would have an all-time low confidence. And because of that complete lack of physical contact and even any expression of interest no matter how remote, I almost feel sick like I'm a leper who is dying and longing for some human touch and acceptance.

Wow, I had no idea you were anywhere near 40. Not because of lack of experience, but lack of social awareness. I thought I was giving message-writing and conversing advice to someone in their 20s at the very most.

Not to mention you're seriously overthinking a lot of this, which is also setting you back pretty far. I suppose that falls in with my "neurotic" descriptor...

This calls for a drastic intervention! What are your hobbies (please tell me you have some) and how would any of that put you in contact with more women? I mean, my dad is pretty much as equally socially-clueless and he did The Beautiful Mind thing and married one of his students. (To be fair, he was a very young assistant professor...) That's always an option too.

 

[ComicChick]

i'm way closer to that than i wanna be.

28 without ever having a serious relationship

26

 

[Lily Adler]

24

 

[The Original Bamfer]

26

No reason to be sad - you're more than capable of having a serious relationship. You just need to not work as much!

 

[enterthemadness]

So, I found my wallet...but how I did is um, creepy...

I was folding papers and bagging them to deliver in morning. I took a break to rest & think about where wallet was. I started thinking about how I'm Pagan and don't believe in shadow people being demons, but maybe they are something else. Well, I heard a voice in my head, a woman's voice say "Go check the kitchen...now" and I walked to the kitchen...checked table...wallet is there with a couple white smudges on it....

What is the point of this? I'm tired, and I must have remembered where I put my wallet at. I mean, my head and eyes hurt I'm tired...

 

[ComicChick]

No reason to be sad - you're more than capable of having a serious relationship. You just need to not work as much!

i quit 2 of my jobs

 

[The Original Bamfer]

So, I found my wallet...but how I did is um, creepy...

I was folding papers and bagging them to deliver in morning. I took a break to rest & think about where wallet was. I started thinking about how I'm Pagan and don't believe in shadow people being demons, but maybe they are something else. Well, I heard a voice in my head, a woman's voice say "Go check the kitchen...now" and I walked to the kitchen...checked table...wallet is there with a couple white smudges on it....

What is the point of this? I'm tired, and I must have remembered where I put my wallet at. I mean, my head and eyes hurt I'm tired...

I'm a pretty creative person, but I fail to see what this has to do with relationships. Are you and this shadow thing in kahoots?

 

[Anubis]

That only leaves 15 jobs.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

Seriously.

 

[Dark Raven]

Wow, I had no idea you were anywhere near 40. Not because of lack of experience, but lack of social awareness. I thought I was giving message-writing and conversing advice to someone in their 20s at the very most.

Not to mention you're seriously overthinking a lot of this, which is also setting you back pretty far. I suppose that falls in with my "neurotic" descriptor...

This calls for a drastic intervention! What are your hobbies (please tell me you have some) and how would any of that put you in contact with more women? I mean, my dad is pretty much as equally socially-clueless and he did The Beautiful Mind thing and married one of his students. (To be fair, he was a very young assistant professor...) That's always an option too.

I should've mentioned it before, but didn't want to, because it's not something I'm proud of. Not because there's anything wrong with that age, but when people are despairing at not having had a serious relationship by their mid 20s, 40 seems like no hope at all, and people start to assume there must be something wrong - eg i'm some kind of deviant or something - like in that Steve Carrell movie.

I do have hobbies. Lots of them in fact: sports, music, literature, creative... most things you can think of, especially those things that would put me in the limelight with women such as singing, dancing or performing music. If you've ever seen that film Groundhog Day, I've spent all these years alone trying to develop new hobbies to pass the time as well as trying to improve myself with education, acquiring knowledge, communication skills, developing my personality, humour, being a better person etc, as well as lifting weights and exercise to gain a more athletic physique.

My friends refer to me as the most multi-talented person they've ever met. That's not me blowing my own trumpet but just reporting what they've said about me, which makes it all the more ironic. My friends who have taken the time to know me (specifically my male friends or female ones who are either married or in a relationship already) have said that I'm a great guy and would make a great catch for some lucky lady. However, those ladies who are single don't seem to know or see this and simply ignore me (thereby never knowing who I am and what I can do) or don't want to be anything more than just friends.

If I were considered physically attractive, I would be what people who are slightly jealous refer to as "Captain America" in a kind of pejorative way - someone who is good at nearly everything to the point of making them sick. That just makes me even more depressed because I would gladly give up all of that and be completely talentless for someone to love. It's as if I'm missing just a few components, but the ones I'm missing are vital ones, thereby rendering everything else useless at the moment.

I'm pretty much at the end of my tether now, having tried nearly everything I can think of. I can't believe that statistically, not even one person in all these decades has responded positively to a date request or even wanted to be with me.

I must point out that I never keep talking about my lack of relationships to people in real life. That isn't going to gain sympathy. It just drives people away more and people assume you're the one with a problem and no-one wants to be around a loser. I'm only doing this online because of its anonymity. I know another friend who isn't quite as bad off as me (in that he's had a relationship before) who does keep going on about his lack of relationships and even frequently posts about it on Facebook, and even I have to admit that I feel put off by him. I try to convey the image of being popular at least, even if it's not quite accurate, because popularity tends to breed more popularity. Hasn't really helped though.

 

[enterthemadness]

I'm a pretty creative person, but I fail to see what this has to do with relationships. Are you and this shadow thing in kahoots?

I am so sorry! I'm so tired I thought this was the lounge!!

 

[ComicChick]

That only leaves 15 jobs.

Seriously.

only 2 now.

civil service and concerts. those are the only jobs i have right now