Return of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[Sensi]

Date her if you like kids. If kids aren't your thing back away slowly then run.

 

[Prison Mike]

I came in here because it is "JAL inspired" but it's just not the same.

 

[Darthphere]

If you think you got it in you to date a family, then hey, go for it. Cuz that's what you will be doing. Dating a family. You get her, you get the kids. Package deal. Are you prepared to deal with the consequences? That is the real question here.

Ultimately this is the reason I decided not to date her. It was all cool at first but then when she dropped that bombshell about her kids things changed. I would ask her to dinner and she would be like "I don't go anywhere without my kids." RED ALERT! I mean, I'm asking you to dinner, not your hand in marriage. I want to get to know YOU better before I decide to play fake daddy with your kids. I'm not ****ing Jerry Maguire.

 

[JStorm]

I don't subscribe to this, considering I'm 30 and most ladies I meet will have at least one child. But my brother stated this the other day and it made sense:

"When you date a woman with a child, that child will ALWAYS be number one. Said child will come first and will take priority. Not to mention, the child IS NOT yours."

Again, I do not subscribe and am willingly to take a chance with a lady I like, and give most people the benefit of the doubt.

 

[PWN3R]

Man, you must be a sincerely nice person. If she had told me, "Oh, by the way, I have two kids." Game over *****.

It's one thing to comprehend being in a relationship with someone who has children, it's a completely different decision when they have two kids and are under 21.

I'm guessing she's 20? Poor girl. You're crazy man.

EDIT: I'm only 23, so I'm biased towards kids. They're slightly evil.

 

[Darthphere]

I don't subscribe to this, considering I'm 30 and most ladies I meet will have at least one child. But my brother stated this the other day and it made sense:

"When you date a woman with a child, that child will ALWAYS be number one. Said child will come first and will take priority. Not to mention, the child IS NOT yours."

Again, I do not subscribe and am willingly to take a chance with a lady I like, and give most people the benefit of the doubt.

It's the way it should be though. A lot of guys can't accept that though, hence why it's so hard for a woman with a kid to find the right guy.

 

[Darthphere]

Man, you must be a sincerely nice person. If she had told me, "Oh, by the way, I have two kids." Game over *****.

It's one thing to comprehend being in a relationship with someone who has children, it's a completely different decision when they have two kids and are under 21.

I'm guessing she's 20? Poor girl. You're crazy man.

Did you ever doubt that I was a nice guy. I'm super nice and awesome.

 

[PWN3R]

Maybe you already said it, but I'm lazy -- how old are the kids??

 

[Darthphere]

Maybe you already said it, but I'm lazy -- how old are the kids??

They're like 2 and 1.

 

[JStorm]

It's the way it should be though. A lot of guys can't accept that though, hence why it's so hard for a woman with a kid to find the right guy.

I agree. Just wanted to share the point, as most men may need to be reminded of this.

On point, I've dated three girls with kids. All were super cool about it and made time to get to know me, without letting the mother in her take over and give excuses.

One was just a fling to start, and it bothered me that she spend soooo much time acting like she was 24. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast with her. But there came a time when I had to ask myself "this chick has two kids at home, but she will come over to my house, get a little drunk, and act like a Catholic high school freak." I didn't make a huge thing of it, just told her I didn't think things would work out.

The second was very sweet, kind, generous, etc. We got along rather well; I just wasn't that into her. Anyhow, the way she handled the kid situation was a great eye-opener for me. By date two, she invited me over and the kid was there. It kind of took me back, because I thought she would want to take more time with me before she introduced me. We dated for about a year and the kid and I got along. I'm sure she didn't mean to do - or act this way - but by the time we broke up, she had allowed me waaaaay to much "fatherly access." Not to point fingers, I allowed it as well and wasn't prepared, or knowledgable enough to think the process through. My point, when we broke up, she told my mother - months later - that the kid could not wrap his head around why I didn't come over any more. Thinking back, we should have taken things slower - when it came to him. She even is practicing that now. Ran into her, she is seeing a new guy, and she refuses for her son to see said guy until she feels ready: he'll come over after the child's asleep, etc.

 

[PWN3R]

You're a saint.

 

[Norman Osborn]

Try to imagine you're a child living in a 1 parent home. Now try to imagine the one constant in your life, your mother, spending more and more time with a relative stranger, a relative stranger that sees you as nothing more than a burden?...an obstacle..... How's that going to feel?

This young girl has children and I assure you those children are her life and will continue to be her life till the end of hers and beyond.....

....if you aren't willing to accept the reality that a relationship with this girl means a relationship with her kids then do her a favour, let her go, don't let her waste time with a person who labels a girl without children as "greener pastures" ......risking her missing that great guy who wants to spend time with all of her, including her children.....that would make you anything but awesome!

 

[JStorm]

Try to imagine you're a child living in a 1 parent home. Now try to imagine the one constant in your life, your mother, spending more and more time with a relative stranger, a relative stranger that sees you as nothing more than a burden?...an obstacle..... How's that going to feel?

This young girl has children and I assure you those children are her life and will continue to be her life till the end of hers and beyond.....

....if you aren't willing to accept the reality that a relationship with this girl means a relationship with her kids then do her a favour, let her go, don't let her waste time with a person who labels a girl without children as "greener pastures" ......risking her missing that great guy who wants to spend time with all of her, including her children.....that would make you anything but awesome!

x2

 

[Pfeiffer-Pfan]

Yep...

I'm an only child and my mom started dating a guy when i was roughly 1 years old. I grew up with this man and formed a connection... Even though they broke up when I was 11, I still stayed with him at weekends and im so grateful to have him in my life. He's a total father figure.

Bottom line... if you have strong feelings for this girl then I dont see why kids should stop you. There at that age were, like me, they may even get attached to you and enrich your life. You could even benefit theirs.


But you know what kind of person you are... It all depends wheter your mature enough to handle it.

 

[Darthphere]

Try to imagine you're a child living in a 1 parent home. Now try to imagine the one constant in your life, your mother, spending more and more time with a relative stranger, a relative stranger that sees you as nothing more than a burden?...an obstacle..... How's that going to feel?

This young girl has children and I assure you those children are her life and will continue to be her life till the end of hers and beyond.....

....if you aren't willing to accept the reality that a relationship with this girl means a relationship with her kids then do her a favour, let her go, don't let her waste time with a person who labels a girl without children as "greener pastures" ......risking her missing that great guy who wants to spend time with all of her, including her children.....that would make you anything but awesome!

Hence why I decided not to date her. I mean, it's easy to judge from a far but I'm sure if faced with the same situation it's not as black and white as you put it.

 

[Norman Osborn]

Hence why I decided not to date her. I mean, it's easy to judge from a far but I'm sure if faced with the same situation it's not as black and white as you put it.

I wasn't judging you and I assure you it is black and white.....it has to be!!

 

[Darthphere]

I wasn't judging you and I assure you it is black and white.....it has to be!!

Nothing in life is black and white.

 

[Norman Osborn]

Nothing in life is black and white.

The relationship between a child and its mother will always supercede any other relationship she has.....that doesn't mean you can't have a strong relationship with her....it just means you have to work a little harder....and that reality is black and white...

And not to be judgmental as I don't know you from a hole on the wall (I was commenting on the situation not the person in it) I'm a little disappointed you decided not to date her......you seem to legitimately like her....this world is full of losers that will see her as an easily obtained conquest....if you can't handle the idea that she has children then you did the right thing and should be commended......but from a man who has children as old as you are likely, don't assume you're not ready for children in your life....if we all waited till we felt mentally ready to have children the human race woulod have died off long ago.

 

[Darthphere]

The relationship between a child and its mother will always supercede any other relationship she has.....that doesn't mean you can't have a strong relationship with her....it just means you have to work a little harder....and that reality is black and white...

And not to be judgmental as I don't know you from a hole on the wall (I was commenting on the situation not the person in it) I'm a little disappointed you decided not to date her......you seem to legitimately like her....this world is full of losers that will see her as an easily obtained conquest....if you can't handle the idea that she has children then you did the right thing and should be commended......but from a man who has children as old as you are likely, don't assume you're not ready for children in your life....if we all waited till we felt mentally ready to have children the human race woulod have died off long ago.

The thing is about my situation was that I only knew her from work. I don't know if you ever had a situation where you know someone from work and when you see them outside the workplace they're completely different. Be it that guy you think is really cool but was a complete ******* when you went out for drinks with him for example. I wanted to get to know her better. I know her kids will always be first, but it seemed like she didn't want me to get to know her first before getting the kids involved in whatever possible relationship might come up. I don't think that's being unfair, you might disagree. I mean, she said she would bring the kids on what would be our first date. I even offered to find her a sitter but she was steadfast on not going anywhere without her kids. I can respect that, doesn't mean I have to accept that.

I also disagree wholeheartedly with the bolded part of your post. I really wish people would wait for when they're mentally ready for children. The world would be a better place IMO if they did. We're 6 billion strong, there's no need to rush into things.

 

[Norman Osborn]

The thing is about my situation was that I only knew her from work. I don't know if you ever had a situation where you know someone from work and when you see them outside the workplace they're completely different. Be it that guy you think is really cool but was a complete ******* when you went out for drinks with him for example. I wanted to get to know her better. I know her kids will always be first, but it seemed like she didn't want me to get to know her first before getting the kids involved in whatever possible relationship might come up. I don't think that's being unfair, you might disagree. I mean, she said she would bring the kids on what would be our first date. I even offered to find her a sitter but she was steadfast on not going anywhere without her kids. I can respect that, doesn't mean I have to accept that.

I also disagree wholeheartedly with the bolded part of your post. I really wish people would wait for when they're mentally ready for children. The world would be a better place IMO if they did. We're 6 billion strong, there's no need to rush into things.

I think you missed the point of my point.......very few people ever are 100% mentally ready to have children.......even for those who are set in life financially. are a little older, mature..etc etc.....even for those people there is always serious doubt in their minds as to whether they are ready.....

some people are not mentally ready to have children (kids come to mind) and they should not have kids......I'm simply talking about people who are ready to have kids but in their heads still have doubts......that's all of us...in my experience it's the people who are 100% sure they're ready who will struggle the most....if the thought of having children doesn't scare you then you haven't thought about it enough......

As for your assessment, I tend to agree you seem to be going about it the right way and she the wrong (there I go being judgmental again)...when I was a single father of 2 and dated, my children did not meet dates till at least a few months....kids need stability and if I'm not 100% sure a relationship has a chance, I'm not going to burden and/or confuse them with it!

 

[Darthphere]

I think you missed the point of my point.......very few people ever are 100% mentally ready to have children.......even for those who are set in life financially. are a little older, mature..etc etc.....even for those people there is always serious doubt in their minds as to whether they are ready.....

some people are not mentally ready to have children (kids come to mind) and they should not have kids......I'm simply talking about people who are ready to have kids but in their heads still have doubts......that's all of us...in my experience it's the people who are 100% sure they're ready who will struggle the most....if the thought of having children doesn't scare you then you haven't thought about it enough......

As for your assessment, I tend to agree you seem to be going about it the right way and she the wrong (there I go being judgmental again)...when I was a single father of 2 and dated, my children did not meet dates till at least a few months....kids need stability and if I'm not 100% sure a relationship has a chance, I'm not going to burden and/or confuse them with it!

Honestly, no one is going to be 100% ready for children but like I said people tend to know when they're ready or think they're ready lol.

 

[Norman Osborn]

Honestly, no one is going to be 100% ready for children but like I said people tend to know when they're ready or think they're ready lol.

I didn't lol.........and they turned out pretty well....I didn't have enough faith in myself.....a burden many of us carry my friend!

 

[Anubis]

How do you react when the kid inevitably says, "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!!!"? Me? I'd probably have to spend some time in prison.

 

[Norman Osborn]

How do you react when the kid inevitably says, "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!!!"? Me? I'd probably have to spend some time in prison.

I'm sure you're joking but on the oft chance there is some sincerity in knowing, and understanding that it completely depends on the situation....you simply respond with "I know that but I'd sure like to be your friend but only when you're ready"...then as a man you understand the confusion and pain he/she is going through and stop framing it as your inconvenience......

 

[POWdER-man]

How do you react when the kid inevitably says, "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!!!"? Me? I'd probably have to spend some time in prison.