Lord of the Advice: Return of the King of Relationships

[Schlosser85]

As the flip side (sort of) to the discussion earlier, I've always wondered how hard/frustrating it is for women to find a man who knows what he's doing, sexually.

Any female Hypesters have any comments?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'm not a women but I'm thinking yes. Probably harder if not comparable.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

The vagina can be a mysterious thing to some men. Especially finding that elusive g-spot.

Men on the other hand, just have a huge, very simple pleasure sausage. The only time I've had to correct a girl is if she was giving a toothy bj.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I wouldn't say that's the only time, but it is indeed a simple device.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I can't get off too well when a woman doesn't move at all. Just lays still and doesn't really try any interesting positions. I mean I want to go to town a bit. For me boredom is something that can make it take longer for me.

 

[Anita18]

As the flip side (sort of) to the discussion earlier, I've always wondered how hard/frustrating it is for women to find a man who knows what he's doing, sexually.

Any female Hypesters have any comments?

I've only slept with one person so I guess my opinion matters naught, but IMO as long as you have a guy who is communicative and isn't just thinking about his own pleasure, it can't be THAT hard...

Or maybe it is and I just got exceedingly lucky. He isn't done until I get mine. Or if I tell him to stop if I'm not feeling it.

I've had friends tell me where a guy will just go at it like a rabbit and roll over afterwards and ask, "So was it good for you?" and they're like, "Uhhhh..."

 

[Anita18]

I can't get off too well when a woman doesn't move at all. Just lays still and doesn't really try any interesting positions. I mean I want to go to town a bit. For me boredom is something that can make it take longer for me.

That sounds boring too. I don't get off too well either when I just lay there like a piece of meat.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

That sounds boring too. I don't get off too well either when I just lay there like a piece of meat.

Yeah, some do I guess. They certainly seem not to enjoy it either, and some people just aren't comfortable in sexual situations.

 

[terry78]

I've only slept with one person so I guess my opinion matters naught, but IMO as long as you have a guy who is communicative and isn't just thinking about his own pleasure, it can't be THAT hard...

Or maybe it is and I just got exceedingly lucky. He isn't done until I get mine. Or if I tell him to stop if I'm not feeling it.

I've had friends tell me where a guy will just go at it like a rabbit and roll over afterwards and ask, "So was it good for you?" and they're like, "Uhhhh..."

They're watching too many pornos.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

so... umm... i think i'm either getting other girls to notice me, or reading too much into things again -- i got three phone numbers over the course of the past few weeks, all from girls who came up and either introduced themselves/asked for name/started talking

i kept telling myself that im reading too much into things again but it seems with three different girls in three different places (college, coffee shop, and at work... no it's not my "friend" and no she wasn't around at work then), maybe im not the hopeless case after all? the girl from college today confessed "why am i telling you all this?" and started smiling. I'll keep an eye out for her... i guess?

I guess one thing to remember here is this. These are relatively new people to you. So when you text them, even if you don't get to a point in a conversation where you can ask you out, if they stop texting you back. STOP. Also if they give you a definitive conservation ender, just stop and give them the last word. Nothing wrong with that. That way you're making sure to only give the attention you're getting the first time you text them. Or call them. Don't leave a message if you call them, or if you do just be like "Yo, what's up, this is Nave, call me back". Because that's all you want, is a chance to talk to them. If they pick up, obviously you're good to go.

Let them talk more. I think I remember your age range correctly, so yeah, most of them to need to fill in much dead air for them. "Uh-huh", "wow that's cool", "yup" and "it sounds like everyone you work with is so mean" are perfectly acceptible answers. Okay, maybe I'm just being silly at this point.

Yeah though, don't text them ad nausum. A good simple ask out is, just text: "Hey, this is Nave, what're you up to?". See this is an non intrusive question because they kind of already know what you're getting at, but it gives you information up front as to whether it's an appropriate time to ask them out or to come hang. You might also get some insight into what they like to do, so it's not a bad way to start a conversation. Lots of places to go from there.

I dislike "how're you doing" because unless the answer is really bad, in which case you didn't want to know anyways, the answer is gonna be the stock "good". I know this because it's the same stupid stock answer I give. How're you? Good. As opposed to: "oh, I'm chronically worried about money, and trying desperately to make as much as I can, so I can maybe retire one day. My cat's been sh***ing OUTSIDE the litter box! And they cancelled Avengers: EMH!!!!". Nope, that's a normal day, it becomes "good".

Also, if you can think of a joke, or a good opener: mull on it a day. Sometimes I'll write and rewrite the first text I want to send someone, and honestly I don't feel there is shame in that. Just don't keep a record of that kind of thing. I think it's perfectly fine to rehearse your own stuff. I always think about my audience, the person I'm about to talk to, what we've talked about, and then I'll come up with something kind of smooth off of that. It's got to be like the "un-line" though. I always think like that.

To me though, getting them to approach you is great.

 

[knowsbleed]

And yes, knowsbleed, she is Japanese.

Japanese American or just straight up Japanese from Japan? I have a lot of experience with the latter... the former remains a mystery to me still. I do not mess with many American women.

Here's one from me: There's a girl, and we're 'just friends'. I've never really made a pass at her as she does date someone but she's hot. Like she does modelling, runways and beach wear shoots all the time. We are really just friends though. The sauciest conversation I've tried having with her is "Heat or OKC, who do you like?". Conversely, while I've maintained this aloof friendship with her, I'm not oblivious. I made out with her sister [BLACKOUT]rave whilst on E, so it's quite possible she knows I'm not as square as I tend to like people to think I am in real life.[/BLACKOUT] Way back then her sister made an awkward comment that she heard "I was really cool", although I never really knew who said that. I don't really know anyone she knows besides her sister (although my cousin could've said something -- I tend to think of my family as sh** talkers though)

Recently though, specifically like the last three days I noticed some things that made me go "huh?". First she started calling me "baby", which I just don't have any reccollection of her calling me that before. She also stuck around until I left the bar, which she never does, although I left without going to the back where she was, so if there was some reason to stay that had to do with me I guess I'll just never know the answer there. Then Saturday I saw her and she asked "where are you watching the [Heat/OKC] game?", which I was busy for visiting the grand-parents.

She also goosed me recently. Actually like touched the small of my back and butt right while her bf was in the room, but wasn't looking in our direction. This was after I gave her the hello hug. I sort of pretended not to notice, almost pulled away a bit because he was present. That might not have been something I'd have been cool with in his shoes, but maybe it's just her being her, who knows?

There'd be no shot at a relationship here, but I'm down for a hook up. The one thing is I really can't throw something overt out there (usually how'd I'd test to see these things) because that may cause drama amongst my friends. I am sort of wondering how to steer some subtlety into a conversation and see if she bites on it or not. I have no problem playing it cool for now because I'm still trying to decide whether or not she's throwing me signals. That, and I am dating someone, and there are a ton of others I hang out with a lot who aren't exactly dating anyone, so all in all, if she's not interested it's no big loss, as I never really saw it that way in the beginning.

Just saw her in the gym. She had like three schedule questions for me? What're doing tonight? This week? This weekend?

Also a friend of hers I've never met but she's close with friend requested me randomly.

Man, man, man... you're a greedy, gluttonous dude. But aren't we all? If your relationship with your current is cool... I'd say leave it alone and leave it up to fantasy, because most of the time it's better than the reality. If your current relationship is rocky and you're looking for a way out... it still sounds like trouble... but it's another notch on the belt?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Man, man, man... you're a greedy, gluttonous dude. But aren't we all? If your relationship with your current is cool... I'd say leave it alone and leave it up to fantasy, because most of the time it's better than the reality. If your current relationship is rocky and you're looking for a way out... it still sounds like trouble... but it's another notch on the belt?

Nah, I'm not straight up digging my current relationship. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot to like, but I've already told her I don't see this as exclusive (I'm not naive -- I'm sure if I actually test that, could end what I have), although she has a fairly packed schedule so I get a fair bit of time apart from her. Sometimes we'll see each other like two or three times a week, but that's not common.

I guess you could say we're on an involuntary break right now, since we still hang out, but I haven't had sex with her in two weeks. We're still intimate though, so the door is still open there.

I mean whatever I do, it stays on the QT. This girl clearly would be a casual hook up, and not much else. She's not the only one I've got potentially a shot with, and many of the others don't really have boyfriends and are not really dating anyone.

So I'm unconcerned. I'll just keep cool and see where it goes. If she's asking me about my schedule everytime I see or talk to her, then it doesn't seem like I'll have to do much outside of having some available time. Maybe she just wants another guy to hang out and watch basketball with, who knows? Some people flirt even when they are not flirting, so never can really be sure one way or another.

Yeah, I'm greedy thought:.

 

[terry78]

Japanese American or just straight up Japanese from Japan? I have a lot of experience with the latter... the former remains a mystery to me still. I do not mess with many American women.

Moved from Osaka in 2002, so the english is up to par, but the accent is just real prominent.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I have a question - if a girl never 'finishes' during sex, is that a turn off?

How would you deal with it?

 

[Erzengel]

Well there's a lot of women who can't climax through typical intercourse. If additional foreplay, or other type of stimulation will do it, I don't think it should be a turn off.

 

[knowsbleed]

Nah, I'm not straight up digging my current relationship. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot to like, but I've already told her I don't see this as exclusive (I'm not naive -- I'm sure if I actually test that, could end what I have), although she has a fairly packed schedule so I get a fair bit of time apart from her. Sometimes we'll see each other like two or three times a week, but that's not common.

I guess you could say we're on an involuntary break right now, since we still hang out, but I haven't had sex with her in two weeks. We're still intimate though, so the door is still open there.

I mean whatever I do, it stays on the QT. This girl clearly would be a casual hook up, and not much else. She's not the only one I've got potentially a shot with, and many of the others don't really have boyfriends and are not really dating anyone.

So I'm unconcerned. I'll just keep cool and see where it goes. If she's asking me about my schedule everytime I see or talk to her, then it doesn't seem like I'll have to do much outside of having some available time. Maybe she just wants another guy to hang out and watch basketball with, who knows? Some people flirt even when they are not flirting, so never can really be sure one way or another.

Yeah, I'm greedy thought:.

Well... I can absolutely understand absolutely positively absolutely... why you would want to hook up with her. If you think she's throwing out hints though, you might want to reciprocate. If you don't, she might lose interest as a person will only throw out so many hints that they are looking for a hookup before they deem the situation to be a dead end. Who knows, she might have had one of those random dreams about you where you were intimate and now she's curious. The curiosity won't last and eventually will wear off, so you might want to press some buttons (literally and figuratively) while you can.

Moved from Osaka in 2002, so the english is up to par, but the accent is just real prominent.

Hmm, as all with all attractive women (hell, even decent looking women) she is extremely used to more than enough attention than she really wants. Might want to play the coy I'm-down-with-being-a-friend-but-I'm-going-to-flirt-with-you-all-the-damn-time role. See if it leads anywhere interesting. I'm sure you are more than proficient enough to read whatever signs she tosses at you.

 

[knowsbleed]

I have a question - if a girl never 'finishes' during sex, is that a turn off?

How would you deal with it?

No lie, my current has been with more than her fair share of partners (male and female) and has never been able to climax through just penetration. Go ahead fellas, and think your "she just hasn't been ****ed the right way" thoughts... get them out of the way before I proceed... I'll wait...

...

...

.....



..


Now that that's out of the way, she loves sex with me and has stated on more than one occasion that what we do is more than enough to keep her satisfied. I will do anything and everything to help her get hers... and then I get mine... not always in that order. But it's not something that is high on our relationship priorities. That could lead me into a whole other debate about sex as a priority in a relationship... for me it's not that high... but I'll leave that for another time.

What I'm ultimately saying is that it does not turn me off... with her. Now, as each individual is different, it might be a different case with a different person. Depending on how much importance THEY place their orgasmic needs. If it troubles her and she is looking for that orgasm through penetration and I can't provide it for her... then I can see how it would be a turn off because inadequacy is a *****.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Well... I can absolutely understand absolutely positively absolutely... why you would want to hook up with her. If you think she's throwing out hints though, you might want to reciprocate. If you don't, she might lose interest as a person will only throw out so many hints that they are looking for a hookup before they deem the situation to be a dead end. Who knows, she might have had one of those random dreams about you where you were intimate and now she's curious. The curiosity won't last and eventually will wear off, so you might want to press some buttons (literally and figuratively) while you can.

Yeah, seriously. I mean I've allowed myself thus far to be more flirty with her. We'll see. I may just shoot her a "where you watching the game?" kind of text. Since she's asked me all about my schedule, when I get back from my business trip today I think that's the way to go...provided it's not like 10pm when I get home. A text like that should tell me what I need to know.

 

[Anubis]

She can only get off if you hit her in the kooch with a hammer while you sing "I've been working on the railroad" wearing an engineers hat and a bustier.

 

[The Guard]

Optimus, girls goosing you leads to grabass, which leads to texting, and that leads to the girl saying "I want to **** you until your face falls off". I think you're on the right track. I would think she was sending signals. How drunk was she?

Re: The climaxing, I have a female friend who has literally never been able to, and it's really tempting to think that her partners are just doing it wrong, and more than a few times I've almost said "Here, let me show you what it's like", but apparently she really can't. I can't imagine being a woman who never has been able to. Well, I didn't use to be able to imagine it. I myself can't right now, but that's because I'm on a particular medication for about a year. I can't during, unless the girl can go for like three hours, but I can do it myself in about 30 seconds. It's kind of weird. Slowly getting off the meds, though, so hopefully that will help. Unless it's a weird mental thing. Hope not.

I think how important it is to you depends on...how important it is to you.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Well there's a lot of women who can't climax through typical intercourse. If additional foreplay, or other type of stimulation will do it, I don't think it should be a turn off.

Yeah... But what if they can't through additional methods either?

And just to stop beating about the bush, I'm referring to myself.

No lie, my current has been with more than her fair share of partners (male and female) and has never been able to climax through just penetration. Go ahead fellas, and think your "she just hasn't been ****ed the right way" thoughts... get them out of the way before I proceed... I'll wait...

Now that that's out of the way, she loves sex with me and has stated on more than one occasion that what we do is more than enough to keep her satisfied. I will do anything and everything to help her get hers... and then I get mine... not always in that order. But it's not something that is high on our relationship priorities. That could lead me into a whole other debate about sex as a priority in a relationship... for me it's not that high... but I'll leave that for another time.

What I'm ultimately saying is that it does not turn me off... with her. Now, as each individual is different, it might be a different case with a different person. Depending on how much importance THEY place their orgasmic needs. If it troubles her and she is looking for that orgasm through penetration and I can't provide it for her... then I can see how it would be a turn off because inadequacy is a *****.

Well I think that that's where communication is the key to your success. You know that it's not a problem, because you've talked about it and know she still enjoys herself.

It's just I've never really had a committed sexual relationship before. So that kind of conversation has never happened.

And what I find 99%, is that I fake it.
I fake it because I wanna make the guy feel like he succeeded. And also because I don't want him to keep going longer than neccesary, because I've had guys go way too long before and it just stops being enjoyable... Easier to pretend I've finished and then they stop worrying about 'holding on' for me.

But in a way, all of that means I'm not relaxing and enjoying myself.

The climaxing, I have a female friend who has literally never been able to, and it's really tempting to think that her partners are just doing it wrong, and more than a few times I've almost said "Here, let me show you what it's like", but apparently she really can't. I can't imagine being a woman who never has been able to. Well, I didn't use to be able to imagine it. I myself can't right now, but that's because I'm on a particular medication for about a year. I can't during, unless the girl can go for like three hours, but I can do it myself in about 30 seconds. It's kind of weird. Slowly getting off the meds, though, so hopefully that will help. Unless it's a weird mental thing. Hope not.

I think how important it is to you depends on...how important it is to you.

Mine is totally a weird mental thing.

I'm not on meds, but I have the same issue as you. I have no issue going solo, but not with another person. I've even tried doing it myself with partner there as an experiment... Didn't work.

I dunno, it's not that much of a problem now, but I just hope it doesn't scare guys off in the future if their with a girl that doesn't enjoy sex as much as them.

I mean, I'm pretty good at pretending and lying about it... But it'd be nice to just be honest.

 

[Erzengel]

If you're in a stable, mature relationship, it shouldn't be a problem.

It's not like you don't still get urges or not enjoy sex, you just never climax. And that's not an unusual problem with women.

I think most guys would be understanding.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Optimus, girls goosing you leads to grabass, which leads to texting, and that leads to the girl saying "I want to **** you until your face falls off". I think you're on the right track. I would think she was sending signals. How drunk was she?

When she goosed me? Sober I think. I was standing near her at the time, although I was focused on somewhere else. Just felt the hand run down the small of my back to about the top of my butt. Felt like an attempt to cop a feel. I wasn't even talking to her at the time I don't think.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I guess one thing to remember here is this. These are relatively new people to you. So when you text them, even if you don't get to a point in a conversation where you can ask you out, if they stop texting you back. STOP. Also if they give you a definitive conservation ender, just stop and give them the last word. Nothing wrong with that. That way you're making sure to only give the attention you're getting the first time you text them. Or call them. Don't leave a message if you call them, or if you do just be like "Yo, what's up, this is Nave, call me back". Because that's all you want, is a chance to talk to them. If they pick up, obviously you're good to go.

Let them talk more. I think I remember your age range correctly, so yeah, most of them to need to fill in much dead air for them. "Uh-huh", "wow that's cool", "yup" and "it sounds like everyone you work with is so mean" are perfectly acceptible answers. Okay, maybe I'm just being silly at this point.

Yeah though, don't text them ad nausum. A good simple ask out is, just text: "Hey, this is Nave, what're you up to?". See this is an non intrusive question because they kind of already know what you're getting at, but it gives you information up front as to whether it's an appropriate time to ask them out or to come hang. You might also get some insight into what they like to do, so it's not a bad way to start a conversation. Lots of places to go from there.

I dislike "how're you doing" because unless the answer is really bad, in which case you didn't want to know anyways, the answer is gonna be the stock "good". I know this because it's the same stupid stock answer I give. How're you? Good. As opposed to: "oh, I'm chronically worried about money, and trying desperately to make as much as I can, so I can maybe retire one day. My cat's been sh***ing OUTSIDE the litter box! And they cancelled Avengers: EMH!!!!". Nope, that's a normal day, it becomes "good".

Also, if you can think of a joke, or a good opener: mull on it a day. Sometimes I'll write and rewrite the first text I want to send someone, and honestly I don't feel there is shame in that. Just don't keep a record of that kind of thing. I think it's perfectly fine to rehearse your own stuff. I always think about my audience, the person I'm about to talk to, what we've talked about, and then I'll come up with something kind of smooth off of that. It's got to be like the "un-line" though. I always think like that.

To me though, getting them to approach you is great.

This. makes. sense. And yeah I've really just stopped approaching any of them head on. This girl from college seems to be popping up to say hi from time to time -- hallways, library, department, etc. I think that's a good sign. The other from the coffee shop, I got her number and she added me on FB after finding me out herself. Which is, again, better than me going creepy on her -- we haven't spoken over the phone yet but she keeps telling me about an article she can't write and lols alot as to why she's telling me her writing problems. I think I'm slipping up there -- thus far she's sent texts first. The girl from work took my number, she's new there so I'm going to not read too much into what's going in her mind.

Bottom line: yeah. Not feeling like a total loser who keeps getting dumped for "the other guy" or is desperate to get a date my hunch is going towards the girl from college because I don't really know anything about the other two aside from their names and love of writing in general. This would mark the umpteenth time I've paid attention to women who're passionate about literature... and the last one had a little way to go from being a total lunatic.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

As long as you don't seem desperate, honestly the rest takes care of itself.

One thing I'll say for the girls who have been hitting on me, they've all heard variations of the same story: I have been dating someone, I've alluded to sex being involved, they no I'm not 100% about this and they've also heard me say "I don't get attached really quickly [when sex is involved]" (which I am a pretty picky in that sense). I kind of wonder if there is a link there.