The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[Erzengel]

Hopeful, I agree that people who have those things going for them make it easier to bed someone.

My point, is when you're in college, even in school in general you are surrounded by more eligible people than probably any time in your life.

And of course there are exceptions. I went to an Engineering School. The ratio of men to women were 9 to 1. And trust me, have you seen most female engineers?

Still though, you have to strike when the iron is hot and plentiful. I hear the same problems in this thread all the time. College people get enamored by 1 girl and become almost obsessed about them. I've said over and over in this thread about numbers and just keep asking. And I don't mean pine over one girl, then pine over another girl. I mean ask out someone on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday......

College is one of the best places to meet people. And yes people have limitations, but if you think ringing your hands sitting in your room and wondering how to meet people in college is hard, it does not get easier out of college.

 

[SpideyVille]

One thing I haven't been able to really understand is why is having sex considered to be a high marking of success? Like if you're not having sex, then you're doing something wrong, or something is wrong with you.

 

[Erzengel]

Spidey, people who say that....aren't having sex.

Sex is fun. Sex feels great. I'm "working" now. But can you guess what I'd rather be doing right now?

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

I agree with Erzengel, who consistently gives the best advice in this thread. People who say sex is overrated aren't doing it right. Or they're not with the right person.

 

[SpideyVille]

I get that, and I know that after I have sex, I'm most likely going to want to do it as often as I can.

But what I mean is, why are people so curious about the sex lives (or lack of one) of others? Not just in this board, but in society in general. It's almost like if a guy can go out every friday night and pick up a girl to have sex with, he's "the man", but if a guy doesn't, then he's looked at as a failure. I just don't get why people make it seems like more of a big deal than the actual person feels it is.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

That's just a whole lot of nonsense right there.

Getting laid is easy if you're:

1. Good looking

I agree looks matter, but for the most part if you don't look like a trainwreck 24/7, and have regular cleaning habits, know how to dress, etc, you can get away with "ugly". Many celebrities who pass as attractive in movies are "ugly" in my opinion, largely because they have people dressing them and doing their hair and whatnot.

2. Confident

Anyone can be confident. In fact sometimes it's easier to be confident when you have some major defect. Like that dude who had to learn to be really cool because he has one leg or something.

3. In a lot of 'easy to pick up' social situations

Again, this always seems like a problem people bring upon themselves. My city/local business literally pays for social situations to happen everyday: farmer's market, Rotary, Bars, places of worship, etc.

4. Sexually experienced/casual

You can't fake the former, but anyone can be more 'casual'. My 'casual-ness' is my favorite trait.

And what if you are none of those things? Then getting laid becomes difficult.

Some things you can't help, but somewhere some ugly dude with a weird personality figured out a way to get laid. There's a Transformers The Movie (1986) poster that any girl who bangs me is going to stare out the whole time, yet somehow that doesn't act like a sex deterent.

You have such a dismissive attitude. Like, if it's easy for you, it must be easy for everybody.

It might not necessarily be as easy for someone as it is for someone else, it still doesn't change the fact that, like riding a bike or swimming, you should be able to accomplish it with minimal effort imo. It might be 'easy' for me, but it should almost never be this 'hard'.

I mean, I have no idea if you're attractive or not, but I can say for definite that you hit the other three points on that list. And that's why you have no problem.

Some know what I look like around here. I dunno. You can tell me...

Spoiler

From my instagram

I mean, I think I've aged well despite having a receeding hairline, but still, there are more times than I know where my looks haven't helped me at all.

Me, I don't have a problem either. If I'm a) completely drunk andd full of dutch courage b) at a party/club/pub c) wearing a low cut top (because I have good boobs) and d) completely lowering my standards/seeing through drunk goggles...

But that's precisely why I don't have a lot of sex

Ironically I've always felt the idea that women get it more than men, or even that they can by default, is nonsense.

Just because something can be easy, doesn't mean the easy way is the best way to do it.

No one said it was, but past a certain age, I dunno, you should have certain experiences under your belt, or at least show you can. I have very Christian friends who will not have sex, but it's still not hard for me to imagine them getting laid because women are sexually attracted to them (like my friend Ross) and they date/do other things and have normal intimacy without sex.

Nell isn't that confident about picking women up. He isn't casual about sex (obviously, if he is trying to make his first time something special) and it doesn't sound like he's a party head whose often in clubs or at parties getting his drunk goggles and dutch courage on.

I don't get drunk, or if I do, I'm not picking up nothing. I suck at it drunk. Sometimes I do like getting drunk though. No one should get drunk to learn to talk to the opposite sex, that's something people should be able to do sober.

He's trying to pick up girls that will eventually sleep with him, full of self doubt, completely sober, and in everyday situations like work.

Sober does not equal self doubt.

So no... It is not easy for him to find a girl to sleep with that way.

It'll take some effort!

I think if you drop all the effort, and focus on things that matter (like having money, looking halfway decent, and learning to talk to people) it just happens.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

I get that, and I know that after I have sex, I'm most likely going to want to do it as often as I can.

But what I mean is, why are people so curious about the sex lives (or lack of one) of others? Not just in this board, but in society in general. It's almost like if a guy can go out every friday night and pick up a girl to have sex with, he's "the man", but if a guy doesn't, then he's looked at as a failure. I just don't get why people make it seems like more of a big deal than the actual person feels it is.

Because we human beings are a shallow lot and we compare our personal successes and failures against others using stuff like our jobs, our social life... and yes, our sex life.

Hey, you asked. Sorry, life's unfair.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Optimus no one wants to see pictures of you in this thread. Stop preening.

 

[Erzengel]

Because we human beings are a shallow lot and we compare our personal successes and failures against others using stuff like our jobs, our social life... and yes, our sex life.

Hey, you asked. Sorry, life's unfair.

Btw, what do you guys bench? And how far can you pee?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

One thing I haven't been able to really understand is why is having sex considered to be a high marking of success? Like if you're not having sex, then you're doing something wrong, or something is wrong with you.

For me I think it's a primal thing.

I mean, I don't even enjoy sex itself all that much most of the time. Especially if there is no feeling involved. But sometimes you just get the animalistic urge to grab somebody and bump uglies

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I get that, and I know that after I have sex, I'm most likely going to want to do it as often as I can.

Once you have sex the urge doesn't get better. I'd say it gets worse. For the most part the notion of virgins being 'sex starved' is a little silly. Once you have sex you'll realize what 'sex starved' actually feels like lol.

But what I mean is, why are people so curious about the sex lives (or lack of one) of others? Not just in this board, but in society in general. It's almost like if a guy can go out every friday night and pick up a girl to have sex with, he's "the man", but if a guy doesn't, then he's looked at as a failure. I just don't get why people make it seems like more of a big deal than the actual person feels it is.

I tell people to mind their own f***ing business, but that's another discussion.

That's reductionist though. There are many ways to be viewed as 'The Man'. I mean Jesus gets props for hanging around a prostitute and supposedly not sleeping with her. In fact, arguably, he's the most popular guy ever. We're still talking about that trip he took to Rome.

All sorts of people, not just nerds, but definitely some nerds, fall into this trap. What you're basically illustrating is the guy who acts, who isn't just talk, is revered and admired, while the guy who acts all smart because he watches Star Trek but has no trek's of his own is not. People want to see you creating your own stuff, not just involving yourself in the world of others. Nerds, and most other labels, can fall into a trap where they simply watch their 'thing' and never actually try to do something with it.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I agree looks matter, but for the most part if you don't look like a trainwreck 24/7, and have regular cleaning habits, know how to dress, etc, you can get away with "ugly". Many celebrities who pass as attractive in movies are "ugly" in my opinion, largely because they have people dressing them and doing their hair and whatnot.

I feel you're classification of ugly and mine are very different then...

Anyone can be confident. In fact sometimes it's easier to be confident when you have some major defect. Like that dude who had to learn to be really cool because he has one leg or something.

Confidence sometimes has nothing to do with your actual looks. A confident ugly person could still get laid occasionally. And a gorgeous person who isn't confident would get a few hits too.

But if you have neither the striking good looks that will get people approaching YOU for dates, nor the confidence to pull off a pick up, it's very difficult.

And again I say, it's easy for you to say confidence is something it's easy to obtain. Because you're confident.

Again, this always seems like a problem people bring upon themselves. My city/local business literally pays for social situations to happen everyday: farmer's market, Rotary, Bars, places of worship, etc.

Yeah, Nell's really being silly for not trying to pick women up at the local church.

You can't fake the former, but anyone can be more 'casual'. My 'casual-ness' is my favorite trait.

I meant casual ABOUT sex. Which Nell isn't, and doesn't wanna be.

Some things you can't help, but somewhere some ugly dude with a weird personality figured out a way to get laid. There's a Transformers The Movie (1986) poster that any girl who bangs me is going to stare out the whole time, yet somehow that doesn't act like a sex deterent.

Wouldn't put me off either... Not seeing how that's relevant.

And I guarantee you that the ugly guys with weird personalities who are getting laid frequently... Are most probably getting it on with ugly chicks with weird personalities.

It might not necessarily be as easy for someone as it is for someone else, it still doesn't change the fact that, like riding a bike or swimming, you should be able to accomplish it with minimal effort imo. It might be 'easy' for me, but it should almost never be this 'hard'.

I can't ride a bike.

Some people just find stuff harder than others. And for some people it IS this hard. Obviously, or they'd have had sex by now.

Also, you seem to be forgetting that there is an element of choice here.

It's not that it's hard for Nell to get laid, but that it's hard for him to get laid by a girl he likes.

Some know what I look like around here. I dunno. You can tell me...

Spoiler

From my instagram

I mean, I think I've aged well despite having a receeding hairline, but still, there are more times than I know where my looks haven't helped me at all.

Can't really judge your face from that pic cause you can't really see it, but obviously you have no body issues and from what I can see of your face you're not ugly. So it's obvious why it's easy for you.

Ironically I've always felt the idea that women get it more than men, or even that they can by default, is nonsense.

I never said they can. I just that that if I wanted sex, it wouldn't be hard to get if all those elements where in place.

No one said it was, but past a certain age, I dunno, you should have certain experiences under your belt, or at least show you can. I have very Christian friends who will not have sex, but it's still not hard for me to imagine them getting laid because women are sexually attracted to them (like my friend Ross) and they date/do other things and have normal intimacy without sex.

Ideally yeah. I mean I'm sure Nell never thought as a teenager that it'd take him this long.

But that doesn't mean you resort to hookers or ****s when it's been a while.

I don't get drunk, or if I do, I'm not picking up nothing. I suck at it drunk. Sometimes I do like getting drunk though. No one should get drunk to learn to talk to the opposite sex, that's something people should be able to do sober.

It's not about learning to talk to people.

People are just loose, horny and impulsive when drunk. So it's easy.

Sober does not equal self doubt.

I never said it was

I think if you drop all the effort, and focus on things that matter (like having money, looking halfway decent, and learning to talk to people) it just happens.

That's not advice.

That's just you showing you're obvious lack of experience on the other side of this.

Going back to my 'can't ride a bike' revelation, my whole life the reaction has been 'But it's easy'.

Which is so easy for someone to say when they can do it.

When someone has gone 24 years without being able to do it, and THEN found it easy, THEN they can talk to me.

Otherwise their opinion of how easy it is, is utterly useless to me, and incredibly patronising and annoying.

 

[Anita18]

Because we human beings are a shallow lot and we compare our personal successes and failures against others using stuff like our jobs, our social life... and yes, our sex life.

Hey, you asked. Sorry, life's unfair.

My bf is really happy he ended up with an awesome girlfriend and has nothing to complain about when his friends go on whining sprees about the lame immature women they're dating. And he has a twinge of jealousy when talking about his friends who can pick up women effortlessly.

To be fair, even I get a twinge of jealousy when my pretty girly classmate can get a new guy two weeks after breaking up with her fiance. You can't help but feel the need to be validated in your attractiveness.

Truth be told, I'm an introverted hermit geek who's not mainstreamly hot (unless I cover my eyes) and I'm frankly pretty intimidating for a woman. And my bf is an even more introverted hermit nerd with a very low tolerance for pettiness and stupidity and yakkity yak. So in all likelihood, we're together either because nobody else will tolerate us or we won't tolerate anyone else.

 

[The Guard]

If you're willing to sleep with pretty much anyone, finding sex in college isn't hard.

Finding someone you connect with and care about, who cares about you in return, is a bit harder, both in and out of college. It's not impossible, but neither is it easy. Sometimes it requires work, and sometimes it requires just having luck. Being in the right place at the right time?

Is it possible that Nell is making things a little hard on himself? Maybe. But changing what he wants and how he goes about things won't automatically get him laid. That said, that's pretty much what you have to do if you want your situation to change. Change your behavior, and sometimes your priorities.

I would tend to agree that pining for one person, or even for one type of person, is really counterproductive. And while college is a time that a lot of people experiment and grow, not everyone goes to college, and not everyone grows at the same pace, or in the same way. It's not like everyone automatically comes out of college with boatloads of confidence and sexual experience. Plenty of people spend their time in college growing up in other ways and learning other things and get to the point where they say "Ok, I can/want to do this" after college. And some don't get to that point at all.

Anyone can be confident and casual, but its not as easy as "just doing it" for a lot of people, anymore than it is for the average non actor to give a good acting performance. It takes a lot of work to change things about yourself in a healthy way.

It might not necessarily be as easy for someone as it is for someone else, it still doesn't change the fact that, like riding a bike or swimming, you should be able to accomplish it with minimal effort imo. It might be 'easy' for me, but it should almost never be this 'hard'.

I think Nell is talking about a romantic love VS having sex though. The two ideas aren't mutually exclusive...he wants both. And there are no guarantees when it comes to finding romance. You could potentially meet a hundred people and not fall in love or truly care about any of them. Everyone is different. Everyone's tastes are different.

One thing I haven't been able to really understand is why is having sex considered to be a high marking of success? Like if you're not having sex, then you're doing something wrong, or something is wrong with you.

Someone already said it, but competition. Its been my experience that having sex isn't a marker of success so much as its a marker of your value as a partner or your threat level to others. People ask about sex for the same reason people ask about money, talent, hobbies, etc.

Women want to know because they want to know if you're experienced, and what kind of attitude you have about it. Are you safe, or do you take risks? Are you committed, or a man ****e. And men want to know because they want to know if you're going to be competition to them. And sometimes its just nice to talk about it, to remind yourself that a lot of people are in a similar place.

Lots of people can have sex. It's not some great achievement in itself. Sex is great. There are times its all I want to do. But there also times I just want to eat a big bowl of ice cream, or sing, or write. It adds another dimension to your life, but its not the be-all end-all.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I'm gonna go with hopeful here, sometimes it just becomes annoying and patronizing.

So I'm still a virgin - it really seems like a bigger deal to everyone else than it is to me. Would I prefer not being a virgin? Yes. Is it really that big of a deal to me that I am? No.

I have had opportunities, that I have turned down both intentionally and unintentionally. I regret the unintentional turn downs, because obviously that's not what I meant to happen. But I have intentionally turned down opportunities for sex because, for whatever reasons, I wasn't feeling the situation. And no, I'm not worried about sex to the point that I just wanna go out and get it from whatever drunk girl is willing to give it.

The fact that I just got out of a relationships proves that there are girls out there for me. The fact that I was in a relationship with an incredibly attractive girl, and my past experience which wasn't so much a relationship as it was an affair was with another incredibly attractive girl proves that I can get girls that I am attracted to. That was my biggest worry in the past that yea, I could get girls, but I'd have to "settle" for someone that I didn't want, someone that I wasn't attracted to. It might sound shallow that I'm talking about the physical attractiveness of someone, but I find it to be important, just as important as everything else. For what it's worth, I wouldn't pursue a relationship with an incredibly attractive girl who had nothing else to offer outside of just sex. Which is one reason why I was willing to wait it out with my ex girlfriend, because she had a lot to offer as a person.

The past 2 or 3 pages have been everyone debating about my lack of confidence because I haven't been laid yet, but the fact is, I just got out of a relationship which is a HUGE step for me, the one thing I had been looking for, and I finally accomplished it. Even if it didn't work out, if you think that did nothing for my confidence, you are sadly mistaken. I still might not be Barney Stinson in the area of confidence, but the fact is, I finally got over my largest hurdle like, in life period, the one thing I felt I couldn't accomplish, and I accomplished it. Now I know I can.

I just find it funny how obsessed this thread is with my virginity and my relationships, when I'm not even torn up about it. I mean, I could understand if I came to this thread whining and crying about my virginity and relationship status (which I used to, very much so, I think it's safe to say I've come a long ways in this thread), but I don't. I was in a relationship for the past 3 months - I asked some questions on how to deal with certain situations. It was my first legitimate relationship, and I didn't know how to handle a lot of things. The relationship ended, and I haven't gone into a depressed stupor. Her and I gave it a shot, and it didn't work out. No hard feelings, no grudges, it's time to just chalk it up as an experience and move on to the next experience.

But the attitude seems to be like I'm in some depressed rut that I can't get out of, when I'd say I actually just got out of my rut by actually getting into a relationship in the first place. I actually feel pretty good about my love life right now.

 

[Erzengel]

The only "issue" that I have is you expanding your social circles and stop trying to meet people soley through your theater department.

I'm not sure if you met your ex, and let's be honest, even for a 3 month relationship, it really seemed like the equivalent of a 3 day relationship at least intimately, through your theater department.

But, you are finishing up school this year? Or is it next? I mentioned in a previous post about how college is one the best place to meet girls because of the sheer number of people there.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yeah I'd really recommend getting outside your circle. There seems to be this false dichotomey being presented here like you're either going to date a "****" who is drugged up to get laid, or date a girl who'll make you wait and that's the quality girl but it's so hard to get her into bed. That's from having really only one or two social circles. It's also an attitude I'd expect would be gone in high school. Same with crushes. You should probably stop having major crushes on people you don't date or talk to after High School. If you have a crush I'd recommend distancing yourself from that person until you have that sh** under control. Someone simply giving you attention every now and then shouldn't result in you expending huge amounts of mental energy on them. Crushes are simply feelings of attraction you don't fully understand, and in my opinion probably have more to do with your naughty bits nagging you.

Also, like Erz's said, you had a relationship, but seriously it felt like 3 days worth of intimacy. Most of my relationships got to the point you got to in about 3 days. I don't date "****s" either. So I mean my perspective is you still have next to no experience, or maybe you at least have a horror story.

You should have more than one social circle though. More than one friend, and more than one means of making friends. That really is how you get laid. I mean, maybe I am attractive, but if no one even knows my name my attractiveness means nothing. Thing is I do a lot of self-advertising. I wouldn't even say it's directed at girl but I have an instagram, Facebook, and Twitter account. I use them to let people know about the things I do and am doing, and then I also go out to lots of different things.

It's really easy to get laid. I'm still amused that so many here seem to have a problem with it. Although, if you're around the same people all the time it's nearly impossible.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Thanks, but I really wasn't asking anyone to pass judgment on the credibility or legitimacy of my relationship and it's inner workings.

And I also don't understand why anyone has any kind of "issue" with it. It's my sex life, and I don't have the issues that you people continue bringing up. It's my sex life, I don't understand why anyone else here has any kind of issue with it, and I don't understand why this has blown up for 3 to 4 pages now when I just made the statement that my girlfriend and I broke up, and now it's turned into this. You guys are seriously having more trouble with my relationship, the breakup, and my sex life, than I am.

 

[Erzengel]

Nell, you've been filling this thread for the last 2 months about the lack of intimacy in your relationship and now your relationship is over because of same. You've been bringing it up and keeping us informed and now you're upset that it's been a topic of conversation?

For the most part, I think some posters were giving you decent advice towards help in the future.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Yea, I was asking for some advice on how to handle that situation because I didn't know how to handle it. I wasn't asking for people to judge the legitimacy of the relationship. I'm personally not concerned with whether you or Optimus feel I was getting enough intimacy or not - I asked about how to handle a particular situation, not to have judgment passed on myself or my ex girlfriend and the relationship we had because of it. The lack of intimacy in the relationship is now officially a moot point because the relationship is over. Does it really need to be rehashed page after page in this thread when the relationship is now over (for whatever reasons - I purposefully did not talk about what occurred during the breakup and why it happened...)

And since the breakup, there's been nothing but people going on and on in this thread about some false pre-conceived notion that I'm in some depressed funk about not ever having had sex, when I'm really not that concerned about it.

I'm not concerned about people giving advice when I ask for it. But these last 3 or 4 pages I haven't asked for advice. People have imposed some kind of idea upon me that I'm desperately unhappy with being a virgin, and constantly telling me about how I'm going about my life is wrong because I haven't lost my virginity yet, when apparently I should just be swimming in vagina somehow - even though swimming in vagina isn't my priority, and I willingly have not put myself out there to just get sex anytime, anywhere, and I haven't been complaining about the results that stem from that.

I answered some questions that people asked me about the girls I have gone after within my department, and somehow me answering those questions that were asked of me has turned into me being desperately hopeless in my sex life.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I don't know about that. You do complain about it, a lot, and I'm not going to do the work to dig up the specific posts but I've definitely read them.

Honestly, ATP said it once and she was very right: if you're 22 and haven't gotten laid you're definitely not "normal". I mean all the hooker talk is a little tongue and cheak, but if you don't find your virginity off-putting you should. Most people lose their virginity not trying to lose it. People who take chastity vows probably thought they were going over to that person's house to play scrabble, in many cases both parties probably think their innocuous date won't end in sex. Sex just happens. A lack of sex, in my experience, really indicates a lack of "normal" social circles. I imagine even amongst your own circle of friends you're not the "popular one" who proposes lots of fun things to do. You may even be one of those people who is bad at maintaining friendships between the same sex. I find those go hand in hand.

 

[Anita18]

I don't know about that. You do complain about it, a lot, and I'm not going to do the work to dig up the specific posts but I've definitely read them.

Honestly, ATP said it once and she was very right: if you're 22 and haven't gotten laid you're definitely not "normal". I mean all the hooker talk is a little tongue and cheak, but if you don't find your virginity off-putting you should. Most people lose their virginity not trying to lose it. People who take chastity vows probably thought they were going over to that person's house to play scrabble, in many cases both parties probably think their innocuous date won't end in sex. Sex just happens. A lack of sex, in my experience, really indicates a lack of "normal" social circles. I imagine even amongst your own circle of friends you're not the "popular one" who proposes lots of fun things to do. You may even be one of those people who is bad at maintaining friendships between the same sex. I find those go hand in hand.

A bunch of my friends passed 22 without having lost their virginity. Even my sister is a social butterfly and the same with her. My ex-bf was one of them too. I lost mine at 25 and I don't feel bad about it. I was perfectly aware that I'm not average but going out with the idea that I was going to lose my virginity RIGHT NOW come hell or high water would definitely be the wrong way to go about it, for me.

My circle of friends are just extremely picky, and don't give in easily to "animalistic urges."

And no, we're probably not "normal" either. But we're in school or have jobs and are productive members of society and are otherwise normal. So sex life or lack thereof doesn't really say THAT much about you. Really.

 

[Schlosser85]

I was 21.

 

[DV8]

ooooooh I bet Anita's vag-jay-jay is sooooooo tight LMAO

 

[Darthphere]

Remember kids, if you're a virgin past the arbitrarily picked age of 22, you're a freak and or loser. Don't be a freak and or loser. The clock is ticking.