Lord of the Advice: Return of the King of Relationships

[The Guard]

Yeah, I think you're right. I think having a space that can be my 'world' is really the most important thing for me... it kind of doesn't matter that much where it is, at least for now. I just need to know that when I don't feel too happy, I have a place I can go where it doesn't matter.

Would you have your own room there?

 

[knowsbleed]

I'm not opposed to having friends of the opposite sex.

I guess my point was in regards to a soul mate being some sort of unbreakable connection you have with someone who's a spiritual partner or personal cheerleader who's not your significant other?

I just can't wrap my hands around that. If you are closer to some other person who's not your SO especially after being with same for a significant amount of time, then you got issues in that relationship. Your SO should be your GOTO person in terms of everything.

I don't know, I have a few friends I can say I truly trust, I like them for different reasons because they are different people. Same thing with whoever is unfortunate enough to be my SO, I'm sure I would be able to talk to them about MANY things... but not everything. That's when I would go to another friend for understanding/advice because they are stronger in that topic area than my SO. I'm not saying I would be closer to that friend than my SO, but I don't think I would be able to tell my SO everything.

With all that rambling, I don't think I believe in the term soulmate. Perhaps because I have never met someone I feel that kind of bond to... but then again, I don't believe in true love. I believe that people change and that when people do change... others around them might feel offput because they didn't change along with their SO/friends... and lack of adaptability is what drives people apart.

I find there are always some girls with whom I think I'm 'just friends' with that hook up with me, usually sort of out of the blue. A lot of girls I know seek out friends they consider attractive, and vice/versa, so the line can be really blurry in my opinion. Friends and sex can make strange bed fellows, but friends can end up together, it just can't happen when one is trying to constantly force a lot of unnecessary time maybe to try to connive his/her way into a sloppy hook up. I find it funny that "nice guys" often think they're establishing trust, when they aren't. They either dump messy feelings that are inappropriate and over the top, and or they render themselves eunuchs and pretend like the elephant in the room (sex) doesn't exist.

I've never had a friend/sex relationship that either didn't turn into a romantic relationship or ended badly. The chemistry always leads to something volatile.

 

[Erzengel]

But he's my soul mate. It's kind of inexplicable.

Wonder if he would still be your soul mate, after you've been with a someone else for a significant amount of time.

And no, I won't accept the cop out, that they'd both be.

I'd been best friends with someone since we were 4 years old. Since the 80s. However, I know if something really great would happen to him, I'd wouldn't be the first one he'd reach out to. It'd be his wife.

Same thing with me. I'd tell Erzette first.

 

[Erzengel]

I don't know, I have a few friends I can say I truly trust, I like them for different reasons because they are different people. Same thing with whoever is unfortunate enough to be my SO, I'm sure I would be able to talk to them about MANY things... but not everything. That's when I would go to another friend for understanding/advice because they are stronger in that topic area than my SO. I'm not saying I would be closer to that friend than my SO, but I don't think I would be able to tell my SO everything.

With all that rambling, I don't think I believe in the term soulmate. Perhaps because I have never met someone I feel that kind of bond to... but then again, I don't believe in true love. I believe that people change and that when people do change... others around them might feel offput because they didn't change along with their SO/friends... and lack of adaptability is what drives people apart.

I personally don't like the use of "soul mate" or "true love" either. I think they are glamorized words that people like to use.

I'm not naive enough to think that people don't change either. Your so called "soul mate", whether it be a SO or not, can change, you can drift apart, or things just happen.

 

[knowsbleed]

Thanks

Yeah, I think you're right. I think having a space that can be my 'world' is really the most important thing for me... it kind of doesn't matter that much where it is, at least for now. I just need to know that when I don't feel too happy, I have a place I can go where it doesn't matter.

The neighbourhood in question isn't the worst area of the city, so it might not be so bad. Especially since bedsits/studio apartments there seem much cheaper and more available. I mean, I don't need much. I only need a small space, with a bathroom and a way for me to get the internet really



I have two best friends as well, who also feel like family. But (and i'd of course never tell the other one this), only one of them feels like a soul mate.

My female best friend i've known since we were 10. We have been in the same classes together most of our lives, lived in the same village. At first we kind of hated each other and we were so competative and fiery, but we spent all our time together. Our friendship matured a lot obviously, and she very much feels like my sister. It's been kind of weird since she converted to Islam and got married a few years back, but she's still the same girl that falls about in fits of giggles with me everytime we see each other again But we've always been friends connected by circumstances, and shared interests.

My male best friend on the other hand. Well I completely and utterly love him in an inexplicable way. He's gay, he's a year younger than me, and I have absolutely no sexual attraction/feelings for him at all. I'd say the closest thing I can imagine the way I feel about him is, would be if he were my twin brother.

We met through friends when I was in high school. We were both confused adolescents and became kind of dependant on each other. Did everything together. Talked about the world, the future, laughed so hard we cryed, cried so hard we laughed. Got wasted at a lot of parties together. Etc etc.

He took a very different route in life than me though. I finished my exams, I went to university, I got a degree and a decent job. He failed his exams, tried to stick it out at a few horrible min wage jobs, became a drug addict on pretty much everything you can imagine, was diagnosed with all sorts of mental disabilities, and is now living off the government.

And through all of that, we're still best friends. With him, it's the closest i've ever felt to another human being, including my family. I think that's something that even people that know us struggle to comprehend.

But he's my soul mate. It's kind of inexplicable.

That's another reason why I am bad at friendship, physical separation combined with time apart = out of sight out of mind. It's very bad on my part, but even my closest friends/family become second thoughts in my mind as personal wants and needs take over. It creates walls.

I admire people who keep their friends in their thoughts as most of the time, it takes something external to remind me about them.

Well there is a difference between thinking about what it'd be like if you had sex, and thinking about what it would be like if she was your girlfriend.

Almost always the former... I hardly ever think about the latter.

I mean, I think ALL guys consider option A on some level with all their attractive female friends In fact, I will admit i've probably thought about all my male friends in that way.

This is true with me... but I've had friendships where that thought passed and the relationship became purely friendship. I always thought that would be impossible, but people change and I think that it was for the better in my case.

 

[knowsbleed]

I personally don't like the use of "soul mate" or "true love" either. I think they are glamorized words that people like to use.

I'm not naive enough to think that people don't change either. Your so called "soul mate", whether it be a SO or not, can change, you can drift apart, or things just happen.

My current SO has the mentality of I love you now... I can't promise to love you forever because nobody should ever promise tomorrow. That may seem depressing for some, but I understand the thought process and realize that it's the most honest, realistic thing anybody has ever said to me... and I truly appreciate that.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Would you have your own room there?

Yes, but these particular girls are all friends, they all like to eat together... and the problem with nice sociable people is that you feel guilty if you stay in you're room too long. They'll start talking about you like 'Oh, she stays in her room a lot, doesn't she', and I pick up on that sort of thing really easily.

I'd just rather not have to deal with any of it.

Wonder if he would still be your soul mate, after you've been with a someone else for a significant amount of time.

And no, I won't accept the cop out, that they'd both be.

I'd been best friends with someone since we were 4 years old. Since the 80s. However, I know if something really great would happen to him, I'd wouldn't be the first one he'd reach out to. It'd be his wife.

Same thing with me. I'd tell Erzette first.

1. Why can't you have two soul mates?

2. What does 'who i'd tell first' have to do with who your soul mate is?

I personally don't like the use of "soul mate" or "true love" either. I think they are glamorized words that people like to use.

I'm not naive enough to think that people don't change either. Your so called "soul mate", whether it be a SO or not, can change, you can drift apart, or things just happen.

I think you and I have very different ideas of what a soul mate is.

I mean, this guy who is my soul mate... at one point, he moved away to another town and I was at Uni. We didn't speak for months on end. We barely saw each other.

But it doesn't matter how much time we spend apart. The minute we are back together, it's just easy. It's natural. No matter how much one or the other changes, for better or worse, we still 'get each other'. We still love each other. And I truly believe that will never change.

My SO, just like my other best friend, may be someone I absolutely adore. They may be someone I care for, someone who's company I enjoy, who I find interesting and sexy, and who can be a partner in many aspects of my life.

They could become a best friend, definitely... in fact, I can't imagine a successful relationship in which my SO wasn't one of my best friends. But they don't neccesarily have to be my soul mate.

A soul mate is something else entirely.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I've never had a friend/sex relationship that either didn't turn into a romantic relationship or ended badly. The chemistry always leads to something volatile.

Kind of an obvious statement though. Just like if you started dating someone new today, that's either going to turn into a romantic relationship and or end (maybe badly). It's hard to watch a former lover end up with someone else, and then sometimes it's not, although I'd say that's the less frequent outcome. For some people I can do the "get it out of my system" lay, for others I probably couldn't. The only thing about sex is it's more of a gamble with people. I find guys who kind of have that non-chalant "oh it's just sex" attitude definitely fair a little better.

I had a friend who definitely talked that game, but couldn't back it up. I actually think he never really hooked up with say 90% of the people he said he did, but that's the thing about playas, they often know you can't/won't verify their bullsh**. Whether he slept with these chicks in our group or not he would just get all ******** everytime they started showing inclination to others and embarass himself. He also, reportedly, was Mr. Clingy. He embarassed himself essentially out of our group, very few even now have the interest to check up on him, guys and girls.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

That's another reason why I am bad at friendship, physical separation combined with time apart = out of sight out of mind. It's very bad on my part, but even my closest friends/family become second thoughts in my mind as personal wants and needs take over. It creates walls.

I admire people who keep their friends in their thoughts as most of the time, it takes something external to remind me about them.

Oh believe me, it's not the case with the majority of people in my life.

I was actually feeling really guilty today, because I find it is SUCH an effort to keep up contact with family and certain friends. Some of them I FORCE myself to do, but it is a chore that I put off when I can.

Most of my friends I don't make a lot of effort for either TBH.

The only people in my life that speaking too regularly/making effort for, even when they are not in close proximity, is never a chore or far from my thoughts, are my Mum, and my two best friends. I could live without everyone else.

Almost always the former... I hardly ever think about the latter.

This is true with me... but I've had friendships where that thought passed and the relationship became purely friendship. I always thought that would be impossible, but people change and I think that it was for the better in my case.

Oh definitely, and I think the longer you're friends with someone of the opposite sex, the more they become like a sibling in your mind.

My current SO has the mentality of I love you now... I can't promise to love you forever because nobody should ever promise tomorrow. That may seem depressing for some, but I understand the thought process and realize that it's the most honest, realistic thing anybody has ever said to me... and I truly appreciate that.

See a few years ago that would probably have upset me. But having had a guy tell me he loved me forever when that was a complete guy, I think I would much prefer to be in a relationship so honest that the person didn't feel they had to lie in that way.

You can't ever know the future, you can only enjoy life and love as it comes.

 

[knowsbleed]

Kind of an obvious statement though. Just like if you started dating someone new today, that's either going to turn into a romantic relationship and or end (maybe badly). It's hard to watch a former lover end up with someone else, and then sometimes it's not, although I'd say that's the less frequent outcome. For some people I can do the "get it out of my system" lay, for others I probably couldn't. The only thing about sex is it's more of a gamble with people. I find guys who kind of have that non-chalant "oh it's just sex" attitude definitely fair a little better.

I guess what I was getting at is that I've never witnessed nor have been part of an ideal friends-with-benefits relationship. It always evolves into something better or worse. I don't know that it can truly exist. Stability does not exist... in this dojo.

I had a friend who definitely talked that game, but couldn't back it up. I actually think he never really hooked up with say 90% of the people he said he did, but that's the thing about playas, they often know you can't/won't verify their bullsh**. Whether he slept with these chicks in our group or not he would just get all ******** everytime they started showing inclination to others and embarass himself. He also, reportedly, was Mr. Clingy. He embarassed himself essentially out of our group, very few even now have the interest to check up on him, guys and girls.

Haha, you've wandered into an entirely different territory. I'm well beyond those games and never surround myself with people who still play them.

 

[Erzengel]

I think you and I have very different ideas of what a soul mate is.

I mean, this guy who is my soul mate... at one point, he moved away to another town and I was at Uni. We didn't speak for months on end. We barely saw each other.

But it doesn't matter how much time we spend apart. The minute we are back together, it's just easy. It's natural. No matter how much one or the other changes, for better or worse, we still 'get each other'. We still love each other. And I truly believe that will never change.

My SO, just like my other best friend, may be someone I absolutely adore. They may be someone I care for, someone who's company I enjoy, who I find interesting and sexy, and who can be a partner in many aspects of my life.

They could become a best friend, definitely... in fact, I can't imagine a successful relationship in which my SO wasn't one of my best friends. But they don't neccesarily have to be my soul mate.

A soul mate is something else entirely.

My best friends and I can meet up after not talking for weeks or months and it's like no time has past.

We pretty much get each other and their is a lot of platonic love there.

I just don't call them my soul mates.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I've never had a friend/sex relationship that either didn't turn into a romantic relationship or ended badly. The chemistry always leads to something volatile.

I've never had one turn out so badly we stopped being friends.

I mean, I threw a drink in my first FB's face because he was pretending he wasn't sleeping with this other girl... which I just found really infuriating. We were not in a committed relationship, so we was he acting like he was cheating on me? Why was he acting like my feelings would be hurt because he was sleeping with someone else?

It just really wound me up

I've had others too. They usually just end when they get a girlfriend. Never been any awkwardness or hard feelings.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Haha, you've wandered into an entirely different territory. I'm well beyond those games and never surround myself with people who still play them.

To me when the "playas" and "nice guys" start arguing I feel like I'm watching the same two guys argue with each other, only one is dressed like a peacock, and the other looks like a Jehovah's Witness.

First of all I'm pretty sure the numbers are outrageously inflated. Always.

I use my roommates as my bullsh** barometer.

I've lived with a lot of guys over the years, and when I was more of a 'nice guy' I definitely sought the advice of playas. As I got older and lived with more and more people, I noticed they really didn't take that many girls home. A few did, but even they never actually lived up to their number.

For example, I knew a guy who was 36. He said he slept with about 76 women. I knew him for two years, and he hooked up with maybe four, maybe five, and of course I was in the bedroom for none of those. So, that's about 2 a year, if that. I'm actually counting a 'just oral' hook up. So if he started at 16, that meant at that rate he would've bagged 40. Not 76, and probably not 40 because he also reported having serious relationships.

People say rates can change, but I watch Football, and when Matt Moore has a Tom Brady year I'll start believing that such things happen routinely. Most I believe if you want to know the truth, just monitor behavior and you'll separate the facts from the BS. You want to know how Brady or Moore will do stats wise? Look at last year. You want to know how much sex your friend is really getting? I usually find it's a conservative number.

That guy I mentioned, he was the best I've lived with. The most common number a year was one, or none.

I think the brain naturally condenses time in retrospect, and erases a lot of bad memories/emotions. We also have a tendency to do a lot of mythologizing, and I have a hard time believing most people have wildly different sex lives. I think what people have are minor differences that get overstated, and all the mundane-ness and tedium gets lost when the story is imagined and told.

That's definitely a can of worms though.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

My best friends and I can meet up after not talking for weeks or months and it's like no time has past.

We pretty much get each other and their is a lot of platonic love there.

I just don't call them my soul mates.

My other best friend was living in Egypt with 6 months with no phone and only occasional access to the internet. Never felt like any different when I saw her again either.

My example wasn't to show that that kind of relationship is only a soul mate thing.

Just that it's not 'who you go to first' that defines who your soul mate, or your best friend is. Because it's not always about who is there in your life right at that moment.

I find it really difficult to explain why I feel differently about one best friend and the other, and how one is my soul mate and the other isn't.

But then it kind of depends on how you feel about a 'soul' in general, doesn't it?

You can have a friendship/relationship that has all of the components of the closest human connections.

But a soul mate is just something deeper, and that entirely depends on whether you believe there IS anything deeper.

 

[Erzengel]

Like I previously said, I don't like using the word soul mate as I feel it's just a word that people use to unnecessarily prop up an idealistic view.

My example wasn't to show that that kind of relationship is only a soul mate thing.

Just that it's not 'who you go to first' that defines who your soul mate, or your best friend is. Because it's not always about who is there in your life right at that moment.

The point of who to go to first, was a way to kinda signify not necessarily what defines a soul mate, but really in terms of who's kinda most important in your life.

Because it's not even a conscious thought to me. My first inclination is to tell my SO of important news.

I mean, I know you had one ex bf and had your ups and downs, but I'm sure you had a point in the relationship where you'd probably go to them first if you were upset.

Maybe it's just different for me and you because we are at very different points in our lives. I've had a few friends that fell to the wayside, and now that I'm living with someone, it's kinda easy to say who'd I go to first.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Like I previously said, I don't like using the word soul mate as I feel it's just a word that people use to unnecessarily prop up an idealistic view.

Well it sounds like it's simply that you don't believe in soul mates. You believe in best friends.

I'm not sure what you mean by propping up an idealistic view tho

The point of who to go to first, was a way to kinda signify not necessarily what defines a soul mate, but really in terms of who's kinda most important in your life.

Because it's not even a conscious thought to me. My first inclination is to tell my SO of important news.

I mean, I know you had one ex bf and had your ups and downs, but I'm sure you had a point in the relationship where you'd probably go to them first if you were upset.

Maybe it's just different for me and you because we are at very different points in our lives. I've had a few friends that fell to the wayside, and now that I'm living with someone, it's kinda easy to say who'd I go to first.

I'm sure it is different. I mean, we're very different people anyway, though we do agree on a lot of approaches to advice in this thread.

I guess maybe i'm just not explaining myself well enough.

I mean, if I was living with someone I was in a relationship with, they of course be the first person i'd tell. I'd be in love with them, and hopefully they'd also be a best friend.

But it wouldn't change how I feel about my soul mate. He's not going to stop being my soul mate because I fell in love with a guy.

I will continue to think and feel the exact same way about him. I will continue to love him and understand him and feel close to him in the exact same way. Even if we both have SO's and families and live on opposite ends of the world and only communicate by email... I will still think of him as my soul mate, because that is just simply what he is to me.

 

[Erzengel]

But it wouldn't change how I feel about my soul mate. He's not going to stop being my soul mate because I meet another person. It's not interchangeable.

See, this is the part that I can't agree with.

I always felt that if you can end up in a relationship with someone who really understands you, better than anyone, that was always a keeper and I always thought that was a SO.

It almost sounds like your relationship with your "soul mate" is so deep that no future boyfriend/fiance/husband can seem to ever reach that type of connection?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

See, this is the part that I can't agree with.

I always felt that if you can end up in a relationship with someone who really understands you, better than anyone, that was always a keeper and I always thought that was a SO.

It almost sounds like your relationship with your "soul mate" is so deep that no future boyfriend/fiance/husband can seem to ever reach that type of connection?

He's gay... we CAN'T be each others SO's. We've both said that we'd probably have been together otherwise.

I mean, when we first started hanging out a lot, he got REALLY freaked out. Because he has known he is gay from a really young age (btw, he's not an overtly camp person or anything), but he felt like he was falling in love with me and it confused the heck out of him. And I completely and totally love him too, in that 'I don't NEED anything from you, I just love you because I do' kind of way.

So yes, i'd imagine a lot of the time when you meet someone that feels like a soul mate, if they are the opposite sex, you would end up together. Because it's an incredible connection if you ever find it (and I don't think everyone will neccesarily find their soul mate in their life).

And I DO worry that I will never find anyone I connect to in the same way. We BOTH feel like we might always be alone, and yet we both feel less lonely just having the other person as a friend.

But that isn't something that bothers me because I don't think I have to feel THAT way about someone in order to have a brilliant relationship with them.

I have a brilliant relationship with my mum, and with my other best friend, and i don't feel that way about them. So why would an SO be a problem?

 

[knowsbleed]

I mean, when we first started hanging out a lot, he got REALLY freaked out. Because he has known he is gay from a really young age (btw, he's not an overtly camp person or anything), but he felt like he was falling in love with me and it confused the heck out of him. And I completely and totally love him too, in that 'I don't NEED anything from you, I just love you because I do' kind of way.

In Japan, there are many sexless marriages. This sounds similar to me, except for the marriage and living together part.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

In Japan, there are many sexless marriages. This sounds similar to me, except for the marriage and living together part.

Kind of not... the things i've been through with him, sometimes I feel grateful that we COULDN'T take it to the next level and I couldn't be completely in love with him, or they would have been even harder to deal with than they already were.

Another good question for this thread - who do you say 'Love you' at the end of a conversation on the phone to?

I say it to my mum, and my two best friends. I don't say it to anyone else. Actually, I think i've thrown one in there for my Dad a couple of times, but that's mainly to show i'm trying.

 

[knowsbleed]

I end all of my phone conversations with "I love you". It makes my work day that much more interesting.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I end all of my phone conversations with "I love you". It makes my work day that much more interesting.

I am so tempted to do this to every customer that calls up this week... I finish on Friday, so they can't fire me mwahahahahaha!

 

[Erzengel]

I say it to all my family who lives in Florida and obviously to Erzette. My friends, I'll use it in discussion, you know I love you BUT, however I don't use it in exiting conversations.

 

[knowsbleed]

There was this woman i had known all my life, that i never really paid much romantic attention to. She had always been with someone close to me over the years and also had been there for me in times of need. She'd sometimes let me crash at her place and make me breakfast and stuff. I'd help her out by cleaning up abit and maybe mowing her grass when her fella was out. It was good times.

Then one day I had this really sexy dream about her and i just couldn't get her out of my mind, I never really what a sexy beast of a lady she was. I didn't even care about her dude anymore. I was seeing someone at the time and i dumped them and started this year long fatuation over this woman. Eventually i told her and she wasn't too happy about it. I tried to kiss her and say something but she eventually kicked me out and Told me never to return or call her again.

That was the last time i saw my mom.

I save gems.

 

[SaF]

I am so tempted to do this to every customer that calls up this week... I finish on friday, so they can't fire me mwahahahahaha!

do it =d