Advice and Relationships Again: A Hypester's Tale

[steintym]

Poor girl must have real issue if she still wants to associate with you.

 

[Anita18]

Just remember, that her future relationships in regards to trust and intimacy issues now may all stem from the way you treated her.

Could be worse. At least he was honest about it?

 

[Thedudehimself]

I knew her since we were both kids. I know her for 15 years now. We were always friends. I really like her, she is agood person. But I think its time for both of us to move on. Maybe she wants to stay friends because we know each other for so long.

 

[Darthphere]

I was wrong when I said you were an *******. You're an incredibly huge ****ing *******.

 

[steintym]

I knew her since we were both kids. I know her for 15 years now. We were always friends. I really like her, she is agood person. But I think its time for both of us to move on. Maybe she wants to stay friends because we know each other for so long.

You probably should have told her some of that instead of cheating on her to get her to break up with you. You obviously were ready to move on but didn't have the stones to tell her that.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Got b****es in stereo around here.

 

[Anita18]

You probably should have told her some of that instead of cheating on her to get her to break up with you. You obviously were ready to move on but didn't have the stones to tell her that.

That too.

But I suppose some guys are proud to be heartless?

 

[amazingfantasy15]

She still wants to stay friends with me. Damn, I guess that girl really liked me. Maybe she still does. I am a bad person.

She didn't like you, she loved you and it's gotta be pretty hard to let go of someone you loved. She probably can't believe after 15 years of friendship and however long your relationship was that you'd do something so awful to her.

So, today I broke up with my girlfriend. I told her the truth, that I cheated on her 4 days ago. She cried and was willing to give me another chance but I was serious about it. I said she should look for a better guy than me. When I arrived home afterwards I already had 6 mails from her in my inbox, in all of which she was whining that she want me back, she wants no one else. THIS IS DISGUSTING !! I did bad to her, cheated on her, yet she is not willing to get off her lazy butt and search for a guy who truly loves her more than I do. So lame of her. I did not respond.

This post is disgusting. Did you really think that you'd break up with her and she'd instantly be on the prowl for another guy?!?! She's hurt, confused, betrayed, depressed and probably feeling a few other emotions right now. She's probably not going to be out with another guys for awhile she needs time to heal from the awful things you did to her.

You sound like the villian of a Lifetime movie right now.

 

[The Guard]

Then what is it a question of? Uncontrollable hormones?

IMO, cheating is not just "a sign of weakness." It's a long series of very bad decisions. You flirt with this girl who is not your partner. That's one decision. You decide to buy her a drink. That's another. You ask for her number. You book a hotel, or go take her to your place, or hell, do it in your car. You sit her down on the couch or bed. You take one one article of her clothing. Then another. Then one of yours. Etc. And even THEN intercourse is not guaranteed.

Each one of the above is a separately individual decision, and to insinuate that cheating is as easy as laying eyes on another pretty girl does an extreme disservice to the male sex, just as much as people who claim men rape because male hormones are just that powerful. You are human. You have brains. Use them. I have more faith in men than that.

If you cheat and you feel bad about it, it was obviously very bad judgment and you need to talk to your partner to figure out why. If you feel you've let her down, or if you're done with the relationship and can't acknowledge it, or if you're fine with the companionship but wants some nookie on the side. I'm not saying that cheating is bad for all relationships. Some relationships/marriages are open and that's all great if everyone's okay with it. But it all comes down to communicating like the human beings we are.

I don't think its neccessarily a sign of weakness, either. Its like anything else. It depends on the situation. I would never insinuate that cheating is as easy as laying eyes on a pretty girl.

The type of cheating you describe is a series of decisions that led to an act. But not every act of cheating is that kind of emotional affair that leads to cheating. Nor are all emotional affairs neccessarily horrible things. The lines are blurred a bit. The causes of cheating are myriad...it can be a weakness, too much assertiveness, a series of bad decisions, alcohol or drugs (I know, I know, this falls under the other categories too), a misunderstanding...lack of communication...the list goes on and on.

There's this silly idea in our society that love means any one thing, and has universal rules like "You shouldn't do the things you're hardwired and socially pressured to do, and if you do, society INSISTS I take this as the worst thing that could ever happen to a person in their relationship and go to pieces and break up with you." I find that a ridiculous way to go through life. Never forgiving anyone, never using a failure to grow, and instead...lets just fall to pieces at the first sign of adversity...ugh.

Now yeah, if someone cheats and immediately feels guilty, obviously it wasn't a good idea. Obviously there's a reason for that guilt. Although sometimes thats just the pressure of societal expectations.

And sometimes cheating IS a horrible thing, and there's a pattern of deception and lying and someone is being indirectly abused. But again, its not universal.

I don't believe in sneaking around. I think its counterproductive. But I don't think cheating needs to be the death toll for a relationship either.

Obviously you've cheated on someone or been cheated on and taken them back, because you've managed to find a way of completely justifying and excusing it for yourself. That's fine.

Yes and no, though I felt this way even before those things happened.

I don't feel any need to justify it. I was more interested in understanding it and learning from it than making excuses for it and calling off my relationship or abandoning all the good things about it based on the few weaknesses in it.

I would not call my experiences with cheating the norm. I'm not sure I would even call it cheating. My issues were more a lack of communication about what we wanted/needed from each other. And even then I wouldn't neccessarily say that was the case. More like a sporadic lack of honest communication.

It damn well is a question of love AND respect. It's also a question of not being a completely selfish ****.

I don't think it is...at least, not love and respect for your partner. It certainly doesn't have to be, though it can be. But a lot of people who cheat will tell you its more about their own insecurities...that they didn't love and respect themselves enough, that they felt they needed to stray for whatever reason.

And yes, that's a question of love and respect, but not in the sense that you mean, and like I said, its hardly universal.

Though IMO, anyone with that level of a selfish nature is not capable of 'real' love as I understand it.

Thats because you apparently believe there are set rules about what real love has to be.

To me, real love doesn't have boundaries that strict. Real love can grow, and change, and evolve, and can weather something as scandalous as two humans canoodling like junkyard rabbits.

It reminds me of what my mum used to say about my grandad. She'd say he loved her 'in his own way'. And what that meant was that he was a selfish *****e, and loved her as much as he could love another person, but just wasn't capable of more, and wasn't capable of showing it very well.

Personally, that's never been good enough for me.

But that's you. If he, say, gave what he could...if that's honestly the best love he could give, could you really suggest that he never loved her because he couldn't or wasn't capable enough to give more?

If someone cheated on me, intentionally (and by that I mean it wasn't spur of the moment), completely sober, and with no indication of a fight or some massive relationship problems - the OF COURSE then there is one of two options. 1) They are completely selfish, 2) They don't love me.

It's that simple.

Why?

Why do they have to be "completely" selfish? Why can't it be situational?

Where is it written that "love" equals "never being attracted/being with another person"?

And I want to slap people every time I hear they cheated on someone and don't have the balls to tell them or break up with them.

As do I. Because its counterproductive, and its a little bit cruel. And to be clear, I mean "slap" in terms of waking people up, not slapping them to cause pain or out of aggression.

Well some people have low self esteem. Others don't think they are capable of moving on after the comfortableness of being in a relationship. Gone is the familiarity and they are unaccustomed to being alone. Plus there's that love thing she probably has for you that she can't exactly turn off.

And some people are just willing to forgive and give people another chance.

And some people just bottom line don't freak out over cheating like many do.

Seriously, while I get that some people stay with cheaters because of insecurity or a fear of being alone or what have you, the fact that people immediately condemn this kind of behavior...forgiveness and wanting to work out relationship
problems...that sickens me. People only seem to want what's easy in a relationship anymore.

And I think these types of black and white attitudes about what love and relationships are and can be cause more problems than they solve in our society

 

[Erzengel]

Well I believe in the sanctity of a relationship.

I don't want to be cheated on, nor would I expect to cheat on someone.

That being said, I'm not saying that I'm sort of self righteous person who would never cheat under any circumstances. But honestly, I've been in situations where I probably could have, but didn't.

Could I forgive someone? Maybe. Hard to say as I've never been in that position. I honestly hope I'm never in that situation.

But in regards to thedudehimself, who not only cheated, but felt no remorse, broke up with her, and acted like she was in the wrong for her behavior, I find reprehensible.

 

[AndrewGilkison]

So, today I broke up with my girlfriend. I told her the truth, that I cheated on her 4 days ago. She cried and was willing to give me another chance but I was serious about it. I said she should look for a better guy than me. When I arrived home afterwards I already had 6 mails from her in my inbox, in all of which she was whining that she want me back, she wants no one else. THIS IS DISGUSTING !! I did bad to her, cheated on her, yet she is not willing to get off her lazy butt and search for a guy who truly loves her more than I do. So lame of her. I did not respond.

You sound exactly like the kind of guy that I'd love to punch in the face.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I don't think its neccessarily a sign of weakness, either. Its like anything else. It depends on the situation. I would never insinuate that cheating is as easy as laying eyes on a pretty girl.

The type of cheating you describe is a series of decisions that led to an act. But not every act of cheating is that kind of emotional affair that leads to cheating. Nor are all emotional affairs neccessarily horrible things. The lines are blurred a bit. The causes of cheating are myriad...it can be a weakness, too much assertiveness, a series of bad decisions, alcohol or drugs (I know, I know, this falls under the other categories too), a misunderstanding...lack of communication...the list goes on and on.

There's this silly idea in our society that love means any one thing, and has universal rules like "You shouldn't do the things you're hardwired and socially pressured to do, and if you do, society INSISTS I take this as the worst thing that could ever happen to a person in their relationship and go to pieces and break up with you." I find that a ridiculous way to go through life. Never forgiving anyone, never using a failure to grow, and instead...lets just fall to pieces at the first sign of adversity...ugh.

Now yeah, if someone cheats and immediately feels guilty, obviously it wasn't a good idea. Obviously there's a reason for that guilt. Although sometimes thats just the pressure of societal expectations.

And sometimes cheating IS a horrible thing, and there's a pattern of deception and lying and someone is being indirectly abused. But again, its not universal.

I don't believe in sneaking around. I think its counterproductive. But I don't think cheating needs to be the death toll for a relationship either.



Yes and no, though I felt this way even before those things happened.

I don't feel any need to justify it. I was more interested in understanding it and learning from it than making excuses for it and calling off my relationship or abandoning all the good things about it based on the few weaknesses in it.

I would not call my experiences with cheating the norm. I'm not sure I would even call it cheating. My issues were more a lack of communication about what we wanted/needed from each other. And even then I wouldn't neccessarily say that was the case. More like a sporadic lack of honest communication.



I don't think it is...at least, not love and respect for your partner. It certainly doesn't have to be, though it can be. But a lot of people who cheat will tell you its more about their own insecurities...that they didn't love and respect themselves enough, that they felt they needed to stray for whatever reason.

And yes, that's a question of love and respect, but not in the sense that you mean, and like I said, its hardly universal.



Thats because you apparently believe there are set rules about what real love has to be.

To me, real love doesn't have boundaries that strict. Real love can grow, and change, and evolve, and can weather something as scandalous as two humans canoodling like junkyard rabbits.



But that's you. If he, say, gave what he could...if that's honestly the best love he could give, could you really suggest that he never loved her because he couldn't or wasn't capable enough to give more?



Why?

Why do they have to be "completely" selfish? Why can't it be situational?

Where is it written that "love" equals "never being attracted/being with another person"?



As do I. Because its counterproductive, and its a little bit cruel. And to be clear, I mean "slap" in terms of waking people up, not slapping them to cause pain or out of aggression.



And some people are just willing to forgive and give people another chance.

And some people just bottom line don't freak out over cheating like many do.

Seriously, while I get that some people stay with cheaters because of insecurity or a fear of being alone or what have you, the fact that people immediately condemn this kind of behavior...forgiveness and wanting to work out relationship
problems...that sickens me. People only seem to want what's easy in a relationship anymore.

And I think these types of black and white attitudes about what love and relationships are and can be cause more problems than they solve in our society

I really don't buy most of this. Cheating is an awful act, it's a complete betrayal of the relationship. Cheating to me implies going behind the other person's back and lying to them. It's something a couple can work out, but I don't know if I could. I'd definitely never look at the person the same again. I don't care what people say about base desires or instinct, we live in a society not the wild. When you make a comittment to someone, it should be honored, if you can't keep it in your pants, tell them that, make it known. If you do that and sleep with someone else it's cool, you've already told the other person you can't commit. However, to commit and then sleep with another person is a totally different scenario. The cheater has taken the easy path, not the cheatee.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

No it doesn't? Sometimes sex just happens. You don't think it will but it does. I f*** a few chicks I thought were just friends. They just started making out with me. So accidents happen. Drinking can certainly compound such situations. If it happens, it depends on how long it's been going on, and what the circumstances are but it's not a death sentence. It's a major hurdle to climb though but it can be done as long as everyone is mature and can stay mature about it.

I would consider spending all my money behind my back far worse actually.

I'm all for exclusive relationships but sex is just sex. If there's no kids yet, no ring at least, then there's some grey area. Money is something I work for, put hours of tedium towards. That is a worse breach of trust.

 

[Erzengel]

Sex isn't like stepping in s'. Well at least for some people.

I mean if you are consisting putting yourself in situations where your fidelity is tested, then that's pretty much on you.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

No it doesn't? Sometimes sex just happens. You don't think it will but it does. I f*** a few chicks I thought were just friends. They just started making out with me. So accidents happen. Drinking can certainly compound such situations. If it happens, it depends on how long it's been going on, and what the circumstances are but it's not a death sentence. It's a major hurdle to climb though but it can be done as long as everyone is mature and can stay mature about it.

I would consider spending all my money behind my back far worse actually.

I'm all for exclusive relationships but sex is just sex. If there's no kids yet, no ring at least, then there's some grey area. Money is something I work for, put hours of tedium towards. That is a worse breach of trust.

So if you settled down with a girl in a committed relationship, you wouldn't care if she went out and slept with someone else?

I'm not saying one night stands or friends with benefits are wrong or anything like that, both people know there's no committment involved. I'm saying once you enter a committed relationship you shouldn't be having sex with other people, unless it's something the other person is okay with. That's usually not the case though. If you don't think you can keep it in your pants, then don't get in a committed relationship.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

So if you settled down with a girl in a committed relationship, you wouldn't care if she went out and slept with someone else?

I didn't say I wouldn't care I said it's not a death sentence. Meaning I can think of instances where I'd forgive her for it and try to continue the relationship.

The basic thing is cheating has no real tangible impact on my life. It's emotionally jarring, but relationships don't always run smoothly, and maybe they really do love each other and things move on like nothing happened. Cheating is pretty rampant. It's tough to find someone who you could trust for 40+ years never to do it. Even if you do, there's no guarantee it won't happen. You really have zero control over it.

So it's simply not a death sentence in my eyes.

Mess with my money, abuse my property, physically hurt me or try to psychologically abuse me...that's much worse and I take it much more seriously.

Things like cheating either have to happen early for me, at which point it's just like "nice time, have fun with him". Or have to be repeated offenses, or at least something someone lied or never came clean about.

If a girl I was dating for a long time and she came to me the next morning and said "I'm so sorry, I was drinking and I cheated". I'd be rightfully mad, but it would seem at least after that first slip up that the relationship was something she valued due to her honesty. Obviously if all of the sudden this is a problem (i.e. second time)...yeah she'd have to go.

 

[moviedoors]

I can't sympathize with any cheater. I've never cheated. I've been tempted, sure. But to be tempted is to be human. What matters is how you act on those base desires. Yeah, I see a customer at work, thin with great skin, young and sexy, and my primate brain wants nothing more than to have that, right now. But I am NOT a primate. I am a member of the most evolutionary successful species on this planet. I have a brain, I have an intellect, and I can choose. Do I go with my most reptilian, in-the-moment instinct, or do I act better than that? No one said love was easy. That's exactly why it's worth it. Any excuses you want to make, are just that: excuses. I have no sympathy for someone who hurts someone they made a promise too. **** you. If you weren't prepared to stay true to that promise, then don't bother making it. You are nothing more than an obnoxious child wailing over a toy your mother won't buy you. Grow up and take some goddamn responsibility.

 

[The Guard]

What matters to many people is apparently someone never failing them. Which is just...silly.

Speaking of promises...what about the "for better or worse" part of the promise?

 

[moviedoors]

What matters to many people is apparently someone never failing them. Which is just...silly.

Speaking of promises...what about the "for better or worse" part of the promise?

That sounds suspiciously like excuses.

My wife once told me she could forgive me any transgression, except cheating. Then she back tracked and said she could probably even get over that. That however is not an excuse to **** around on her. In fact, given that admission, it would be even more egregious for me to take advantage of it. If ever my relationship flatters with my wife and I want another person, I will tell her to her face before I make a move. If I'm going to break her heart, I'm not also going to be a bald face liar and a duplicitous piece of ****.

The way some of you are posting, it's like you just trip, fall, and immediately insert yourself into intercourse. Give me a break. That is not how sex works. I can't think of a better example of lying to yourself. Just because you're horny isn't an excuse. We're all horny. If you're so weak you can't keep it in your pants, then don't even bother committing to another person. To be committed is to put the ultimate trust in another person. It is more painful than shattered bones when someone betrays that trust.

And trying to use alcohol as an excuse? Give me a break. No one made you take that drink, and you are 100% responsible if you don't know how to handle that. That is entirely on you. You don't get to blame the drink.

If you don't feel guilty after cheating, then yeah, something was wrong, but it was also your responsibility to deal with that flaw before crushing someone you made a promise to. You ****ed up by not moving to set things right before destroying them. This blase attitude towards the promise couples make between one another, this desire to excuse it, absolutely sickens me. When you make a promise, it isn't "just sex" anymore. I've had my fill of people with good intentions. It is what you do that defines you.

 

[The Guard]

That sounds suspiciously like excuses.

Except that it's not.

I don't believe I've presented it as an excuse. An excuse is an excuse. A justification. And not all explanations for behavior are excuses for behavior either. There's not an ounce of excuse to raising the legitimate question "What about forgiveness? What about that part of the marriage vows?"

I'm really not sure where you get the idea that we think you trip, fall and insert yourself into intercourse. Are you actually reading the posts we've made?

To be committed is to put the ultimate trust in another person. It is more painful than shattered bones when someone betrays that trust.

If you don't feel guilty after cheating, then yeah, something was wrong, but it was also your responsibility to deal with that flaw before crushing someone you made a promise to. You ****ed up by not moving to set things right before destroying them.

This is one of my issues with society's views on cheating...that people view this act as something that must inherently "crush" or "destroy" someone when it is discovered.

That people think you MUST feel this when it happens.

That strikes me as an incredibly dangerous mindset to have.

Its ascribing sexual acts with a power they don't neccessarily have.

 

[moviedoors]

Except that it's not.

An excuse is an excuse. A justification.

There's not an ounce of excuse to raising the legitimate question "What about forgiveness? What about that part of the marriage vows?"

I'm really not sure where you get the idea that we think you trip, fall and insert yourself into intercourse.

Are you actually reading the posts?

Optimus Prime: Sometimes sex just happens.

Gee, I wonder where I'm getting this idea.

Obviously, you didn't say that, but you are now taking the time to defend it. I won't. You're either committed or you're not. The terms of a relationship are pretty clear.

I'll ask you now, a two part question: did YOU ever cheat on someone? Have you ever been cheated on?

 

[moviedoors]

.

Its ascribing sexual acts with a power they don't neccessarily have.

And denying a physical act its emotional and psychological component is cowardly. What you DO defines you. I don't give a **** what you say you feel. I am through with good intentions. If you're a good person, you act like it. If I screw another woman, I am proving I don't care about the emotional commitment I made. It is a lie. I have proved that I am mentally feeble enough to throw away a promise to another person.

Sex is not the be all, end all of a relationship, but throwing that to the wind is childish. If you dive in with your genitals, and then go "it's just sex," when you made a promise, you are an emotional and intellectual liar. For all the great game you talk, you have proved you are incapable of actually walking your talk.

And for the record, I have no problem with polyamorous relationships, with swingers, with sleeping around. As long as you're honest, I say go at is until your genitals fall off. But don't you dare enter a monogamous relationship and try and make excuses for your own transgressions. That makes you purely and simply a liar.

 

[Schlosser85]

I knew her since we were both kids. I know her for 15 years now. We were always friends. I really like her, she is agood person. But I think its time for both of us to move on. Maybe she wants to stay friends because we know each other for so long.

So you broke the heart of a lifelong friend and girlfriend, and then come on here and say she's disgusting, lazy, and lame?

Stay classy.

I genuinely can say I pity the next person who gets into a relationship with you.

 

[twylight]

So you broke the heart of a lifelong friend and girlfriend, and then come on here and say she's disgusting, lazy, and lame?

Stay classy.

I genuinely can say I pity the next person who gets into a relationship with you.

I can't say on Hype what I really want to say to him.

 

[moviedoors]

Got b****es in stereo around here.

I just noticed this post. And you have the gall to act moral? You should be ashamed of yourself. You don't get a pass for trying to use humor.