The most ridiculous thing you've ever heard from a customer

[Honey Vibe]

One time I had a cold, and some moron urged me to stop snorting crack.

 

[Dew k. Mosi]

Guy: Do you have Amazing Spider-Man 512?

Me: It should be on the shelf right there.

Guy: All there is is a sign that says 'Sold out.'

Me: Then, we must be sold out.

Guy: You 'must be?' You are or you aren't.

Me: Well, the sign says we are.

Guy: But you don't know for sure.

Me: I didn't sell the last copy because I just got here today, but if the sign says we are sold out, we are sold out.

Guy: Well, how can you be sold out? It just came out Wednesday.

Me: Yeah, but if people buy it, they buy it. Sometimes we run out.

Guy: You should have copies for anyone who wants them.

Me: We usually do, but I guess this was a good issue.

Guy: What's that mean?

Me: Um...that people bought it fast.

Guy: So you saying I can't buy one, even though I have the money right here to buy it,

Me: Well, if we don't have any, Sir, I don't know what to tell you.

Guy: You can tell me the name of your manager. I bet he'll want to know about how you lost him a sale.


Seriously, where was I supposed to get the SOLD OUT BOOK? I am sorry I don't have a store of them shoved up my ass or anything.

 

[Honey Vibe]

Dew, that was hilarious
we'Ve all had a blockhead like that for a customer at some point in our sales careers

 

[Ocelot]

You know I deleted that post before, and you posted it again? How about a time out?--Dew

 

[Juturna]

Chicken Express, we have some kick ass tea, but some people have to take a good thing and **** it up.

Me: Hi, may I help you?

Lady: Yeah, can I get some lemon tea?

Me: We don't have lemon tea.

Lady: Well, then, can you make it?

Me: Make it? Umm... the best I could do for you is go... half lemonaid, half tea, and charge you for a Soda.

Lady: But It should only be 50 cents, it's tea.

Me: With lemonaid.

Lady: Whatever.

*makes lemon tea*

Me: 99 cents please.

She goes off and puts the lid on, sticks the straw in, takes a big gulp. She then makes the worst face I have EVER seen.

Lady: Owww, Ughhhhh, Ehhhyowwowkjdfjbhreljgh

(you know, just TRYING to get my attention... so... being the broke ass teenager I am): Ma'am, is somthing wrong?

Lady: Could you just dump this out and go 3/4 Sweet Teas and a 1/4 regular tea?






I hate working fast food, you get dumbasses all the time.

 

[Dew k. Mosi]

Highschool I worked at the chinese food place in the mall

1. What is in the broccoli beef?

2. Hey, you are white, why you working at the chink place?

And then this bit of advice from my boss, Mr. Mui.

Mr. Mui: Hedda! Come here! Look dis watch, what kind it?

Me: A rolex?

Mr. Mui: Ya, rolex! What kind watch you have?

Me: It's a Goofy watch. It goes backwards.

Mr. Mui: Bah! Why you think I got rolex and you got Goofy?

Me: Dunno, Mr. Mui.

Mr. Mui: Because I don' PAY you enough for rolex. You quit school, quit job, marry rich man, get rolex!

Me: Yes, Mr. Mui.


I did not take his advice. I no marry rich man, I no have rolex

 

[Ocelot]

You know I deleted that post before, and you posted it again? How about a time out?--Dew

Because thats how I roll. B****. Can't take my rolex.

 

[Hyper Venom]

Highschool I worked at the chinese food place in the mall

1. What is in the broccoli beef?

2. Hey, you are white, why you working at the chink place?

And then this bit of advice from my boss, Mr. Mui.

Mr. Mui: Hedda! Come here! Look dis watch, what kind it?

Me: A rolex?

Mr. Mui: Ya, rolex! What kind watch you have?

Me: It's a Goofy watch. It goes backwards.

Mr. Mui: Bah! Why you think I got rolex and you got Goofy?

Me: Dunno, Mr. Mui.

Mr. Mui: Because I don' PAY you enough for rolex. You quit school, quit job, marry rich man, get rolex!

Me: Yes, Mr. Mui.


I did not take his advice. I no marry rich man, I no have rolex

Heh...I remember that story. Isn't that the same guy who tried to hook you up with his son?

 

[Hyper Venom]

Oh, forgot to add a story. I got a few good ones.

Okay, so I work at Wendy's. Here's some stupid stuff.

A woman walks in, looks me right in the eye, and asks me, "How much do the 99 cent fries cost?"

"Do you sell hamburgers?"

One time a woman came in and asked me for onion rings. I say, "I'm sorry ma'am, we don't sell onion rings, that's Burger King." She looks at me all wide-eyed and goes, "This isn't Burger King?!" Keep in mind, the word "Wendy's" is plastered on a huge neon sign outside, all over the floors and walls, and on my shirt and hat.

A Muslim woman comes in and orders a Big Bacon Classic, then comes back two minutes later and complains because it had bacon on it and says that I sold it to her deliberately, just to disrespect her. I ask her, "Well, it's called a Big Bacon Classic. It's kind of self-explanatory. What did you think it had on it?" She suddenly looks very embarrassed and leaves.

Some Idiot: I'd like a Vanilla Frosty.
Me: I'm sorry, we only sell chocolate.
Idiot: No vanilla?
Me: Just chocolate.
Idiot: No strawberry?
Me: Just chocolate.
Idiot: No cookies and cream?
Me: Hold on, let me check...aha!
Idiot: What is it?
Me: You're in luck, sir! I have just discovered that...we only have chocolate!

Okay, as for my other job, I do security for Philadelphia Eagles games at Lincoln Financial Field. Hilarity ensues.

Okay, so we get alot of out-of-towners. It's pretty cool. But this one guy...I felt so bad for him and his family. He comes up to me and says, "Um...I think I may be at the wrong stadium." So I say I can help him with that, this is Lincoln Financial Field. He says, "Yes, but I'm looking for Heinz Stadium." So I'm staring at this guy in disbelief. I ask him, "You mean the stadium where the Steelers play? In Pittsburgh?" He's really happy now because he thinks I solved him problem. I tell him, "Sir, you do realize you're in Philadelphia right now, right? This is where the Eagles play." He looks so disappointed at this point. "You gotta be kidding me! I'm from Indiana! I thought I had caught the plane to Pittsburgh! Well, how far away is it?" I point west and tell him, "About three hours that-a-way, if you're driving."

Some guy: I can't find my seat.
Me: Okay sir, let me get a look at your ticket and I can tell you where your seat is.
Him: Oh, I don't have a ticket.

Some other guy: Excuse me, sir?
Me: Yes, can I help you?
Him: I wanna see the game, but I don't have a ticket.
Me: Sorry to hear that, sir. The box office is completely sold out.
Him: Yeah, I know. I tried that already. So I was wondering, would it be okay if I could buy a ticket from one of those guys who keep walking around and selling them?
Me: No, that would be scalping, which is illegal.
Him: No way!

Here's an interesting encounter I had with a scalper.
Him: Hey man, you wanna buy a ticket?
Me: I'm event staff, man.
Him: Oh okay, let me know if you find anybody who wants to buy a ticket.

Also, one time we were hosting the Oakland Raiders. The Eagles beat them by seven points, I believe. Anyway, after the game, I had to direct the Raiders to the exit. But the exit was RIGHT THERE! You'd be shocked how many of those guys actually walked up to me five feet away from the door with the big red "EXIT" sign and asked me where the exit is.

 

[Ronny Shade]

One time a woman came in and asked me for onion rings. I say, "I'm sorry ma'am, we don't sell onion rings, that's Burger King."

That's understandable. I've probably done something like that.

She looks at me all wide-eyed and goes, "This isn't Burger King?!" Keep in mind, the word "Wendy's" is plastered on a huge neon sign outside, all over the floors and walls, and on my shirt and hat.

But I'm not that dumb.

A Muslim woman comes in and orders a Big Bacon Classic, then comes back two minutes later and complains because it had bacon on it and says that I sold it to her deliberately, just to disrespect her. I ask her, "Well, it's called a Big Bacon Classic. It's kind of self-explanatory. What did you think it had on it?" She suddenly looks very embarrassed and leaves.

That's priceless.

 

[Immortalfire]

A Muslim woman comes in and orders a Big Bacon Classic, then comes back two minutes later and complains because it had bacon on it and says that I sold it to her deliberately, just to disrespect her. I ask her, "Well, it's called a Big Bacon Classic. It's kind of self-explanatory. What did you think it had on it?" She suddenly looks very embarrassed and leaves.

Some Idiot: I'd like a Vanilla Frosty.
Me: I'm sorry, we only sell chocolate.
Idiot: No vanilla?
Me: Just chocolate.
Idiot: No strawberry?
Me: Just chocolate.
Idiot: No cookies and cream?
Me: Hold on, let me check...aha!
Idiot: What is it?
Me: You're in luck, sir! I have just discovered that...we only have chocolate!

Aahahaha

 

[Immortalfire]

Me: Yeah, but if people buy it, they buy it. Sometimes we run out.

Guy: You should have copies for anyone who wants them.

What an idiot. You do have copies for anyone that wants them, but he didn't get his butt to the store fast enough. Sheesh.

I did not take his advice. I no marry rich man, I no have rolex

Poor Dew

 

[Ronny Shade]

I did not take his advice. I no marry rich man, I no have rolex

I'm rich.


sike no I'm not.

 

[deathshead2]

Highschool I worked at the chinese food place in the mall

1. What is in the broccoli beef?

2. Hey, you are white, why you working at the chink place?

And then this bit of advice from my boss, Mr. Mui.

Mr. Mui: Hedda! Come here! Look dis watch, what kind it?

Me: A rolex?

Mr. Mui: Ya, rolex! What kind watch you have?

Me: It's a Goofy watch. It goes backwards.

Mr. Mui: Bah! Why you think I got rolex and you got Goofy?

Me: Dunno, Mr. Mui.

Mr. Mui: Because I don' PAY you enough for rolex. You quit school, quit job, marry rich man, get rolex!

Me: Yes, Mr. Mui.


I did not take his advice. I no marry rich man, I no have rolex

Im in marketing class right now and that made me laugh so hard

 

[terry78]

Just listened to an voicemail from some woman that called our office this morning at about 5 am.

"Yeah, I'm calling because my daughter ordered that Kidz Bop CD, and you know, she didn't like it. That CD is ****, it's basically ****, you know? And Kidz Bop is a rip off."

We found it so amusing because we're actually a software company.

 

[Juturna]

Call back and make fun of her for buying Kidz Bop.

 

[JLBats]

Just listened to an voicemail from some woman that called our office this morning at about 5 am.

"Yeah, I'm calling because my daughter ordered that Kidz Bop CD, and you know, she didn't like it. That CD is ****, it's basically ****, you know? And Kidz Bop is a rip off."

We found it so amusing because we're actually a software company.

I am deeply amused by this.

 

[SuperFerret]

more from an aquarium:

"Do you sell fish?"
after walking past dozens of tanks of fish with prices posted

That's nothing.

Once when I was working in the Pet Store, a man came into the store, walked around for a bit, even standing and watching the fish for a minute, and then proceded to walk over to me and ask, I'm not kidding, "Do you sell radios?"

 

[Tyrinus]

The store I worked at also dealt with ponds, and we had a sign in the window saying such...

Woman: Do you sell things or buy them too?
Me: We don't buy from customers.
Woman: So you don't buy or sell jewlery?
Me: This is a pond shop, not a pawn shop.
Woman: *kinda confused look*
Me: Your looking for a pawn shop. p-a-w-n
Woman: Oh, do you know where I could find one?
Me: Try the phone book.

so she leaves, and to my surpise comes back about 10 minutes later

Woman: I just wanted to let you know, it's p-a-w-n, not p-o-w-n. Thanks.
and she leaves.
Me: o...k...

and on the pawn shop token

another lady calls and ask about selling us her fish, becasue she no longer wants her aquarium.

Me: You can donate your fish to us, but we're not going to buy them from you.
Woman: Why not? I paid for them.
Me: Because we're not a pawn shop.
Woman: Oh, so because I'm latin I need a pawn shop!!
Me: *hangs up*

I could not possibly have known she was latin, in all honesty I would have thought she was white by her voice. And ironically enough, apparently she did need a pawn shop if she needed money that badly.

 

[C.F. Kane]

I did not take his advice. I no marry rich man, I no have rolex

You no need rolex. Goofy watch keep same time as rolex.


Anyway, I used to live in the Netherlands (my dad had a job with NATO), and I worked at the US Embassy for one summer.

Once this woman called me and started lecturing me on Dutch history. My Dutch isn't perfect, but I think she was saying that because the Americans pulled out of there camps in southern Holland after WWII, the Moroccan and Turkish immigration wave started.

To this day I do not know why she thought a telephone operator needed to know this.

 

[Ronny Shade]

Me: You can donate your fish to us, but we're not going to buy them from you.
Woman: Why not? I paid for them.
Me: Because we're not a pawn shop.
Woman: Oh, so because I'm latin I need a pawn shop!!
Me: *hangs up*

I could not possibly have known she was latin, in all honesty I would have thought she was white by her voice. And ironically enough, apparently she did need a pawn shop if she needed money that badly.

I love when people overreact and cry racism. It tickles me.

 

[Alexia Dark]

Best. Thread. Ever.

 

[jaguarr]

When I was in college, I waited tables at a very nice seafood house. We used to get in a lot of rich a-holes who thought they were important and liked to show off to the friends or clients they were there having dinner with. Variations of this story happened numerous times during my tenure there, but here's the basic version of it:

Rich A-Hole: Oh, boy! Boy! *snapping his finger*

Me (the waiter): Are you talking to me? *surprised that someone would be rude enough to actually call me that*

Rich A-Hole: Yes, boy. I believe our party is ready to order our meals, so let's stop just standing around and get a move on, eh? Chop chop! Hahahahahahaaaaaaaa! (Tries to make the people he's with think he's just having fun with me instead of being a rude, obnoxious A-Hole by laughing loudly)

Me: Alright, what would you like, Ma'am? *starts taking the order of the lady at the table first*

Rich A-Hole: I'll have the Top Sirloin. Tell the chef that I want it Medium. Not pink in the middle. Not burnt. Perfectly medium and tell him not to f**k it up.

Me: ....

Rich A-Hole: Oh, yeah, and I'll have the baked potato loaded with everything. Tell the chef to pick out the biggest one for me! I don't want some little tiny thing on my plate. And no vegetables or salad. I'm a MAN not a rabbit! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Oh, yeah, and I'll take another martini, too. Tell the bartender not to skimp on the Glen Livet this time!

Me: Alllllright. And for you, Ma'am? *goes back to the lady at the table to take her order*

Rich A-Hole: Oh, and boy, we need more bread when you have a moment.

Me: I'll have the busser bring that right out to you, sir, as soon as I've finished getting everyone's orders.

Rich A-Hole: I don't think you understood me, boy, we need bread! Now! HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

Me: ... *flags down a busser and asks them to go get some bread for the table and then finally gets through the process of taking everyone elses orders.

After being run around for various things by this Rich A-Hole while everyone's enjoying their salads or soups, dinner finally arrives.

Me: There we are. *finishes serving everyone their plates* I hope you enjoy your dinners. Is there anything I can get you? No? Okay, I'll stop back by in a bit to check on you and make sure everything's alright, then.

Rich A-Hole: Oh, no you don't, boy. You're staying right here until I know this steak is PERFECT! *cuts a piece off and inspects it before putting it into his mouth, tentatively* This hasn't been cooked to a medium. There's still just a little pink in there!

Me: *looking at the steak which is cooked to the most perfect medium I've ever seen before* It looks very even and medium, sir.

Rich A-Hole: Well, you must be blind AND stupid! Take it back and tell the chef to do it right this time! And tell him I want the BIG potato he's got back there! And bring me another martini!

Me: ...

Chef: *"accidentally" drops the steak on the ground and steps on it a few times before getting it onto the grill. Drools on it a bit while he's picking it up as he mutters four letter words about Rich A-Hole*

Me: *serves steak which has basically been heated up a little bit by the chef, but otherwise hasn't been cooked much more than that; the potato is the same freakin' one he had before*

Rich A-Hole: *cuts another piece* That's more like it! Tell the chef he should have done it like that in the first place! And THAT is a baked potato, not that little tiny thing he gave me before.

Me: I'm glad you like it, sir.

After dinner, Rich A-Hole continues his usual schtick while ordering dessert. Everyone he is with looks embarassed. Then he says those magical words:

Rich A-Hole: Oh, boy! I would like some decaf coffee, please.

Me: Absolutely sir! *goes and gets Rich A-Hole is coffee and is very attentive with the coffee pot the remainder of the time that Rich A-Hole is in the restaurant, making sure he's got a full cup.

Rich A-Hole: Are you SURE this is decaf?

Me: Absolutely, sir.

Rich A-Hole: Well, at least they do the coffee right in this place. *drinks four cups of "decaf" and then leaves a sh1tty tip just like we all knew he would. Actually says "Thanks, boy! You might not go on welfare after all!" on his way out.

Me: Good night. Drive safe. *said with a big smile*

What Rich A-Hole doesn't know, and is the reason I'm smiling so big, is that Rich A-Hole just drank four cups of what we called "Busser Coffee". Busser Coffee was a pot of the richest, darkest, most caffeine-laden roast we had, filled to the brim of the brewing basket before being brewed, with a decaf cap on top of the pot. It was made especially for guys like Rich A-Hole to make sure they had plenty of time to think about what a Rich A-Hole they are and how rude they were to the staff of our restaurant while they are staring at the ceiling...all...night....long.

jag

 

[Alexia Dark]

Hahahaha. Here's a question for you, Jag: Do waiters always have to ask you how your meal is when your mouth is full? Are you supposed to ask then?

 

[Ronny Shade]

What Rich A-Hole doesn't know, and is the reason I'm smiling so big, is that Rich A-Hole just drank four cups of what we called "Busser Coffee". Busser Coffee was a pot of the richest, darkest, most caffeine-laden roast we had, filled to the brim of the brewing basket before being brewed, with a decaf cap on top of the pot. It was made especially for guys like Rich A-Hole to make sure they had plenty of time to think about what a Rich A-Hole they are and how rude they were to the staff of our restaurant while they are staring at the ceiling...all...night....long.

That is a far better revenge than any other ...legal one I could think of.