spdrknight
Sidekick
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2004
- Messages
- 1,449
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
So, Donald, does your character Renegade have any religious undertones or background? Because I don't remember readying from any of descriptions that this was so...
A Superhero I invented
- Thread starter donaldthe3rd
- Start date
Ghostrider87
Sidekick
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2005
- Messages
- 2,790
- Reaction score
- 149
- Points
- 73
I finished coloring the sketch. I will be posting it soon. I am curruntly writing the second appearnce of Cobra Queen.
donaldthe3rd
Civilian
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2006
- Messages
- 553
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 11
Well thats a pretty good question, Renegade is brought up as a Christian, but as he grows older he tends to stray from this but later on in the stories he will become very devoted to his religion. I'am working on a history for him, and if any of you can remember how close he was to Wolverine when I first posted him on here, well this might change your thoughts about him.
hippie_hunter
The King is Back!
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2003
- Messages
- 53,322
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
That looks good
Ghostrider87
Sidekick
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2005
- Messages
- 2,790
- Reaction score
- 149
- Points
- 73
Thanks. The Sears Tower is on the right. I should be getting the color copy next Wednesday or Thursday. I will upload on here once I get it.
donaldthe3rd
Civilian
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2006
- Messages
- 553
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 11
Thats a pretty sweet drawing
t:
t:donaldthe3rd
Civilian
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2006
- Messages
- 553
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 11
donaldthe3rd
Civilian
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2006
- Messages
- 553
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 11
For yet another time I give you my final and best draft for my best character i think yet, Renegade:
Real Name--Raymond Jewls. Jr
Aliases--none
Identity--Secret
Occupation--none
Citizenship--Canadian
Place of Birth--St. John, New Brunswick
Known Relatives--Raymond Jewls. Sr (Father), Jessica Jewls(mother), Michael Jewls(brother, a.k.a Timber), Klinton Jewls(brother, a.k.a Geiser).
Group Affiliation--The Lost Boys
Education--Still a highschool student
Height--5'10
Weight--150 lbs
Eyes--Brown
Hair--Black
Powers--Renegade is neither a human or a mutant. He is a species all of his own. His skeleton is very similar to that of a humans, but has some very unique differences. This makes his bones harder to break. He also has two claws on both of his forearms which he can release from their housings and onto the backs of his hands. He has a healing factor that is faster than that of a humans. He also is a highly skilled psycic, being able to read minds, control objects and people with mere thought.
Abilities--Extremely well artist and has a gift with writing and public speach to match.
Arch enemies--Crossbone, Genocide, Nightmare, Frostbite, Deathstrike, Deadbolt, Magnum, Gorella, Exile, Pain, Gorgon, Savage, Poisinsting, Blood Maiden, General, Chaos and Satan.
At the begining of time, before there was life, before there was anything, there were three plaines of existence. These plaines are still known today as Heaven, Hell, and the one that we all live on which is often refered to as the Universal Plaine. For each plaine there was a god. God was the god of Heaven. Satan was the god of Hell. But for the Universal Plaine, which god had made himself, it was left without a ruler. He did not want it to be ruled by the evil of Hell. So he watched over the plaine until he could find someone worthy to rule as its god. He tested many people of Earth, but none were ready to lead and guard an entire plaine of existence. Jesus Christ himself who was to take over as the God of the Universal Plaine, declined the offer and returned to Heaven so that he may help watch over Earth, and still does today. Thousands of years passed and it was not until a boy named Raymond Jewls was born on October 2, 1992 in Saint John, New Brunswick into a family of boys. Raymond was the middle child of his three brothers and always seemed to be the one who was far more unique than the rest, or for that matter anyone in the world. It was not by coincidence that Raymond was to become anything great, but by chance and fate. Raymond was born a mutant, whose abilties would prove great when they emerged.
At the age of fourteen, Raymond attended high school daily as he usually did. But it was this day that altered his life and the life of every living thing that existed around him. As Raymond passed alone through the hallways, he and the rest of the school's staff and students were alramed of an armed intruder and all class rooms were to be shut and locked for safety. Raymond ran into the closet and open room he could find. Coincidently he found many other students, including his best friend Jonathon Young. They hid quietly in the locked classroom, until the intruder broke the window in the door, turned the knob and made his way inside. The terrified crowd of students stared at the intruder. John asked him of his intentions still terrified for his life. The intruder replied with that he felt that mutants were the scourge of the earth and would exterminate humans if we let them live. John protested but was threatened back by the inrtuder by gun point. The short silence was broken by Raymond who stood against the intruder, questioning his authority and rights. Enraged the intruder grabbed Raymond and threw him across the room and without warning fired three shots at him without miss. As the shots echoed through the school, they were followed by screams of horrified students, but were quickly silenced by the enraged intruder. While threats are being made, Raymond's mutant abilities took charge and allowed him to heal away the new wounds and just save his life. Raymond rose himself from the ground, his body still ached from the wounds were blood had remained. Raymond drew the attention of everyone, as they had just seen and had thought him to be dead. The intruder knew at once that he had been a mutant and attempted to fire another shot at Raymond. Raymond's mind was both dazzled and greatly confused at what had just happened. His wounds healed much faster than that of any human but it all made sense to him now. He discovered he was a mutant. Before the intruder could pull the trigger Raymond lept out at him in an attempt to stop him and without knowing it released his bone claws from his hands. The intruder was impaled and died instantly, but Raymond screamed with pain as his claws fully emerged from the back of his hands. Terrified even of himself he ran from the room and into the h allway where he met with his other best friend Robert Kensworth. Robert could see Raymond's pain and helped himhide from sight. Raymond tried to stay under control as police charged into the building. Johnathon who was mesmerized by this erie event took a nervous break down and revealed his mutant abilities as well. Lightning broke free from all over his body, burning papers and chairs, breaking windows and floors. It all came to an end by the time the police had found him in a room that had been destroyed completely. Students were escorted out, the intruders body bagged and John who was discovered to be a mutant,was taken to biological research facility nearby to examine his abilities .
Raymond and Robert could only watch as their friend was taken away. Raymond's claws retracted and the pain eased away. Robert told Raymond that he to was a mutant, whose abilities were not to far from Raymond's. He had claws that could come from his fingers and had the senses and flexibility of a great cat. Raymond accepted this. Raymond and Robert both knew what would happen to John if those scientists have him, they would never let him leave until they would get what they wanted. Raymond heard from news reports about mutant cruelty and suggested to Robert that they save their friend. Raymond himself was a bit of a nerd, he collected a great amount of comic books over the years andhad favored superheroes. He thought and discussed it with Robert who agreed that they should where costumes so that they could be identified. They also chose names that suited them well. Raymond dawned Renegade and Robert had already been called Lynx, when he lived in Africa. Renegade and Lynx planned their break-in and made their attempt that night. When they finally made thier stelthy way inside, they found John in a holding cell. Renegade and Lynx revealed themselves to John and he swore to keep their identities secret. Later that night when the three were alone and safe, John told Raymond and Robert of the experiments that were performed on mutants and how many were across the country. He told them of mutants that were no longer mutants but weapons for the goverment. Disgusted with this Raymond knew what he had to do. He would fight the evil that haunted the world and bring not only peace to mutants but to humans and all living creatures alike. Robert agreed and so did John. The three joined together and became The Lost Boys, Raymond thought of the name from his favorite novel Peter Pan. They were only small group of people who tried to make the world a better place. As time passed Raymond had visions, he would talk to somone in his mind but could not make out who it was. One night Raymond using his telepathic powers concentrated as hard as he could and as hard as he had ever on this voice. It spoke softly to him as though it were watching over him. At once Raymond knew who it was. It was God. And he only spoke, "You will lead these people from the darkness of evil and bring them further than ever into light of peace, our savior, our god, Raymond Jewls".
Real Name--Raymond Jewls. Jr
Aliases--none
Identity--Secret
Occupation--none
Citizenship--Canadian
Place of Birth--St. John, New Brunswick
Known Relatives--Raymond Jewls. Sr (Father), Jessica Jewls(mother), Michael Jewls(brother, a.k.a Timber), Klinton Jewls(brother, a.k.a Geiser).
Group Affiliation--The Lost Boys
Education--Still a highschool student
Height--5'10
Weight--150 lbs
Eyes--Brown
Hair--Black
Powers--Renegade is neither a human or a mutant. He is a species all of his own. His skeleton is very similar to that of a humans, but has some very unique differences. This makes his bones harder to break. He also has two claws on both of his forearms which he can release from their housings and onto the backs of his hands. He has a healing factor that is faster than that of a humans. He also is a highly skilled psycic, being able to read minds, control objects and people with mere thought.
Abilities--Extremely well artist and has a gift with writing and public speach to match.
Arch enemies--Crossbone, Genocide, Nightmare, Frostbite, Deathstrike, Deadbolt, Magnum, Gorella, Exile, Pain, Gorgon, Savage, Poisinsting, Blood Maiden, General, Chaos and Satan.
At the begining of time, before there was life, before there was anything, there were three plaines of existence. These plaines are still known today as Heaven, Hell, and the one that we all live on which is often refered to as the Universal Plaine. For each plaine there was a god. God was the god of Heaven. Satan was the god of Hell. But for the Universal Plaine, which god had made himself, it was left without a ruler. He did not want it to be ruled by the evil of Hell. So he watched over the plaine until he could find someone worthy to rule as its god. He tested many people of Earth, but none were ready to lead and guard an entire plaine of existence. Jesus Christ himself who was to take over as the God of the Universal Plaine, declined the offer and returned to Heaven so that he may help watch over Earth, and still does today. Thousands of years passed and it was not until a boy named Raymond Jewls was born on October 2, 1992 in Saint John, New Brunswick into a family of boys. Raymond was the middle child of his three brothers and always seemed to be the one who was far more unique than the rest, or for that matter anyone in the world. It was not by coincidence that Raymond was to become anything great, but by chance and fate. Raymond was born a mutant, whose abilties would prove great when they emerged.
At the age of fourteen, Raymond attended high school daily as he usually did. But it was this day that altered his life and the life of every living thing that existed around him. As Raymond passed alone through the hallways, he and the rest of the school's staff and students were alramed of an armed intruder and all class rooms were to be shut and locked for safety. Raymond ran into the closet and open room he could find. Coincidently he found many other students, including his best friend Jonathon Young. They hid quietly in the locked classroom, until the intruder broke the window in the door, turned the knob and made his way inside. The terrified crowd of students stared at the intruder. John asked him of his intentions still terrified for his life. The intruder replied with that he felt that mutants were the scourge of the earth and would exterminate humans if we let them live. John protested but was threatened back by the inrtuder by gun point. The short silence was broken by Raymond who stood against the intruder, questioning his authority and rights. Enraged the intruder grabbed Raymond and threw him across the room and without warning fired three shots at him without miss. As the shots echoed through the school, they were followed by screams of horrified students, but were quickly silenced by the enraged intruder. While threats are being made, Raymond's mutant abilities took charge and allowed him to heal away the new wounds and just save his life. Raymond rose himself from the ground, his body still ached from the wounds were blood had remained. Raymond drew the attention of everyone, as they had just seen and had thought him to be dead. The intruder knew at once that he had been a mutant and attempted to fire another shot at Raymond. Raymond's mind was both dazzled and greatly confused at what had just happened. His wounds healed much faster than that of any human but it all made sense to him now. He discovered he was a mutant. Before the intruder could pull the trigger Raymond lept out at him in an attempt to stop him and without knowing it released his bone claws from his hands. The intruder was impaled and died instantly, but Raymond screamed with pain as his claws fully emerged from the back of his hands. Terrified even of himself he ran from the room and into the h allway where he met with his other best friend Robert Kensworth. Robert could see Raymond's pain and helped himhide from sight. Raymond tried to stay under control as police charged into the building. Johnathon who was mesmerized by this erie event took a nervous break down and revealed his mutant abilities as well. Lightning broke free from all over his body, burning papers and chairs, breaking windows and floors. It all came to an end by the time the police had found him in a room that had been destroyed completely. Students were escorted out, the intruders body bagged and John who was discovered to be a mutant,was taken to biological research facility nearby to examine his abilities .
Raymond and Robert could only watch as their friend was taken away. Raymond's claws retracted and the pain eased away. Robert told Raymond that he to was a mutant, whose abilities were not to far from Raymond's. He had claws that could come from his fingers and had the senses and flexibility of a great cat. Raymond accepted this. Raymond and Robert both knew what would happen to John if those scientists have him, they would never let him leave until they would get what they wanted. Raymond heard from news reports about mutant cruelty and suggested to Robert that they save their friend. Raymond himself was a bit of a nerd, he collected a great amount of comic books over the years andhad favored superheroes. He thought and discussed it with Robert who agreed that they should where costumes so that they could be identified. They also chose names that suited them well. Raymond dawned Renegade and Robert had already been called Lynx, when he lived in Africa. Renegade and Lynx planned their break-in and made their attempt that night. When they finally made thier stelthy way inside, they found John in a holding cell. Renegade and Lynx revealed themselves to John and he swore to keep their identities secret. Later that night when the three were alone and safe, John told Raymond and Robert of the experiments that were performed on mutants and how many were across the country. He told them of mutants that were no longer mutants but weapons for the goverment. Disgusted with this Raymond knew what he had to do. He would fight the evil that haunted the world and bring not only peace to mutants but to humans and all living creatures alike. Robert agreed and so did John. The three joined together and became The Lost Boys, Raymond thought of the name from his favorite novel Peter Pan. They were only small group of people who tried to make the world a better place. As time passed Raymond had visions, he would talk to somone in his mind but could not make out who it was. One night Raymond using his telepathic powers concentrated as hard as he could and as hard as he had ever on this voice. It spoke softly to him as though it were watching over him. At once Raymond knew who it was. It was God. And he only spoke, "You will lead these people from the darkness of evil and bring them further than ever into light of peace, our savior, our god, Raymond Jewls".
spdrknight
Sidekick
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2004
- Messages
- 1,449
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
Donald, I am not sure about the concept. It seems all over the place, almost like you brought together a bunch of stuff that sounds "cool" and did not think much about how those things were going to fit together and make sense.
For one thing: there is no explanation of the connection between Renegade's powers. Healing ability, bone claws, the telepathic abilities... there just does not seem to be a logical connection. Its all random, unless I don't understand how it ties together. Also, what is the deal with the skeleton? You did not explain that very well.
And why this guy Raymond? God just pointed a finger down to Earth and said "you shall rule the Earth for me"? You need to flesh out this idea better and possibly connect the character's powers/abilities to this heavenly destiny.
You also said that Renegade is not a human or a mutant, but you go and contradict this in the background/history of your character by having this idea of mutants and Renegade being one. So, what is Raymond/Renegade? This also goes back to fleshing out the plot when it comes to the whole God/Heaven thing. It is just, SO, random at this point.
My advise is this: tighten up your plot and maybe move more away from the whole "wolverine envy" your character has. Wrap it up in a nice package. Tie things together and organize the ideas so they are altogether a beautiful tapestry. This does not mean make it predictable or mainstream. What this means is, dude, make the plot flow and make sure it is smart. And above all... be original. It still seems like the character is pieced together from various places. Paying homage to existing characters and creator's works is cool, but don't make it obvious. Do something that is fresh, something that is from out there in left-field and make people say "wow, I wish I had thought of that".
These are just some things I see with the character and the story. Big thing though is, work on the plot and the universe you are creating. You can make things complex and intricate, yet make sure these things fit into the greater puzzle that is the story. Things do not fit right now, the tapestry is ragged and limp.
For one thing: there is no explanation of the connection between Renegade's powers. Healing ability, bone claws, the telepathic abilities... there just does not seem to be a logical connection. Its all random, unless I don't understand how it ties together. Also, what is the deal with the skeleton? You did not explain that very well.
And why this guy Raymond? God just pointed a finger down to Earth and said "you shall rule the Earth for me"? You need to flesh out this idea better and possibly connect the character's powers/abilities to this heavenly destiny.
You also said that Renegade is not a human or a mutant, but you go and contradict this in the background/history of your character by having this idea of mutants and Renegade being one. So, what is Raymond/Renegade? This also goes back to fleshing out the plot when it comes to the whole God/Heaven thing. It is just, SO, random at this point.
My advise is this: tighten up your plot and maybe move more away from the whole "wolverine envy" your character has. Wrap it up in a nice package. Tie things together and organize the ideas so they are altogether a beautiful tapestry. This does not mean make it predictable or mainstream. What this means is, dude, make the plot flow and make sure it is smart. And above all... be original. It still seems like the character is pieced together from various places. Paying homage to existing characters and creator's works is cool, but don't make it obvious. Do something that is fresh, something that is from out there in left-field and make people say "wow, I wish I had thought of that".
These are just some things I see with the character and the story. Big thing though is, work on the plot and the universe you are creating. You can make things complex and intricate, yet make sure these things fit into the greater puzzle that is the story. Things do not fit right now, the tapestry is ragged and limp.
donaldthe3rd
Civilian
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2006
- Messages
- 553
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 11
Well for one comic book powers dont have to "connect". Its just a rough draft of what I'm making. I couldn't write out his entire story line though I wish I had, so then maybe you would be able to understand it. I don't think I explained his powers or history very well then. When I said his skeleton was unique, I meant there's no other kind of creature with that skeletal structure. It's hard to explain in writing, but if I were to narrow this whole storyline down to the last period, I'm sure it would all make sense. And whats with all this "Wolverine envy" crap? Renegade is "nothing" like Wolverine. Their powers are different, their history is different, their personality is waaaay different, and the only thing that I can see as being similar to him is that their both from Canada but 2 completely different sides of the country.
spdrknight
Sidekick
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2004
- Messages
- 1,449
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
Why is the skeleton different, though? You keep on saying its unique, but how and why?
You said, "It's hard to explain in writing..." If you want to be a writer you have to be able to articulate what is going on in your head. This is the skill of a writer. If I were you, Donald, I would take some time and develop this skill if you have a hard time explaining things. Not being able to explain the most complex and details aspects of a character or a plot is not good. Communication is key, otherwise the reader does not know what your talking about.
And yes, the personality of the character is different, so is his history. Yet his powers- the skeleton, the claws (although there are only two per hand), and the healing -when you put that together it echoes ol' Wolvie.
Don't get upset by any of this either. It is just my opinion and it means nothing, obviously.
You said, "It's hard to explain in writing..." If you want to be a writer you have to be able to articulate what is going on in your head. This is the skill of a writer. If I were you, Donald, I would take some time and develop this skill if you have a hard time explaining things. Not being able to explain the most complex and details aspects of a character or a plot is not good. Communication is key, otherwise the reader does not know what your talking about.
And yes, the personality of the character is different, so is his history. Yet his powers- the skeleton, the claws (although there are only two per hand), and the healing -when you put that together it echoes ol' Wolvie.
Don't get upset by any of this either. It is just my opinion and it means nothing, obviously.
Duende Verde
Superhero
- Joined
- May 26, 2001
- Messages
- 6,119
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
Spider-Girl
Mayday Parker
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2006
- Messages
- 917
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 36
Perhaps you shouldn't have posted it until it was a more "polished" concept?
Yes you should have, people are going to pick apart things to make more since of them, if everything isn't there then they are naturally gonna have questions to ask.
These are key when creating a hero, it seems like you have been working on this character for so long that his powers and history should be concrete.
That and the retractable claws and healing factor...oh and the costume. You're hero won't be taken seriously with so much likeness. You could also be open to a law suit with Marvel if you decide to move forward and make money of "your character"
I know in this day in age it's hard to create a hero that doesn't already have a certain existing powerset, but it can be done. You just need to go back to the base of your character and start over, new powers and all.
I also find it hard to believe that God would chose a 14-15 yr old to be a "hero." As will alot of other people. If you are wanting to become a writer someday you should look Mary Sue up on wikipedia or better yet, here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue
Also no need to get upset with people when they post critiques or critisms about your work, you posted it, expect it to happen
Spider-Girl
Mayday Parker
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2006
- Messages
- 917
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 36
Super Midget?
You should give him longer legs.
donaldthe3rd
Civilian
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2006
- Messages
- 553
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 11
Yeah I screwed up on the legs lol. I plan to write a full summary of what my comic is about. I really should have wrote it all out so that its more understandable.
spdrknight
Sidekick
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2004
- Messages
- 1,449
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
How old are you donald?
donaldthe3rd
Civilian
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2006
- Messages
- 553
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 11
Well I'm not old enough to get a drivers license thats for sure. Why? How old are you?
Spider-Girl
Mayday Parker
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2006
- Messages
- 917
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 36
I hope I didn't sound *****y or condescending Donald. If I did, I'm sorry.
Machx72
Sidekick
- Joined
- Oct 28, 2006
- Messages
- 1,049
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
Spider-Girl;11514690 said:
Super Midget?
You should give him longer legs.
Well, instead of lengthening the legs, raise the crotch. It's a little too low.
This, in effect, will do the lengthening of the legs.
donaldthe3rd
Civilian
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2006
- Messages
- 553
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 11
lol Don't worry bout it Spider-Girl, I know what you meant, it was quite obvious to myself when I wrote it that I would have to redo parts and change some of it.
spdrknight
Sidekick
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2004
- Messages
- 1,449
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
No reason, I was just wondering. Sometimes when we are young we are still learning and trying to find our style. Nothing bad, I a sure you.
And I hope I did not offend you in any way. I was just trying to help you out. Sometimes though, when we are young, we get too attached to our characters and get too protective of each one. I understand that. Just take the advise and try to improve. Your audiance is who is going to be reading your story. Take everything with a grain of salt and just learn and grow, this criticism will help you be a better writer.
Again... sorry if I offended.
donaldthe3rd
Civilian
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2006
- Messages
- 553
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 11
Don't worry about it, I've been working on Renegade for 5 years now. He's changed so much from when I first made him, its hard to believe how far I've come.
spdrknight
Sidekick
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2004
- Messages
- 1,449
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
Oh yeah... I'm 23. Sorry, I didn't answer your question before. I also have some experience with writing, been doin' it a long time. I've got a lot of short stories under my belt as well as novellas, and I've written two books (working on the third).
donaldthe3rd
Civilian
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2006
- Messages
- 553
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 11
Oh really? what kinds of novels do you write? I've been trying to write a novel for a while now.
spdrknight
Sidekick
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2004
- Messages
- 1,449
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
Fantasy and horror mainly. The books I have written so far are part of a series. Not sure how many there will be, at the moment it looks like four to five. Those books are urban fantasy. I'm in the process of sending out the manuscript for the first novel. That and I'm thinking about self publishing and developing a following with readers and using that to leverage myself. Not sure yet, the publishing business is hard industry to get into.
Similar threads
Users who are viewing this thread
Staff online
-
Lily Adler🔥 Hot Scoops 🍨 -
squeeknessI'm a poor lost puppy -
Hunter RiderRonin -
SwordOfMorningSuper Moderator
