The Relationship Thread: Single Posters on Patrol - Part 18

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Okay, so I found a guy I actually like... But he's totally not looking for anything more than FB's.

Went to a pub my best friend goes to a lot but I'd never been in before last night, and the manager knows a couple of my mates so came and sat with us and had a drink.

Was pretty immediate connection, we were talking and laughing and he was sitting so close to me he was practically sat on my hand, and my hand ended up on his knee.

Played a few games of pool, he kept pinching my bum to put me off and generally being cheeky (which as you know, I love).

Anyway, by the end of the evening he kicked everyone else out and we went back into the pool room, and one thing lead to another... Had sex on the pool table. Chatted some more about life. Had more sex. It was kind of awesome.

Part of that conversation tho was that he'd broke up with his last g/f cause he just wasn't looking for the kind of commitment she was and wanted to be honest about it.

I told him I've stayed away from commitment for ages too, so we were cool to just have fun.

Kinda does suck tho

Also, I don't think the stuff going on in my head is very healthy.

Cause the whole time and even this morning, I couldn't shake this feeling of being completely baffled.

I was wearing my black work polo shirt and black trousers, both baggy and unflattering. My hair was just bunged up in a pony tail and not the cleanest. I came straight from work, so my make up was all in dissary.

Why on earth was he so attracted to me? Why did I even get him horny?

Cause personally, I looked in the mirror and what I saw was so far from sexy or even attractive

He said he was gonna call, but half my brain just says 'he's not gonna call. He'll probably be thinking 'what the hell did I do that for' by morning'.

I think this is why I have a hard time slowing things down and actually dating tho.

Because I have zero faith that a guys interest extends beyond the moment, and I'd rather at least have some experiances and some fun, than go through life constantly hoping for the phone to ring and being dissapointed.

Perhaps you are more attractive than you think? It is often that way for most of us. We are far more critical of ourselves than is necessarily true...

 

[Erzengel]

Hopeful, I hope your decision to just have fun and have experiences is what YOU really wanted to do and are not settling for that because you haven't had success in finding a relationship.

 

[Erzengel]

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Perhaps you are more attractive than you think? It is often that way for most of us. We are far more critical of ourselves than is necessarily true...

Yeah I guess so. I dunno, it's my weight that bothers me most, and I keep trying to get it through my head that some men actually prefer some 'cushion for the pushing', but I can't help it - when I look in the mirror, I don't find my body attractive. So it confuses me that someone else does.

Hopeful, I hope your decision to just have fun and have experiences is what YOU really wanted to do and are not settling for that because you haven't had success in finding a relationship.

Of course I'm just settling. I mean, if they guy had asked me on a date or indicated he wanted something real with me, it's not like I'd have said 'no, I'm just looking for fun'. He's definitely someone I would be open to actually seeing. That's why I said it's kind of a shame.

But I'm not going to turn down good sex with someone I have chemistry with because it's not going to turn into a relationship.

And I will admit, a part of it is about keeping up the appearance of actually enjoying single life and not just being a sad sap people pity.

Most of my g/fs are either in relatioships or are stunning and get propositioned all the time.

When I get a pull a good looking pub landlord, it's like I can say 'See, I get plenty of attention too. You don't have to pity me.'

Does that make sense?

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

See, this is the kind of thing I talked about in my other post, the kind of thing that completely misses the point.

 

[Erzengel]

If you are friends with someone and you have feelings and they don't reciprocate, either stop talking to them and move on OR get over it and remain friends.

 

[Erzengel]

But I'm not going to turn down good sex with someone I have chemistry with because it's not going to turn into a relationship.

In then end, if you're okay with it that's fine. You can't really flip this to a guy's perspective. If you asked most of the guys here, I'm sure they'd jump at the chance for FBs.

And it'd be a little bit of a double standard to say a girl shall respect herself if you can't say the same for a guy.

However, if you want more, you should have no qualms with saying I'm sorry I won't do that.

Does that make sense?

It does, but again, if you're content with that, that's all that should be important to you. Just don't want you regretting any of those decisions.

 

[Warhammer]

But I'm not going to turn down good sex with someone I have chemistry with because it's not going to turn into a relationship.

Someone, whether it's you or if it's him, always f*** that all up eventually.

And I will admit, a part of it is about keeping up the appearance of actually enjoying single life and not just being a sad sap people pity.

Most of my g/fs are either in relationships or are stunning and get propositioned all the time.

When I get a pull a good looking pub landlord, it's like I can say 'See, I get plenty of attention too. You don't have to pity me.'

Does that make sense?

In a perfect world, I'd tell you that you don't need a man to justify your femininity or to bolster your self-esteem. That kind of mentality eventually leads down a bad path and opens up a new can of worms. But hey, do what you gotta do.

 

[Erzengel]

I think unless Hopeful will correct me, it is more than that.

As much as I felt like I was trying to keep up with my friends who were dating, in the end it wasn't about trying to impress them or boost my self esteem, it was just wanting to be in a relationship.

 

[moviedoors]

But I'm not going to turn down good sex with someone I have chemistry with because it's not going to turn into a relationship.

And as long as the parties involved are upfront about their intentions and on the same page, there's not a damn thing wrong with that.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

In then end, if you're okay with it that's fine. You can't really flip this to a guy's perspective. If you asked most of the guys here, I'm sure they'd jump at the chance for FBs.

And it'd be a little bit of a double standard to say a girl shall respect herself if you can't say the same for a guy.

However, if you want more, you should have no qualms with saying I'm sorry I won't do that.

It does, but again, if you're content with that, that's all that should be important to you. Just don't want you regretting any of those decisions.

Does being impulsive and spontaneous and pretty much always seizing the moment have to be a lack of self respect though?

I mean, i've had my share of moments where I know I didn't respect myself. I've had sex before with someone I absolutely didn't want to, because I genuinely just couldn't be bothered to say no... I mean, I was in such a bad place, I can't even explain to you what that feels like.

This was nothing like that.

This was just two people finding each other attractive, and acting on it, without any pretention or lies involved to make it happen, and without any promises to be broken.

I will never regret a night like that

Though obviously that kind of behaviour isn't something I plan on continuing forever. I don't want the only action I get to be hooking up on pub pool tables when i'm into my 30s...

Someone, whether it's you or if it's him, always f*** that all up eventually.

It's worked for me in the past with minimal to no fallout. I've had 5 FB's in the 6 years i've been single, and i'm still friends with all of them.

In a perfect world, I'd tell you that you don't need a man to justify your femininity or to bolster your self-esteem. That kind of mentality eventually leads down a bad path and opens up a new can of worms. But hey, do what you gotta do.

If you mean the kind of desperate for attention mentality, I completely agree. But i've never been one for that, I hold myself with too much pride to ever let anyone think I was desperate.

That's half the point though. Situations like this... I dunno, they help me keep my pride about my lack of a love life... they help me to feel like 'at least I don't get NO action', and so there must be some attractive qualities in me, and somewhere down the line it'll be the right guy.

I think unless Hopeful will correct me, it is more than that.

As much as I felt like I was trying to keep up with my friends who were dating, in the end it wasn't about trying to impress them or boost my self esteem, it was just wanting to be in a relationship.

Yeah it is a lot of that.

It'd be really really nice to have someone actually be 'taken' with me.

To call me or text me and actually ask me out, to surprise me with flowers (i've never been bought flowers before), to invite me along to parties with the intention of us showing up together, to wanna hold my hand, be affectionate in little ways like hair stroking and forehead kisses, to go to great lengths to put a smile on my face when i'm sad, to want me around when they are sad because I make things seem a little bit less awful...

I've never had anything close to that (twell, nothing that wasn't a lie anyway), and it is something I know affects a lot of aspects of my life.

I mean, how can you be fully self confident when the truth is, no man has ever loved you?

How can you NOT take that knowledge and come to the conclusion there must be SOME reason for that.

And whatever that reason is, it's the reason your not good enough

 

[Ms. Marvel]

If you are friends with someone and you have feelings and they don't reciprocate, either stop talking to them and move on OR get over it and remain friends.

The worst thing is when they claim that they are over it, but decide to try again a couple months later to see if things have changed.

 

[Warhammer]

It's worked for me in the past with minimal to no fallout. I've had 5 FB's in the 6 years i've been single, and i'm still friends with all of them.

Well, I must commend you for that. To have 5 successfully and neither one of you caught feelings? You're pretty damn good.

If you mean the kind of desperate for attention mentality, I completely agree. But i've never been one for that, I hold myself with too much pride to ever let anyone think I was desperate.

Well, that is true but it isn't what I originally meant. I just meant those people who use sex to get this kind of feeling of being or feeling wanted. These people have voids that end up getting filled temporarily but it never sustains. Then it's on to the next one like a cycle. I've known a few females friends who have felt this way, but I know males can do this too.

Or those who use sex to justify that they are hot s***. The gratitude of "Hell yeah, I'm good." A bolstering of self-esteem.

That's half the point though. Situations like this... I dunno, they help me keep my pride about my lack of a love life... they help me to feel like 'at least I don't get NO action', and so there must be some attractive qualities in me, and somewhere down the line it'll be the right guy.

Honestly, I'd hope that you weren't hoping that a potential future FB will end up marrying you. As cheesy as it sounds, you don't want that to be the foundation of your relationship. I mean hell, the fact that you are having multiple FBs means that you are doing something right. You and him are having some kind of connection at first...unless you are either meeting at a club or meeting up over the internet. I doubt it's those last two.

An honest question from me regarding your last few FBs if you don't mind answering. How long did you two know each other before you did the nasty? Are you meeting these guys with the mentality of "I want to f*** you" or does it eventually escalate to that point?

I mean, how can you be fully self confident when the truth is, no man has ever loved you?

How can you NOT take that knowledge and come to the conclusion there must be SOME reason for that.

And whatever that reason is, it's the reason your not good enough

That reason now becomes intuitive. Is there something about you? Personality? Are you the type to take initiative or do you wait for him to take the initiative? Do you give off obvious cues for him to act upon? Are you looking in the right places (because a big problem with some people is that they look for love in the wrong places)?

 

[Warhammer]

The worst thing is when they claim that they are over it, but decide to try again a couple months later to see if things have changed.

Those people aren't humble enough to accept defeat. I used to be one of them who couldn't accept that some people just aren't attracted to each other and instead focused on what I could to make myself better.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Those people aren't humble enough to accept defeat. I used to be one of them who couldn't accept that some people just aren't attracted to each other and instead focused on what I could to make myself better.

In my case, it actually turned into a cycle. They would try again, I would say no, they would get over it so we could remain friends and then try again a couple months later, etc. So I had to cut them off completely.

 

[Warhammer]

In my case, it actually turned into a cycle. They would try again, I would say no, they would get over it so we could remain friends and then try again a couple months later, etc. So I had to cut them off completely.

So he was a friend? See, he should have followed what Erz said above. You either get over it and stay friends (which can be hard but is doable) or you cut ties and move on. I had to cut ties with one or two female friends because it got to the point where I wouldn't settle for less. I don't regret doing it and it actually made me more mature (eh, or maybe colder).

 

[teh Puffy]

Whats everyones opinion on wanting to dance with ladies or guys in the club and get to the point of kissing them? Is it wrong to kiss random ladies or guys in the club?

I do not think its wrong, in fact i believe if you can make a in my case a woman feel open enough for it, you should be a confident man. Sure, you can be scared they get around, but isn that for the thrill.

 

[Warhammer]

Whats everyones opinion on wanting to dance with ladies or guys in the club and get to the point of kissing them? Is it wrong to kiss random ladies or guys in the club?

I do not think its wrong, in fact i believe if you can make a in my case a woman feel open enough for it, you should be a confident man. Sure, you can be scared they get around, but isn that for the thrill.

There's nothing wrong with it if you're single. And umm, if they weren't kissing up on other random people before you.

My thing is, there are some groups of women who go to the club just to dance with themselves and deny dudes left and right. It's a no-win with them.

 

[SpideyVille]

So there's this new girl at my job. I'm not really interested in anything with her, nor am I looking to hook up with her or anything, but I've seen her around a few times and I can't but feel l should at least use it as an opportunity to just practice talking to someone. I definitely don't think that I'll have the same problem that I had with the other girl where she won't respond to me, because this girl doesn't seem like the shy type. But I'm also trying to learn from my past mistakes, starting with the fact that I'm not telling anyone that I work with that I plan to talk to this girl, and I'm not setting any outrageous expectations like wanting her to be the mother of my kids.

But once again, I run into the problem of her working on the other end of building, in the cubicle right in front of my boss's office and right next to HR.

 

[teh Puffy]

There's nothing wrong with it if you're single. And umm, if they weren't kissing up on other random people before you.

My thing is, there are some groups of women who go to the club just to dance with themselves and deny dudes left and right. It's a no-win with them.

Agreed.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

If you are friends with someone and you have feelings and they don't reciprocate, either stop talking to them and move on OR get over it and remain friends.

Yes, but this "anti-guys who get friend zoned" movement basically demonizes the guy for being disappointed about being "friend zoned" or turned down for another guy. Most girls that have turned me down, I've been able to "move on and remain friends", and in the cases that I can't, then I stop talking to them and move on. That doesn't make it disappointing when I see these same girls whine and cry about how they can't find a guy like me, when I've been available all along, but they continue to go for the guys that they know treat girls like crap, but hey, maybe it'll be different this time.

It basically says that the girl can never do any wrong, and the guy is wrong for 1.) having a crush on the girl and 2.) getting rejected by the girl.

And for some guys like me, moving on to those "millions of other women" is easier said than done, because out of those "million other women", that's about 1,000,000 more rejections waiting to happen.

 

[Erzengel]

Yes, but this "anti-guys who get friend zoned" movement basically demonizes the guy for being disappointed about being "friend zoned" or turned down for another guy. Most girls that have turned me down, I've been able to "move on and remain friends", and in the cases that I can't, then I stop talking to them and move on. That doesn't make it disappointing when I see these same girls whine and cry about how they can't find a guy like me, when I've been available all along, but they continue to go for the guys that they know treat girls like crap, but hey, maybe it'll be different this time.

It basically says that the girl can never do any wrong, and the guy is wrong for 1.) having a crush on the girl and 2.) getting rejected by the girl.

And for some guys like me, moving on to those "millions of other women" is easier said than done, because out of those "million other women", that's about 1,000,000 more rejections waiting to happen.

Anita and I have been saying this for a while.

Women aren't vending machines where you insert attention, gifts and compliments and they are required to reciprocate.

And this is something you have to realize, some girls who claim they want guys like you and end up with guys that treat them like crap, aren't exactly the best types of girls either. Are there guys who are abusive? Yes. But I think a lot of girls are smart enough to dump these types of guys. There are probably a good amount of girls who "exaggerate" that they are treated crappy. I'm sure if these a'hole guys were to tell you their side, maybe it's the girls' fault.

Lastly, it's also about attraction. Hate to say this, but when girls say someone like you but not you? They mean someone who they are attracted to you whether it's physical, mental, emotional etc.

Men aren't interchangeable. Just because a girl is single, doesn't mean just cause you're a guy and interested, you should date.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Anita and I have been saying this for a while.

Women aren't vending machines where you insert attention, gifts and compliments and they are required to reciprocate.

And this is something you have to realize, some girls who claim they want guys like you and end up with guys that treat them like crap, aren't exactly the best types of girls either. Are there guys who are abusive? Yes. But I think a lot of girls are smart enough to dump these types of guys. There are probably a good amount of girls who "exaggerate" that they are treated crappy. I'm sure if these a'hole guys were to tell you their side, maybe it's the girls' fault.

Lastly, it's also about attraction. Hate to say this, but when girls say someone like you but not you? They mean someone who they are attracted to you whether it's physical, mental, emotional etc.

Men aren't interchangeable. Just because a girl is single, doesn't mean just cause you're a guy and interested, you should date.

I never said otherwise.

Another fallacy of the "demonize guys who complain about the friend zone" agenda, that we believe that women are some kind of mathematical formula that "if X = gift, then Y = relationship"

Nobody said that. I for one never once believed that.

 

[Erzengel]

I never said otherwise.

Another fallacy of the "demonize guys who complain about the friend zone" agenda, that we believe that women are some kind of mathematical formula that "if X = gift, then Y = relationship"

Nobody said that. I for one never once believed that.

Yes, but this "anti-guys who get friend zoned" movement basically demonizes the guy for being disappointed about being "friend zoned" or turned down for another guy. Most girls that have turned me down, I've been able to "move on and remain friends", and in the cases that I can't, then I stop talking to them and move on. That doesn't make it disappointing when I see these same girls whine and cry about how they can't find a guy like me, when I've been available all along, but they continue to go for the guys that they know treat girls like crap, but hey, maybe it'll be different this time.

It basically says that the girl can never do any wrong, and the guy is wrong for 1.) having a crush on the girl and 2.) getting rejected by the girl.

And for some guys like me, moving on to those "millions of other women" is easier said than done, because out of those "million other women", that's about 1,000,000 more rejections waiting to happen.

The bolded part says otherwise.

If you complain about how female friends or girls in general whine and cry about how they can't find a guy like me, when you've been available all along, pretty much says that you think guys are interchangeable.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

No, it means that I don't want to hear your complaining about wanting a guy with my qualities, but not finding it, if you're not wanting to date me.

The "demonize the friend zoned" campaign works off the fallacy that I believe the girl is somehow "wrong" for not dating me.

She can be attracted to or not attracted to whoever she wants. But I don't want to hear about it if you're going to constantly make the same mistakes and pursue the same types of dudes that you complain about treating you like crap.

I mean... if you say you are looking for certain qualities, but turn away when someone having those qualities comes along... then who's problem is that? Not mine. Maybe you're not looking for the qualities you say you are afterall...