Peyton Manning's Poor Performance on the Field Hindering His Ability to Do Commercials
Following another mediocre performance in which Peyton Manning failed to throw a single touchdown, executives from a number of companies that Manning regularly advertises for are considering moving on from the Denver Broncos quarterback. While Manning's dedication to plugging any and all pieces of corporate crap is unparalleled, his diminishing skills are leading some execs to question whether he has anything left in the tank.
"We love Peyton and thing he's a total class act," said Nationwide CEO Stephen R. Rasmussen. "We'll always appreciate what he's done for us. No one, and I mean NO ONE can sing to a chicken parmesan sandwich like Peyton. But sadly, this is a young man's game and age eventually age catches up with you. Peyton's still under contract for a few more spots but after that, I guess we'll just go back to that world's greatest salesman in the world guy or maybe that hot chick in the catsuit who's good at backflips."
Some executives, like Papa John's CEO John Schnatter, became emotional when discussing the possibility of cutting Manning. "I've known Peyton for years; he's a close, personal friend of mine," he said. "It was just last month that he came over to my castle and we took turns shooting my manservants with a potato gun. Having to let him go after all this time just sucks. I'm going to go cut some of my employees' health benefits to make myself feel better."
As for the man himself, Manning admits that he is disappointed but understands the nature of the business. "It's just how it goes," said the NFL's all-time leading advertiser. "But after appearing in 7,936 commercials, even I have to admit I'm burned out."
However, Manning added that he plans on setting a few more commercial appearance records before hanging it all up. "As usual, my schedule is going to be wide open come January, so I might as well make a little more cash," Manning explained, before choking on a slice of Papa Johns' pizza.