The Last Crusade of Relationships

[Erzengel]

This is not like if you are the first one there you can claim it. You really shouldn't feel the need to ask her again because she pretty much copped out of it the last time. And I think those who were giving you advice just wanted you to get out there. Not necessarily wanted you to find Ms. Right.

 

[Anita18]

Honestly, I can't really think of some quality in her that attracts me to her other than the fact that I think she's cute. And even then, I don't think she's the cutest girl I've gone after and I don't doubt for one second that I can do way better on so many levels. I don't feel mesmerized by her body like the other guys do, so that's not even the case for me.

But I think the big factor is that I'm single and she's a girl who is single. I know I'm not getting any younger and I have to stop waiting for the right one to come along, especially since I don't really have any experience. Heck, if this girl is giving me enough trouble in terms of me getting my stuff together, imagine how much harder it would be for me to try with someone who seems more worth the trouble.

Believe me SpideyVille, you are still plenty young.

Although it's true what you say about taking the bull by the horns. And I'm not saying to use her only for any potential sex, but you're right, you really do need practice approaching girls. Especially if you can't even talk a gullible girl into going out with you.

At the same time, if I was in your shoes and given my relative inexperience, it wouldn't be worth my effort dating someone whom I couldn't describe why I was attracted to them beyond the physical. (Especially if they didn't ahve any brains!) But then I'm extremely lazy and I dole out my efforts very very carefully.

I won't lie, I've half-assed this effort because part of me doesn't really care for her as much as I have for other girls, but I guess I just see this as an opportunity and after hearing so many other guys talking about how I should go after it before they do, it makes me feel like I should at least try. I don't really see a long future with her, but at the same time I would at least like to spend some alone time with her and see where things go instead of just giving up completely.

And competition is going to help you...how? Well, I suppose it's getting you off your duff and semi-attempting to make a move on her.

And being rejected is not what bothers me, but rather the way that she does it. I mean she seemed excited about the drawing thing, but every time I try to act on it, she doesn't seem like she's putting in the same effort, which is ironic because she told me I should be more prideful and not take crap from people, yet that's exactly what she's doing with me.

Welcome to the real world, bub. You'll have to get used to it.

 

[DV8]

so . . . not that anyone cares about this since I didn't get any advice (Lol) but instead of perfume, I just bought my ladyfriend some lingerie the other day as a post-Valentine's present . . . it was a win/win

*pats self on back*

 

[Lily Adler]

Well, as long as you didn't say, "the ones your mother laid out for you" when you gave them to her, you're golden.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Honestly, I can't really think of some quality in her that attracts me to her other than the fact that I think she's cute. And even then, I don't think she's the cutest girl I've gone after and I don't doubt for one second that I can do way better on so many levels. I don't feel mesmerized by her body like the other guys do, so that's not even the case for me.

But I think the big factor is that I'm single and she's a girl who is single. I know I'm not getting any younger and I have to stop waiting for the right one to come along, especially since I don't really have any experience. Heck, if this girl is giving me enough trouble in terms of me getting my stuff together, imagine how much harder it would be for me to try with someone who seems more worth the trouble.

I won't lie, I've half-assed this effort because part of me doesn't really care for her as much as I have for other girls, but I guess I just see this as an opportunity and after hearing so many other guys talking about how I should go after it before they do, it makes me feel like I should at least try. I don't really see a long future with her, but at the same time I would at least like to spend some alone time with her and see where things go instead of just giving up completely.

And being rejected is not what bothers me, but rather the way that she does it. I mean she seemed excited about the drawing thing, but every time I try to act on it, she doesn't seem like she's putting in the same effort, which is ironic because she told me I should be more prideful and not take crap from people, yet that's exactly what she's doing with me.

I don't think she's making you take crap. I don't think she's done anything wrong, she's just not that into you.

IMO she's rejecting you in a vague way because your asking her out in a vague way.

She was enthusiastic about the drawing thing, but after thinking about it perhaps she sees it would be a bit 'date-like' if it was just the two of you, and she's not interested like that.

You ask her 'What are you doing tomorrow night' and she responds with 'I dunno, depends how I feel. I don't make plans, my life's too crazy for that'...

IMO if she thought you were just asking as a friend, casually, she might have just said 'I'll probably be doing ....'

And if she was interested in going out with you, maybe she'd have said 'I don't know, why?'

But maybe she knows full well your trying to ask her out and she's trying to put you off doing so, to avoid the awkwardness of having to actually bluntly reject you.

It's exactly what I would do, and it's intended to be kind. She's giving you the hints so that you can save face.

 

[Lily Adler]

I was just about to say 'she's just not that into you'. But I don't like girls who try to avoid the awkwardness of rejecting a guy. Put it nicely but don't be vague. Not saying this is what happened in SpideyVille's situation, just using it as a jump off point.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm sure if you said, hey I'm into mountain climbing, she would have said, "OMG, I'd love to climb Mt. Everest." Doesn't necessarily mean she'd go and do it.

Also, I would have turned the whole, "I don't make plans..." and responded with, "Oh I see how it is or something a little more biting to put her on a bit of the defensive."

I'm guessing you responded with, "Oh okay."

 

[Anubis]

 

[steintym]

She's hot, seeing how a lot of other guys want her body?

My coworker, who's a very smart dude, was led into a very awkward date with a girl from OKCupid (she was too young for him mentally/emotionally and partied a lot) and ignored drunk party photos in her profile. All because of a photograph that showed off her butt very well. I gave him a good

Men.

Haha - Hey, cut him some slack. It was probably a really sweet dumper.

 

[SpideyVille]

I'm sure if you said, hey I'm into mountain climbing, she would have said, "OMG, I'd love to climb Mt. Everest." Doesn't necessarily mean she'd go and do it.

Also, I would have turned the whole, "I don't make plans..." and responded with, "Oh I see how it is or something a little more biting to put her on a bit of the defensive."

I'm guessing you responded with, "Oh okay."

Sort of. I told her to give me her number so I could text her and see what she's doing and if she's free. That might've just been as good as winning a consolation prize instead of first place.

I actually made plans for this afternoon to go get pizza with my friend, but even though she said yes and it sounded like we were definitely going to see each other today, I still haven't heard back from her. That's where things get frustrating, because even though I make plans with people, its almost like they never happen. I mean, I would at least like a call or a text back with some excuse so that I wouldn't sit around waiting for them.

 

[Erzengel]

Ah, to be young again and perpetually nervous that plans would fall through because on more than one occasion someone flakes on going out. I remember planing something and as I was getting ready, the call, "Sorry but....".

Word of advice, if someone is really into you, they'll make an effort.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I was just about to say 'she's just not that into you'. But I don't like girls who try to avoid the awkwardness of rejecting a guy. Put it nicely but don't be vague. Not saying this is what happened in SpideyVille's situation, just using it as a jump off point.

What's the alternative? Girls who love rejecting a guy and making him feel all awkward?

I mean, yeah, if a guy comes right out and says 'Would you like to go on a date with me?' then it's pretty rotten to not be honest and say 'I'm sorry, but no'.

But i've often had guys try and almost trick me into spending time with them alone without actually asking me out.

You know, they ask you what your doing at the weekend, try and make it seem casual, say 'you wanna hang out later?' or 'We should get together some time'... and when you say 'No, i'm sorry, I'm not interested in you like that', they then respond with 'Oh I didn't mean like a date!'

Which leaves you no where to go then... unless you're then going to say 'No, i'm sorry, i'm not interested in your friendship either' (which I actually had to do once after dumping a guy who said 'can we still be friends' and then tryed to spend all of his time with me as my 'friend', trying to win me back), you kind of don't have any other option than the 'Yeah, maybe sometime, I don't really make a lot of plans cause I never know what I'm doing, but i'm usually about' line.

 

[SpideyVille]

Believe me SpideyVille, you are still plenty young.

Although it's true what you say about taking the bull by the horns. And I'm not saying to use her only for any potential sex, but you're right, you really do need practice approaching girls. Especially if you can't even talk a gullible girl into going out with you.

At the same time, if I was in your shoes and given my relative inexperience, it wouldn't be worth my effort dating someone whom I couldn't describe why I was attracted to them beyond the physical. (Especially if they didn't ahve any brains!) But then I'm extremely lazy and I dole out my efforts very very carefully.

Basically, it's about options. I don't have many so I'm working with what I have around me at the moment. Plus, she's cute, nice and approachable which makes me feel a little better about my chances since she's not as intimidating as most other girls I've known. It's just so hard to talk to her sometimes. And honestly, all I really want at the moment is just a chance to spend some time alone with her to talk, not even a full date or anything.

And competition is going to help you...how? Well, I suppose it's getting you off your duff and semi-attempting to make a move on her.

Yeah, it's mostly that since I see and hear about others being interested in her, it makes me feel like I need to at least try and fail than fail to try. I don't want to feel like I let another opportunity slip by me.

I don't think she's making you take crap. I don't think she's done anything wrong, she's just not that into you.

IMO she's rejecting you in a vague way because your asking her out in a vague way.

She was enthusiastic about the drawing thing, but after thinking about it perhaps she sees it would be a bit 'date-like' if it was just the two of you, and she's not interested like that.

You ask her 'What are you doing tomorrow night' and she responds with 'I dunno, depends how I feel. I don't make plans, my life's too crazy for that'...

IMO if she thought you were just asking as a friend, casually, she might have just said 'I'll probably be doing ....'

And if she was interested in going out with you, maybe she'd have said 'I don't know, why?'

But maybe she knows full well your trying to ask her out and she's trying to put you off doing so, to avoid the awkwardness of having to actually bluntly reject you.

It's exactly what I would do, and it's intended to be kind. She's giving you the hints so that you can save face.

I feel like I should've just said, "Well I want to take you out so how can I do that if you don't plan anything?"

I mean maybe she is doing it so I can save face, but I'd rather crash and burn than stop before the cliff because at least I know there's no coming back from that, as opposed to being where I am now where I'm stil a bit uncertain yet hopeful at the same time.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I feel like I should've just said, "Well I want to take you out so how can I do that if you don't plan anything?"

I mean maybe she is doing it so I can save face, but I'd rather crash and burn than stop before the cliff because at least I know there's no coming back from that, as opposed to being where I am now where I'm stil a bit uncertain yet hopeful at the same time.

I defo think you should just ask her straight then, it's the only way your going to get it off your mind.

Personally, I trust my instincts pretty well, and i've spent a lot of time taking hints and saving face myself... but maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should have just asked!

I think i'm going to in the future. The next guy I meet who I like, i'm going to ask out. Straight. And just see what happens

 

[SpideyVille]

Ah, to be young again and perpetually nervous that plans would fall through because on more than one occasion someone flakes on going out. I remember planing something and as I was getting ready, the call, "Sorry but....".

Word of advice, if someone is really into you, they'll make an effort.

And that's what gets me upset the most. It's that it always seems like I'm the only one making the effort. And its not just with girls I'm interested in, but also people I'm friends with. I've grown a lot in the past few months and have learned how not to be a pushover when it comes to putting in the effort for any kind of relationship, so I can't tolerate it as much anymore because I expect to be treated better. Sure there's always reasonable excuses, but it gets hard to trust people after a while when it seems like everyone does it.

 

[SpideyVille]

I defo think you should just ask her straight then, it's the only way your going to get it off your mind.

Personally, I trust my instincts pretty well, and i've spent a lot of time taking hints and saving face myself... but maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should have just asked!

I think i'm going to in the future. The next guy I meet who I like, i'm going to ask out. Straight. And just see what happens

I think what happened with the last girl I seriously liked really did a number on me. I've forgiven her and moved on, but the way that fell apart and really affected how I approach girls now. Like I try not to seem clingy or talk to a girl too much, to the point where I barely talk to them. And I almost hide my true feelings for fear that as soon as I open up, they'll back off. But the biggest thing was that I felt like I was being lied to by her all the time, so whenever I get similar BS excuses from girls now, I get the same feeling and it reminds me of how badly I just wanted to hear the truth from her. I hate having to look for hints or saving face. I rather just let it all out and move on from there. It's much easier to burn bridges and hold no regrets that way.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

And that's what gets me upset the most. It's that it always seems like I'm the only one making the effort. And its not just with girls I'm interested in, but also people I'm friends with. I've grown a lot in the past few months and have learned how not to be a pushover when it comes to putting in the effort for any kind of relationship, so I can't tolerate it as much anymore because I expect to be treated better. Sure there's always reasonable excuses, but it gets hard to trust people after a while when it seems like everyone does it.

I've been there

I got over it the opposite way to what your saying.

You said you can't tolerate it because you expect to be treated better? I tolerate it because I expect it... I expect people to make absolutely no effort at all... and when people do start making an effort, it's a nice surprise, and shows they actually really like you.

I think what happened with the last girl I seriously liked really did a number on me. I've forgiven her and moved on, but the way that fell apart and really affected how I approach girls now. Like I try not to seem clingy or talk to a girl too much, to the point where I barely talk to them. And I almost hide my true feelings for fear that as soon as I open up, they'll back off. But the biggest thing was that I felt like I was being lied to by her all the time, so whenever I get similar BS excuses from girls now, I get the same feeling and it reminds me of how badly I just wanted to hear the truth from her. I hate having to look for hints or saving face. I rather just let it all out and move on from there. It's much easier to burn bridges and hold no regrets that way.

Similar to what I said above, the thing is that if a girl likes you, it won't be any effort.

If a girl likes you, when you smile at her across the room, she will smile right back. She'll come over and start conversations with you. When you ask her what she's doing, she'll respond with something that makes it clear she wants to go out with you and is available.

For example, a guy I like who is a regular in my bar found out I liked him, asked for my number and said he was going to take me out on a date when he was drunk. I texted him the next day just saying 'hows your head' but he never replied. And then never called, and acted like it had never happened.

So I made no more effort. I backed off completely. I didn't act annoyed or anything, I just didn't make as much effort as I used to to stand near him at the bar so we could talk, and didn't stay after work to have a drink with him.

Sure enough, I go in the other day and he comes over to ME, starts a conversation with ME and buys me a drink for the first time.

That tells me that I might have a chance. That tells me that I should probably buck up and ask him why he never called.

But if he'd never bothered, i'd know that he really just didn't like me at all.

 

[Erzengel]

There's the rub. You kinda have to make a good impression and lay the foundation. Then when you start planning dates and going out, they want to go out of their way to spend time with you.

 

[Lily Adler]

I have a couple questions, how would you introduce a date to friends and how do you know whether or not you may have emasculated your boyfriend.

 

[Erzengel]

Hey, this is Steve. Steve, this is Bobby, Ronnie, Ricky and Mike.

 

[Lily Adler]

You make it sound so easy. How would you do it when your friends can be the meanest, snarkiest people who may or may not find a flaw because they secretly don't want an intruder to ruin our dynamic?

 

[Anubis]

"Steve, this *****e bag is Carol. This *****e bag is Annie. And this colossal *****e bag is Doug. *****e Bags? This is my man Steve."

Hey, this is Steve. Steve, this is Bobby, Ronnie, Ricky and Mike.

You're friends with New Edition?!?

 

[DV8]

Well, as long as you didn't say, "the ones your mother laid out for you" when you gave them to her, you're golden.

true, true . . . except I did say that #Fail

 

[DV8]

well, you could just throw him to the wolves and let him fend for himself . . . or you could tell your friends to be nice beforehand if they respect you . . . of course at that point they will likely take that as a cue to be even bigger *******s

 

[Lily Adler]

Well they're not total d-bags, but they can be quite stern. People can be a little intimidated when meeting us for the first time. Plus, I assure you I'm the Alpha of these bunch of withering pansies (I mean that with love). I am the Monica of the group.

So I will introduce Noah to my friends and keep those jackals in check.