"...Well ain't this just perfect?"
Swinging my way home from the Bugle is one thing. Swinging my way home from the Bugle during a horrendous lightning storm is
totally another. When the rain is coming down so hard, you can barely see out of your mask, you know it's time to change into your civvies and hail a cab. When it's pouring with rain, rain that stings as it slams into your skin and lashes around you as you go, and lightning is slamming through the skies of New York like it's tissue paper, you so totally know it's time to call for a cab.
It's tough, though, balancing the benefits of webswinging with the downsides of hurling myself about in the rain. On the plus side, I can go much faster from "point a" to "point b". On the down side, I catch pneumonia as I go. Plus, swinging is a way easier way to go about my --
"HACHOO!" I sneeze hard as I drape a webline along the side of a construction site. Fantastic! A cold. Just what I need in the middle of the spring. Now I can
count on Aunt May giving me an earful about "wearing a coat" and "being more careful." Awesome. Awesome blossom.
Where was I? Swinging, right.
It's easier to go about my patrol here in the skies than in a cab. That's definetly a plus. On the down side, though, there's the possibility that I could fall, or miss a webline, or hit my head, or one of any number of things that could result in my imminent demise. On the other hand, Flash Thompson could hit me in the face
really hard and put me in a coma, so I guess nobody really knows what "safe" is anymore, huh?
People point at me and snap pictures as I swing by their office windows. They grab and tug at the sleeves of their coworker's pressed linen shirts and say things like "whoa! I didn't know he was real!" I'm used to it by now, even though I haven't been at this "hero" game very long. You'd be surprised, though, even though I save old ladies from runaway buses, stop bank robbers, and put down the craziest-of-the-crazy villains like Doctor Octopus, people still hurl cans, bricks, and whatever other garbage they can get their hands on in my direction. A few of them could play for the Yanks, with their aim. My back and the top of my head have gotten nailed with garbage more times that I'd care to count. And I owe it all to my loving, benevolent, warm-hearted boss, J. Jonah Jameson. The operator of the finest bird-cage-liner in town, the
Daily Bugle, Jolly Jameson has made it his sole burden to rid the city of me.
Sure, he boasts about exclusive interviews with Iron Man and Captain America, but
me? I get headlines that read "SPIDER-MAN IN KAHOOTS WITH MAFIA!" or, my personal favorite: "SPIDER-MAN: HERO OR MENACE?!" That one runs every couple of weeks... if I'm lucky. Every few days if I'm not. Whatever doubt the people of this fine, horn-honking city have in me... I fully blame on Jameson. Sure, Daredevil, a guy who breaks bones and leaves people inches from death (I've only ever left the
real bad guys a foot away, at most), gets great press. Meanwhile, I'm left high and dry.
"Hachoo!"
Well... in this case... high and sopping.
THWIP!
A webline goes taught in my hand, the adhesive material in the chemical compound tugging on the fabric of my glove. I pull up on the thread and swing in a low arc, flying just above the roofs of cars. Drivers swerve as they see a guy in his pajamas soaring over them. As I swing I see a woman topple into the street.
"Watch out!" I shout, as I slam onto the roof of a car beneath me. I crouch down on the roof of the car and explode forward, snatching the lady just before a cab hits her. Hell, it nearly hits me as I'm
saving her.
"Yeesh!" I say, placing her down on the sidewalk and glancing down the street.
"Crazy New York cabbies."
Damsel in distress, right in front of you, here, Parker. Get with the program.
My head snaps back to her as she dusts herself off.
"You alright, ma'am?" I ask sincerely.
Her eyes slowly move up to meet the lenses of my red and black mask, as if she's only
now realizing that Spider-Man, yes,
the Spider-Man, just saved her keister.
The rain slams into us as we stand on the sidewalk. My costume is soaked through and through, skintight as it sticks to my frame. It'd be quite a show for the ladies if I wasn't wearing my athletic support.
...We'll mark that as a plus for webswinging?
"I... Are yo..."
"Yes, I am. The one, the only, the big-time-super-hero known as Spider-Man."
Her eyes close and open again, as if in slow motion as she processes the information.
"T...there was a man." Stammering. How sweet. It's not everyday you get to meet Spidey. "He had a purse, he slammed into me. I think he stole it."
It's as if she's still processing her near-death experience, her run in with a superhero, and the fact that she saw a guy running away from the scene of a crime all at once. And it's taking forever. Four-eh-ver.
"Can I get a direction? A finger-point?" I say, gesturing around and about,
"A 'he-went-thata-way!'?"
She holds a finger up and points down a nearby alley. Just when you thought the day couldn't be more of a clich--
"Hachoo!"
I run my forearm along my upper lip. Yum...
"Thanks for the help."
THWIP!
I pull myself into the alleyway, staring quietly down the half-dark corridor of bricks and glass. It's scary. Even with spider-sense, I still get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. The same one you get in the pit of your gut when you're in a haunted house. Your heart becomes a lump in your throat and --
KRA-KOOM!
I twitch.
...and evening thunder makes you squirm. Of course, the dang
thunder only happens when you're in the alleyway to begin with.
A light is mounted just above a doorway to a restaurant or club... the bulb isn't working. How typical.
And then I see him. He's not scary or intimidating. He's a guy. With a baseball cap over his face, searching through the purse... his loot. And he, apparently, hasn't noticed the lanky superhero clinging to the wall six feet away from him.
"They say you can learn a lot about a lady by going through her purse." His head snaps up at my pubescent voice.
"I don't think that's what you're doing this for, though."
THWIP!
I lean back and let go of the wall, swinging on a webline and connecting with his jaw with a hard kick. He lifts into the air and slams into a wall, shattering some of the bricks.
"Wow." I say aloud, watching as he slumps to the ground on one knee, his hat beside him. He's bald. Probably from a biker gang. I can't lie; I'm pretty impressed that he was able to break the brick. Usually these petty guys go down in a punch, maybe two.
"Gotta say, I mighta underestimated you. Usually, the guys I slam into brick walls while quoting The Incredibles don't have the stamina to get up."
I watch as he pulls himself to his feet, and, somehow, the rain pours harder. As the man gets to his feet, my lenses meet his eyes. My skin begins to tingle, and the air seems to crack as a grin slowly starts to spread across his face. See... it's times like this that I'm glad I have a spider-sense. If I were in any
real danger, it'd be going haywire...
Tingling. Back of my neck. Spider-sense.
Looks like I spoke too soon.
His eyes glow as mine grow behind my mask.
"Something tells me that this idea might... have... been... very..."
"...Bad."
Him? Electro. Loser extraordinaire. Former member of the Kingpin's hitsquad, the Enforcers. Knocked his tookus out with a big funnel of water. Basically got him to short-circuit. Looks like he's managed to fix that issue and can
fully control electricity.
Me? Spider-Man. Hero extraordinaire. Former member of the chess team. Currently covered in water and about to face off against a guy who can manipulate electricity... I guess we'll call that a downside of webswinging.
"Ya think, insect?" Electro snarls.
Spider-Sense. Lightning bolt coming. I leap into the air as Electro fires his hand in front of him, firing a bolt of pure electricity into the spot on the brick, leaving a smoking fragment of stone in it's place. I don't even have the nerve to comment on the error Electro made regarding spiders being insects. Honestly, it's growing to be quite a problem in the supervillain community and I just don't feel like my constant corrections are making a difference.
I spring forward, dodging a blast in mid-air as I head right for Electro.
"Stand still." He confidently hisses,
"This'll be over soon."
"Stand still?" My retort comes swiftly as I bounce about the alleyway,
"Why? So you can fry me like an egg? Smoke me like a salmon? As far as I can remember, you had a real food theme going last time we fought. Remember? When I beat the snot outta you?"
Chuckling to myself, I roll along the wet pavement.
"Ah, good times."
I find a louisville slugger in a heap of garbage and heave it out. Electro's body is fully electrified. I need to make sure I don't touch him... unless, of course, I want to end up as a spider-on-a-stick.
Like a javelin, I hurl the bat at Electro's face, hitting him square in the jaw.
"Gah! Dammit." He roars. Snatching everything I can find that might hurt him, I start pelting him with garbage.
In a lull in the fight, he sticks his neck out excitedly, sending water running off of his chin.
"You wanna get crazy?" The electricity coursing through his flesh and clothes begins to turn blue, along with the rest of his skin. And, then, I realize... I might've just bitten way more than I can chew.
"Let's get crazy!"
Electro burts into a flash of bright blue light, as electricity courses through each droplet of water falling around and onto me. I scream in agony as the blue electricity singes my skin.
I slump onto the ground, in a smoking heap.
"You've been a pest for me for too long!" He announces victoriously.
"Gulp..." I say aloud.
Time to be the hero.
"You know, Electra," I quip happily, pulling myself up off of the steaming pavement.
"you'd be far more intimidating if you glowed a darker color. Sky blue just doesn't really work for you."
"Kill you!"
THWIP!
I heave myself up off of the ground by a webline, with Electro in-toe.
"Yeah. Yeah, you said that already."
Electricity surges through the air as I dodge blast after devastating blast. I bounce from brick wall, to sign, to billboard. In fact, on a sign for cola, I happen to land on the model's upper lip. Electro fires a blast at me, which I dodge. I didn't even notice the Hitler-stache we left that poor gal with.
I spin around in mid-air and unload two full cartridges of webbing around Electro, forming a cocoon.
I watch as the ball of webbing slams to the ground, but slowly begins to glow.
"Oh that won't hold him for long." I groan.