The Temple of Doomed Relationships

[Anita18]

Doing it by accident, or being methodical, makes no difference in effect.

I don't care if doing it on prupose is selfish.

I've been saying for a long time most guys need to be a lot more selfish.

You think of it as selfish, I think of it as self-respect. But we're both talking about essentially the same thing.

It's true, you have to establish your boundaries pretty early on. Once someone sees you as someone they can walk all over, there's no changing that. Hence why some of the games you like work. You're attracting the woman's attention, AND making it clear you're calling the shots. An attitude like that makes people respect you. (Even if it borders on *****ey, but that's neither here nor there. )

You have to earn the other person's respect quickly, and keep it consistent. And you also have to have respect for yourself, to avoid (and walk away from) a situation that's underneath you. Begging someone to stay with them is underneath people. For sure. Grow some balls and be like, "I can survive without you, I just choose to be with you, and I know you choose to be with me."

People who cheat do not respect their partners. Period. Doesn't matter if you want them to be intrigued and attracted to you. They can feel all that toward you and still cheat if they feel they can get away with it.

Funny, one of the last things that kind of was the straw that broke the camel's back in my marriage was something like this.

My X-wife went out one night to hang out with a friend of her's She says she told me 3 times she wouldn't be back home that evening. I never heard her say anything, so I assumed she would be back.

When she didn't come back that evening, I was concerned, but didn't have a way to contact her. When her mom called the next day to ask where she was, I told her I didn't know, and didn't know how to get a hold of her. Same thing when her sister called a few hours later. It was suggested that I call the police, and make a missing person's report. All I could think of was something bad happened, and they got stranded on the side of the road, or in a car accident, etc. She finally showed up, just as the police were leaving, so I cancelled the missing person's report.

However, guess who her new husband is? Yep, the guy she was hanging out with that evening......But she wasn't cheating!

I will keep that in mind when he says he's going to hang out somewhere and not come home. It does seem a little strange to me, for someone to hang out at a friend's house ALL NIGHT when the partner was available. Even if the friend was completely and honestly platonic.

Again, the respect thing.

Actually, I was in sort of the same boat. 3 years into the marriage, I decided I had made a huge mistake in marrying her. It went beyond just the normal things that most couples deal with. She was very irresponsible with money and her priories were way out of whack. To her, makeup and buying clothes were more important than paying rent. >.<

I will say that she grew up pretty fast after our son was born, but in all the wrong ways. She lost the spontaneity and free spirit attitude that had initially attracted me to her, and her bi-polar side started to emerge.

If I had it to do all over again, I would have bailed before I got her pregnant, and gotten 10 years of my life back. I don't regret my son 1 bit, but I do regret that she's his mom. Sooner or later she's going to turn on him, like she did on me.

What does that mean? Children are actually way more perceptive than you take them for - if she's bipolar, he's probably noticed.

But yeah, didn't sound like a good recipe for a marriage at all.

 

[SpideyVille]

If I had it to do all over again, I would have bailed before I got her pregnant, and gotten 10 years of my life back. I don't regret my son 1 bit, but I do regret that she's his mom. Sooner or later she's going to turn on him, like she did on me.

I kind of feel like my brother feels this way too. I mean he met his wife about 13 years ago when he was in college and she was pretty much the first girl he ever did anything with, and I guess he was just happy to finally have someone. They had their first kid a few years later and then another one a few years after that. The didn't move in permanently with each other until after the second child was born and they didn't get married until this past September. But talking to my brother, he always tells me not to rush into anything like getting married or starting a family because then I'll end up like him. He loves his wife, but he cheated on her a few times with different girls and its mostly because once he had more experience, he realized how easy it was to hook up with girls and had he not been stuck with kids, he would've most likely bailed on his wife. He envies me and wishes he were in my shoes with the mind he has now because he would definitely take advantage of being single with no responsibilities.

 

[LOBO3315a]

What does that mean? Children are actually way more perceptive than you take them for - if she's bipolar, he's probably noticed.

It means sooner or later, when he does something that doesn't fit in with her expectations, she will explode with the force of a small nuclear warhead. If you've never seen someone with bi-polar disorder lose it, it's quite a sight. I got to experience that several times with her during our marriage, before he was born. After he was born, I just tried to keep things smoothed out with her for his sake. Even then, there were times I had to do major damage control to keep her from going ballistic when he was around.

 

[Anita18]

It means sooner or later, when he does something that doesn't fit in with her expectations, she will explode with the force of a small nuclear warhead. If you've never seen someone with bi-polar disorder lose it, it's quite a sight. I got to experience that several times with her during our marriage, before he was born. After he was born, I just tried to keep things smoothed out with her for his sake. Even then, there were times I had to do major damage control to keep her from going ballistic when he was around.

How old is he? I expect him to have witnessed it himself a little before age 10. Those little buggers have a penchance of doing things you don't want/expect.

 

[LOBO3315a]

How old is he? I expect him to have witnessed it himself a little before age 10. Those little buggers have a penchance of doing things you don't want/expect.

He is 15, so you are probably right.

 

[Anita18]

He is 15, so you are probably right.

Oh yeah dude, he knows. Even my boring-as-hell bf was a terror at that age and got his mom's wrath, and his mom's only issue is that she's paranoid.

He's doing okay, though? You have a good relationship with him?

 

[bullets]

Army, and you?

Many of the guys I knew were in the mid 20's already, and some of them had been married for years. Sure enough the younger ones had the worst go at it, but the more mature ones had problems too.

The only consistent pattern I could see, looking back on all of it, among those guys who were getting cheated on was the supplicating behavior, being way too available, and literally losing for trying too hard.

I observed some situations where the relationships did not fail, even though those were a rarity but then there was a pattern there to.

Sure it had to do with the girls (obviously its not an ignorable factor) but what I saw was a stark contrast in the behavior of the men themselves too.

The smartest of us stayed single.

I was in the Army from 2001-2004 and stationed in Baumholder , Germany for most of it. A guy told me my first weekend to never get in any serious relationships there. He was right , that place is like a cesspool for infidelity. I watched several people in my company find out before we got home from Iraq that they're marriages were over.
Of course those particular marriages are harder to make work. I think under normal circumstances you should try to spice up the relationship once in awhile but not with something that might be considered untrustworthy.

 

[BrollySupersj]

I got a doomed relationship story.

This happened...like the first week of November. I have a female friend, known her for a few years, we're very close. She looks out for me when it comes to woman, since I've had bad luck, and have been burned BADLY in the past. So one day she sends me a text, saying one of her friends is like depressed and just looking for someone to have sex with. My friend decided to pin us together since we were two people who just needed to be laid. I actually know this girl from high school, I didn't get to know her all that well, but I did remember her. I always thought she was cute, so needless to say I was down for the whole thing. After a few days of texting and getting reacquainted, we had a video chat on Yahoo IM. It got...pretty intimate, if you know what I mean. After that I really started to like her genuinely, not as just some **** buddy. She confined to having the same feelings for me as well. Not long after our lovely video chat, we arranged a hang out at her place, to just watch movies and fool around. Well when that day came, we had sex, didn't take long either, probably 20 minutes before things got heated. I tell ya, it was just one of the greatest moments of my life so far. This girl was just....absolutely lovely. I was really starting to like her immensely. This is where it at falls down hill...

Two days after our little get together, she starts....going back to normal. She doesn't act like the way she did before, it was like our time together didn't happen. Then she says she wants to wait to have sex again, which just left me so confused. Before she had no reservations, she was ready and willing, no doubts about it. Well after some time pressing her for a real reason why she's changed, it turns out that her previous boyfriend (someone she was with for a few years, and broke up with her 6 months before I came along) really really messed her up emotionally. She said she was afraid of getting involved and hurt again, after so much investment in her previous relationship. So then I decided to just call it off for good. I haven't spoken to her since then....really sucked. I liked her a lot, but I guess she was just wasn't ready for a new relationship. Oh well...

 

[WillardNation]

Don't do it suicide. He'll send you Dick pics! Like Dick Tracy.

Yes I would.

i don't think he meant phone number... i think he meant the number she was referring to in her post?

But yes, this is what I meant.

 

[WillardNation]

I got a doomed relationship story.

This happened...like the first week of November. I have a female friend, known her for a few years, we're very close. She looks out for me when it comes to woman, since I've had bad luck, and have been burned BADLY in the past. So one day she sends me a text, saying one of her friends is like depressed and just looking for someone to have sex with. My friend decided to pin us together since we were two people who just needed to be laid. I actually know this girl from high school, I didn't get to know her all that well, but I did remember her. I always thought she was cute, so needless to say I was down for the whole thing. After a few days of texting and getting reacquainted, we had a video chat on Yahoo IM. It got...pretty intimate, if you know what I mean. After that I really started to like her genuinely, not as just some **** buddy. She confined to having the same feelings for me as well. Not long after our lovely video chat, we arranged a hang out at her place, to just watch movies and fool around. Well when that day came, we had sex, didn't take long either, probably 20 minutes before things got heated. I tell ya, it was just one of the greatest moments of my life so far. This girl was just....absolutely lovely. I was really starting to like her immensely. This is where it at falls down hill...

Two days after our little get together, she starts....going back to normal. She doesn't act like the way she did before, it was like our time together didn't happen. Then she says she wants to wait to have sex again, which just left me so confused. Before she had no reservations, she was ready and willing, no doubts about it. Well after some time pressing her for a real reason why she's changed, it turns out that her previous boyfriend (someone she was with for a few years, and broke up with her 6 months before I came along) really really messed her up emotionally. She said she was afraid of getting involved and hurt again, after so much investment in her previous relationship. So then I decided to just call it off for good. I haven't spoken to her since then....really sucked. I liked her a lot, but I guess she was just wasn't ready for a new relationship. Oh well...

That sounds salvageable. If she likes you, she likes you. If she's messed up from a prior bf, it's just gonna take a bit of work. If you really like her, I wouldn't recommend giving up on it.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

That sounds salvageable. If she likes you, she likes you. If she's messed up from a prior bf, it's just gonna take a bit of work. If you really like her, I wouldn't recommend giving up on it.

I don't know. I spent the better part of 4 months or so trying to put in a "bit of work" with a girl who was messed up from a prior boyfriend, and it just ended up with her and I making more and more drama for ourselves.

I don't regret it - I'm happy that I gave it my all, and have no regrets about the situation - but it's not as simple as just "taking a bit of work"

 

[SpideyVille]

I guess it just depends on how "damaged" she is and how badly it effects her.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

I'm not into long-distance relationships... not ones where you haven't met face-to-face. I do believe you can get to know someone well-if-not-better by way of the web, but I'd imagine it'd be incredibly difficult to love someone you never met. Well, not difficult to love them, but difficult to be in love with them. In love you should be able to touch and hold and be held... but if I loved someone, I'd withstand that; I'd wait. But they're not interested. And knowing that, while knowing how much I'd sacrifice for them, makes me all the sicker.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

So, um, just out of curiosity, what is your number?

Meh, what the hell, here we go:

Spoiler

14

3 boyfriends
4 **** buddies
3 friends I hooked up with once
4 one night stands

And on that list, there's only one person whose name I can't remember

So is that too many?

Yes I would

Well now I'm curious

 

[LOBO3315a]

Oh yeah dude, he knows. Even my boring-as-hell bf was a terror at that age and got his mom's wrath, and his mom's only issue is that she's paranoid.

He's doing okay, though? You have a good relationship with him?

Well I try to. I can only see him every other weekend. I do try to call him once a week, and see how he's doing. I really can't ask too many things about her, because he's been instructed not to divulge any information about her to me. She's afraid that I'm trying to spy on her through him, so I've learned to just ask about his school life, and his friends and nothing else. He also knows he has an open door with me and if something is bothering him, he can always talk to me. Right now, that's the best I can do.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Oh, and just for clarification, I overreacted, but I still think she was hypocritical if she accepted a watch from that guy.
Given that he has often accused me of being a potential cheat, the same description applies to him too, he knew what he was doing there, in as much as displaying inappropriate behaviour with such a gift, because he has already said he has feelings for her, and he knows he was disrespecting the relationship and trying to throw a spanner into the works with such an action. He's a sneaky guy.

Anyway, maybe we will get back together at some point, maybe we won't, but all I know is, she's no longer as high and mighty in the moral sense of these kinds of things, considering all the needless bs she flaked out about with me in this regard.

 

[Erzengel]

Even though you overreacted she shouldn't be accepting gifts from someone with ulterior motives. But, if anyone was poisoning the mind of someone who was dating me, I would want them either removed from their life or someone would had to straighten them out for them to remain.

If she refuses to do either, then that's an issue.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Ah, there is some talk here about a woman&#8217;s number of sexual partners.

This gives me room to segue into another nuclear blast that may start a ton of arguments here.

I can only think of two reasons why a girls number is relevant, based on the trend (but not absolute). Offhand I suspect these risks are in the realm of 20-25% greater but admittedly there are not any good ways to test this I can think of. So we don&#8217;t know how relevant these risks are, but none the less:

1. Women who have been with a lot of men can have a difficult time being monogamous, and she is more likely to go back to old habits and cheat.
2. She is more likely to leave the relationship, because she knows how easy it is to get a new guy.

I don&#8217;t list STD risk, as it can be hard to tell how many guys a girl has been with early on, and since I sleep with women very early on, I take that risk. The other reason is that even if she has been with only one guy with a history like mine... well lets just say her low number just became irrelevant to the STD risk.

Anyway, that is WHY the traditional "game" community advice is to aim for women who are "virgins", or at least have very low numbers, and to keep those girls for relationships, and to use the girls with high numbers as "pump and dump" material.

What can happen in reality however, is that a guy can get stuck with a Prude. I found out the hard way, that if you marry a prude, the reason she was a virgin when you meet her, could just be someone with a low sex drive (which is a very bad thing in my book) and she may even be self-righteous with that I&#8217;m holier than thou attitude.

The other side of that reality, is in spite of those above two risks being greater with a girl who has had a higher number of sexual partners, she also may have a much higher sex drive. Due to her experience will likely have some skill herself, as well as a real appreciation for a guy who knows what he is doing as she has a basis for comparison as to what good sex is.

Another reason is, there is not enough data to show me the degree of how much greater of a risk those two risks are with the higher numbers woman. Is the more promiscuous woman 20-25% more likely to cheat or leave? If that is the case I will take those odds.

Id rather have 5 good years with a woman filled with great sex, only to end in painful breakup due to cheating or leaving, than be stuck with the same girl my whole life who is a prude in bed but has less risk of cheating or leaving.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Meh, what the hell, here we go:

Spoiler

14

3 boyfriends
4 **** buddies
3 friends I hooked up with once
4 one night stands

And on that list, there's only one person whose name I can't remember

So is that too many?

Becky!?!?

Dear Lord!

Spoiler

At your age that works out to a whole whopping 2 new men every year!

 

[LOBO3315a]

Becky!?!?

Dear Lord!

Spoiler

At your age that works out to a whole whopping 2 new men every year!

Well, she never indicated if any of those were "team effort" or not....

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Meh, what the hell, here we go:

Spoiler

14

3 boyfriends
4 **** buddies
3 friends I hooked up with once
4 one night stands

And on that list, there's only one person whose name I can't remember

So is that too many?

If you told me 14, I'd ask you if you wanted to make it 15

 

[steintym]

That sounds salvageable. If she likes you, she likes you. If she's messed up from a prior bf, it's just gonna take a bit of work. If you really like her, I wouldn't recommend giving up on it.

I agree Willard. Doesn't seem beyond hope, just might take a little more effort.

 

[Erzengel]

I wouldn't necessarily press her but I wouldn't totally back off either. Sporadic contacting and maybe going out every so often to keep the interest there.

Also, just be sure you really like her and not because she just let's you flop on top of her.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Ok, I think i am gonna start taking SuperMike's advice more seriously, now that he has put up an avatar where he looks more sensible, haha.
But, seriously, even though I do not always think your posts are relevant to my particular situation, they are interesting to read.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Ok, I think i am gonna start taking SuperMike's advice more seriously, now that he has put up an avatar where he looks more sensible, haha.
But, seriously, even though I do not always think your posts are relevant to my particular situation, they are interesting to read.

In that case I'm turning my back on that one.

Sensible...