The Temple of Doomed Relationships

[amazingfantasy15]

It was 3 and a half grand, to see me for 3 months while I looked for a job. That was before I looked at prices for bedsits and houseshares... They're about half the money I thought they'd be (cheaper than where I live, which is apparently very overpriced cause it's a seaside town in the country - I just had no idea and assumed cities woud be more expensive).

It just seems like the answer to everything I've bee searching for... I guess I'm just scared of screwing it up

You really need to plan on more than 3 months to find a job. I probably wouldn't move until I had a job set up already. Last year my girlfriend got her dream job, but it required us to move across the country, luckily due to the nature of my job and my employers seeing my value to the company I was able to work from home. I still looked for a new job in my new city, it took 4-5 months to just get an interview, incredibly that interview got me the job, but thining in 3 months I'll have a job, might be pretty shortsighted.

 

[Lord Valumart]

depends on the legal age of consent in your area
most commonly 18 in US (some states 16 with parental consent)
other countries maybe be 15-16

but as long as both party's are of legal age... there is no real set rule, just personally opinions

Yeh, it's not like I'm using it as a guide. There was something on the radio that made me think about it and I couldn't remember exactly what it was and it annoyed me.

 

[steintym]

You really need to plan on more than 3 months to find a job. I probably wouldn't move until I had a job set up already. Last year my girlfriend got her dream job, but it required us to move across the country, luckily due to the nature of my job and my employers seeing my value to the company I was able to work from home. I still looked for a new job in my new city, it took 4-5 months to just get an interview, incredibly that interview got me the job, but thining in 3 months I'll have a job, might be pretty shortsighted.

I agree about finding a job first, or at the very least, have some strong leads.

Three months can fly by, especially with a move involved.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

yes, she was hot

and those she described herself as being much older then me, I never got her exact age, an it was kinda hard to tell cause she didn't look that old

I'd probably say 40s maybe (based on her self description) so, about 15-20 years older then me

If so you should have gone for it. Most of the cougars I've met have not really been what I call hot, but if you do come across a hot one, I say go for it.

Don't worry about what some other girl who you are not really in a relationship would think about it. Worrying what some girl thinks is the path of the fail-side.

Can someone who's in the middle of college 're-frame' himself?

Nave, I'm Glad you asked!

You certainly can. You're now an ambitious man who is well on his way to accomplishing his goals, and you will not let anything get in your way.

You’re now so consumed with your ambition that a girl has to work hard to make herself available to get with you, as you are likely going to be way out of her league soon if she does not do anything under her power to get you soon. Again, you internalize this, and you indirectly show it. Let her know this through actions that indicate your high value.

Since you are a high value man, driven by his ambition and future, you are in a position to demand a girl impress you, and make her qualify herself to you. Since you are busy she has to meet you on your terms, when you chose to give her a moment of your valuable time.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I dunno, the last girl pretty much sent me to a field of depression and self-assessment. And it's very true - I need to get my Alpha skills up if I ever expect to be loved by the girls I fall for.... I'm still in school so I guess the job bit isn't that hard (and hell, I'm living in a third-world country where poverty is pretty much the norm) but as a freelance writer I get around so I guess that's something. Not that it helps with the women here though.

Honestly, whenever I start caring for someone (and I'm not stretching the truth when I say it's very, VERY rarely) I start caring too much. To the point where, like the girl I've been talking about here, it feels as though it's being wasted and that I sure as hell deserve to care that way for someone who cares back. Otherwise there's no point in it at all right? Is that too selfish, or self-deceiving? The strong way I feel about her matters more than just sexual attractiveness, more than any of the other **** people say are "important to get the girl" - **** that. What I feel should be worth more than that. And if the women I keep falling for can't see that, then it's their loss. I'd give away my world for her (whoever she is), but she has to be more than someone who's foolin around, right?

Or, again, am I just beating around the bush and should just get some backbone? :S

I have to ask, are these girls you've gone out with? Have you gotten to a stage where you're in a real relationship and they bolt for no real reason? If the answer to the first question is no, then you need to work on not getting attached so soon, it's tough, but it'll really help. If you haven't gone out or have only gone out once or twice, she really doesn't owe you anything, dating is finding out if you care for the person or not. If the answer to the second question is yes and it's happened fairly often, look at what happened and try to find out where things went wrong and not let those same things happen again.

glad I am not lone on thinking that

tho, emitlly some of that lost time was partly on me as there was a week or so gap where I just stop trying two call... (after we met an she said too call give me her number) I tryed calling her a few times that week, first it was just that she was working and couldn't talk(an she did reply saying so) but, then she stop replying altogether the next couple times I tried call/texting that week (so I stopped calling to not come across to stalkerish/ an to give her a chance to give back to me) which I did hear back from her

it actually wasn't until Christmas that I heard from her again (I said out a mass text to everyone on the contact list, just saying "merry Christmas" not even thinking about) I she reply back with a "who is this?" at first I assumed she must of deleted my number
later I found out her phone was just not working right, an she couldn't see the name on texts or even see full text all the time

Sounds like she's making excuses to me, if she really liked you, you would've had a date by now. The phone not working right was a total excuse for her to save face.

 

[bullets]

glad I am not lone on thinking that

tho, emitlly some of that lost time was partly on me as there was a week or so gap where I just stop trying two call... (after we met an she said too call give me her number) I tryed calling her a few times that week, first it was just that she was working and couldn't talk(an she did reply saying so) but, then she stop replying altogether the next couple times I tried call/texting that week (so I stopped calling to not come across to stalkerish/ an to give her a chance to give back to me) which I did hear back from her

it actually wasn't until Christmas that I heard from her again (I said out a mass text to everyone on the contact list, just saying "merry Christmas" not even thinking about) I she reply back with a "who is this?" at first I assumed she must of deleted my number
later I found out her phone was just not working right, an she couldn't see the name on texts or even see full text all the time

I think amazinfantasy15 is right. She might just be keeping you on the back burner. I would just keep an open line of communication but at the same time explore other options.

 

[Spider-Fan83]

^ I really don't want to believe that about her (gained that's what I said about my ex)
I'm offend to quick to give people the benefit of the doubt, an this has came back to bit me in the past...

an at the first sign of her asking anything of me, that I do feel comfortable with, I'll start to question things more...

but, at the moment she has nothing to gain from making such excuses


an on a separate note...

would it be a dick move to use the for mentioned events of being hit on by said cougar (tho, probably wouldn't describer her as much to her) to confront her about where we are or what were doing

just tell her that I turned down another woman, out of respect and loyalty to her, but that it just got me questioning where we were

 

[DV8]

glad I am not lone on thinking that

tho, emitlly some of that lost time was partly on me as there was a week or so gap where I just stop trying two call... (after we met an she said too call give me her number) I tryed calling her a few times that week, first it was just that she was working and couldn't talk(an she did reply saying so) but, then she stop replying altogether the next couple times I tried call/texting that week (so I stopped calling to not come across to stalkerish/ an to give her a chance to give back to me) which I did hear back from her

it actually wasn't until Christmas that I heard from her again (I said out a mass text to everyone on the contact list, just saying "merry Christmas" not even thinking about) I she reply back with a "who is this?" at first I assumed she must of deleted my number
later I found out her phone was just not working right, an she couldn't see the name on texts or even see full text all the time

how long ago did you meet her?

and you are planning on going out when again? seems like an awful long time to wait around for somebody . . . if she flakes out again, don't call her anymore, MOVE ON

and IMO, you shouldn't be "waiting around" anyway; start talking to other girls, LOTS of girls . . . get back into the swing of dating; you should never take a one at a time approach with women unless you're in a committed relationship; and that should not come until AFTER several dates, sex, and all that stuff

 

[DV8]

^ I really don't want to believe that about her (gained that's what I said about my ex)
I'm offend to quick to give people the benefit of the doubt, an this has came back to bit me in the past...

an at the first sign of her asking anything of me, that I do feel comfortable with, I'll start to question things more...

but, at the moment she has nothing to gain from making such excuses


an on a separate note...

would it be a dick move to use the for mentioned events of being hit on by said cougar (tho, probably wouldn't describer her as much to her) to confront her about where we are or what were doing

just tell her that I turned down another woman, out of respect and loyalty to her, but that it just got me questioning where we were

no, no, no, no, no . . .

look, chicks make excuses for all kinds of dumb ass reasons; mostly so they don't have to feel bad about what they're doing; they also like to keep guys "on the line" to use at their disposal to make them feel better about themselves; using you to boost their self esteem . . . don't be her pin cushion; if she really wanted to go on a date, there would've been nothing stopping her . . . her effort is not matching yours, DO NOT short change yourself

don't bring up the other woman specifically, it's not worth it; you are not in a relationship with this chick, so you don't owe her respect and loyalty, and she doesn't owe you a date; you are putting her on a pedestal for NOTHING right now . . .

BUT, do let her know that you're tired of hearing excuses more or less, not necessarily in those words; let her know you have better **** to do than to waste your time on these dates that never happen, and like I said, if she cancels again, forget about her

 

[AndThePickles]

Spider fan, she's pretty blatantly not interested, based on the phone stories you just told us about. Don't waste your time, find someone else.

 

[DV8]

yeah, SpiderFan see if you can go find that cougar again Lol

 

[amazingfantasy15]

^ I really don't want to believe that about her (gained that's what I said about my ex)
I'm offend to quick to give people the benefit of the doubt, an this has came back to bit me in the past...

an at the first sign of her asking anything of me, that I do feel comfortable with, I'll start to question things more...

but, at the moment she has nothing to gain from making such excuses

an on a separate note...

would it be a dick move to use the for mentioned events of being hit on by said cougar (tho, probably wouldn't describer her as much to her) to confront her about where we are or what were doing

just tell her that I turned down another woman, out of respect and loyalty to her, but that it just got me questioning where we were

What respect do you owe her? You haven't even been on a date yet. There is nothing going on right now. Where are you? Nowhere, you can't be anywhere without a first date.

A few years ago, I went out with a girl, thought she was really cool, asked her out again and she said yes, when I called to confirm plans she didn't pick up. A couple days later she called, said she wasn't sure if she was ready to date again as she just broke up with her boyfriend. I said it was fine, when you are ready, you've got my number. Didn't wait for her to call again, frankly didn't think she would, but she did and we made plans for a second date about a month and a half after the first. Went to where we were meeting, she wasn't there, I called her and she said she was sick. It was a total sign of disrepect to not even call beforehand, so I just put her completely out of my mind. I think she tried to reach out once or twice more, but I never responded.

 

[Spider-Fan83]

no, no, no, no, no . . .

look, chicks make excuses for all kinds of dumb ass reasons; mostly so they don't have to feel bad about what they're doing; they also like to keep guys "on the line" to use at their disposal to make them feel better about themselves; using you to boost their self esteem . . . don't be her pin cushion;

I haven't been doing any of that for her, so again she has nothing to gain

I am not pined

Spider fan, she's pretty blatantly not interested, based on the phone stories you just told us about. Don't waste your time, find someone else.

that's just the thing shes been the one making the plans and who wants to date, I am not really wasting any time at all (other then the time I took to writing this) I've put very little effort into it

if it was a matter of her just not being interested, I would be fine with that... it seem like every time I start to just give up on things, she calls out of the blue

I feel like maybe I've painted her in a bad light
she seems to want to be in a dating/relationship situation but is hesitate
as she has mention to be just out of a bad relationship (which I can relate to, tho, I am not just out, it's been a while for me, but, still wasn't really looking) she just came into my life unexpectedly

it does mainly seem like she just misses doing couple stuff with her couple/married friends... any plan she has tried to make with me have been double dates, and plans she made ahead of time, back when she still had a BF

I should also mention
that I didn't just meet her, we went to school together (and she had a thing for me even back then, I knew, I just never acted) but didn't really keep in touch over the years, I only recently ran into her again, and that's when we started all this

 

[DV8]

What respect do you owe her? You haven't even been on a date yet. There is nothing going on right now. Where are you? Nowhere, you can't be anywhere without a first date.

A few years ago, I went out with a girl, thought she was really cool, asked her out again and she said yes, when I called to confirm plans she didn't pick up. A couple days later she called, said she wasn't sure if she was ready to date again as she just broke up with her boyfriend. I said it was fine, when you are ready, you've got my number. Didn't wait for her to call again, frankly didn't think she would, but she did and we made plans for a second date about a month and a half after the first. Went to where we were meeting, she wasn't there, I called her and she said she was sick. It was a total sign of disrepect to not even call beforehand, so I just put her completely out of my mind. I think she tried to reach out once or twice more, but I never responded.

ok, well be that as it may, take AmazingFantasy's example . . . the bottom line is she's flaking out on you; she's wasting your time; do not put up with that, your time is valuable

I haven't been doing any of that for her, so again she has nothing to gain

I am not pined


that's just the thing shes been the one making the plans and who wants to date, I am not really wasting any time at all (other then the time I took to writing this) I've put very little effort into it

if it was a matter of her just not being interested, I would be fine with that... it seem like every time I start to just give up on things, she calls out of the blue

I feel like maybe I've painted her in a bad light
she seems to want to be in a dating/relationship situation but is hesitate
as she has mention to be just out of a bad relationship (which I can relate to, tho, I am not just out, it's been a while for me, but, still wasn't really looking) she just came into my life unexpectedly

it does mainly seem like she just misses doing couple stuff with her couple/married friends... any plan she has tried to make with me have been double dates, and plans she made ahead of time, back when she still had a BF

I should also mention
that I didn't just meet her, we went to school together (and she had a thing for me even back then, I knew, I just never acted) but didn't really keep in touch over the years, I only recently ran into her again, and that's when we started all this

 

[hopefuldreamer]

You really need to plan on more than 3 months to find a job. I probably wouldn't move until I had a job set up already. Last year my girlfriend got her dream job, but it required us to move across the country, luckily due to the nature of my job and my employers seeing my value to the company I was able to work from home. I still looked for a new job in my new city, it took 4-5 months to just get an interview, incredibly that interview got me the job, but thining in 3 months I'll have a job, might be pretty shortsighted.

I know what your saying, but there's no way of me getting a job first.

It's a 4 hour (costing about £50 a time) journey away, and I have to give a months notice at my current job before I can take a day off. How would I keep getting up there for interviews?

The plan is to go into the offices of a recruitment agency that I'm already signed up with online, and see what they can do in terms of even temp work if neccesary.

I have office experience, can compentantly use most computer systems, and I have a degree in Journalism which involved modules in Law, PR, Media, Online Journalism, Radio, TV, Print, Sub Editing (page layout and design) etc. So there are plenty of areas I'm sure I'd be suitable for in an admin capacity at least.

Also, the other part of my job at the moment is telesales. Don't particularly want to do that anymore, but would take a similar job if neccesary.

Am also a very good bar person. Have been doing it since I was 18, and even managed one place. So I could even fall back on a job like that to get me through.

All that considered, am I still being naïve for thinking I could get some kind of job in three months? Maybe I am, I don't know

 

[Spider-Fan83]

honestly I kinda like where were at, right now

to use an example from an old episode of big bang theory I recent watched, its like Schrödinger's cat...
(I've been really into the bbt lately lol)
[YT]HCOE__N6v4o[/YT]

as of right now our potential relationship is nether dead or alive...

mean while I can say I am with someone, an use it as an excuse to not be out looking or trying with anyone else (which as I've said I really wasn't anyway before she came back into my life) before my excuse my ex, now its her (I'll take the idea of being in a potential relationship, over not being over what happen with my ex any day)

 

[Erzengel]

I have to agree with most of the people in this thread Spiderfan.

If she was so interested regardless if she keeps making plans and flaking on them, she would really make an attempt.

For someone who you don't seem to have dated, you seem to be letting her call the shots.

I wouldn't put any effort into this girl until she proves otherwise. Like ATP said, move on.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I know what your saying, but there's no way of me getting a job first.

It's a 4 hour (costing about £50 a time) journey away, and I have to give a months notice at my current job before I can take a day off. How would I keep getting up there for interviews?

The plan is to go into the offices of a recruitment agency that I'm already signed up with online, and see what they can do in terms of even temp work if neccesary.

I have office experience, can compentantly use most computer systems, and I have a degree in Journalism which involved modules in Law, PR, Media, Online Journalism, Radio, TV, Print, Sub Editing (page layout and design) etc. So there are plenty of areas I'm sure I'd be suitable for in an admin capacity at least.

Also, the other part of my job at the moment is telesales. Don't particularly want to do that anymore, but would take a similar job if neccesary.

Am also a very good bar person. Have been doing it since I was 18, and even managed one place. So I could even fall back on a job like that to get me through.

All that considered, am I still being naïve for thinking I could get some kind of job in three months? Maybe I am, I don't know

In the short 80-100 years you have on this rock, do you want to look back on your life and see that you always took the safe path, the easiest route?

You have to be willing to take risks, and you have to be willing to fail.

Go and follow your dreams.

Just make sure you push yourself. If you are motivated enough, and willing to do more than the next person in line.

Better yourself in every way you can. You said you are getting into shape, that's good, keep at it, stay motivated and disciplined, but you need to put the same motivation into all the other parts of your life as well.

There is a career out there for you, there is opportunity.

Do not make excuses, do not say you will "try".

Say you will succeed, and you will.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

honestly I kinda like where were at, right now

to use an example from an old episode of big bang theory I recent watched, its like Schrödinger's cat...
(I've been really into the bbt lately lol)

as of right now our potential relationship is nether dead or alive...

mean while I can say I am with someone, an use it as an excuse to not be out looking or trying with anyone else (which as I've said I really wasn't anyway before she came back into my life) before my excuse my ex, now its her (I'll take the idea of being in a potential relationship, over not being over what happen with my ex any day)

I'm giving this advice under the assumption you're a legal adult where you live.

Stop emotionally investing in everything so much. It’s not like if you fail with one girl you are not going to get more opportunities.

Stop making excuses. Go get numbers from more women, set up multiple dates a week, and for the love of everything, go have sex.

You're killing me here. Your "potential relationship"?

Guys out looking for relationships are failing from the start. Go out and try to get laid, if the girl is looking for a relationship at that point SHE will try to put you in a relationship.

Law of the jungle, women are the ones who want relationships, men want to get laid. Heck sometimes the girls just like to get laid.

By just easily offering yourself up for a relationship, you are making it too easy for her to get you, and THAT looks desperate, as if you have failed so much as getting laid you just want to secure yourself one girl, so you do not have to continue your grinding celibate dry spell.

Desperation and the groveling behavior, which you would find in your body language, speech pattern etc... is what is driving away girls, and why you are in this predicament.


What to do?

1. Stop actively trying to lock a girl into a relationship, girls hate being cornered.
2. Talk to at least 2 new women each day, to get a number. Over time you will have lots of numbers, and you will get good at it. The goal is to go for the number. Even if it turns out she has a boyfriend or whatever, you need to take the shot, as you lose 100% of the ones you do not take.
3. Set up dates, with the goal in mind to getting laid. If you really want a relationship, don’t worry about trying to lock her in, she will try to lock you in and do that part of the work for you, and don’t mess with the natural order or make it too easy for her. Make her chase you some.
4. Stop wasting your time investing in a girl who is OBVIOUSLY stringing you along to stroke her own ego. She had you on the line because you make her feel attractive, NOT because she is attracted to you. Ditch her.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

No, I agree. And you do have a backbone, you want something more instead of just waiting on some girl hand and foot with no expectations.

Now to make that backbone solid, you need to be ready to leave if you don't get what you want. [...]

Can't see why not.

Thanks Anita, thing is the main problem here is that I never explicitly told her I'm in love with her or anything like that, because, to be fair, I've known her for a year and I do enjoy her company a lot and she does too, but I've never seen anything concrete, any sort of mutual affection returned from her. Now, a part of me remains in disbelief, thinking that MAYBE and WHAT IF ... y'know, what if I confront her about it and her wall of hesitation breaks. But y'know what? Implicit meanings too are reliable. And I have to believe, for my sake, that since she doesn't take any steps to show her feelings that they really do not exist. Like you said, it's better to drop the chase.

Nave, I'm Glad you asked!

You certainly can. You're now an ambitious man who is well on his way to accomplishing his goals, and you will not let anything get in your way.

You’re now so consumed with your ambition that a girl has to work hard to make herself available to get with you, as you are likely going to be way out of her league soon if she does not do anything under her power to get you soon. Again, you internalize this, and you indirectly show it. Let her know this through actions that indicate your high value.

Since you are a high value man, driven by his ambition and future, you are in a position to demand a girl impress you, and make her qualify herself to you. Since you are busy she has to meet you on your terms, when you chose to give her a moment of your valuable time.

(bold for exactly what i needed to hear)

Those are actually some strong advice there, thanks! I'll by all means remember them. I'm usually good at internalising that, but what I fail at is being able to show it to her (or any one else for that matter). It comes off as a major demonstration of my not having any confidence at all. And I have to change that, not just for this girl or romance, but as an individual under any other circumstance.

I'm an altogether NICE GUY but I need to know how to keep that to myself and not go around flouting it like a goddamn superhero from the Silver Age.

I need to be able to demonstrate my self-worth, and I'm terrible at it.

Thanks for the advice Mike, it really helped.

I have to ask, are these girls you've gone out with? Have you gotten to a stage where you're in a real relationship and they bolt for no real reason? If the answer to the first question is no, then you need to work on not getting attached so soon, it's tough, but it'll really help. If you haven't gone out or have only gone out once or twice, she really doesn't owe you anything, dating is finding out if you care for the person or not. If the answer to the second question is yes and it's happened fairly often, look at what happened and try to find out where things went wrong and not let those same things happen again.

I know what you mean. The answer to that is both yes and no. No for this girl and the one before her, Yes for the last girl I was going out with. She had her own problems to rectify and it didn't work out in the end. The problem now is my utter lack of confidence, it only grew over the last two years when I wanted to leave Bangladesh and go study abroad. That failed for various of reasons, one girl I was really into managed to get the money and left then too, and I remember being a little disappointed then and I promised myself that I wouldn't try getting attached so soon with anyone unless there is anything concrete. When I met this girl (no. 3) I was determined to keep her at arms length because that's how vulnerable I'd felt. Needless to say, being a guy, that resolve broke down :P

She's still one of the most beautiful souls you can ever meet, but it isn't a sentiment she returns. That's hurtful to an extent, but if that is the case, I'm not going to just wait around and waste all that emotion on someone who doesn't deserve it. I'll take your advice as well - about not getting attached so easily (though come on, 1 year man! One whole year! I should've kept my damned resolve). Do I still care for her? Profoundly. Am I willing to cut those feelings off because I know it's going no where? Absolutely.

Any suggestions for how I ought to act in order to reconcile that paradox?

Sounds like she's making excuses to me, if she really liked you, you would've had a date by now. The phone not working right was a total excuse for her to save face.[/QUOTE]

Spider-Fan, the only reason I'm quoting this is because it sounds A LOT like what I've gone through/Am Going Through at the moment. And trust me on this --- that right there is a much better mindset to be in. She's probably the greatest girl you'll ever meet, but ask yourself this: do you want to respect someone who doesn't respect you back? Or love someone who doesn't love you back? That thing you're feeling matters man, it's A PART OF YOU. Save it for someone who understands how much it's worth.

The thing I want to know is -- how do you make the elusive gal know that worth? Does her understanding of it even matter?

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Stop emotionally investing in everything so much. It’s not like if you fail with one girl you are not going to get more opportunities.

Stop making excuses. Go get numbers from more women, set up multiple dates a week, and for the love of everything, go have sex.

You're killing me here. Your "potential relationship"?

Guys out looking for relationships are failing from the start. Go out and try to get laid, if the girl is looking for a relationship at that point SHE will try to put you in a relationship.

Law of the jungle, women are the ones who want relationships, men want to get laid. Heck sometimes the girls just like to get laid.

By just easily offering yourself up for a relationship, you are making it too easy for her to get you, and THAT looks desperate, as if you have failed so much as getting laid you just want to secure yourself one girl, so you do not have to continue your grinding celibate dry spell.

Desperation and the groveling behavior, which you would find in your body language, speech pattern etc... is what is driving away girls, and why you are in this predicament.


What to do?

1. Stop actively trying to lock a girl into a relationship, girls hate being cornered.
2. Talk to at least 2 new women each day, to get a number. Over time you will have lots of numbers, and you will get good at it. The goal is to go for the number. Even if it turns out she has a boyfriend or whatever, you need to take the shot, as you lose 100% of the ones you do not take.
3. Set up dates, with the goal in mind to getting laid. If you really want a relationship, don’t worry about trying to lock her in, she will try to lock you in and do that part of the work for you, and don’t mess with the natural order or make it too easy for her. Make her chase you some.
4. Stop wasting your time investing in a girl who is OBVIOUSLY stringing you along to stroke her own ego. She had you on the line because you make her feel attractive, NOT because she is attracted to you. Ditch her.

This. Makes. Sense.

The unfortunate truth of the matter is that guys, like me, are in a terrible need to be involved in a relationship. I know from my side that it isn't because I feel lonely (hell, I love solitude), but because the girl-being-chased is that much of a sweetheart.

It gets inflated to the point where even thinking that she's doing this to make herself feel more attractive (a negative label) seems UNTRUE to us. But the thing is, even if she's not doing that consciously, you can't speak or even blame her for her unconscious actions. And I think, on an unconscious level, some of those stereotypical "natural behaviour" that all societies have come to label men and women with, DO IN FACT WORK.

Women want confidence because, in classical Jungian terms, men they are attracted to are usually similar to a physical manifestation of their unconscious SELF. That unconscious self is violent and confident and fearless. The conscious side of the girl would "lock the guy in a relationship" once she sees both sides (and honestly, a normal and sane human being does have both sides), and that's what we fail to consider time and again: her unconscious, sexual personality. The one who craves violence.

Even the Greeks knew that.

What I'm trying to say is that those aspects of masculinity are in fact psychologically present when sexual attraction is concerned. The reverse is true for men.

But just because someone reflects YOUR unconscious-self so well doesn't mean there won't be others doing the same. Again, alluding to Jung, it is a collective unconscious. There are more physical manifestations out there.

So yeah. Demonstrating that fearless, confident MALE aspect is NOT an automatic regression into sexual chauvinism. The 'nice guy' still lives, but one shouldn't have to go around displaying that. Especially to a girl he's attracted to.

(Now I gotta learn how to DO that instead of TALKING ABOUT it).

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I know what your saying, but there's no way of me getting a job first.

It's a 4 hour (costing about £50 a time) journey away, and I have to give a months notice at my current job before I can take a day off. How would I keep getting up there for interviews?

The plan is to go into the offices of a recruitment agency that I'm already signed up with online, and see what they can do in terms of even temp work if neccesary.

I have office experience, can compentantly use most computer systems, and I have a degree in Journalism which involved modules in Law, PR, Media, Online Journalism, Radio, TV, Print, Sub Editing (page layout and design) etc. So there are plenty of areas I'm sure I'd be suitable for in an admin capacity at least.

Also, the other part of my job at the moment is telesales. Don't particularly want to do that anymore, but would take a similar job if neccesary.

Am also a very good bar person. Have been doing it since I was 18, and even managed one place. So I could even fall back on a job like that to get me through.

All that considered, am I still being naïve for thinking I could get some kind of job in three months? Maybe I am, I don't know

I think you're quite qualified to at least SURVIVE out there. Though, to be honest, we're probably just as blind here as you are about SECURING a job in the place you're planning to go.

But here's the deal: does your friend know that? I'm sure she understands how difficult it is to get a secure ANYTHING in this day and age. Knowing all that, is she still willing to entrust you with the loan? If she says "yes" then I say go for it!

It's what YOU WANT to do. Don't let your insecurities stop you from doing that. Your friend needs to understand that, and seeing as how she offered you the money to begin with, it seems she already does. Good luck!

 

[DV8]

I know what your saying, but there's no way of me getting a job first.

It's a 4 hour (costing about £50 a time) journey away, and I have to give a months notice at my current job before I can take a day off. How would I keep getting up there for interviews?

The plan is to go into the offices of a recruitment agency that I'm already signed up with online, and see what they can do in terms of even temp work if neccesary.

I have office experience, can compentantly use most computer systems, and I have a degree in Journalism which involved modules in Law, PR, Media, Online Journalism, Radio, TV, Print, Sub Editing (page layout and design) etc. So there are plenty of areas I'm sure I'd be suitable for in an admin capacity at least.

Also, the other part of my job at the moment is telesales. Don't particularly want to do that anymore, but would take a similar job if neccesary.

Am also a very good bar person. Have been doing it since I was 18, and even managed one place. So I could even fall back on a job like that to get me through.

All that considered, am I still being naïve for thinking I could get some kind of job in three months? Maybe I am, I don't know

if you have a recruitment agency helping you out, I would say go for it; or at least try to gauge with them the liklihood of you finding a job within a reasonable timeframe . . . the job market in the US sucks; but I assume you're trying to leave where you're at because the opportunities are better . . .

as far as your friend's money, how much was their whole inheritance? $3k may sound like a lot now, but in the broad scheme of things, if you pay them back over time, it's really not that bad if they're your true friend . . . and if you fail, hopefully they will understand enough to give you extra time to repay it

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Thanks for all the advice guys

I think the best thing for me to do is to go up and have a meeting with the recruitment agency soon, and ask their advice as well. See what's available at the moment. I think once i've done that, i'll know how I feel about whether the risk is going to be a good one or a stupid one.

 

[SuperFerret]

Law of the jungle, women are the ones who want relationships, men want to get laid. Heck sometimes the girls just like to get laid.

Bull. ****.

I'm more than a genetics delivery system and a bunch of other crap to keep it alive.