Lord of the Advice: Return of the King of Relationships

[Nave 'Torment']

hopeful? this is a response to your early question about which house to select. as someone who really gets the idea the hells is other people I'll say you in for no. 2 -- it may be a crass location at a new town but atleast you'll be on your own an have that semblance of sanity you've been wanting. you're a journalist; terrible locations are your working environment, but being stuck with people who'll drive you crazy is probably the last thing you need. as a writer noting is as important as solitude.

 

[knowsbleed]

Schloss... too much effort and trouble for something that you're not feeling... fuhgitaboutit and move on. The *****ey feeling that you're feeling is because he's gullible and inexperienced... he'll get over it. If you put any more effort into it... he might be happy (but very non-expressive about it) but you'll be miserable. Always put your happiness above others... otherwise it will bite both of you in the ass later... and not in a good way.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I got a new haircut today I think is pretty bonerific.

 

[Anita18]

Was there a particular message that you received that you thought was really original or funny? I really appreciate you sharing this information with me, and would greatly appreciate anything you can provide. My ex-gf really messed with my head and my self-confidence is at zero right now.

I actually can't remember. I got off Plenty of Fish after I met my fiance three years ago (yes, on the site ) and back then they deleted messages older than 2 weeks anyway. So we have no record of who messaged the other first or anything like that.

I do remember one guy I really liked, since he was very witty and funny. Which was great online because it was entertaining, but then I met him and he's just that witty and funny off the cuff ALL THE TIME. And I simply didn't possess the mental effort to keep up with him just for a simple conversation.

Just write as if you're interested in getting to know her better. It should be genuine and (at least somewhat) eager. Which ya know, involves reading her profile. That's really probably the most important thing. If she's looking for homies, she'd be looking for people who write like homies. If you aren't one, why pretend and waste your time?

Schloss... too much effort and trouble for something that you're not feeling... fuhgitaboutit and move on. The *****ey feeling that you're feeling is because he's gullible and inexperienced... he'll get over it. If you put any more effort into it... he might be happy (but very non-expressive about it) but you'll be miserable. Always put your happiness above others... otherwise it will bite both of you in the ass later... and not in a good way.

Yeah it's no good if he's so low on himself and has no opinion about anything. I mean, it's great if you want to boss your partner around, but it's really not so great if you want someone with a spine.

You're not being a *****e, he's just being spineless.

I got a new haircut today I think is pretty bonerific.

My fiance got his new suit from the tailor today. I think that is pretty bonerific.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Ok, I just need to vent this: ...

... Thoughts? Am I half as a big of a *****ebag as I feel like?

You're totally not a *****e. I've been in that situation once before and it's a horrible feeling having to dump someone when they are that desperate to cling on to you for whatever reason.

But I swear, people like that aren't falling for 'you' at all, they just desperately want to have 'someone'. So in a way, they are using you for what THEY want/need, and you shouldn't feel guilty for putting a stop to that because you don't want or need someone latching on to you at all.

I wouldn't even suggest being friends with the guy. In my experience, they say 'can we still hang out as friends', but any time you try to, they will try it on and you'll just have this repetition of rejection that is no fun for either of you.

I'm the last person that should offer advice, but clearly you have feelings for him still, Hopeful. At least in terms of that, ahem, bedroom feelings stuff. But he cheated on you, so don't give in. Flat out say you hurt my feelings. Or don't, I dunno. Most of my advice is from watching tv shows and movies, so I dunno.

It's really weird. I mean, he's not even all that attractive. He's big around the middle, and he's getting a bald spot on top of his head

But no, I have never gotten over him. I really don't know how I can... I mean, it's been about 4 or 5 years now.

Maybe it's true that you only get over one love when you fall in love with someone else. Or maybe it's true you never get over your first love.

Or maybe it just hurt. A lot.

hopeful? this is a response to your early question about which house to select. as someone who really gets the idea the hells is other people I'll say you in for no. 2 -- it may be a crass location at a new town but atleast you'll be on your own an have that semblance of sanity you've been wanting. you're a journalist; terrible locations are your working environment, but being stuck with people who'll drive you crazy is probably the last thing you need. as a writer noting is as important as solitude.

Yeah I agree. And I've been doing a lot of work on my novel at the moment, so I'd love a nice space to just be alone in my little imaginary world and figure out the rest of what happens there.

 

[knowsbleed]

Most of my advice is from watching tv shows and movies, so I dunno.

I'm sure this more than qualifies you for you to have your own TV talk show.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm sure this more than qualifies you for you to have your own TV talk show.

ETM: Welcome back to the ETM's Relationship Chat, I'm ETM. Now Hopeful, you were saying how being in a small town inhibits you from moving on because you keep running into the same people.

Hopeful: Yes, ETM. I think I just really need to move out of....

ETM: That reminds me of an episode Supernatural where Sam and Dean battle a werewolf.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'm the last person that should offer advice, but clearly you have feelings for him still, Hopeful. At least in terms of that, ahem, bedroom feelings stuff. But he cheated on you, so don't give in. Flat out say you hurt my feelings. Or don't, I dunno. Most of my advice is from watching tv shows and movies, so I dunno.

One thing I'll tell you is honestly is I barely watch television, unless it's Football -- that consumes my whole Sunday. I wasn't always like that though. I used to be all about television constantly. While I think the nay-sayers are extreme, I notice most guys I know who have trouble even with the basics of women, can't get laid to save their life, etc. watch and take a lot of their cues on relationships from television. They kind of stubbornly cling to them.

Television, in my opinion, is basically for entertainment purposes only. It's probably only slightly less of a waste of time than drugs, but, to be fair, you can learn a lot more about yourself on drugs.

I think a lot of it's just the medium. A show may distort how relationships work just as an excuse to add drama, like when Peter Parker beats up Flash Thompson for example. In the real world punches out a dude that a girl has been intimate with she'll more than likely just call the cops of whomever did it, even if she was attracted to him. Or the "shoulder to cry on" that becomes a lover. That's just trying to add some hefty drama. It also glosses over all the awkward-ness, and simplifies it so it makes sense to a different part of our brain. The part of our brain that's responsible for enjoying movies, television and stories.

So it's just not the same thing.

Also things like superheroes and sitcoms usually like to show characters defying what our brain understands as reality and laws. I don't really think this is any different from social interaction. The story of the pious man who conquors all odds and suppresses his carnal desires is a lot more appealing than the far more realistic "I tried to suppress it but it lead to a ton of psychological problems and now I molest children". Superman can fly, which is really neat, and a lot more neat than falling, which everyone else does.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

ETM: Welcome back to the ETM's Relationship Chat, I'm ETM. Now Hopeful, you were saying how being in a small town inhibits you from moving on because you keep running into the same people.

Hopeful: Yes, ETM. I think I just really need to move out of....

ETM: That reminds me of an episode Supernatural where Sam and Dean battle a werewolf.

Funny story, those Pick-Up Artist, the real big names who are on television like Tyler Durden, Mehow (I think that's how it's spelled), Mystery, Style and Ross Jefferies -- all featured in The Game -- are all frauds. All of them, and maybe don't know anything and lack experience.

Mehow had a grand total of one sexual experience before he began teaching classes for a very high price tag.

Mystery has had many of his supposed epic hook ups come out and say nothing happened. Also the events of The Game of which he and Style are main characters are mostly fiction, it was published as a fiction novel loosely based on some real experiences.

Tyler Durden and Ross Jefferies were both interviewed, and the interviewer reported back "these guys can't get laid". Ross Jefferies has had several women come out a describe him as "creepy" "old" and "delusional". Ross Jefferies apparently tries to hide subliminal messages in his speech like the phrase "below me" to make women start thinking about blowing him. According to people who know him personally he relies mostly on prostitutes and his attempts at hook ups come off as laughable in real life.

So EMT is actually probably pretty qualified.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

It's probably only slightly less of a waste of time than drugs, but, to be fair, you can learn a lot more about yourself on drugs.

I agree. Though in fairness, most of the things I've learned about myself while I've been on drugs, I'd rather have not known.

 

[knowsbleed]

ETM: Welcome back to the ETM's Relationship Chat, I'm ETM. Now Hopeful, you were saying how being in a small town inhibits you from moving on because you keep running into the same people.

Hopeful: Yes, ETM. I think I just really need to move out of....

ETM: That reminds me of an episode Supernatural where Sam and Dean battle a werewolf.

Posts like this make me glad that I chose you to be my baby mama.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I honestly think if I ever had the inclination to have a gay threesome it would be with you two

 

[knowsbleed]

I honestly think if I ever had the inclination to have a gay threesome it would be with you two

I have no idea how to react to that.

...

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I thought we were all openning up here?

 

[knowsbleed]

Look, all I'm saying is that I'mna go outside and play some football now, while strengthening my pimp hand on some dirty hoez while drinking a 6 pack of malt liquor.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Me thinks the lady doth protest too much

 

[Anita18]

One thing I'll tell you is honestly is I barely watch television, unless it's Football -- that consumes my whole Sunday. I wasn't always like that though. I used to be all about television constantly. While I think the nay-sayers are extreme, I notice most guys I know who have trouble even with the basics of women, can't get laid to save their life, etc. watch and take a lot of their cues on relationships from television. They kind of stubbornly cling to them.

My crazy religious friend from high school claimed she learned everything about relationships from romcoms and "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."

She's 29 now and I think has only had unrequited crushes...

I honestly think if I ever had the inclination to have a gay threesome it would be with you two

-microwaves some popcorn-

 

[knowsbleed]

Speaking of microwave popcorn... In Japan I went to this thing called a "Banana Show". This old Japanese lady lures unsuspecting foreigners into this seedy looking bar where she promises an entertaining dance show involving bananas. With images in our minds of a young Japanese version of Josephine Baker we sit down and prepare for yellow, slippery awesomeness. What we get is a disgusting, horrifying sight of the same old lady who lured us in doing atrocious things with herbaceous fruits. She had skill though... projectile fruit from private places... that's muscle control.

 

[Anita18]

Speaking of microwave popcorn... In Japan I went to this thing called a "Banana Show". This old Japanese lady lures unsuspecting foreigners into this seedy looking bar where she promises an entertaining dance show involving bananas. With images in our minds of a young Japanese version of Josephine Baker we sit down and prepare for yellow, slippery awesomeness. What we get is a disgusting, horrifying sight of the same old lady who lured us in doing atrocious things with herbaceous fruits. She had skill though... projectile fruit from private places... that's muscle control.

I'm pretty sure Japan doesn't have that as part of the career curriculum, so I presume that there was enough consumer demand to bring such a thing to market.

 

[knowsbleed]

Yup, it was right outside of an American military installation so there's your young, drunk and horny consumer demand right there.

 

[TLH]

Dear God I hate my situation right now...

I've been going out with this girl for half a year now, and she's good friends with one of her exes (she went out with him for 2 years and loved him at some point I guess). Anyway, I am NOT comfortable with this and it eats me inside yet and I can't say anything because she's a very strong willed girl and will resent my discomfort with her hanging out with someone she considers to just be her friend.

They probably are just friends, but it still bothers me. I don't particularly trust him...I know what guys are like because I am one. They broke up for various reasons but mostly because of distance (he went away to University at another place).

Now I have A TON in common with this girl (moreso than pretty much any other guy would, EXCEPT this one f**king guy, who is basically the only one who, like me, loves a lot of the obscure things she does). So it takes away any security I have feeling that she knows she can't find what we have with someone else.

Anyway, I'm getting paranoid and uncomfortable. They go to movies occasionally, or hang out and grab ice cream, etc. RIGHT NOW (after she was here watching the Italy/German match with me), she's at the mall with him (I know because of her twitter) and I think they are going to eat somewhere. It makes me feel like at some point here she's going to fall away from me.

I should mention this girl is not particularly emotional and I don't get the emotional validation or affection I want (I don't need a ton -- I'm a guy after all -- but she's hard to read and not your typical girl). Anyway, I am extremely confused, partly hurt (unintentionally on her part I guess) ,and just overall messed up.

I know talking to her about it will probably screw things up worse. I wouldn't appreciate whoever I was in a relationship with not trusting me. It's not necessarily that I don't trust her, but I don't trust him. Who knows what subtle things he could be saying to undermine our relationship or to try and resurrect their previous one? UGH

The most confusing parts are that today she got me a random movie poster for no reason, just because it made her think of me. So obviously a gift like that is a nice gesture, not a sign of something about to fall apart. And I'm seeing her on Saturday before she goes on a family vacation for a month, so there's that. I should mention we're both 24 and will be full time teachers starting this fall (we met in the Education program).

I'd like some outside opinions on this, PLEASE.

 

[terry78]

You wacky Asians.

 

[knowsbleed]

... a WHOLE lot of insecure mess...

I don't understand it when people try to force a relationship to work. I won't get too much into it though, here's what I would do.

Multiple choices...

1. Tell her in a tactful way that you're uncomfortable with the situation and hope she's mature enough to understand your stance
2. Leave it alone and hope that she has real love for you and that he truly has no more romantic influence on her
3. (My favorite) Next time she goes to hang out with him, ask to tag along. Make HIM the third wheel. I'm not telling you to be overtly touchy feely in front of him with her but hand holding and some flirting in front of him could go a long way. You'll witness how he acts and you'll also be able to see if she's willing to go along with it. If she objects... then I'd be suspicious.

Take it for what you will... but don't demean yourself by doing something you'll regret later like begging for her love if it's not truly meant to be.

 

[Anita18]

Dear God I hate my situation right now...

I've been going out with this girl for half a year now, and she's good friends with one of her exes (she went out with him for 2 years and loved him at some point I guess). Anyway, I am NOT comfortable with this and it eats me inside yet and I can't say anything because she's a very strong willed girl and will resent my discomfort with her hanging out with someone she considers to just be her friend.

They probably are just friends, but it still bothers me. I don't particularly trust him...I know what guys are like because I am one. They broke up for various reasons but mostly because of distance (he went away to University at another place).

Now I have A TON in common with this girl (moreso than pretty much any other guy would, EXCEPT this one f**king guy, who is basically the only one who, like me, loves a lot of the obscure things she does). So it takes away any security I have feeling that she knows she can't find what we have with someone else.

Anyway, I'm getting paranoid and uncomfortable. They go to movies occasionally, or hang out and grab ice cream, etc. RIGHT NOW (after she was here watching the Italy/German match with me), she's at the mall with him (I know because of her twitter) and I think they are going to eat somewhere. It makes me feel like at some point here she's going to fall away from me.

I should mention this girl is not particularly emotional and I don't get the emotional validation or affection I want (I don't need a ton -- I'm a guy after all -- but she's hard to read and not your typical girl). Anyway, I am extremely confused, partly hurt (unintentionally on her part I guess) ,and just overall messed up.

I know talking to her about it will probably screw things up worse. I wouldn't appreciate whoever I was in a relationship with not trusting me. It's not necessarily that I don't trust her, but I don't trust him. Who knows what subtle things he could be saying to undermine our relationship or to try and resurrect their previous one? UGH

The most confusing parts are that today she got me a random movie poster for no reason, just because it made her think of me. So obviously a gift like that is a nice gesture, not a sign of something about to fall apart. And I'm seeing her on Saturday before she goes on a family vacation for a month, so there's that. I should mention we're both 24 and will be full time teachers starting this fall (we met in the Education program).

I'd like some outside opinions on this, PLEASE.

Would it be okay if he were gay? Or a girl? Have you met him?

Also, 6 months is a pretty long time (at least if you're seeing each other regularly) - any plans for the future for both of you? Cause right now if she's still hanging out so much with him (or any other friend one-on-one), it doesn't seem like her relationship with you is really that serious. It could be more like FWB, but I'm making presumptions.

The issue here is not that she's spending so much time with her ex, it's that you might not be seeing eye-to-eye as to how serious the relationship is right now.

I mean, buying a movie poster for your SO is like, a 3-month-relationship kind of thing. You'd think a 6-month relationship would be somewhat more intimate/personal. It doesn't even have to do emotional validation or not, just how much time you spend with each other and how high your prioritize your time with each other.

Cause I mean, I've heard of relationships where the partners don't see each other for months at a time, and it stays that casual for years. If both partners are happy, who am I to say they're doing something wrong? But it's clear that you're unhappy, so something needs to change. It isn't that what you're doing is wrong or what she's doing is wrong. You just need to get on the same wavelength about that.

You wacky Asians.

Hey, if there's a market niche, we're filling it!

I remember seeing a number of Hispanics selling freshly-grilled hot dogs at the Rose Parade out of baby strollers they'd rigged as grills. Capitalism FTW!

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

TLH, no one cares, you interrupted a perfectly good old Japanese lady doing raunchy, nasty, indescribable things to food discussion.