really? No one is throwing out he might be bi? Sounds to me likes both women and men. Could just be me though that thinks that.
I second this sentiment as well. Keep us posted LS.
And a key that fast? Wooooooooooow.
Personally, from what I've read, C) seems unlikely at best.
Does this mean you think Lightning is a girl?
So as I mentioned last night was incredibly...well, enlightening.
We were going to meet at a coney island but he decided that he'd just get carry out instead. So we got some eats and went back to his place. It's a nice apartment, nothing flashy, but very spacious. Of course he was wearing his cop uniform still so he said the first order of business was for him to shower and change. Now keep in mind, he was extremely happy that I was still willing to meet him after I initially blew him off. But he was definitely tired from working all night on the beat.
So he went into the bathroom which is just off the livingroom area. I sat at the bar area and started separating our food orders. He left the bathroom door a little more than halfway open and started taking off his clothes. I tried hard not to stare but I admit it was....I thought it was interesting that he left the door open. I mean, I've seen Jason naked several times in the past, but in public gym showers and lockerrooms where he really had no choice in the matter. This definitely was different because we were in his crib and he obviously had full control of what he wanted me to see. He took his time unbuttoning his cop shirt, and he was facing the mirror which allowed both of us to see the other's reflection. He cut his eyes away as if I wasn't even there.
Anyway, he got in the shower and did his thing. When he stepped out he dried off watching me still in the mirror's reflection. I was drinking my Coke...and I stared back directly at him. This was the first time I did not avoid eye contact with him. So we just kept staring at eachother as he dried off. He put on a white t-shirt and some gray sweat pants. He came out and home skillet was flopping all over the place. North, south, east and west. And Jason didn't even care. He sat down next to me, grabbed the remote, turned on the television late night news and started eating. I said, I thought we were going to talk? He said, We will but I want to eat first.
Now this kinda pissed me off. This guy was making me wait--ME: as in CALIPH--wait. But then I thought about it: I had made him wait the same way for weeks now. So I just swallowed my ego and kept eating my salad. He kept looking over at me, chewing. After the news was over, he was like, come sit over here on the couch. So we sat on the couch. And he just stared at me. I was like, "What?" And he started smiling with this really cheesy grin. He was blushing so badly. So I told him to spit it out...and he took another drink from his soda. He kept clearing his throat and drinking more soda. So I said, "Okay, I'm gonna help you."
I asked him "Do I make you feel uncomfortable?" He said no. But he said that I made him feel different than any guy he had ever met. I asked in what way. He said I made him feel really nervous, and happy and sexy all at the same time. I repeated Sexy? Do you want to have sex with me? And we both laughed. He said, No, not at all...I'm straight. He started drinking more soda and it got real quiet. He kept looking down at the floor. I said, You are one bashful mothaf**** aren't you?
Dude could not get it out. And for some reason I couldn't either. I had gone into this telling myself I am going to break the ice and tell him how I felt. But his nervousness made me nervous too. So I said I gotta go pee. I left. When I came back he stood up from the couch before I could sit back down. And he just stopped me and put his hand on my shoulder. And he started like...rubbing it or whatever. LOLIt made me smile because I'm kinda ticklish here. He said Dayum man...you got shoulders for days or something along those lines. So I got up my nerve and put his hand on my left pec right above the nipple. He looked at his hand like, WTF is happening. I told him not to be afraid of me. And then he started massaging my chest. I kinda drew him closer to me. He was like, "Stop. I've never kissed a dude before." I said, it's okay. I will teach you.
And then we finally locked lips. Thank you Lawd Jesus!
At first it was kinda forced. He was awkward and kept bending his face in a way that made the ergonomics fail. Like he wouldn't open his mouth. His hands were trembling...he kept gulping as if he was losing air. But it started getting good to him and he started loosening up. Unfortunately, his breath was stinking. (he had had a coney dog). And of course, I told him so.
I start talking too much when I'm a bit nervous, so he cut me off by kissing me again--and this time it was like no holds barred. He said he had never done anything like this before and it was just crazy. We were totally like molesting eachother but fully clothed. We kinda lost our balance and collapsed on the couch. I think we kissed for at least an hour--no lie. Fully-clothed. When we got tired, we stopped...like out of breath. I took off my turtle-neck and he saw my Fireman T-shirt and he paid absolutely no attention to it. He was more interested in my dog-tags and he put them in his mouth between his teeth..and that move was sexy as **** to me. I mean...that made me ache for real at that point.
We just laid on the couch, him on top of me and we kissed for a while longer. The big shocker? When we came up for air again, Jason fell asleep. He was so tired. So we just kinda held eachother and I eventually fell asleep too. I know it sounds crazy--and yes--our bulls were raging, but he had already worked a 12 hour shift. And it was waaaaaaaaaaaay past my bedtime. We were just too tired to f***, even though we really, really wanted to. Around 4:45 AM we woke up partially, and he was like, you might as well stay since it's so late. So I took off my jeans but kept on my T-Shirt (I was wearing boxers). We got in his bed and literally fell back asleep but this time I held him in my arms. It was...great. Even better than sex.
So no, guys and gals, there was no sex for Lightning last night. But I think we had something better than love-making...we were intimate on another level. When I woke up, his head was on my chest and that's where it belonged.
I will tell you the rest later...I said I wasn't going to type another book tonight.
It's like reading a romance novel! lol
Anyway, he cooked breakfast for us this morning. He was really quiet. [blackout]He looked really hot in his sweat pants and wife-beater, especially while he was scrambling those eggs. LOL[/blackout] So I said are you okay? He was like, "Yeah. But I want you to know that I'm not gay." I said, dude you slept with a man last night. A MAN. With a d***. What do you call it? He said, we didn't have sex though. So that doesn't count. So I asked him if he was trying to convince me or himself?
I said Do you have regrets about last night? He said no. So I was like, so what do you feel? He said he had feelings for me, both romantic and sexual, along with friendship and he was trying to fight the romantic and sexual sides. So I said I had the exact same feelings for him. I asked Do you want to fight the feelings together? Because you're right, we haven't done anything. But that doesn't change what you are, or how we feel about this."
He said that he needed some time to think about it. He said it was a wonderful feeling sharing a bed with me last night and that he could imagine doing that and more for the rest of his life with me, but he had a lot of questions: What would his family and friends think? How would he be judged? So I told him I understand. I asked him "Do you want me to just leave you alone and stop dealing with you?" He said "No, I definitely want you around. I just need time."
So we went jogging down the street (it was cold as hell) and ran some other errands together today. We came home and he cooked again. We finally watched Star Trek. When we sat on the couch to watch the film he had no problem getting close to me physically. For example, at one point he was sitting on the floor betwen my legs, just chilling. He is definitely more comfortable touching me now. When it came time for him to go to work, he said to come talk to him as he got ready. So I followed him in the bed room and I sat on the bed and we talked. He took all of his clothes and again didn't mind me seeing him in all his glory. [blackout]Jason has one of the most beautiful bodies I have ever seen. I'd describe it here but I am trying to keep this PG-13. [/blackout]
We just talked about his emotions and his struggle with gay feelings. And we talked about us. I asked him did he want to pursue a relationship? He said "I don't know. It's all too new to me. But we shouldn't have sex until I figure it out." So I told him that I respect that. So I said, "it's a bromance for now then?" He said "Maybe. We'll see".
That dissapointed me a lot. I am not trying to be someone's experiment. He had to go to work so he told me I could hang out at his apartment for as long as I liked. And get this--he gave me a key to his apartment. And he's still at work now.
So....WTF???
Personally, from what I've read, C) seems unlikely at best.
You've got a closeted guy who works in the police force. There's some conservative motherf***ers in that joint.
Hell, there's some conservative motherf***ers in the South Australian police force and we tend to be quite a ways left of the US generally...
What I'm trying to say here is that this guy obviously feels more than C). It would take more than C) just for what happened with you two last night (or the night before - I can be pretty ****e with time zone adjustments) to even get off the ground.
You've left out E) A partner if he can get together the testicular fortitude to allow you into his life.
Now that sounds harsh how I worded it... but essentially that's what it comes down to. Having the nuts to come out and be open with those who actually matter to you, to let them know how you are. Now that's easy for me to say as a heterosexual, white male of 27 (f*** me, where have the years been going...) years. Very easy. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not fortunate in that how I am isn't easy for me to convey to those closest to me.
I'm also not going to lie and say that I would definitely have the gumption to tell my own folks if things were different... I'm not that full of s***.
Anyway... where the hell was I... getting lost in the middle of my own pearls of wisdom/pre-30s senility...
Yes. You seem very eager to talk it down and either over-think the situation or omit the most positive possible outcome as either not an option or too unlikely to be taken seriously.
You're coming across as too many folk in the Relationship thread come across (and I've been guilty of quite frequently myself over the years).
That is... Too scared to think positively, to accept that the positive COULD HAPPEN, for fear of the potential failure and its effect on your own id.
Don't be.
If you look at the people who have been following what's been taking place with you recently, you'll see they're seeing the same things, your friends outside of here have been saying similar things. Overanalysis.
You've clearly got something going for you at this point in time, because you've got a guy who has a hell of a lot of reasons to be terrified of the situation he's found himself in. He's experiencing new s*** which is making him question the labels that mankind gives itself. He's creating more and more elaborate definitions to justify how he's going about his life, because the society we live in doesn't treat people equally and that same society seems to be ok with that.
Dude's terrified of what he could be thought of... but he's still doing that WITH YOU for some reason.
To suggest that such a thing could only be the result of him wanting to use you as an emotional crutch OR a sex object is selling yourself short in the extreme.
Anyway... enough of a lecture from me... Well done, mate. The fish jumped right in the boat, now all you've got to do is whack 'im with the oar... etc, etc, etc.
Keep the updates coming!
*sigh*
I think that right now, you shouldn't worry too much, LS. So far, you've got to remember that for him, he is being incredibly brave and moving pretty damn fast for someone who has never been with a man before. He could've just ignored his feelings if he truly didn't want to be romantic with you. But he chose to act on them, and let you stay at his place. He snuggled with you. That in itself is very intimate. The man is opening himself up to you, and I think you just have to be patient while he struggles with normal feelings of fear at the unknown. It's natural for him to worry, "what will everyone else think?" because he seems to sense that if he creates a partnership with you, that it will be SERIOUS. No one else knows that he's bi. That's a big deal for him. Think back to when you may have experienced similar feelings of fear at one time.
You're right. And I need to be patient. I do distinctly remember a time when I was the exact same way. And it took time for me to really come into my own. It's sorta like being an X-Man or some other kind of mutant: the true nature of bi or homosexuality may have always been present since birth, but it's not until we reach maturity that the "powers" truly become manifest--and dangerous. I was a late bloomer--and it wasn't until after I had been married that I realized that I was ignoring half of myself that was laying dormant the whole time. And now, like X3's Jean Grey said to Logan in the lab "I don't want to fix it."
Jason's own "dark phoenix" seems to be finally emerging like mine did. And I have to be patient with the process.
LOL I had to "teach" David in the exact same way as I was also his first M2M experience. And that lasted 11 years of my life so maybe I'll be lucky again with Jason?
Ya know...it's funny: for some reason I've had a LOT of "straight" guys wanting to sexually experiment with me over the years. Or at least confide in me. And I'm like, what's up with that? I do wonder what they see in me of all people.
j/k
