The Temple of Doomed Relationships

[SpideyVille]

On a more serious note, might I re-emphasize the necessity of standing up for yourself and making your long-term needs heard in a relationship before taking things down a very serious path?

One of my friends is pregnant, and has been depressed pretty much the whole time. I was trying to give her a pep talk (as I'm wont to do) and she just told me that her husband lied when he said he wanted to try having kids soon. He's been railing at HER for the past 5 months about their predicament. No wonder why she's been in such a bad place mentally and emotionally.

They're both extremely religious (figures, right?) and I don't think they took the consequences of sex seriously enough. On top of that, the husband didn't want to do any premarital counseling and he doesn't even talk to her about working out this whole becoming-a-parent thing. Isn't that what the whole friggin' point of marriage is, working things out instead of pretending that their problems are magically going to go away? Or blaming the other person when you damn well know it's partly your fault too?

Unfortunately I know she'll blame herself if the marriage fails, because of the whole religion thing. And of course this is not a family situation that's good for any kid coming into this world. This is exactly why I give money to Planned Parenthood - I know she doesn't believe in abortion, but I don't think she's nutty enough to say no to condoms and BC, which Planned Parenthood makes cheap and available. No child deserves parents in a situation like that.

So yeah, don't just gleefully get hooked to the first person who's willing to drop their pants for you. Talk things out first!

Back when I was in church, I knew a few girls who got pregnant and the fathers usually split right away. This includes the girl that I liked who initially was the one who brought me there. I've noticed that in most to those cases, it was just the girl who was "religious" while the guy was just pretending to be because they knew how much it meant to the girl.

And if I recall correctly, there is a strong belief that condoms should never be used because its looked at as an attempt of trying to control fate. Meaning that if God wanted you to have a child, you're going to have it and by using a condom, you're trying to prevent a child from being born. This is why they are especially strict about being in relationships and having sex before marriage. Its not so much because its looked at as a sin because that can be forgiven, but rather because there can be serious consequences like pregnancy, which would cause even more mental consequences if the mother decides to abort.

I know quite a few couples who broke up after they just had a baby. It really didn't have to do with religion, more so the guy not understanding the severity and consequences of their actions.

It was usually followed by the "I love you but I'm not in love with you excuse."

Some of the guys bolted even right before their wives had the children.

Yeah, my dad was one of these guys. He had a few children before me with other women and we my mom got pregnant, he wanted her to get an abortion because he didn't want any more children.

Ironically enough, he stopped showing up as often when I was born because he was seeing another woman. He eventually got her pregnant after she lost her virginity to him and he was forced to marry her because of her parents.

 

[terry78]

Unfortunately it's just way too easy for dudes to leave once they find out about her having a kid. As much as we try to make it frowned upon for a man to do it in society, it ain't really deterred them.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Are you able to scrounge up enough to go on dates? You might be able to find someone that understands the situation.

I probably could, but I'm the kind of guy who can't have a good time if he has something looming over his head. I'd rather save my money for things like paying bills, food, and child support.

You've just finished school and don't have a job yet... So?

You're not a 40 year old eating tuna out of a can and dancing on the street for money!

It's not as much of a put off as your thinking

I'm not as young as you think. I'll be 42 this year. That combined with the unemployment and living situation has kind of put me off from approaching any woman. Even if I do find a job, I'll still be living with my mom till she passes away. Too many road blocks to a decent relationship right now. I should just focus on taking care of my mom, and whenever I feel lonely come on here and moan about my situation. It seems to help.

 

[Spider-Fan83]

I had a shot with a cougar last night...

I ended up turning (a sure thing) down, cause Im kinda in a situation with this other girl (not that I am the type of guy that hooks up with drunk cougars, anyway) but now I wondering if I should of just went for it

I am just not sure what to make of things with this other girl, things aren't really "official" with us, yet

we've been talking about dating for awhile now, but, we've yet to actually go out on a "first date" (we did make plans together for a weekend next month, so, I don't know if that makes things official or not)
I really do want to make things work with her. but, we've been going back and forth trying to make plans for a couple of months now (I haven't even seen her in those two months) it shouldn't be this hard to get together (if with both want too)

the funny thing is
I wasn't even looking to get with anyone... she was the one who came on to me

I've been taking a break from the dating scene, since my ex (tho, that was nearly two years ago) so, it probably is time to move on

I don't know if there's really a question in there, more just getting things off my chest (so, thanks for reading, if you did) any comments or advice would still be welcomed, I guess

 

[SuperMike335!!]

My friend and I had a strange discussion about what is the most appropriate amount of time for cuddling. I personally hate cuddling it's cute for like a few minutes but after that it's like get off me I'm tired and I don't want you breathing all over me. Sometimes I think old television shows had the right idea with the separate beds. So I pretty much said about 10-15 minutes. What do you guys think?

I'm glad you asked.

Cuddling for too long, while physically comforting for many women, is not exactly a huge turn on. So you are perfectly normal there. Your brain gets its fix of "cuddle" endorphins pretty fast. After a 10-15 minutes, you are both overheating, and the skin on skin no longer feels great but is more or an irritation.

Sleeping in different beds can be a very useful way to re-ignite sexual tension in a relationship where two people have got "roommate syndrome". Where they are too over exposed to each other, and they are becoming more like brothers and sisters and best friends. This is not a good situation.

When this happens both people need to find different hobbies, spend more time apart and in different rooms when under the same roof. Over exposure can kill sex drive.

When I was younger, I had a girl friend who I had been with for over a year, and we were together almost all the time. After a while I hardly wanted to have sex any more. There was one time where she approached me, and we started making out, and I had a, um "problem". Keep in mind I was only 22 at the time and in good health. Now this worried me a great deal, as it should any guy. Well, very soon after I went on a fishing trip with some buddies for a week, in an area with no cell reception.

When I got back from the fishing trip, all of the sudden I was extremely aroused, and things were back to reinforced concrete pylon, as any healthy 22 year should be having quite easily.

The original problem was that being around her too much was killing my attraction to her. After figuring it out we cut down on spending so much time together. Sure we were only really intimately together about 3x a week, but the quality was much improved, and we enjoyed our time together much more.

Over exposure can easily lower attraction.

Time apart does strengthen the heart, and other things...

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I had a shot with a cougar last night...

I ended up turning (a sure thing) down, cause Im kinda in a situation with this other girl (not that I am the type of guy that hooks up with drunk cougars, anyway) but now I wondering if I should of just went for it

I am just not sure what to make of things with this other girl, things aren't really "official" with us, yet

we've been talking about dating for awhile now, but, we've yet to actually go out on a "first date" (we did make plans together for a weekend next month, so, I don't know if that makes things official or not)
I really do want to make things work with her. but, we've been going back and forth trying to make plans for a couple of months now (I haven't even seen her in those two months) it shouldn't be this hard to get together (if with both want too)

the funny thing is
I wasn't even looking to get with anyone... she was the one who came on to me

I've been taking a break from the dating scene, since my ex (tho, that was nearly two years ago) so, it probably is time to move on

I don't know if there's really a question in there, more just getting things off my chest (so, thanks for reading, if you did) any comments or advice would still be welcomed, I guess

Be more descriptive than "cougar".

Was she hot?

What kind of age difference are we talking about?

 

[Spider-Fan83]

Be more descriptive than "cougar".

Was she hot?

What kind of age difference are we talking about?

yes, she was hot

and those she described herself as being much older then me, I never got her exact age, an it was kinda hard to tell cause she didn't look that old

I'd probably say 40s maybe (based on her self description) so, about 15-20 years older then me

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Saw a really pretty lady at Wal-Mart this evening. Black hair, wearing tight work out pants, totally smoking. I went into the frozen foods section where she was just for a better look. I even made eye contact with her, and she smiled and excused herself for being in my way. Just as I was about to make a funny comment of some sort, I went over my current situation in my head: Unemployed and living with my mom.

So I turned around, walked to the self-checkout, paid for my things, and left the store.

You've just finished school and don't have a job yet... So?

You're not a 40 year old eating tuna out of a can and dancing on the street for money!

It's not as much of a put off as your thinking

What hopeful here has pointed out, is the power of a technique known as the "re-frame".

You "just finished school", you are in a situation now where you have a lot of options, and have not decided yet exactly what you want to do, but the hard part is out of the way and you have a ton of opportunities. You are a serious catch because as a man who just finished his education, a woman needs to get with you fast, because as soon as you have your career and own house she may not have that opportunity anymore.

That is how you want to "re-frame" your situation. So you are a limited time special offer, who clearly will not be on the market long, and if she passes this one up will not get another chance.

Always play to your strengths. In fact you don't even need to tell this woman much about you anyway. There very fact that you were too afraid to go for it because of your living situation tells me that you are in the mind set of selling yourself too her. You should have an "impress me" attitude.

That re-frame of a limited time offer should be more your internal state of mind. Little bits and pieces will slip out that way. She should pick up from that you are this special limited time offer, without you having to directly say that.

Also remember, no matter anything else, how ever much you stick your foot in your mouth, stammer, forget your own name etc... You should still take the shot at getting her number.

Wayne Gretzky:

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Saw a really pretty lady at Wal-Mart this evening. Black hair, wearing tight work out pants, totally smoking. I went into the frozen foods section where she was just for a better look. I even made eye contact with her, and she smiled and excused herself for being in my way. Just as I was about to make a funny comment of some sort, I went over my current situation in my head: Unemployed and living with my mom.

So I turned around, walked to the self-checkout, paid for my things, and left the store.

Could always pull a George Costanza, be up front and unapoligetic about it. My brother is in his late 20's, unemployed, living with our parents, but found a girlfriend.

I probably could, but I'm the kind of guy who can't have a good time if he has something looming over his head. I'd rather save my money for things like paying bills, food, and child support.

I'm not as young as you think. I'll be 42 this year. That combined with the unemployment and living situation has kind of put me off from approaching any woman. Even if I do find a job, I'll still be living with my mom till she passes away. Too many road blocks to a decent relationship right now. I should just focus on taking care of my mom, and whenever I feel lonely come on here and moan about my situation. It seems to help.

This sounds like you're just making excuses for yourself, not just in regards to relationships, but your whole life. Why don't you work on getting yourself in a better situation, you don't seem to have much confidence that not only affects your relationship life, but also your chances of getting a job. Get a hobby, get in shape, do something that will boost your confidence and make you feel good about yourself, rather than just whining about it to the internet.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Okay, have a massive decision I need to make, wonder if you guys can give me an opinion.

As some of you know, i've been trying to move out of my backwards little town for a while now. Tried to save up but just can't do it on the wages available around here. Tried getting a loan, but again, don't earn quite enough money for the bank to justify it.

My best friend in the whole world has just come into quite a lot of inheritance. She's just messaged me saying that there is 3 grand of it that she needs to save for 3 years, and is just going to sit in the bank doing nothing until then.

She's offered it to me, and for me to pay it back at 80 pounds a month until then, just to get me out of here and started in the city.

I have no idea what to say

She trusts me so completely. We've been best friends since we were 10 years old, and been through a lot together.

But I know that money can screw up so many relationships, and I can't bear the thought of loosing her.

My mum pointed out that I can always get a loan further down the line if neccesary, because I will have that option later on. So it might not be that much of a risk.

But at the same time, I'm the kind of person who has never scrounged a penny, worked hard for everything I have, moved out of home as soon as I finished school... I don't know if I can build my future on a handout.

But if I say yes... I can just go! My future, my dreams, everything that I've so passionately and patiently been waiting to happen could happen.

What the hell do I do?

 

[Erzengel]

When you were researching how much to move out on your own, how much money did you feel you needed to start off with?

 

[steintym]

yes, she was hot

and those she described herself as being much older then me, I never got her exact age, an it was kinda hard to tell cause she didn't look that old

I'd probably say 40s maybe (based on her self description) so, about 15-20 years older then me

When I was 25 I hooked up with a 40 year old that I worked with. We were "friends" for a couple of years, but I never let it become a true, committed relationship. I had a lot of fun, but after awhile the age difference did get to me. It was a cool experience, felt like the whole Mrs. Robinson thing.

 

[bullets]

I had a shot with a cougar last night...

I ended up turning (a sure thing) down, cause Im kinda in a situation with this other girl (not that I am the type of guy that hooks up with drunk cougars, anyway) but now I wondering if I should of just went for it

I am just not sure what to make of things with this other girl, things aren't really "official" with us, yet

we've been talking about dating for awhile now, but, we've yet to actually go out on a "first date" (we did make plans together for a weekend next month, so, I don't know if that makes things official or not)
I really do want to make things work with her. but, we've been going back and forth trying to make plans for a couple of months now (I haven't even seen her in those two months) it shouldn't be this hard to get together (if with both want too)

the funny thing is
I wasn't even looking to get with anyone... she was the one who came on to me

I've been taking a break from the dating scene, since my ex (tho, that was nearly two years ago) so, it probably is time to move on

I don't know if there's really a question in there, more just getting things off my chest (so, thanks for reading, if you did) any comments or advice would still be welcomed, I guess

I don't know all the circumstances but not being able to schedule a date within two months is really strange to me. I'm seeing a girl now that has a hectic schedule but we still manage to at least hang out , even if it's just for an hour. I would say don't put all your eggs in one basket with this girl. Your still technically single and can do what you want. This girl might not work out and you'll probably look back thinking about what you could of done.

I probably could, but I'm the kind of guy who can't have a good time if he has something looming over his head. I'd rather save my money for things like paying bills, food, and child support.

That's understandable. I stayed away from relationships in 2011 for a different reason but as time went on I got lonely and decided I needed to put myself out there again. I think you can make the best out of a bad situation

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I'm not as young as you think. I'll be 42 this year. That combined with the unemployment and living situation has kind of put me off from approaching any woman. Even if I do find a job, I'll still be living with my mom till she passes away. Too many road blocks to a decent relationship right now. I should just focus on taking care of my mom, and whenever I feel lonely come on here and moan about my situation. It seems to help.

that sounds like me, only i'm 20, angry at the world, alone, and searching for my writer's voice.

What hopeful here has pointed out, is the power of a technique known as the "re-frame".

Can someone who's in the middle of college 're-frame' himself?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

When you were researching how much to move out on your own, how much money did you feel you needed to start off with?

It was 3 and a half grand, to see me for 3 months while I looked for a job. That was before I looked at prices for bedsits and houseshares... They're about half the money I thought they'd be (cheaper than where I live, which is apparently very overpriced cause it's a seaside town in the country - I just had no idea and assumed cities woud be more expensive).

It just seems like the answer to everything I've bee searching for... I guess I'm just scared of screwing it up

 

[Anita18]

I know quite a few couples who broke up after they just had a baby. It really didn't have to do with religion, more so the guy not understanding the severity and consequences of their actions.

It was usually followed by the "I love you but I'm not in love with you excuse."

Some of the guys bolted even right before their wives had the children.

That's lame. That's REALLY lame.

My friends who asked me to be godmother to their daughter, when they found out they were having twins, the dad freaked out for probably a week. But he manned up and he's doing his part. Because they're his children. And despite them not being seriously religious, they do take their marriage vows seriously.

Honestly, whenever I start caring for someone (and I'm not stretching the truth when I say it's very, VERY rarely) I start caring too much. To the point where, like the girl I've been talking about here, it feels as though it's being wasted and that I sure as hell deserve to care that way for someone who cares back. Otherwise there's no point in it at all right? Is that too selfish, or self-deceiving? The strong way I feel about her matters more than just sexual attractiveness, more than any of the other **** people say are "important to get the girl" - **** that. What I feel should be worth more than that. And if the women I keep falling for can't see that, then it's their loss. I'd give away my world for her (whoever she is), but she has to be more than someone who's foolin around, right?

Or, again, am I just beating around the bush and should just get some backbone? :S

No, I agree. And you do have a backbone, you want something more instead of just waiting on some girl hand and foot with no expectations.

Now to make that backbone solid, you need to be ready to leave if you don't get what you want.

Back when I was in church, I knew a few girls who got pregnant and the fathers usually split right away. This includes the girl that I liked who initially was the one who brought me there. I've noticed that in most to those cases, it was just the girl who was "religious" while the guy was just pretending to be because they knew how much it meant to the girl.

And if I recall correctly, there is a strong belief that condoms should never be used because its looked at as an attempt of trying to control fate. Meaning that if God wanted you to have a child, you're going to have it and by using a condom, you're trying to prevent a child from being born. This is why they are especially strict about being in relationships and having sex before marriage. Its not so much because its looked at as a sin because that can be forgiven, but rather because there can be serious consequences like pregnancy, which would cause even more mental consequences if the mother decides to abort.

I haven't got into the nitty gritty details about my friend's situation. I figure she's deeply regretting the situation already, and I don't want to twist the knife more. The hubby sounds like a genuine crazy religious type raised by crazy evangelical parents, while she's a little more sane. Obviously condoms are the guy's responsibility so if he doesn't want to use them, the woman will have to take matters into her own hands. There are various reasons for women to take BC, not just for actual BC purposes. If hubby found them, she could have made up some story about them preventing cramps.

But it's all too late now. Hubby lied about wanting to have kids, they don't believe in abortion, she isn't looking forward to motherhood...the only thing that could save this is if they take their marriage vows seriously and have a sit-down about it all. Hopefully they can get that done before the baby arrives...

Okay, have a massive decision I need to make, wonder if you guys can give me an opinion.

As some of you know, i've been trying to move out of my backwards little town for a while now. Tried to save up but just can't do it on the wages available around here. Tried getting a loan, but again, don't earn quite enough money for the bank to justify it.

My best friend in the whole world has just come into quite a lot of inheritance. She's just messaged me saying that there is 3 grand of it that she needs to save for 3 years, and is just going to sit in the bank doing nothing until then.

She's offered it to me, and for me to pay it back at 80 pounds a month until then, just to get me out of here and started in the city.

I have no idea what to say

She trusts me so completely. We've been best friends since we were 10 years old, and been through a lot together.

But I know that money can screw up so many relationships, and I can't bear the thought of loosing her.

My mum pointed out that I can always get a loan further down the line if neccesary, because I will have that option later on. So it might not be that much of a risk.

But at the same time, I'm the kind of person who has never scrounged a penny, worked hard for everything I have, moved out of home as soon as I finished school... I don't know if I can build my future on a handout.

But if I say yes... I can just go! My future, my dreams, everything that I've so passionately and patiently been waiting to happen could happen.

What the hell do I do?

Don't feel bad about it - many people got started with a loan by a benevolent sponsor.

But you really do have to write down what you're going to do to repay her. Offer her interest if you wish. Take it really seriously, because as you said, if you mess this up, it may very well ruin your friendship.

that sounds like me, only i'm 20, angry at the world, alone, and searching for my writer's voice.

Can someone who's in the middle of college 're-frame' himself?

Can't see why not.

 

[Erzengel]

I think the biggest thing would to make sure you didn't screw it and managed everything in a way that wouldn't put you in that position. Try and have a job in place before you move. And see if 80 a month extra is doable.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Could always pull a George Costanza, be up front and unapoligetic about it. My brother is in his late 20's, unemployed, living with our parents, but found a girlfriend.

Very true. No harm in trying I suppose.

This sounds like you're just making excuses for yourself, not just in regards to relationships, but your whole life. Why don't you work on getting yourself in a better situation, you don't seem to have much confidence that not only affects your relationship life, but also your chances of getting a job. Get a hobby, get in shape, do something that will boost your confidence and make you feel good about yourself, rather than just whining about it to the internet.

Oh I have confidence. Just lately it's taken a bit of a hit. Moving in with your mom and losing your job does that sort of thing. You are right, whining about it won't do much.

Just not too sure how to handle the situation with my mom. She really should be in a nursing home or at least in assisted living, but refuses to go. I won't leave her by herself, because even when I am here, she has a tendency to get into trouble. At least when I'm here I can fix whatever she's done. Trying to start a relationship with a woman in the middle of all that is probably doomed to failure.

I do need to get back into my workout routine, though. Kind of tired of the 8 extra lbs I've picked up over the holidays. I think I'll start on that today.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Don't feel bad about it - many people got started with a loan by a benevolent sponsor.

But you really do have to write down what you're going to do to repay her. Offer her interest if you wish. Take it really seriously, because as you said, if you mess this up, it may very well ruin your friendship.
.

Yeah that's how I've left it with her. Just said I need to really think about it seriously because she means a lot to me and I couldn't take her money willy nilly.

I think the biggest thing would to make sure you didn't screw it and managed everything in a way that wouldn't put you in that position. Try and have a job in place before you move. And see if 80 a month extra is doable.

Well all of last year I was paying 88 a month for an open university course in creative writing, along with a few other bills and debts I have... And I managed that on a wage of 12,000 a year. In the city, the exact same job I do, would pay 16,500...

So I think it's definitely doable

 

[Lord Valumart]

You guys are going to know this. Whats the formula for finding out how young a person you're allowed to date. It's like half your age then add something right? I've been wondering what it was all day...

 

[Spider-Fan83]

I don't know all the circumstances but not being able to schedule a date within two months is really strange to me....

glad I am not lone on thinking that

tho, I admit some of that lost time was partly on me as there was a week or so gap where I just stop calling (after we met an she said too call/give me her number) I tried calling her a few times that week, first it was just that she was working and couldn't talk(an she did reply saying so) but, then she stop replying altogether the next couple times I tried call/texting that week (so I stopped calling to not come across to stalkerish/ an to give her a chance to get back to me) which I didn't hear back from her

it actually wasn't until Christmas that I heard from her again (I send out a mass text to everyone on the contact list, just saying "merry Christmas" not even thinking about) an she reply back with a "who is this?" at first I assumed she must of deleted my number
later I found out her phone was just not working right, an she couldn't see the name on texts or even see full text all the time

 

[Erzengel]

You guys are going to know this. Whats the formula for finding out how young a person you're allowed to date. It's like half your age then add something right? I've been wondering what it was all day...

Half your age plus 7.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

You guys are going to know this. Whats the formula for finding out how young a person you're allowed to date. It's like half your age then add something right? I've been wondering what it was all day...

I remember being told you have to halve your age and then add 50% of your original age back on, I think they were mucking me about, although I was heavily drunk at the time and didn't figure out (until the next day) that actually made my original age again...

 

[Lord Valumart]

Half your age plus 7.

Thank you. Was thinking about that all bloody day.

 

[Spider-Fan83]

You guys are going to know this. Whats the formula for finding out how young a person you're allowed to date. It's like half your age then add something right? I've been wondering what it was all day...

depends on the legal age of consent in your area
most commonly 18 in US (some states 16 with parental consent)
other countries maybe be 15-16

but as long as both party's are of legal age... there is no real set rule, just personally opinions

Half your age plus 7.

interesting never heard that formula