The Last Crusade of Relationships

[SuperMike335!!]

I'm assuming the next line is something to the effect of "you see a lot of d*** in the military". No, I have not been in the military.

Very perceptive. You would quickly get used to being around other penises.

I mean if its not territoriality for your partner, why do other men’s penises make you so uncomfortable?

 

[Dark Raven]

CC, you're smart and go-getter and I'm sure your low self-esteem is completely unfounded. Dark Raven, you sound extremely intelligent and although I'm not familiar with your posts outside of this thread, I'm sure your low self-esteem is completely unfounded too.

What's to be done now is to change your perspective. You haven't found someone because you're ugly. (Believe me, I was single for 6 years and only had one bf before that...I'm 28! I know I'm not ugly - although I'll admit I'm apparently a butterface although I somewhat disagree with that myself. ) You simply haven't found someone who thinks on your wavelength. You ARE worthy of someone's love and support and affection. It's just that your attitude prevents you from finding someone compatible.

You have to love yourself before you can find love outside. It's totally true. And well, two low-confidence people in a relationship is NOT pretty.

Yeah, I'd agree that a big part of it is to do with what's going on internally. I'm actually confident in front of a crowd or standing up at the front and speaking, or even if I had to host an event - eg if I had a badge of authority and had to go round speaking to the guests. It's when it's on a more personal level (ie I'm having to approach people not for some other cause but putting myself out there as the reason for approaching) that the low confidence kicks in.

I feel that if more people were to know me, they would warm up to me. It's like when you see a character on TV week after week. They might not be the most attractive physically when you first see them (and are probably supporting characters in the show), but when you are exposed to them regularly and get to know who they are and see that they are halfway decent, then you end up liking them better.

On another note, with regard to online dating, there are some people I wouldn't mind messaging, because the way their profile is written seems to suggest they might be nice, but in terms of actual information, there's absolutely nothing to latch onto to begin a conversation. They've written about things so general with the bare minimum or they have nothing in common with me that I feel that even if we did start messaging each other, we'd probably run out of things to say. It might be different in real life with them, because in real life the conversation depends on other things as well. However, on paper (or rather, online) just corresponding like that doesn't work as well.

I wonder whether I should even bother approaching these types of people. Are our lack of common interests an indicator that it might not work out in real life anyway so it's best to find someone at least with some common ground?

Does anyone also ever correspond with someone in another city (but not another country) or state? How far would you be willing to venture for a date? Is it worth that kind of investment or is it better to stick to someone with whom you can actually meet up with realistically? It seems a lot of time and effort to travel far to meet someone with whom you may not even end up hitting it off in person, even if you seem to have online.

I'm assuming the next line is something to the effect of "you see a lot of d*** in the military". No, I have not been in the military.

You get d***s everywhere in life, even some on this board, but fortunately a few of them have been banned.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

My sexual history is so tame that I can't brag about it. So yeah. Just a quick question, how many dates do you go on with someone before hitting the sheets?

Depends how turned on you are. This means even on the first date even as soon as you step in the door. Don’t live your life based on some self-righteous pride in obedience to a set of standard rules of abstinence, until a certain amount of dinners and long walks have been had. If you are making out with the hottest guy you have ever been out with on a couch, you are an adult, and your heart is racing and you feel as sexually turned on as you can be, by all means go for it. If you're concern if for your reputation then just let him know you want it to be your secret, and you don’t want your name dropped around town.

I know there are guys out there like that, because I am one of them. I don’t drop a girls name as to protect her from social judgement, and her having sex with me early on does not ever lower my opinion of her, or any woman who has had sex with a man on a first date. I actually think more than half of all women over the age of 24 have done this before too.

It's also ok to have sex with men even if you are not looking for a relationship. Just be honest if you are not looking for one, and don't try to pin him in one if he is not looking for that.

See a hot guy? Does he turn you on? Ok, go get yourself some sex.

I imagine I'll spend valentine's day the same way I'm spending a lot of my nights recently.

Curled up in my bed snuggled up to my ex housemate drinking wine and trying to pretend like what we are doing there is completely normal and nothing to do with the fact we both have confusing feelings for each other that we're too chicken to test out.

If you both have confusing feelings for each other, then your plutonic friendship is already over.

Lots of people say that when friends have sex it kills the friendship. I have not seen a good cause and effect however, so I question this.

The friends having sex, may have been a result of the underlying emotional, but it was actually that underlying emotional feelings for each other in the first place that led to the friendship issues. That is how I see it until proven wrong.

So the very fact that this tension is there, means no going back to a perfectly comfortable friendship ever again anyway.

You both might as well GIVE IN TO THOSE EMOTIONS. Actually give it a shot, since those feelings are there, go with it. Both of you have sex. Good satisfying sex. If a relationship forms, OK. If you break up later, ok.

Unless you want to both continue stringing an uncomfortable plutonic friendship along as an alternative. Sounds not so happy to me.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

V-Day a week away.

My goal of 3 mile jog/crying is a week away.

Or you can just ignore it like I did when I was single, it's especially easy this year since it's on a Tuesday. Also, have you done anything at all to change your situation? If you're so upset about it, time to do something to just things.

 

[bullets]

My sexual history is so tame that I can't brag about it. So yeah. Just a quick question, how many dates do you go on with someone before hitting the sheets?

I'm usually sleeping with someone on the night of the third date. It's ok to wait longer if you don't feel comfortable though.

 

[Anita18]

I haven't had any adventurous sex tbh... Because the only committed relationship I was in was with a guy who slept with me maybe once a month and refused to let me even go on top because, and I quote 'I don't wanna feel squashed down like a beached whale' (I don't even really get that, but definitely can't be taken well). He also wouldn't go down on me (because, and I quote, 'I don't go down on women, I don't like the taste of fish'... Seriously, why was I ever in love with this guy!).

Sounds like someone likes to talk the talk but doesn't walk the walk. Women automatically taste like fish? Where'd he get his sexual knowledge, elementary school playground gossip?

For instance, I've got a lot of curiosity about bondage, but would never ever do that unless I was completely sure of the guy.

Just from personal experience...don't underestimate the quiet shy guys who look like doormats. They can surprise you in bed.

I know, and since everyone comes to superhero forums looking for medical advice, it is irresponsible for me not to consider the hundreds of parents who would look to sue the site for potential inaccurate information given to their children

To be fair, when I'm the closest thing to a doctor on these boards...I wouldn't trust us for medical advice either.

On another note, with regard to online dating, there are some people I wouldn't mind messaging, because the way their profile is written seems to suggest they might be nice, but in terms of actual information, there's absolutely nothing to latch onto to begin a conversation. They've written about things so general with the bare minimum or they have nothing in common with me that I feel that even if we did start messaging each other, we'd probably run out of things to say. It might be different in real life with them, because in real life the conversation depends on other things as well. However, on paper (or rather, online) just corresponding like that doesn't work as well.

I wonder whether I should even bother approaching these types of people. Are our lack of common interests an indicator that it might not work out in real life anyway so it's best to find someone at least with some common ground?

You are seriously overthinking this. My bf and I had nothing "in common" in our profiles. He doesn't have very strong opinions about anything that people would talk about on their first date. Food? Movies? Places to go? All cool with him, but no real opinion. First date frankly was kind of a bore. I think we talked about random stuff that happened to us in the past.

When I messaged him, I talked about liking his profile name. It can be as off-the-cuff as THAT. When we met, it turns out we have a lot of common in a way that isn't normally noted - we are both extreme introverts who are very spontaneous, and enjoy learning about new things.

And chatting with him was definitely a bore. (Still is, actually! He's not much of a writer, and he doesn't find amusement in most things like I do...) He often talks about how nice the weather is. Trick there is to meet them as soon as possible and find out if you like them in real life. Always having stuff to talk about isn't the be-all end-all of a relationship.

You won't know unless you try. It really sounds like you're afraid of taking a chance, for some reason. Relax, it's online. You never have to meet the person if you don't want to. If they don't interest you anymore, simply stop messaging them. If there's no chemistry, it's fine to tell them you just want to be friends after a first date. People are USED to that in online dating. You don't have to navigate exiting a conversation gracefully like you sometimes have to do in real life. It's online, who cares?

Does anyone also ever correspond with someone in another city (but not another country) or state? How far would you be willing to venture for a date? Is it worth that kind of investment or is it better to stick to someone with whom you can actually meet up with realistically? It seems a lot of time and effort to travel far to meet someone with whom you may not even end up hitting it off in person, even if you seem to have online.

Depends on how much you like the person. When I was looking online, an hour driving was the furthest I looked. (I figure, 30 minutes for each person to meet in between wasn't too bad.) Actually isn't that far when you consider LA traffic.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Depends how turned on you are. This means even on the first date even as soon as you step in the door. Don’t live your life based on some self-righteous pride in obedience to a set of standard rules of abstinence, until a certain amount of dinners and long walks have been had. If you are making out with the hottest guy you have ever been out with on a couch, you are an adult, and your heart is racing and you feel as sexually turned on as you can be, by all means go for it. If you're concern if for your reputation then just let him know you want it to be your secret, and you don’t want your name dropped around town.

I know there are guys out there like that, because I am one of them. I don’t drop a girls name as to protect her from social judgement, and her having sex with me early on does not ever lower my opinion of her, or any woman who has had sex with a man on a first date. I actually think more than half of all women over the age of 24 have done this before too.

It's also ok to have sex with men even if you are not looking for a relationship. Just be honest if you are not looking for one, and don't try to pin him in one if he is not looking for that.

See a hot guy? Does he turn you on? Ok, go get yourself some sex.



If you both have confusing feelings for each other, then your plutonic friendship is already over.

Lots of people say that when friends have sex it kills the friendship. I have not seen a good cause and effect however, so I question this.

The friends having sex, may have been a result of the underlying emotional, but it was actually that underlying emotional feelings for each other in the first place that led to the friendship issues. That is how I see it until proven wrong.

So the very fact that this tension is there, means no going back to a perfectly comfortable friendship ever again anyway.

You both might as well GIVE IN TO THOSE EMOTIONS. Actually give it a shot, since those feelings are there, go with it. Both of you have sex. Good satisfying sex. If a relationship forms, OK. If you break up later, ok.

Unless you want to both continue stringing an uncomfortable plutonic friendship along as an alternative. Sounds not so happy to me.

Oh, I've already hit that

When we were living together we were drunk one night, one thing led to another, and it was really great. Great kissing chemistry (only person I can honestly say i'd enjoy kissing on it's own for hours), and it was really honest and intimate because we both knew each other so well, and I knew he'd had troubles functioning recently because of the medication he was on so I was just really patient with him... and he was very happy with himself for succeeding for the first time in a long time. He used to just give up and give oral to make up for it with other girls

But we both sort of just didn't bring it up again. Like we both didn't wanna be the one to suggest that maybe that could mean something... we just sort of ignored it, chickened out. And it was only a week or two later that someone he had had his eye on for a while asked him out, so that moment just sort of slipped away. Then they moved to thailand for 6 months, they broke up and he came back.

I feel very close to him, and we make perfect sense as a couple. We have the same taste in films, he's also into comics, like the same music, hangs out with the same friends, and thinks about things in general life in an interesting way so we have always had great conversations. But he's also very masculine, a man of few words sometimes, likes his whiskey, has a deep voice and likes his lads nights out pulling horrible pranks on each other. He makes me laugh, can hold a debate, and knows how to tease.

And having said all that, yeah... it would probably be worth a go.

But he's just bought tickets back to thailand in a month

 

[BrollySupersj]

Just from personal experience...don't underestimate the quiet shy guys who look like doormats. They can surprise you in bed.

We sure can.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Sounds like someone likes to talk the talk but doesn't walk the walk. Women automatically taste like fish? Where'd he get his sexual knowledge, elementary school playground gossip?

Just from personal experience...don't underestimate the quiet shy guys who look like doormats. They can surprise you in bed.

Well he did turn out to be gay, so it's no surprise he didn't particularly like putting his face in the lady regions

And yeah, people can be totally diff in the bedroom than what you'd expect. Definitely.

 

[Anita18]

Well he did turn out to be gay, so it's no surprise he didn't particularly like putting his face in the lady regions

That does explain everything!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

That does explain everything!

Weirdly tho, never once did he aim for the other hole. He never even did it doggy. It was always just missionary

 

[Anita18]

Weirdly tho, never once did he aim for the other hole. He never even did it doggy. It was always just missionary

That actually doesn't surprise me at all. Some people who eventually discover they are gay are incredibly confused and uncomfortable with sex until they get more of a handle on who they really are.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I knew he'd had troubles functioning recently because of the medication he was on so I was just really patient with him... and he was very happy with himself for succeeding for the first time in a long time. He used to just give up and give oral to make up for it with other girls

What the hell medication was it? That sounds horrid.

I think its unethical for a Doctor to do anything to a man that would hurt his ability to get and maintain an erection. Not unless not doing so would otherwise kill him, and its only for a very temporary period of time. If at all possible it should come along with a script for a PDE-5 lowering drug to balance out that side effect.

I think some doctors do not always look at the big picture or other options in medications. Some anti-depressants are interchangeable, yet some will cause impotence or inability to climax, while others can actually enhance things. If they are interchangeable in pharmacological use, why not use the one that won't hurt him there? That even goes for some blood pressure medications.

I see drugs that cause impotence to be an absolute last resort. Not the first thing the doc pulls off the shelf or that pops into his mind.
Unfortunately that is not always the case in how docs think. Some really are incompetent.

The ways that those issue alone could harm his self esteem could easily lead to other health issues, not to mention the loss of relationships etc...

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Very perceptive. You would quickly get used to being around other penises.

...the things they leave out of those commercials...

I mean if its not territoriality for your partner, why do other men’s penises make you so uncomfortable?

Me being straight probably is the determining factor. I just prefer to avoid unnecessary viewings of other men's d***s.

 

[Anita18]

What the hell medication was it? That sounds horrid.

I think its unethical for a Doctor to do anything to a man that would hurt his ability to get and maintain an erection. Not unless not doing so would otherwise kill him, and its only for a very temporary period of time. If at all possible it should come along with a script for a PDE-5 lowering drug to balance out that side effect.

I think some doctors do not always look at the big picture or other options in medications. Some anti-depressants are interchangeable, yet some will cause impotence or inability to climax, while others can actually enhance things. If they are interchangeable in pharmacological use, why not use the one that won't hurt him there? That even goes for some blood pressure medications.

I see drugs that cause impotence to be an absolute last resort. Not the first thing the doc pulls off the shelf or that pops into his mind.
Unfortunately that is not always the case in how docs think. Some really are incompetent.

The ways that those issue alone could harm his self esteem could easily lead to other health issues, not to mention the loss of relationships etc...

Doctors can only advise - I always recommend for people to weigh the pros and cons of their medical care themselves. So it's not the doctor's fault he was on this medication IMO.

Some doctors really are quacks and hand out meds like candy. So it's then still up to the patient to find a good doctor.

At any rate, impotence can be caused by a lot of things. Unsure as to how his previous girlfriends handled it, but my bf could not perform when we initially tried. I'm not talking 2 or 3 times. I'm talking probably close to 10. I think he was nervous, since sometimes he'd insist on having a bit of wine to relax him. Not sure why, I'd already told him I was a virgin but maybe he really didn't want to mess it up. He has absolutely noooo trouble with it now funny: it's the opposite problem if anything) , but just because someone can't get it up doesn't mean there's something actually physically wrong. Someone could just be nervous.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Doctors can only advise - I always recommend for people to weigh the pros and cons of their medical care themselves. So it's not the doctor's fault he was on this medication IMO.

Some doctors really are quacks and hand out meds like candy. So it's then still up to the patient to find a good doctor.

At any rate, impotence can be caused by a lot of things. Unsure as to how his previous girlfriends handled it, but my bf could not perform when we initially tried. I'm not talking 2 or 3 times. I'm talking probably close to 10. I think he was nervous, since sometimes he'd insist on having a bit of wine to relax him. Not sure why, I'd already told him I was a virgin but maybe he really didn't want to mess it up. He has absolutely noooo trouble with it now funny: it's the opposite problem if anything) , but just because someone can't get it up doesn't mean there's something actually physically wrong. Someone could just be nervous.

Nervousness can definitely do that.

Adrenaline is a vasoconstricting chemical, and that means less blood flow to where he needs it most.

The issue some guys can have, and likely happened to your boyfriend, is he got a little too excited, and then after a failure to get an erection, he then becomes more nervous on consecutive attempts. Now his lack of confidence of his ability is what makes his adrenaline go up.

Sure enough as soon as he is comfortable with you and stops worrying about it everything starts working right again.

 

[Anita18]

Sure enough as soon as he is comfortable with you and stops worrying about it everything starts working right again.

That little guy is the newest emoticon with the most potential for hilarity. The gift that never stops giving!

 

[Dark Raven]

Depends how turned on you are. This means even on the first date even as soon as you step in the door. Don’t live your life based on some self-righteous pride in obedience to a set of standard rules of abstinence, until a certain amount of dinners and long walks have been had. If you are making out with the hottest guy you have ever been out with on a couch, you are an adult, and your heart is racing and you feel as sexually turned on as you can be, by all means go for it. If you're concern if for your reputation then just let him know you want it to be your secret, and you don’t want your name dropped around town.

I know there are guys out there like that, because I am one of them. I don’t drop a girls name as to protect her from social judgement, and her having sex with me early on does not ever lower my opinion of her, or any woman who has had sex with a man on a first date. I actually think more than half of all women over the age of 24 have done this before too.

It's also ok to have sex with men even if you are not looking for a relationship. Just be honest if you are not looking for one, and don't try to pin him in one if he is not looking for that.

See a hot guy? Does he turn you on? Ok, go get yourself some sex.



If you both have confusing feelings for each other, then your plutonic friendship is already over.

Lots of people say that when friends have sex it kills the friendship. I have not seen a good cause and effect however, so I question this.

The friends having sex, may have been a result of the underlying emotional, but it was actually that underlying emotional feelings for each other in the first place that led to the friendship issues. That is how I see it until proven wrong.

So the very fact that this tension is there, means no going back to a perfectly comfortable friendship ever again anyway.

You both might as well GIVE IN TO THOSE EMOTIONS. Actually give it a shot, since those feelings are there, go with it. Both of you have sex. Good satisfying sex. If a relationship forms, OK. If you break up later, ok.

Unless you want to both continue stringing an uncomfortable plutonic friendship along as an alternative. Sounds not so happy to me.

BTW I just want to say that that kind of friendship is derived from this guy (Plato):

and not this guy (Pluto):

Unless it's puppy love.

 

[Anubis]

I didn't know that Platonic friendships came from Plato. I guess he had lots of chick friends cuz he was into young boys.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

For the record, that Mouse's dog knows more about love, emotions, and sexual attraction than Plato ever did. :P

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Well... that second date went okay I guess. It was her choice of venue, and she chose a themed photograph gallery. Again, really good conversations and the such, and she actually had a long day on her own today with her classes (i'd know that) so she came in pretty tired. But came nevertheless and said she was glad she did it.

She tells me about this story by Virginia Woolf that she's reading about how the detached, mundane, boring morning gives way to a youthful and energetic night where people can connect, and that it was one of the reasons why she likes the whole idea of us going out.

There was a photo-booth there for the theme, but she seemed reluctant and I told her it was okay if she didn't want to do that. Do remember that this is still Bangladesh, a more or less conservative culture where any physical connection is regarded as the FINAL DEAL. Well... with most people anyway. And she's shy like that.

It was a lovely night, at least on my part. She seemed tired as hell but was yet nice enough to go through it. And yes, discussions. Open-ended suggestions (photographs helped a lot), but most of it seems already mutual since we've got a similar world-view.

One thing that bothers me still is that despite all the conversations and atmospheric settings, I get this feeling that she's just not into it. Like whenever we're together she doesn't give away any physical attraction towards me. Maybe she's good at hiding it I dunno. But that lack of emotional and physical "clickage" persists.

This girl is trying to convince herself that she's enjoying her time with me. And on my part, whenever I look into her eyes I feel bad that what I'd felt a month ago isn't there when she's with me. I should've asked her out back then.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I feel very close to him, and we make perfect sense as a couple. We have the same taste in films, he's also into comics, like the same music, hangs out with the same friends, and thinks about things in general life in an interesting way so we have always had great conversations. But he's also very masculine, a man of few words sometimes, likes his whiskey, has a deep voice and likes his lads nights out pulling horrible pranks on each other. He makes me laugh, can hold a debate, and knows how to tease.

But he's just bought tickets back to thailand in a month

He sounds like the Man of Steel to be honest I say give it a go. Hell, I ought to take pointers from him and be that "man of few words" and be able to make people laugh. Never really had a good sense of humour to throw around.

As for Thailand... any chance of talking him out of it?

 

[Erzengel]

Just make sure he doesn't make it with any girls that are actually dudes over there.

 

[Erzengel]

Well... that second date went okay I guess. It was her choice of venue, and she chose a themed photograph gallery. Again, really good conversations and the such, and she actually had a long day on her own today with her classes (i'd know that) so she came in pretty tired. But came nevertheless and said she was glad she did it.

She tells me about this story by Virginia Woolf that she's reading about how the detached, mundane, boring morning gives way to a youthful and energetic night where people can connect, and that it was one of the reasons why she likes the whole idea of us going out.

There was a photo-booth there for the theme, but she seemed reluctant and I told her it was okay if she didn't want to do that. Do remember that this is still Bangladesh, a more or less conservative culture where any physical connection is regarded as the FINAL DEAL. Well... with most people anyway. And she's shy like that.

It was a lovely night, at least on my part. She seemed tired as hell but was yet nice enough to go through it. And yes, discussions. Open-ended suggestions (photographs helped a lot), but most of it seems already mutual since we've got a similar world-view.

One thing that bothers me still is that despite all the conversations and atmospheric settings, I get this feeling that she's just not into it. Like whenever we're together she doesn't give away any physical attraction towards me. Maybe she's good at hiding it I dunno. But that lack of emotional and physical "clickage" persists.

This girl is trying to convince herself that she's enjoying her time with me. And on my part, whenever I look into her eyes I feel bad that what I'd felt a month ago isn't there when she's with me. I should've asked her out back then.

Yeah, I'm not getting any positive reactions from what you are describing although, there is a bit of a cultural difference from what I'm use to. I mean if she's keen on continuing to go out with you, I'm pretty sure that's a universal good sign.

I mean you can try making a move on the next date and see how that works.

 

[Daniel Thompson]

I have a question, isn't dating the same as a relationship? How is it different? Always thought it was one in the same.