2015 NFL Thread: Game On - Part 3

[Hush]

Hey Landry, double knot bro.

 

[The Incredible Hulk]

anybody else see Beckham and Landry's Batman and Joker cleats? Pretty cool.

Although I think they were only allowed to wear them for pre-game, because the NFL is joyless....

 

[Rowsdower!]

INFINITE QB CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS, PART II: ZERO HOUR

Bob Costas: As mentioned before on this show several weeks ago, the NFL is going through a bit of a quarterback crisis. While some top-tier talents like Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers remain, the majority of players at football's most important position are questionable at best. It wasn't long ago that the Cincinnati Bengals looked as if they might actually go undefeated before they head into their annual first-round playoff exit. But now, with quarterback Andy Dalton sidelined with a thumb injury, the Bengals have turned to A.J. McCarron to lead them into the postseason, and if you say Sunday's game against the Steelers, you'll know that's not going to be easy for the second-year quarterback.

What all of this means is that we may be headed for a postseason lacking in many of its typical star players, which would be the greatest tragedy the NFL has ever faced. Sure, the aforementioned Brady and Rodgers will be there, along with Ben Roethlisberger and rising superstar Cam Newton. But look at some of these other players who will be appearing in the postseason! Brock Osweiler? Kirk Cousins? Alex Smith? MATT HASSELBECK? Is he even still alive? These men have no business stinking up the hallowed ground that is the NFL postseason. Worst of all, we may never see Brady vs. Manning, Part 5 Million. I cry myself to sleep every night just thinking about that.

Fortunately, the NFL has recognized the issue and has put together a team of expert analysts to sort out the problem. Much like the recently formed Catch Committee, which focuses on the monumentally important issue of when a catch is a catch but is still not a catch, the new QB Crisis Committee will address how we can make sure only popular, bankable, superstar quarterbacks from teams with massive fanbases make the postseason. Because, let's face it, if the day ultimately comes when Blake Bortles leads the Jacksonville Jaguars to a Super Bowl win, that will be the END of football as we know it. No one will care anymore. They'll all move on to hockey or some other sport no one in America gives two sh**s about. And that can't happen.

So let's meet the members of the new QB Crisis Committee.

Al Michaels: So Cris, you were named to the new QB committee. What kinds of issues will you be addressing?

Cris Collinsworth: Well Al, like Bob said, we're going to be trying to find ways to make sure that only talented, watchable, and popular quarterbacks make the postseason. After all, the NFL is all about preserving America's Game®, and Commissioner Roger Goodell knows there's nothing more American than making sure the playoffs and the Super Bowl make as much money as possible off of advertising revenue. That can't happen if the teams involved all have no-name losers at the helm. I mean, Brick Asswielder has some talent, and he's a good looking kid, but he's no Peyton Manthing. All you had to do was watch that game yesterday and you could see him struggling to get the ball to talented receivers like Manual Slanders and Aquarius Thomas. And for all the flack Andy Dolton has taken over the years, I'd feel a lot more comfortable with him as my QB than A.J. McCarrion.

But it's not all just going to be about preserving already established names. We also want to help develop the promising young talent out there so that they too can one day be selling millions of jerseys and causing Dorito's to fork over 50 million bucks just to get a 30-second ad played during one of their games. So we're looking at ways to help quarterbacks like Marcus Marioyoda and Jameson Windsock improve, primarily by helping them restructure their contracts and find new teams. Having talent like that waste away in crappy markets like Tennessee and Tampa Bay is just disgraceful. They should be playing for the Cowboys or the Giants or a team someone gives a damn about. And we're committed to helping them do that.

Al Michaels: ... Okay, then. Umm... well, also on the new committee is... Shannon Sharpe? Wait... is there anyone on this quarterback committee who actually played quarterback?

Thannon Tharpe: But, Papa. I mean Al, thorry. I kept making the thame mithtake thith morning when Tholomon Wilcotth was thtanding in for Bob Papa on Theriuth NFL Radio. But thee, it'th guyth like me that really bring the inthighth, and that'th why they turned to me. Altho, it'th becauth the only quarterback that volunteered was Terry Bradthaw, and no one wanth to hear whatever the hell he hath to thay.

But anyway, ath I watched the Broncoth play the Raiderth on Thunday, one thing thtuck out to me. They are clearly trying to hide their quarterback. But PAPA. I mean, Al. That'th the one pothithion you can't hide! You can hide bad receithverth, you can hide bad offenthive linemen, you can even hide a bad tight end, but you can't hide the quarterback. Tho that'th one thing thith committee ith going to addreth. If Brock Othweiler ith the future of my Bronoth, they can't hide him.

We altho want to addreth the immaturity of thome of these young talenth. Take Johnny Manziel. He needth to underthtand what an HONOR AND A PRIVILIDGE it ith to play for a mithmanaged organization under an overmatched head coach and a convicted criminal owner. He needth to know that when he goeth out drinking, he thouldn't be caught on camera! He thould alwayth be aware that camerath are gonna be on him! When I go ANYWHERE, I jutht automatically athume that I'm being videotaped! I know thomeone hath a camera on me! I thwear it, people are thpying on me everywhere I go! I'm gonna have to change my name and get fathial reconthtructive thurgery tho they'll finally leave me alone! Actually, I didn't want to announth thith here, but thith will be my final broadcatht before I go into hiding. From now on, none of you will be able to reach me. But I'll make contact with you after I ethablith my new identity.

Mike Tirico: ... Okay. Well, then. Jon, as I understand it, you're part of this new QB committee as well. Tell me Jon, in your own words, why on earth would they pick you to be on a committee to help guide today's quarterbacks?

Jon Gruden: Well Mikey, I always say that the quarterback position is the most important position on the field, second only to runningback, wide receiver, tight end, all offensive and defensive line positions, defensive secondary and kicker. That's why when I was a coach down in Tampa, I'd typically bring 24 different quarterbacks into training camp and then whittle them down to about 15 by the start of the season. Now, as you know, I'd get some flack from guys who'd claim that none of these quarterbacks were particularly talented. But to me, good coaching is being able to take a mediocre passer and turn him into a dominant signal caller who completes 50 percent of his passes and limits interceptions to three per game.

For example, last summer, I worked with Kirk Cousins. A year ago, he was clueless out there. But these days, he's showing true consistency as a quarterback, throwing exactly one touchdown in every game. No more, no less, unless he's playing a Rob Ryan defense. It's that kinda consistency that I like in a quarterback. It doesn't matter if you're good, just that you can do the same thing every single week. That's why Kirk reminds me of another legendary Redskins quarterback, Rex Grossman. It didn't matter who he was playing, what the weather was like, what he ate for breakfast, who or what he plowed in the backseat of his Camaro the night before... you always knew EXACTLY what you were gonna get with Rex.

Mike Tirico: Yes... yes, you did. But back to Kirk Cousins. You do recall last week, right? Monday Night Football? We called the game? Cousins' numbers were... decent, I guess, but the offense was unable to generate many points at all and they lost to a struggling Dallas Cowboys team that's on its third quarterback this year.

Jon Gruden: Oh, I remember Monday all too well, Mike. But I think you're forgetting Matt Cassel's DOMINANT performance in that game. I'll tell ya, this guy Matt Cassel, I call him the Dry Hump because he can only take you so far, but sometimes it's just far enough. Sure, he struggles to throw a ball more than three yards, but it's a STRONG three yards. He was like the Terminator in that game last week. I wouldn't be surprised if he dominated the rest of the games he plays this season.

Mike Tirico: He lost to Green Bay yesterday by 21 points. He completed 45 percent of his passes for 114 yards and an interception.

Jon Gruden: Oh. Well, ummm... let's see here... Oh! Look at that! Kirk Cousins won yesterday! He had a pretty good game! So there!

Mike Tirico: Uh huh. Back to you, Bob.

Bob Costas: Unfortunately, we were unable to make contact with the rest of the NFL's QB Committee members, which include Brian Billick, Peter King, and for some reason, the cast of Chicago Fire, which you can see every Tuesday here at NBC at 10 p.m. Maybe next time. But for now, you can rest a little easier at night knowing that a commissioner who is going to make $60 million dollars this year is overpaying a bunch of already overpaid analysts to brainstorm on how the NFL can make even more money. If that doesn't scream America's Game®, I don't know what does.

I know it's lame to quote yourself, but I hate when my hard work gets buried after a new page is created.

By the way, although it's exaggerated, that stuff with Shannon Sharpe was all based off of crap he actually said yesterday on NFL Radio. That guy is a bullsh** goldmine. He might even be worse than Gruden, lol.

 

[Warhammer]

Rows, that is sheer brilliance there. I died.

 

[Boom]

This thread needs Rowsdower.

 

[Rowsdower!]

Glad you guys liked it.

I'll probably do a "Final Crisis" one before the Super Bowl too.

 

[blueharvest]

Kevin Hart and Cam Newton side by side.

 

[The Incredible Hulk]

LaGarette Blount put on IR now.

Pats are going to be suiting up guys from the Mass Turnpike Authority soon (and still beating the Dolphins by 3 TD's)

 

[Rowsdower!]

Kevin Hart and Cam Newton side by side.

OMG that's amazing.

 

[The Incredible Hulk]

Is that Ice Cube with them as well?

Or am I just racist?

 

[Rowsdower!]

That pic makes me want to see those guys in some sort of LOTR spin-off. Cam can be a human or an elf, Cube can be a dwarf and Kevin can be a Hobbit.

Box office gold.

 

[Immortalfire]

Don't forget, this week is a special Saturday edition of Thursday night football.


Yes, they actually called it that on a promo I saw today.

 

[The Incredible Hulk]

yes I saw that.

Apparently "Saturday Night Football" is copywritten by ABC for their weekly college primetime game.

 

[JewishHobbit]

I need to stop reading comment sections. All the talk of how dirty the Bengals are by Steeler fans is getting to me. Yes, Burfict and Pacman can be dirty... but at least acknowledge that the Steelers are as well. I mean, lord, that whole game escalated because of a Steeler death threat against Burfict. And there are just as many dirty Steeler gifs from that game as Bengal gifs if not more.

 

[Unbreakable Lex]

Is that Ice Cube with them as well?

Or am I just racist?

Nah, that's Cube. He and Hart have a ride along two coming out.

 

[SomeOldGuy]

I need to stop reading comment sections. All the talk of how dirty the Bengals are by Steeler fans is getting to me. Yes, Burfict and Pacman can be dirty... but at least acknowledge that the Steelers are as well. I mean, lord, that whole game escalated because of a Steeler death threat against Burfict. And there are just as many dirty Steeler gifs from that game as Bengal gifs if not more.

I've been laughing hard all week at all the whining and crying from Steelers fans and players about how "dirty" the Bengals are. Irony is indeed the spice of life. And it's only gotten better since the league looked at the play most of them witched about the most (including Big Jen himself), the hit by Burfict, and declined to issue any fine. They did, however, fine David DeCastro for his face mask on Gilberry...which has sent the Pitt whine factory into overdrive.

 

[Matt]

As a Steelers fan, I will say this: the Steelers have actually disgusted me this week. First, a team with James Harrison has no business calling anyone else dirty. A team with a rapist as the quarterback has no business calling the integrity of anyone into question. How many players started this season under suspension due to off-field antics? 4 or 5 if memory serves. This team has no business calling anyone's professionalism into question. And even if they did have the moral high ground to be making these comments...DON'T. Be professionals. Quit whining about how dirty the Bengals are any time someone puts a microphone in front of you. Quit giving them bulletin board material. If you don't like their behavior, take it out on them on the field. Quit talking and start acting.

However, Tomlin's remarks have disgusted me more than anything. He basically said that the Bengals invaded their "area" so his players were right in "defending themselves aggressively."

WHAT!?!

1) This is not a ****ing gang war. You should be encouraging professionalism at all times. Your players should walk away like adults, not "defend their turf."

2) You, as head coach, should NEVER condone that type of nonsense. Do you think Bill Cowher would be pointing a finger at the Bengals and childishly crying "well they started it!"? What about Chuck Noll? Would he pass the buck? HELL NO. They would say "Our players were entirely wrong...even if the Bengals were out of line, our guys should never get physical outside of a game. They should make them pay on the field and the players who failed to do so will be disciplined."

Instead, Mike Tomlin is encouraging his team to act like thugs. There is a reason that this team went from one of class, integrity, and discipline under Bill Cowher, to one of the most penalized teams in the NFL and one of the teams with the most off the field incidents since Cowher left. And that reason is Mike Tomlin.

 

[JewishHobbit]

I'm scared to death these two teams are going to fall on the 3rd and 6th seeds and face each other in the Wildcard round. There won't be anyone left to play in round 2.

 

[Kane52630]

Thursday Night Football... aka Ketchup/Mustard Bowl 2015

 

[The Chris]

My eyes are really hurting right now.

 

[Reek]

If this is the Ketchup/Mustard bowl... I don't want to know what bowl the Falcons would be in.

 

[Kane52630]

The Punch bowl, obviously.

 

[Reek]

lol i just turned on the game and see you were talking about the Uni's... i took at is a 'piece of **** bowl' comment.

eesh.. what was worse... this game or the Bills/ Jets Christmas Bowl?

 

[Kane52630]

Man this game.... am I watching an episode of Legends of the Hidden Temple?

 

[HaplessHenchman]

Man, these uniforms are ugly. Can't believe the Rams are playing so well thus far. I know, it's early...