Tempest
....What?
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- Jun 30, 2013
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I've watched the video in the article before, and I find it disturbing... but only disturbing for the guy doing that poetry reading. He has a very unhealthy outlook - AND he gets applauded for it.
The implication of his reading is that believes that he had the potential to be a rapist
Through a series of stereotypes and clichés through his reading, he's bought into this idea that men have a rape switch.
Feeling bitter because your first girlfriend had sex with her next boyfriend and not you is an emotional reaction, and you get over it and you move on. It doesn't make you a potential rapist.
If he's really saying that he was only nice to women because he had the expectation of being rewarded sex, that's on him. Even if that is the case, it doesn't make him a potential monster. But I'd suspect (though I can't test this suspicion) that this isn't even the case, that he was nice because he just is nice, and it was only later on that he started buying into clichés like "Being accepted as a friend shouldn't be some consolation prize".
These stereotypes described in the article, of a guy feeling entitled, feeling he was owed something, getting angry at the girl because she doesn't want anything more than friendship, this DOES exist, sure, I'd say particularly for younger people who have yet to learn and mature. But it is not what articles like that make it out to be.
Relationships are complex, emotions are complex, and there are many variations of what can be called the 'friend zone'. It isn't exclusively men that use the term, it isn't even exclusively heterosexuals that use the term. But somehow, the stereotype has become the be all and end all for what has become known as the internet social justice warriors. Like, if you use the term, its problematic, its misogynistic, etc, without any other considerations.
The friend zone doesn't make someone a powerless victim. There is a way out. You can decide to not be friends with the object of your affection. You can break off the friendship. And I think the SJWs would have a problem with that too. The whole, 'oh so you only saw the friendship as a consolation prize' thing. And its like, no, it can actually be emotionally painful and draining, to spend time with someone that you have feelings for when you know they don't feel the same towards you. And just in the same way that she doesn't owe you a relationship, you don't owe her friendship, either. It works both ways. It isn't anyone's fault; it's just the way it is, that's emotions for ya. We can't be emotionless Vulcans.
I think the SJW point of view presented in the article is too simplistic, quite immature, and presents actually very harmful and untrue view points, like, the friend zone is somehow a precursor to rape??
Notice how towards the end of the article, when addressing situations in which the object of affection KNOWS the other person likes them and uses that to take advantage, the writer acknowledges this exists, but believes that it is twisting the original idea of "friendzone", and "we don't know how common it is". We also don't know how common the stereotype of the man that just wants sex is. Ye see how writers like this are consciously selective of whatever reasoning that supports their position while rejecting other interpretations?
The writer quotes this
And the ironic thing is that I think THIS is the most common 'friend zone' from the view of men (although there's no immediate way to test this). A man that thinks "it never occurred to me to be nice to a girl or become her friend for sex or a relationship". I don't think most people intend this when the 'friend zone' happens.
The problem with the writer, and the guy in the video, is that the assume they worst about the term. They assume the worst about men in general (just wants sex, putting nice coins into a machine hoping for sex in return), they even assume there's a monster hidden inside of men. The guy in the video thinks there's a monster hidden inside of himself! He literally believes that he could have been a rapist, and he gets applauded for it. This sort of self-shaming, guilt, and assuming the worst, is not conducive towards progressing understanding of these complex relationships and emotions.
Oh you're right. Let's just dismiss the very idea that the friend zone can be misogynistic, even dangerous for women, because wow, I don't want men to feel bad about themselves. Their lives are hard enough
The friend zone is not misogynistic in itself. It is who talks about it the most, who have the loudest voices, that are the ones that make it seem misogynistic. Remember the guy who shot seven people because women just didn't understand what a super great guy he was? He and his internet buddies hated women, and hated the friend zone. They are not a representation of the entirety of the male population. They're a small, immensely dangerous segment of the male population. Pretending that they don't exist, or denying the danger they present, is a disservice. And perhaps the entirety of men wouldn't be lumped in with them if there wasn't a constant attempt to shut down any conversation about how dangerous a man can be if he happens to feel rejected.
Look, I know that all guys are not bad. In fact, the assortment of males on this forum tend to be delightful, intelligent, and overall fun. Most guys are great, and in general, I would trust quite a few of them.
That's why you need to be made aware of the Bad Things Lurking. You may never, ever do a single thing to harm a woman. But you ought to be aware that a lot of women in your life may be the victims of male harassment, male abuse, male sexual assault.
I work with 20 women. Seven of us have been raped. Three of us have been in abusive relationships. One of us has been stalked.
It's not 'social justice nuts', it's not internet lies. There are real problems out there. Denying that there are problems does not help to fix them.
